TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalFrom Brian Kemp to Chainsaw Racist, Our Cup (Of Buttholes) Runneth Over (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I worry that I wasted a lot of hyperbole screaming about how insane things were back in the days of soundproof wank booths and botched Easter Egg Rolls, and that I’ll run out of language now that we’re battling a global crisis hydra. Next week, when the birds begin their Hitchcockian assault on humanity, there won’t be any words left, and this blog will simply be onomatopoeic grunts.
(If you want this post with all the links, click here, dear reader: http://showercapblog.com/from-brian-kemp-to-chainsaw-racist-our-cup-of-buttholes-runneth-over/)
Congratulations to any statue-collecting fish dwelling in the River Avon, you hit the motherfucking jackpot this week when protesters dumped the statue of notorious slaver Nice Try, Your Shitty Name Isn’t Getting Into My Blog, just the first of many monuments to white supremacists consigned to the dustbin of history this week, both literally and figuratively. Bye, asshole statues!
Angela Merkel didn’t “like” a social media post he made about how antifa ruined McDonald’s fries or something similarly batshit, so Weehands McNodick suddenly decided to pull about 1/3rd of our troops out of Germany, just the latest demonstration that the Trump Doctrine, to the extent that it exists, is largely hissy-fit-based. “I’m so mad I better give Putin something else he wants! MEADOWS! A fresh diaper, on the double!”
So, those jobs numbers Shart Garfunkel heralded last week apparently weren’t nearly as rosy as initially presented, because “some people were mistakenly characterized as employed rather than unemployed.” Now, all of this is miles over my head, but isn’t sorting the employed from the unemployed the entire fucking point of the jobs report? This feels like ordering a pizza, only to receive three slices plus a pair of sweat socks with a note explaining that some non-pizza items were mistakenly characterized as pizza.
In saner times, any campaign aide would have immediately been fired for approvingly platforming a chainsaw-wielding, n-word-spewing, protester-threatening maniac, but when you get that push notification in a couple of days announcing Mercedes Schlapp has instead been named Acting Secretary of Defense, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
Chainsaw Racist will be teaming up with Handless Incel (in prison) soon enough. Oh, you hadn’t heard about Handless Incel? Well, I’ve spoiled the ending, but I won’t deprive you of the other pleasures of this story; while karma hasn’t yet caught up to the world’s most prominent and powerful scumfucks, at least it’s keeping busy.
Seems even George W. Bush won’t back Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot this November, so perhaps the ghosts of everyone Dubya got killed have slipped some sound political advice into their nightly haunting. Word is, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is positively giddy to run against W, imagining “even the war criminals from my own party can’t stand me” is some sort of magical electoral cure-all, like, “hey, remember that one guy you hated twelve years ago? Doesn’t he just make you forget all about how you lost your job and you can’t go to restaurants because the President can’t do one fucking thing right? No? Think really hard about 2008. Please. Please clap.” thus achieving the poetic justice of becoming the very Jeb(!) they once mocked.
If you ever wondered what would happen if you threw a fear-crazed vigilante mob for an imaginary antifa invasion, and antifa never came, wonder no longer. Once again mistaking their 4chan posts and misspelled memes for “intel,” bunches of terrified idiot white people all over the country became convinced that “busloads of antifa” were coming to their small town to fuck shit up, presumably because the antifas had run out of shit to fuck up in the big bad city. Anyway, everybody had a real nice time playing dress-up, and maybe the real busloads of antifa were the friends we made along the way.
In their ongoing effort to spread American Carnage beyond humanity to all species of life, the Turdmaggot Administration rolled back century-old protections for wild birds. Why? Because they hate everyone and everything. Every. Living. Thing. They’re gonna try to ram the Mandatory Puppy Mills Replacing Every Playground in America Act through in the lame duck session, just you watch.
Something really has changed in this country, though.
Who would have imagined that Tangerine Idi Amin’s long-lusted-after Authoritarian Power Grab and Off-Brand Tear Gas Sho would have turned the entire country against racist, militarized police overnight? Public opinion has shifted more sharply than I would have thought possible a year ago.
Shit, this last week saw the stunning public debut of WOKE WILLARD, a suspiciously Mitt-Romney-shaped Black Lives Matter marcher.
Why, even the National Football League suddenly noticed that racism is a thing, and gosh, IF ONLY someone associated with that organization had done something to peacefully bring that issue to their attention a few years ago, right?
Anyway, let’s do something a bit uncharacteristic for this silly little poo joke blog.
Let’s take a moment to chronicle the PROGRESS for once, because there’s certainly been a stunning amount of it in a very short time.
In Los Angeles, NYC, and elsewhere, cities are vowing to redirect some of their riot-gear-and-tear-gas budget to more useful, less When All You Have is a Baton, Everything Looks Like a Skull type solutions. ‘Bout time.
The Minneapolis city council has pledged to disband the whole dang police department, and start over with something new. Considering all the tire-slashing and pepper spray joyriding that’s gone on, yeah, pulling this rotten plant out by the roots makes sense.
In New York, state lawmakers banned the use of chokeholds by law enforcement, and repealed a law that kept officers’ disciplinary records secret from the public, because apparently there was a point in time when somebody thought that was a good idea, OK BOOMER, did I use that right?
The Washington, D.C. city council passed reforms of their own, banning chokeholds, as well as all Hairplug Himmler’s favorite protester-suppressing tactics: tear gas, pepper spray, stun grenades, and rubber bullets. There are almost too many reforms to keep track of, so I’m happy to let this dude on Twitter keep track of ‘em for me.
Fuck, now even the Army is suddenly “open to discussions” about maybe renaming those bases currently glorifying Confederate leaders, and uh, yay for progress, but why the fuck are y’all just getting to this now? Is it really good for morale to train at Camp Treasonous Loser? I feel like I’d be more inspired by figures who were loyal. And, y’know...successful.
And on an unrelated topic, new studies show that lockdown orders spared the world tens of millions of coronavirus infections, saving millions of lives, and does it not warm your battered heart to learn that not all of 2020’s endless stream of bullshit has been in vain? That your significant-but-ultimately-manageable sacrifices made a real difference, even if the FUCK SOCIETY GIMMIE MAH HAIRCUT crowd will never acknowledge or appreciate them? Hell with ‘em. We saved millions, and got a few solid Netflix binges and closet reorganizations out of it to boot. Go, us.
See, wasn’t it nice to read all that GOOD news for a change? I feel all clean and sparkly now. Like a dish soap commercial. Anyway, time to swing back by the buffet to load up our plates with more shit. You didn’t think we were done with the bad news, didja? Oh, my sweet summer child.
The Shart House brain trust is reportedly considering wheeling Donnie Dotard out in front of the public to give a speech on race and unity, and my first thought was “wow, and risk alienating his white supremacist hate cult base?” Anyway, I’m excited for it; it’ll be a train wreck so spectacular I expect Harrison Ford to escape from it in order to chase down a one-armed man.
Redactor General William Barr has been so busy ordering violent crackdowns on peaceful protesters he hasn’t been able to keep up with the latest version of the official story, undercutting Boss Shart’s ridiculous “bunker inspector” spin during an interview with Fux Nooz. It’s actually kinda cute that these dipshit crooks can’t keep their lies straight. The bungling lends a slapstick element to the attempted fascist takeover of the United States that will likely seem more amusing 20 minutes after Joseph Robinette has been sworn in.
Oh hey, we’re officially in a recession, that’s neat. Just like every time we elect a Republican President. But hey, when your vote can be bought as cheaply as empty bellowing about an imaginary “War on Xmas,” you have to expect this sort of thing.
While our old chum the coronavirus has largely fallen off the front page, it’s still killing hundreds of people every day, probably because pandemics, unlike Presidents, don’t curl up in bed to mainline cheeseburgers and rage-tweet all weekend when they don’t like their press coverage. So naturally, Fat Q*Bert thinks it’s the perfect time to hit the road for Klanfest 2020, offering Cult45 up to COVID-19 like a sacrifice to a volcano god. At this point, I say fuck it. Crank the AC, toss the masks, shit, let’s install vomitoriums* for these creeps. Go crazy, dolts.
I see the latest presidentially-designated enemy of the state is Martin Gugino, the 75-year-old man who the lying librul media would have you believe was violently assaulted by Buffalo PD officers, but who is in fact a secret antifa super spy and also a ninja with a robot arm that has a flamethrower built into the pointer finger, a Russian propaganda agent on fucking OAN told us so. This episode helpfully provided further evidence of the Theory of Senate Republican Spinelessness, which I think is ready for publication now.
Brian Kemp and his Georgia partymates remain deathly afraid of their voters, and in honor of the state’s primary today, they held a charity concert to benefit their fading white nationalist majority, playing all the greatest voter suppression hits including the smash single Not Enough Voting Machines in Minority Neighborhoods (Plus the Ones They’ve Got Don’t Work). The encore, There Are No Lines in White Precincts How Strange really brought the house down, assuming the house is democracy, and everyone was excited to hear Kemp’s new song, You’re All Too Distracted With Trump’s Bullshit (To Stop Me From Pulling This Again in November.)
And now I see the previously mentioned race n’ unity speech will be written by Sneering Hatemarmot Stephen Miller himself? How can I, with my humble exaggerations and petty hyperbole, hope to compete with real life?
Well. Another absolutely disastrous day for the Shart’s re-election chances, and another day Ruth Bader Ginsburg survived, so I’m gonna go ahead and call it a win and drink till I fall asleep. Stay safe out there, Resisters...
*I know they weren’t real, so you can save that “well, actually, Cap...” comment. You know who you are.
This Week in Hell: All Antifa's Fault, According to Bill Barr (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Golly, it’s a good thing I have a blog instead of a podcast, because while I’ve screamed myself hoarse yelling at the news this week, my typin’ fingers are just fine. I guess all of my fingers are “typin’ fingers,” now that I think of it. My thumbs are also fine, if you were wondering. Um. You probably want me to stop talkin’ phalanges and get to the news, right? Got it.
(Yup yup, as usual, find this post, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-all-antifas-fault-according-to-bill-barr/)
Monday night was, for me, the darkest moment of this entire four-year nightmare. This was the Donald Trump I’d feared, the one who kept me up on election night 2016; the wannabe dictator playing with the military like a spoiled child carelessly tossing his toys around, trampling our constitutional rights without a moment’s hesitation. It was scary as fuck, to be honest...especially wondering what would come next.
Well, I am beyond thrilled to see that Operation: American Tiananmen Square has backfired spectacularly. New critics of the administration’s horrific show of force emerge practically hourly, and the public has responded like Tucker Carlson at a soul food restaurant. Best of all, the protests continue to grow in numbers while the violence has all but disappeared; these protesters shame the bloodthirsty fascists with their peacefulness.
Of course, all over the country, police are still knocking the hell out of people protesting police brutality, and the fact that so many departments and officers are trying to beat the American people into accepting this unacceptable situation where we pay taxes to fund this terrifyingly-militarized force that reserves the right to harm or even kill us at will is...not my favorite thing going on right now.
But the officers who stood idly by while Derek Chauvin crushed the life out of George Floyd have at last been arrested and charged, and additional abusive officer suspensions/firings/prosecutions are stacking up around the country. Police culture isn’t adapting to this new reality particularly well, as evidenced by the Buffalo PD’s nauseating attempt to lie about an incident where officers assaulted a 75-year-old man and left him bleeding on the ground. Like, the video has been posted everywhere; the whole world saw what happened. We’re all trapped in quarantine looking at recordings of this shit all day long, you fucks.
