TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalThe Republican Frontrunner Thinks Magnets Break When They Get Wet (Ferret)
Well, the Iowa caucuses are finally upon us, and barring a Hail Mary from the weather manipulation wing of the Haley campaign, the babbling rapist who spends his days meandering from courtroom to courtroom, pausing periodically to demonstrate, for reasons which are difficult to discern, that he doesn’t understand how magnets work, looks likely to emerge victorious.
(Makes more sense with links, promise: https://showercapblog.com/the-republican-frontrunner-thinks-magnets-break-when-they-get-wet/)
Chris Christie finally threw in the towel, and if the Never-Trumpers’ wistful eulogies overpraised his sycophant-to-very-brave-indeed-teller-of-truths conversion, well, I’m inclined to be indulgent. I doubt it’s biologically possible to contemplate what’s left of the Republican primary field without triggering a gag reflex.
Like, did Chris Cillizza even bother picking three winners and five losers from Ronnie n’ Nikki’s Aggressively Inconsequential Bicker-Off (For Distant Second Place)? Shoot, they lost the rube ratings war to Fox’s Grandpa Shits His Pants Hour with Martha MacCallum & Brett Baier.
And considering Donnie Dotard’s been stumbling around, urging bedlam and wishing for a stock market crash, while refusing to sign an oath to forsake the violent overthrow of the government, in addition to demanding legal immunity to assassinate political opponents at taxpayer expense, it sure woulda been nice if someone, anyone in the Family Values Party™️ could’ve obstructed the fascist bastard’s ascent for once.
Yeah, woulda been lovely. But no, if you want anything done in this country, you can’t send a Republican. We knew this.
I feel like we might have success running a Willie Horton-type ad, only with Roger Stone. “Here’s a recording of a dude Donald Trump pardoned, a known associate of domestic terror groups, plotting the assassination of two Congressmen.” Everyone still agrees that’s bad…right, America?
Rejuvenated by the holiday recess, Mike “Moses” Johnson strode onto the House floor, threw open the curtains, took a deep, invigorating breath…and then Chip Roy leapt from the shadows to attack his groin with a claw hammer.
I wouldn’t wish the Freedumb Caucus on anyone. In my culture, “Chip Roy” is a sort of bogeyman who lives in a hut on chicken legs deep within the Heritage Foundation, and creeps into the bedrooms of naughty little Speakers when they praise Hitler-quoting game show hosts.
You will no doubt be shocked, shocked to learn Paul Gosar staffs his congressional office with neo-Nazi interns. Since this is hardly Paul’s first offense, he’ll surely be disciplined by House GOP leadership, especially that famous anti-anti-Semitism crusader, Elise Stefanik.
Or perhaps Elise is too busy referring to violent, white nationalist Capitol rioters as “hostages” on television. Elise is auditioning to be a certain cognitive-test-passer’s running mate, y’see. Well, when you’re fleeing for your life from an incel with a nail gun, and all you get is a text saying “so what?” don’t come bitchin’ to me.
Poor, dumb Jimmy Comer held another of his sad, self-immolating “hearings,” and y’know, I thought I’d be sick of ‘em by now, but I’m not. Watching a malicious nitwit step on the same rake over and over turns out t’be endlessly entertaining. I’m already looking forward to the next one.
Clay Higgins hopped on the Ghost Bus to whatever meth den houses Tucker Carlson’s show these days, to assert the Capitol Riot was caused by more than 200 FBI infiltrators, and then he took the Ghost Bus back to the U.S. Capitol. Where he works. As a Congressman. In case you were wondering why the Lincoln Memorial has been crying tears of blood.
Some uppity journalist spoiled protofascist nepo baby Jay Ashcroft’s fantasy of kicking Joe Biden off the ballot in Missouri, no doubt earning a slot on Jay’s personal version of the fantasy gulag roster every aspiring American autocrat carries around in his head.
The High Priests of DeSantistan finally liberated the children in their charge from the spiritually corrupting influence of…the dictionary! It’s inspirational, what a small band of puritanical creeps can achieve, all while maintaining a wide variety of thrilling, criminal lifestyles on the side.
By the way, comrades, I assume everybody got the email, but just in case, quick reminder that Operation Jade Helm III: The Helmening has been indefinitely postponed, now that our most sinister, most powerful Deep State agent, Taylor Swift, has been unmasked. And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, were it not for the raw journalistic skill of that wily Jesse Watters.
That said, while I certainly support ascendant American fascism antagonizing a beloved pop star’s massive, zealously loyal fanbase, I don’t know how many “I guess somebody needs to SHAKE IT OFF yo ho!” press releases I’m going to be able to endure.
Several of MAGA Nation’s least favorite people, including Jack Smith and Judge Tanya Chutkan, have been targeted for swatting in recent weeks, because a fun, easy thing you can do in America right now is have a paramilitary strike team sent to somebody’s front door to terrorize and maybe kill them. Say, perhaps that system could use a few tweaks.
Elon Musk hired Tulsi Gabbard to create content for his flailing vanity hate site, lending credence to recent WSJ reporting about his excessive drug use. We can’t be more than six months away from the scene in the movie where he locks himself inside his private bowling alley to personally hand-delete the accounts of everyone who ever mocked him and nobody sees him for weeks at a time but the butler who delivers the diapers and pizza rolls.
Well, seems Fox kicked Mike Lindell’s ads off the air because he can’t pay his bills, so now he’s whining about getting “cancelled.” Has the pillow money finally run out? Gonna pitch a reality show where broke-ass Mike gets an apartment with equally broke-ass Rudy Giuliani.
Just a heads-up, I will be turning the blog over to Shed Mouse for the foreseeable future, in order to spend more time with my beer fridge. If you’d like to support the blog, you can always sign up on the email list, follow @john_luzar on the aforementioned vanity hate site, or even donate to the beer fund, now accepting Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App. Oh, and you can pre-order my comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, that’d be cool.
One way or another, stay safe out there, till we meet again…
Congrats, America, It's Now Been Three Years Since Your Last Violent Insurrection! (Ferret!)
Happy Insurrectiversary, everybody! From the donning of the shamanic headdress to the theatrical reenactments of Roger Stone’s conversation with Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio to the cherubic bleats of the schoolchildren chanting “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!,” I truly love this holiday.
(Makes more sense with th’links, I promise: https://showercapblog.com/congrats-america-its-now-been-three-years-since-your-last-violent-insurrection/)
With Iowa just around the corner, it’s been predictably nauseating, watching the institutional GOP congeal in a fetid pool at the Dotard’s feet. Tom Emmer’s groveling was particularly debasing. “As someone who has been personally bullied by Donald Trump, l cannot recommend the experience highly enough. He’ll crush America’s dreams the way he crushed mine!”
It’s definitely not a cult, though.
Sure, observing the garish obsequiousness of Elise Stefanik’s ritual un-endorsement of a Republican congressional candidate who had the audacity to refer to the Grand High Gameshowhost as “arrogant,” you might say to yourself, “wow, that’s as culty as it is embarrassing, so, like, almost unendurably culty, I guess is what I’m saying,” but it’s still not a cult.
I mean, would a cult make a video like this?
Look, I’ll admit polling says most Republicans see Off-Brand Orbán as a “person of faith,” while the likes of Romney and Biden are infidels who should be burned at the stake or at the very least poked with reasonably sharp sticks, but it’s totally unfair to call it a culllllll okay, fine, it’s a cult.
