TheFerret
TheFerret's Journal"Bad Polling? Fire the Pollster!" and Other Leadership Solutions From a Great American Dipshit F/SC
I was several hours into reading the day's news before I realized, to my chagrin, that I had neither consumed hallucinogenic drugs nor experienced severe head trauma, and therefore all this shit was really happening. Which is a shame. Well, let's dive in.
(And yes, Virginia, this post is available, with all those nifty gnus links, at: http://showercapblog.com/bad-polling-fire-the-pollster-and-other-leadership-solutions-from-a-great-american-dipshit/)
Mike Pompeo got all pissy with Chris Wallace for doing journalism at him, which is totally unfair, what with all those hoity-toity ivory tower elitist questions about whether or not it's ok for hostile foreign nations to install personal pet presidential puppets. I tell you what, if Mikey were half as good at diplomacy as he is at feigning outrage, he'd been one helluva Secretary of State, but of course he's not and he isn't.
PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT: It looks like treason might be contagious, as a disturbing number of congressional Republicans are showing symptoms. Take Utah's Chris Stewart, who agrees with his Turd Emperor that accepting intelligence from foreign nations is just the bee's knees, as the kids would say. The whole fucking GOP has become a shitty hive mind, like a bloated, sloppy, Borg cube, careening through space, hitting on teenagers at intergalactic shopping malls, and lying about the number of races they've assimilated, all while wearing an enormous, too-long, space necktie.
Faced with the problem of humiliating leaked internal polling showing him trailing Joe Biden like so much toilet paper stuck to the bottom of a shoe, the Bonespur Buttplug demonstrated the sort of deft, outside-the-box leadership that enabled him to build extravagant wealth from the humble beginnings of Daddy Handing Him Extravagant Wealth; he fired the pollsters. The strategy of ignoring unwelcome information until it disappears in a puff of wishful thinking has never worked with my utility bills, but I'm more than happy to watch Littlefinger surrender to his delusions.
He seems quite comfortable in his little fantasy land, actually, confident that the American people are so enamored with mortifying failed summits with murderous dictators and multi-billion-dollar trade war payoffs to damaged farmers that they'll demand he stay in office past the second term he's not going to win, and maybe next time he goes to England they'll let him ride the Hogwarts Express. I'm starting think the reason they nearly fucked up that first Easter Egg Roll was Donnie thinking the Bunny would take care of it.
And the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits ordered a massive, government-wide cut to science advisory boards, as part of his ongoing Revenge of the Subpar initiative. The operating theory here is that science, like an unflattering poll, will simply go away if you ignore it. I bet Jar-Jar's Middle East peace plan ultimately comes down to just covering Palestine with a little piece of gaffer tape on every White House map and globe.
It fucking may as well, it turns out. Let's take a moment to roll around in the absurdity of a sentence like, “A White House official says that Israeli representatives have not been invited to the Trump administration’s Israeli-Palestinian peace conference in Bahrain next week.” Oh, did I mention the Palestinians aren't coming either? I think this is just Jared going on a really long flight to play Scattergories with MBS. Maybe wander around a bit later, get some drinks and a funnel cake, dismember a couple of journalists, y'know, make a night of it.
Speaking of Israel (smooth transition, Cap), Benjamin Netanyahu did indeed follow through on his promise to slap Shart Garfunkel's name across a settlement, a rare ego boost when it's far more common to see that name pried off hotels and apartment complexes by eager crowbars*. Of course, the truth about this particular settlement turns out to be hilarious and fitting.
After seemingly months of teasers, we finally got to see the whole interview between the Marmalade Shartcannon and George Stephanopoulos. Beyond the famous “gosh yes I love treason and would like to sprinkle Russian intel on my breakfast cereal” bit, he reminded us that he is still chronically dishonest, dumber than a box of hair, and curiously incapable of emotionally processing the simple act of a colleague coughing. In short, he remains blatantly unfit for literally every job on Earth, and we've given him the single most important one.
In a rare break from whining like a spoiled rich kid who doesn't like his Intro to American Lit grade, Little Donnie Two-Scoops showed off his redesign of Air Force One, which he colored all by himself, and he stayed inside the lines and everything. Oh, and a fun little sidebar on this story; apparently the whole reason the President of the United States spends his time handpicking the racing decals for his plane is because his staff has learned to distract him with shiny things to keep him from getting so bored he starts actually wielding the power of his office, and that's a really really good idea but also sorta HOLY FUCK WHO'S RUNNING THE COUNTRY and nobody's let Stephen Miller see the nuclear codes, right?
But what are they districting the Candycorn Skidmark from? Oh nuthin’ much, just cyberoperations against Russia. See, the military has to hide this stuff from the COMMANDER IN CHIEF because they're worried he might tell Putin on account of maybe being a Russian asset or just really terrifically fucking dumb, who's to say? But definitely either too traitorous or too stupid to trust. One of the two. Sleep tight.
So just to recap, we're distracting the President with airplane coloring books so we can run military operations without him tipping our enemies off in advance. You know, I don't believe that I, personally, will demand this Trump fellow serve any additional terms at all.
And with the keen political instincts of a Lyndon Johnson (Only With Festering Custard Instead of Brains), Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot pledged to return to his signature fuckup, excuse me, “signature issue” of health care, promising once again to repeal the ACA, and replace it, probably with Folgers Crystals and a Dr. Teeth bobblehead. Normally, our president's boneheaded inability to learn anything about anything is detrimental, and in fact, really quite dangerous, but if he's hellbent on repeating the mistakes that washed 40 members of his party out of the House last November in that big, beautiful, blue wave, I'm willing to look the other way this once.
In the end, all the projectile idiocy and airplane drawings in the world weren't enough to rescue Strawberry Shartcake’s interview in the ratings, as it appears the nation's appetite for watching spray-tanned nimrods lie badly has diminished. Looks like the only thing the American people are demanding of you, old man, is that you go away so Celebrity Family Feud can come back. Ouch.
Screeching Rage Geyser Alex Jones finds himself neck-deep in a fresh new pile of steaming hot shit, as he seems to have, in the process of turning discovery files over to lawyers representing the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years, included a little child pornography. Now Jones actually may not be guilty here (the images in question were sent to InfoWars e-mail addresses rather than from them; we'll see what the investigation turns up), but if the universe feels like being a little less than fair to this odious human fistula, I plan on shedding nary a tear. Oh, and he's 100% guilty of threatening to murder one of the lawyers, sooooooooo...
The Colonworm Administration officially cut off all foreign aid to Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador until they agree to to construct a giant, magical, End Undocumented Immigration button, and press it. Now, it takes a fucking potato to understand that reducing this aid will make these nations poorer, and therefore make MORE residents seek better lives elsewhere, thus exacerbating the very problem this action is intended to address, but the American people, in their wisdom, found Hillary Clinton's e-mail server to be so egregious a sin that a President with a sub-potato IQ was deemed preferable.
And now 1,000 additional troops are headed to the Middle East. Congrats, y’all get to be the very first sacrifices in the blood ritual which will bond John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to His Upper Lip for another hundred years.
I always like to top things off with good news when I can, and y’all have dutifully consumed several servings of overcooked spinach and succotash-but-with-broken-glass-instead-of-corn, so I figure you deserve a little dessert. The Supreme Court upheld the un-gerrymandering of Virginia's state legislative maps, meaning the Republican majority has to actually face the will of the voters this fall, rather than simply removing their power to choose their lawmakers. Nice win, yes?
And y'know, if you feel like sneaking down to the kitchen a little later, when everybody else is asleep, for a second serving of pie, how about the delicious little morsel of Future Reality TV Contestant Anthony Moochawhocareswhathisrealnameis trying to pick a fight with E Street Band legend Nils Lofgren? I'm not saying this was a lopsided battle, but maybe picture Mike Tyson boxing Dustin Diamond?
Anyway, yeah, it's kinda light tonight. Just a little saber-rattling with Iran and that thing about the military hiding what it's doing from the President. Hardly worth mentioning. Slow news day. (cackles insanely)
*My forthcoming children's book, The Eager Crowbar, tells the tale of a socially awkward but determined young crowbar who eventually achieves her dream of liberating a grateful skyscraper from the taint of the Trump brand.
Atrocity, Lawlessness, Deception, and Louise Linton: Your Madness Roundup (Ferret/Shower Cap)
This week's news reads like an issue of Mad Magazine, guest edited by H.P Lovecraft after an allergic reaction to bad shellfish. If you're reading this blog near other people, you may want to keep a pillow handy, to scream into.
(As always, this post is available, with handy-dandy news links, on Cap's humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/atrocity-lawlessness-deception-and-louise-linton-your-madness-roundup/)
Well, Hairplug Himmler isn't going to let a silly little thing like “torturing an American citizen to death” undermine his bromance with murderous autocrat Kim Jong-un. Responding to a report that Kim's murdered half-brother was a CIA informant, the Dotard swore he'd never ever let the big bad United States spy on his little buddy like that again.
Anyway, to any rogue regimes who may be reading my humble poo joke blog, if you happen to be illicitly developing weapons that can snuff out tens of thousands of human lives in an instant, take comfort in knowing that in exchange for an insincere compliment or two, the President of the United States of America will merrily suspend intelligence-gathering operations in your nation. It seems to be literally as simple as sending a fucking birthday card.
Shout out to Jon Stewart, who successfully shamed the House Judiciary Committee into passing a bill to extend the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund. It's amazing what a platform and a little brutally clear communication can do. Maybe if we can get Jerry Seinfeld to do a tight five on treason, we can have our motherfucking country back.
Republican Congressthief Kevin Brady, one of the architects of the GOP tax scam which remains the Marmalade Shartcannon's sole significant legislative achievement, issued a tiny, barely-worth-mentioning, correction regarding the bill's alleged fiscal responsibility: "Look, when we said the tax cuts would pay for themselves OBVIOUSLY we meant that to mean ‘strictly in terms of plutocrat donations to their pet political party.’ And looking at my re-election fund, those cuts have TOTALLY paid for themselves. Suckers.”
Justin Amash broke up with House Freedom Caucus, saying, “It's not you, it's not me, it's the rule of law, so wait, basically yeah, it's you.” Poor Justin thought the FC was devoted his specific brand of insanity, while it turns out the Jim Jordans of the world are happy to roll around into whatever shitpile happens to be handy, and if that's Trumpist authoritarianism, well so be it. While Amash has taken custody of all the caucus’ dignity in the split, he concedes it's unlikely he'll ever get his White Lion t-shirt back.
While numerous American industries suffer under the Sunny D-Bag's idiot trade war, the migrant child concentration camp industry is absolutely booming. So much so, in fact, that the Crotchworm Administration is reopening Fort Sill, a WWII-era Japanese internment camp, to torture a fresh new generation of kids othered by a racist federal government. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this twisted little bit of malevolent symbolism was all Stephen Miller asked his boss for for his birthday this year.
Hey I bet you think that's the vilest border-related story in tonight's blog. I mean, it's pretty goddamn disgusting.
Care to put some money on that?
You remember that one Border Patrol thug, excuse me, “agent” who is facing charges stemming from the time he tried to murder a migrant with his truck? Well, he's back in the news today on account of his defense attorney working to suppress his horrific, dehumanizing, bigoted-as-fuck, text messages at trial. I guess when your client's casual work banter is indistinguishable from Nazi rhetoric, you'd rather the jury didn't know about it. Oh, and part of the defense strategy appears to be “everyone at Border Patrol is this racist, so no big deal, right?” Sleep tight.
Now you're thinking, “Surely that's the worst exhibit Trump's Atrocity Carnival has to offer this week. Surely."
Double or nothing, then?
Because we haven't even mentioned the story about the teenage mother and her premature baby detained in appalling conditions. We haven't talked about the "facility" in El Paso described as “a human dog pound.” Do we even have the strength to imagine all the evil these fuckers have successfully concealed from us?
Take a minute to read those stories, folks. Get a beer, have a cry. We'll do a couple cheap gags when you're ready, I guess.
Look, it's tough pretending to be something you're not, and Mike Flynn is sick and tired of acting like a more or less reasonable human being, when in his heart of hearts, he is such a demented wingnut maniac that he doesn't even get invited to Breitbart parties anymore, because he keeps cornering children to talk to them about QAnon. To that end, hiring batguano-gargling loon Sidney Powell as his new attorney is really just Flynn being his best self; trouble is, his “best self” is completely insane, unrepentantly corrupt, and just generally shitty.
Admit it, you'd completely forgotten about Howard Schultz's misguided “presidential campaign” until he popped up this week to suspend it. Of course, he's still threatening to bring his signature brand of boring, antagonistic, centrism back if Democratic primary voters don't vote the way he wants them to. God, he's like a Scooby Doo villain, vowing, as he's led away in handcuffs, to return when we least expect it.
“It's old man Schultz, from the bland, characterless, coffee chain!”
