Mr. Scorpio
Mr. Scorpio's JournalI'm staying out of GD today
It's going to get even more CRAAAZEEEE!
I've been spending the last two hours doing my show, so I haven't been keeping up with all the details around Prez Obama's NSA speech.
But I looked in there for a sec and it was hopping like hot cakes.
It's going to last all weekend, isn't it?
MFM Was A Son Of A Bitch
He was a ten foot tall mountain of a man, who used to hunt Bigfoot in the Summer and Yeti in the dead of Winter. That's the only time they're in season.
He once calmed down a colicky baby by breastfeeding her with a chicken.
MFM one time stopped a California wildfire cold by reading Dr. Suess's "The Cat In The Hat" to it.
Did I tell you about the time when MFM ate half of the Catholic Church's College of Cardinals? They were glad to be consumed by MFM, because it turns out that the quickest way to Heaven is through his digestive tract.
MFM was one hellava sexual dynamo. The city of Denver's entire electrical grid was powered by the energy of his pelvic thrusts.
MFM was able to split himself in two, the other half being a beautiful super model. When they had sex, you couldn't help but to cry from the sheer joy of their love for each other.
MFM was a son of a bitch.
Whenever he drove down the street, the traffic lights would flash green for go, yellow for slow down, red for stop, and psychedelic for "get the hell outta the way, MFM's comin' through!"
If MFM punched you in the face, that was his way of sobering you up to be a designated driver.
I once saw MFM diving leg drop the Phillies Phanatic. That jerk totally deserved it. MFM kept his head on his wall as a trophy.
MFM's feces was made of pure anti-matter. NASA keeps a batch to power the upcoming manned space flight to Mars.
I once saw MFM shoot down an Argentine airliner by popping a pimple at it. His aim was perfect.
One time MFM ate entire Buick as a before meal snack. It wasn't one of those sedans either, it was a big ass SUV.
Before Elvis died on his toilet, he admitted that MFM was the inspiration for his multi-platinum hit song, "A Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love." Turns out that MFM once gave The King the clap. Elvis was grateful to MFM all the way to the bank.
MFM was a son of a bitch.
His gallstones were used as the national currency of Azerbaijan.
MFM once rescued an entire troop of lost Boy Scouts by eating them whole. They're also in Heaven now.
MFM wrote the original screenplay for "Gods and Monsters." He modeled both on himself.
If you dared him, MFM would eat a Republican.
He invented Beer Pong as way to settle international disputes.
MFM isn't dead, he's just biding his time until the Apocalypse, when he'll eat The Anti-Christ whole and save humanity from destruction.
MFM was a son of a bitch.
Rebel Alliance Hero Pens Tell-All Book
A moment of illicit love between tell-all book author, Chewbacca and Princess Leia
THE IMPERIAL GALAXY - Chewbacca, Han Solo's 200 year old, seven foot tall Wookie sidekick and co-pilot of the smuggling starship, The Millennium Falcon, released a tell-all autobiography today, where he reveals a ten year long illicit love affair with Princess Leia Organa, the wife of Solo.
The affair started, surprisingly enough, just after the fall of the Empire and the death of Emperor Palpatine at The Battle of Endor. Chewbacca had just returned to the Millennium Falcon from his home planet of Kashyyyk, after completing his studies of Wookiesutra, the mystical art of Wookie lovemaking. He had earned the title of Master, Twelth Level, in which he didn't waste anytime in using. Chewbacca details the circumstances, in his book, which let to him seducing Leia Organa and starting their long adulterous affair together, where he details her ravenous sexual appetite for someone whom she once described as "a big walking carpet."
Chewbacca wrote that he wanted to begin an affair with Leia just after the two met for the very first time, after the destruction of the first Imperial Death Star. A station from which he played a vital part in her rescue. Chewbacca alleges in his book that he was the mastermind of the entire rescue and ultimately, the moon-sized station's obliteration. "The entire operation," he writes, "Was doomed to fail without my leadership. Even if the humans got all of the glory." He also writes that he was intent of bringing the collapse of the Empire, as the there existed a ban on inter-species sexual relationships by imperial decree.
The affair ended quite abruptly after Leia gave birth to a half-human/half-wookie child during The Crystal Star crisis. This resulted in the loss of two marriages, both Leia and Han's, as well as the marriage of Chewbacca and his wife, Mallatobuck. Not to mention the collapse of the long partnership between Solo and the Wookie.
The sad part the story details Leia giving up for adoption, her love child with Chewbacca, to a family of Ewoks on Endor. The Wookie mentions that he has given up any claims to the child, as it would be in the child's best interests, given his nomadic lifestyle. He declines to give further details in the book to protect the privacy of his child and the adoptive family.
Chewbacca also writes in the book that entire Star Wars Saga completely undervalues his own exploits and he also reveals his previously hidden feelings for all of his former compatriots.
The only known picture of Chewbacca and Leia's love child. Name Unknown.
Let me tell you about the time that MFM saved my life...
It was in 1968, when I was assigned to a special squadron of USAF Junior Combat Controllers, behind enemy lines in Vietnam. I was seven years old at the time. I didn't think that I would be sent straight to fight in South East Asia right out of the first grade. But darn it, did I have another think coming.
Anyhoo, to make a long story short, I was cut off from the rest of my team in a tense firefight, ammo almost running out, my killbar buried deep inside the guts of charlie, who was sinking fast in the muck. Pretty soon an entire division of Ho Chi Minh's cousins would be all over me and the only thing that I'd have to defend myself was a sharpened twig and a Hershey Bar.
But before my radio was shot full of holes, I was able to radio in coordinates for a last gasp, desperate air strike. I had serious doubts that help would come before it was too late, though.
But just as Charlie was coming up the hill, so close to the wire that I smell what they had for lunch (It was fish balls and rice), an entire group of B-52s appeared out of no where and dropped their load, Operation Arc Light-style, on the advancing troops' heads. Saving my young ass so I could see the second grade.
Once I got choppered out of there after taking some flak in my arm, I was able to track down the pilot who led that bombing run which saved my life to write about it today.
It took me a while but I found out who it was, it was none other than our own MFM. We met up at Miss Riki-Tiki's club in Saigon and I told that I owed him my life. You can say that it was the very first DU meet up, before there was even a DU. He told me to think nothing about it as long as I was buying the drinks, and over round after round of San Miguel later we solidified our life long friendship.
Of course, he was too modest to ever bring up that time he saved me and he never ever brought up the fact that I never returned the favor. But that was our MFM, you know how he was, selfless to the end.
But that wasn't our only adventure together. A few years later, he and I had the opportunity to pull Rachel Welch out of a burning limo that had crashed in the Hollywood Hills, way back in '77. Let's say that she was very appreciative to us for helping her out...
But, alas, that's a story for another day.
Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears: Get them for someone you hate
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389858285&sr=8-1&keywords=haribo+sugar+free+gummi+bears
Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.
The Review:
By C. Torok on October 3, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.Read more ›
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