When was the last time you discussed race and racism face-to-face with a person of another race?

[EffieBlack]

94. That's too bad

Talking about race, sharing experiences, with a trusted friend doesn't have to be divisive at all. Unlike religion or politics, race is a daily factor of most, if not every, black person's life. It's like being a woman - it's just the reality of who we are and affects our lives in big and small ways. It also deeply affects white people's lives, but because you're in the majority, it's harder to see how and when it does.

I think it's unfortunate that you don't feel comfortable talking about it with your friends. Talking about it doesn't mean arguing or presenting opinions about "race issues" but just talking about and sharing everyday experiences.

Black folk in America have always had to live with a duality - two faces, two identities. The face we put on for white folk and the real us. Have you ever heard of "code switching?" That's part of that dynamic.

We're very used to this duality, so we usually do it almost without thinking, but it's very taxing. It's not easy not being able to fully let our guard down around our white friends, to feel like we can't really share with them the wholeness of our lives out of fear they won't understand or simply that they're too uncomfortable to deal with it. So we tiptoe around it in order not to make them feel uneasy - the story of our lives - or to protect ourselves from being judged by them if they take something wrong.

When I get to know a white person and feel that maybe I can trust them, I'll sometimes drop little snippets here and there to reveal a little bit about my "inner life," i.e., the black stuff that's not always right out there for them to see. Sometimes they get it and take the cue. Sometimes they don't and I leave it alone - but there's always a little barrier between us.

I also appreciate it when a white friend just point blank asks me something - "What's it like ---?" Or "Do you feel---?" I don't resent it and never hold it against anyone for asking. I appreciate it and it usually gives a little space for us to start talking.

I've also had white friends and co-workers share a story with me about something they felt or observed and ask my opinion.

For example, a co-worker once told me that one of his friends made a really racist remark at a country club dinner. He said that the guy did this all the time but, although it made him uncomfortable, he hadn't previously thought it was a big deal and just ignored him. But, he said, since we'd become friends, when he heard this guy say something, he kept thinking how hurtful it would have been to me had I heard it. "I'd never thought of that before but all I could think of was how hurtful it would have been for you if you were sitting there and I was embarrassed. But I didn't know what to do. I feel like I should have said something, but didn't know what to say. What do you think?" That was the first time we had ever talked about race and we had a really good talk. After that, we didn't talk about it much, but I felt comfortable occasionally mentioning things that were going on with me or asking him questions and he felt comfortable doing the same with me.

So, "talking about race," doesn't mean having some deep, in-depth, uncomfortable talk. Sometimes it's just asking "What do you think or how do you feel about ...?"