October 28, 2022

Kanye West Bursts Into Pepperidge Farm With Pitch For Shoe Cookie

NORWALK, CT—Arriving unannounced with a grand vision for a revolutionary collaboration, the musician and fashion designer Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, burst into Pepperidge Farm corporate offices with a pitch for a new shoe cookie, sources confirmed Thursday.

“This next-level combo of fashion and snacks combines two things everyone loves: shoes and cookies,” Ye said as he pushed his way into a routine budget meeting, waving what appeared to be a hasty concept sketch of dough sprinkled with chocolate chips and molded into the shape of a high-top sneaker, a product he told startled employees would come in numerous flavors and cost $900 per pair.

“We got shortbread shoes, oatmeal raisin shoes, peanut butter shoes, snickerdoodle. I’m about innovation, and I know Pepperidge Farm isn’t scared to take a bold risk and launch Yeezy Munchers, a delicious footwear brand that people can both wear and eat and that will make us billions of dollars.”

At press time, a call to building security had reportedly been canceled after Ye spotted a loaf of Pepperidge Farm Jewish Rye bread and agreed to leave voluntarily.

https://www.theonion.com/kanye-west-bursts-into-pepperidge-farm-with-pitch-for-s-1849711072

October 26, 2022

Florida GOP Paid Thousands To Far-Right Charlottesville Attendee

A man who was allegedly attacked while canvassing this week appears to be an activist with a prominent history of violence and racist comments. He was also on the Florida Republican Party's payroll this summer.

The Florida Republican Party paid thousands of dollars over the summer to a far-right activist who attended the white nationalist “Unite the Right” rally in 2017 and later charged at a crowd of anti-racist demonstrators with a Confederate flag.

Christopher Monzon was paid more than $10,000 by the party between June and September, federal campaign finance records show. Neither Monzon nor the Florida GOP responded to HuffPost’s request for comment about the payments.

Monzon was in the news Monday after Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) tweeted that “one of our canvassers” had been attacked in Hialeah — a conservative and predominantly Cuban-American city in Miami-Dade County — “by 4 animals who told him Republicans weren’t allowed in their neighborhood.” Several prominent Republicans quickly latched onto the story, including Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who tweeted, “Violence has NO PLACE in politics.”

A police report confirmed an attack had taken place. However, it listed only two perpetrators, one of whom was arrested, and did not mention any potential political motivation. A Hialeah Police Department spokesperson told Local 10 News, Miami’s ABC affiliate, that there was “no indication” as of Monday afternoon that the attack was politically motivated.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/florida-gop-paid-thousands-to-far-right-charlottesville-attendee-christopher-monzon_n_6358180fe4b0e376dc1c5244

Don't know what the real story is, but it wouldn't surprise me if Mr. Monzon got mouthy with the wrong person.

October 25, 2022

Attorney who fought Florida helmet laws died in motorcycle crash while not wearing one

Ron Smith, 66, and his girlfriend, 62-year-old Brenda Jeanan Volpe, were on their way to a funeral with a group of riders from the American Legion.

In the late 1990s, when Florida bikers were still required to wear helmets, Pinellas lawyer Ron Smith was an aggressive advocate for overturning the law.

Smith was a member of ABATE — A Brotherhood Against Totalitarian Enactments and American Bikers Aimed Toward Education — which lobbied against the law for years. He represented clients who ran afoul of Florida’s motorcycle requirements in court cases that some say helped overturn Florida’s helmet law.

One of the cases went all the way to the 2nd District Court of Appeal, which ruled that Florida’s helmet law at the time was constitutional, but that the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles had failed to properly publish a list of protective equipment as required by law.

Smith didn’t like being told what to do and valued his independence, said Dave Newman, who met the attorney through an American Legion post in Old Town where they were both members.

“He thought everybody should have their own choice,” Newman said.

https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida/2022/10/25/attorney-who-fought-florida-helmet-laws-died-motorcycle-crash-while-not-wearing-one/

Well, he made his choice. Karma. And so did she; she died, too.

October 25, 2022

Americans Seething with Envy of U.K. After Malignant Narcissist Opts Not to Run Again

UNITED STATES (The Borowitz Report)—Americans were seething with envy after the U.K.’s most prominent malignant narcissist decided not to run for that nation’s highest office again, interviews with U.S. citizens have revealed.

From coast to coast, Americans expressed bitter jealousy of the British for having an incompetent former leader who, though maniacally self-absorbed and attention-craving, nevertheless possessed enough realism to depart the public stage after only twenty-four hours of hogging headlines.

