Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It's Coronavirus Cure

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner, Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus,” said Mitchell, indiscriminately throwing containers of laundry detergent, Scrubbing Bubbles, grout whitener, steel wool, Febreze, Tilex mold and mildew remover, and laptop screen wipes into the cart, the contents of which rang up to $2,513.67 at checkout. “I’m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it’s going to save us, so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle. After this, I’m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I’m prepared in the event that turns out to be what gets rid of the Wuhan. Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril. You never know what might work in a pinch!” At press time, neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head.

https://local.theonion.com/man-just-buying-one-of-every-cleaning-product-in-case-t-1842493766

An unprecedented drop in economic activity was 'relatively' good news

Data implying a 12% GDP decline is now good news

IHS Markit’s flash reading on business output in April published Thursday hit a record low, with the composite output reading falling to 27.4, the lowest on record. Readings over 50 for this measure indicate expansion and readings below 50 indicate a contraction in activity.

“Private sector firms in the U.S. signaled an unprecedented decline in business activity in April, with manufacturing and service sector companies registering marked contractions of output amid the outbreak of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19),” the report said. After an initial drop in this index to 40.9 in March, April’s data confirms that the bottom is indeed dropping out of U.S. economic activity.

But this largest-ever drop in activity seen from IHS’ report points towards a falloff in GDP growth during the second quarter that is not quite as grim as some economists are forecasting.

On Thursday, the weekly report on initial jobless claims was also released, revealing that another 4.42 million Americans filed first-time claims for unemployment insurance last week. Over the last five weeks, more than 26 million people have filed initial claims. The four-week average of claims is now nine times higher than the financial crisis peak.

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/unprecedented-drop-in-economic-activity-was-relatively-good-news-morning-brief-102721320.html

I desperately long for an orator of President Obama's caliber to coalesce...

A calm; soothing; educated voice to reaffirm our nation that unity is paramount in these uncertain times.

Sigh.

Happy Bicycle Day; friends!

“It’s weird out there...”

Ohio: National Guard called to Marion prison as county coronavirus cases near 1,000

Members of the National Guard are being trained to help at a second Ohio prison as coronavirus infections among correctional workers and prisoners continue to spread, the state prisons agency said Friday.

The 50 or so guard members will assist with “mission critical functions” at the Marion Correctional Institution, said JoEllen Smith, spokeswoman for the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction. The State Highway Patrol is also helping guard the prison’s perimeter, Smith said.

The assistance comes as the number of coronavirus cases in Marion County more than doubled in a day to nearly 1,000 on Saturday. Inmate infections are included in the county's total number.

According to the Ohio Department of Health, Marion County had 983 cases of coronavirus as of 2 p.m. Saturday, up from 428 on Friday. The updated total puts Marion County at having the third most cases of any county in the state, trailing only Cuyahoga and Franklin.

https://www.mansfieldnewsjournal.com/story/news/local/2020/04/18/ohio-prison-marion-correctional-coronavirus-cases-covid-19-national-guard-called/5159921002/

COVFEFE-19

Graphic: The 1918 Denver "double-humped" curve

New Jersey Charges Organizer Amid Trump-Backed Protests Meant To 'Liberate' Stay-At-Home States

Source: Forbes

New Jersey charged an organizer Friday for violating Governor Phil Murphy’s executive order, as small gatherings continue to pop up to protest state stay-at-home orders—following President Trump’s tweets encouraging people to “liberate” three Democratic-led states.

According to a report from the state’s attorney general, “Kim Pagan of Toms River was charged by the New Jersey State Police with violating the emergency orders by organizing a prohibited event today in Trenton in which protesters gathered outside the State House and at other locations”

New Jersey hasn’t been shy about breaking up gathering and charging individuals, but the violation comes amid a smattering of anti-lockdown gatherings in Arizona, California, Colorado, Maryland, Texas, Utah and Washington.

New Jersey has the second-most confirmed cases of the coronavirus in the country with 81,391. On Monday, it was announced that New Jersey and five other Northeastern states would coordinate on when and how to reopen the economy, calling it the “COVID corridor.” The White House released guidelines on Thursday to help governors decide how to reopen parts of their states, but New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for additional funding and help coordinating to ramp up testing. “If you want states to reopen, we need funding,” Cuomo said Saturday.



Read more: https://www.forbes.com/sites/mattperez/2020/04/18/new-jersey-charges-organizer-amid-trump-backed-protests-meant-to-liberate-stay-at-home-states/?utm_campaign=forbes&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_term=Gordie/#676f7264696

Trump advisers on reopening economy gave half-billion to Republican efforts since 2015

The White House published a list of executives this week dubbed “Great American Economic Revival Industry Groups” who will be asked to join conference calls with the president on how to reopen the economy. The list includes dozens of Trump donors and several major benefactors to Republican candidates. 

Members of the new task force and their spouses gave a combined $467 million to Republican candidates and conservative groups since the 2016 election cycle, according to contribution data from OpenSecrets. Together they’ve given tens of millions to Trump’s joint fundraising committee and millions more to pro-Trump super PACs. 

Trump’s advisers gave a total of $8.3 million to Democratic candidates and causes since the 2016 cycle compared to $467 million to Republicans. Jon Gray, an executive at Blackstone Group, and his wife Mindy, are among the few Democratic donors. Only 21 names on Trump’s list have not made a political contribution. The list does include some individuals who have clashed with Trump in recent years, such as AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

It is unclear how the White House decided on who to include. Some members of the task force didn’t know they would be asked to join until their names were published on the White House website. By organizing the group of industry leaders the way it did, the White House skirted transparency rules, Politico reported.

https://www.opensecrets.org/news/2020/04/trump-advisers-on-economy-gave-to-republican/

Trump Announces He Has Hidden 5 Golden Tickets Among Stimulus Checks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has built up a lot of buzz over the coming stimulus payments, saying he has hidden five golden tickets among the checks heading to Americans this week.

Anyone who gets a golden ticket will win a free tour of Mar-a-Lago. Rumor has it that Trump will be watching them closely to see which of the winners has the qualities he looks for in a manager, with the best candidate getting hired as Mar-a-Lago's onsite McDonald's manager.

"Who will win? Nobody knows!" Trump said gleefully as he carefully signed each of the golden tickets before hiding them among the stimulus checks. "I, Donald Trump, have decided to allow five Americans — just five, mind you, and no more — to visit my resort this year. These lucky five will be shown around personally by me, and they will be allowed to see all the secrets and the magic of my hotel and golf resort -- the best golf, maybe ever. Then, at the end of the tour, as a special present, all of them will be given Season 1 of The Apprentice on DVD!"

"So watch out for the Golden Tickets! Five Golden Tickets have been printed on golden paper, and these five Golden Tickets have been hidden in your stimulus checks. These five may be anywhere — in any mailbox in the country. And the five lucky finders of these five Golden Tickets are the only ones who will be allowed to visit my Mar-a-Lago during the lockdown. Good luck to you all!"

https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-says-5-golden-tickets-to-be-hidden-among-stimulus-checks?utm_content=buffer96b27&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Unfortunately, he put all five golden tickets in a stimulus envelope addressed to Jim Acosta.