Team Treasonweasel thought they finally had a fact check of their own to throw at the lügenpresse, claiming the media lied in reporting Hairplug Himmler’s obscene military action in Lafayette Square utilized tear gas, darkly-if-hilariously insisting they instead used...a different type of gas that causes tearing. Tear gas, yes, but not like, TEAR GAS tear gas. I have no fucking idea what they hoped to accomplish with that shit, maybe they’re trying to win back the fiscal conservative crowd by using a generic, off-brand chemical irritant banned in international warfare? Anyway, after several days of pathetic-even-by-Trump-era-standards-which-is-sayin’-something gaslighting, US Park Police admitted, “ok, we tear-gassed ya, and we would’ve gotten away with it too, if you snooping reporters didn’t the find the fucking canisters we left laying on the ground. This whole ‘police state’ thing is new to us, and we forgot to cover our tracks.”
Bunker Bitch really hates that the world knows what a bunker bitch he is, and rather amusingly tried to spin his public humiliation (a narcissist’s worst nightmare, no doubt the reason he had people gassed in the first place) by claiming he was suddenly struck, in the middle of the protests surrounding the Shart House, with an insatiable desire to inspect his wee bunker. Sure, kid. You probably just wanted to see if you could get enough reception to tweet while cowering under the bed, right? Needless to say, all the fact-checking sites agree, he is indeed one big ol’ bunker bitch.
Meanwhile Bilious Billy Barr’s patchwork gestapo patrols the streets of the nation’s capital. They’re an unidentified, unaccountable hodgepodge of federal prison guards, DEA/ATF agents, and Baskin Robbins shift managers deployed to occupy an American city and menace the American citizens who live there. I have to say, Willy, for this overwhelmingly-disastrous fascist takeover test run, the bayonets were a fantastic choice, and I appreciate the attention to detail you bring to your insidious plot to destroy American democracy; it shows you really care.
Defense Secretary Mark Esper said he thought maybe deploying active duty military forces against peaceful protesters wasn’t the greatest idea in the world, welcome comments for a nation suddenly wondering just where the lines would wind up being drawn, following-illegal-orders-wise. Naturally, this commitment to basic human decency and the rule of law infuriated the Tiny-Fisted Tyrant, so Esper is probably on the way out now. President Dunning-Krueger Overdrive’s inner circle keeps on getting smaller and crazier; by Election Day it’ll be down to Jar-Jar and Ivanka, Stephen Miller, and a troll doll possessed by the ghost of Roy Cohn.
I see Jim Mattis unretired the Mad in Mad Dog, finally opening up that can of whoop-ass he’d been saving on a certain Farthuffin’ Fascist for using the US military to help him cosplay Gaddafi on Monday night. Many believe Mattis has much more mega-catty gossip about his former boss to drop, from his alienation of our global allies to his penchant for dribbling Big Mac sauce all over the Situation Room floor. We’ll see.
Shit is absolutely fucking awful right now, and there’s no end in sight, so let’s all give ourselves the gift of a moment or two to just laugh our damn asses off over the fact that Fat Q*Bert got caught committing voter fraud. Go ahead. Bust a gut. I’ll still be here when you’re done.
Oh, and Steve King’s congressional career died a most welcome death this week, when the hateful old twerp finally lost his primary. This news delights all decent people, of course, but no one is happier than the House GOP Caucus, who will merrily return to their dog whistles now that Quiet Part Out Loud Guy will finally be gone. King didn’t lose because he’s a fucking Nazi, by the way; he’s always been a Nazi, and the voters of his district 100% always understood that he’s a Nazi, it’s just that now he’s a Nazi who got booted from his committee assignments, so he’s of no fucking use to them anymore.
A bumper crop of white nationalist losers (but I repeat myself) are beginning their thrilling new lives behind bars, as they’re arrested for trying to start shit during the George Floyd protests, but even though the FBI’s own intelligence finds no antifa involvement in the protest-adjacent violence, Redactor General Barr keeps on chanting ANTIFA ANTIFA ANTIFA anyway. Ah, antifa, such a useful all-purpose boogeyman for terrified white conservatives. Antifa steals the socks from your dryers. Antifa casts all those ethnic people on sitcoms. That unclaimed fart? The one that smelled like asparagus smothered in Munster and ballsweat? Antifa.
Why? Well, take this story, for example: seems some deranged fuckheads in Washington state actually took it upon themselves to terrorize a random, totally innocent family of campers, because they had “intel” that they were “antifas.” Well, William, you’re absolute shit at your day job, but you certainly have a bright future in stochastic terrorism.
Look, Rand Paul is a young man yet, maybe he’s just trying to keep his options open. That’s the only thing I can think of that might explain why this preening filibuster addict is single-handedly holding up an anti-lynching bill in the Senate. Paul even went so far as to jagsplain lynching to Senators Harris and Booker, because shame just isn’t a thing anymore.
You probably remember Dead-Eyed Murder Porn Fanfic Writer/Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton jerkin’ it to the idea of the American military initiating a new civil war against the increasingly-peaceful protest movement sweeping the nation. Well, the New York Times saw this bloodthirsty call to violence and said, SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A PLATFORM! Y’know, maybe it’s time to clean the windows of your ivory tower when the backlash from handing a megaphone to a sadistic wannabe autocrat catches you by surprise. Just a tip.
Condolences to the statue of Robert E. Lee in Richmond, Virginia, which is being retired from duty and removed; it can’t possibly be easy to find a new gig as a monument to white supremacy in this job market. Aw. Who will Richmond’s racist losers look to for inspiration now? WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE RACIST LOSERS?
Speaking of racist losers, back to Donald Trump. (ZING!) Seems he’s getting all pissy with North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper over the Republican National Convention. While Cooper opposes turning his state into a COVID hot zone over a Klan rally, Wee Don fears social distancing and mask-wearing will come off as “weak,” and yeah, that ship sailed with the whole cowering-in-a-bunker thing, but whatever. Anyway, I’m sorry, Governor, the only path Government Cheese Goebbels sees to turning his cratering poll numbers around is through a massive human sacrifice to the shittiest elder gods in this (or any) universe. To be fair, he’s probably right.
But he demands social distance from YOU, dear reader, as demonstrated by the ever-expanding BUNKER. The Bunker grows and grows, as a fenced-off security perimeter walls off more and more of D.C. from the people seemingly every day, for the President is a trembling coward. (Many are calling him a “Bunker Bitch,” I am told.) THE BUNKER is coming to a town near you! At the rate it’s swelling, it may soon engulf the whole world! No one is safe from...THE BUNKER!
The Texas Republican Party is dealing with a rash of local officials posting lunatic conspiracy theories and mega-racist memes on social media, with Governor Greg Abbott going so far as to call for a couple of resignations. Given the Lone Star State GOP’s well-earned reputation in these particular areas, especially in light of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick’s nonstop flow of mouth-diarrhea in recent weeks, I’d really love to see the party rule book on what, precisely, constitutes unacceptable behavior here; I imagine it’s as awkwardly gerrymandered as the state’s congressional districts.
I’m being told that Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski has been designated the Bravest of All Possible Little Toasters, even after giving Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot a pass on his extremely illegal Ukraine extortion scheme, because now she’s “struggling” with whether or not to vote for the career criminal who turned the US military on peaceful American citizens. So, sorry Unarmed Protesters Heroically Facing Down Abusive Militarized Police, it is Murkowski, a recent graduate of the Susan Collins School for Useless Dithering, who gets all the Profiles in Courage trophies; you can have some pepper spray instead, tho.
For another lesson in misattributed courage, let’s turn to Iowa’s Chuck Grassley, who announced he’ll hold up two Shart Administration appointments until he’s given a reason, any will likely do, for the recent rash of inspector general purges. Some will no doubt be tempted to give Chuckles credit for showing more spine than anyone in his craven caucus has in years, but don’t be surprised when he accepts a hotel bar napkin that reads, “Oh, let’s say one of ‘em got caught clipping their toenails in the break room, and the other one always spoils HBO shows on Facebook.”
These days Donnie Two-Scoops inhales “LAW & ORDER” and exhales “I AM GOING TO PARDON MY BUDDY ROGER STONE EVEN THOUGH HE COMMITTED MANY FELONIES,” and to be fair, his tiny walnut brain is likely incapable of understanding the hypocrisy. While it’s infuriating to watch him abuse his power like this even as he refuses to lift a (tiny, inadequate) finger to stop the spread of the coronavirus, I do enjoy knowing that the pardon power will be long gone when he’ll want it most.
You could probably use another laugh right about now. Well, Shart House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany has apparently committed voter fraud too. Why do I have the sudden feeling that Junior and Eric are about to declare themselves residents of Wisconsin?
Apparently worried that African-American voters were insufficiently motivated to fire his third-rate Klansman ass, the Adderall-Addled Assclown decided today would be a good day to put George Floyd’s name in his mouth and dare America to slap it out. I won’t presume to speak for the dead myself, but no, I do not believe any of the recent victims of police violence are high-fiving you over your awesome jobs numbers, also you’re the reason there are so many millions unemployed in the first place, also SHUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE BUTTHOLE MOUTH, YOU SOULLESS CROTCHWART.
Meanwhile, the Die Plebs Die Administration, while continuing to neglect its coronavirus responsibilities, has merrily used the pandemic as an excuse to suspend hundreds of regulations designed to protect working folks from our corporate overlords. See, looting isn’t bad when it’s done by the stroke of a pen. Anyway, I’m sure looking forward to buying my COVID-19 vaccine on credit at the company store.
Now, this week has been a lot, obviously, I mean A LOT, and I’m just trying to hang onto my sanity, and I was doing pretty well until I came across this CDC study that says more than a third of Americans actually listened to Doctor Dotard when he told them to ingest Lysol, and that they’re doing insane shit like GARGLING BLEACH. Look I believe the right to vote is absolutely sacred, but maybe the motherfucking BLEACH GARGLERS should be excluded from the leadership-choosing discussion. There, I said it.
...and now I see Bill Fucking Barr, having previously admitted to ordering the Lafayette Square attack, is feverishly backtracking, probably on account of realizing he’d confessed to a very large crime. I had to write three different paragraphs about Barr tonight. I need a fucking shower.
Fuuuuuuuuuck. I can’t take this shit anymore. There is absolutely stuff I missed tonight, but if I covered everything, I’d still be writing this post come Sunday morning. Forgive me. I’m gonna go ingest one very specific liquid that is actually designed for ingestion now. Stay safe, friends.
I'm Sending This Week's News Back to the Kitchen; Too Much Fascism (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, whoever had “it’ll get worse before it gets better” in the pool, congratulations, I guess. I’m happy to turn over your winnings so long as you can promise to deliver that second part. Anyway, the challenge before me right now is to get through this blog without saying “fascist” or “fascism” every other sentence. Wish me luck.
(You can find this post, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/im-sending-this-weeks-news-back-to-the-kitchen-too-much-fascism/)
So, you may have missed it, but last night, the President of the United States, a liar, a con man, a thief, a fraud, a bully, a coward (but I repeat myself), a mouth-breathing shitwit, a serial sex offender, a walking sack of monkey crap, quite possibly the worst human being alive, terrified as the walls close in and the fruits of his failures drop and rot all around him, his polling numbers plummeting, forcing him to contemplate life beyond the shield of presidential immunity, proclaimed himself the “ally of all peaceful protesters,” even as police and the National Guard fired tear gas into a crowd of peaceful protesters in Lafayette Park, dispersing them so he could waddle over to St. John’s to pose for glamour shots while awkwardly waving a Bible he was clutching like a turd he was trying to hold by the clean end.