“And I would've gotten away with it too, if weren't for my complete and total lack of ideas, political instincts, and charisma!”
Tangerine Idi Amin, in a feeble attempt to discredit Don McGahn's damning testimony in the Mueller report, suggested his former White House Counsel lied under oath “to make himself look like a good lawyer,” and you can almost forgive the doddering old bloat for making such a baseless accusation, since “lying to make yourself seem awesome when you're actually just a wobbly stack of hot garbage in a bad wig” is the story of literally every single minute of his rotten, wasted, life.
Of course, the bigger headline out of that Stephanapoulos interview was the bit where the Bonespur Buttplug went “Hell to tha Yeah I'd accept foreign help for my re-election! I need all the help I can get, bro, have you watched me campaign? I rant like a damaged clone of Nathan Bedford Forrest in the advanced stages of dementia! I couldn't do it by myself last time, and I sure shit can't now that everybody's seen how I actually govern! Seriously, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Chad, anybody, CALL ME!”
And Marsha Blackburn, eager to finally bring her famous brand of lunatic partisanship to the upper chamber, blocked Mark Warner's bill, which would require campaigns to contact the FBI if any foreign power pops by to say “Hey, kid, wanna buy some treason?” Two fun things about the politics of 2019:
A) We're starting to write all the laws we never thought we'd need because even 240 years’ worth of crooked-ass politicians couldn't imagine the fuckery a moral black hole like Donald Trump would attempt.
B) We're learning that Republican Party isn't willing support those laws. NEAT.
And Government Cheese Goebbels is particularly desperate for extralegal campaign support these days, with his own internal polling revealing the precise dimensions of the massive can of electoral whoop-ass Diamond Joe Biden would unleash on him in a head-to-head matchup. When you're shouting “fake news” at your own propaganda apparatus, you're in trouble.
I hope you can all attend the opening of my new play, Five Wrinkly-Ass Old White Dudes, Sitting Around Outlawing Abortion, about the city council in Whogivesafuck, Texas, and their dumbfuck quest to create a “sanctuary city for the unborn.” I debated even bringing this one up tonight, but you know what they say...all politics is yokel BAM TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
A government watchdog recommended Kellyanne Conway be fired for her repeated, taunting violations of the Hatch Act, which is an entirely reasonable response to serial, unapologetic, law-breaking. Regrettably, in perhaps the most depressing commentary yet on the shit-encrusted state of our beautiful democracy, literally no one anywhere on Earth imagined Conway would be fired, or, indeed, face any consequences whatsoever. Literally mocked the law, live on camera, and won't even lose her fucking parking space.
Duncan Hunter's wife flipped on him so hard he'll have to call her “Rick Gates” in bed from now on. Although, now that Margaret is cooperating with prosecutors against her husband, I imagine the Walls of Jericho have gone up in the Hunter household.
While the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser's unhinged tweetstorms have become significantly less newsworthy now that we've learned to dismiss them as the deranged rantings of a never-particularly-potent-and-now-rapidly-deteriorating intellect, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to mark the one about the “Prince of Whales.” Y'know, in the three years since he started pissing directly into our brains every hour of every day, this is the first thing he's ever said or written to bring me the slightest bit of delight, if only accidentally. The Prince of Whales? Oh, didn't he show up on Super Friends that one time Aquaman was visiting his sick grandma?
Look, if you want to read about the latest developments in the field of issuing and dodging subpoenas, or holding contempt votes, or whatever other procedural shenanigans are going down in Congress, you'll have to write your own jokes, because, as I have expressed previously, Jerry Nadler shufflin’ papers around just isn't funny. Take, for example, “DOJ releases legal opinion supporting Treasury refusal to turn over Trump tax returns.” Important? Surely. Funny? I can't find it. I'll drink more and get back to you.
On that subject, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet is invoking executive privilege to avoid coughing up documents related to his shitsack administration's attempt to apply Crest Whitening Strips to the 2020 Census. It goes without saying that there's no legal standing to do that, it's just something he likes shouting because he thinks it's this magical power presidents get to call upon to get out of anything they don't want to do, from eating their peas to obeying the Constitution.
And Sarah Huckleberry Slanders surveyed her labors of the last two years, and said unto herself, “Though I delight in my work, bringing George Orwell's darkest nightmares to life, I must admit that I've single-handedly done more damage to the American experiment than all our nation's wartime foes put together. Perhaps it's time I retired to Arkansas, to pursue my lifelong dream of conducting unregulated cosmetics research at a puppy mill of my very own.” And so she is taking her sneering mendacity and going home.
In all our storied history, few have failed at being American quite so badly as the Uncredible Huck. Sarah, I wish you insufficient legroom on all your flights. May your DVR perpetually record over your favorite programs with post-Topher-Grace episodes That 70's Show. You deserve ingrown toenails and root canals and rush hour traffic, but above all other torments, may you be subjected to your fuckstick father's unique blend of hate speech and dad jokes for the rest of your days.
Mike Pompeo practically tripped over his own feet to blame Iran for an attack on two tankers in the Gulf of Oman, though the owner of one of the ships disputes Mike's please-oh-please-let-me-start-a-war-can-I-can-I-can-I account. It's way too early to figure out who's telling the truth here, but hey, maybe the Treasonweasel Administration should've read the Boy Who Cried Wolf before they decided to burn their credibility on stupid shit like crowd size and crying farmers.
As he ramps up his re-election campaign, Weehands McNodick is returning to his roots, and refusing to pay folks for services rendered. In this case, it's mostly local police departments the law-and-order candidate is stiffing, and if nothing else, that should add some interesting justification contortions for his faux evangelical base to grapple with. Shit, he still hasn't paid Washington D.C. back for his (hilariously, pathetically, under-attended) inauguration. Our secret weapon in 2020 may wind up being the People the President Personally Owes Money To vote.
The Shart House decided that what Flag Day really needed was a pic of Sultan Spraytan dry-humping Old Glory, just to really drive home his instinctual disrespect of the United States and all her cherished symbols. On Independence Day, expect him to waddle over to the Lincoln Memorial just to rub his ass all over Honest Abe's leg.
I have to confess, as I was driven to the very edge of sanity by all this incompetence and malice, I was profoundly grateful to stumble across Louise Linton's latest flailing attempt at rehabbing her Bond villainess image. God love her, as she rolls around in the money her maggot-souled vulture capitalist husband “earned” foreclosing on decent people's homes, as she dines with the Queen of England while children rot in cages, she's still fantasizing about some 21st century Leni Riefenstahl elevating her to her unjustly-delayed stardom. She is a truly magnificent monster.
Speaking of the Garbage Women behind the Garbage Men, there seems to be an effort underway to cast Melania as some sort of Fascist Jackie O? I don't really care, do u?
Holy hell I'm in a bad mood now. I dunno, something about watching my government torture children really BUMS ME OUT. Anyhow, it'd cheer me up if everybody reading this could bite and scratch and claw and fight with every ounce of their strength to win this country back from these awful, awful, people.
Look Out, Louie Gohmert! There's Some Real Competition for the 'Dumbest Man in Congress' Crown Now!
I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn't chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I 'spose.
(Y’all know this by now, but this post can be found, with alllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/look-out-louie-gohmert-theres-some-real-competition-for-the-dumbest-man-in-congress-crown-this-year/)
When last we spoke, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster was throwing himself a parade celebrating all the amazing concessions he won from Mexico in exchange for withdrawing his proposed tariffs, but when he called up the Nobel people to propose a special prize for Manly Dominance Over a Neighbor and Trade Partner, he was greeted with derisive Norwegian laughter* because the world quickly learned that in fact, he had backed down completely, in exchange for nothing that hadn't been agreed to weeks earlier.
Caught in his lie, the Velveeta Vulgarian let his unfailing instinct for pathetic behavior guide him, insisting that yuh huh he got lots of concessions in the deal, really hot concessions, too, only they live in Canada, so you can't meet them right now, maybe over summer break. But the truth is out, and now the whole world is laughing at him for declaring victory while retreating like the French Army led by Paul Reiser's character in Aliens.
Look, bro, if it was such a big win, you wouldn't have dumped it on a Friday night.
So, not only did the Shart Family Robinson enjoy a luxuriant European vacation at taxpayer expense, but the Large Adult Sons got so caught up in the thrill of pissing away other folks’ hard-earned money that they skipped town without paying their bar tab. Look, if you served the most famous grifters on the planet without getting a credit card up front, you don't deserve to get paid. Like, if Fast Eddie Felson hustles you, that's one thing; if you bet the farm going one on one with Michael Jordan, that's your own goddamn fault.
After a couple days of media attention, the bill did wind up getting paid. Let that be a lesson: if any member of this cheap crook family owes you money, or, say, hypothetically, pledges an extravagant charitable donation they have absolutely no intention of ever following through on, your only shot is getting your story in the news. Write that shit down, y’all.
I see noted HateMosquito Milo Yadon'tgotnobookdealnomo has been appointed Grand High Asshat of the forthcoming “Straight Pride” Parade in Boston, because headline-thirsty hate-mongers of a feather march together, I suppose. Now, Milo is a lot of things, but he certainly isn't straight, so maybe we should pick this apart, if only to work out what this gathering is really all about.
Hmmmm...what-o-what does Milo have in common with the organizers, if not sexual orientation? Have the organizers also lost a six-figure book deal due to comments praising pedophilia? Have they been banned from traveling to Australia, making this some sort of hyper-specific, We Deserve to See Kangaroos and the Sydney Opera House Up Close parade? Could it be as simple as a light stroll in honor of the loud, over-groomed, and useless?
Or, wait, gosh, and bear with me here, but MAYBE IT'S THE WHITE NATIONALISM.
The fine Republican crotchtumors in Missouri have decided that the state's last remaining abortion clinic can stay open for now, but only if the doctors perform medically unnecessary vaginal exams on their patients, because you shouldn't be allowed to exercise your constitutional rights without a little violation first, right? Y'know, I don't want to seem partisan, but maybe sputtering, misogynist, shitstains legislating state-mandated sexual assault is...bad. That's my platform, can somebody squeeze that onto a bumper sticker?
Mitt Romney is like a space alien that awkwardly tries to mimic things like “leadership” and “courage” based on what it gleaned from old episodes of F Troop, y'know? Anyway, he made quite the show of announcing that he may not endorse anyone at all in 2020, leaving the coveted “dithering milksop” vote up for grabs. Mittens is the guy who tells everybody in the Poseidon Adventure or the Towering Inferno to just hang tight, we'll be rescued any minute now, and then forty minutes into the movie everybody who listened to him has met a grisly death.
And the Rectal Boil Administration blocked the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research from presenting testimony on climate change, because it contradicted the Bonespur Buttplug's “official stance,” which is “Nuh UH!” Y’all don't get to veto science, do you understand that? Like:
"Water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius!**"
“Well, ideologically, I disagree.”
"As bizarre and interesting as that may be sir, water will go right on freezing at 0 degrees, whether Mitt Romney endorses it or not, whether Rand Paul filibusters it all day long, whether Roy Moore hits on it in the food court at the mall. It's SCIENCE. You don't really get a say."
So, the proto-Gestapo (and fuck no, that's not an exaggeration) known as ICE, in their fervor to make America whiter than Stephen Miller's ever-expanding bald spot, so white that all the spray-on hair in the world couldn't hope to cover it, has actually lost track of the number of veterans they've deported. A draft-dodging valor thief, installed in office by a hostile foreign power, is kicking vets out of the country, which clearly contributes to American greatness by...well, by...HEY LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S ANDREW DICE CLAY!!! (runs away while your back is turned)
It seems a handful of aggressively subpar Nazis (redundant, I know) in Detroit got confused by the Pride parade, thinking they meant Dickless Flabby Middle-Aged Basement-Dwelling White Mediocrities Playing Dress-Up Pride, and showed up to a party at which they were decidedly unwelcome. I know I keep flirting with controversy in my usually-fair-n-balanced blog tonight, but goshdarnit, seeing Nazi flags on American streets in 2019 makes me want to puke acid.
Elaine Chao entered Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's cabinet with the reputation as one of the only competent, trustworthy, figures among that shadiest gaggle of unscrupulous creeps this side of the Dick Tracy movie, but it seems she's caught grifter fever too, likely from a cake knife that Ryan Zinke licked at Sonny Perdue’s last birthday party, and then just set back down on the table for everybody else to use. In addition to all the skullduggery that's already surfaced in recent weeks, seems Mrs. Yertle has repurposed the Department of Transportation into a wing of her husband’s reelection campaign, steering millions in grants to Kentucky, often for previously-rejected projects. Ne’er in all my days have I seen such a drained swamp.
