TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalI'm Starting a Game Show Called "Are You Smarter Than Carter?" (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hello m'loves. As always, check out the post with all links at my site:
http://showercapblog.com/im-starting-game-show-called-smarter-carter-contestents/
Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things're pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I'd say "too quiet," but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017.
So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul's MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor over...their lawns? I guess?
We'll be old and grey, trying to recount the madness of these batguano-frosted days in the nursing home, struggling over this sort of trivia. "Didn't Marco Rubio miss a vote because somebody hit him with a plastic flamingo, or something?"
Anyway. I don't want it to seem like I'm advocating, or cheering for violence, because I'm not. I'll just say that I imagine living next door to Rand Paul for 17 years is...challenging.
Well, SCROTUS started up his big Asia trip, and I'm sure he's representing America in a manner we can all be proud of! There's no way he's saying anything colossally stupid like "Golly gee, I never knew we had so many countries," that'd just be -
...well, fuck.
We don't need Presidential debates, folks. We need 3rd grade tests.
Didja see that story over at Axios? Seems Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet had a meeting with some Native American leaders, and told 'em, "Law Schmaw! Do whatever the fuck you want, bro! Fuckin' look at me, I'm sending the taxpayers bills for port-a-potties for my OWN FUCKING SECRET SERVICE DETAIL. It's Act One of Wall Street until Mueller breaks up the party! SHOTS!!!!!!!!"
Bloomberg sat down the Russian lawyer who reached out, once upon a time, to Shart, Jr., saying "Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?" to which Prince Dotard responded, "Hellz to tha Yes!"
Yes, Natalia Veselnitskaya laid out all the proposed quid-pro-quo, and even said she'd testify to it under oath to any ol' investigative committee, or Special Counsel who asked her.
This seems like a good time to recall that Team Shart's best defense of this meeting is "Well sure we TRIED to collude with a hostile foreign power to influence an American election, but it didn't really work out, so it doesn't count, right?"
And of course we find ourselves engaged in the all too familiar rituals that follow a mass shooting. Extra familiar, since Vegas was, what? The day before yesterday?
All the usual voices called sent their hollow, useless, thoughts-n-prayers, with a few indignantly scolding those who would "politicize the blah blah blah blah blah YES I'D LIKE ANOTHER DONATION, WAYNE," because, and let's not mince words about this, Republicans do not care when Americans are murdered by white people.
We're adding a new, 21st century social media wrinkle, where trolls n' bots spread disinformation about the shooter being an Atheist Democrat Antifa Monster Made in a Harvard Lab From Chelsea Clinton's Eggs and Sperm From Obama's Gay Lover, because the internet is awful.
President Shartcannon weighed in from Japan, saying "How dare you blame our precious, precious guns! This mass shooting, like all mass shootings not committed by brown-skinned people, was the dastardly work of Mental Illness!"
No one seems to have been willing to remind him of the bill he signed earlier this year repealing an Obama-era regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to obtain firearms. That would've been...too reasonable.
And just because this whole thing wasn't tragic enough, it turns out the shooter should never have been allowed to buy a gun in the first place, having been discharged from the Air Force after a domestic violence conviction (he broke a toddler's skull), but, here's the thing, the military never bothered to feed his name into the Don't Sell This Violent Maniac a Gun database, because that would've been too much work.
So the guy who BROKE A TODDLER'S SKULL was able to march into any fucking store he wanted, say "Boy I sure would like some murder machines!" and walk away with...well, with the tools to end 26 lives in a Sutherland Springs church.
Now, WHY does this shit keep happening? I'll tell you why. Wayne LaPierre always hides out for a few days after the latest massacre (I'm told it takes several showers to wash the blood off those filthy, filthy hands), but he'll be back soon enough, stirring up fear and hatred for his bloodthirsty masters.
Anyway. Next time you see him on tv, take a look at, oh, let's say his necktie.
It'll be a nice necktie. Nicer than any of mine, certainly. Wayne's a wealthy man. "Death Merchant Lobbyist" is a well-paid post.
Anyway. The tie. That tie will have been paid for by the money Devin P. Kelley spent on the rifle he used to shoot up that church. Paid for by the cost of the bullets Kelley bought for the express purpose of ending those 26 lives. The bullets that killed those children find their way to Wayne LaPierre's pocket, and he leaves that SAME MONEY in the tip jar when he gets a latte.
