August 27, 2020

Kanye West may have put Idaho into play

https://cdapress.com/news/2020/aug/25/kanye-west-qualifies-idaho-presidential-ballot/

All it takes to gain ballot access in Idaho is a petition with 1,000 verifiable signatures. He has done that, so he's one of the many candidates up for election this year.

Kanye appeals to the man who loves everything about Trump's political positions but can't stand Donald Trump. The question is, are there enough of that voter to drop Trump's numbers below Biden's?

August 23, 2020

I suspect any October Surprise Trump tries will fall flat

Trump has been attacking Biden for a very long time, and all those attacks have failed. I can see nothing Trump could try that the electorate, who is prepared to get rid of the son-of-a-bitch at the earliest possible opportunity, won't see through as the BS that it is. This is not to say he won't try one; rather, the real "October Surprise" would be if he didn't. But at the same time, when he drops whatever crap he's going to drop, the electorate will be like "yeah, right motherfucker, why don't you just go back to your Quadruple Big Mac?"

On the other side of the ballot, an October Surprise will be a waste of time for the Biden camp. Trump's malfeasance is well-known, and anyone who was planning to vote for that thing would do it even if we could prove Trump uses American flags and Bibles as heating fuel. "Oh, he's just retiring those flags and those were non-King James Bibles, they are an abomination and needed to be burned. MAGA!"

August 23, 2020

Open letter to the president of the United States

The Associated Press (yes, I know, you can't stand them) is reporting that the upcoming Republican National Convention will seek to "recast your story" so as to shift attention from the fact that, so far, the Trump administration has been an unmitigated failure.

Take it from an ad man: this ain't gonna be easy.

But if you'd like to try it, I have a few suggestions.

First, fire all your children from their positions in your administration. What you're doing is called "nepotism" and it's illegal.

Second, delete your Twitter account and never get another one.

Third, stop with the cutesy nicknames for your enemies.

Fourth, fire all your "acting" department heads and cabinet secretaries, and pick people who the Senate will approve. You do realize the people you want are so corrupt, the same Senate who signed off on Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, the worst two Supreme Court justices since Roger Taney, won't approve them.

Fifth, repeal the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act.

Sixth, stop with the executive orders already. You realize you complained your ass off about President Obama's EOs, and here you are doing the same shit - only cranked up to eleven.

Seventh, quit backdooring your paycheck through your never-ending vacations. No one except your fanboiz are in the least impressed by you giving back $400,000 then billing the Secret Service $3 million for all the things they do to watch you play golf badly.

Eighth, we know you're paying your extreme debt to Russia by destroying America. Stop that shit. Right now.

Ninth, One America News Network, Gateway Pundit and Epoch Times are not legitimate news organizations. Kick them out of the White House Press Pool.

And tenth, stop giving President Obama and Senator Clinton rent-free living space in your head.

Do those things and you might actually turn around your presidency.

But you'll still lose in November. A leopard can't change its spots.

August 23, 2020

I now want Melania Trump to plagiarize Michelle Obama's speech. Verbatim.

And that's because Michelle Obama's speech was a very long and very poignant beatdown of Mr. Trump. The only way it could have been more severe is if she'd taken a 2x4 to his empty head.

I can just see it: "Things can and will get worse unless you, the voters, have the common sense to remove my useless no-dick husband from office so I can finally divorce his sorry ass without bringing shame to the office."

August 20, 2020

In the interest of fairness...

One of DU’s favorite subjects of discussion is the hideousness of Donald Trump’s hair, makeup and wardrobe.

So, it would be a bad thing if we didn’t point out just how well Kamala Harris is put together.

August 17, 2020

Review of my new Trump-disapproved washing machine

A few days ago, Donald Trump gave a speech at the Whirlpool washing machine plant in Ohio. There we learned things like "washers that comply with the current federal water use standard don't get your clothes clean" and that the orange color of his face is caused by use of compact fluorescent light bulbs (which, in case you didn't know, generate a huge amount of green light) and not the orange corrective concealer he applies to his whole face.

It just so happened that when I read that revelation, I had just come back from buying an Electrolux 627 laundry pair. This unit complies with Obama-era water rules. It arrived two days ago and I've washed pretty much everything in the house with it.

Executive summary: As usual, our ersatz president is full of shit. This machine is powerful enough to wash the evil out of Donald Trump's heart.

It's a washing machine. You stick clothes in it, put soap in it, and push a button. It beeps at you when it's done. Nothing too unusual.

This washer is about as computerized as the Space Shuttle. It uses that power to get you the most clean with the least water.

The laundry products drawer has five compartments. Three are fairly normal: detergent, fabric softener and liquid bleach. The fourth one is the "StainSoak" compartment. If you, say, have a kid who plays baseball and brings home uniforms covered in grass stains, you can fill this with more detergent for a powerful presoak. The fifth is the "Pods" compartment. If you like to use Tide Pods, you don't have to put them in the tub like on lesser washers; on this you stick the pod in the drawer, push the "pods" button, and a jet of hot water will dissolve the pod. If you select "pods," it will retain that setting until you turn it off by hand. The regular detergent cup will accept either liquid or powdered detergents.

As for detergent use, this machine does it a little different: there is a tank at the bottom of the machine. Instead of pouring soap right on your clothes and hoping the water stirs it around like most washers do, it pumps the detergent into the tank, adds the rest of the water for the cycle, mixes them, and pumps THAT water into the drum.

The amount of water it uses depends on the load. There is no "high/medium/low water" switch on this thing. The first two minutes of the cycle are spent calculating the amount of water needed to wash what you have in there, and only that amount is used.

The machine has several excellent cleaning cycles, although "normal" and "colors" are the ones you'll use most. There is also a "15 minute fast cycle" I haven't tried yet, and a lovely "whitest whites" cycle (which I tried first) that will get that orange shit Trump puts on his face out of his golf shirts. If you are stuck with an unenviable chore like washing Mitch McConnell's undershorts, you can put the temperature setting on "Sanitize" and the built-in boiler will raise the water temperature to hospital-grade settings. I have never seen clothes as clean as they come out of this washer.

If you get one of these, one word of advice: Always use "max" spin. The regular spin cycle gets most of the water out. The "max" cycle leaves your clothes almost dry.

Proper engineering leads to better results than just throwing water at it.

August 12, 2020

I just figured out what to rename Aunt Jemima stuff to

As most of us are aware, the company who makes the Aunt Jemima line of food products is changing the name because they’ve realized it’s a racial slur.

I believe they should change the name to Donald Trump. They’ll sell Donald Trump Waffle Syrup, Donald Trump Waffle and Pancake Mix, Donald Trump Frozen Waffles...Trump will go for it if he’s paid five cents per package as a royalty.

Republicans will buy this line of products because they love Trump, at least for now.

Democrats will buy it because Trump is the worst waffler in our country’s history and we understand the joke.