A company partially owned by Walking Nepotism Warning Label Jared Kushner somehow stumbled into a mysterious $90 million investment in the time since Jar-Jar transformed from a blundering real estate heir into one of the most powerful figures in the U.S. federal government GOSH I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED. One of the really fun things here is, because the money has been filtered through the Cayman Islands, that secretive banking playground for the mega-rich, we the people have no idea just who is shoveling all this money at young Jared, (or, as he is known in international diplomatic circles, The Single Most Bribable Man Walking the Face of God's Green Earth) or what they're getting in return.
Last year, Emmanuel Macron and Hairplug Himmler planted a tree on the Shart House lawn, to symbolize the friendship between France and the United States, and now the tree has died, and really, how did this get past the third draft of the script? The fuckin’ FRIENDSHIP TREE died? Really? This is some lazy-ass writing, is all I'm saying.
Everyone agrees that Bulging Ragepimple Ken Cuccinelli could never get confirmed as Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services by the Senate; Democrats don't like him because he’s a Klan-level bigot, while Republicans despise him because he raises money for wingnut primary challengers (the two parties are basically the same, y'know). But thanks to fun little loophole, Donnie Two-Scoops appointed him Acting Director, so he gets 210 whole days to hurt non-white people as much as he likes. Rejected by both his own party and the voters of his home state, this little shitweasel still gets to wield awesome political power in the name of hate, isn't that just ducky?
Alex Jones and his outhouse-gargling website, InfoWars, having already suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of yogurt, have been vanquished once again, this time by a cartoon frog. In ten years Jones is gonna be losing fistfights to Cabbage Patch Kids in disreputable traveling circuses, while children pelt him with dimes.
Jerry Nadler's getting so good at making William Barr back down, I think in his next congressional appearance, the AG should be made to perform tricks on command in exchange for little bone-shaped treats. Anyway, the Justice Department is turning a bunch of Mueller's evidence over to Nadler's House Judiciary Committee. For an administration that seems to enjoy losing in court so much, it's refreshing to watch them lose before court for a change.
Georgia Congressdoorknob Rob Woodall, who certainly owes his hyper-narrow 2018 re-election to Brian Kemp's extensive voter suppression efforts, proudly proclaimed to a television interviewer that he had not read the Mueller report, and would not read it in the future, because as a Republican congressmen, protecting the United States from foreign attacks is simply not his job. “No! You can't make me!” Woodall screamed, deflecting a spoon containing the Mueller report, getting redactions all over his bib and high chair, even though Kasie Hunt made tantalizing airplane motions and noises.
Big shout-out to Somehow Even More Embarrassing Than Rob Woodall Congressdope Matt Gaetz, for his uncanny talent for redirecting any congressional hearing he participates in into an investigation of how Matt Gaetz has a wad of used chewing gum for a brain. I guess John Dean was there too, talking about Nixon or whatever, but the real star of the show was Gaetz, flinging hammer after hammer at his own crotch.
Anyway, Jim Jordan got jealous, and wanted America to laugh at his idiocy too, so he also said some things that were so dumb you wonder why his district elected a thumb to represent them in Congress.
Wow. Almost kinda light today, by 2019 standards. They must be pumping something into the asylum to keep us docile. Or maybe we're finally returning normalcy, and by the end of the week everything will be HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I can't even finish that thought, this is hell,
*Just regular laughter, only with more ø's.
**Yes yes there are plenty of exceptions. Please resist the urge to get cute in the comments.
Moronic, Malevolent, Musings from the Manchurian Manchild, on Mexico, Midler, the Moon, and More (F)
Fucking hell, this shit is exhausting. Working through the newspaper today is like reading crappy fanfic that explores the backstories of every Nazi Indiana Jones ever knocked off a moving truck. Anyhow, if you feel like reading a bunch of stories about shitty people doing shitty things, BOY HAVE I GOT A BLOG FOR YOU.
(And yeah, this post is available, with allllll those handy dandy news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/moronic-malevolent-musings-from-the-manchurian-manchild-on-mexico-midler-the-moon-and-more/)
While this government has already committed countless atrocities in their fanatic quest to Make America White Again, it turns out Stephen MiIller requires ever more heinous acts of depravity to coax an erection out of the tiny, shrieking, demon he has instead of a penis. I guess tearing migrant children away from their parents, or making them sleep on the fucking ground just isn't doing it for him anymore. I guess the body count isn't rising quickly enough.
So now the Turdmaggot Administration, in our name and with our money, is jacking up the cruelty quotient in their American concentration camps. They're serving detainees spoiled food. They're cutting legal aid and English lessons for detained children. They're even cutting soccer, because the tar-souled rage monsters running the country cannot abide the thought of allowing brown children even a passing hour's respite from their state-sponsored torment.
Plus, Border Patrol agents have taken up a fun monstrous new hobby; confiscating medication from migrant kids! I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept of A Person Who Takes Medicine Away from a Child, because that's the kind of behavior that makes every Bond/Marvel/Disney villain ever go “WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?,” and yet it appears to be occurring with some regularity in the nation I was raised to believe was a beacon of freedom and righteousness.
There must be a really nice parking space on the line for Vilest Immigration Enforcement Employee of the Month, because some deranged fucks over at ICE respect human life so little, they left a group of migrant kids, some as young as five, to sleep in a fucking van in a fucking parking lot. For as long as thirty-nine hours. I don't know who handles human resources for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, but maybe y’all should start scanning applicants for sociopathy, sadism, and, y'know, evil.
Does anybody else fantasize about these bastards facing the sort of ironic justice they doled out in the old Tales from the Crypt comics? I just want to see Miller and Kirstjen Nielsen and all their little foot soldiers, locked in vans overnight, eating rancid food, while their guards taunt and abuse them, is that so wrong?
Anyway, tell the President responsible for all this obscenity his Nobel Peace Prize is probably in the mail.
Over in England, the Candycorn Skidmark showed up to his formal dinner with the Queen dressed like a grade school kid who stole his older brother's prom tux, because he is such a blistering idiot that he literally cannot even put fucking clothes on right.
The next President should be able to dress themselves, okay? Screw debates, just give the candidates a $100 Macy's gift card each, and let's see who's capable of walking out with pant legs that don't appear to be designed with smuggling entire slabs of ribs into movie theatres in mind.
While abroad, the Hairplug That Ate Decency sat down for an interview with Piers Morgan, and I suppose we're fortunate the entire world didn't implode like the Poltergeist house upon attaining this Old Doughy White Guys with Unearned Self-Regard singularity. Anyhow, it turns out the guy who doesn't understand tariffs or umbrellas or pants also doesn't understand climate change, which no doubt surprises you.
Just watching the Vapid Vessel of VeryFine Vanity having a merry little chat with Laura “It's a shame Paul Nehlen doesn't have a larger platform to call for anti-Semitic violence from” Ingraham right in front of a U.S. military cemetery in France was stomach-churning, and I applaud our fallen heroes for resisting the urge go all zombie and shit, and rise from their graves for one final fascism-stomping binge for old time's sake. And yet, even starting from a point so low as to be subterranean, things managed to get worse.
Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug, bored from a long day spent commemorating the heroes who fought and died at Normandy rather than having the good sense to be born rich enough to pay off doctors for a Get Out of War Free card, unleashed a torrent of abuse at the likes of Bob Mueller, Chuck Schumer, and Nancy Pelosi, with all the wit and finesse of a playground bully repeating the fifth grade for the second time.
All in all, a busy trip for the Velveeta Vulgarian. He embarrassed the United States in so many different ways and venues, it's amazing he still found time to golf. Truly, he is a wonder.
Well, looka here, it seems Paul Manafort is about to be transferred from Rich White People Jail to Holy Shit Real Actual Prison. Now, I was all set to write a gloaty little gag at his expense, but even the cursory, drunken, research I do for my little poop joke blog here revealed that Rikers Island is an absolute horror, and not even Precocious Paul deserves the torture of solitary confinement there. So in lieu of a punchline, which would be inappropriate, I hope you'll allow me to remind you of the story of Kalief Browder, who committed suicide four years ago this week, following three years detained at Rikers, awaiting trial for allegedly stealing a fucking backpack.
The self-awareness fairy seems to have skipped over Steve King's house this year, as western Iowa's favorite white nationalist has taken to painting himself as the victim of a “political lynch mob” for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he talks like a Nazi all the damn time. King is openly fantasizing about a big political comeback, and I hope he gets his hopes waaaaaaaay up.
Okay, I don't like to get too controversial here, but dammit, I gotta say this: the President of the United States shouldn't care what Bette Midler thinks of him. I don't mean to diminish the Divine Miss M's long and storied career, I just think that when you're in the sort of gig where you're expected to handle legitimate crises like the Cuban Missile Crisis or 9/11 you should be able to handle whatever slings and arrows the star of Hocus Pocus may lob at you without feeling the need to issue a retort in the middle of the goddamn night.
Not satisfied with simply shitting all over America during his time in office, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot reached out to fuck over untold generations yet to come, ordering an end to the use of fetal tissue in much government medical research. This is fantastic news for the nation's belligerent wannabe theocrats, especially since this sort of triumph of superstition over science has been difficult to come by SINCE THE FUCKING DARK AGES. For everyone who now has to die from a disease that might otherwise have been cured had the President not viewed the Fake Christian American Taliban as his “base,” the news is...less awesome.
And the Accidental Poosquirt is set to pigheadedly push forward with his plan to reverse Obama-era vehicle mileage standards, even though American automakers themselves asked him not to. Folks, this is not about the auto industry, or the even the environment, it's about doing everything in his power to get back at that black guy who made people laugh at him that one time.
While science is generally under siege during the Shitferbrains Administration, America continues making revolutionary strides in the field of white male fragility, as evidenced by the planned “Straight Pride” parade in Boston. Y'know, I'm starting to think modern conservatism is mostly about grown-ass men seeking the right to lash out like spoiled toddlers. Speaking of which...
The entire American right wing has united to tackle the opioid crisis. Excuse me, that's not quite right. What I meant to say is, “the entire American right wing has united to bitch and moan that a hate-mongering nitwit is no longer allowed to profit from provoking harassment mobs on the internet.”
Obviously, I'm talking about the thing with Steven Crowder, who calls himself a “comedian” because when he belches up his hate speech, he smirks, congratulating himself on all the "libs" he's “owning.” I guess he got his little YouTube channel demonetized for essentially the same the reason Steve King lost his committee assignments. So again, what we're dealing with is a despicable twerp, throwing a tantrum because he's finally facing consequences for years of abominable behavior. Maybe we should build some sort of combination anger room/ball pit where these stunted man-babies can work out their resentments away from decent society.
Folks, let's sweep away the cobwebs of the ten thousand bad-faith arguments flying out of every subpar alt-right blog, because what we're talking about here is a vicious little troll who does nothing but spread hate, and then disingenuously whinnies about "free speech” whenever anyone calls him out for his vileness, a dude who makes his living selling t-shirts that say “Socialism is for F*gs.” This guy is a malignant polyp on the rectum of humanity, okay? He is a bad person. What Steven Crowder does isn't comedy, or commentary, it's hatred.
And y'know what? The idea that we shouldn't go out of our way to set up revenue streams for the snarling shitstains who want to tear society apart with their rage and bigotry is 100% uncontroversial, assuming one possesses half a thimbleful of decency. A moral culture chases a man like Steven Crowder back to the sewers he sprang from. And yet here we are, listening to Ted Cruz, a U.S. Senator, who won't say one fucking word about the half-dozen stories this week covering the outrages inflicted on migrant children, moralizing in that phony preacher voice of his about the oppression of the Socialism is for F*gs guy. SPARE ME.
Well the long arm of the law finally caught up with one of the gluttonous grifters of the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's Crooked Cabinet, as a government watchdog office climbed to the top of the highest mountain in all the land to proclaim that Cowboy Ryan Zinke violated not just the Laws of Good Taste, but also the Hatch Act, in wearing MAGA socks with Orange Julius Caesar's sharty little face on them. Zinke Bootz won't face any consequences whatsoever, of course, but perhaps you'll be able to draw some small comfort from this symbolic victory when we're all in the work camps.
Ahead of his sentencing, Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn fired his lawyers, and shit bro, I bet that makes all your problems disappear like a fake Time Magazine cover from a chintzy Trump golf resort wall. Yeah, the problem was your representation, not the fuckton of federal crimes you committed.
And the Dem-led Congress took some sort of arcane procedural step towards holding William Barr and Don McGahn in contempt for responding to congressional subpoenas by driving past the Capitol Building with their wrinkly old guy butts hanging out the window. The problem with all this subpoenaing and ignoring subpoenas and contempt resolutions and whatnot is that it's in the news all the time, so I have to talk about it...but it's not funny. It's old people giving boring speeches waving fistfuls of documents menacingly at one another, and yes, the future of the whole dang United States hangs in the balance, but it's just not funny.
