I'm a stay at home husband, or as I call it, a "kept man"... [View all]

[Recursion]

A few threads about female breadwinners have gotten me thinking about this, and I wanted to put in my two cents on their own terms.

Thought 1: most men in my situation do not do housework, and expect their wives to. This is probably the biggest problem. And I'll say on the men's part, it may not even be "sexism" in the usual sense; more the fact that men, in general, are more willing to put up with filth than women are. Ask yourself what an average bachelor's apartment looks like, for instance. Here, I'm lucky: I was in the Marine Corps for a decade. I don't mop; I scrub. On my knees, with a sponge. Because I will not live in a house of filth. Also, I don't just know how to cook, I love doing it (that was my first job in the Marine Corps, in fact, and I chose it deliberately). She occasionally has some secret Bengali recipe she wants to cook, but I love just making stock every few days and cooking some meat and veggies with it.

Thought 2: we do not have children, but inshallah, we will. We have had the talks about this (see thought 3) and I am not just willing but very eager to be the primary caregiver and educator. We live in an admittedly unusual situation in which she is a diplomat posted to countries where I as a trailing spouse can often not get a work permit. But I love children and I love teaching and I really do know I'll be great at that.

Thought 3: we have, since about our 4th date when we realized we were serious about one another, talked about this issue without mincing any words. I have some stuff I can do (programming, sysadmining, copy-editing, writing) that can be done wherever we are, and that's essentially just my slush fund (which ends up being gifts for her anyways). She pays for dinner, when we're out, and she pays the cell phone bill (you as taxpayers pay the rent; thank you). I can't stress how crucial this is: actually talk to your partner about issues, and that includes money and spending.

To recap: I am a male from the southern US and a veteran of the Marine Corps; I fully understand societal expectations of manhood. But I have to say, with mutual communication there is absolutely no reason a man cannot be the partner who is not the breadwinner. I'm working on my novel, I'm learning pastels, and I clean the house to a high ****ing sheen that, frankly, my spouse can't quite get (she was never a Marine, God love her).