This Rosenstein-Kavanaugh Overdrive Concert Sucks. I Want to Go Home (Ferret/ShowerCap) [View all]

[TheFerret]

Fuck, y’all. I am no longer equal to this moment. Today cries out for a monologue from Howard Beale, but like, a sweaty, WWF-style 'roid rage Howard Beale, screaming “I'm as mad as hell, and I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM!!!!

(As always, this post is available, with useful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-rosenstein-kavanaugh-overdrive-concert-sucks-i-want-to-go-home/)

We were given terrifying insight into the raw, unfiltered, dumbassery of the conservative elite, as some purported intellectual heavyweight called Ed Whelan confidentially declared he'd conclusively debunked the sexual assault allegations against that snooty Kavanaugh fellah, only to unveil a humiliatingly ridiculous conspiracy theory via tweetstorm, executed with all the logical rigor of a toddler trying to frame the family dog for a broken vase.

The whole spiel was that there was another DUDE in Kavanaugh's general vicinity, who also lived in a HOUSE with STAIRS and BEDROOMS and that it was therefore that dude who assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, who is confused because BROADS, AMIRIGHT?

Kavanaugh took his own feeble stab at debunking, offering up what he claims is a comprehensive calendar of his totally normal teen boyhood from 1982, which definitely shows no sexual assault parties, CASE CLOSED. Now, Kavanaugh has boasted of substantial binge-drinking in high school...all that is dutifully recorded in your Alibi Calendar, right, Brett? ...Brett?

Another crotch punt for the guy who richly deserves a lifetime filled with nothing but crotch punts, Mr. Alex Jones. Add PayPal to the list of companies refusing to do business with his revolting, Sandy-Hook-parents-terrorizing ass. He'll be trying to glom onto some kid's lemonade stand before long.

Former Shart aide Jason Miller, who always struck me as the grossest dude in that gaggle of extremely gross dudes, is accused of getting a stripper pregnant, and then SPIKING HER SMOOTHIE WITH AN ABORTION DRUG because FAMILY VALUES, MOTHERFUCKERS! Somebody send me a whole fuckin’ pile of televangelists to hector me about how this cabal of thieves and pedophiles and rapists are the Holiest of Holies, while the rest of us are bound for Hell because we want gay folks to have cake or some shit. Come at me, you big fat phonies, I'm REALLY in the mood for it tonight.

Spiking a woman's drink with an abortion drug. Where do they find these people, the John Wayne Gacy fan club? Someday we're gonna find out that Seb Gorka orders custom toothpicks made from human femurs, and Corey Lewandowski celebrates his birthdays by drowning kittens, and we'll just go, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Like, is there some sort of secret Who Can Be the Biggest, Smelliest, Most Hateful, Festering Asshole in the GOP contest going on? There almost HAS to be. It's the only logical explanation for some of this behavior. Makes sense, in a way...Tangerine Idi Amin ran on hate, and beat everybody from Paul to Pataki. Maybe that's the new calculus. “Hey, we're the Party of Assholes now, and I WILL BE THE HAIRIEST ASSHOLE OF ALL!”

Ted Cruz starts with an unfair advantage here, but he seems to be leaving nothing to chance. Earth's Most Punchable Man couldn't even handle the traditional “Hey, just for shits n’ giggles, say something nice about your oppoent” moment in his debate with Beto O’Rourke without coming off like the smug, sneering, bully who thinks he can get away with stealing your bike because his dad is your dad's boss.

Seriously, how does Ted Cruz manage to walk down the street without just getting punched by everyone who gets a good look at him? HE'S SO PUNCHABLE. He's like Charmin, but with punching instead of squeezing.

Don't sleep on Arizona CongressJerk Paul Gosar, though, as he's apparently such an unbearable taintfungus that six of his siblings cut an ad for his opponent. Bookmark that ad, by the way, for the dark days ahead. Think of it as chicken soup for the Resister's soul.

Of course the biggest assholes are the white nationalists in the Shart Administration, issuing heartless new immigration rules, the latest salvo in the ongoing effort to hurt brown people while keeping America as Caucasian as possible, and really giving Stephen Miller's ever-expanding bald spot room to grow wild and free. Like The Blob. One day that bald spot will devour the entire fucking world, mark my words.

KT McFarland popped up again, I thought they wrote her off the show? Anyhow, I guess she “walked back” a lie she found herself trapped in by her ol’ chum Michael Flynn's felony confession, cuz she didn't want to go to jail for lying to the FBI. They truly are Th’Best People, are they not?

Did everybody have fun today, with that nifty little game of Constitutional Crisis Peak-a-Boo that dropped into our laps today like an asparagus fart at a christening? I guess Axios got a wee bit ahead of themselves and suddenly your phone erupted like a turd volcano, spewing conflicting accounts that Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein was fired, or was resigning, but wait he's going to the White House, and maybe they're tearing him apart with their bare hands and Kellyanne Conway is about to stumble out on the lawn, blood trickling from the corners of her mouth, satiated at last on the forbidden flesh of humankind.

And then it turned out to be nothing. For now. But maybe we get to go through it all over again Thursday, yay!!!! I guess the whole thing's going down because of an article in the Failing New York Times that says Hot Rod talked about recording Fat Q*Bert and invoking the 25th Amendment, but there are conflicting accounts as to whether he was being all serious like a real-life spy, or joking, like stuffing a big-ass mop down his shirt and acting like it was a microphone. Anyway, I sure hope American democracy survives!

