March 2, 2016

‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.”

“I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on.

“The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.”

Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.

http://www.theonion.com/article/im-trump-all-way-says-man-who-will-die-mishandling-52449

March 2, 2016

Trump Tremendously Relieved That K.K.K. Ties Did Not Hurt Him in Alabama

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican front-runner, Donald Trump, said on Tuesday night that he was “tremendously relieved” that the recent controversy linking him to the Ku Klux Klan had apparently not hurt him with voters in Alabama.

“I’m not a worrier by nature, but I must admit I was worried about this,” Trump told reporters. “The minute that that K.K.K. business started up, my main fear was, ‘I sure hope this doesn’t upset voters in Alabama.’ ”

After the Alabama returns came in showing him romping to an easy victory in the Yellowhammer State, Trump said, “I sighed a huge sigh of relief.”

Trump pointed to exit polls showing that ninety-seven per cent of Alabamans who voted for him were aware that he had been praised by the former K.K.K. leader David Duke “and voted for me anyway.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-tremendously-relieved-that-k-k-k-ties-did-not-hurt-him-in-alabama

March 2, 2016

Inflation-hit Venezuela to print bigger bills

Venezuela's government will begin printing larger-denominated bank notes sometime this year, a top finance official said, as runaway inflation has eroded the value of the nation's biggest bill to less than a U.S. dime on the black market.

Central Bank President Nelson Merentes' comments in an interview Monday with The Associated Press were the first confirmation that Venezuela is preparing to print larger bills, something that had been rumored for months.

Market economists have said bigger bills will only accelerate inflation that last year hit 181 percent — the highest in the world.

Merentes, who has helped steer the economy for more than a decade as finance minister and then as head of the central bank, disagreed. He said that far from generating panic among inflation-wary Venezuelans the new bills will reduce price pressures "because you're going to have less bills circulating."

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/ap-interview-inflation-hit-venezuela-050146566.html

The solution to rampant, runaway inflation? Why, print larger denomination bills, of course! Look out Zimbabwe!

March 1, 2016

Trump Derailed by Obama’s Endorsement

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding a new wrinkle in an already unpredictable election year, Donald Trump saw his poll numbers plummet on Monday after receiving a surprise endorsement from President Barack Obama.

The long-awaited downfall of the abrasive billionaire came in startling fashion, as few had expected the President to offer a full-throated endorsement of Trump, especially on the eve of the all-important Super Tuesday primaries.

Praising the Republican front-runner during a nationally televised address, the President said that, despite media reports to the contrary, Trump shared his views on such important issues as immigration and religious tolerance. “In every way that matters, Donald and I are on exactly the same page,” Obama said, pointing to a framed picture of the billionaire on his Oval Office desk.

Concluding his endorsement with an emphatic closing argument, Obama said, “If you love me, vote for Trump.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-derailed-by-obamas-endorsement

February 29, 2016

Bolivian prosecutor orders president's ex-girlfriend jailed

Source: AFP

A Bolivian prosecutor on Sunday ordered President Evo Morales's ex-girlfriend to be held in a public jail, saying she was a flight risk as she faces a string of corruption charges.

Gabriela Zapata, 28, is a senior manager at the local office of Chinese engineering group CAMC, which has won several contracts for large construction projects in Bolivia.

Zapata faces charges of money laundering, embezzlement and abuse of influence, said prosecutor Edwin Blanco.

Blanco said that jail was justified because there was evidence that Zapata was preparing to travel, and that unnamed government workers might "modify, hide and suppress documentation" relating to the case.

Read more: http://news.yahoo.com/bolivian-prosecutor-orders-presidents-ex-girlfriend-jailed-231624553.html

February 28, 2016

Hard to find bread in shortage-stricken Venezuela

At a popular east Caracas bakery, customers can buy Spanish olive oil, Italian tomato sauce and even American chocolates. But bread? Forget it.

Cardboard signs on the door warning of "No bread" have become increasingly common at Venezuelan bakeries.

Venezuela gets 96 percent of its foreign currency from oil exports, and as crude prices have plunged, so have the country's imports -- among them wheat.

The leftist government of President Nicolas Maduro has tightly controlled access to hard currency, and this has affected imports ranging from medicine to toilet paper. Now it is seriously affecting imports of wheat, which Venezuela does not grow.

http://news.yahoo.com/hard-bread-shortage-stricken-venezuela-083657334.html

February 24, 2016

Obama Signs Executive Order Relocating Congress to Guantánamo

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making good on one of his key campaign promises, President Obama signed an executive order on Tuesday relocating the United States Congress to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.

The President seemed to relish signing the order, calling the relocation a “win-win for America,” and indicating that Congress could be moved to its new headquarters “immediately.”

“We don’t envision doing any renovations to the facility down there,” he said. “It is ready to house Congress right now.”

The President did not specify what the current U.S. Capitol building would be used for in the future, but he hinted that it could be the setting for historic reënactments in the manner of Colonial Williamsburg.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/obama-signs-executive-order-relocating-congress-to-guantanamo-bay

February 23, 2016

Female Presidential Candidate Who Was U.S. Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring

NEW YORK—Citing her lackluster support among young voters, campaign consultants to Hillary Clinton, the Democratic presidential frontrunner who has served as both a U.S. senator and secretary of state, reportedly instructed the candidate this week to be more inspiring.

“Right now, voters are looking for a candidate who stands for real societal change, someone who can stir something inside them,” said media advisor Jim Margolis, urging the woman—who overcame entrenched societal biases to build a successful legal career, became the first female senator elected in the state of New York, oversaw the Department of State during a period of widespread international tumult, and, if elected, would be the first female president in American history—to appear more uplifting to voters.

“Many young people have completely lost faith in the political process, and they want to believe that true progress is actually possible. They want someone who embodies progressive ideals.”

Margolis added that Clinton was too much a part of the establishment she spent decades breaking down barriers to enter.

http://www.theonion.com/article/female-presidential-candidate-who-was-united-state-52367

February 23, 2016

Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs

ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off.

“Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch.

“We’ve also recorded several instances of heavily rotted deer carcasses found lying nearby, likely after the animals ate some of the afflicted foliage. We would recommend that all people, especially the elderly, infirm, and pregnant women, maintain a safe distance from all Ted Cruz signage.”

Pastuck added that the research team can only comment on the conditions surrounding individual Cruz placards, noting that lawns or highway medians containing multiple signs are undergoing too much seismic activity to safely approach.

http://www.theonion.com/article/scientists-warn-all-plant-life-dying-within-30-yar-52409