A cult of personality. But a worthy personality, an admirable personality, the sort of personality that deserves worshipping, you have to grant that. It’s not as though a third of the country has pledged absolute fealty to a drooling fascist grifter who spends his days obsessively rage-posting about a woman he raped.
…wait.
Incidentally, I see Wee Don’s countin’ on his buddy Kavanaugh to make all his 14th Amendment worries disappear. C’mon, Brett, it’s what Tobin and Squi would want.
Poor Jimmy Comer always gets SUPER jealous whenever House Oversight Dems produce evidence of yet another Trump crime spree, accepting millions in bribes from foreign governments, for example. “It’s not really fair cuz they’re investigating real crimes and mine are made up,” sulked Comer, while submitting to a Jake Tapper wedgie.
Yeah, you say he didn’t qualify, but Vivek Ramaswamy didn’t wanna be in your dumb ol’ debate anyway, CNN! He’s gonna hang out with his cool new friends Alex Jones and Andrew Tate that night, they’re gonna order a pizza and play GoldenEye and sleep in sleeping bags on the basement floor and you’re definitely not invited, CNN!
Free of Vivek’s fashy yapping at last, Nikki n’ Ron can finally have that civil, nuanced discussion about which of them would pardon Trump harder, while Chris Christie furiously masturbates in the corner. Must-see TV, I’m sure.
I confess I was delighted to see the DeSantis delusion wouldn’t sputter out completely without one final, bitter burst of petulant Rich Lowry fanfic: The Media Done Ron Wrong, the tragic tale of a boy who only wanted to bring efficient, drama-free autocracy to America, brought low by the cameras that cruelly, unjustly documented the inescapable dislikability the candidate radiates at all times.
While Rich spins DeSantistan as some comfortably-shy-of-alt-right utopia, Ron’s batty Surgeon General is stumbling around, issuing official state bulletins that read like bathroom graffiti in a QAnon bar. VACCINES ARE THE LITERAL ANTI-CHRIST THEY DON’T STOP COVID ONLY APPLYING A POULTICE OF HORSE DEWORMER AND BRIDGET ZIEGLER’S BATHWATER TO YOUR BUTTHOLE CAN DO THAT.
Well, good news for anyone who’s ever wondered what happens when you bring a messianic delusion to a Jewish space laser fight: Marjorie Taylor Greene is a-feudin’ with Speaker-for-Now Mike “Moses” Johnson! Look for Mike to swiftly adopt his predecessor’s Capitulate to the Crazy Lady policy in the face of his ever-shrinking majority.
Actually, wingnut intraparty fight club culture is thriving these days, and lucky for us, it’s a spectator sport.
Like, the normie wing of the Michigan GOP is finally making a play to wrestle back control from the loons, but Kristina Karamo has barricaded herself inside a Denny’s bathroom with the party charge card, and she’s already racked up a six-figure debt on Jim Caviezel speeches, George Santos Cameos, and cheezy tots.
And it is SO fun to watch.
Almost as much fun as the mutually annihilating, acrimonious divorce between Wayne LaPierre and the National Rifle Association. I really thought those two were gonna make it. So many common interests, like children’s funerals, and racism.
Perhaps if Jesse Watters had asked his tarot-reading guest what the cards said about accusing Texas Congresscreep/maladjusted ragebeast Dan Crenshaw of insider trading, he could’ve avoided getting publicly eviscerated as a “fucking clown” and “mediocre entertainer” who “pees sitting down.” Me-OW!
If the Florida Republican Party had only paid that $2 million ransom when they had the chance, they wouldn’t be dealing with headlines about how their party Chairman, who was already under investigation for sexual assault, is now also under investigation for “video voyeurism.” This is why Aesop has that fable about the crane who gets blackmailed by that rapist tortoise.
Capitol Riot truther Maya Flores abandoned her campaign to regain her old seat in Congress, to instead enter the restaurant business, announcing the summer 2024 opening of Maya’s False Flag Ranch & Kitchen, serving only the most authentic cuisine Flores can steal and present as her own. Don’t worry, Republican voters, I’m sure she’s not lying to you about anything important.
Mike Flynn believes the United States should have one and only one religion, presumably state mandated, and I gotta say, that ranks pretty high on the list of Things Mike Flynn Should Not Be in Charge Of. This is how we wind up in Planet of the Apes scenarios, people.
It’s definitely super healthy that we’ve successfully integrated the steady drone of low-level domestic terrorism as acceptable background noise. Wave of bomb threats targeting state capitols? Dude gets arrested for threatening to assassinate a Congressman? Ho hum, wake me up when somebody opens fire inside the Colorado Supreme Court building or somethin’. Or, actually don’t. Multiple casualties, or let me sleep in.
I bet the handful of countries that failed to take advantage of Bob Menendez’s bribability are kicking themselves right now. Anyway, despite yet another superseding indictment, the blue team’s shittier, less-fun George Santos still refuses to resign, which isn’t my favorite thing.
Green Day’s guest appearance on the Two Minutes Hate allowed MAGA Nation a fleeting feeling of cultural relevance that likely didn’t survive the news that Vanilla Ice headlined the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s party.
Yeah, the culture wars’re still real, real dumb, though at least Barbara Streisand has Lauren Boebert on the run. On the other hand, The Daily Wire’s Michael Knowles’ plan, to “turn Mickey Mouse into a Nazi” could shake up the battlefield in ways we can’t foresee.
Despite heavy investment in the lucrative “white nationalist troll” demographic, the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter (where, if you’re masochistically inclined, you can follow me @john_luzar) is now worth 71.5% less than it was when a certain doltpilled narcissist overpaid for it. Which is, it goes without saying, entirely the Anti-Defamation League’s fault.
Maybe Elon should hand the reins over to someone less economically suicidal. Maybe even someone who creates prosperity, rather than obliterating it in fits of pique. Someone like, say, I dunno, Joe Biden? “C’mon Joe, you must be pretty bored with creating jobs by now, why not embrace the challenge of rescuing a billionaire tech bro from the consequences of his own shitty decisions?”
“Can’t, dork. Too busy fighting ascendant American fascism at Valley Forge. Suck an egg.”
Hey, it’s been a minute since we’ve talked about the comic books, (Hi! In addition to this blog, I write comic books sometimes, if ya didn’t know.) but I have news. MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, which I self-published via Kickstarter thanks to y’all’s generosity, is getting a new run, published by CEX, distributed in comic shops an’ everything. Yay!
So if you missed the original Kickstarter, you can read about, and better yet pre-order MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION at this link!
Otherwise, you’re always welcome on the email list at showercapblog.com, plus we now accept donations to the beer fund by PayPal, Venmo and Cash App! I’m rather insanely thankful for all your kind support over the years. So stay safe out there, chums, we’ve got a loooooooonnnnnng election year ahead of us.
Armpits, Ketchup, and a Butt, and Other Causes of the Civil War (Ferret)
The madness tends t’be mercifully light at the end of the year, as Republicans nurse wounds sustained during family holiday card photo shoots. I certainly don’t intend to look this particular gift horse in the mouth; let’s make it a quick one tonight, and get back to our nogs and mulled ciders.
(As always, links, colors, etc: https://showercapblog.com/armpits-ketchup-and-a-butt-and-other-causes-of-the-civil-war/)
Well, the Colorado Supreme Court and the Maine Secretary of State ruled a certain Manchurian Manchild ineligible for the presidency for his crimes against democracy, fashion, and Perfectly Good Steak. I’m told the crew that stripped his name from that Panama hotel are being brought in to replicate their work on participating states’ primary ballots.