THAT'S why this happened. Why it'll happen again. Wayne's not about to give up his comforts.
But maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I should look at the whole picture. Fuck, maybe I should be like the folks over at Fux Nooz, and see the brighter side of mass murder! After all, IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO GET SLAUGHTERED IN A HAIL OF BULLETS THAN RIGHT IN YOUR VERY OWN CHURCH? I BET JESUS GIVES YOU AN EXTRA PACKAGE OF OATMEAL CREME PIES IF YOU GOT MURDERED IN CHURCH!!!!!!
Somehow there's a dude, a "minister" willing to go even lower, if you can imagine. Dude's all mad at the liberals for fighting against GAWD'S PLAN for all those kids to get shot to death because it was GAWD and not a violent fuckhead who should never have been allowed to purchase a firearm, but I guess Gawd wanted him to have the gun cuz he sure did fucking have it and maybe that 18-month-old who got killed was gonna grow up to be Hitler, did you ever think of that? CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!!!!!"
I need to leave a little space to allow everybody to detox from the horrifying state of the gun debate in our country. Take a moment to scream, if you need.
Anyhow.
It's been pretty fucking funny, watching Paul Manafort play Bargaining For Bail with Robert Mueller. Sorry, Paulie. This ain't Settlers of Catan. The government's gonna wind up confiscating your entire ill-gotten stash when all is said and done anyway. Enjoy your GPS ankle bracelet. You remain...#Manafucked.
I see the woman famously photographed flipping off Shart Garfunkel's motorcade lost her job as a result. If crudeness to our bloated, shit-for-brains, pigeon-dicked President is a firing offense now...geez, don't tell my boss about this blog.
Oh wait. I totally wear a mask. No worries.
We keep learning more about Paul Ryan's Make Americans Serfs Again tax reform bill, and...holy shit, y'all, how gerrymandered ARE these fuckers' districts, that they think they can get away with this? Teachers won't be able to deduct the cost of classroom supplies they pay for out of pocket anymore, but Princess Ivanka will be able to send her Pound Puppy to Oxford. And it looks like the bill actually RAISES taxes on low-and-middle-income households, just so the Koch Bros can wipe their asses with Ben Franklin instead of Ulysses Grant?
Reza Aslan published an op-ed over at the LA Times likening the Drumpf movement to a cult. That's a HOT TAKE, Reza. Most of us noticed that shit last summer when Tangerine Idi Amin's slavering hoards ritualistically circled the press pens at his rallies, shouting death threats at journalists while using ketchup as war paint on their Trump That Bitch t-shirts.
Gnome King/Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is pipin' mad that the dirty librul media revealed all those multi-million-dollar financial entanglements with PutinPalz he lied about in his confirmation hearings. He says it's "evil." Not that he DID it, mind you, but that reporters found out about it and informed the public. THAT'S evil. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cobbling to finish before the Old Shoemaker wakes up!" Ross screeched, before vanishing in a cloud of putrid-smelling green smoke.
As I write this, all the journalists on political Twitter are busily combing through the just-released 200 pages of Carter Page testimony from his meeting with the House Intelligence Committee last week. Boy Howdy, Carter Page is...not smart.
In between tripping over his own lies, Page manages to confess to not only meeting with Russian officials on behalf of the campaign, but also informing a whole bunch of his colleagues about his activities. I'm afraid you won't be getting an Xmas card from Corey Lewandowski this year, Carter.
You really have to wonder why the Shart Campaign hired Page instead of, y'know, a well-trained corgi, or a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If you're lookin' for a little good news, I got some good news for you. Before I share it, I'm just gonna need you to repeal those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions for me, 'kay?
Just kidding. But that woulda worked on Drumpf's shitty kids, y'know.
Good news is, apparently ACA signups are up (way up, if the Hill's sources are right) over last year, despite all of the Shart House's diligent efforts to sabotage advertising and outreach.
See how mighty we are, Resisters? The President of the United States is trying to HIDE the ACA markets from his own people, but WE THE PEOPLE are thwarting him. You've got links to ACA signup sites on your social media pages, right? RIGHT?