Now, I’ll tell you something, my dear, dear friends...those photographs are going to be in American history books for generations to come. The context, however, is up to us, right here, right now. I’m hoping the caption is “Terrified Loser’s Pathetic Authoritarian Stunt Leads to Historic Electoral College Blowout and Eventual Arrest,” but don’t forget the Stephen Millers of the world are angling for more of a “Dear Leader Crushes Vermin, Proclaims Self Turd Emperor For Life” kind of scenario, followed by lots of shouting and saluting and marching and god knows what other terrible, terrible, shit. This is a good time to triple-check that you’re registered to vote, is all I’m saying.
Protests continued after the sun set and the curfews kicked in, leading to the decidedly-not-awesome image of a U.S. Army Blackhawk helicopter deployed against Americans in the nation’s very capital. Donald, I’m sorry your parents didn’t love you (although clearly they were onto something there, you psychotic fuck), but military aircraft are not toys, and you don’t get to take your inferiority complex out on us, we have fucking rights.
What it comes down to here is that these protesters, and indeed all decent Americans, believe that Black Lives Matter, while our dirtbag Klansman President...disagrees. He disagrees so much he’s threatened to deploy the U.S. military on American soil to intimidate, and even kill his constituents. This dehumanization and violence seems to be his entire reelection strategy, and y'know, I think I’m probably gonna vote for the other fellow.
Word is, Toupee Fiasco gave in to his inner jackbooted thug because he was mad America was calling him “Bunker Bitch” on account of how he responded to the weekend’s protests by cowering in his bunker like a bitch. So this was a show of “strength,” you see. You might be tempted to question what, precisely, is “strong” about having a fucking platoon clear out a park for you ahead of a short stroll, but please remember this is a 73-year-old man who has yet to figure out simple devices like umbrellas or pants; expecting complex analytical thought from him is entirely unfair, and almost mean. Anyhow, immediately after getting his picture taken, Bunker Bitch slithered back to his bunker. What a little bitch.
And he sure does like talkin’ tough from the safety of that bunker. On a conference call, he berated the nation’s governors for being insufficiently murderous, demanding they “dominate” the protesters using military force, pausing only to ask Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to bring him a new juice box and wash his security blankie, which he had once again soiled in terror. See, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops wants his police state, but he wants the governors to impose it for him. "Bunker Bitch" isn't just a moniker, it's an entire lifestyle; sorta like fascist Goop.
Oh, but good news everybody, even though the country is burning, FLAGS ARE FINALLY SAFE. Yes, Strawberry Shartcake, attuned as ever the issues the public cares most about, figures his all-new, sex-criminal-infused Supreme Court is totally open to slapping an asterisk on the First Amendment, and he really isn’t giving the pandemic so much as a single passing thought, is he?
Ok, the REAL good news is that Senate Republicans have finally had enough, gassing Americans peacefully exercising their constitutional rights was one atrocity too far, and they will tolerate no more. Mitch McConnell and John Barrasso said so during a press conference where both men were riding on talking unicorns and then I woke up in the real world where they didn’t do shit.
Naturally, the Turdmaggot Administration told a bunch of easily-disproven lies about their appalling crackdown, because the Monday Night Special is a free side of gaslighting with your fascism. “We didn’t use tear gas!” they insisted, to the crowd that was tear-gassed. “People were throwing shit at us,” they bellowed, proving only that they weren’t carved by Gepetto. Naturally, it turned out Bilious Billy Barr ordered the attack personally, in what was surely the most gratifying moment of his entire shitty authoritarian life. Personally, I would like William Barr to spend the rest of his life as unhappy as possible at the direction this country is taking, wouldn’t you?
Across the country, local police forces decked out like Call of Duty avatars responded to those protesting police brutality with...an awful fucking lotta police brutality. Now, I confess I never studied public relations, but this seems a wee bit on the counterproductive side to me. Some of the most abusive officers have been fired, and some are already facing charges, which is good. Of course, with over 100 separate instances of police targeting journalists, it seems the argument isn’t “is excessive police violence a thing?” but rather “do you think you can fucking stop us, peasants?”
Now, there are all kinds of rat-bastards slinking about in and around these protests, inciting violence and giving the entire movement a bad name. If I can find any spare time I’m considering publishing A Children’s Treasury of Dirtbag White Kids Causing Property Damage Black People Will Get Blamed For, lord knows I wouldn’t want for material. From the suburbanite mall looters to the masked creeps smashing windows to the skeezy little brat who set fire to the historic Metro Nashville courthouse, one natural resource we are in absolutely no danger of depleting is Shitty White People. I want a give a special shout-out to the utterly failed human who felt entitled to scream “all lives matter” while preparing to commit homicide with a fucking hunting bow; you’re going to be awfully popular in prison, bro.
Lost in the chaos, the Treasonweasel Administration continues its purge of patriotic law enforcement officials, forcing the FBI’s general counsel to resign over his role in the case against Mutinous Mike Flynn. Considering recently-released documents clearly show Flynn A) absolutely committed the crime he pleaded to and B) allowed himself to be manipulated by Sergey Kislyak like cheap off-brand Play-Doh, I confess I don’t see why this treacherous clod is worth wrecking the Justice Department over, but then, unlike the current occupants of the federal government, I actually love my country.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake has frequently come off during this Dagwood Sandwich of crises as a bit of a, how shall I put this, a bit of an unfeeling sociopath? Me, I don’t think that’s quite fair. Oh sure, he doesn’t give a single fuck about the 108,000 coronavirus deaths, and he’s doing everything he can to dehumanize protesters so he can justify assaulting or even massacring them, but I think you have to look at the whole picture. Honestly, doesn’t his unshakable loyalty to Vlad Putin bring a tear (admittedly a tear of rage) to your eye? Sure, his BFF* attacked the United States and invaded a sovereign neighbor, but Wee Don still does all he can to sneak his pal back into the G7; it would be really sweet if it wasn’t so, y’know, treasonous.
Meanwhile, Redactor General Barr grows more comfortable in his jodhpurs every day, casually lumping all protesters under one happy, enemy-of-the-state umbrella, bellowing DURR DURR DURR ANTIFA DURR DURR, knowing this would be all the evidence he’d ever need to rile up MAGA nation; they’re like Pavlov’s cult, you say “antifa,” “deep state,” or “Obamagate,” and they just start slobbering all over themselves. Or maybe they were already drooling, I neither know nor care.
One of the really fun things about life here in Hell is the way we’re all at the mercy of Mark Zuckerberg, a damaged manchild who, not unlike Shart Garfunkel himself, stumbled backwards into awesome power he willfully refuses to understand, and with it the accompanying responsibility which he is neither willing nor qualified to bear. Anyway, Zuck, whose cancerous hot-or-not platform has already been used as a tool of genocide once before, is quite adamant that he will not allow something silly like calls to remove a dime store Hitler’s violence-inciting rants from his hellsite interfere in any way with the sweet, sweet ad revenue that winds up in Mark Zuckerberg’s pocket.
I see George Will penned what political media types are calling a “scathing takedown” of Tangerine Idi Amin, a “(figurative) nuclear bomb,” and a “laugh-a-minute thrill ride, perfect for children of all ages.” Just take my word for it, there’s certainly no need to subject yourself to Georgie’s dreary, florid prose. (Wouldja believe he doesn’t say “shart” even once?)
Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton achieved his first erection in decades, practically lactating over the thought of deploying the U.S. military to mass-murder people who don’t agree with him, going so far as to insist upon ”no quarter,” a sickeningly specific military term literally calling for not just war on American citizens, but war crimes. When Cotton runs for President in a few years (and he will), let’s make sure to tie these bloodthirsty statements around his ankle like a cartoon anchor; you know the type, attached to a rope he doesn’t notice, so he drones smugly on and on until it finally yanks him into the sea, mid-rant? Of course, given the trajectory of the Republican Party, he’ll probably make that shit his official campaign slogan.
Florida Congresscreep Matt Gaetz attempted his own version of Cotton’s deranged murder fantasy, no doubt hoping to deceive Hairplug Himmler into perceiving him as a Big Tuff Guy instead of the Softest Boy in All the Land, which is what he indubitably is. Matty got a Twitter spanking, and whined about it like a child, because of course he did.
And of course the coronavirus lurks in the background, no doubt delighted at all of the fun new people it’s getting to meet, and positively giddy at all the cough-inducing tear gas providing that extra boost a contagion really needs to survive n’ thrive. It’s like a forgotten subplot, but I’m afraid the little fucker has a really showy number coming up in Act III.
Through it all, Joe Biden has remained a listenin’, kneelin’, sense-talkin’ fool. Joe meets people face to face while Bunker Bitch trembles in his basement. Joe offers plans while Donnie lobs tear gas. Joe’s out there reminding us what the word “presidential” means, just as the Merriam-Webster people were getting ready to strike it from the book once and for all. If you’ve got a buck to spare for a donation, now’s the time.
Ugh. Folks, I’m sorry it wasn’t very funny today, or very thorough. I’m angry, and I’m scared, and I’m sad, and I’m exhausted. And I’m a comfortable white dude, so compared to most folks, I’ve got it fuckin’ made. Anyway, if I missed anything, or misspelled anything, please forgive me, I find I start drinking earlier and earlier these days...
*Best Fascist Friend
COVID to the Left of Me, Fascists to the Right, Here I Am, Stuck in the Middle OF HELL (Ferret/SC)
Holy heck what a week. I know what happened, too. One of you fuckers said, “well at least things can’t possibly get worse,” I fucking know you did. Said it right out loud, didn’tcha? Like the universe wouldn’t hear you? Which one of you was it? Fess up, or I fart all the way through this blog post.
(As ever, if you wanna see this post in living color, with nooz links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/covid-to-the-left-of-me-fascists-to-the-right-here-i-am-stuck-in-the-middle-of-hell/)
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s tyrannical tantrum towards Twitter um...conTinued (hey, I tried), culminating in a comically unconstitutional executive order, irritating a bunch of first amendment lawyers and federal judges who are gonna have to waste all kinds of fucking time pointing out the obvious in an unnecessarily formal setting. Y’know, if somebody could only talk COVID-19 into fact-checking him, maybe Shithead would do something about the FUCKING PANDEMIC, and that would be a real nice change.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake, having previously signed into law a bill authorizing warrantless surveillance of Americans, screeched “WARRANTLESS SURVEILLANCE OF AMERICANS IS WRONG!" on the polyphonic tweeting machine. Is this hypocrisy at work? Memory failure? Or does the Shart House staff just shove legislation under his perpetually-sniffling nose and tell him he’s signing a bill mandating presidential peepholes be drilled into every teen beauty pageant dressing room in all the land?
Presidential Medal of Freedom Desecrater Rush Limbaugh praised Hairplug Himmler for triggerin’ the libs (and terrorizing an innocent, grieving family) with his baseless conspiracy theories about Joe Scarborough, thrilled to finally see the highest office in the land brought down to his own bottom-of-the-darkest-outhouse level. It trult is an entire culture/political movement/dirtbag loser cult centered around irritating strangers, isn’t it? What’s amazing is, they’ve “triggered” us libs so hard that we’re more politically active than ever, and kicking their asses from coast to coast. Like, I don’t get this grand strategy where what you get is the fleeting, ultimately self-destructive thrill of shitposting, but we walk away with a sturdy House majority, a fat stack of red state governorships, and a five-month countdown to seizing the White House and Senate. I’m not complaining, mind you. Trigger away.