Praise is hard to come by when you possess the Marmalade Shartcannon's magical blend of incompetence and malice, so I suppose he can be forgiven for fabricating a whole speech where NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg praised him for hours, particularly the length of his fingers, which somehow seem even more impressive using the metric system. Obviously, it's super-normal for presidents to invent fake public addresses by well-known political leaders. Normal AF.
Y'know, Donnie, if you're so desperate for the fawning praise of servile yes men, you could always rehire Reince Priebus; that guy was like the Greek God of sycophancy.
So I guess the Dotard thinks the Moon is part of Mars? Sure. Whatever. Par for the course, here in the Lewis Carroll fever dream we call 21st century America. How we've survived this long eludes me.
And I see the Shart Administration is celebrating Pride Month in style, by forbidding U.S. embassies to fly the rainbow flag! Mike Pompeo may suck at diplomacy, but when it comes to transforming the State Department into the blunt tool of Dumbass Phony Evangelical Theocracy, he's a goddamn wizard.
Ooooo...and now a federal judge has ordered the FBI to un-redact more of Jazzy Jim Comey's old memos about his misspent youth in Fat Q*Bert's company! I assume this will amount primarily to extensive documentation of presidential b.o., with Comey lending an intelligence officer's insight to descriptions of that noxious cocktail of hair tonic, spray tan solution, and overcooked steak farts.
And hey, a little good news, Shart Garfunkel backed down on his threat to impose sweeping new tariffs on Mexico, because backing down is what a bully does. Luckily, the American economy will not suffer the cartoon-anvil-to-the-junk that would have resulted, and we won't face the massive tax increase as consumers, which leaves me with more beer money, and believe me, I'm absolutely taking advantage before he changes his addled little mind.
And with that, my friends, let me thank you for the gift of your time and your attention, I appreciate the hell out of it, but lordy, I need a break. I think I'm gonna spend the weekend looking at cat videos till I pass out, if that's okay with y’all.
Breaking News: It's Only Monday and We're Already Drowning in Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can't possibly be any more bizarre than what's going on in real life, right?
(You know this by now, but this post is available, with all them helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-news-its-only-monday-and-were-already-drowning-in-buttholes/)
So, Redactor General Bill Barr gave a horrifying little interview to CBS, seemingly designed with the improbable goal of making Americans miss Jeff Sessions, who for all his faults* was still unwilling to drown Lady Justice in a kiddie pool at his Turd Emperor's merest whim. Yes, Barr will merrily and dutifully perform master's bidding, pursuing investigations of law enforcement officials for the unforgivable transgression of investigating an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power. Asked if he's worried about history remembering him as the jowlsy steward to a cabal of cheap crooks in their quest to destroy American democracy for personal profit, Billy shrugged the question off with a disturbingly-casual “everyone dies,” and fuck, y’all, the last thing this administration needed was a fucking nihilist.
With red state legislatures around the country tripping over each other to be the first to get their Mandatory Handmaid's Tale LARPing bill in front of Beer-Liking Woman-Hater Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Susan Collins finds her approval ratings back home in Maine plummeting like the stock market during a moronic, unnecessary, trade war. Faced with this potentially career-ending reversal of fortune, expect Collins to break out her most extreme brow-furrowing and concern-expressing. Hasn't failed her yet.
We got to see a transcript of a voice mail one of Shart Garfunkel's lawyers left for one of Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn's lawyers, where he was all, “Hey, dunno if you're still up, just wanted to chat, maybe we can get on XBox Live and play some Call of Duty later. Anyhow, if you see any Justice lying around, if you could go ahead and obstruct it for us, that'd be great.” So that was fun.
We were supposed to see more transcripts, of Flynn's conversations with the Russian ambassador, but DoJ decided that court orders are optional, kinda like flossing, only the risk here is of descending into anti-democratic tyranny rather than getting gingivitis.**
There was another mass shooting, of course, because there's always another mass shooting, because Republicans believe in an imaginary constitutional amendment that says “P.S. all rights are null and void whenever they come into conflict with gun manufacturers’ profits.” We're listening to bullshit conservative arguments about silencers this time instead of bullshit conservative arguments about semi-automatic weapons, so that's different, anyway. The dead people are just as dead, though.
Looks like Steve Bannon got evicted from his neofascist commune in Italy, probably because the rancid, oily, substance he secretes from his pores was eating through the walls of the medieval abbey he'd been renting as his little jagoff clubhouse. Steve my dude, so many of your problems could be solved with a set of good, sturdy, industrial-strength, furniture covers. Or, y'know, by not being a bulging sack of festering warthog rectums, but I suppose that ship has sailed.
While your average Human Being With a Functioning Soul gets upset about things like the senseless loss of life from the opioid crisis, or the cruelty of locking migrant children in cages, Laura Ingraham is MAD AS HECK that the worst people in the world keep getting their megaphones taken away after years of belching up hatred and lies. The examples she presented on her Fascist Variety Show looked like the weird kids table at Arkham Asylum, but Alex Jones has to be pleased to finally find himself on a list where he's not the undisputed most gigantic smelly butthole. “Oh, you terrorized Sandy Hook families for months with fabricated conspiracy theories?” scoffs Paul Nehlen, “Whatever, I wore a shirt with an anti-Semitic mass murderer's face on it, you wuss.”
Yeah, Laura Ingraham thinks it's bad that THAT turdmaggot lost his platform. And companies still advertise on her fucking show.
And early candidate for Whitest Guy of the Year emerged when some douchebag beardo hipster freak decided Kamala Harris needed to suspend her presidential campaign for a hot second to listen to what the (douchebag beardo hipster) menfolk had to say. Of course the media rushed to give the little prick the platform he'd been seeking all along, instead of pelting him with hacky sacks until he learned his lesson, which is what he fucking deserved.
Shart Administration Multi-Tool Mick Mulvaney popped up on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how normal and justifiable it is for the government to hide entire battleships from the Idiot Manchild President, since he has to sleep with a nite lite on because he thinks he's being haunted by the dude whose name is on the side of the boat. “It's all perfectly reasonable, and by the way, we're installing a giant tarp over Virginia so Mr. Trump doesn't have to look at a blue state when he jets off to those ego-fluffing Klan rallies he enjoys so much.
Roger Stone does not seem to be handling his late-in-life brush with legal accountability well, and it turns out the Wealthy White Ratfucker version of “throwing a tantrum in Target because Mom because won't buy you a Ninja Turtle figure” is “calling for the execution of the former head of the CIA because the law finally caught up to you.” I'm sure Laura Ingraham will be taking up Rog's cause any day now.
Demonstrating the compassion and decorum he's famous for, the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by a church in Northern Virginia, straight off the golf course, dressed like an escapee from the last legs of a Napa Valley retiree tour, to desecrate the very concept of “prayer.” People say he doesn't take his role as consoler-in-chief seriously, but folks, his motorcade spent sixteen whole minutes at that church.***
Axios gifted us with a rare Jared Kushner interview, and I know you've all missed that wispy, one-line-character-in-a-Tim-Burton-movie voice that makes you wonder just exactly how much inbreeding takes place amongst the 1%. Jared is so majestically awful at this shit, it's like watching a walrus play basketball; seeing him squirm and sneer and duck and dodge is so cringeworthy it makes you appreciate that the Shart House would still rather send the Sheriff of Nepotismham out to the media than risk another televised meltdown from Amputated Rage Foreskin Stephen Miller.
Lucky us, we get a double shot of Jar-Jar, with details emerging about his oft-delayed Middle East peace "plan." Looks like the idea is, give Israel everything they want, while the Palestinians go, “Y'know what? You're right, we never wanted a state of our own anyway, just toss in a 2 liter of RC Cherry Cola and some o’ those 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond coupons, and we'll call it square.”
Shit, even Mike Pompeo, who's normally such a loyal little stooge that he wears a tag around his neck that says “If lost, return to Mar-a-Lago,” can't sell this shit. Gosh, if the skeevy little twit whose only qualification is “was born rich” can't crack this nut, who can?
The Failing New York Times published a deep dive into the jaw-dropping corruption of Testudines Fetishist/Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who at least has had the good sense to keep her grifting out of the headlines until now, unlike your common Scott Pruitts and Ben Carsons. While any cabinet official in any previous administration would have been sacked over a story like this, Chao can rest easy knowing that nobody will even remember it in a week's time, because the President will have teabagged Prince Philip or something.
You have to admit, Mitch McConnell sure married well. It's the dream of every starry-eyed young Republican politician, isn't it? Spend your career rigging the economy for the benefit of the wealthy as you corruptly use your ever-expanding power to line your own pockets until you yourself join the plutocracy you've long served...and all you had to do was sell out your constituents. Sweet gig, Yertle.
Louisiana, having already claimed their seat on the Horrific Abortion Ban bandwagon, went a step further, in declining to impose a legal minimum age on marriage, so now a teenage girl can not only be forced to carry her rapist's child, she can be pressured into marrying him, too! How long ‘till the evangelical “Christian” south drops the pretense, declares all women to be legally property, and has them tattooed with bar codes at birth? Anyway, Roy Moore has been seen scouting out potential living quarters in downtown Baton Rouge, which is a coincidence, I'm sure.
A new study says the Bonespur Buttplug's petulant new round of proposed tariffs on Mexico would constitute the largest tax increase on American consumers in almost 30 years, which is somehow not the only story in tonight's blog about the President deliberately kicking our economy in the junk. This is just the first round of those tariffs, by the way, at 5%; Shitferbrains has threatened to jack them up an additional 5 every month until they hit 25%. I swear, Putin must pinch himself hourly, unable to believe the bargain he got just by opening a few troll farms.
It's weird how important it is to Duncan Hunter to let the world know that he's an utterly amoral creep. Hot off his “hell yeah I take pictures with enemy corpses, everybody who doesn't is a CUCK” media appearance, he trundled down to the basement manchildcave known as “Barstool Sports” to casually mention the “hundreds of civilians” he probably killed, including women and children, in Iraq, so what's the big deal about a few silly ol’ war crimes anyhow? Zounds. I dunno about y’all, but I'm taking Duncan's number out of my “potential babysitters” rolodex.
On the other hand, Hunter may be playing the long game here. After all, Republican voters have demonstrated that, presented with a wide variety of candidates with exemplary resumes, they will ultimately choose the sociopath with a criminal history. So our boy's thinkin', “I'm clearly headed to jail soon, I just gotta establish my lunatic cred before Matt Gaetz gets the media all to himself.”
And Donnie Dotard when to England, apparently seeking the novelty of being mocked and loathed in a different accent for a change. The Brits certainly gave him the welcome he deserved; they trolled our Engorged Tick President so hard I'm starting to think we should reapply for colony status. Look, I know we got mad the last time they burned down the White House, but if anybody felt like taking another crack at it, I bet we could get the mysterious Anonymous Op-Ed Author to replace the fire extinguishers with silly string dispensers. That'd be a hoot, huh?
Anyway. He picked juvenile fights with Meghan Markle and the Mayor of London, and probably tried to dry-hump Big Ben, because hey, the American people were counting on him to embarrass the shit out of us, and that's the one field where he'll never let us down. Doddering old fuck even managed to say something stupid about the fucking FLOOR, because of course he did.
Now, I know we're used to getting buried up to our chins in bat guano every single day here in Shitty Wonderland, but the President of the United States calling for a boycott of an American company that employs more than 270,000 people takes us firmly into Ionesco-on-bath-salts territory.
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was already colicky over not being able to watch his precious Fux Nooz while in England (because it was cancelled due to abysmal ratings HAHAHAHAHAH), forcing him to watch CNN (he sure as heck wasn't gonna read his dumb ol’ security briefing), which, unlike Fux, does not fellate him 24/7. And so he took to the tweetymachine to attack an American job creator, piss on the first amendment, and probably kidney-punch a bald eagle, all at once.
Trump Transition Team Toady George Nader got arrested today for transporting child pornography, and I'm starting to think all that hullabaloo about hiring “the best people” was less than sincere. Nader was a prominent witness in the Mueller investigation, and has ties to scumbags from Washington to Riyadh and back, so one can't help but wonder what interesting little tidbits of information he might be offering the feds to stay out of jail...
And now I see there's actually a group of Republican Congressjags trying to get Steve Fucking King's committee assignments back, I guess cuz things just aren't the same without an open white supremacist shitsack weighing in on what our laws should be. Anyway, I'm a member of the party that's against "giving the white nationalist more power,” so I can look myself in the mirror tonight.
Of course there's more. There's always more. There're hearings and contempt votes and tiger and bears and who the fuck knows what else, but I'm beaten down by this shit tonight, and I haven't even started drinking yet. What I'm saying is that it's time to start drinking.
*Yeah, there's not enough room in this blog to list ‘em, but we can start with the ridiculous ears and the racism.