Want a little more good gnus? Ok, just make a teeeeeny change in the Republican Party platform, regarding Ukraine policy, and I'll let you know about the latest generic congressional ballot poll.
Anyway, I hope everybody reading this who has something to vote on tomorrow votes the ever-lovin' shit out of whatever election happens to be available.
And one way or another, exactly one year from today, we ALL get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, which I personally cannot fucking wait for.
*A DOTARD ABROAD, based on an unfinished W. Somerset Maugham story, will be adapted into an A&E miniseries this spring, starring a damaged clone of Jason Alexander in the title role.
Oh, Wilburrrrrrrrrr! Also, I think Jared Broke the Middle East (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hi everybody. I just popped out of the trenches of the Secret Antifa War to see if anything interesting's going on.
Feel free to check out the post with all relevant links at:
http://showercapblog.com/oh-wilbur-also-jared-broke-middle-east/
...holy fuck. It really never stops, does it?
Rick Perry must've poured a little science sauce on his smart guy glasses, when he posited Perry's First Theory of Fossil Fuels Preventing Sexual Assault. Hey assault victims! Maybe if you wore a frumpy turtleneck made of fossil fuels instead of that slutty dress that showed your ENTIRE ANKLE, you wouldn't have been assaulted, you filthy whores!
Speaking of science, one the industry stooges Scott Pruitt installed on the EPA's Science Advisory Board thinks the air is too clean. No no, I make a lot of jokes here, but this is just what the dude said. The air's too clean, we need kids to inhale a little more toxic shit so their bodies can get used to fending off all the even MORE toxic shit we plan on dumping into the air in the future.
Dude's telling us we need to mutate our bodies to survive in increasingly poisonous environments. What next? "Periodically administer chemical burns to your infant's skin, in order to build the thick layer of scales they'll need to endure the post-apocalyptic hellscape we expect to create by 2065, when we anticipate everything will be literally on fire all the time."
Joe Ricketts sure is a fucking scumbag, huh? Journalists at the websites he owns vote to unionize, he immediately fires everyone, shutters the sites, and locks the writers out of their own work? That's some Act One Scrooge level shit, Joe.
And to think, some would say there's a wealth inequality problem in America. Maybe you should just shut your cuck mouths lest ye anger our benevolent oligarch overlords, didja ever think of THAT?
Meanwhile, Donna Brazile took out her scales. On one side, she put "the fate of America, and indeed in the world." On the other, "sales of my forthcoming book." By now, you know what she chose.
Yes, one short week before Democrats' first chance to flex their electoral muscle and strike back at the Drumpf-enabling GOP, Brazile decided "This seems like the perfect time for some dishonest spin on an old story so as to pick open some old wounds."
The GOP has Uranium One, we have Donna Brazile.
Donna, with her ninja-level hindsight, claimed see saw All the Signs, because Hilldawg's campaign staff were inadequately fucking one another, a scientific metric worth of Secretary Perry. She also talked about heroically contemplating just ignoring the will of every primary voter altogether and replacing that Withered Crone with Joe Biden, or George Clooney. or maybe just a ficus.
Contradicted by absolutely everyone and backed up by literally no one, Brazile's walking back her inflammatory claims book ads, and she's all "Did I say rigging? I meant HUGGING!" Ugh.
Me, I'm donating the cover price of her shitty, self-aggrandizing slam book, 28 bucks, to the Democratic Party. Fuck Donna Brazile, let's elect some Democrats and take our motherfucking country back!
Carter Page is too dumb to be a real person, right? Like, one of these days, he's gonna run into a corner, and his face will pop open, revealing he's a sophisticated robot piloted by three or four drunken gerbils. RIGHT?
Anyway, MacArthur Dumbass Grant Recipient Page sat down for the House Intelligence Committee for a few hours on Thursday, without a lawyer, or even just a dog collar set to administer a mild corrective shock whenever he was about to say something really self-destructive. Which was really fuck dumb of him.
Yeah, Carter met some Russians, but they mostly just discussed their shared love of Perfect Strangers. And by the way, he totally told Jeff Sessions about doing it, which is weird, since that contradicts all those things the AG said under oath. In the Senate. Twice.