The all-Republijag Texas Supreme Court won’t let puny voters use the coronavirus as an excuse to seek the unmanly-if-completely-safe alternative of a mail-in ballot, potentially forcing millions to choose between risking their lives and giving up their rights. Asked if they had a preference for the state’s populace, disenfranchisement or death, the justices shrugged noncommittally, and returned to their fantasy Civil War army draft.
Plenty of articles this week pointing out that various prominent Shartworld officials have long histories of voting by mail personally despite their current fear-of-increased-turnout-borne crusade against the practice. If you’re still waiting for Republicans to display shame at their blatant hypocrisy, well, say hi to Godot for me.
Kellyanne Conway, for example, making headlines for the first time since berating a reporter for suggesting the coronavirus outbreak wasn’t contained three months and 100,000 deaths ago, sneeringly declared that if us serfs can wait in line for a cupcake, we can wait in line to vote. Obviously this makes precisely zero fucking sense, but if there WERE a cupcake capable of flushing Kellyanne and all her fascist colleagues out of our government once and for all, you have to admit, there would be a massive fucking line to get one, and we’d all be standing in it right now.
Seems Mike Pants’ Chief of Staff, Marc Short, owns a fuckton of stock in companies doing coronavirus response business with the Turdmaggot Administration, which would probably be bigger news if anyone anywhere still believed these crooks might actually prioritize helping this country through this crisis over self-enrichment. Fuck, I’m waiting for HHS to announce they’re looking to recoup costs by confiscating the fillings from COVID victims’ teeth.
Amidst a rising death toll and an economy many experts are describing as “seriously fucked,” Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Tom Cotton teamed up with Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Only a Girl Marsha Blackburn to introduce legislation that would ban Chinese nationals from studying in STEM fields at American colleges, because subpar white folks fear genuine meritocracy. Me, I want the best and the brightest from all over the world to come to the United States to study, and to live, and to raise the intellectual bar so goshdarn high that there are no communities anywhere in this great country dumb or hateful enough to elect hoodless Klansmen like Tom Cotton and Marsha Blackburn.
Now that the pesky State Department inspector general is out of the way, the Treasonweasel Administration is moving forward with plans to sell another fuckload of weapons to the journalist-dismembering war criminals running Saudi Arabia. Y’know, Susan Collins was right, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot DID learn his lesson from the impeachment trial; he learned the law doesn’t apply to him, because the bottom-feeding invertebrates of the GOP will let him get away with absolutely anything. Shit, Collins is such a good teacher, she should look into that line of work next year, once Sara Gideon has replaced her useless, enabling ass.
Germ warfare in the Pennsylvania state House, as Republicans decided it would be totally awesome to expose their Democratic colleagues to a member who had tested positive for COVID-19 without telling them, because hey, what’s a deadly disease or two among beloved coworkers? C’mon, it’s basically Secret Santa! That this potentially lethal deception was in service to their ongoing efforts to force their constituents back into unsafe working conditions is some DARK FUCKING SHIT, not to editorialize.
“The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat;” so begins the video clip retweeted by the President of the United States, in a distressingly public attempt to incite one or more of the less stable maniacs of Cult45 to murder me and/or basically everyone I know, which I must confess I do not much care for. Like, my regular top issues are gun control and voting rights, but I guess going forward I’ll need to examine whether or not a candidate plans to target me specifically via stochastic terrorism. I mean, I was already leaning Biden, but I think this seals it. Anyhow, the theory posited by the Randolph Scott cosplayer in question doesn’t really hold up; I for one am a fucking kickass Democrat, and I assure you I’m quite alive*.
And of course, Minneapolis is burning, because it turns out people don’t like being told they can be murdered in the broad light of day without consequence, imagine that. With his unfailing instinct for turning everything he touches to shit, Tangerine Idi Amin figured what this volatile situation needed was a heapin’ helpin’ of threats of state-sponsored mass murder, promising, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” and for a guy who literally can’t remember which bills he’s signed, he’s certainly well-versed in the history of violence-enforced institutional racism. Old man, since you like your clever little rhymes so much, let me just remind you real quick, when the voting starts, your de-scroting starts.
State police, facing an enormous nationwide backlash (on top of a burning precinct), figured the best way to handle things was to arrest a CNN correspondent, who happens to be black and Latino, live on television. Is Stephen Miller offering freelance public relations consultation on the side?
Meanwhile, Joe Biden reminded us what a President is supposed to sound like, putting words to a bleeding nation’s pain, and friends, thinking about how close we are to reinstating basic frickin’ human decency in our government...I absolutely ache for it. I yearn for it. My heart is signing Roy Orbison songs about it. Not Ooby Dooby, obviously, you know the ones I’m talking about.
Sultan Spraytan called a press conference and everyone naturally thought he would address the HEADLINE FUCKING NEWS about Minneapolis and the murder of George Floyd, but PSYCH instead he pulled America out of the World Health Organization in the middle of a pandemic, and I’m ordering a bunch of Rosetta Stone software so I can learn to say “I voted for Hillary, may I please have the vaccine?” in as many languages as possible. There was also some gobbledygook about JINA, because the doddering old fuckhead still thinks he can change the subject, that we’ll talk about how he’s so very Tough on Jina instead of the fact that we can’t leave the house without fear of dying and killing everyone we live with. And of course he scampered away without taking questions, for he is a coward.
Ratfucking Halloween Outlet Store Mannequin Roger Stone has been ordered to report to prison by June 30th, giving him just one short month to eat at all his favorite restaurants, catch a ballgame, and generally cross shit off his bucket l-OH WAIT EVERYTHING IS CLOSED and isn’t that a fucking shame.
And Taylor Swift says America is never ever ever getting back together with President Crotchrot, and honestly I shouldn’t even have mentioned it, it’s just that it’s always such low-hanging fruit when a musician makes the news, you just pick a song lyric and bam! you’ve got a gag; anyway, I wrote it and you read it and nobody got hurt, so let’s just agree to move on, okay?
Well, we have arrived at the chapter in the shitty dystopian fanfic that is both our reality and our prison when roving gangs of monkeys are stealing coronavirus blood samples from health care workers and running off with them, presumably to drop that shit straight into our water supply, cackling all the while. Just to give y’all a heads up, if this clusterfuck does indeed devolve into open warfare between humanity and nature, I am defecting to the other side at the first fucking opportunity. I have zero survival skills and will look positively appalling in a loincloth, but I’m really looking forward to flinging poo at Tucker Carlson.
Anyway, newly declassified documents prove that Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn 100% lied to the FBI, exactly as he’s pleaded, though he’s now trying to un-plead to this thing that he obviously, indisputably did, and I know we’re doing Orwell for Dummies these days, but fucking COME ON.
And what’s this? Someone from that overflowing bowl of human soup masquerading as a “pool party” in the Ozarks has tested positive for coronavirus, having potentially exposed hundreds of others? You don’t fuckin’ say. What a twist. I mean this is some M. Night Shyamalan shit right here. Just right out of the blue. Dang.
FRIDAY NEWS DUMP MY ASS, I thought this fucker would never end. Well, I’ve earned a drink. No, you’ve earned a drink for reading all this shit, I’ve earned three for writing it. I may add a few more on credit, to be honest. As always, stay safe out there, Resisters.
*And so, dear reader, are you.
100,000 Human Capital Stock Units Have Perished; You Are Permitted a 5-Minute Grief Break (Ferret)
Greetings fellow human capital stock! I trust you enjoyed your holiday weekend, but it is now time to return to your unsafe workplaces, or, if you are too unhealthy to do so, to your nearest Soylent processing plant. I will round up the news with you, but only if you promise it won’t undermine your productivity, aka the only value you possess, you worthless serf.
(Yes indeed, this post can be found, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/100000-human-capital-stock-units-have-perished-you-are-permitted-a-5-minute-grief-break/)
Yes, we are all simply cattle to Shart House economic advisor Kevin Hassett, who really put a human face on the Turdmaggot Administration’s controversial Into the Meatgrinder With Ya, Pleb reopening strategy. It’s still adorable, if horrifying, that these clowns really imagine we’re going to die for their bank accounts.
Far be it from me to offer Team Treasonweasel advice, but maybe this particular moment in time, when your lethal incompetence is a massive, inescapable mound of raw, unprocessed dumbassery blocking out the very fucking sun, is not the appropriate point to be musing about conducting the first new nuclear weapons tests since 1992. I feel obligated to remind you twerps that you had real difficulties pulling off the goddamn White House Easter Egg Roll, so maybe leave the nukes alone until the grown-ups take over next January. If Wee Don wants to see ‘splosions so bad, he can fucking well rent Con Air.
Pornhub reports that traffic to videos of people fucking is way down, because America is instead jerkin’ it to the Entirely Deserved, Dignity-Annihilating Downfall of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. Jeff finds himself in the tragicomic role of Frankenbigot, helpless as the monster he created (well, endorsed and normalized, anyhow) ends his career and burns his legacy to so much hillbilly ash. Very few people bear as much responsibility for the raging turdnado that’s tearing through America as you do, Beau, and I hope the rest of your life is filled with hemorrhoids and paper cuts.
While an overwhelming majority of Americans support the mask-wearin’, social-distancin’ sacrifices necessary to contain the coronavirus (out of a desire to stay alive, and help others stay alive, which is partisan now, yay us), it’s the bleating nutjobs who snag all the headlines. Kentucky managed to round up the real crème de la outhouse of the Loser Terrorist crowd, who gathered in Frankfort to hang an effigy of Governor Andy Beshear from a tree, because they are terrorists and losers but mostly losers. My inner Chuck Todd* doesn’t want to take sides, but shitty white boys with lynching fantasies are cordially invited to gargle my ballsweat.
Bad news, Resisters...I know we’ve all been counting on framing the 2020 election as a referendum on the Marmalade Shartcannon’s myriad murderous failures, but now that the lead issue driving swing voters is a conspiracy theory about Morning Joe Scarborough murdering an intern a few years ago, I fear a second Turd Term is all but assured. Under normal circumstances, the shattered economy and astronomical unemployment rate would be significant, likely even dominating factors, but alas, I fear we are all bound for Scarborough Fair now, having been outwitted by the finest strategic mind this side of the leftover cheese dip you forgot about in the back of the fridge.
All of this is obviously very traumatizing for the deceased woman’s family, who will now be terrorized for the rest of their lives by rabid conspiracy theorists, like Seth Rich’s parents before them, to say nothing of Sandy Hook families. None of this matters to the Sociopath-in-Chief, of course, who would happily swap the misery of a few peasant strangers for a momentary distraction from his colossal fuckups.
Confident that he’d taken that whole re-election thing off the table with his wily ploy, Dorito Mussolini spent Memorial Day weekend shitposting like a meth-addled 4chan denizen and golfing like Nero Only Dumber and Less Talented. Big shout-out to Dr. Deborah Birx, I’m sure it’s just a dream come true to see your lifetime of expertise repurposed as a shield to allow a septuagenarian toddler to claim a little extra recess time.