**I was way more afraid of gingivitis than dictatorship when I was a younger. Stupid kid.
***Fuck, I spent more time than that mourning the Morgan Freeman character in UNFORGIVEN. Um, “spoilers,” I guess.
The President is Afraid of a Dead Man's Name on the Side of a Boat, & Other News (Ferret/Shower Cap)
It's always nice when Shithead leaves the country, isn't it? The air just smells a little cleaner, which I assume is the absence of experimental hair tonic fumes and overdone steak farts. Anyway, it looks like Customs let the fucker back in, so I guess it's back to work, Resisters.
(As is customary, you can find this post, with allllll those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-president-is-afraid-of-a-dead-mans-name-on-the-side-of-a-boat-other-news/)
Of course, Dorito Mussolini certainly wasn't going to let a journey abroad interfere with his favorite pastime; losing in court. This latest humiliating failure involved his blatantly unconstitutional scheme to circumvent Congress’ refusal to fund his Big Stupid Wall by declaring a state of emergency, where the emergency was “I'm too shitty at my job to get what I want.” Weird that that didn't work. I swear, if Donald Trump had to duel the Devil at Losing in Court, it wouldn't be close.
While in Japan, Fat Q*Bert mostly whined and sulked about the news back home, periodically jumping through hoops for Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. He did take time out to high-five Kim Jong-un, aka That Guy Who Keeps Firing Missiles at Japan, for taking a dig at Joe Biden, or perhaps Joe Bidan, whichever one is trouncing him in every available Rust Belt poll.
What's really amazing here is, Strawberry Shartcake really thinks Kim is his BUD, rather than a murderous, third-rate, goon who can't believe his luck that the President of the Whole Goddamn United States is such a pliable doofus that he can flatter his way out of any consequences for torturing an American citizen to death.
Of course, what does it say when the dude who's effortlessly manipulated by such a cheap thug plays YOU like a fiddle? Because the Failing-for-real-this-time New York Times apparently could think of no greater use for its precious column inches than a chronicle of Weehands McNodick’s juvenile nicknames for his political opponents, and yeah if you think I'm linking to that shit, this stupid mask must be workin', cuz you don't know me at all.
In other news, I guess Jon Voight is an idiot. That's kinda interesting. Or not. I really enjoyed his work in Midnight Cowboy, but he sure turned out to be one dumb motherfucker, didn't he?
Back home, Alabama Congressdoorknob Mo Brooks unveiled a bold new theory, attributing rising sea levels not to climate change but to, and holy fuck I feel stupid just typing this, dirt and rocks falling into the ocean. Hmmm...y'know what, I'm gonna go out a limb and bet that your research isn't quite peer-reviewed, Mo. I tell you folks, if we just put childproof locks on the doors to the House Chamber, we could solve 80% of the nation's problems overnight.
Duncan Hunter, in an effort to defend a war criminal (which is, I guess, something that Duncan Hunter feels is a worthwhile endeavor for whatever reason), casually admitted that he, too, has posed for photos with an enemy corpse, while serving in the Marine Corps. Between Hunter and Brooks, I have to ask...do y’all understand what cameras are? Do you comprehend that when you say creepy and/or stupid shit in front of one, the whole world will quickly discover how creepy and/or stupid you are?
Dude's under indictment for honey bunches of crimes already, is he going for some sort of “incurable sociopath” defense? “As you can plainly see, your honor, I've been a raging asshat my entire life. Frankly, any day I get through without kicking an old lady or drowning a puppy merits a pizza party, in my view. With cake. Ice cream cake.”
So, the wedding planner that the Velveeta Vulgarian installed as a high-ranking HUD official (this time period is gonna confuse the fuck out of historians) felt it was very important to let the American people know how little she cares that she's violating the Hatch Act. Later, Kellyanne Conway sneeringly concurred that laws are indeed for cucks. Now, I don't want to seem alarmist, but we've officially arrived at the point in the story where the (aggressively subpar) agents of the regime feel comfortable openly mocking the rule of law, and that is, I submit to you, decidedly not bangarang.
This is gonna seem ultra-weird under our swamp-draining, hyper-transparent, not-even-slightly-nepotistic administration, but Jared Kushner's mega-corrupt family business, despite their well-publicized recent struggles to get out from under a terrible Manhattan real estate deal, somehow managed to procure a federally-backed $800 million loan! Some folks're just lucky, I guess!
Oh and some genius “political analyst” figured it'd be a really awesome joke if he made up a “plausible"-sounding Trump quote to follow up on the Biden/Kim shenanigans, and it went so well, Government Cheese Goebbels himself merrily presented it to the world as an example of the devious, dishonest, Fake Nooz Left out to discredit and destroy him, and thanks to your little gag, Ian Bremmer, he got to be 100% in the right this time. Anyway, if we all end up in camps, you definitely get the bottom bunk, bro, for lending these wannabe-fascists a helping hand in their quest to destroy the free press.
Bloomberg reports that Mick Mulvaney and Alex Acosta are waging themselves a little jagoff turf war over control of the Department of Labor. Golly, who do even you root for when two of history's leading ballsacktumors butt heads? It's like choosing between the rabid hyena gnawing on your face and the Ebola virus liquefying your organs, y'know?
Michael Wolff, who is apparently still fond of money, has a shiny new book coming out, full of salacious-if-totally-unfounded clickbait, but this time around it feels like “sorry bro, now that we have kiddie koncentration kamps and daily constitutional crises, your fanfic where Steve Bannon comes off like a catty little bitch just doesn't feel shocking anymore, but thanks for playing.
Secretary of Transportation/Tortoise Aficionado Elaine Chao seems to have changed her mind about divesting herself of stock in a company DoT would oversee, because ethics just don't keep Mitch in turtle chow, y’all. At this point, these bastards are just trying to see how much shit they can get away with without even landing in the A section of the paper. Mark my words, Steve Mnuchin's gonna open a meth lab right in the Treasury Building, and then to one-up him, Sonny Perdue'll have to beat an intern to death with a lead pipe on Meet the Press. Transportation Sec unethically lining her pockets? Shit, that shares a page with the crossword or a fuckin’ Macy's ad.
Not content with their daily betrayals of the United States of America, the Turdmaggot Administration wants to do all it can to fuck up the whole dang world, so they're ramping up their assault on climate science by preventing government scientists from using computer generated models that actually, y'know, tell us the things we need to know about whether or not the planet will be inhabitable in the future. Something you, dear reader, probably don't know about climate change is, if enough conservatives close their eyes really tight, cover their ears as hard as they can, and chant NEENERNEENERNEENER loud enough, the planet's climate automatically reverts to normal, and the emissions from fossil fuels suddenly cure cancer and also give off a refreshing pine scent. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS.
So you probably saw the thing where Mitch McConnell smirkingly declared that the rule he pulled straight out of his reptilian rectum to block Merrick Garland's Supreme Court appointment would magically disintegrate should a new vacancy arise in 2020, because he runs the U.S. Senate like a shitty, white supremacist, Calvinball game. Infuriating, yes?
Yeah, Wrinkly Gamera just loooooooooves getting under your skin, but I say don't take the bait. You wanna piss Mitch McConnell off? Send him to the minority. Watch him flail and twitch and rage through the twilight of his career as we methodically undo his life's work. Or better yet, defeat him next year so he can do all that flailing/twitching/raging even more ineffectually, at home.
So, Bodacious Bob Mueller assembled the press, and therefore the American people, to say “Hey, READ MY SHIT! I made this report, I worked REALLY hard on it, Bill Barr even let me use the office laminating machine for the cover, and I don't wanna be pushy or anything, but rather than blindly accepting the spin of whichever pundits comfortingly parrot your own beliefs back at you, maybe you could shut off the teevee, put down your phone, and, I dunno, READ WHAT I ACTUALLY FUCKING WROTE?!?!”
“Maybe I can just walk y’all through a few bullet point before I go on the most deserved vacation in American history. RUSSIA ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES. The United States is the country where we all live, and I wouldn't bring that up if it didn't seem like some of y’all in Congress hadn't gotten a little confused on that point, what with McConnell repeatedly blocking bills to shore up election security against future attacks. Look, I've been busy, but is DEFENDING THE MOTHERFUCKING HOMELAND FROM FOREIGN ATTACKS partisan now? Because if so, I'm handing in my secret elephant decoder ring, 'kay?”
“And by the way, the only reason I didn't indict Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is because he is way too good at business and also I was afraid he might strangle me to death with his totally-normal-sized hands JUST KIDDING it’s because he's the sitting President. If he wasn't President, he’d be in fucking jail right now. Shit, he'd have six or seven jails fighting over who gets him. I'm kind of not allowed to say ‘impeach the motherfucker,’ but ‘im-each-pay uh-thay otherfucker-may,’ if you catch my drift...do I have to fucking sit here and tap out ‘impeach him’ in Morse code with my motherfucking finger on this motherfucking lectern?”
And somehow, the world exploded, like he said something, anything, beyond what he wrote in the report that was released weeks ago, even though he absolutely did not. Apparently, America just needs to hear Robert Mueller say shit himself. Maybe I should hire him to read my humble blog aloud, or to ask that one cute barista out for me.
Rick Perry, who continues to serve as Energy Secretary primarily because he gets a kick out of going to regular cabinet meetings where he's not the biggest buffoon in the room for a change, finds himself presiding over a desperate bid to rebrand fossil fuels as “Freedom Gas,” or even “Molecules of U.S. freedom.” What's the problem, Rick? Was “Patriot Smoke” taken? “Emancipation Vapor?” Anyhow, I think Rick Perry has the mother lode of Freedom Gas between his ears HAW HAW HAW TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
If you happen to be allergic to patheticness, you were likely hospitalized this week in the wake of the news about Shart House aides frantically trying to cover up all evidence of the USS John S. McCain during President Crotchvoid's Japan trip because the commander in chief of the most powerful military force the world has ever known possesses all the crippling insecurity of a zit-riddled sixth-grader at his first school dance, who was so awkward that he actually brought a book to read rather than displaying his desperation in front of all his classmates and holy hell this sentence got autobiographical in a hurry MOVING ON.
Anyway, the next President shouldn't be the single most pitiful man in America, is all I'm saying. The next President shouldn't be AFRAID OF A NAME ON THE SIDE OF A BOAT.
Just as a side note, if it were up to me, I woulda painted a great big fuckin’ thumbs down on the side of that destroyer, give Shartolo Colon the welcome he deserves.
Secret documents from a prominent Republican ratfucker reveal the Very Fine Administration's proposed census immigration question, currently awaiting SCOTUS ruling, was indeed drafted with enshrining institutionalized white supremacy in mind, kinda like, y'know, EVERY SINGLE THING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DOES THESE DAYS. Don't worry, I'm sure Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch will do the right thing and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOTCHA.
Hey, have you met Scott Warren? Scott's facing a potential 20 year prison sentence. Now, since a Tennessee pastor recently got just 12 years for repeatedly raping his own daughter, Scott must've done something genuinely heinous, right? Well you see, and you may want to shield young children from the remainder of this paragraph...Scott Warren gave food and water to a couple of migrants in the Arizona desert.
Look, Scott, your federal government wants to torture and terrorize migrants, not help them! Compassionate conservatism is as extinct as Stephen Miller's spray-on hair experiment, and if our white supremacist government has to lock you up because the light of your decency shines too brightly on the evils of their dehumanization campaign, then so be it.
Roy Moore, with more free time than he knows what to do with now that he's been banned from every mall and playground in Alabama, keeps making noises about another Senate run. Republicans want you to believe they oppose Moore's candidacy because of his history of sexual deviancy, but PedoPal Alex Acosta's ongoing Labor Secretaryship dispels that particular spin rather thoroughly; nah, while the GOP's tolerance for crime of all stripes is limitless, the one thing they cannot abide is a loser. Still, the Carcinogenic Creamsicle wants the world to know he has “NOTHING against Roy Moore,” which is a strange thing to say, on account of Moore being a FUCKING PEDOPHILE. Like my grandpappy used to say, “Son, don't walk through this life concerned about the esteem of child molesters.” I have that cross-stitched, in a folksy little frame, on the wall of my apartment.
Heh. Looks like the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits lost track of his lies for a moment, and accidentally admitted that th'Russians provided the booster seat he sits on behind the Resolute desk. He tried to delete the tweet and walk back his confession, but sorry, Shart-O...no do-overs.
Rough one tonight, huh? There's some legitimately scary shit going down these days, so I think everybody deserves a first-Thanksgiving-home-from-college-sized portion of good news, just as a reminder that while everything that's good and decent about this country seems to be under assault from a thousand different directions every single goddamn day, the good guys are still winning a few.
Now that team blue is runnin’ the show in Nevada, a big fat criminal justice reform bill has been signed into law, including felon re-enfranchisement! Call it the Reverse DeSantis Maneuver. Maybe “WE'RE not afraid of voters” should be the official Democratic Party slogan.