Yup yup, Ol' Beauregard done perjured himself again. I look forward to the ritual where Jeff gets dragged back to the Senate so that Al Franken can yell at him some more, and then he can swear up and down that for real this time, there are no more Russian contacts he can remember, and then four days CNN will come across a video of him pole-dancing at the Kremlin while the entire Duma pelts him with rubles.
And we keep learning that Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy George Papaderpaderp was dispatched on some pretty dang important assignments for such an Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy.
The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits and a Dwarf Dick keeps tantruming about how he doesn't get to use the US Justice Department as his own personal vendetta-settling oppression apparatus. What's the point of even being President, right?
(In related news, Drumpf has allegedly been dropping hints around the office that he'd really, REALLY like a secret police force, answerable only to him, for Xmas this year. John Kelly's hoping a set of Justice League action figures will placate him.)
For a glorious hot minute (or ten), Il Douche's Twitter account was deactivated, apparently by a low-level employee on their last day. Bravo, Disgruntled Ex Twitter Employee! I always felt like James Dean just for shoving a ream of printer paper and a few pens in my backpack on my way out, but you got me beat!
The papers with fancy calligraphy nameplates get all the credit, but USAToday comes up with a decent little scoop now and then. This week they let us know that Weehands McGriftpants has been handing out plum government jobs to dues-paying members of his golf clubs. Neat setup, innit? Drop a little cash in the President's pocket, land a fat, taxpayer-funded, paycheck? Solid investment.
We're told Jared Kushner turned documents related to the Comey firing over to Robert Hood and his Merry Men. Is this why his Pa-in-law called him "worst political adviser in the White House in modern history?" Is there familial strife in Shartopia? Will Don the Con, Lear-like, make his children battle over a limited number of pardons?
Thanksgiving sure is gonna be awkward this year.
Jar-Jar also popped over to Saudi Arabia for a surprise, secret visit...and ever since he came back, shit's been getting seriously real over there...you've got politically-motivated arrests, you've got suspicious plane crashes...WHAT DID YOU DO, JARED?
Asked about the numerous vacancies at the State Department, Boss Shart declared, with all the grandiosity that such an inescapably tacky fellow could muster, "I am the only one that matters," which is a totally normal, not-at-all-worrisome thing for an American President to say. I'm pretty sure that was in the first draft of the Fear Itself speech.
If you were at Harvard last semester, maybe you got a chance to see Spicey Off the Record, the hot new lounge act spinnin' lies while avoiding accountability! Perhaps ridin' that podium segway to campus near you, soon! Or maybe jail!
The Bush Boys came at Sharty McFly in one of those books about how the GOP has turned into a production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest performed by the laboratory animals they test over-the-counter amphetamines on. Words as harsh as "blowhard" were bandied about. Quick, get me to my fainting couch!
And Kellyanne Conway dropped by CNN to chastise them for refusing to dutifully carve her boss' easily-disproven lies onto stone tablets. She's really grown nicely into her role as Indignant Propaganda Minister, hasn't she?
The Marmalade Shartcannon embarked on his big Asia trip, but not before stopping off in Hawaii to get mercilessly trolled by the locals.
And I guess he babbled some nonsense about Japan Shoulda Shot Down North Korea's Missiles Because Aren't They All Samurai Warriors or Something?
SAMURAI WARRIORS? Fuck. It's like we're being governed by the kids I went to sleepovers with in fourth grade. If Donnie doesn't get an extra turn at the controller playing Final Fantasy, you know he's gonna get all pouty and probably declare war on Finland.
Naturally he can't wait to meet with Uncle Vlad for his latest performance review. And also to see if maybe he has a spare room he can crash in for a couple of months.
NBC says Bashful Bob Mueller is closing in on Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn and his lunatic jagoff son. I don't get what the big deal is, personally. Why SHOULDN'T disgraced, unregistered foreign agents have access to the highest levels of classified intelligence in their quest to manipulate a moronic, know-nothing, Commander in Chief for the benefit of foreign paymasters?
And I guess all the early indictments have the various underlings from Team Shart scrambling in pants-shitting terror. Aw, poor traitors. Don't worry, I'm sure everyone will stay loyal to everyone else.
(Like Preibus didn't start shrieking "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE! BAGGINSSSSSSSSSSSS!" eight seconds after Mueller said "Good afternoon, Reince."
