The Bonespur Butthead Bigot's Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews (Ferret/ShowerCap)

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7. Thanks, Ferret!

Hosting the college football champs in the White House during the shutdown, the Velveeta Vulgarian was faced with a dilemma; how do you feed your guests when your kitchen staff is furloughed? Well, if you're cheap, and you're tacky, and you're also a great big fucking idiot, you just order a bunch of fast food. And then, and this is the true genius stroke, you let it sit out till it gets cold, while you invite reporters to photograph this monument to your titanic stinginess, before feeding everybody nasty-ass room temperature burgers. It's the DonaldTrumpest thing that's ever happened.

Of course he made sure to tell everyone he paid for it his own self with his own money. (Which of course is almost certainly not true. And you know the cheap bastard didn't tip the delivery driver.) What I'll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he'd provided, like a little kid who's just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog's shit.

How old were you when you figured out McDonald's was 100% revolting if you let it sit out? Like, five? You tried it once, and never did it again for the rest of your life. It was probably your very first adult decision.