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In reply to the discussion: "Guilty": Part Two [View all]H2O Man
(73,701 posts)It gave me chills when I saw that you posted that exact song. You knew, on some level. At first, I thought "here I am again."
Then I remembered talking with my sons this weekend. We were talking about the then upcoming trial, and the impact it has on everyone. I mentioned the German-born psychologist Erik Erikson, most famous for his theories on psycho-social development. He spoke about "identity crises," etc. And part of his work noted that people tend to encounter the same issues -- in different ways -- at each level of their development.
When my girlfriend was murdered, I don't mind admitting, I absolutely wanted to kill the guy who was responsible. And I would have done so, with my bare hands, if I had the opportunity. For in my youth, although I did not start fights, I had the capacity for extreme violence. And for months that became years, I wanted revenge. I took out my rage on my opponents in the boxing ring, although they had no real connection with the event that sparked my anger. It was an unpleasant, confusing phase of my life.
Tonight, as I listened to that song -- and tried to sing along, until my throat was too choked up -- I'm both in the same position, and an entirely different place. I try, really hard, to not hate, to not allow those emotions to contaminate my thinking or behavior. And that can be really hard, especially while I was in the same room with the shit who shot my relatives. But I accept that I am imperfect. I am sad and weakly human, the same as everyone else. Yet, I still try to improve.
Again, thank you very much. That song has a powerful meaning in my life.