…MAY THEY ROT IN HELL.
Ah, such a warm, inspiring, Christmas message from the undisputed leader of the party o’ family values! Plus, I believe the line about immigrants “poisoning the blood of our country” is a direct quote from Miracle on 34th Street. Or possibly Mein Kampf. I get ‘em confused.
Off-Brand Orbán claims he hasn’t read Hitler’s manifesto, it’s just a zany coincidence that he keeps quoting him on the campaign trail, and who cares anyway, since pluralities of Iowa Republican caucusgoers reported sexual arousal at the prospect of electing a dude who talks like an actual Nazi? No wonder he’s so eager to share word clouds showing voters associate him with “corruption,” “dictatorship,” and “revenge.”
Incidentally, he also denies bullying his way into a cameo in Home Alone 2, (extremely normal human being, our 45th President) but Adam Kinzinger’s claim, that he smells of “armpits, ketchup, and a butt” remains officially unrefuted. Make of that what you will.
Getting trickier to deny the insurrection part, too, as the evidence mounts. Lordy, there are (even more) tapes, of confessed felon Kenneth Chesebro’s testimony about Ron Johnson’s role in the fake elector scheme, and even of the Dotard himself, personally pressuring two Wayne County canvassers not to certify the 2020 election results. Word is Melania’s gag gift, of an orange jumpsuit, did not go over well.
Riding a wave of momentum that’s landed her in the thick of the race for distant second place in the Republican primary, Nikki Haley fell victim to a wily Biden stratagem wherein a plant from the darkest depths of the Deep State asked her a question off a third grade history test:
“What was the cause of the United States Civil War?”
Yeah, that’s a tricky one, all right…assuming you’re seeking the high priesthood of a white nationalist resentment cult.
Anyhoo, having effortlessly short-circuited the latest “moderate” GOP savior with the approximate equivalent of “name your favorite Founding Father,” Joe celebrated a job well done by inviting Hunter over to the Oval to do cocaine off the Declaration of Independence.
Meanwhile, there’s not enough of Ron DeSantis left to fill a chair.
In a tacit admission that his treacherous, deadbeat ass is incapable of cashing the many, many checks his mouth has written, Rudy Giuliani filed for bankruptcy, unless maybe defamed election workers Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman would be willing to accept a stack of IOUs, illegibly scrawled, as if by the not-yet-fully-formed hand of an infant, on Mar-a-Lago stationery, for “legal and insurrectionary services rendered?”
You’d think Harlan Crow could spare a couple hundred million for a fellow wingnut scumbag who’s fallen on hard times. Giuliani’s plight shines a harsh light on the issue of income inequality on the authoritarian Right. A little mild whinging about the meager wages of rolling back women’s rights earns Clarence Thomas a lifetime as the pampered pet of the oligarch class, while Rudy gets stuck paying his own landscaping and hair dye bills out of pocket? It’s fucking unjust, is what it is.
Speaker McCarthy reflected on the many accomplishments of his first year in -
Hang on, that’s not right.
In just a few short months, Speaker Scalise etched his name in the history books, with a far-reaching agenda celebrated across the political spectr-
Wait.
Critics grudgingly conceded Speaker Jordan’s unmatched recorrrrrrrrrr…
Gimmie a minute, I’m gonna get this.
Tom Emmer, not only a real human being, but a United States Congressman and, in fact, Speaker of the whole dang House of Repres-
GODDAMMIT.
Ok. “Mike Johnson awoke in a cold sweat, checked under the bed for Chip Roy, as was now his custom, and marveled that his back had somehow once again gone unstabbed during the night.”
I mean sure, using metrics like “issues addressed” or “laws passed” paints an unflattering picture of the House’s manic MAGA majority, but I say why not judge them by the smiles they brought to our faces? Personally, I’m brimming with gratitude that I lived to witness Kevin’s sad, shambling, spanked-by-that-monkey’s-paw-every-inch-of-the-way death march back to the private sector.
Arguably the most successful thing to come out of the House Republican Conference this year was George Santos’ burgeoning Cameo career. Of course, given that Michigan Congressthug Tim Walberg flew all the way to Uganda just to say “Hey, nice work on that ‘Kill the Gays’ bill, you guys,” (at a PRAYER BREAKFAST, mind you) the dip in legislative productivity was probably for the best.
Having already purpled a district with an R+7 lean with her fashy shenanigans, Lauren Boebert’s re-election prospects looked as dim as Lauren Boebert, following controversial stands on issues ranging from “Democracy, or nah?” to “Should I jack this guy off in a crowded theatre?” so she’s fleeing to redder pastures.
Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Capitol-rioter-cum-congressional-candidate Derrick Evans shared a holly jolly photograph of a Christmas tree adorned with ornaments depicting prominent Democrats dangling from nooses, a reminder that the institutional GOP still isn’t quite brownshirty enough for some folks.
Gas stove owner Kamala Harris used a gas stove in her gas stove-containing kitchen, which got more coverage on Fox than the Dominon lawsuit payout, Boebert’s Beetlejuice handjob, and climate change put together.
Oh hey, with New Year’s resolution season upon us, I’m looking for an accountabilibuddy to help me stick to my daily abortion regimen in 2024. While I did get 328 abortions this year, I’m confident I can do better. I just want to pull my weight as a Democrat, y’know? I’d hate to think I was disappointing Kellyanne Conway.
Well, we made it through another year of this shit. Somehow. Personally, I wouldn’t’ve survived without the steady support of my closest friend and confidant: BEER. And it’s gonna take a well-stocked beer fridge to get me through another election season, so please know all donations (we take PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App!) are always appreciated. Don’t forget to join the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter! Stay safe out there, chums!
Wow, Santa's Not Fucking Around With That Naughty List This Year (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, having arrived at the “Jimmy Comer is hiding under the bed from Steve Doocy because he can’t take the heat on Fox n’ Fiendz” stage of the shampeachment charade, House Republicans figured the time was ripe to link arms and follow Kentucky’s kookiest kakistocrat off the kliff. Er, “cliff,” rather.
(As ever, this shit makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/wow-santas-not-fucking-around-with-that-naughty-list-this-year/)
Yes, even Ken Buck, author of such brave n’ principled op-eds as “My fellow Republicans: One disgraceful impeachment doesn’t deserve another,” and “When I said an election denier shouldn’t be Speaker of the House, obviously that only applied to election deniers who don’t wear jackets. And used to coach wrestling. And bellow indignantly about other folks’ subpoenas after defying their own.”
And sure, Chuck Grassley admits there’s “no evidence” of wrongdoing on President Biden’s part, but that hardly matters, since the House majority feels no particular obligation to name the alleged crimes they’re investigating. Anyway, as Troy Nehls reminds us, a Republican Congressman is first and foremost a low-level Trump campaign staffer, and that organization is not exactly world-renowned for its exacting standards.
Shoot, they’ll draft any defective dumbass disposed to defend a declining dotard’s dreams of dictatorship. Even so, when it comes autocrat ass-kissing, you have to get up pretty early to beat JD Vance to the front of the line.
Dissent remains verboten, of course. Ohio Republicans fear their preferred candidate in the crucial 9th congressional district, Craig Riedel, can no longer win his primary against pudding-brained valor thief J.R. Majewski, who famously painted a racist game show host on his lawn, now that voters know Craig once referred to said game show host as “arrogant.” It’s totally not a cult, though.