I suppose it's no longer particularly surprising news when we see yet another poll revealing the Shart to be historically loathed, but I did get an extra chortle of glee seeing the bit where a majority have noticed the whole Can't-Get-Shit-Done thing. Weird, how the strategy of Repeatedly Saying You've Accomplished More Than if All the Other Presidents Were Rolled Up Into One Super President Like Voltron isn't an adequate substitute for, y'know...actually doing shit.
I don't get to write about Wilbur Ross as often as I'd like, y'know? He's sort of flown under the radar, but he's a dirtbag we ought to revile just as much as Mnuchbag and Price and Zinke and the rest of the American Oligarch crew looting our nation. Anyway, it looks like it's finally the Gnome King's turn in the barrel!
Y'see, today saw the release of the long-awaited sequel to the Panama Papers, the Paradise Papers, this afternoon! (Coming next spring: Papers: Ragnarok!)
Seems our Commerce Secretary has a whole buncha billions he forgot t'tell the government about on his disclosure forms, (This cabinet sure is a forgetful lot! SOMEBODY COUNT THE NUKES, AMIRIGHT?) including some shared "business interests" with Vlad Putin's immediate family!
And it seems he's been making money partnering with sanctioned members of Uncle Vlad's inner circle? OH, WILBURRRRRRRRR!
By the way, the government of Cyprus, that haven for Russian oligarch money laundering where Secretary Ross ran a very large bank before joining the cabinet, turned over a bunch of documents to Mueller relating to the dealings of the recently-indicted Paul Manafort, who is increasingly #Manafucked.
Oh, and Kremlin-connected oligarchs bought up large stakes in Facebook and Twitter? Rad. Thank God the beneficiaries of all this Russian infiltration and interference are the ones in charge of investigating it, and preventing it from happening again.
I guess Rand Paul's neighbor assaulted him? They're both rich jags in a gated community, but I'm pretty sure this is the work of a vast Soros-funded Antifa/Jade Helm/Hydra conspiracy. Seriously though. Don't punch Senators. Punch Richard Spencer.
Oh, and of course most of Puerto Rico still doesn't have power.
And Tangerine Idi Amin, that America First champion, just won permission to hire foreign workers at the very same golf club where he charges the American taxpayer exorbitant fees for the Secret Service to rent golf carts.
Fuck, y'all. Shit be cray. Shit be so goddamn cray, I didn't even have time to talk about how shitty the GOP tax bill is. But we're all gonna get on the phones and sink that fucker all the way to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, aren't we?
Anyway, I gotta get back to Antifaing all the Real Americans now.
Just Past Halloween, Trump's Already Turned on His Fucking Son-in-Law.
Good evening, friends. As always, you can find the post, with links, at:
http://showercapblog.com/trump-turned-on-kushner/
Well folks, Halloween has come and gone, so why does reading the news still feel like I've been locked in the Funhouse Hall of Mirrors with nothing but NyQuil and moldy pumpernickel to subsist on?
Before we get started, don't forget the OBAMACARE OPEN ENROLLMENT PERIOD started today! Your government doesn't want anybody to know that. Your government would prefer you died like the Taker Scum you know you are than giving you the health insurance you're entitled to, because you see a black guy told a joke about Donald Trump this one time.
So it's on US, Resisters. We need to replace all the advertising and word-spreading that our distressingly bloodthirsty government refuses to do. So get your asses on social media, and let everybody know about that sweet sweet health insurance that's batting its eyes in the corner, all coquettishly, at the millions of Americans who're entitled to it. Health Insurance, you SLUT.
As you all know, New York was the site of a horrifying terror attack. Your average, run-of-the-mill President might give a rousing, unifying speech, about how strong, decent, and loving Americans are, how these cowardly acts will not defeat us...but not Government Cheese Goebbels.
No, he wants to rant about how Chuck Schumer personally smuggled the terrorist into the country in the trunk of his hybrid (CUCK), nursed him to adulthood on a diet of jihadist propaganda and SpaghettiOs, and finally turned him loose wearing a suit made entirely from I'm With Her bumper stickers.
(Later in the day, some of the frothier nutcases on the right came at Jake Tapper for daring to suggest that maybe not all Muslims are evil, but Diet Rambo was NOT HAVIN' THAT SHIT.)
