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In reply to the discussion: Okay, no spanking. I get that but what's this dad suppose to do? [View all]gollygee
(22,336 posts)First, I have never punished a child for having a tantrum. I don't think a tantrum is in and of itself bad behavior, it's more a symptom of not getting what they want, and I would have just told the complaining neighbor that she was having a tantrum and she'd wear herself out soon. There's no reasoning during a tantrum. I don't understand why outside people get involved during tantrums. They're part of childhood for a lot of kids, and kids learn through them what they control, what they don't control, that some things are futile, and that things end up OK in the long run even if you don't get what you wanted and it makes you incredibly upset. The best way to react to a tantrum IMO is to not get involved, because they usually can't help it, and if they can help it then it's their way of trying to force your hand. I don't let my hand be forced - I just let them wear themselves out.
However, I do sometimes have to be the mean mom. When my kids simply won't do something - or won't stop doing something - and I feel like I have to be the enforcer, I take stuff away. I put stuff up on the fridge or otherwise out of reach, one thing at a time, calmly and without yelling or saying anything mean. "If you can't settle down, I'm going to put your DS on the fridge." And then do it. The tantrum gets worse immediately, but after a few things she figures out that it's futile and she's just getting more and more stuff taken away. I've gotten to the point where I've needed to put things on the fridge, a cupboard, and another high piece of furniture I've had so many things, but the great thing is that with spanking you can only escalate by spanking more or harder - with more violence. Taking away more stuff does no physical harm, and eventually they figure out that the more they go on, the more stuff gets taken away.
Then I always bring everything down in the morning because we don't hold grudges in my house. Every day is a new day and I don't bring it up again unless there's another reason to start taking stuff away. This is not something that has had to be done often though, and I don't think ever at the age of 8. At some point they figure out that when stuff starts going up, it's over.
I hate forced compliance and even this feels way too harsh for me. Kids are kids and aren't always going to be perfect. Even adults have bad days and they have more maturity. I'm much more interested in building the relationship and working through the relationship to fix problems, for instance it would be great if everyone always ate around the table together - that's a great way to improve the family relationship. But I do recognize that occasionally I have to "go nuclear." I'd never resort to any level of violence, including spanking, even in that case though.