Incidentally, it’s delightful to see Jack Smith so prepared for Off-Brand Orbán’s bullshit legal stall tactics. Had allllllll the paperwork for that expedited presidential immunity appeal ready t’go, didn’t he? “Oh, um, actually, we were hoping you‘d give our extremely serious, totally vindicating appeal a real thorough going-over before exonerating our client. Take all the time you need. Till, say, next November?”
Iowa Republicans scrambled to begin construction of a wall along the state’s southern border, desperate to stave off the caravan of book-burning Florida retirees that launched at the invitation of one Casey DeSantis, who correctly surmised her husband can only hope to prevail in next month’s caucuses if there’s nobody at the door checking IDs.
In clear violation of the constitutional prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment, CNN hosted a town hall with shrieking fascist dorkwad Vivek Ramaswamy, likely as a mad science experiment designed to observe the effects of the batshittiest January 6th conspiracy theories when delivered by the most irritating man alive.
Ramaswamy’s been palling around Iowa with Steve “Too Racist for the Trump-Era GOP” King, by the way, and I certainly advise all Haley precinct captains to update their rabies vaccine before approaching any hissing Vivek unviables on caucus night.
It’s hard to believe that before Donald Trump came along, a sex scandal involving a credible rape allegation was enough to end one’s career in Republican politics; nowadays, young MAGA apparatchiks understand YOU GOT TO MONETIZE THAT SHIT. And I know that $2 million sounds like a lot to make the Florida GOP’s Christian Ziegler problem go away, but remember, it’s gotta be split three ways ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
In the waning days of the Fall of the Turd Reich, seems a binder filled with “highly classified information related to Russian election interference” went missing, smuggled, perhaps, out of the White House up Mark Meadows’ cavernous ass, alongside Kim Jong-un’s love notes and Donnie One-Term’s favorite Churchill bust.
(While we’re on the subject, somebody probably better frisk our ol’ pal Willard on his way out of the Senate, lest we lose track of those binders full o’ women.)
This holiday season, launch a surprise counteroffensive in the War on Xmas with the Mugshot Suit Trading Card! For just four thousand, six hundred American dollars, you can own a tiny chunk of the ill-fitting, ketchup-spattered suit Tangerine Idi Amin wore to his arrest at the Fulton County Jail, the perfect gift for any MAGA rube in your life who somehow hasn’t yet overdosed on ivermectin.
Paul Ryan derided Fat Q*bert as “an authoritarian narcissist” and “not a conservative” who “couldn’t even steal health care from millions of Americans with control of both houses of Congress” who Ryan “will of course vote for in 2024” because “what do you expect from me, courage? Principles? I’m Paul freakin’ Ryan for pity’s sake!”
Rudy Giuliani stepped up lobbying efforts to bring his character back in any forthcoming Borat sequels, now that his $148 million defamation bill finally arrived in the mail. Hey, if that doesn’t work out, I hear Four Seasons Total Landscaping is hiring.
Hmmm…Ted Cruz seems curiously reticent to claim credit for the world he worked so hard to build, where his constituents have to flee their home state to exercise their fundamental human rights, wonder what that’s about?
All of Elon Musk’s troubles’re over, now that he’s not only restored Alex Jones’ Xwitter account, but appointed him head of quality control at Tesla. They’ve recalled nearly two million cars to install a new and improved autopilot feature, which neatly deposits you right on the doorstep of the nearest grieving Sandy Hook family, leaving you free to rehearse your diatribe about false flags and crisis actors!
I beg your forgiveness if the tear streaks rendered this week’s blog difficult to read; like so many of you, I was simply overwhelmed by the exquisite contrition expressed in the apology notes composed by confessed seditionists Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro. If I may be so bold, allow me to suggest that appointing Powell poet laureate could be precisely the sort of unifying gesture needed to heal this divided nation’s broken soul.
Ok, folks, I think we’ve all earned a holiday break. Heads up, there will be NO BLOG next week, but if you want to leave beer n’ cookies out for Santa Cap, you can donate at this link, now accepting PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App! https://showercapblog.com/buy-cap-beer/
Or you can support th’madness for free, by signing up on the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known As Twitter.
Oh, and if you see somebody drunkenly stumbling through your neighborhood, wailing “HE’S WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE,” don’t worry, that’s just Megyn Kelly, the van’ll be by in a minute to pick her up.
Keville Chamberlain's Last Surrender (Ferret!)
I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line at the grocery store trying to use expired coupons.
(Can’t imagine it makes much sense without the links: https://showercapblog.com/keville-chamberlains-last-surrender/)
On the other hand, I suspect supreme executive power may bear more than a passing resemblance to Lay’s famous potato chips, so perhaps a teensy-weensy bit of despotism may spill over into the Wednesday after the inauguration, if only to give Kash Patel and JD Vance sufficient time to round up all the journalists they hope to jail.
Yes, the gag order’ll be on the other foot (mouth?) should Off-Brand Orbán return to the Oval, and so his cut-rate, strip mall attorneys tirelessly pursue stall tactics designed to delay his many trials until after the election, (in fairness, proving their client’s innocence isn’t really on the table) when Attorney General Jeffrey Clark puts an end to that “rule of law” silliness once and for all.
Well, the curtain finally fell on the community theatre adaption of Faust For Dummies that was Kevin McCarthy’s career in electoral politics. I found it surprisingly difficult to sum up his legacy for this post…perhaps such words can only be smeared, in feces and clown makeup, on the walls of some tacky golf resort men’s room. One of the very worst Americans of all time.
Kev’s successor, Bartonite mediocrity Mike Johnson, proclaimed himself MAGA Moses, because apparently, the showrunners figured a lil’ messianic delusion might spice up the otherwise stodgy presidential line of succession. And while some may balk at Speaker Mike’s hubristic sacrilege, the truly devout can no doubt recite Exodus 69:17-23 by heart:
So the Lord said to Moses, “When thou dost release thy security footage unto thy friendly media outlets, blur thou thy people’s faces, that they might escape accountability for assaulting police officers on behalf of thy most holy Game Show Host.”
George Santos didn’t waste any time, did he? Little shit must’ve been setting up that Cameo account during his expulsion vote, no doubt reasoning the government won’t be able to repossess any assets he successfully converts to Botox injections before the cops show up. John Fetterman happily launched this uncharacteristically legitimate phase of his former colleague’s career, recruiting Santos to troll Democrats’ own cartoonishly corrupt embarrassment.
(Should Bob Menendez wish to engage George for a clapback, I’m sure he’s more than willing to accept payment in illicitly obtained precious metals.)
I’ll gently suggest that the after-the-buzzer extension of Republican primary debate season lends credence to the once derided theory that we live in actual Hell. Judging by the brief resurgence of social media posts about Vivek Ramaswamy’s burst-hemorrhoid-like personality, they must’ve held another one this week. Why? I could not hope to tell you.
Viewership was way down, likely owing to the absence of Doug Burgum’s smoldering star power, or perhaps because Which of These Asshats Concedes Last? isn’t a particularly compelling question. Incidentally, you might want to check your junk folder, you may’ve been appointed chair of Ron DeSantis’ super PAC without even knowing it.
I know this’ll sound hard to believe, but apparently, preening congressional weathervane Nancy Mace runs something of a “toxic work environment.” I find myself torn between my instinctual libtard impulse to defend labor rights, and my equally fervent belief that any obstacle to the work conducted in House Republican offices ought to be encouraged as a matter of principle. Still, rise up, comrades, and seize the means of (popcorn) production!