Carol Foyler, who lives in Akron, Ohio, was openly covetous of the U.K.’s malignant narcissist.

“People in Britain are suffering right now because the government just wrecked their economy,” she said. “But at least they have a malignant narcissist who knows when it’s time to go away.”

“When I read that the U.K’s malignant narcissist decided not to run again, I got really mad,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of San Jose, California, said. “Why do they get a malignant narcissist like that?”

“People say that the only reason he decided not to run again was because he knew he was going to lose,” Tracy Klugian, who lives in Milwaukee, said. “But he’s not going around the country claiming he’s been persecuted. He’ll probably fly back to the Dominican Republic, lie on the beach, and get wasted. If you have to have a malignant narcissist, that’s the kind you want.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/americans-seething-with-envy-of-uk-after-malignant-narcissist-opts-not-to-run-again

October 20, 2022

Trump Outmaneuvers New York Lawsuit By Changing Name To Donald 2

PALM BEACH, FL—In a cunning attempt to outmaneuver the fraud lawsuit brought against him by the New York state attorney general, Donald Trump reportedly changed his name on Friday to Donald 2.

“I’m not sure who these charges are referring to, as there is no such person named Donald Trump—I’m Mr. 2,” said 2, the former president, who confirmed that his driver’s license as well as his passport and all official personal documents now read “Donald J. 2.”

“I’m Mr. 2, that’s me. I have no connection to this case. It’s an entirely different guy, though I do have it on good authority that if there were a Donald Trump, he’d be totally innocent.”

At press time, 2 added that perhaps the lawsuit was referring to a certain 44-year-old businessman named Donald Trump Jr.

https://www.theonion.com/trump-outmaneuvers-new-york-lawsuit-by-changing-name-to-1849659399

October 16, 2022

Trump Sends January 6th Committee a Note from His Podiatrist

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Minutes after the congressional committee investigating the January 6th insurrection voted unanimously to subpoena the former President, Donald J. Trump responded by submitting a note from his podiatrist.

The foot specialist, Dr. Harland Dorrinson, indicated in the note that Trump’s chronic bone-spur issues, which had been asymptomatic in recent years, had suddenly “been acting up again.”

“This afternoon, Mr. Trump began experiencing unbearable pain consistent with bone-spur inflammation,” the podiatrist wrote. “For this reason, I cannot in good conscience give him permission to testify.”

The podiatrist’s note did not appear to discourage one committee member, Representative Liz Cheney, who volunteered to hoist Trump onto a luggage trolley and wheel him into the hearing room.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-sends-january-6th-committee-a-note-from-his-podiatrist

October 15, 2022

Co-founder of Trump's media company details Truth Social's bitter infighting

Will Wilkerson, one of Trump Media & Technology Group’s first employees, alleges the company violated securities laws and that Trump pressured executives to hand over their shares to his wife. He shared a cache of internal documents with The Post and federal investigators that he says support his claims.

Will Wilkerson, then an executive at former president Donald Trump’s start-up Trump Media & Technology Group, was at a Fort Lauderdale, Fla., coffee shop with company co-founder Andy Litinsky last October when Trump called Litinsky with a question: Would he give up some of his shares to Trump’s wife, Melania?

Trump Media, the owner of the fledgling social network Truth Social, had just been boosted by a huge merger agreement and a flood of investment that had made the stake worth millions of dollars. Trump had already been given 90 percent of the company’s shares in exchange for the use of his name and some minor involvement, leaving everyone else to split the rest.

Litinsky tried to brush it off, telling Trump “the gift would have meant a huge tax bill he couldn’t pay,” Wilkerson said in an interview. “Trump didn’t care. He said, ‘Do whatever you need to do.’ ”

Five months later, Litinsky, who first met Trump in 2004 as a contestant on the TV show “The Apprentice,” was abruptly removed from the company’s board. Wilkerson said he believes it was payback for his refusal to turn over a small fortune to the former president’s wife. Litinsky thought so, too, according to an email Wilkerson and his attorneys shared with The Washington Post and the Securities and Exchange Commission. In that email, Litinsky complained that Trump was “retaliating against me” by threatening to “ ‘blow up the company’ if his demands are not met.”

https://wapo.st/3CIUjz4

October 14, 2022

Robbie Coltrane, who played Hagrid in Harry Potter films, dies at 72

Source: Washington Post

Scottish actor Robbie Coltrane, best known for his role as Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter film franchise, died Friday at 72, according to his agency WME.

This is a developing story and will be updated.

Read more: https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2022/10/14/robbie-coltrane-dead-hagrid-harry-potter/