Anyway, these days the national discourse seems to revolve around whether or not the Civil War was really about race and slavery, or just the inability of good ol' boys to sit down over mint juleps and a friendly game of Jenga to hammer out a friendly compromise on whether or not human beings could be property. IT'S LIKE 1855 BUT WITH MINECRAFT!
Papa John came out against free speech today, because EVEN PIZZA IS AN ASSHOLE NOW. I guess American Fascism has an official fast food sponsor, that's nifty. Maybe they can start making kids meals, with little personal pizzas that come with a talking action figure of the Texans owner referring to his players as "inmates."
And of course we're still rolling around in the aftermath of Manic Monday* like gleeful puppies frolicking through leaf piles, because goddammit, we deserve a little good news.
It is one of the great pleasures of my life, witnessing Shart Garfunkel's craven media enablers desperately, pathetically trying to spin this as anything other than jackhammer-to-the nutsack news for the administration. (Sean Hannity's descent into madness has permanently replaced pornography for me.)
"C'mon, this is Paul Manafort's problem! Ok, so the President hired a career criminal, an unregistered foreign agent, to manage his campaign, & the dude was laundering money for Putin Pals the whole time, but there's nothing in there about collusion!"
Really? A money launderer running the campaign? That's something y'all're just totally down with now?
"Yep."
Ok, what Poopaderpaderp? The guy who literally confesses to collusion, and implicates multiple high-ranking campaign personnel as well?
"Oh, he was hardly involved in the camp-"
NOPE. Looka here. Also here.
"...HILLARY CLINTON KIDNEY-PUNCHED MY GRAMMA! BENGHAZI! EMAILS! URRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIUUUUUUUUUUM."
It'd be funny, if it all wasn't done in service to protecting traitors.
Getting back to Papadoobedoo, you know everyone's least favorite racist Keebler elf, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, spent this week hiding in his office, quietly crapping frosting into whatever freaky religious undergarment he wears. See, we keep learning more and more about Ol' Beauregard's ties with young Georgie, and the magic 8-ball says "You're rather spectacularly fucked, Jeff."
Did Perpawalkywalk have a little talky talk with Sessions while wired, and swap it for his cushy plea deal? I don't know, but I'll tell ya what, folks: I really, REALLY want that. I don't know why I hate Sessions more than any of the other fucks in this cheap goon cabal, but I really fucking do.
And y'know what else I want? I want to see Sessions sent to one of these private prisons he's been oh-so-eagerly filling up with undocumented immigrants and non-violent drug offenders. He's so eager to ratchet up the Justice Department's role in jackbooted institutional white supremacy? Fuck you, Jeff, I bet they can spare a cot for a traitor.
And I'm placing a 30-cigarette bounty on each of his dopey ears, when that day comes.
Somehow Paul Manafort found himself in even deeper shit today, as the Ukrainian government (You know the one. The one Putin doesn't like. The one whose enemies Paul Manafort worked for.) is all "Fuck YES y'all can have everything we've dug up on that Rectal Tumor of a Human Being!"
I guess Manafort surrendered not one, but THREE passports before reporting for house arrest, which is pretty typical of people who aren't in the habit of committing international financial crimes, right?
We're told Manafort frequently travelled under false names, among them Madame Penelope Grundle, mysterious dowager Countess, a famously poor baccarat player known for soliciting foot massages from Southern Europe's most eligible bachelors. (Manafort turns out to be surprisingly fetching under the appropriate wig, particularly once he's applied a beauty mark.)
The GOP, meanwhile, refuses to pass legislation protecting the Mueller investigation. Bob Corker's all, "He's not batshit enough to fire Mueller," apparently forgetting that the fuckhead SET THE WHOLE FUCKING INVESTIGATION OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE BY FIRING JIM COMEY FOR REFUSING TO PLEDGE LOYALTY.
I never knew this, but it turns out one of my favorite things about all the previous Presidents of my lifetime is how they never referred to the entire American justice system as a "joke" or a "laughingstock." I guess my fifth grade civics class didn't adequately prepare me for 2017's rapidly-plummeting standards.
Oh, and speaking of Levels of Depravity You Never Imagined an American President Could Possibly Sink To, I guess the Marmalade Shartcannon's lawyers are saying that slandering the women who've accused him of sexual assault is constitutionally protected free speech.
