I had an abortion... [View all]

[cilla4progress]

OK, I'll go first, hard as it is.

I was about 9 years married. Had just graduated with a technical degree and on the cusp of starting a new career. It was tough in my rural town to find decent work that paid decently (I was already a college grad), much less decent affordable childcare. I was also afraid to become a parent since I hadn't had the best examples - or a nuclear family that sustained me; no dig on them. They tried. Suffice to say there were several years in my teen years when my only sister, older than me, was in and out of mental institutions, and it took its toll.... And I wasn't so sure I wanted to bring a child into this... yes; I had foresight.

Our low tech birth control had never failed, until it finally did. Struck with that most excruciating of decisions, I knew that I could not be the mom I wanted to be, that I needed to be. I was terrified of what kind of mom I would be, under duress -- dropping my child off at fulltime daycare, being financially strapped all the time, not being able to afford extras, which for me, I'll admit it - included having a horse. At least I knew myself. Also, health insurance. Neither my husband or I had it. We just had a small 1-acre plot with a ramshackle house and a horse corral. I don't recall it being a hard decision at the time, honestly.

4 years later, at age 37, after 13 years of marriage, my husband and I got intentionally pregnant in 3 weeks with the most wanted, most beloved, most well-prepared for daughter! I was able to stay home for awhile - had set myself up with a home business - and then able to work only part-time, which was how I needed to parent. Even still, the daycare we could afford was shockingly low-quality (though safe). My husband had a union job with union benefits. I never looked back. She is the light of our lives.

With all the pro-life BS since, have I felt guilt? Or regret? I'll admit - I've had to fight it. I was fortunate to discover my pregnancy at 5 weeks, so there's that. I do feel some shame - am I a murderer? am I selfish? - and there are very few people I would share, or have shared this with. Fortunately I don't know anyone here in person!

I've come to terms that it was the best I could do at that time in my situation. I would LOVE to have a sibling for my daughter - we never did. Again, our (my) shortcomings in my self-confidence as a parent. And I wish our society supported families like they do in France. If I had been looking at 2 years of paid leave and decent childcare, I'm pretty sure I would have made a different decision.

So, for what it's worth, which may be nothing to you but is helpful to me, that's my abortion story.