Well, the U.S. military finally emerged victorious from the longest, most irritating battle of its 250-year history, as the commander of Fort Tuberville surrendered at long last, releasing his pigheaded holds on promotions, except for a handful he insists on maintaining for pure spite. Hopefully now we can get back to ignoring America’s dumbest Senator, at least until the next time he defends white nationalists, or joins a coup attempt.
The Comeuppance Fairy visited Wisconsin and Nevada this week, bearing legal consequences and burlap underwear for the very, very naughty fake elector children who plotted the overthrow of American democracy. GOOD.
Now, your average, run-of-the-mill, patriarchal police state would call it a day after forcing a woman to submit to the Kafkaesque nightmare of begging the courts for the brief window of bodily autonomy required to terminate a non-viable pregnancy that threatens her health and fertility, but in Ken Paxton’s Texas, they go the extra mile, threatening with prosecution any doctors or hospitals thinking about actually granting the woman her basic human rights.
Meanwhile, the Texas GOP’s Executive Committee removed a clause reading “the Republican Party of Texas have no association whatsoever with any individual or organization that is known to espouse anti-Semitism, pro-Nazi sympathies, or Holocaust denial” from an otherwise unanimously-passed resolution, because hey, there’s no need to antagonize the base.
For too many years, the scourge of communist garlic has plagued our great nation, indoctrinating our children one Olive Garden breadstick at a time, until one brave Medicare fraudster stood up and said NO MORE! God bless you, Rick Scott, for fighting the fights that matter most.
Elsewhere in Florida, it’s delightful to see the Zieglers refusing to go quietly in the wake of their hyper-hypocritical sex scandal/rape investigation. Christian contends it’s unfair to punish them while maintaining total, unquestioning fealty to a guy who’s been found legally liable for sexual assault, and, well, it’s pretty fuckin’ hard to argue otherwise, isn’t it?
International crime lord Joseph Robinette Biden Jr’s weaponized Department of Justice indicted Hunter Biden on nine new tax-related charges, as part of an elaborate scheme to use the 2018 repayment of a $4,000 truck loan to make House Oversight Chairdork James Comer look like a gibbering fuckwit in 2023.
It worked, too.
…all while delivering yet another absolute banger of a jobs report, incidentally. BRANDONOMICS, BAY-BEE!
Anyone looking to further stimulate America’s booming economy can do so at this link; and don’t worry, I promise to spend all donations on beer. You can also support the blog by joining the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Either way, you stay safe out there, chum…
Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My! (Ferret)
Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod Save America t-shirts raving “TELL HILLARY TO SHORE UP THE BLUE WALL!”
(Can’t imagine it makes much sense without th’links: https://showercapblog.com/vape-pens-poop-maps-pie-oh-my/)
Well, over the objections of House Republican leadership, His Royal Highness Count George Santos VIII was finally forcibly ushered into the reality television show contestant phase of his life, ahead of what’s expected to be a lucrative cigarette smuggling period in federal prison.
112 Republicans voted to keep Georgie (and his vote) around, worried that establishing a precedent whereby excessive criminality disqualifies one from public office would reduce their party to Mitt Romney’s car elevator steward and perhaps a Sununu or two.
It’s a reasonable concern, given that Students for Trump founder Ryan Fournier got arrested for pistol-whipping his girlfriend, and two county-level Arizona Republican officials were charged with election interference felonies, and they’re still finding more Capitol rioters to arrest, and oh yeah, don’t forget Florida GOP Chair Christian Ziegler, I think he deserves a whole new paragraph, don’t you?
Christian, you see, finds himself under investigation. For sexual battery. Of a woman who “had been involved in a longstanding consensual three-way sexual relationship” with Ziegler and his wife, Bridget. Why yes, the very same Bridget Ziegler who co-founded the anti-LGBTQ hate group Moms for Liberty, funny you should mention it. But surely it was some other Bridget Ziegler, one who wasn’t having sex with a woman, who campaigned so vigorously for Florida’s odious “Don’t Say Gay” legislation…surely.
Anyway, I don’t anticipate anyone hanging a “no crooks allowed” sign on the Republican treehouse anytime soon. Which is good news for anybody who’s been, say, found liable for fraud and sexual assault, but still wants a major political party’s presidential nomination.
Indeed, ranting like Hitler and terrorizing judges’ wives only further endears Off-Brand Orbán to his increasingly deranged followers. They went wild when he reminded them of his intention to repeal the ACA, because ultimately, health care only delays the faithful’s ascent to that great Trump Hotel in the sky, where every man is assigned 72 piss hookers and a golden toilet of his very own.
Outside of provoking the odd death threat, Donnie Dotard’s life remains largely a parade of legal setbacks: gag orders, collapsing defenses, stuff like that. So I understand the need to celebrate every W, however meager, I truly do…but I guess what I’m asking is, how many victory laps can one man take for passing a cognitive test? Even if it is, objectively, one of the top ten achievements of his life, only slightly behind attaining the American presidency, but significantly ahead of fathering Eric?
Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.
On the other hand, Ronnie DiSappointus may’ve finally righted the ship with…OPERATION: POOP MAP. In these tumultuous times, the American public wants that 3 AM phone call taken by a dude who carries a poop map with him at all times, just in case it turns out t’be somebody calling the White House to ask “say, where can I get some poop?”
Not even Rich Lowry is surprised anymore that this goon can’t navigate a masturbatory, 90-minute vanity debate on Fox without beclowning himself. Even with Hannity lobbing softball after softball, ignoring the taxpayer-funded, six-figure, do-nothing contracts for cronies, and the corpses piling up in the hallway outside the Governor’s office, Ron-Ron’s bat somehow unerringly found his own groin with every swing.
‘Twould appear Tommy Tuberville’s one-doofus war on military readiness is drawing to its close, almost certainly because Joni Ernst keeps DMing him hog castration videos. Coach Pencildick claims he’ll focus going forward on screening out just the “woke” officers, to be determined by conducting home and office raids in search of books of poetry.
Speaking of senatorial dumbasses, Mike Lee apparently believes the FBI issues badges in vape pen form nowadays, so dastardly deep state false flaggers can enjoy a lil’ mango-flavored nicotine infusion whilst entrapping Proud Boys, I guess.
James Comer recognized Hunter Biden’s offer to testify publicly before his committee as a trap, telling Newsmax, “the Biden crime family knows I am completely incapable of getting through a hearing without gaveling my own ballsack flat, and anyway, I’d much rather redact all the parts where Dan Goldman humiliates me.”
Sorry, haters, Elon Musk is thoroughly enjoying his doltpilled descent into anti-Semitism, and no amount of lost advertising revenue can “blackmail” him back to reality or decency. I see he finally found his way to pizzagate, so expect him to buy Comet Ping Pong in order to dig out that stubbornly nonexistent basement and stage a mad, manic SEE?!?!? media event with Greenwald and Taibbi.
Fox Nooz got all excited because they thought they had a Thanksgiving terrorist bombing to blame on Joe Biden, but Kurt Villani went and ruined it by turning out to be a regular guy having a dumb ol’ car accident. Still, they were ultimately able to give thanks, for an audience that will go right on blindly trusting them, even after they got caught in yet another reckless lie.
My own Thanksgiving was lovely, incidentally, filled with traditional liberal America-despising rituals: we crucified a gas stove, and then we hated a pie for a couple hours.
