General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: People who compare same-sex marriage and polygamy need to fuck off [View all]asturias31
(85 posts)I cant believe that anyone would dare make that comparison.
Marriage equality is about EQUALITY. Polygamy is a vile INEQUALITY.
I socialize with plenty of Muslim women. However, very few would ever tell me their personal troubles. Of that pretty small number, I know two women who suffered their husband's' polygamy. Both times the man made a unilateral decision and the wife found out later. (This is acceptable; it is not considered abuse or dishonesty. It is a man simply exercising his right.) In one case, my friend found out (after several years and several children) that she WAS the second wife.
The map above is bullshit. Polygamy happens in the US. It just isn't done in American courts.
It is the ultimate expression of male privilege and the powerlessness of women..
Under mainstream Islamic law, the first wife's permission is not needed; a man can do as he wants.
After he tells her (if he tells her), the wounded wife is reminded that Allah decided what rights men and women should have. If she objects or cries too much or considers divorce, she is being a bad Muslim - she is trying to take away her husband's God-given right!
She is also commonly scolded with lectures about "the wives of our beloved Prophet". Mohammed's wives were sometimes jealous (jealousy, according to many guides for Muslims, is a feminine weakness) but they always accepted each other because they were good and patient and obedient. (They are called "the best of women" in Muslim teaching and are held us as role models for today's Muslimahs.)
A third line of attack on the wounded wife is the fact that Islam does not give women permission to divorce, except under special circumstances. (Of course American law gives equal divorce rights. But exercising this right might make a Muslim woman an outcast with no friends or home or support system, or it might make her fear eternal hellfire. Child custody is another problem: in Islam, the father is generally considered the "owner" of the children.)
A fourth issue is that in Islam many women quit work when they marry and devote themselves to pleasing their husbands and in-laws, and raising children. Furthermore, a Muslim woman cannot work unless her husband permits it. Makes it pretty difficult to leave, when home and family and community are all you have - and if you rebel, you lose all three.
I could go on, but you probably get the idea. Polygamy is one of the trump cards in a deck that is utterly stacked in men's favor. Women faced with it do submit and swallow their pain and comfort themselves with religion ("God will reward my patience" while their husbands enjoy the here-and-now.
If you want evidence of my claims, please read guidebooks meant for Muslims; please spend time in Muslim chatrooms; please check out those "Ask the Imam" websites, etc. You can try asking Muslim friends too, but it's not something they'll be candid about with outsiders; more likely they'll be evasive or defensive.
Do I have a concern that CAIR or similar organizations will push for Muslim polygyny to be made legal in US courts? It's possible but not likely. I think they don't need or want to expose the practice to daylight, or to the appalled scrutiny of mainstream America. (Though if questioned, the usual apologists will produce the usual script of how polygamy actually helps women, is better than the western system of divorces and mistresses, etc etc. Yeah, it's all a bullshit cover for male privilege.) Bottom line: why would anyone push to legalize it? The system is working just fine as it is: in the shadows where the abuses go undocumented.
My take-home point: please don't let anyone con you into accepting polygamy as just another flavor of normal.
(And the fact that there are some cases where it works, and some (rare) cases where it is used kindly (say, to take care of an elderly woman with no family) and that there exist some women who defend it - of course they do; they want to be good Muslims! - doesn't change my take-home point.)
Gay marriage? Totally different thing.