General Discussion

MineralMan

(146,338 posts)

18. I never initiate hugs with anyone but my wife and mother.

Wed Nov 22, 2017, 03:17 PM

Nov 2017

Period. I let the other person initiate. Does that mean I don't get and give lots of hugs? Nope.

Recently, at my brother's memorial service, two of my great nieces, his grandchildren, were there. I haven't seen either of them for several years. They're 15 year old twins. I shook their hands warmly, even though they were big huggers when they were younger.

Later that evening, when they were visiting my parents' house and were about to leave, though, both girls came up and hugged me in a three-way hug. That was nice, but I wasn't about to initiate hugs with two teenaged girls I hadn't seen for a long time.

If you're a guy, let others initiate the hugs. Don't make a big deal of it, but let them make the decision. If you're a nice guy, you'll still get plenty of hugs.

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Highlight:

She Doesnt Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays [View all] DesertRat Nov 2017 OP

I have a daughter that hates being touched and I have always honored her discomfort much to the Happyhippychick Nov 2017 #1

I'm a septuagenarian and men still think they have a right to invade my procon Nov 2017 #2

That's a good reminder NastyRiffraff Nov 2017 #5

And about different levels of comfort with being touched. Hortensis Nov 2017 #30

And different levels at different times and in different situations. MineralMan Nov 2017 #34

I'd hate to think that a comforting touch would become inappropriate in our society. Chemisse Nov 2017 #61

Agree so much with you both. Including that women need to be Hortensis Nov 2017 #62

For over 6 years in teh 1970s skip fox Nov 2017 #69

Well said! DesertRat Nov 2017 #38

This message was self-deleted by its author Pacifist Patriot Nov 2017 #44

I can't nuance the intentions of men who won't keep their hands off women. procon Nov 2017 #50

I think that is an effort to be comforting and/or give love. Chemisse Nov 2017 #63

Speaking as an elder, that demeaning ageism is very patronizing and insulting. procon Nov 2017 #70

If you are fully autonomous and cogent, why are you identifying as a "very elderly person"? Chemisse Nov 2017 #72

I loathe the 'hug' culture that we seem to have evolved to. CrispyQ Nov 2017 #68

Love this message. K&R WhiskeyGrinder Nov 2017 #3

I agree with this pandr32 Nov 2017 #4

It's hard to take this as an adult message Drahthaardogs Nov 2017 #6

Not to mention lice, bedbugs, bacteria, fungi, viruses & other reasons why you shouldn't touch peopl FarCenter Nov 2017 #7

I totally agree with this. kimmylavin Nov 2017 #8

I love that! DesertRat Nov 2017 #21

I remember being coerced into unwanted hugs as a child. ariadne0614 Nov 2017 #9

Welcome to DU, ariadne0614! calimary Nov 2017 #10

Thank you! ariadne0614 Nov 2017 #66

Beautiful! DesertRat Nov 2017 #22

I love it DesertRat Nov 2017 #39

You are most welcome. ariadne0614 Nov 2017 #67

I grew up with it but have encountered people who didn't IronLionZion Nov 2017 #11

I'll take "cold efficiency" over touchy-feely anyday Skittles Nov 2017 #55

I don't entirely agree with this. Hugging can be beneficial to young children. LisaM Nov 2017 #12

Thank you for making these points oberliner Nov 2017 #23

Well stated. If we're not careful we'll find... LAS14 Nov 2017 #26

Nah, that's getting carried away DesertRat Nov 2017 #40

When I taught preK DesertRat Nov 2017 #27

Choice is the key in my opinion. Pacifist Patriot Nov 2017 #46

Agreed. nt DesertRat Nov 2017 #49

You are absolutely correct... llmart Nov 2017 #56

Right -- to the extent that parents can and should be physically affectionate with their children. pnwmom Nov 2017 #60

I suppose there's an argument for this. But really... Honeycombe8 Nov 2017 #13

Hugs mean as much to male relatives as they do to female relatives oberliner Nov 2017 #14

Yes, it does. Honeycombe8 Nov 2017 #16

My experience is completely different from yours oberliner Nov 2017 #19

K&R Solly Mack Nov 2017 #15

This applies to little boys, too. TNNurse Nov 2017 #17

That's the truth! MontanaMama Nov 2017 #52

I never initiate hugs with anyone but my wife and mother. MineralMan Nov 2017 #18

Not sure why the rules are different for males and females oberliner Nov 2017 #20

Here's the deal. Men should not initiate hugs with women unless there is MineralMan Nov 2017 #25

But women can initiate hugs without the same restriction? oberliner Nov 2017 #28

Yes. Each family is unique, but more importantly, each person MineralMan Nov 2017 #32

I'll give you another example. The daughter of one of my wife's cousins MineralMan Nov 2017 #29

Gauging someone's body language and adjusting behavior accordingly makes sense to me oberliner Nov 2017 #31

Like all rules, I make my own, and then follow them. MineralMan Nov 2017 #33

Understood oberliner Nov 2017 #35

My first generation nieces and nephews grew up calling me MineralMan Nov 2017 #36

i've been reading your posts in this thread orleans Nov 2017 #57

Thank you for the kind words! MineralMan Nov 2017 #65

I love the Girl Scouts. They GET it. TygrBright Nov 2017 #24

Well said DesertRat Nov 2017 #37

I always felt bad when parents tell kids wasupaloopa Nov 2017 #41

When parents do that with me.... Pacifist Patriot Nov 2017 #43

Very good I like that wasupaloopa Nov 2017 #48

My parents made light of this to me this morning. Pacifist Patriot Nov 2017 #42

At family gatherings, we are hugging everybody... MrScorpio Nov 2017 #45

Good wildflowergardener Nov 2017 #47

Great message for all, saidsimplesimon Nov 2017 #51

I am NOT a touchy-feely person, and I was not as a child either. cwydro Nov 2017 #53

Great post. I remember as a teen being uncomfortable hugging one of my dad's business Amaryllis Nov 2017 #54

What nonsense. MrModerate Nov 2017 #58

Right. No parent should insist a child hug someone else. I had a little niece who used to be shy. pnwmom Nov 2017 #59

I think most responsible and thoughtful parents respect their children in this way nowadays. Chemisse Nov 2017 #64

I've always been grateful and thankful that my nieces and nephews ran to give me a hug Nitram Nov 2017 #71