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(107,769 posts)
Mon Nov 7, 2022, 04:28 PM Nov 2022

The Christian Nationalist Forces That Terrorized Me as a Child Have Grown Only More Powerful [View all]

Silas House

I was raised in a church of terrorists. The preacher pounded on the lectern while he boomed that all queers deserved to die, that mixed marriages were going to lead to the downfall of “our way of life.” This was the 1980s, when women’s rights were being discussed much more broadly but according to him, God dictated that women were inferior beings to men. He railed against the separation of church and state, assuring us that the Founding Fathers had intended this to be a Christian nation. We were right and holy; the rest of the world was evil and against us. Worst of all, the congregation applauded and hollered “Amen!” in response.

Today, members of Congress and rising Republican stars are the ones who terrorize LGBTQ children and anyone who does not follow their doctrines. These are not just fringe politicians and candidates; Christian Nationalism, the belief that the American government should be defined solely by Christianity, is now firmly entrenched within much of the GOP. This label does not apply to everyone who goes to a Christian or even a fundamentalist church. However, a survey conducted last year by the Pew Research Center, found that 45% of Americans believe strongly that the United States should be a Christian nation. Recent decisions from a Supreme Court stacked by conservative nominees have stripped women of autonomy even while they’ve reinstated the right to pray at public school functions. The way of thinking that terrified me as a child is now being embraced by the Republican Party.

I was certainly terrorized by the church’s teachings and actions. We were taught that dancing or listening to certain music would lead us to sex or Satan, if not both. Our congregation celebrated Halloween by restricting costumes to Biblical figures and hosting “Hell Houses,” in which scenes of horror involved people writhing and screaming as they burned in a lake of fire due to premarital sex, infidelity or being gay. We were constantly reminded that the reason to follow the church’s rules was the threat of eternal damnation. It wasn’t enough for us to abide by them; we were also charged to evangelize and openly condemn anyone who didn’t live by our standards. If we didn’t work hard enough to be holy the devil would surely overwhelm us.

One night when I was eleven, a woman convulsed on the church floor, crying out gutturally. She raked her fingernails down her own face. The preacher anointed her head with oil, causing her to twist and squeal. He proclaimed that her demon had been cast out. I immediately worried the evil spirit had slithered into me. I knew by then that I was gay and for that alone I’d surely be left behind when everyone I knew was whisked away in the Rapture, God’s chosen people disappearing “in the twinkling of an eye.” Although I felt tremendous love in that church I also realized how quickly that love would be extinguished if they knew who I really was. They believed that shunning was an effective tool in turning people to their way of thinking and they would have had no trouble excommunicating me as quickly as striking a match. I had heard them talk about the ways they’d rather their own children be dead than gay. Their solution to the AIDS crisis was to round up all the gay men up and leave them to die on an island. To many of them, killing someone with such a reprobate mind was justifiable by God’s laws.


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