Has anyone else here been having feelings of complete dread lately?

[Nictuku]

52. It is ever-present

A lot has to do with the fact that I was forced into early retirement (after working for the government for 21 years in IT) and don't think I have enough in my TSP (kind of like a 401(k)) to last long enough (if I live into my 80s-90s. ) I'm good for /maybe/ 10 years.

Yes, I should probably go look for a job, but at my age (60) that is very overwhelming. My health is not the best, it is a 2 hour commute on public transportation to the nearest big city. each way. I was able to work at home for the last year due to covid and I don't miss the commute at all.

I could probably get a job working at home, and that might be what I end up doing, but again, who wants to hire a 60 year old woman with health issues? It is demoralizing to think of taking a job at low pay after a very decent career.

I am getting a pension, but it is half of what I need for monthly bills. At least the mortgage is paid.

I don't have any kids, so I'm thinking that when the 401(k) money runs out, I can get a reverse mortgage on the house maybe. I still owe a lot on it, seems the last 10 years my payments are mostly going to interest, not paying down the actual mortgage.

So instead of enjoying not working for the first time in 45 years, my gut is in knots about my future. I am caring for my 80 year old mother, who is in good health (thank god!), she lives with me, so if I get a reverse mortgage, what happens if I die before she does? I want her to have a place to live. I don't know how that works.

I never took risks with my 401(k) in the 21 years I was adding to it, but now I'm kicking myself. It would probably be double what it is if not more had I not been so afraid of the stock market. So since I've retired, I have been trying to see if I could make money off it, so that when I draw from it, it can be replenished and then last longer. I need to take about $2K a month from it until I turn 62 and can get SS (a big fuck you to my former employer right here, for not letting me work until I was 62) -

Anyway, the first couple of months were good, I was up by $4,000, and I was feeling Great! I can do this! I can pay my bills! No vacations or home improvements or other expensive things, but I had a roof, food, energy, directtv, etc. And then the last month the stock market turned to shit and now, after today, I have less than when I started! I'm feeling panicky.

So I'm constantly depressed, stressed, and that is not even mentioning all of shit happening on the political stage. It is so damn depressing.

Thanks for letting me vent. I will be alright. I have it a LOT better than a lot of people. I have my mother here (she is the best, I would do anything for her). I'm good for maybe 10 years so maybe I should just relax and enjoy the retirement life. I live in a beautiful place and feel safe and close to nature. I just need to have faith that it will all work out and I won't end up alone, living on the streets when I'm in my 70s (no wonderful daughter to take care of me). At that point, I think I would rather just not. But that is a long way off and I shouldn't go there now. If I outlive my mom, I can rent out part of the house, or sell it. There are options. It is just a lot to deal with right now.