And I see President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster is now flinging poo at North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper over the Republican National Convention, still inexplicably scheduled for August, on the “everything will be fine because reasons” theory of pandemic-fighting. Cooper is understandably concerned about opening Disneyworld Only for COVID-19 in his state, but you really couldn’t dig a mass grave large enough for the crowd Hairplug Himmler would happily condemn to death for the sugar rush of just one more Klan rally.
Naturally, numerous Republijag governors are now tripping over one another to host this human sacrifice demolition derby, valuing the fleeting approval of a rapidly-deteriorating narcissist who can neither write nor speak his native tongue over the lives of their own constituents. It’s like a game show where contestants compete for suffering, grief, and granite for tombstones.
Meanwhile, Presumably-Smilin’-But-We-Can’t-Tell-Cuz-He’s-Wearing-a-Mask Joe Biden has been proclaimed a sissy, a cuck, and an all-around girlyman by Strawberry Shartcake and his sad little cult of toxic-and-also-not-even-remotely-masculine masculinity. The source of Joe’s fatal wussiness is of course his insufferably prissy mask-wearing, because everybody knows real men don’t model safe, healthy behavior, they lick the insides of medical waste receptacles behind hospitals overwhelmed with coronavirus cases. I feel like Evolution is about to sit Dirtbag Machismo down for a long hard talk.
I see the Karenest Karen that ever Karened did the Karenest thing ever in the entire history of Karendom, committing attempted murder-by-cop against a black man who simply asked her to obey publicly-posted leash laws. Well Amy Cooper, that shitty, shitty thing you did cost you your job and your dog, but hey, at least you’re famous now.
And of course we passed the gruesome 100,000 COVID-19 deaths milestone this morning, prompting Donnie Deathcult to congratulate himself on all the fabulous presidenting he’s done this year, like a child demanding critical acclaim for the mural he smeared on the living room walls using his own diaper as a palette. He keeps trying to use the Obama/Biden response to H1N1 as a cudgel, somehow failing to understand that the comparison makes him look like a melted-in-the-microwave My Little Pony doll next to a couple of thoroughbreds.
Out of an abundance of concern for Bill at the Abject Horror Desk’s mental health during quarantine, I’m moving him off the Abject Horror Desk and into the newly-created Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau. Over to you, Bill!
Bill at the Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau: Thanks, Cap! This is so much nicer. Bigger office, too! Will I get a raise, you think?
Cap: Sorry, Bill, you don’t even exist. You’re just a device I use from time to time in my blog.
Bill at the Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau: So, no then? That’s okay, because I’ve got some Desperately-Needed Good News™️! Hey, remember back when Florida Republicans tried to work around an insanely popular ballot measure reenfranchising felons by imposing an unconstitutional poll tax? Well, it turns out unconstitutional shit can get struck down by a federal judge, just like my 7th grade civics textbook said! While the poll tax is no longer on the books, I am told it is enjoying its new home, up Ron DeSantis’ cheap authoritarian ass.
An intriguing rift arose in America’s most destructive marriage today, as Twitter slapped one of Fat Q*Bert’s lying anti-vote-by-mail posts with a big ol’ honkin’ fact check. Ruh roh, Shart-Shart, if you don’t have your disinformation platform, you’re just a confused, butthole-mouthed, old nitwit who doesn’t know how to dress himself.
Sigh. Even on a holiday weekend, these creeps can’t leave a poor put-upon chronicler alone. If it wasn’t for the beer, I’d be quite mad by now.
*I don’t really have an inner Chuck Todd, promise. Or at least, I better not. I didn’t order one.
This Week's News Has Been All Coronavirus and Buttholes, & I Am Very Tired (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, it was nice out today, so I got to write on the back porch, which is 15 feet from my bedroom, instead of in the living room, which is 10 feet from my bedroom, so it’s been pretty fucking thrilling over here, I may need to take some sort of rest cure to calm my nerves after all this excitement. Anyway, let’s see what exotic delights the news had in store for us this week...
(As usual, this post can be found WITH nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/this-weeks-news-has-been-all-coronavirus-and-buttholes-i-am-very-tired/)
Weehands McNodick is a man of many fears. Powerful women. The truth about his (lack of) personal wealth becoming public. Stairs. But nothing, absolutely nothing sends beads of terror sweat running through his sherbet-tinged cake makeup as the thought of the American people voting in a free and fair election this November. Which is why he threw a tiny tyrant tantrum, threatening to withhold coronavirus aid from Michigan and Nevada over their expansion of mail-in voting, because Republicans want to make it difficult, even deadly, for us to exercise our right to fire their corrupt asses. Terrorizing swing state voters during a pandemic is some super-advanced campaign tactic that I’m just too slow and simple to understand, probably.
(The frosting on this particular cupcake was that Michigan had already received the aid in question, so Fat Q*Bert was basically trying to menacingly brandish a Wiffle bat.)
Bad news for the Bill Kristols of the world, with their dreams of restoring the GOP to the more civilized time when the rabid mob knew their place and the party served the whims of wealthy white dudes who gathered in drawing rooms to smoke cigars, drink brandy, and chuckle politely at racist jokes; the Oregon Republican Senate primary has been won by Jo Rae Perkins , a card-carrying Qnatic, not that they carry cards, maybe handkerchiefs soaked in pigeon blood and their own frothy excretions, who the fuck knows what these deeply insane people carry THE POINT IS one of them is a fucking Senate nominee now. Her campaign tried to walk back her pledge of allegiance to the terrorism-linked dipshit cult, but no, Jo Rae wanted it known that she is indeed nuttier than squirrel poop, and will not, if elected, behave like a rational human being. Anyway, my condolences, Bill, and fuck you for your role in all this.
Anyhow, our once and future foes, the charming NeverTrump assholes over at the Lincoln Project, released a new ad, taunting Tangerine Idi Amin for the way campaign manager/fecal remora Brad Parscale has latched onto his ass and engorged himself on the scraps from the no-doubt-overflowing-with-cold-cheeseburgers-and-stale-french-fries table. I dunno, fellas, is there even any more room under that spraytan-lotion-saturated skin?
Lindsey Graham is, of course, an absolutely wretched Senator, having betrayed his every oath and principle, but in his role as the Candycorn Skidmark’s loyal authoritarian lapdog, one could plausibly argue he is a Very Good Boy. Certainly he deserves at least a treat and a lil’ scratch behind the ears for preparing the Senate Judiciary Committee to harass who knows how many totally innocent people in order to help “Obamagate” grow from a silly hashtag into a full-blown silly conspiracy theory. Awwww...who’s destroying American democracy for a cheap gangster? YOU are, Lindsey, YOU are!
Still, there looks to be some competition for that coveted spot at the foot of Donnie Dotard’s bed, as Wealthy Wisconsin Thumb-in-a-Wig Ron Johnson is already abusing the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs gavel to pass out subpoenas related to that long-ago debunked Burisma nonsense. Maybe these clowns can exhume J. Caleb Boggs, ask him what failed tactics he deployed when Smilin’ Joe Biden beat his ass in his first Senate race back in 1972.
Getting back to Obamagate for a moment, it turns out Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn’s was never actually masked in the transcripts in question in the first place, so we know he’s still a shitty little traitor, he’s just not the Hamburgler. Obamagate sure is fake as fuck though.
The always-classy Turdmaggot Administration decided to tell the brave servicepeople of the National Guard, “Hey, thanks so much for risking your lives during the whole ‘pandemic’ thing, as a reward, we’re cutting off your deployments exactly one day before you’d become eligible for retirement benefits, MAGA!” I find it’s kinda fun to imagine the riotous laughter from the rank-and-file armed forces if he tried to pull a military coup to stay in power.
And President Gas Station Urinal Cake pulled the United States out of the Open Skies Treaty, because hey, he’s on the clock, and there’re only a few months left to fuck up America as much as possible. Dumbass imagines he’s gonna negotiate a better deal, apparently having failed to notice that despite dozens of such promises, he hasn’t successfully negotiated shit in 3 1/2 years COUGHCOUGHNORTHKOREA.
Transportation Secretary/Testudine Bride Elaine Chao thought it was unfair that her department was still saddled with an independent inspector general when all the other capos, excuse me, “cabinet secretaries” got loyal stooges. Strawberry Shartcake figured there’s always room for one more during a good purge, and thus yet another investigation into yet another corrupt official disappears into thin air. Serving in the Turdworm Administration may require the sacrifice of all dignity and decency, but you have to admit, the benefits package is excellent.
Well looka here, it appears that just as Kelly Loeffler’s insider trading scandal was frolicking through the nation’s headlines, her wannabe oligarch husband made a big fat donation to a pro-Crotchrash super PAC, what an odd coincidence! Pretty awesome that you can apparently buy your way into the U.S. Senate, use your perch to corruptly enrich yourself further, and then dole out a share of your illicit gains to buy your way out of trouble. That’s a really good system sure to produce good governance, don’tcha think?
Lately we’ve been so focused on the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he is murderously incompetent that we’ve forgotten about the importance of defeating Donald Trump because he’s a white supremacist piece of shit, but the Shartcannon himself provided us a helpful reminder, musing on the superior “bloodlines” of famed anti-Semite Henry Ford, who I believe had something to do with automobiles in addition to all the Nazi sympathizing. This reminds me that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops firmly believes his own genetics to be superior, in spite of his lifetime of failure, brain so feeble as to be thwarted by umbrellas, and silly little butthole mouth. Your genes are trash, old man. Look at your devolved fucking sons.
I see Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo has been jetting around the world on the taxpayer dime, courting Republijag donors ahead of a planned future run to reinstall treason and mendacity in the White House after four years of Joe Biden steam-cleaning the joint. It’s actually kind of adorable that Mikey imagines people will vote for a snarling, charisma-free lump of petty resentments. You’re Trump without the razzle-dazzle, bro, which makes you nothing but the kind of creepy old dude people ask to stay away from parks where children hang out.
Fun little deep dive in the Failing New York Times about how difficult it is to give the Adderall-Addled Assclown his intelligence briefings on account of how he’s a fucking moron. I particularly enjoyed the part where he tells experienced professionals with access to the most sophisticated intelligence-gathering operation in history to piss off because he heard something different from a retired golfer. In hindsight, it’s kind of a shame he didn’t know any retired golfers who thought letting a virus spread unimpeded for weeks while doing fucking nothing at all was a bad idea.
The Velveeta Vulgarian picked a Twitter fight with Michigan's Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State, because he is a cripplingly insecure manchild who is terrified of intelligent, powerful, women, and then proceeded to rapidly lose that fight in humiliating fashion, because he is an idiot who does not brain good.
Yet another study reveals Shart Garfunkel’s favorite snake oil, hydroxychloroquine, to be less of a “cure for coronavirus” than a “thing that will kill you if you take it to treat coronavirus.” Now, the rule of threes very clearly states that, after this one and BleachIsPartOfABalancedDietGate, Littlefinger will offer up one final moronically lethal solution to his devoted cult before the pandemic passes. Like, “swallow broken glass in order to make a little bottle in your tummy where you can trap the virus,” probably.
Well, Team Shart has a brand new turd blossom, as Ratfucker Sellout Karl Rove is now apparently advising the Committee to Re-elect the Taintfungus, because they keep a very powerful butthole-attracting magnet in the office, I assume. Seriously, there are hotdog factories with fewer buttholes than that campaign.
