I am interested in reading experiences of primary caregivers of a dying parent.

[Louis1895]

36. Therapist - good idea - and my experience

I lost my mother 14 months after losing my wife to ovarian cancer.

I had gone out to the west coast from the east coast to see my mother when she took ill. She had some sort of intestinal ailment and her doctor thought she would improve but my mother did not want to be in a skilled nursing facility. She decided to come home to the apartment she had in my oldest sister's house. My mom decided that was it and declined all food and, soon, liquids. Soon she was on hospice and we made her as comfortable as we could. All five of her children were present (only two lived near her) but my oldest sister and I had the responsibility for the care. I was the only one of the five who had cared for someone in their terminal years. The other three siblings had different views of how to handle the situation and, frankly, were causing more problems because of this. My mom held out for about 3-4 weeks and many of the grandchildren and great grandchildren came by to say their good-byes. After our mother passed, the siblings went out for dinner and there was a tense blow-up between two of them and some strained relations for a while. Also, there were some emotional flare-ups after our father's memorial service years prior. I have been through several death situations over the past fifteen years and each one has been different. I have tried to stay on an even keel because I still have responsibilities that include other people. That is not always easy. I am still a bit miffed that my mother-in-law's only grandson (an adult) never came to visit her after she moved to be near my family. I had responsibility for her after my wife died and it would have been nice if the grandson had ever called her or made a visit. She was very hurt that he never made an effort.

I think you would benefit from speaking to a therapist to work through your anger at your siblings.

By the way, one of the guilty feelings I had concerning my wife was the nagging thought that there might have been more that I could have done for her to save her life. I was driving home one afternoon and heard a physician talking about the death of his own father. I came to realize that i did everything as best as it could have been done. It was a cathartic moment for me and I almost had to pull off the road because the tears welling up in my eyes made it hard to see. If you have any similar thoughts about how you cared for your mother, then a therapist might be able to help you through that, too.

Anyway, I hope you can find peace as you go through life. I may get frustrated with my siblings (especially the ones who voted for Trump!), but my life would not be complete without them.

Peace!