The Velveeta Vulgarian's lawyers, by the way, are claiming that Rosenstein’s removal, whether it be via firing, resignation, or cannibal ritual, should lead to some sort of automatic “time out” in the Mueller investigation because they think this is Calvinball, I guess.

Word on the street is the Shart House manipulated this whole thing as a “smoke bomb” to distract from all the bad Kavanaugh news. Great plan, campers. Except unlike your pudding-brained boss, most of us can focus on more than one thing in a given day.

It got swept under the rug by the day's noisier news, but this may be the most perfect Trump story yet: Pissant Pol Pot stamped his feet and proclaimed that he wasn't gonna give Puerto Rico no statehood, because the mayor of San Juan refuses to kiss his ass over his criminally neglectful response to the island's post-Maria crises, which, let's remind everyone, caused the senseless deaths of thousands of Americans.

See? Isn't that just Peak Drumpf? Racist, hateful, petulant, and of course broadcasting that fragile ego and ravenous insecurity for the whole world to see. And he imagines people see him as “strong.” If it was anyone else, you'd feel sorry for him.

This Kavanaugh shit is really bringing out the worst in the Republican Party, which is sort of like saying Steve Bannon's outer shirt really accentuates the viscous fluid oozing from his facial sores; we're talking about degrees of extreme awfulness.

Ben Carson blamed the accusations on a centuries-old socialist conspiracy, possibly tied to whoever stole all the grain from the pyramids. Jeanine Pirro figured maybe Dr. Ford had been hypnotized and no I'm not making that up, I'm not that good.

Chuck Grassley spent the weekend issuing Christine Blasey Ford a new ultimatum every hour or so, hoping to intimidate her out of testifying altogether. Lindsey Graham proudly proclaimed her testimony wouldn't change his vote, no matter what she said. I don't want to jump to any unfair conclusions here, but I'm not sure these gentlemen are acting in good faith.

Oh, and in the middle of this clusterfuck of self-immolation, the asstumor who'd been working as the GOP's spokesman on all things Kavanaugh suddenly resigned after a past history of, and you don't even really need me to say it at this point, sexual harassment surfaced. That bit was a little on-the-nose for my taste, but what do I know?

And of course Mitch McConnell is flailing about, moaning about NORMS being violated, because he doesn't yet understand that he's no longer living in the old world where sleepy Democrats accept his every hypocrisy with a begrudging tip of the cap. We remember Merrick Garland, Mitchell m’man. All your fake outrage does to us anymore is make us reach for our wallets for one more donation, or find one more hour to phone bank. We're coming for your gavel, old man, and you will live to see the true fruits of your labors, because you turned a generation of casual progressives into life-long activists.

(And yeah, this is where I link to the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide. http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
If you're not already in the fight for 2018, GET IN IT!)

And then, as you knew they would, new accusations surfaced. “Ah,” you thought, “Now I understand why they just happened to have that 65 Women Letter just lying around.” Indeed, the allegations Jane Mayer and Ronan Farrow broke were apparently known to Republicans on the Senate Judiciary committee last week, even as they were doing everything they could to ram Brettwurst through the process before the American people found out. Such noble creatures, Republicans.

Avenatti popped up with even more salacious claims aaaaaand...well, we'll see. He says his new client will go public in the next couple of days. If his allegations hold water, they're...really fucking awful. I'm gonna hold off on throwing my eggs in the Self-Aggrandizing Showboat basket for now.

Anyway, the settled-upon GOP strategy seems to be Let's Find the Oldest and Whitest Men in All the Land, and Have Them Proclaim the Accusers are Lying and Also Probably Whores Before We Even Hear Their Testimony. Orrin Hatch decided the newest accusation is totally fake on the grounds that ORRIN HATCH FUCKING SAYS SO, which...I mean, do Republicans understand that women are allowed to vote?

Guys, you aren't just playing with fire. You're taunting fire. You're about to attempt to tea-bag fire, and everybody but you understands that's a situation you walk away from with your balls on fire.

I see Mr. K went on the Fux Nooz Propaganda Mill & White Resentment Emporium to swing at some softballs for a bit. He says he's innocent of all charges ‘cuz he was still a virgin when he left high school, apparently failing to notice that doesn't contradict the accusations at all. Anyhow, I trust his famous calendar will back him up, with weekly or at the very least monthly virginity check-ins.

Anyway, we keep learning more and more about Brett's youthful exploits, binge-drinking and...well, read for yourself. Keep learning more about Mark Judge, who was allegedly in the room during the Ford incident, and you can see why Republicans don't want him to testify. That dude's grosser than a public pool during a lice outbreak.

ABC found an e-mail from Roger Stone about how much he'd like to hang out with that Assange boy down the street in the Ecuadorian Embassy, maybe swap baseball cards or dirt on Hillary Clinton. Heh. I'm diggin’ the slow burn on the Stone subplot. Ol’ Rog probably juuuuuuust starts to relax when the latest revelation drip drip drips out and suddenly he's looking over his shoulder again. Makes me smile.

And I see the Rube Army are circulating obviously-photoshopped images of their Turd Emperor heroically rescuing folks from floodwaters or some shit. Guys. This man is so instinctually selfish he CHARGES THE SECRET SERVICE TO PEE while they're risking their own lives to protect his. He doesn't visit the troops in war zones. He doesn't greet the remains of our fallen warriors when they return home. He is a selfish little coward who cares about no one but himself. This is a truth more obvious than FUCKING GRAVITY.

Alright, folks. That's all for tonight. If any more news breaks tonight, call Howard Beale, I'm plum worn out.