And now Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, desperate to stop the polling hemorrhaging brought on by his catastrophic covid fuckups, wants to overrule governors and reopen houses of worship right away, public safety be damned. Attempted authoritarian power grab notwithstanding, it is certainly a novel strategy to head down the stretch towards November pursuing policies that will disproportionately kill off large numbers of your own political base. Like, when Jim Jones passed out the Kool-Aid, he didn’t expect the crew to keep doing his yard work afterwards.
I see Substitute Sarah Slanders Kayleigh McEnany gave away her shitsack boss’ bank account and routing numbers on live television this afternoon. Somebody should make a movie and call it “Idiocracy” or something.
Yeah, we’re havin’ a normal one, as the kids say. I guess it’s a three day weekend coming up, assuming time still matters at all, which I personally cannot vouch for. Anyway, coming in 2021 will be the SNYDER CUT of this blog post. It’s going to be much longer, and, y’know, awful.
On Propaganda, Portraits, Poison and...Potatoes? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, things’ve been kinda rough lately, I won’t deny it. So I asked the orderly to loosen my straitjacket a little and maybe throw some hallucinogens in with my regular meds, and now I figure I’m good for at least another six weeks of quarantine, here in the Unitedish States of Asylum. Enough prologue! The news awaits!
(And yeah, if you want this post in living color, with nifty news links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/on-propaganda-portraits-poison-and-potatoes/)
So I think we’re on Friday Night Massacre IV: Massacre in Space! by now, as the Adderall-Addled Assclown decided that the State Department inspector general was getting a little too close to revealing Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo’s many misdeeds, and once again, nice work to whoever wrote the law allowing the crooks to fire the cops, that was some A+ thinking, pal. Anyway, seems our resident theocrat has been engaging in a wide range of criminal activities, from the petty (forcing staff to run personal errands) to the global (billions in illegal arms sales to the journalist-dismembering Saudi regime). In addition, had the IG been given time to properly investigate the Case of Who Keeps Microwaving Fish in the Foggy Bottom Break Room, well, I think we all know how that one would’ve turned out.
The fetid, oozing, pustules that pass for genes in the Trump family have been on full display lately, through the contemptible antics of President Crotchrot’s dirtbag sons. Turdwaffle, Jr. decided it would be fun to accuse Joe “Frontrunner” Biden of being a pedophile, before passing a jolly evening flipping through old photo albums of his scumfuck father partying with Jeffrey Epstein. Meanwhile, Eric mouth-shat some drivel about the coronavirus being a Democratic “hoax” designed to cheat Daddy of his precious Klan rallies, and heck, maybe just this once we should give the kid what he wants for Xmas, if only to compensate for the loveless childhood and malfunctioning brain.
Alaska Republican state rep Ben Carpenter isn’t the sort of fellow who’ll let others crap all over a departed third party who can’t even defend himself, which is why he apparently felt the need to ride gallantly to the rescue of...Adolph Hitler. “People want to say Hitler was a white supremacist. No!” protested Carpenter, as though the shitbag behind the Holocaust might be getting an unfair bad rap. Now, I’m not usually the advice-giving type, but lemme just say this: if you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, you should not do that. Actually, that’s not quite right. If you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, find the nearest public restroom, open all the stalls until you find the nastiest unflushed toilet in the joint, and stick your head in it until you drown. Just my two cents.
Trumpism is all about fooling some of the people all of the time, and thus, various Republijags waddled out onto the Sunday Shoz to enthusiastically regurgitate long-ago debunked propaganda, hoping that there are once again juuuust enough dipshit rubes in the Rust Belt to plunge America into four long years of corruption, failure, and hate. Ron Johnson proclaimed the entire Russia scandal to be the fakest of nooz, and I’m proud to say I am not yet so numb to the past few years’ atrocities that it isn’t still shocking to me, watching a sitting Senator side with a hostile foreign power that attacked the United States.
And Alex Azar no doubt scored some points with his Farthuffin’ Fascist boss, blaming the disproportionately African-American victims of COVID-19 for their own deaths, probably because there’s a cat poster in the room where the Cabinet meets that says, “Never forget: there’s ALWAYS a way to make shit racister, kids!” Peter Navarro claimed Hunter Biden got a billion dollars from the Chinese government, but asked if they could give it to him in dead babies instead of cash. Wilbur Ross says he saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. These people are clowns.
Bilious Billy Barr may be on the hot seat after announcing he doesn’t see himself giving in to the inevitable wave of LOCK HIM UP chants targeting the 44th and 46th Presidents of the United States, Barack Obama and Smilin’ Joe Biden. The Redactor General went to say that “the criminal justice system will not be used for partisan political ends” on his watch, a statement which our fact checkers rated HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU’RE SHITTING ME HE REALLY SAID THAT? AND DIDN’T GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!!
Speaking of Obama, he gave a lovely, uplifting graduation speech last weekend, a much-needed breath of decency and inspiration for these dark days. Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse delivered a sort of unofficial Republican response, and it was...yikes, awwwwwkward. Sasse, whose desire to be president himself someday has, like most of his Republican colleagues, led to a total abandonment of all pre-existing principles in this Age of Shart, decided to take his inner dotard out for a test drive, with an eye on inheriting Cult45 from its current Turd Emperor somewhere down the line. Watching once-dignified conservative officials clumsily attempt to reinvent themselves as shitty insult comics will be amusing in days to come, anyhow.
My my my, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp sure is a tricksy one, isn’t he? Having already used every voter suppression tactic in the bag to slither into office in the first place, now he’s figured out a skeezy little scam to steal a seat on the state Supreme Court for a couple of years, without having to worry about what those pesky voters want. And hey, in two years, there might not be an electorate in Georgia, since Kemp and co. have also been doctoring coronavirus numbers in their effort to trick their constituents into sacrificing themselves for the economy. Don’t enter into any real estate partnerships with Brian Kemp, is all I’m saying.
Unsatisfied with the death toll (rolling steadily along towards a gruesome 100,000 now) bought with his incomligence*, the Velveeta Vulgarian returned to an old favorite, pimping the ineffective-and-indeed-dangerous malaria drug hydroxychloroquine as a COVID cure-all, claiming he washes one down every day with his morning glass of Lysol. Nancy Pelosi reminded him that, due to his age and general fatfuckitude, he is particularly at risk for the drug’s potentially lethal side effects, and America was all, “that was a sick burn, Nancy, but shhhhhhh let the bastard poison himself!”
And yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is still throwing tantrums at the World Heath Organization, threatening to permanently pull U.S. funding (adorable that he thinks he can do anything “permanently,” isn’t it?), because he wants a target to blame, as political cover for his murderous bungling, more than he wants a vaccine that would save millions of lives. In hindsight, I don’t think that private e-mail server was as big a deal as it was made out to be, y’know?
The Manchurian Manchild is so pathetic, so insecure, so utterly, infinitesimally small, that he has hired Russia hookers to piss on 40 years of tradition, refusing to host a ceremony unveiling his predecessor’s official presidential portrait. In fairness, if I were a pudding-brained, butthole-mouthed, tiny-fisted, turd-gargling lout like Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I suck.”), I probably wouldn’t welcome the side-by-side comparison with a much better man either. When the time comes, I assume Diamond Joe will be gracious enough to display Littlefinger’s likeness, which I anticipate will be finger-painted by an imprisoned white supremacist working in the medium of his own smeared feces, inside the White House’s most presidential dumpster.
Well, Comrades, our years of sinister planning have finally paid off, and Operation: Jade Helm 2 - Spud Hawk Down is a GO! Though Hairplug Himmler has finally uncovered our dastardly plot to storm Virginia’s newly-unguarded potato fields, it shall avail him naught, for Agent Ralph Northam has successfully stolen the second amendment and disarmed the once-formidable Tuber Militias BWAH HAH HAH!
The Shart Administration declassified an old Susan Rice memo proving once again that "Obamagate" was just the previous administration behaving rationally, legally, and appropriately, which I guess must seem scandalous to a crooked cabal that spends its days trying to steal anything that’s not nailed down. “My god, they actually tried to serve the PEOPLE rather than themselves,” said Steve Mnuchin in a hushed whisper, as Ben Carson fainted in disbelief.
Ok friends, that’s all I got. I know it isn’t necessary to say this, but don’t swallow anything poisonous, no matter what the most powerful people in the world say. Stay safe, Resisters. (Seriously, don’t drink poison. Bye!)
*That’s “incompetence” plus “negligence.” My blog, my rules.
Shower Cap's Super Duper Pooper Scooper Roundup of Another Week in Hell (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, friends, I was worried for a moment that I was experiencing symptoms of somethin’ sorta serious, but then I remembered that my throat was only sore from screaming YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME at the news all day, and my headache was likely the result of pounding my forehead against the wall in reaction to the latest idiocy, so I think I’m safe for now. So come, scream along with me!
(You want this post WITH nifty news links? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/shower-caps-super-duper-pooper-scooper-roundup-of-another-week-in-hell/)
Hey look, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster, in a criminal act of such extreme lunacy and malice as would have ended most previous presidencies altogether, baselessly accused a political critic, Mornin’ Joe Scarborough, of murder, and not only wasn’t it headline news, you’ll have forgotten about it completely by the end of this post.
With coronavirus outbreaks ravaging prisons around the world, you’ll no doubt be delighted to learn Punchable Paul Manafort has been released to the safety of home confinement, to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the company of his beloved, hideous, ostrich jacket. I guess it was too much to hope that a wealthy white dude would actually be punished for committing multiple felonies, and, y’know...betraying his nation and all.
The Grand Wizard Grifter has been pressuring the CDC to undercount coronavirus deaths, blissfully deluding himself that this clusterfuck isn’t already miles past the point where he can spin the results as evidence of his mega-awesome leadership skillz. Old man, you’re trying to stuff the cat back into the bag, but the bag has since been filled with THE BODIES OF AMERICANS WHO DIED FROM COVID-19 BECAUSE YOU ARE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
Iowa Nazi Steve King claims the House GOP is about to reverse his banishment from his old committee assignments, so that he can run for re-election as an actual Congressman and not just an unusually tacky ornamental paperweight. Kevin McCarthy denies this, proving the GOP has zero tolerance for such hateful rhetoric ASTERISK unless you occupy a high enough office to turn that rhetoric into white nationalist policy.
And Jared Kushner took a little break from causing the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans with his murderously incompetent/negligent (incomligent?) coronavirus response to casually toy with the idea of personally postponing the 2020 election, that America might remain his ill-maintained plaything indefinitely, will of the peasants be damned. Jar-Jar remains a walking caricature, a spoiled little rich kid, psychotically exalting in his power to pull the wings off of flies. The flies will be voting soon enough, little fellah; better start googling movers.
Speaking of the ever-growing legion of coronaghosts who will be haunting Kushner for the rest of his life and beyond, seems Kid Nepotism actually discouraged his Dotard-in-Law from ramping up testing, as recently as March, because he didn’t want to “spook the markets.” Obviously, the plan to do nothing while the virus spread worked wonders for the economy, as the 30 million newly unemployed will happily tell Jared straight to his weasel face, should he deign to walk among the serfs some sunny afternoon.
Republicans are really trying hard to make Obamagate happen, even though Obamagate isn’t gonna happen. (Unmasking is a big fucking deal in the world of lucha libre, but in the context of U.S. government officials with high-level security clearances? Not so much.) To be fair, if I were responsible for nearly 90,000 unnecessary deaths (and counting) and double-digit unemployment, I’d rather talk about totally made-up shit too. But I’d make it FUN made-up shit, like “Joe Biden wants to feed America’s precious livestock to griffins, the bastard. You gonna vote for a griffin-lover?”