I guess Liz Cheney wrote a whole book about the fascism-enabling cravenness of her former Republican colleagues. A fertile field, certainly. Seems Kevin McCarthy sold American democracy out because the guy who tried to end it forever…wasn’t eating. Aw. Poor tyrant. Had to leave office just because the people voted him out. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
Quivering with carnal rage, Jesse Watters denounced Joe Biden’s lewd, lascivious, straw-sucking milkshake consumption. “The way a man’s lips purse, the way your fingers clasp on it,” Watters trembled, “WHY DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL SUCH PLEASURE AND SUCH PAIN?!?” In six weeks or so, when they discover Jesse in front of the scrotum-tanning machine, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, with paper drinking straws clamped to his nipples, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
By the way, I’m in the market for a medium, to put me in contact with the spirits of John Frankenheimer and Luis Buñuel, ideally at the same time, because the world deserves a film based on the “In the world of sexual fetishes, crossing the political aisle is a kink” article in WaPo this week.
Oh, and Georgia GOP district chair Kandiss Taylor still thinks globes are a conspiracy to trick you into thinking the world is round, if you were wondering. Even if you weren’t.
Sigh…gotta admit, I already miss George Santos. I hope the promised revenge tour materializes.
If not, I suppose I shall have to console myself with beer. As ever, you can support this blog by donating to the beer fund, (now accepting PayPal and Venmo!) by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. One way or another, please stay safe out there amidst the shitstorm, friend.
Ghost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again
Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here?
(As ever, links aplenty await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/ghost-buses-and-kidney-punches-america-is-finally-great-again/)
Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House,” well, I confess I don’t want my entire existence to be crushed. I don’t want any of my existence to be crushed, honestly…except maybe those pesky love handles that always manifest around the holidays, amirite?
I dunno, maybe it’s these plans I keep reading about, to construct Stephen Miller’s Barbie Dream Concentration Camps, or amass an army of 54,000 goose-stepping Constitution-shredders to staff the federal government, but it definitely feels a little fashy in here. Maybe I should put on a sweater.
With the apparatchiks tending to the burdensome details of dismantling democracy, Off-Brand Orbán’s days are free for recreational activities, such as golf, and stochastic terrorism. Indeed, Wee Don asked MAGA Claus for a long list of assassinations, excuse me, “citizen’s arrests” this year, and he’s adding to it all the time.
For example, I’m still not sure what Judge Engoron’s clerk did to land her recurring role in the Two Minutes Hate, (presumably she’s been mouthing “Ivanka will never fuck you” throughout the proceedings) but the Dotard sure is trying real, real hard to set her up with Cult45’s next aspiring hammer-wielding psycho, whoever that may be.
As you’ve probably noticed, alongside all this authoritarianism and political violence, anti-Semitism is on the rise, which is surely one of those zany, one-in-a-million coincidences. I wouldn’t worry about it. Why, who can forget Donald’s heartwarming Rosh Hashanah message just two short months ago?
Ben Shapiro was shocked, shocked to hear anti-Israel sentiments expressed by Candace “Hitler got a bad rap” Owens. Nobody tell Ben how his buddies Tucker Carlson and Charlie Kirk’ve been talking; it’s best he remains as ignorant of the true intentions of the movement he’s enabled as he is of rudimentary reproductive biology.
Meanwhile, advertisers seem curiously underappreciative of Elon Musk’s bigot-amplifying strategy, either because of the nefarious manipulations of the Anti-Defamation League and their eeeeeeeeeeevil allies at Media Matters, or because they’re simply not geniusy enough to see the profit potential in associating their brands with pro-Nazi content.
Mere weeks after his feral caucus devoured his predecessor for passing a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, soon-to-be-former Speaker Mike Johnson passed a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, so I guess the intervening pandemonium served no function beyond destroying Kevin McCarthy’s career in excruciatingly humiliating fashion, which…I’m completely okay with, actually.
Reactions varied, however. Chip Roy, for example, pitched another of his famous C-SPAN shitfits. “We’re somehow even dumber and less competent without Louie Gohmert!” bellowed the Chipster, “HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?”
Anyway, since the whole “governing” thing hasn’t worked out, congressional Republicans have fallen back on the one thing the modern American Right does genuinely well: violence.
McCarthy (allegedly) revenged his un-Speakering upon an unsuspecting Tim Burchett’s kidneys, in a Capitol hallway, in front of reporters, showing off those next-level people skillz that made his brief tenure atop the House so famously productive.
(According to Adam Kinzinger, Kevin’s been deploying these plausibly deniable drive-by body check tactics for some time now, which I bet surprises you a whole lot.)
Even more masculine n’ impressive was Oklahoma Senator/emotionally-stunted manchild Markwayne Mullin, who tried to start a fistfight during a Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee hearing. Immediately following his juvenile outburst, Markwayne embarked upon the traditional wingnut media tour, blustering on about how much he can bench press until he tuckered himself out, demanded a juice box, and curled up in the fetal position for an overdue nap.
In contrast with Mullin’s mega-manly manfulness, beta cuck James Comer could only feebly stammer “Y-yeah, well you’re a S-S-Smurf" when Democrat Jared Moskowitz mocked his rank hypocrisy. Little twerp can’t even do toxic masculinity right.
It was at this point, right when you figured Republicans had finally reached rock bottom, dignity-wise, that Clay Higgins began ranting about “ghost buses,” alleging an FBI plot to convey legions of antifa false flaggers to the Capitol riot via automotive apparitions. Because he is insane, and very, very, very stupid.
Shit, the week saw so much congressional cray-cray, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn’t break through to the front page, and she not only had one of her trademark “lookit how dumb Marj is” exchanges with FBI Director Wray, but also threatened a Cabinet secretary after failing to impeach him. The Republican lunacy market is actually tremendously competitive.
Well, I hope you’re happy, you puritanical scolds, all your prudish fussing about “ethics” and “campaign finance violations” finally drove George Santos out of public service! Sure, he’s broken more laws than any three Mafia families, but honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if more Republican donor money got funneled to Botox and OnlyFans rather than filling the courts with Federalist Society weirdos?
Having proved the doubters wrong by showing the world his surprisingly real, non-Canadian girlfriend, Tim Scott suspended his significantly less real presidential campaign, which no one will remember by this time next month.
While Tim is out, the QAnon Shaman is in, announcing a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, on a platform of Better Chow For Incarcerated Terrorists, setting up a potential debate with Blake Masters, which would surely be held in one of those evangelical church’s hell houses.
Speaking of Arizona, apparently Kari Lake’s tackin’ towards the center in her Senate run…or trying to, anyhow. What does “moderate” Kari Lake even look like? “Oh, Joe Biden didn’t steal the election, he just borrowed it, and forgot about it in the back of the garage.”
Look, I’m not about to welcome Jenna Ellis to the Resistance or anything, but if she wants to keep puking up bile all over the Trump clan’s shoes, I certainly won’t stand in her way. If she keeps testifying about Turd Reich officials saying shit like “The boss is not going to leave under any circumstances…we are just going to stay in power,” I suppose she can come to ONE party. And maybe even help herself to the vegetable tray, but the cheese plate is for people who understood overturning elections was wrong without getting indicted.
Devin Nunes has somehow managed to steer ivermectin influencer safe space Truth Social to $31 million in losses, an unanticipated setback for an accomplished leader who rose to prominence by losing a fight to an imaginary internet cow.