Sure, whatever. At this point, I just need Al Franken to bring that up at the impeachment trial, just in passing.
Scott Pruitt continues purging the EPA of scientists, because if you think science is a real thing, that means you have a "conflict of interest," unlike the noble avatars of impartiality he's replacing them with; fossil fuel company lobbyists.
And just to show everyone how serious the Shart House is about the whole Science is For Cucks initiative, wooooo doggie, get a load of the asspimple they're trying to push through to run NASA!
What next? Maybe they'll name Gallagher Chief of Staff at Walter Reed? Maybe the next Surgeon General will just be a waffle. That last Eggo waffle, freezerburned and forgotten underneath that one Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Marsala box you bought when you were feeling adventurous.
(Just to cleanse the pallet, let me offer you this profile of Betsy DeVos, focusing on what a hamfisted fuckup she is. Feel better?)
(But then, if you want to swing back in the other direction, here's a Mother Jones piece that shows just how deep in the derp our government really is. HOLY BALLS, DUDE.)
We got a look at some of the ads the Russkies unleashed on our dumbass electorate last year. Everything from race-baiting to arm-wrasslin' Jesus to color-your-own-sexxxy-Bernie to Here's Hillary Shitting on a Veteran's Grave While Giving Bin Laden a Hand Job, because, as I keep saying, Russia figured out how to weaponize our most prominent natural resource: morons.
Going microlocal, gather ye 'round to hear the tale of this shitty little white girl who poisoned her black roommate and got expelled and now faces hate crimes charges. Is America great again yet?
Mexico's former ambassador to the U.S. says the State Department's protocol urges diplomats to steer people to Orange Julius Caesar's shitty, gaudy, hotels. Got that? Low-T Rex doesn't think we need a sanctions office, but helpin' out Boss Shart with his petty grift is official policy.
And of course the Feral Jackasses in the House Republican Caucus continue bumbling through the construction of their tax "reform" bill, like stoned chimpanzees trying to put the Mousetrap board game together.
What's in it? Who the fuck knows? Not the Republican Party, a day or so before unveiling it, certainly. Rumors abound. Will it casually repeal the individual mandate, sending health insurance markets into an entirely predictable, economy-crushing death spiral? Will it cap tax-deductible contributions to 401(K) plans just so Charlie Koch can have his scrotum gilded?
Greg Gianforte chews absentmindedly at the cabbage patch doll has colleagues dressed up as a reporter to funnel his rage in less self-destructive directions. Steve King sits in the courier, raving about cantaloupes. Jim Jordan...is an asshole.
And of course the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is down in the trenches, personally working out the minute details of the bill, balancing the needs of the various stakeholders with the deftness of a master legislator, sort of like Lyndon-Johnson-as-played-by-the-Rock.
Hah hah just kidding, he doesn't even know what the fucking bill does. His contribution apparently comes down to wanting to call the legislation the "Cut Cut Cut" bill, because...I guess this "branding genius" doesn't have a lot left in the tank after "let's name it after me."
Seen this Vanity Fair piece? This is the best 36-leaker-sourced-portrait-of-a-dickless-tyrant-in-meltdown article since the heady days of the Priebus era. Not even a year in, Dorito Mussolini's already turning on his fucking FAMILY.
And of course Steve Bannon, that Pockmarked Grima Wormtongue, counsels his old boss to dig a trench around the Resolute Desk, declare himself Emperor for Life, and turn as much of America into Kurtz's camp as he can get away with.
Just for fun, let's check in on the new poll that says 59% of Americans call these shitty days "the lowest point in the nation's history that they can remember."
Jesus Fuck, polling's taken a dark turn of late, huh? Fuck it, let's keep digging. Let's find out how many hours daily the Average American spends gazing into the Abyss, and what percentage report the Abyss gazing back. How many people find Guernica a comparatively cheerful painting when placed alongside the morning's print edition of the Washington Post?
FUCK. Maybe Werner Herzog should run for President. HERZOG/THAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU SMELL YOUR DEAD GRANDPA'S COLOGNE ON THE BUS 2020, y'all!
*Donnie wishes it were a Sunday. That's his Golf Day. Well, the second consecutive one.
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