Mike Flynn, you might wanna hold off on sending out those invitations for your They Corrupted the Entire American Justice System So I Could Walk Free party, Judge Emmet Sullivan wants to have a few words with you, words like “perjury” and “contempt.” At the very least, order a big enough sandwich tray to feed the authors of all the “friend of the court” briefs that’re coming, as well as the retired judge Sullivan appointed to probe Bilious Billy Barr’s belligerent bullshit.
Let’s check in with the rest of Th’Best People™️ real quick, shall we? I see Sharty McFly’s nominee to lead the U.S. Agency for Global Media is under investigation for skimming from his non-profit (no wonder Littlefinger likes him so much). And then there’s campaign aide Jenna Ellis, and her freshly-unearthed history of odious homophobia. Yuck. I suppose when you’re a white supremacist hate cult/crime ring/shitty ballcap wholesaler, these really ARE the best people you can come up with.
At the behest of the Koch puppets in the Wisconsin legislature, the Koch puppets on the Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned Governor Tony Evers’ stay-at-home order, and please excuse me for a moment, I have to call my stockbroker to tell her to move everything into Madison-area funeral homes and Sheboygan coffin manufacturers. Many Cheeseheads rushed straight to the bars to celebrate their great victory over Common Fucking Sense, toasting their own future diagnoses and deaths.
The way they’ve been behaving lately, you can’t help but assume the entire platform of of the Wisconsin GOP is a single plank, a literal 2x4, rotted and rank, with “There Are Too Damn Many People Alive in This State” painted on it in human blood.
Famed Insider Trader Richard Burr is surely peevish tonight, having learned the hard way that while you can’t get served in a restaurant anymore you can still get served a warrant...by the FBI! Plus they make you tip your whole dang cellphone! And for dessert, you have to step down from your post as Okay, y’know what? This is a bad gag. It doesn’t really work, but I committed to it, and now we’re all stuck with it. Frankly, we should all just be thankful I didn’t say anything like “would you like a side order of JUSTICE with that, Dick?”
Now, Burr is clearly a profiteering crook who has no business wielding the power of Starbucks shift manager, let alone a U.S. Senator, but as proud residents of a onetime superpower currently circling the drain of banana-republicdom, we can’t help but wonder if he’s facing not justice for his crimes, but retaliation for his work as Senate Intel chair. Ain’t no FBI agents seizing Kelly Loeffler’s phone, is all I’m sayin’.
A little while back, a court threw out an Emoluments Clause lawsuit against the Velveeta Vulgarian, a rare blemish on his record as the Michael Jordan of Losing Court. Ah, but defeat has been snatched from the jaws of victory, as the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals revived the case. Truly he is the GOAT...at losing in court.
For anybody looking for a whistleblower with a little more urgency, and, dare I say SASS than earlier, anonymous models, Dr. Rick Bright is your huckleberry. Rick told Congress some of the most horrifying shit I’ve ever heard, basically that instead of a coherent strategy to fight the coronavirus, we have a series of thumbs stuck up a series of random, often unrelated asses. Bright’s testimony reminded us that the mouth-breathing nitwit crooks running our country have no fucking idea what they’re doing, and don’t particularly care; the whole plan is still, after all this carnage, Wait For It To Go Away On Its Own*.
‘Course, some culture warriors don’t wanna wait for the miracle, they demand their freedumb right freakin’ now. Take for example the New York barber who refused to bow to the tyranny of the common good, and kept his shop illicitly open, a sort of Speakeasy Salon, only they served COVID-19 instead of moonshine. Naturally, the dude contracted coronavirus and spread it to God knows how many others. Let’s hope he’s held legally responsible for any harm he’s caused. And also that his dick falls off. It’s only fair.
And of course Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick remains (blood)thirsty to shove you out the door and into coronavirus mosh pits, excuse me, “sports stadiums,” but only after legally waiving your right to hold your corporate overlords accountable for endangering your life, of course. It’s REALLY important to Dan that a bunch of us die. I think that’s weird.
Well well well...seems Mitch McConnell was forced, on Fux Nooz of all outlets, to admit he lied about the Obama administration failing to leave a pandemic playbook for their inept dolt successors. It turns out watching Wrinkly Gamera admit defeat is...addictive. I want more. I want a camera on him as Senate seat after Senate seat flips from red to blue this November, as his treasonous cronies get fired, one by after another. Tillis. McSally. Gardner. Collins. Inject it into my fucking veins.
The Republican-controlled Michigan legislature surrendered to a tiny wad of shitty white boy terrorists, canceling a planned session, out of cowardice and, probably, kinship. Y’know, somebody needs to tell these overarmed toddlers it’s God, not Gretchen Whitmer, who passed out the micropenises.
Smilin’ Joe Biden promised he won’t pardon Tangerine Idi Amin, and will, in fact, periodically visit the skeezy creep in prison, to throw nickels at his little butthole face. As President, Joe will possess the power to skip ahead of the miles-long lines to throw nickels at Donald Trump’s little butthole face in prison. Pro tip: you’re gonna wanna bring your own nickels, cuz they'll totally run out.
Betsy DeVos is using loopholes to shovel million of coronavirus stimulus dollars towards private religious schools as part of her ongoing quest to make America’s youth just as stupid and mean as Betsy DeVos, only with fewer yachts. You can’t take your eye off these maniacs for one fucking minute.
BREAKING: Florida GOP CongressDolt Ted Yoho is really, really, really, really, REALLY fucking dumb.
...but I suppose a third-grade intellect is a boon in party headed by a cud-brained, pants-shitting doofus who spent his day not battling the coronavirus outbreak, but unveiling what he calls...and it’s embarrassing to even type it, the way it’s cringey to say “I’d like the Moons Over My Hammy” out loud at a Denny’s...the “super duper missile.” (A lesser man would’ve settled for a mere super missile, you see.) Regrettably, North Korea is already testing the Super Duper Missile Times Ten, so I fear we’re falling behind the curve.
Hey, remember that time Dorito Mussolini said Joe Scarborough probably murdered somebody? Toldja.
There’s more, of course. Donnie Dotard lied about some protesters, and got blackmailed by hackers, and probably flung poo at some reporter, but I need to run from this fucking week like it’s a burning sardine cannery, into the sweet, loving embrace of the weekend. Stay safe, see y’all soon.
*I am perhaps being unfair. Shart House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany unveiled a new, comprehensive coronavirus plan today, consisting of a Shiny Binder No One Is Allowed to Open. If viruses had knees, surely corona’s would be knocking right now.
Obamagate and Other Shitty Fairy Tales (Ferret/Shower Cap)
To fend off the boredom, I’ve purchased a small container of little green army men. I set ‘em up on a table, and I pretend they’re armed wingnuts, protesting stay-at-home orders. Then I pretend one of them has asymptomatic COVID-19, and I move him through the crowd, snickering to myself. In a week or so, I’ll start burying them, one by one, in the back yard. Yeah, I’m handling quarantine well. Anyhow, the news:
(And yeah, as always, you can find this post in living color, with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/obamagate-and-other-shitty-fairly-tales/)
With the publicly-acknowledged coronavirus death toll blowing past 80,000 and the actual body count almost certainly much higher, the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days re-tweeting conspiracy theories from Qnatic accounts, and using his bully pulpit to advertise his shitty golf courses. Stock up on canned goods, cuz we’re gonna be sheltering in place for awhile yet, is all I’m saying.
You’ve probably noticed the Velveeta Vulgarian pimping One America News lately, as an alternative outlet for the discerning MAGAt who finds the racist propaganda blatherings of Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham insufficiently batshitty. Following their latest “exposé” linking the pandemic to a massive conspiracy involving George Soros, China, the WHO, The Who, Bill Gates, the Clintons, the Trix Rabbit, Parliament-Funkadelic, and Carmen Sandiego, there can certainly be no complaints that their audience is underserved, lunacy-wise. Lordy. I bet the cafeteria at OAN sells nothing Bigfoot meat seasoned with chemtrail dust served in a little upside-down tinfoil hat.
Hang another ornament on the All the Ways the Shart Administration Fucked Up the Coronavirus Response tree, though it already sags under its burden, for we have learned that HHS actually TURNED DOWN an offer from a private company to manufacture millions of N95 masks, the kind that might have saved the lives of some of the medical professionals who died from COVID-19 due to the lack of sufficient PPE. Just...turned down the offer. “Nope, we’ll take the senseless, preventable deaths, but thanks for callin’!”
Look out, Obamagate is here and it’s going to take the Democratic Party down...just as soon as we figure out what the fuck it is! Taking his instinct for branding over substance to new heights, the Yammerin’ Yam accidentally put the hashtag before the scandal, and couldn’t even bullshit his way through a single answer when a reporter asked him just what the fuck he was blathering on about. Sigh. He doesn’t even TRY when he gaslights us anymore. I’m worried the magic has gone out of our relationship. Still, who needs an actual crime to accuse one’s predecessor of, when you have an army of rubes of bots to gleefully spread whatever turd happens to drop out of your mouth?
Amidst a coronavirus outbreak in the most secure office building on Earth (the roach-and-fascist-infested White House), with infections spreading through the Secret Service and even high-ranking aides, including Bride of Frankenbigot Katie Miller, Team Treasonweasel has finally implemented the very safety protocols, including regular testing and contact tracing, that they insist are mere frivolities for us peasant types, incidentally why aren’t you out there Dying for the Dow* right now?
Man, If this thing doesn’t off at least ONE of these bastards, I’m gonna be seriously let down. Like, Last Season of Game of Thrones let down. I mean, gimmie Larry Kudlow at the very least, who'll miss him?
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle is exempt from the Shart House mask requirement, of course, in light of the rapidly-congealing conventional wisdumb on the right that wearing a mask, aka “taking a simple, potentially life-saving precaution” is somehow “weak.” They even made a group of CEOs remove their masks before meeting with Mike “My Press Secretary Tested Positive” Pence. Cult45 really is sincerely convinced they can fight a culture war with a fucking virus, and we might just need to stay locked up on the sidelines until this shit plays out. Tell the beer vendor not to stray too far, I’m gonna need him.
It’s hard not to laugh at grown adults espousing this playground bully’s idea of toughness; as unimpressive as it seems to human beings, imagine how it looks from the virus’ point of view. Anyway, that all-important projection of strength gets a wee bit undermined when the doddering old twit flees in terror from a lady reporter armed with nothing save entirely reasonable questions.
Yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, undaunted by the stinging memory of EverybodyMainlineLysolGate, resurrected the Daily Propaganda Spew on Monday, I guess because he missed humiliating himself on live television. I think he honestly believes his feeble “mission accomplished” proclamations will fool folks, probably because Got Your Nose worked on Eric as recently as last Thanksgiving. Anyway, CBS’ Weijia Jiang called him out for his casual racism, and then he panicked and called on Kaitlan Collins from CNN and then he panicked even harder and scampered away before the cameras could pick up his visibly-swelling adult diaper. I have never seen a weaker, more pathetic man in all my days.
Redactor General William Barr’s bullshit rationale for dismissing the case against Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn has rapidly dissolved into an aerosol-thin cloud of bullshit mist, revealed as disingenuous spin, just like his shitty dirtbag “summary” of the Mueller report. Of course, since Bilgy Bill finds himself in a “history is written by the winners, come and get me, cucks!” sort of headspace these days, it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t exactly shamed by his reputation as the willing enabler of our would-be führer. I for one really really really don’t want Barr writing the history of these dark days; for starters his prose style is dreary and pedestrian, and then of course there’s the fascism.