Seems there’s a “fresh” new influencer keeping it “lit” on TikTok: Osama bin Laden! All the kewl kids agree, Osama’s Letter to America is “fire” and they’d totes invite him over to “Netflix and chill” any day, because radical Islamic terror “slaps!”
The latest pocket of American Christofascism popped up Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where they actually made it illegal to be homosexual in public, another example of the laboratories of kakistocracy testing the limits of the 6-3 theocrat SCOTUS majority. Anyway, Murfreesboro is now considered a strong frontrunner to host the RNC, CPAC, and several Republican Senators’ granddaughters’ cotillions.
Incidentally, following a cascade of scandals, the Supreme Court issued a toothless, perfunctory ethics code, which stipulates Clarence Thomas must financially reimburse Harlan Crow for any human beings he hunts for sport in Harlan’s creepy dictator sculpture garden.
Checking in on the War on Xmas, news from the front is mostly positive, as Operation: Jade Helm, But With Gay Nutcrackers appears to have caught the enemy completely off guard.
Meanwhile, Smilin’ Joe Biden called Xi Jinping a dictator, revealed he forgot his own wife’s birthday, and still got him to cough up a fresh round of pandas. Superpower shit, muthafuckaaaaaas!
Heads up, there will be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, as I will be observing the holiday, by giving thanks for the rare opportunity to spend a few days without pouring MAGA poison into my brain. I will also give thanks for everyone who joins the email list at showercapblog.com or follows @john_luzar at the Bad Place, and especially to everyone who donates to the Beer Fund, temporarily reimagined as the Beer and Pie Fund.
So, until we meet again in December, you stay safe out there, friend. Holiday travel can be perilous; you never know when you might find yourself trapped on a airplane with a barefoot anti-vaxxer.
Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best (Ferret)
Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history.
(U know u want links n’ shininess: https://showercapblog.com/election-day-is-when-maga-does-what-they-do-best/)
In lieu of a policy platform, the Dotard ‘24 campaign has been working up a list of revenge targets for his weaponized DoJ to persecute, including, but hardly limited to: Mark Milley, John Kelly, whoever cut him out of Home Alone 2 in Canada, Bill Barr, Ty Cobb, and every single person who beheld photographic evidence of his poorly attended inauguration. Curiously absent from this enemies list are those most deserving of retaliation: his tailor and his barber.
Seems Off-Brand Orbán spends most of his time these days either fondly reminiscing upon past abuses of power or fantasizing about abuses of power yet to come. No wonder he can’t endure ten minutes in the harsh reality of Judge Engoron’s courtroom without melting down like a prep school kid who just found out he has to rewrite a paper he got caught plagiarizing.
Other plans for a restored Turd Reich include invoking the Insurrection Act against dissenting protesters, and replacing the nixed Harriet Tubman $20 bill with currency bearing the warped rictus of Libs of TikTok’s Chaya Raichik posing with the USA Today headline about all the bomb threats she inspires.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson will be Vice President, because I guess we’re skipping the boring parts of the Book of Revelation.
The self-proclaimed Party of Losers LARPed another “presidential debate,” because it’s not like Chris Christie has anywhere else to be. The closest thing to actual news generated by this pointless pomposity pageant was the shocking revelation that Tim Scott’s Canadian girlfriend actually exists. Otherwise, Nikki Haley called Vivek Ramaswamy a “turd-gargling taint blister,” earning the rare “Geppetto checkmark” from Washington Post fact-checkers, and the fast fading Ron DeSantis once again came up short in his pursuit of the ever-elusive human smile.
I guess as long as Asa Hutchinson can escape campaign events with his life, he’s technically still running, too. And if any self-loathing political junkie honestly wants to click on a headline like “Burgum pens op-ed to defend his continued candidacy,” well, who am I to stand in their way?
…but the primary’s over, folks.
Well, House Republicans had barely a week to enjoy that new Speaker smell before they drove the government right back into their favorite ditch, pulling two spending bills at the last minute as a shutdown looms.
Of course, it hardly helps that Mike Johnson’s attention has been split between governing the nation and monitoring his son’s pornography intake with an app, which you’ll agree is an exceptionally normal thing to do.
One shudders contemplating the Johnson family porn search history. Puritans self-flagellating while dry-humping dinosaurs atop smallpox blankets on the deck of Noah’s Ark, that sort of thing.
Apparently, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s been tromping around the Capitol in a snit, screaming LAUREN BOEBERT IS A WHOOOOOOOOOORE at anyone who happens by, because her colleagues coalesced around a rival motion to censure Rashida Tlaib. Wow. Who would’ve imagined the woman who thought wildfires were caused by immense, Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space would turn out to be so emotionally unstable?
Turns out Imperial Impeachment Inquisitor James Comer’s own “shady business practices” are indistinguishable from the notorious Biden family crime syndicate’s, right down to the specific dollar amounts of the so-called “loans” to alleged “brothers.” Luckily for Jimmy, it’s a post-shame party/cult that’s enabled his ascent, so he’s still free to pester the families of Hamas’ victims while the House GOP moves their hearings behind closed doors to shield themselves from further public humiliation.
Wyoming Congressdolt Harriet Hageman went on Newsmax to claim pro-Palestine protests are a plot backed by all-purpose bogeyman George Soros, because God really enjoys making liberals say “I sure do miss having Liz Cheney in Congress!”
Speaking of the telltale intellect of the bigot, Indianapolis’ Ruba Almaghtheh accidentally perpetrated a terrorist attack on fellow anti-Semites because she was too fucking stupid and lazy to do a quick google search before driving her car into a building she believed to be a Jewish school.
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
Domestic terrorists can rest easy knowing they’ve got a friend in the United States Congress. Yes, gun violence truther/coronavirus magnet Clay Higgins penned a letter vouching for the “good character, faith, and core principles” of crowbar-wielding Capitol rioter Ryan Nichols, whose hobbies include talking about himself in the third person and assaulting police officers with chemical spray. Well, if anyone exemplifies “good character,” it’s Clay.
Hoping to claw back some of the money they lost on a book targeted at rage-addled illiterates, Mark Meadows’ publisher is suing him for, and make sure you’re near a fainting couch, lying about the 2020 election. Similar lawsuits are expected from the producer of John Eastman’s autobiographical rock opera, and the fiddler from freak-folk four-piece Sidney Powell and the Big Lie.
Apparently, Peter Thiel won’t be financing 2024’s crop of Herschel Walkers and Blake Masterses, because he’s planning on converting all his wealth into quarters, building a giant pyramid out of them, and having himself cryogenically frozen inside. Unless he figures out how to turn himself into an elf first. A Tolkein elf, not a Keebler one. I think. Either way, I hope you’ve still got free articles left at The Atlantic this month, because Pete is 31 flavors of cray-cray, and this profile is fuckin’ wiiiiiiiiiiiiiild.
Good news for insufferable fake progressives who prioritize self-aggrandizing social media posturing over actual human suffering: Jill Stein’s back! 2016 Stein voters still get annual thank-you cards from Syrian Kurds, I’m told.
ANYWAY
Given the fuckery n’ madness documented in the preceding paragraphs, (and indeed in the preceding six and a half years of this blog) it brings me great pleasure to report that the Coalition of the Decent unleashed yet another can of electoral whoop-ass on MAGA nation, leaving Republicans scrambling to understand why voters yet again rejected their proffered shit sandwich.
I, for one, would like to thank THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT for our victories Tuesday. Couldn’t’ve done it withoutcha, abortion army.
