2004-2012 (venus, heartbreak, reconciliation of self) [View all]

[FirstLight]

8 years between Venus transits... then another 100+ till the next pair. That's pretty powerful...

I was reading about the transit and the eclipse today and it dawned on me that 2004 was a really big year for me personally, the year I left my abusive marriage and started over with two babies, a teen, and whatever we could carry...

Life is definitely better now, but this week I am feeling the struggle and angst more than in a long time, and now I guess I get to understand why. These feelings are coming up to be healed once more, and put to rest for good... My heart has been breaking today, not for the loss of my idealism in Love, or the abuse and the marriage (which only lasted 3 years, but yielded a lifetime of change)..but the loneliness that remains with me...
As a single mom, I "do" it all, I am the cook, cleaner, breadwinner, nurse, comforter, enforcer, etc. Most of the time I am very glad I am the queen of my own castle, and that my 'routine' is my own.
But right now I am feeling so very overwhelmed, so very lonely and bored and feel like I have been alone for most of my adult life. No relationships have lasted more than a few years, usually less...and nobody has come close to wanting me and my kids in the 8 years since I got 'free' ...and now the babies are 9 & 10 and miss having a father figure more than ever. and it makes me feel bad for them, too.

Again, usually I don't mind it. Usually, I revel in my independence...but for some reason these past couple days I have been acutely aware of the fact that I don't have that love and attention. I GIVE love all the time, I cuddle my kids and my pets, and offer friends my heart in many ways...but I have not been HELD in so very long. and have not had someone tell me how great I am or care for me. Self nurturing can only go so far..
My Elder says the feeling of loneliness comes when I am disconnected from Source and not calling on my guides and tapping into that LOVE...
perhaps she is right, but it doesn't change the fact I want to sometimes BE cared FOR - (on the physical plane) -instead of Doing the Caring

Anyway, I just needed to share because try as I may I cannot shake these tears... hopefully they will wash my mind and heart clean so that I can step forward once again tomorrow...and just keep on keeping on.

as a side note/request - wonder if anyone knows where I can look up or if anyone can read for me the difference in my chart from 2004 to now, I wonder whether any of this is obvious in my planets, and I can find some hope lingering in the corners there...