March 31, 2024

They came for Florida's sun and sand. They got soaring costs and a culture war.

One of the first signs Barb Carter’s move to Florida wasn’t the postcard life she’d envisioned was the armadillo infestation in her home that caused $9,000 in damages. Then came a hurricane, ever present feuding over politics, and an inability to find a doctor to remove a tumor from her liver.

After a year in the Sunshine State, Carter packed her car with whatever belongings she could fit and headed back to her home state of Kansas — selling her Florida home at a $40,000 loss and leaving behind the children and grandchildren she’d moved to be closer to.

“So many people ask, ‘Why would you move back to Kansas?’ I tell them all the same thing — you’ve got to take your vacation goggles off,” Carter said. “For me, it was very falsely promoted. Once living there, I thought, you know, this isn’t all you guys have cracked this up to be, at all.”

Florida has had a population boom over the past several years, with more than 700,000 people moving there in 2022, and it was the second-fastest-growing state as of July 2023, according to Census Bureau data. While there are some indications that migration to the state has slowed from its pandemic highs, only Texas saw more one-way U-Haul moves into the state than Florida last year. Mortgage application data indicated there were nearly two homebuyers moving to Florida in 2023 for every one leaving, according to data analytics firm CoreLogic.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/economics/leaving-florida-rcna142316

March 31, 2024

Man Regrets Eating What He Thought Was A Peep

TOLEDO, OH—Expressing revulsion after wolfing down the “nasty-ass treat,” local man Kurt Nelson told reporters Monday that he regretted eating what he thought was a Peep.

“It seemed warm and gooey at first, but then I started to notice the gross crunchy bits,” said Nelson, explaining that his stomach ached badly after eating over a dozen of the imposter Peeps.

“Now I feel stupid for trying to stick four in my mouth at the same time. But to be honest, I’m just annoyed that I wasted calories on these. I guess it might be fun to put the rest in the microwave to watch them balloon up and explode.”

At press time, sources confirmed Nelson sampled a real Peep and immediately went back to eating live chicks.

https://www.theonion.com/man-regrets-eating-what-he-thought-was-a-peep-1850308389

March 29, 2024

Trump Releases 'God Bless The USA' Quran

DEARBORN, MI—In an effort to raise money to cover his mounting legal bills, former President Donald Trump announced at a campaign event Friday that he was selling the central religious text of Islam in a special new edition called the “God Bless The USA” Quran.

“It’s a very holy book—really the holiest of all the Qurans you can buy—and it’s time for America to bring back the word of God as revealed to the Prophet Muhammad,” said Trump, who promoted his version of the scripture sacred to Muslims by standing in the minaret of a mosque and stating through a loudspeaker that the $60 book was the only Quran inspired by country singer-songwriter Lee Greenwood’s signature hit.

“No other Quran is officially endorsed by Trump, so get yours while you can. Order now, and you’ll also receive a complimentary Trump 2024 prayer rug, inshallah.”

The former president added that he would also soon begin offering “God Bless The USA” Torahs, Vedas, Confucian Analects, and Tao Te Chings.

https://www.theonion.com/trump-releases-god-bless-the-usa-quran-1851374740

March 19, 2024

What Trump Meant By There Would Be A 'Bloodbath' If He Loses

Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will “be a bloodbath for the country.” The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.

https://www.theonion.com/what-trump-meant-by-there-would-be-a-bloodbath-if-he-1851346115

March 13, 2024

What Deathbed Visions Teach Us About Living

Chris Kerr was 12 when he first observed a deathbed vision. His memory of that summer in 1974 is blurred, but not the sense of mystery he felt at the bedside of his dying father. Throughout Kerr’s childhood in Toronto, his father, a surgeon, was too busy to spend much time with his son, except for an annual fishing trip they took, just the two of them, to the Canadian wilderness. Gaunt and weakened by cancer at 42, his father reached for the buttons on Kerr’s shirt, fiddled with them and said something about getting ready to catch the plane to their cabin in the woods. “I knew intuitively, I knew wherever he was, must be a good place because we were going fishing,” Kerr told me.

