orleans
orleans's Journalboth of my parents loved to rename foods
it's like they thought they were inventing a whole new language
ba-lan-joes (bananas)
gorilla cheese (grilled cheese)
yeggerts (eggs)
ass-per-gas (asparagus)
boo-tree (butter)
ba-log-na (bologna)
maulk (milk--that was my baby word)
i'm sure there were more but it's all i can think of offhand
that video was lovely. i'm sure your mom appreciates every moment you worked on
putting it together.
this is my fourth mother's day since my mom passed and my heart is still broken.
it's the first year since she passed that i went out and bought her a card; i realized it was important to me to still acknowledge mother's day with something tangible.
adapting to being without someone we have been with for so long can be very difficult and challenging. but we keep them in our thoughts and in our hearts and that is how we keep them near.
take care.
omg, cha
i was walking the pooch and thinking how this is going to be my 4th mother's day without my mom and suddenly decided i was going to go out and buy a card for her (which i haven't done for 3 mother's days now).
i put some tissues in my pocket, envisioning myself reading the cards and crying, trying to pick out the right one. as it turned out, the aisle was very crowded as i turned into it. i stopped, a card caught my eye right away, i picked it up and read it. that was the right card. there were no tears. i glanced at few others, but i had found the perfect one right away.
on my way home i said to myself: my god--you're crazy. and after a moment i added: so what? who the fuck cares?
i sat down and wrote quite a bit inside the card. it had an interior page and i filled that and the back of it along with the back of the card. it wasn't so much of an "update" to my mom -- (because i think she is most definitely still around--the night before my daughter & i were on the couch talking and i got a whiff of my mom's scent/perfume; i glanced over at her chair and told my daughter "she's here--just like before when the three of us would all sit around & talk"
-- but i poured out my emotions into the card (and cried over every word i wrote). i put it in the envelope, wrote her name on it, and slipped it into a journal type of book that i use to write/communicate with her.
it's reassuring to know i'm not the only one giving their mom a card in spite of such circumstances.
even tho i was very emotional as i wrote in that card it did make me feel good--it gave me the opportunity to acknowledge the fact that she still is my mom (always was and always will be) for as long as i'm on this earth.
amazing photographers. wonderful photos.
one of the few reasons my mom would sit in front of the computer was when i told her we should vote on the photos at the du photo contests. (she wasn't a computer person and had no interest to learn to use one.) but we would look at all the pictures and she would comment and be wowed, and we would vote together--and the majority of time we'd agree.
one of life's simple pleasures--voting in the du photo contests. (and enjoying all the pictures)
thanks kesha. i know we share the same boat--missing our mothers
and today was not a good day for me.
(you know sometimes i think i'm doing okay, and then ...i just crash. so today i was crashing on the way to work and on the way home)
this morning my daughter asked me what i wanted for mother's day.
"i want my mom" was my answer. it's true.
so on the way to work, in the car, i said out loud:
"so, mom, what do you want for mother's day?"
and the answer i heard her say in my mind, without missing a beat:
"i just want you to be happy."
omg! i just lost it--of course she wants me to be happy. it sounds like the simplest thing when it's probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now.
i don't know what i was expecting, but i guess i wasn't expecting to hear that. i probably wasn't expecting to hear anything.
and on the way home as i drove through a neighborhood i could smell grills fired up and food cooking and i started thinking of when i used to barbecue and those summer afternoons/evenings with me managing the grill and the food for my mom and daughter. and i miss those days so terribly much, remembering how they felt, how i felt. i used to think "i love my life" -- sometimes i would even say it out loud to myself in the car when i was driving.
and then i start thinking they're gone--those days, those precious years, with my daughter still a kid and growing up and the three of us together--they're gone. and i loved them so much. those days, those times, are gone. so why am i still be here? (i know it sounds so dumb--but, like i said, i was crashing)
i'd do it all again in a heartbeat--all the years, the bitter with the sweet--i wouldn't change a thing. except to give my mom ten more years of health. (and in turn, give me ten more years with her)
...what a day...
something here
reminds me of something i read lately in the book "ask george anderson."
here is an excerpt (in response to someone who had written about being present during the tsunami)
“The souls who did pass in these disasters are much more understanding and forgiving of the circumstances than those who actually survived. Firstly, and most important, they understood that it was, in fact, their time to pass. It makes no difference the kind of circumstance we pass in, or the amount of people who pass alongside us--when it is our time to leave the earth, because we have learned all we can here, we continue past this lifetime to the world hereafter. One of the things that is striking about the messages from the souls who passed in many of these disasters is that there was a beautiful sense of community and even belonging as they found themselves part of a group of people scheduled to pass together, and in an unbelievable circumstance. Many have told me that while they may have been initially afraid, knowing that they were not alone in their passing made a big difference. In sessions where someone has passed in this kind of circumstance, many names will come through that family members will not recognize initially or perhaps not at all. This is because the souls will rattle off the names of people--most just strangers to them--who at the last moments of their lives became the best of friends. It seems odd to think that the souls would think of complete strangers who also passed with them as dear friends and comrades, but it often brings such comfort to family members to know that their loved ones passed among friends--whether they were longtime friends, or friends joined by the catastrophe they faced. Many souls have gone as far as calling those they perished with their second family--hoping to help those who did survive to understand that at the time of their passing, they were comforted, at peace, and loved.
