We Can Work It Out [View all]

[H2O Man]

"Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend
"I have always thought
That it's a crime
So I will ask you once again
"Try to see it my way
Only time will tell
If I am right or I am wrong"
The Beatles; We Can Work It Out

One area where much of the most intense acrimony between men and women is found is in the family court system. Hence, I have been a bit surprised that this specific topic hasn't been brought up much, if at all, in the DU:GD threads on sexism et al. Indeed, the hostility between men and women ripens within the legal system.

I reside in New York State. For many years, there was nothing approaching a level playing field in cases involving custody and support here. The laws began to change under the leadership of Nelson Rockefeller in the early 1970s. The governorr actually began advocating for such changes, when his top body guard was separating from his wife. I'm familiar with that, because the body guard was my uncle.

In the late 1980s, my first wife sought a divorce. We had two wee-little boys, ages six and three. At first, we had equal, shared custody. She got the house, and the two more expensive of our three vehicles. More, I had to pay her support -- even though I had the boys as much as her, and she had a larger income.

Over a several year period, she brought me to court twelve times. I never filed any case against her. In time, both boys came to live with me full-time. Their mother, on her own and without my asking, had my support ended, and began to pay me what she believed was a fair amount. I think that this went a long way in reducing the hostility between us.

As I write this, I remember something that struck me as odd: the boys' mother called me from her family's farm on the morning her mother died. I had a good relationship with my former mother-in-law; she would at times drop in my home to visit her grandsons and I. Even though my "ex" had re-married, I was the first person she called that morning.( I wouldn't go so far as to call us close friends these days, but we had Thanksgiving together at our sons' house in 2013.)

In my first few years as a single parent, a couple of friends and I organized an informal "support group" for men experiencing separation and divorce. Our focus was two-fold: fathers' rights, and fathers' responsibilities. I kept and handful of journals then, and have been flipping through some of them recently. We had about thirty guys who participated. Most were in their late 20s to early 50s. All of them were working class.

There was a wide spectrum for such a small group, in the context of the opinions on rights and responsibilities. There were guys who really believed that their lives were over, that they simply could not live without their ex-girlfriend or wife. And there were guys who were seething with hatred, intent upon causing as much pain and suffering as they possibly could. There were men who would do anything and everything to enrich their children's lives. And there were males who seemed emotionally unattached to their own children
.
One fellow, who I had worked with many years before, simply walked out of his children's lives. Even though he lived rather close to them, he simply stopped seeing them at all. Not surprisingly, he frequently "fell behind" on paying support. As it turned out, his father had walked out on his family when he was a youngster. But I have seen other males do that same thing, even though they were raised in intact, seemingly normal, middle-class families.

Likewise, I know a lot of women who have been divorced, who make up an equally wide spectrum as parents. Some are really good, and some are inadequate in character.

It seems to me, both as a human being and as a father of two sons and two daughters, that our society's views and behaviors -- in terms of the opposite sex -- are largely rooted in our experiences in families. Our family of origin, of course, plays a primary role here. Did that family assign rigid roles based upon sex? Was violence used to "settle" disagreements? Were men and women respected?

Considering that a significant percentage of marriages will end in divorce, family court will remain an arena for warfare between the sexes. I suspect that this general arena could provide us with an area where we could -- as the DU Community -- engage in meaningful discussions on topics including parents' rights and responsibilities. I expect that, if such a discussion caught on, there would be a few people that might express bitterness more than insight. But that is okay .....in fact, it can be a good thing, so long as people approach this with open minds.

What do you think? Is it a valid topic for rationale discussion? Thank you for your consideration.

Peace,
H2O Man