Yes, Team Democracy is Good, Actually (Also We Are Not Maniacs) notched wins all over the place, from the Kentucky governorship to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court to the New Jersey legislature. Don’t forget the abortion rights ballot measure in Ohio, though of course Republicans have not yet abandoned hope of concocting some trickery or other to nullify the electorate’s clearly expressed will.
Oh, and we flipped the Virginia state House and held the Senate. Glenn Youngkin turned out to be one of those overrated prospects who ultimately couldn’t handle big league pitching, but at least he’ll have all those sad, desperate Glenn Will Surely Save Us thinkpieces to keep him warm through the lame duck years.
And, as everyone knows, every time a wingnut loses an election, an angel gets a donut, but when a community rejects a Moms For Liberty school board candidate, it’s a maple-glazed long john with a big ol’ slab of bacon on top. I figure it’s probably best if folks who call the cops on librarians aren’t consulted on what our children are taught. Plus, it’s okay, angels don’t have arteries to harden.
Well now I want a donut. And a beer. If you’re interested in supporting my super-healthy lifestyle, I take Venmo and PayPal now. Plus, I’d love t’see you on the email list at showercapblog.com, or on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, my friend.
Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs (Ferret)
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
(As ever, links n’ shininess await those who click here: https://showercapblog.com/joni-hates-tommy-and-other-underappreciated-happy-days-spinoffs/)
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Mike also hired Fox’s Big Lie fall guy, Raj Shah, to run caucus comms, because no one who hadn’t cost their previous employer $787 million applied for the gig, I guess.
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855.
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look.
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found "culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don't even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
Good lord.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best. (As always, if you’d like to support the blog, you can sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or pitch in for a brew or two if you’re so inclined.)
Congratulations to Mike Johnson, America's 56th and Creepiest House Speaker! (Ferret)
Apparently, there’s a manifestly unwell man in an ill-fitting suit wandering into and periodically storming out of New York City courtrooms, shitting himself and screeching threats at judges and prosecutors, who, I am told, is the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
(As ever, nooz links aplenty await those who click here: https://showercapblog.com/congratulations-to-mike-johnson-americas-56th-and-creepiest-house-speaker-2/)
Honestly, I wonder if he isn’t overstimulating his little death cult with so many targets; these are not people with the mental capacity to multitask. “Should I go after Judge Engoron, or his clerk? Mark Meadows has been granted immunity, but now I see Ivanka’s testifying, too. And what about ‘Maggot Hagerman?’ A nail gun’s only got so many nails, y’know.”
Ah well. Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, wannabe autocrats gotta feed perceived enemies to the stochastic murder mob. With the gag order violation fines piling up so quickly, I hope the rubes’re ready to pony up for another round of NFTs, or perhaps a line of commemorative handcuffs.
When he’s not trying to get witnesses or members of the legal profession killed, Inmate P01135809 stays busy working up plans to pull out of NATO, (“Hungary, Turkey, who can keep ‘em straight?”) and blabbing our national secrets to every foreign billionaire who pays the Marm-a-Lago membership fee. If there ever was anything worth hiding in Area 51, it’s surely been dismembered with Saudi bone saws by now.
Anyway, I know I’ve been pretty hard on ol’ Donnie Dotard over the years, but now that I’ve had time to ruminate upon his revolutionary insight into the spelling of the word “us,” I confess I’m giving him another look. Maybe he’s the very stable genius America needs right now; this one time, he correctly identified a picture of a horsie.
Fani Willis’ collection of “21st century American traitors pleading guilty” Hummel figurines is coming along nicely, and I think the Sobbing Jenna Ellis looks just charming next to the De-Krakenized Sidney Powell and the Boy Howdy Did I Ever Fuck Up Kenneth Chesebro. Shoot, if the rumors are true, she’ll need a whole dedicated shelf soon.
Chaos in the House of Representatives escalated to the point where Republicans briefly elevated jug-band frontmuppet Emmet Otter to the post of Speaker-Designate, before…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…wait, what? What’s a “Tom Emmer?”
Never mind, doesn’t matter now, since, as Tim discovered, there’s nothing wingnuts enjoy more than overturning an election they lost. Proclaimed insufficiently disloyal to the U.S. Constitution and dubbed a “globalist RINO” by Off-Brand Orbán, he was swiftly sent packing to whatever sad, jug-bandless existence he previously led.
And thus concluded the Last Ride of the Moderates, as Ken Buck and co. decided that sticking to their stated principles for more than a week would be far too exhausting, so if anybody could dig up an insurrectionist who adhered to a more traditional dress code than Gym Jordan, they’d happily return to their natural, capitulatory state.
As if on cue, something called “Mike Johnson” emerged from the tank in the back of the meth lab lab where Matt Gaetz takes teenagers on dates. Cloned from crusty genetic material scraped off the manikin dressed like Ronald Reagan in Mike Pence’s basement, Johnson is the skeeviest little would-be theocrat you’ve never heard of.
An acolyte of faux historian David Barton, Mike’s one of those “bad things happen because God punishes people for disagreeing with me” types, who wants to criminalize gay sex and abortion, and espouses a diet, caffeine-free version of the Great Replacement Theory. Oh, and he was a leader of the conspiracy to end American democracy forever, almost forgot.
But since he doesn’t fling poo at the walls during hearings, the Buck/Bacon crowd imagines they can pass Johnson off as some kind of statesman. Good luck with that. You can shout down reporters asking inconvenient questions, but it won’t be long before your swing district incumbents have second thoughts about rallying behind an opposition researcher’s wettest possible dream.
Still, America’ll be great again in no time with Mike in charge, with birthing vessels churnin’ out more than enough “able-bodied workers” to keep entitlement programs funded for years to come.
Baffling experts, somehow Sean Hannity’s extensive MMA training wasn’t enough to thwart the latest mass shooter’s murderous rampage, but I bet our shiny new Speaker’s prayers (and I found it refreshingly clarifying that Johnson didn’t bother to offer any “thoughts”) cleared the whole gun violence thing up once and for all.
Gotta get me one of them “Supreme Court Justice” gigs, cuz Clarence Thomas’ life looks pretty fuckin’ sweet, doesn’t it? Part-time job stripping women of their fundamental human rights, gets to spend the rest of his time just strolling around, pointing at stuff he wants his various billionaire sugar daddies to buy for him.
“I want an RV, Daddy!” And lo and behold, an RV appears in the driveway. My belief is that sending the entire Republican SCOTUS majority on a field trip to the Wonka factory would brighten the nation’s outlook considerably.
Blake Masters announced a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, cheating America of the sublime obscenity of a primary face-off with Kari Lake. I’m beyond disappointed. Those debates would’ve been like outtakes from a Ken Russell movie. Set in a circus. Where the clowns like to throw up on one another. During sex acts.
Hard to tell if Elon’s more upset about his $44 billion toy’s plummeting usage metrics, or that statue of seditious loser Robert E. Lee getting melted down. I suppose we’d have to ask his new, teenaged, anti-Semitic BFF.
And Michigan state Rep. Rachelle Smit handed out participation trophies to a couple of shitbags from that plot to kidnap Governor Whitmer, in case anyone’s worried we aren’t normalizing domestic terrorism fast enough.
Well, I’m gonna grab a beer and sift through the rest of the Mike Johnson oppo dump. Gonna take at least a twelve-pack, I figure, so all beer donations are welcome. You can also support th’blog by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. And by staying safe out there in our mad, mad, mad, mad world. See you next week, friend.
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