Plus, New Hampshire abolished the death penalty, an act made all the sweeter by the legislature telling Republican Governor Chris Sununu precisely where he can stick his veto*.
But for me, the schadenfreude maraschino cherry on this week’s Go Fuck Yourself sundae has to be the ouster of Texas Secretary of State David Whitley, whose KKKobachian attempt at a massive voter roll purge went too far even for a traditional Republican stronghold. Turns out that Beto-led blue surge down in the Lone Star State was just big enough to have real impact. Elections matter, folks. All of ‘em.
And a big shout-out to CNN for that rare act of brutally honest journalism, calling President Liar McLieface out for his “flurry of lies!” If you're truly committed to staying on the truth train, maybe you could also mention that he doesn't know how to tie a necktie, close an umbrella, or buy pants that don't look ridiculous.
Well, I think we're more or less caught up now, Shower Captives. Thank you for bearing with me during a week when the madness in my personal life threatened to match the Category 5 turd hurricane that is the daily news. There's been a little extra stress, but nothing a six-pack here and there hasn't been able to fix.
PS - Of course, while I was writing, President Shartcannon, in his wisdom, figured he could just impose tariffs on Mexico until they solved his “immigration crisis” for him. Anyway, congrats on your new tax, America...I wonder how many billions we get to pay to bail the economy out this time?
*Up his ass, is the implication here. He can stick his veto up his ass. Just wanted to be clear.
Cap's Memorial Day Madness Blowout! Every Remaining Shred of Sanity MUST GO! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable.
(As always, you can find this post, with helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/caps-memorial-day-madness-blowout-every-remaining-shred-of-sanity-must-go/)
Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck They Let This Moron Cut Into People's Brains tour to the House Financial Services Committee, where he revealed that even after two years as HUD secretary, he knows less about his department than college kids who don't even make the interview stage for internships. Orange County Superfreshman Rep Katie Porter asked him if he knew what “REO,” a common term in his alleged field, meant, and Carson said “I would like to answer, but I Can't Fight This Feeling that you're asking me something I don't know, so it's Time For Me to Fly; I better Take it On the Run before I embarrass myself any further.”
Speaking of HUD, the MAGAjag Roundtable that meets in the Hall of Doom (or Trump Tower: Slaughter Swamp, as it is now called) decided that the last remaining obstacle to American greatness was a rule that prevents administrators from kicking transgender people out of homeless shelters, because we are governed by cruel people with no aspirations higher than inflicting harm on the vulnerable.
You could be forgiven for confusing the above story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections with the OTHER story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections, this time in regards to discrimination in health care. Gracious, you need a scorecard to keep track of all the ways these malignant shitsacks are reversing hard-won civil rights progress HAW HAW HAW GET IT A SCORECARD (weeps).
Don't believe me? There's more. They're undoing regulations that forbid federally-funded adoption agencies from discriminating against LGBTQ citizens, because truly, there is no right more sacred than that of the smug, hateful, Kim Davis crowd to feel the sweet rush of petty tyranny that comes from wielding their phony “faith” as a cudgel to hurt another human being.
Secret documents revealed Russian plans to weaponize America's largest renewable resource (that’s “hateful morons,” if you're new) against itself, hoping to stoke racial divides even to the point of violence. Let's all pause to enjoy a dark chuckle at Russia's increased popularity among Republicans, as the direct result of their ongoing efforts to destroy us. Personally, I intend to fight the poison before it kills my country, rather than giddily chugging it down like a fucking Big Gulp, but then, I am a cuck.
At his latest Klan rally, Hairplug Himmler, who surely understands that the office of the presidency is the only thing keeping him out of jail, floated the idea of serving as many as five terms, what a merry jest. I say try it, fucker. Do away with term limits, we bring Obama back, you walk away from that beating with 7 votes and a half-eaten Hot Pocket in the electoral college.
Former cast regular Rex Tillerson returned for a cameo, testifying behind closed doors before the House Foreign Affairs Committee. The one snippet that leaked was about how Vladimir Putin “out-prepared” President Crotchrot at their Hamburg, Germany meeting, and thus ran circles around him. Shit, Rex, any grade school kid who takes periodic breaks from guzzling paste to glance at the chalkboard would have Donnie Dotard out-prepared. We've watched fourth-rate fascist Kim Jong-un play him like a fiddle, of COURSE a legit KGB operative like Putin was able slide his arm up Trump's ass all the way to the elbow and make him perform Who's On First.
Looks like KKKris KKKobach's ridiculous demands for 20% of the executive branch's power plus also a pony led to him losing the “immigration czar” gig to his rival in hyper-racist far-right shitbaggery, Ken Cuccinelli. Trying pick who's the bigger jagoff, Ken or KKKris, is like trying to decide whether you'd rather gargle cat shit or thumbtacks.
A Mississippi state legislator, Doug McLeod, got arrested for punching his wife. Why did this neanderthal taintfungus punch his wife? Well you see, he drunkenly demanded sex, and determined that said wife was not undressing quickly enough for his liking, so he punched her in face, as one does, when one is a fucking monster. You're probably wondering, “Hey Cap, is this McLeod thug one of them fake Christian Republicans, who voted for a horrendously restrictive abortion ban in the name of religious rules he can't be bothered to follow in his own personal life?” Oh ye of little faith! Our boy Dougie here CO-SPONSORED Mississippi's fetal heartbeat ban, because FAMBLY VALYOOZ.
An internal memo at the IRS conceded that yes, the law is still a thing, and we have to turn Shart Garfunkel's tax returns, and all the plentiful evidence of criminal activity contained therein, over to Congress. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said that's all well and good, but he didn't get appointed to this wannabe tyrant's cabinet to follow the law, anyway, please don't send me to jail, there's no fucking way Louise will stay faithful, I'm not stupid, I know she married me for the money, Christ, have you seen me, I look like a potato that got run over by a mail truck.
William Barr doesn't want to go jail either, so the Justice Department agreed to turn over documents from the Mueller investigation to Adam Schiff and the House Intelligence Committee. As part of the capitulation, Schiff is also permitted to pick through the sack lunch Barr brings from home every day, and take whatever he likes, yes, even the fun-size Snickers he packs on Wednesdays as a little hump day treat.
Getting back to Mnuchbag real quick, he also poked his misshapen little plutocrat head out to say “We will not, as our predecessors (who were significantly less shitty people than we are) previously announced, be putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill because we are white supremacist dickbags, DUH.” Just one of the thousand little ways these fucks are hanging a big, fat, Whites Only sign on the USA.
More and more films and television shows are pulling out of Georgia in protest of their draconian anti-abortion law. Don't worry about it, regressives, we know how much y’all hate those “Hollywood values,” we wouldn't want you to sully your hands with any filthy Hollywood money. Anyway, good luck with your budget!
Nancy Pelosi moved into her summer home beneath the Velveeta Vulgarian’s ultra-thin skin, with a little press conference where she mentioned one of the crimes he's committed, and frankly I thought it was quite kind of her to leave the other five-dozen-or-so out, but Weehands McNodick melted down anyway, throwing the kind of tantrum that tends to get families banned from Denny's for life.
Yes, he vowed to do no business with the Democratic Party until they abandoned their dastardly oversight, so I guess we're looking at the very first presidential strike in American history. If anybody feels like crossing that particular picket line, I'll suspend my usual policy of disapproving of such things.
A fun little sidebar here, as Nancy casually swatted Kellyanne Conway away like an unusually dishonest fruit fly, and Conway feebly attempted to use the incident to paint herself as some sort of feminist martyr, perhaps hoping everyone had forgotten how she literally worked for the Legitimate Rape guy. Oh then there's her current gig.
But probably the most hilarious aspect is, the meeting the Manchurian Manchild blew up with his little hissy fit was supposed to be over a potential bipartisan infrastructure package, i.e. the one and only chance he has of accomplishing anything even mildly popular between now and November 2020. While the brainwashed will doubtlessly still insist he's playing 27-dimensional chess, the truth is more like they're playing regular chess, and Nancy's opening move is the thing with the horsey, and then Donnie thinks real hard for ten minutes, goes to the kitchen to retrieve a potato masher, and just starts whaling away at his own nutsack until he passes out.
Or wait, maybe the funniest part was the camera picking up the Bonespur Buttplug's handwritten notes, for his post-tantrum follow-up tantrum, this time for the press, berating Dems for having “No Achomlishments!” Jesus. After decades of inhaling the fumes from experimental hair tonics, his never-terrifically-impressive brain has decomposed to a few feeble clusters of misfiring neurons, centered on basic, animalistic, impulses like “hate,” “insecurity,” “thirst for fame” and "desire to fuck daughter.” Certainly there's no room available for higher functions like “understanding tariffs” or “how umbrellas work.”
And he keeps bellowing “no do-overs!” because, as we all know, the Constitution stipulates that the criminal justice system must operate by playground kickball rules. Roundly mocked for behaving like a full-diapered child, he called yet another press conference, to throw yet another tantrum about how he never threw the other tantrums everybody watched him throw, even forcing his craven staff to lie for him to that effect. I bet he missed Reince Priebus that day. Reince was REALLY good at those public groveling sessions.
Unable to cope with the effortless ease with which the Speaker manipulates their Turd Emperor, the pathetic rubes of Cult45 fled, as they always do, to a soothing alternate reality, distributing an obviously-altered video with Nancy's speech slowed and slurred. Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops even tweeted out a snotty little video of his own. In all fairness, I'd probably lash out too if my political nemesis kept my balls in a tiny jar on her desk.
Anyway, everybody pulls this shit. When we post videos of Trump making an ass of himself, we have to make massive cuts so they don't all run the length of a damn David Lean film, don't we? See? BOTH SIDES! (That one's for you, Chuck Todd.)
Hey look, New York State passed a law allowing state tax officials to hand the Grifter Grand Wizard's tax returns to the U.S. Congress on a silver fucking platter! Hey, maybe we can farm all this shit out to the states. If Florida makes it illegal to charge the Secret Service to pee at his tacky-ass golf resort, and Ohio cracks down on inciting violence at political rallies and maybe New Jersey imposes a hefty sentence for ruining a perfectly good steak by overcooking it and dousing it in ketchup, we can nickel and dime this fucker to death.
Jesus. Hey, let's take a moment to laugh at bad things happening to garbage people, huh? Just as like, a palate cleanser, between the heaping plates of shit that make up the various courses of our typical news cycle, here in Hell?
Across the pond, Noted Eurotrashpile Nigel Farage, looking to project strength ahead of upcoming elections, cowered in fear of a small number of milkshake-wielding protesters. God, I haven't seen an asshat get so thoroughly cucked by a dairy product since Alex Jones was forced to beg forgiveness from yogurt.
And spare a chuckle for Michael Avenatti, who once dreamed of jousting with the Not-So-Great Pumpkin on the debate stage, but will now have to settle for competing over who accumulates the most federal indictments, and, eventually, who has successfully hoarded the most toilet paper in their prison cell.
Oh, and Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is always good for a laugh.
Game of Thrones isn't the only show getting spinoffs, as an offshoot of the Mueller investigation yielded the indictment of a Chicago banking executive who tried to bribe Precocious Paul Manafort into hooking him up with a cabinet post. Man, who's this bottom-feeding dork who tried to bribe his way into this crooked cabal, and FAILED? Now you get to go prison, plus the whole world knows you got passed over in favor of pond scum like Ryan Zinke and Scott Pruitt. You're the grifter equivalent of the one guy creepy enough to get socially rejected by an incel message board.
Good news, everyone! We get to fund another multi-billion-dollar bailout of the farmers that keep getting kidney-punched by the Adderall-Addled Assclown's moronic trade war! If we're good all year, maybe Santa will let us pay for another one next year! It's interesting, don'tcha think, that when a hurricane ravages Hispanic communities, Sharty McFly whinges and moans about financing the recovery, but when his rockheaded blunders hurt those he perceives as his base, he gets to reach into every American taxpayer’s pocket to fund the resulting bribe?
And not only do we get to foot the bill for Le Grande Merde's entirely avoidable mistakes, we're also on the hook for his leisure activities, yay! And lucky us, we finally got to see the moment when the grift odometer rolled over to $100 million in golf trip charges, much of which lands right in his greedy little pocket. What Congress should do is offer him $100 million for his Big Dumb Wall on the condition he stays in Washington every weekend for the rest of his term...and watch him reject it.
Surely no one is more thankful for the misguided self-righteousness of Rust Belt third-party voters than murderous autocrat Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud, who has certainly enjoyed having his very own pet American President these past two years. Not only has Tangerine Idi Amin vetoed a bipartisan bill to end America's support of Saudi Arabia's genocidal war in Yemen, but now he's found a loophole to slither through so he can sell the Saudis even more exciting new weapons to murder children with. Shit, he's probably ordering the Pentagon to develop state of the art journalist-dismembering technology to deliver to his thuggish paymaster.
