General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: Of bears and men: How big does a risk have to be before you "have to" walk around scared? [View all]Jedi Guy
(3,307 posts)When women answer that they'd prefer the bear, what they're getting at, I think, is that they know the score. The bear is an obvious predator that will most likely telegraph its intentions clearly. It won't pretend to be a deer to get the woman to drop her guard before revealing that, surprise, it's actually a bear. A man might pretend to be harmless before revealing that he's anything but, at which point he might be in a position to strike.
If the bear does decide to attack, it's doing so for food or a perceived need to defend itself. If a man attacks, there's an additional, terrifying dimension added: the desire or need to dominate, to control, to violate, to remove agency and personhood. That most certainly changes the emotional impact regardless of the outcome.
If I'm walking alone through a rough part of town at night, I might justifiably be concerned about being mugged, perhaps beaten up, perhaps even killed. A woman in the same situation is worried about all of those possibilities plus the fear of being violated in a way I'm not. We are inhabiting the same space differently.
When I discussed this thought experiment with my wife (she chose the bear, by the way), she said that the only time she relaxes and lowers her guard when in public is when she's with me. She jokingly called it "scary dog privilege" because I'm a big dude with a shaved head and resting axe murderer face. I'm not a violent person but I look intimidating to a lot of people. She's not the first person to have told me so.
The "not all men!" furor over this thought experiment is pretty silly, as well. We're not labeled, guys. We don't have "good guy" or "bad guy" tattooed on our foreheads. There's no easy way for women to tell who's safe and who isn't. I'd never harm a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) except in self defense, but if a woman sees me walking towards her on a dark street I'm not going to get tilted if she puts distance between us. She has no way of knowing who I am or what I intend. I'm just a big, intimidating guy in her world. She has no way of knowing I'm a big teddy bear.
We as men can be aware of this headspace women inhabit. We can avoid doing things that may make women feel unsafe, such as walking closely behind them. But it's not our place to be mad about it or tell women they shouldn't feel a certain type of way. We inhabit these spaces in a way they do not.