As he moved to touch his father, Kerr felt a hand on his shoulder. A priest had followed him into the hospital room and was now leading him away, telling him his father was delusional. Kerr’s father died early the next morning. Kerr now calls what he witnessed an end-of-life vision. His father wasn’t delusional, he believes. His mind was taking him to a time and place where he and his son could be together, in the wilds of northern Canada. And the priest, he feels, made a mistake, one that many other caregivers make, of dismissing the moment as a break with reality, as something from which the boy required protection.

It would be more than 40 years before Kerr felt compelled to speak about that evening in the hospital room. He had followed his father, and three generations before him, into medicine and was working at Hospice & Palliative Care Buffalo, where he was the chief medical officer and conducted research on end-of-life visions. It wasn’t until he gave a TEDx Talk in 2015 that he shared the story of his father’s death. Pacing the stage in the sport coat he always wears, he told the audience: “My point here is, I didn’t choose this topic of dying. I feel it has chosen or followed me.” He went on: “When I was present at the bedside of the dying, I was confronted by what I had seen and tried so hard to forget from my childhood. I saw dying patients reaching and calling out to mothers, and to fathers, and to children, many of whom hadn’t been seen for many years. But what was remarkable was so many of them looked at peace.”

The talk received millions of views and thousands of comments, many from nurses grateful that someone in the medical field validated what they have long understood. Others, too, posted personal stories of having witnessed loved ones’ visions in their final days. For them, Kerr’s message was a kind of confirmation of something they instinctively knew — that deathbed visions are real, can provide comfort, even heal past trauma. That they can, in some cases, feel transcendent. That our minds are capable of conjuring images that help us, at the end, make sense of our lives.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/12/magazine/deathbed-visions-research.html?unlocked_article_code=1.cU0.s8J4.08sQ_xIu4IPi&smid=url-share

March 6, 2024

McConnell endorses Trump after years of acrimony between the two men

Source: Washington Post

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) endorsed Donald Trump for president on Wednesday after years of acrimony between the two men, cementing Trump’s continued hold on the Republican Party.

“It is abundantly clear that former President Trump has earned the requisite support of Republican voters to be our nominee for President of the United States,” McConnell said in a statement to The Washington Post. “It should come as no surprise that as nominee, he will have my support. During his presidency, we worked together to accomplish great things for the American people including tax reform that supercharged our economy and a generational change of our federal judiciary — most importantly, the Supreme Court. I look forward to the opportunity of switching from playing defense against the terrible policies the Biden administration has pursued to a sustained offense geared towards making a real difference in improving the lives of the American people.”

McConnell — who has announced he will step down from his leadership role in November — is one of the most influential Washington Republican to back Trump, and the endorsement was a remarkable if expected move from the Kentucky Republican. He has held out in recent weeks as other Republicans have lined up to back Trump, including many who wanted a different nominee, and his endorsement means almost every powerful cog in the Republican apparatus is directly behind the former president.

The endorsement also comes as former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley announced Wednesday morning she was suspending her campaign, leaving Trump with no major opponents left.

Read more: https://wapo.st/48DwuX3

March 5, 2024

Trump Scared To Check Credit Score

PALM BEACH, FL—Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank’s website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score.

“I can’t do it—I just can’t do it,” said Trump, who admitted that he hadn’t paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he imagined the animated dial on his screen pivoting even further counterclockwise.

“It already wasn’t great, especially after all that Trump University stuff, but now? It’s going to be rock bottom, I just know it. I’m never going to recover from this. I could open up another account in Barron’s name, but I’m pretty sure I already tanked his credit too.”

At press time, Trump had reportedly responded to his credit score by hurling his computer across the room.

https://www.theonion.com/trump-scared-to-check-credit-score-1851297917