Oh hey, speaking of dead kids and American-government-sponsored terrorism, the number of migrant children who have died in custody keeps growing. In fairness, the most recent one we've learned of seems to have actually died last fall, they've just been covering it up till now. I bet Stephen Miller leaked it, because it doesn't work as terrorism if nobody knows about it.
There had been an impasse between Congress and the Shart House on a disaster relief bill; President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic had both objected to $900 million in funding for Puerto Rico, and demanded billions for his Big Stupid Wall. As a compromise, he accepted every bit of the Puerto Rico funding in exchange for exactly zero wall dollars, because as bad as he is at most aspects of his job, it is in the realm of negotiation* where he demonstrates his greatest incompetence.
Over in the House, the bill, which needed unanimous consent to pass, got held up by a single GOP Congresstwerp, some Civil-War-reenactor-looking motherfucker actually named “Chip Roy.” You may recall Cap's 39th Theory of Republicans; the first time you hear one of those interchangeable, mediocre, conservative backbencher's names, it's because he's fucking something up.** Anyhow, sorry, suffering Americans, Chip Roy has unilaterally decided you deserve to go a few more days without your disaster relief.
Given the prompt, “hey, I know that ‘understanding the law’ isn't really your ‘thing,’ but treason is punishable by death, anyway now let's play Fuck/Marry/Execute with the law enforcement community,” Toupee Fiasco, with disturbing nonchalance, rattled off the names of several FBI officials involved in the Russia investigation, as people he would like to have murdered for betraying him. First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she'd sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do. Second, allowing traitors to prosecute those investigating their own treason for treason seems unwise.
Now that Malodorous Cat Neglector Julian Assange is out of the Ecuadorian embassy, the whole world is competing to see who gets to throw him in deepest darkest dungeon forever. While the United States had already announced one slate of perfectly sensible charges, of course the Treasonweasel Administration had to throw an authoritarian assault on press freedoms on the fire, ruining everyone's s'mores by making them fascist. So a spat between two of the most despicable men on Earth has devolved into an existential threat to the first amendment, because that's how shit goes down, here in HELL.
After years of obstructing all the justice he could wrap his tiny, inadequate, hands around, the Marmalade Shartcannon sang a very different tune when it came to his dictatorial plan to investigate his investigators. He's given William Barr All the Power to Declassify Everything Everywhere and Also Just Flat Out Make Shit Up Just Kidding But Not Really Wink Wink. Pretty much everyone in America has been ordered to cooperate with his utterly corrupt misappropriation of the apparatus of power; in fact, YOU, dear reader, have just been ordered by SHARTUS to drop everything and head over to James Comey's house to go through his trash.
Theresa May finally announced her resignation, and if this starts some hip new trend where incompetent, nation-wrecking, buffoons go away forever, I'm all for it. All the cool kids are doing it, Donnie!
Oh, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot authorized another 1,500 troops for the Middle East? Some may see this as dangerous escalation, but I think we'll be ok, after all, the President is surrounded by well-informed advisors like Jared Kushner, and totally-non-bloodthirsty maniacs like John Bolton, what could possibly go wrong?
And CNN reports that Strawberry Shartcake's staff doesn't like tagging along with their scrotal tumor boss on international trips, cuz he gets all colicky and shit. Dang, I'm sorry you experience such discomfort while you're FUCKING UP MY COUNTRY. I have some shit you can eat if that helps.
Dear lord, what a mess. I need a drink. And then nine more drinks. Just a heads up, with the long holiday weekend, the usual Monday night blog update will likely be pushed to Tuesday. I hope the holiday brings you joy and relaxation, you deserve it. I personally plan on spending it smuggling contraband DVDs of the Arthur gay wedding episode into Alabama. Do take a moment or two to reflect on all those who gave so much for this beautiful nation, because if we don't pry it back from the mendacious mediocrities currently in power, the ghosts of those brave men and women are gonna haunt the shit out of us forever.
*Dare I say...the “art of the deal?”
**Don't look that up. It was probably the 17th Theory or something the last time I brought it up. I don't have an editor, I spend all my money on beer.
Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit.
(As usual, you can find this post with all the relevant links on Cap's blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/justin-amash-just-fell-off-a-whole-lotta-xmas-card-lists-other-news-from-hell/)
From the state Republican Party that brought you “Legitimate Rape,” comes an exciting new brand in patriarchal condescension: “Consensual Rape!" Yeah, that novel concept was put forth by a melting-vanilla-ice-cream-cone-lookin’ fucker named Barry Hovis, explaining why he was so giddily legislating away women's reproductive rights. I absolutely shudder to imagine the trilogy-completing phrase that'll dribble down one of these miseducated Missouri misogynyokel's rubbery chins some day soon.
So, Ben Carson did indeed break the law with his little taxpayer-funded furniture spree, surprising no one. Have you noticed that all the headlines have framed the story that way, “Ben Carson broke the law?” There's another way to put that, if you're brave or, y'know...honest; ”Ben Carson is a criminal.” That's what somebody who breaks the law is called. Anyway, whatever you feel like labeling it, rest assured Dr. Ben's criminal behavior will in no way endanger his ongoing employment in the Treasonweasel Cabinet. Shit, he'll probably get a raise.
Redactor General William Barr went on Fux Nooz to chat a bit about how he's reshaping the U.S. Department of Justice into one that serves only those who treat the nuttiest Breitbart comments section shitposters as “reliable news sources,” instead of all Americans, because that's just too much dang work. Maybe we're being too hard on Billy B., who's only acting out of his sincere belief in executive power, which he seems to think should land somewhere in the Infinity Gauntlet range, even when it's wielded by a white supremacist goon whose brain is frequently overmatched by the wily umbrella.
In a page right out of Shart Garfunkel's (presumably ghostwritten) book, Jim Jordan proclaimed himself vindicated by a report that absolutely did not vindicate him. It was probably wishful thinking to imagine his heavily-gerrymandered district would reject him over the sex abuse scandal anyway; I don't imagine one votes for a sneering, subpar, lightweight like Jordon because one is seeking the next Daniel Webster...he hates the same people you hate, and that'll do.
The Republican Party, which practically hired a Cirque du Soleil troop to design a show based around their demand that Democrats return Harvey Weinstein's donations (months after said donations were returned), accepted 400 grand from celebrity sex criminal Steve Wynn. I swear, the one unifying principle of the modern GOP is shittiness. Roy Moore is a pedophile and Steve King is a white supremacist and Greg Gianforte is a violent criminal and Ron Johnson is just a thumb in a wig and Trent Franks is a skeevy-ass pervert and Duncan Hunter is an embezzler and if I chose to, I could keep on writing this sentence for the rest of my motherfucking life.
Perhaps you think I'm being snarky, or unfair. I think my little theory holds up pretty fuckin’ well, when we consider the news that the turd-gargling head of this party apparently wants to abuse his pardon power to let some legitimate monsters off the hook for their WAR CRIMES. Look, letting Dinesh D'Souza strut and crow on the internet is one thing, but we're talking about dudes who slaughtered civilians here. A walking horror who murdered a girl with a sniper rifle, among other, equally abominable crimes. And Government Cheese Goebbels wants to drop his filthy little stunt pardons on Memorial Day, just really rub in his disdain for all the honorable men and women who have served our country.
I confess, I thought it was weird when torturing/terrorizing children became a partisan issue, but now that we're on opposite sides of the “dudes who shoot kids to death should be prosecuted” line, I am more secure than ever in choosing team blue. Looking forward to 2020 platform planks like "Things Still Matter,” “Crime is Still Bad” and “I Didn't Think We Need to Mention This But Don't Hurt Children.”
Looks like Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn got caught sending admiring texts to Dead-Eyed RageGlob Matt Gaetz, while he was supposed to be cooperating with the Mueller investigation. People have said that Flynn's status as an unregistered agent of a foreign power made his appointment as NSA inappropriate and dangerous, and they're right, but we should also talk about the alarm bells that oughta go off when anybody looks at a festering sweat sock like Gaetz and sees “leadership.”
Vice President Mike Pants was delivering a commencement address about “traditional Christian beliefs,” a topic he knows not one fucking thing about, and a few dozen patriotic graduates and faculty members walked out on his lying, theocratic, ass. Good. Unlike Mikey Hairshirt's theatrical walkout at an NFL game a little while back, this protest had the dual benefit of being ethically sincere, and cost-free to U.S. taxpayers.
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle seems to have backed down on a plan, conceived in corners of Stephen Miller's hate-warped skull so dark and vile no spray-on hair could ever hope to mask them, to release detained migrants into sanctuary cities, because using vulnerable refugees as pawns in a game of petty political vindictiveness is the sort of thing that gets discussed when you fill the halls of power with the spitefully mediocre.
And the hate seems to be trickling down to the rank and file, as in the case of Border Patrol Agent Matthew Bowen, who thought it was totally unfair that he had to treat migrants like human beings, and therefore decided to try to kill one with his truck. Bowen is precisely the sort of violent, racist, thug who shouldn't be allowed within a light year of a law enforcement job, so expect him to pardoned and appointed HHS Secretary by Thanksgiving.
Easily the single strangest occurrence of the entire Shart Administration came over the weekend, when an elected Republican official actually stood up for his oft-proclaimed principles, and the rule of law. Yes, Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, having read the Mueller report (reading will be partisan soon, mark my words) simply pointed out the rather obvious truth, that Tangerine Idi Amin has committed impeachable offenses. Still, seeing such uncharacteristic courage and honesty from a congressional Republican was like watching an armadillo strike out Joey Votto on three pitches; totally awesome, but the last fucking thing you were expecting.
And the GOP, which merrily embraced open white supremacist Steve King for more than a decade, has decided Justin is no longer allowed to join in any of their reindeer games. The shunning has been as swift and complete as in any in Hawthorne. Of course there's already a feral primary challenger. At least now we understand the root of the crippling terror that never quite left Jeff Flake's eyes.
The New York Times published a whole article about how Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot swears more than most presidents, and the very last thread of my sanity snapped, like, “Yeah, a bungling dumbass keeps curb-stomping the economy with his misguided trade war while his murder-crazed advisors try to force us into war with Iran and children keep dying in the concentration camps our government runs in our name and pays for with our tax money, but DON-DON SAID A NO-NO WORD STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!”
But I will cut the Gray Lady* a little slack, cuz they also published the article about how anti-money-laundering specialists at Deutsche Bank found some transactions involving the Trumps and Kushners that looked shady as hell, so they told management, who were all, “Money laundering and loaning that Braindead Sherbet Pile funds are literally the two things we’re famous for. Anyway, you're fired.”
The bit about “suspicious transfers between Kushner Companies and Russian individuals during the 2016 campaign” seems like it deserves a wee bit more attention than it's getting, so please print out tonight's blog, circle this paragraph with the most colorful marker you can find, and stick it to the fridge in the break room at work, because maybe the Most Bribable of All Possible Sons-in-Law secretly stuffing his pants full of oligarch rubles is the sort of thing somebody ought to be looking into.
Yacht-Juggling Privilege Demon Betsy DeVos got caught using personal e-mail for official government business, and, having violated the core principal of modern conservatism, will now be crucified on Trey Gowdy's front lawn, because the rules apply to everyone equally. Incidentally, Shower Cap's Blog is sponsored by Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, penny buys a bottle, guaranteed.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown really doesn't want Don McGahn to share all the super-secret, totally-exonerating, details of his cherubic innocence with the House Judiciary Committee, probably because America doesn't deserve to bask in the radiant glow of his purity after laughing at all those SNL sketches. Between this, and Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag's own defiance of a congressional subpoena, I just want to flip forward to the chapter where we find out whether or not the rule of law survives.
And the Velveeta Vulgarian continued his DiMaggioesque losing-in-court streak, as a federal judge denied his (admittedly pathetic) attempt to stop his accounting firm from complying with a congressional subpoena (different one this time). Shithead loses in court all the time, but this one feels special, since it means getting ahold of secrets he's been desperately guarding his whole misbegotten life. Charge me whatever you like, I just want a front-row seat.
House Intel released Michael Cohen's recent testimony publicly, including the Sensei of Sez-Hoo's claim that Jay Sekulow instructed him to lie to Congress in his earlier testimony, and you know, I'm starting to suspect that Donnie Dotard doesn't hire very good lawyers.
Our old chum KKKris KKKobach, hot off a humiliating defeat in the Kansas Governor's race (losing statewide office in Kansas as a Republican is a bit like getting whooped by the Washington Generals) now figures he deserves to be magically transformed into one of the most powerful people in the federal government, with multiple cabinet secretaries at his beck and call, as Hairplug Himmler's “Immigration Czar.” KKKris presented a rather amusing list of demands for a dude who has spent his whole professional life failing, but considering his potential boss, that's probably part of the appeal.