...still, the Flynn case may not be quite dead just yet...
Mitch McConnell operates essentially the same way Bilious Billy Barr does; he’ll giddily abuse whatever power he’s given, and delight in the time you waste poking holes in the nonsensical explanations he offers in the aftermath. It’s the power that matters; the excuses are just theatre. So when he stops just short of calling Barack Obama “uppity,” or belches up lies about the previous administration leaving Team Shitstain a dog-eared lingerie catalog instead of a pandemic playbook, don’t waste your emotional energy getting mad, that’s just what he wants. Redirect your efforts into sending him home, or at the very least to the minority. Flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his life’s work. Laugh last.
A big part of the Republican “strategy” for tricking the American people into returning to unsafe working conditions so that the DeVos family doesn’t need to worry about opening up one of their yachts to boarders involves hiding the truth from us, like maybe if you plant posies on the mass graves nobody will notice the tombstones. Whether it’s Ron DeSantis covering up Florida’s death toll, or his Arizona counterpart, Doug Ducey, defenestrating the scientists who kept delivering news he didn’t want to hear, or even the federal government burying its own report showing an increase in COVID-19 cases throughout the country, these clowns won’t rest until they’re passing off roadside corpse piles as a sculpture garden.
Fake Doctor Rand Paul threw a hissy fit at Actual Doctor Anthony Fauci during a Senate hearing, bellowing that he doesn’t understand why we should let a few dead children piss all over his stock portfolio, answer me that, Mr. Smartypants! Fauci reminded Paul that people’s lives actually matter, a fact that the Rand and his colleagues would like us all to forget, or at least ignore. The enduring mystery of Rand Paul is how he gets through life without being punched more.
And Jay Sekulow spent the morning begging the Supreme Court to elevate his scumfuck grifter boss permanently above the reach of the law, so I feel less guilty about many of my more questionable uses of time during quarantine, though admittedly reorganizing my underwear drawer by Most Interesting Restaurant I Ever Wore These To was perhaps a bit much.
Well, that seems to be more or less everything, so I suppose I’ll go back to my army men. Oh look, one of them has spread coronavirus to my X-Men action figures, how adorable!
*™️ Trump/Pence 2020
This Week in Hell: A Cacophonous, Discordant, Symphony of Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Another week trapped inside with nothing but the news to keep me company is like being locked in a pigs-feet-pickling factory that installed heat lamps for some reason. Boy, that is one clumsy-ass metaphor, but I’m worn out by this shit. Let’s plow through the news and get to our weekends, okay?
(And yeah, you can find this post, with nifty news links, on my humble site: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-a-cacophonous-discordant-symphony-of-buttholes/)
Look, from now on, every couple of days, there’s gonna be another story about Kelly Loeffler’s laughably-open corruption, you’re just going to have to get used to that. I’m sure when the inevitable “Georgia Senator proposes bill to sell retired bomb-sniffing dogs to Loeffler Family Puppy Millz, Inc. for ten cents each” story breaks, we won’t even blink.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott isn’t your typical science-denying Republican goon! He fully understands that reopening his state’s economy will lead to a significant increase in coronavirus deaths; he’s simply decided that those deaths are a price he’s willing (to make others) pay. Yes, he’s doing this even as Texas’ COVID-19 numbers continue to grow. It’s like these jerks have gotten so used to lying their way out of every problem, they’ve lost the ability to acknowledge, let alone deal with, objective reality. “Maybe tomorrow never comes” has been a garbage strategy since day one of this shitstorm, but somehow it’s the only arrow in the Republican quiver.
Because he’s so broken he refuses to model good, safe, behavior for even ten fucking minutes, Dr. Donnie Dotard refused to wear a mask during his visit to...a mask-making plant, since nothing about this debacle is allowed to be subtle. Naturally, he couldn’t help but lie after the fact and insist he really DID wear one, but all those fake gnus reporters just didn’t see it, like he snuck away from the press, put on the mask, danced in the corner a little, just for himself, took it off, and came back smugly snickering about his big secret.
Despite pushback from those in his inner circle with a few residual functioning brain cells, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster barreled forward with his lawsuit to destroy Obamacare, because if there’s one thing millions of Americans want, it’s to lose their health insurance right in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Populism is a machine that eats people and spits out tax cuts for billionaires, it would seem.
The very same political party that’s trying to steal folks’ health care has also announced at $20 million Curb Stomp Voting Rights Wherever We Possibly Can slush fund, as their devolution from an anti-choice, anti-worker, party into an anti-human-rights, anti-life-itself, death cult continues. You...you’re registered to vote this fall, right? Why don’t you go check. Seriously. I’ll be here when you get back.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor installed a loyalist donor as Postmaster General, likely with instructions to order workers to pee on all the Amazon packages to spite Jeff Bezos. One more wrecking ball stooge to keep our eye on, one more American institution we’ll have to fight like hell to save for the future. Oh well, we’ve been battling these fucks for three years, we know how it’s done.
So, the CDC put together a detailed report on how to safely reopen the economy, because saving American lives is sorta the CDC’s job. Naturally, the Die Plebs Die Administration tried to hide that document where it would never be found*, because they’re still hoping to trick us expendable dopes into frolicking through the coronavirus-laced streets and dying for the Dow. Me, I’m taking the money I’m not spending on lattes and baseball games and decorative gourds, and feeding it straight into the campaigns of these murdering clowns’ Democratic replacements.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag apparently has nothing better to do in an economy that’s drawing more and more Great Depression comparisons every day than to get into a Twitter spat with one William Bruce Rose, Jr., better known as Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses, proclaiming his superior patriotism with a Liberian flag emoji, in what sources assure me is, heaven help us all, real life. This has a very Jay-Gatsby-mud-wrestling-Liberace on the deck of the Titanic feel to it, no?
A new regular feature I’m considering is the Stochastic Terrorism Roundup (brought to you by MyPillow, the official pillow of Dumb Fucks Gettin’ Radicalized on the Internet). Let’s see...armed dickbag drove his SUV through a crowd of first responders? Yeah, that’s the act of a healthy mind. Oh, and an Oklahoma woman shot up a McDonald’s because she couldn’t consume her McHorsemeat in the dining room? Well, thank God we’ve preserved her second amendment right to throw murder tantrums.
Colorado Congressthug Ken Buck got caught attempting to pressure a state-level Republican official into illegally doctoring election results. Got caught on tape. It’s him. Case closed. Can’t seem to find a single Republican anywhere willing to muster even a half-assed, “golly, this should be looked into,” though. The party-wide consensus seems to be “of course we’re cheating to win, after fucking shit up this badly for this long, we certainly can’t leave our future in the hands of VOTERS! Those’re the people we’ve been getting killed!”
A Texas salon owner became the latest Kim Davis-y martyr for the cause of Freedumb, when she was briefly jailed for defying state orders and reopening her business, endangering the lives of her employees and customers. Naturally, Neutered Blowhard Ted Cruz had to fly down for a quick haircut/photo-op, because surely when one works their way up through Princeton and Harvard Law, even clerking for the Chief Justice of the whole dang Supreme Court, one dreams of spending one’s life groveling and pandering to the angriest idiots walking the face of the earth, hoping to win the temporary favor of their vile, bloated, Turd Emperor, aka the guy who publicly insulted your wife and father. You couldn’t pay me to be Ted Cruz.
Lead Buttpimple on the Committee to Re-Elect the Crotchfungus Brad Parscale compared his operation to the “Death Star” from the popular science fiction franchise “Star Wars,” which I assume means it’s a plot device that will be revisited over and over again until it becomes stale and meaningless. Anyway Bradkins, yes, the party we’re going to throw when your little scam finally explodes into a billion shitty pieces is absolutely going to be so fucking enormous as to require copious amounts of Ewok moonshine.
America got its hopes waaaaaay up when we learned a valet near Government Cheese Goebbels tested positive for COVID-19, but alas, Littlefinger appears to be uninfected for now. But maybe this is the last tantalizing tease before the writers decide to send ‘em home happy.
But then a Mikey Hairshirt staffer tested positive as well, so this sixth-grade-boy’s-idea-of-macho refusal to wear masks has led to basically all of the highest-ranking officials of the Poosquirt Administration getting exposed, which conveniently means we’re not obligated to mourn any of these unbelievable dumbasses. (The staffer in question seems to be Katie Miller, who recently joined ghost-of-an-Andersonville-prison-doctor Stephen Miller in unholy matrimony, and I’m certainly too dignified to make any comments about karma.) Anyway, there’s an outbreak in the most secure building on Earth now, but by all means let’s fill up the restaurants and stadiums and meat-packing plants.
In an effort to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s abuse of pardon power seem like the rule-of-law-shredding equivalent shoplifting a roll of Life Savers, Redactor General William Barr dropped the case against treasonous shitmaggot/former National Security Advisor Mike “the Turkish Delight.” Flynn. Yes, the case where Flynn pleaded guilty. Twice. This crooked cabal is claiming for itself the power to commit large, sinister, Straight Outta Frankenheimer federal crimes, without consequences.
Shit, y’all, this one is fucking BAD, even by current standards, a real contender for the eventual All Time Top Ten Anti-Democratic Outrages of the Turd Reich. But don’t let the bastards grind you down, friends...lord knows they’re trying to. We could certainly use a Jack Ryan or a James Bond or a Captain America to save us from these wannabe autocrats, but all we’ve got is us, and a rapidly-approaching election. It was enough in 2018, and it’ll be enough again this November. Tick tock, you buttsniffing weasels.
Hey, raise your hand if some otherwise-respected denizen of your social media feed shared that goddamn “plandemic” video this week. Yeah, these are dangerous times, with everyone trapped inside, wandering the world wide web for seemingly endless hours, and sadly, the rabbit holes and fever swamps aren’t usually marked with clear signage. Not to go all Smokey the Bear on you, but only YOU can prevent friends and family from descending into conspiracy-theory-spewing madness. Push back on that shit.
Well, the unemployment rate hit a who’s-ready-to-meet-the-21st-century-version-of-John-Steinbeck-esque 14.7%, and suddenly the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Who better to fix the economy than the drooling nitwit who smashed it to bits with a sledgehammer?” re-election pitch seems like a loser to me, but then, I rarely hang out in Appalachian diners, so what do I know?
Shart Garfunkel told Fux n’ Fiendz he “learned a lot from Richard Nixon,” and America wept to discover that it’s only Tricky Dick that’s managed to penetrate that lump of rotten nougat Trump calls his skull, and not Dr. Fauci, or any of the other qualified professionals trying save America from his delusional bumbling. Economics, epidemiology, basic human decency, all beyond him...but summa cum laude from the Nixon School for the Corrupt and Malicious. Awesome.
In super-comforting news today, the President of the United States, the fellow tasked with steering the ship of state through these tumultuous waters, does not seem to understand how one can not have a disease on one day, and then have it the next. That’s the level of abstract thinking that completely derails him. Holy fuck. Anyway, maybe when this guy confidently proclaims that all our problems will just go away on their own, we should maintain a wee bit of skepticism.
Woooooo...this week kinda got to me, friends. I think I’m gonna tune out for the weekend, wring my brain out, detox for a bit. Stay safe out there, Resisters, I’ll see y’all soon...
*Underneath the President’s Daily Brief, right on Hairplug Himmler’s desk.
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