I had an abortion...

[barbtries]

71. Thank you for going first. I've had 2 abortions,

both a lot of years ago in the 70s and 80s. Abortion was widely available, safe and totally legal. I do not regret my abortions but both did come fraught with strong feelings toward these pregnancies, which I blamed myself for because I had unsafe sex at a time when I could, and of course did, get pregnant. I've had 4 children as well and some of these pregnancies were not planned either. At the time I dealt with people exhorting me to have an abortion. The 4 children I had and the 2 I did not were my decision, as it should be. It is MY body.

I'm glad I was young when I was. I am pissed off that young women today are being treated so badly and inhumanly.

I wrote this poem after the second abortion. OTC pregnancy tests were accurate earlier than the test they gave at the clinic so I went ahead with the abortion even though I had a negative pregnancy test. When I went back for follow up, the doctor looked at the pathology report and said, "You weren't very far along, were you?" because of the way it was written.

Product of Conception

Not someone who had blue eyes;
Someone who might have.
This dull green, of walls and gowns,
Is antithesis
Of verdant.
Not someone you loved, who died;
Someone you made, denied.

Blood comes later - a period,
Not someone.
Not green, not pale, not
Heaving in recovery
Not aching like it tore its own way through.

Not, essentially, you;
Essentially a product, a smear -
A smudge on a slide.

Don't pretend to miss it, miss it...
Don't let the doctor miss it
Dismiss it.
It's an it that was
And never will be.


I saved the poem with this quote from Erica Jong:

If a woman wants to be a writer, she should not write odes to her abortions

At 66 years old I'm finally semi-comfortable discussing this. My 3 siblings don't know about either abortion; obviously they know all about my kids. I'll go ahead and die without ever finding out whether my brother would congratulate me or judge me for having terminated 2 pregnancies. But I think on some level I have found it difficult not to judge myself. I said I don't regret either abortion, but it wasn't always true at the time, which informed later decisions I made to see my pregnancy through.