“It should be pointed out that the souls who passed on in disasters that became famous around the world actually do understand their place in history. They know that their names will be forever linked with what happened, and to them, there is a kind of beauty in knowing that perhaps their passing has taught the world something about compassion, coming together in times of need, and finding ways to prevent disasters of the same kind in the future. It should be pointed out that there has never been any vitriol or hatred on the part of the souls, especially to those who may have been directly or indirectly responsible for their passing. There is just understanding and peace. It seems the souls know something we don’t, but they do know that it is something we can learn--faith. “
--from Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson and Andrew Barone
--pg 192-193
three and a half years
since i have seen my mother
laughed with her
talked face to face with her
looked into her eyes - her eyes - she had green eyes
held her hand
touched her soft hair
heard her footsteps through the living room, in the kitchen
cried with her
conspired with her
sang with her
heard her voice (--actually, i did hear her say my name one night. but just my name, nothing else)
made popcorn for her
asked her to make some coffee for me, for us
told her "goodnight. see you in the morning" which she would repeat back to me and either chuckle or smile because she knew it was my way of getting her to promise she would make it through another night.
three and a half years
and my life, of course, has never been the same
and i have not been the same
i lost so much of myself three and a half years ago
and i have had such a hard time tying to find me again.
she was my best friend all through my life
even through my wicked early teen years
and her wicked mid-life crisis years
we were inseparable
until three and a half years ago.
and it's just so incredible for me to think i have gone this long without her in the day-to-day. i'm growing old without her!
i miss the life i had and the person i was and the happiness i felt about my life.
if she, for a second, thought she was becoming irrelevant she knows better now. if she, for a second, thought she wasn't needed or loved she knows better now. i believe she can still see me and hear me. but i can't see or hear her. i believe she is still with me so often but i still can't see or hear her. sometimes i smell what i remember was some combination of her perfume and powder and i smile and just that fast the scent is gone. i'm so glad to have at least that, but... compared to what we had?
i'm sorry--i'm just feeling so low tonight. and lost. and so sad...
what's for dinner? potatooooes!!! potatoes and green beeeeans!!!
just had to post it in case you haven't seen this adorable commercial with the wolves.
i played it five times and crack up each time.
i love this brilliant comm.
how sad for that poor girl
i'm really sorry to hear about this.
it sounds like she was in a pretty tough situation
it also sounds to me like you *were* there for her especially since you had planned on getting together for easter.
regardless of friendships and shoulders to cry on and someone to lean on and future plans, suicide is a choice people make for themselves (and i can only assume that their pain or hurt just cuts too deep--for whatever the reason).
it's just a very sad situation. and while so often people are left wondering what the hell happened and why it happened it sounds to me like you have a lot of insight into this.
i found this group shortly after i lost my mother nearly 3 and 1/2 years ago although i've been on du since 2004--i never knew this group was here either, until i needed it. and it has been a tremendous help and comfort to me--i check into this group most every day (even if i don't post anything--i still check in because i know there are others here who understand and relate and empathize. what more could i ask for?)
take care, ellie.
these "stages" were originally observed by kubler-ross regarding people who were in the process
of dying / facing their own deaths
when my mom was told she was dying she didn't go through each stage (there was hardly time--it was just a little over a week from when we were told to the evening she passed. and when we were told she was dying the doctors felt she wouldn't even qualify for hospice because they believed she would live longer than six months!)
she went through two of the traditional stages: shock and acceptance.
i began grieving before she passed
my bereavement stages have been more of:
initial panic--oh no!
sadness / sorrow
depression
major depression
and finally i've been rising up from the depths of my depression to a stage i think of as
acclimation. i'm adapting. and have been showing signs of returning to my "old" self.
neither one of us went through an anger stage or a bargaining stage
we can look at general patterns of what dying people experience and what those of us who go through the loss of a beloved one experiences but they are just generalities.
as an example
i don't feel i did it wrong (or am doing it wrong) because i never got angry that she was dying or after she died (whether it was anger at her for leaving, at god or the universe for taking her, at myself for not being able to fix or right the situation, at the doctors, whatever--i never felt anger)
kubler-ross's stages are helpful to tell us these are things we might be feeling or things we might feel down the road, but no one should think they are doing it wrong because they skipped a stage or backtracked or felt a certain way that wasn't on the list.
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