So yeah, this has been what the Poet would call a “Manic Monday.” Everybody who's disappointed in Game of Thrones should sign my petition to replace the showrunners here in Real Life; your script fucking sucks, and you're assholes.
*Fun Fact: Sometimes I call my cat “The New York Times” because she is gray. And a lady. Get it?
From Georgia to Gorka, the GOP was One Fat Stack of Sweaty Assholes This Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without cackling like a Schumacher-era Batman villain escapes me.
(You know this by now, but you can find this post, with all those news links you love, on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/from-georgia-to-gorka-the-gop-was-one-fat-stack-of-sweaty-assholes-this-week/)
Elizabeth Warren responded to a town hall invite from Fux Nooz with a polite “Thank you, no, however you are welcome to gargle some used cat litter, you racist evil propaganda-belching shitbags,” and everyone at the Disinformation Network That Fucked Up Everything Literally Everything feigned outrage for a bit before getting back to the important work of belching up racist, evil, propaganda.
CNN published some heartbreaking photographs of detained migrant children, sleeping on the fucking ground at a Border Patrol concentration camp, excuse me, “facility” in McAllen, TX. You know, I don't want to pass judgement, but when your fervor for imprisoning little kids grows to the point where it exceeds your ability to provide something as simple as beds for them to sleep in, you might just be a SUBHUMAN FUCKING MONSTER or a MORALLY DEFICIENT SKIDMARK or even a BOIL ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY IN DESPERATE NEED OF LANCING.
Florida Governor/Talking Thumb Ron DeSantis says the Russians successfully hacked voter databases in two Florida counties, but we don't get to know which ones cuz that would be telling. Maybe we can turn this into a fun little contest; everybody writes down which counties they think were hacked, and the winner gets a free trip to a country that actually gives a fuck about election security.
The Failing New York Times says Strawberry Shartcake so far hasn't caved to his bloodthirsty advisors’ desire for war with Iran, but Genocidal John Bolton knows all he needs to do is catch his pliable dipshit boss in the hall one day while he's still fuming about some critical tweet from a black celebrity, and show him a photoshopped picture of an Iranian mullah laughing at that article about him losing a billion dollars in just one decade, and we'll have a fresh new draft to dodge before you can blink.
Tom Cotton, who hasn't been right about one single thing since a fifth grade spelling test, where, frankly, he mostly got lucky, says such a war would be just easy peasy lemon squeezy, and he looks forward to sending two or three generations of your children into the meat grinder to prove it. Dude's a SENATOR. Sleep tight.
Some desperately needed good news, as Tangerine Idi Amin's quest to get the courts to proclaim him Emperor on High to Whom Laws Most Certainly Do Not Apply and Also Whose Fingers Are Totally Normal-Sized is going about as well as his attempts to get Salma Hayek to date him. His lawyers’ “Investigating Nixon was wrong because obviously the most important thing in the Constitution is the part where it says the President can commit all the crimes he likes and all that stuff about congressional oversight is totally a joke, I can't believe you fell for it,” argument doesn't seem to be working, thank God.
And now some of Littlefinger's loser lawyers are facing a House Intelligence Committee investigation of their very own, into their roles in changing Michael Cohen's congressional testimony to make it less true. Looking forward, I kinda wonder which laws Trump's lawyers’ lawyers will wind up breaking.
Unable to solve the people's problems or improve their lives, the Shart Administration increasingly focuses on acts of petty tyranny, such as seeking out skeevy little loopholes to deny U.S. citizenship to foreign-born children of same-sex couples. Imagine choosing to spend your precious time on Earth pursuing such senseless, bitchy, fuckery. “Tee hee! I've found a little technicality I can use to rain shit down on an innocent family! It's cruel, and it doesn't accomplish one useful thing, but hurting strangers is SO MUCH FUN!”
Meanwhile, Hairplug Himmler refused to endorse the "Christchurch Call,” an effort to curtail the spread of bigotry and extremism on social media, because cracking down on radical hatred online could help combat the rising threat of white nationalist terrorism, and that's something he wants more of, not less. Oh, he claimed it was about “free speech,” but we're all grown-ups here.
I see President If a Big Mac Had An Id wants to take money away from Pell Grants, to give it to NASA so they can send a man back to the moon to write "Donald Trump weighs just 243 pounds, Ronny Jackson said so” in the dust. While a lot of Team Turdmaggot's moves seem like the haphazard flailing of puppets made from baboon colons, this one makes sense. Going forward, Trumpism will require a steady stream of rubes to survive, so obviously education is the enemy.
A new substance, thought to be deadliest poison known to mankind, has been distilled from the impotent ragesweat that dripped off Sebastian Gorka's pockmarked jowls when he heard about a gay wedding on the animated Arthur show. It's a crazy goddamn world these days, but I hope we can all take a moment to smile at ChubNazi losing a culture war to a cartoon.
So, the Braindead Fuckwad Administration has used their Hey Sorry We Blew Up the Agricultural Economy But the Boss is Too Dumb to Understand Trade farm bailout to funnel 62 million of our taxpayer dollars to a couple of criminal Brazilian meatpacking barons. No justification whatsoever, just “Here, foreign crooks, have a bunch of money,” while the tariffs wreak havoc on American families, and this shit isn't even front page news. There's no punchline in this paragraph, because the joke is on us.
On the heels of Georgia's horrific abortion law, Alabama said, “Hold My Glass of Water With a Little Grass in it For Flavor Because We're One of the Poorest States in the Country So We Can't Afford Beer But We're Not Doing Anything About THAT We're Too Busy Making Women Less Than Fully Human, Legally,” and passed an even MORE restrictive ban.
Not to be outdone, the sniveling Republican cowards in the Missouri Senate snuck their own If You Really Need an Excuse Let's Call it Fetal Heartbeat I Guess bill through in the middle of the night. Check your cabinets and under your bed, folks, there's probably a GOP state legislature passing a hellishly restrictive abortion ban while you're not looking.
And the Senate GOP, including allegedly pro-choice Lisa Murkowski, decided to make Froth-Mouthed Conspiracy Geyser Wendy Vitter, who thinks birth control and abortion cause cancer, and is basically “meh” on Brown v. Board of Education, a federal judge for life. They have to run out of these lunatics at some point, right? Maybe Michele Bachmann can host some sort of demented reality show where they probe the comments sections of Breitbart and InfoWars to find the biggest maniac in all of Cult45, and Mitch McConnell installs the winner on the D.C. Circuit.
...but don't call it a War on Women, right?
Hey, if anybody out there is facing a prison sentence they'd rather not serve, good news! There's a simple two-step process to make all your troubles disappear like Donald Trump's checkbook at a charity fundraiser!
Find the President's ass.
Kiss it. Really kiss that ass. A little tongue certainly wouldn’t hurt.
Don't believe me? Sure worked for Conrad Black. He wrote a whole book, chock-full of glute-smoochin', and he just joined the ranks of the unjustly pardoned! (By the way, if you gathered every crotchrash Weehands McNodick has pardoned so far, you'd have history's shittiest cocktail party, wouldn't you?)
And the Ostomy Bag with the Dead Tabby on Top announced a big, stupid, immigration “plan” that won't go anywhere because he's a loser who sucks at his job. One bit I particularly enjoyed was the call for a “civics test” for legal immigrants. Sure, Don. Let's make ‘em touch their toes, explain how tariffs work, and tie a necktie to an appropriate length, as long we're imposing standards you can't meet.
The Pentagon finally dusted off the ol’ podium in the DoD briefing room for the first on-camera press briefing in nearly a year...hang on, nope, it was just Gene Simmons, false alarm.
According to Ukraine's prosecutor general, Rudy Giuliani's allegations against Diamond Joe Biden and Son are nothing but a cousin-fucking lie, which means we certainly won't hear any more about this baseless right-wing smear job, just like Benghazi and Seth Rich and Pizzagate and Operation: Jade Helm.
Also, the Velveeta Vulgarian released a financial disclosure form, revealing that the business of selling access to himself at Marm-a-Lago and setting up a giant bribe jar in the form of his D.C. hotel is awfully profitable, and so dang easy that even he can't fuck it up, unlike literally every other business he's run in his life.
And who should pop back up on our radar today but Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn! Seems Mikey did an awful lot of singing to the Mueller investigation about Poosquirt & Co.'s repeated attempts to obstruct all that pesky justice, including handing over a recording of some jagoff "connected to the administration or Congress” trying to get him to clam up after he entered into his plea deal, and if that turns out to be Devin Nunes, I will throw a party so long, loud, and raucous, Andrew W.K. will knock on my door to request that I please turn it down, he is trying to sleep.
Hey, if you really feel like cringing, read this late-breaking WaPo story, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops' dorky micromanagement of the Big Dumb Wall That Will Never Get Built. He's like a sadistic child playing with blocks, it's about half an inch from “sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads,” that magical combination of hateful and humiliatingly idiotic that just screams...”Donald Trump.”
I dunno, maybe this is the night. Keep an eye on Anderson Cooper...I bet it starts with a barely-perceptible twitch in the corner of his eye, but by the time he gets to Flynn, he'll be peeling his skin off.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor's Tedious Tariff Tantrum (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it's trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who's next. What I'm saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating any time soon.
(As always, you can find this post, with helpful gnus links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-tangelo-tinted-taint-tumors-tedious-tariff-tantrum/)
Rudy Giuliani, perhaps feeling fidgety in the absence of any nearby cousins to copulate with, concocted a scheme worthy of a Pauly Shore movie, packing his bags to head to Ukraine, to get the incoming government there to help him ratfuck Joe Biden and maybe stage a wet t-shirt contest or something. In the end, he cancelled, because maybe the front page of the New York Times isn't the ideal setting for Foreign Collusion 2: Treason Boogaloo.
Rudy's basically the senile old man, shuffling around the antique mall, trying to pay for an old Pete Rose baseball card with the wad of used toothpicks that's accumulated in his coat pocket, only the antique mall is the global diplomatic community, the Pete Rose card is dirt on Trump's opponents, and the toothpicks are...probably still toothpicks, actually.
And of course Hairplug Himmler himself can hardly wait to order his personal manservent, excuse me, “the Attorney General of the United States, William Barr,” to open criminal investigations into Diamond Joe, cuz what's the point of incumbency if you can't transform your country's law enforcement apparatus into a corrupt secret police force to oppress and terrorize your political opponents, amirite? AMIRITE? (Pause for laughter and/or weeping)
A natural consequence of building your political movement around anti-intellectualism is that, well, you push all the smart people away. That's how 21st century conservatism wound up counting a mediocre troll-child like Ben Shapiro as a “thought leader.” “Wow, you can spew misinformation and hatred without gobs of chewing tobacco dribbling out of your mouth? In complete sentences n’ everything? HERE HAVE A TV SHOW AND A WEBSITE AND A STATUE ON RUSH LIMBAUGH'S LAWN."
But Ben, who spends his days screeching DEBATE ME at every squirrel that skitters past his window, after the gentlest of pushback from British journalist Andrew Neil, melted down like a thin-skinned right-wing hack who was suddenly unmasked as an ordinary jackass hiding a subpar intellect behind malicious snark. Am I doing this metaphor thing right?
Mike Pence, whose life in politics has consisted entirely of seizing power in order to wield it against vulnerable populations he finds icky and/or inferior, during a graduation speech at a fundamentalist indoctrination camp, whinged about being ridiculed and shunned for being a Christian. This strikes me as odd, cuz Mikey Hairshirt is a great many things (a creep, a traitor, the Roman God of Middling White Dudes Failing Upwards), but “Christian” is certainly not one of them. What you are, Mr. Vice President, is a bigot who finds the veneer of religion convenient, because it absolves you of any responsibility for critical thinking or basic human compassion.
The Skeevy Little John Birch Kidz over at Turning Point USA just keep on having difficulties navigating that fine line between being a Wink Wink Hate Group and a Let's-Burn-Some-Crosses Hate Group. They just had to kick a little white supremacist jagoff out for saying the quiet part (really) loud, gleefully going a racist rant on social media for all the world to see. Rather than taking steps to avoid attracting Junior Nazis in the future, expect TPU to implement rigorous plausible deniability training going forward, in search of the perfectly-pitched dog whistle.
Ahead of a (since-cancelled, apparently) trip to Moscow, Secretary of Stooge Mike Pompeo scrubbed a statement from his department's website pertaining to the recent conviction of a number of Russians involved in a coup attempt in Montenegro, because we wouldn't want to upset Daddy Vlad, now would we? I swear, watching our great nation's top diplomat get so thoroughly cucked by a fading, fifth-rate, power is like watching Andre the Giant take orders from an uncharacteristically belligerent Jiminy Cricket.
Oh, and I guess Pompeo diverted to Brussels to try and stir up a little bloodlust for the Iran war thirsted after so desperately by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached To John Bolton's upper lip, so that'll be a fun thing to keep our eyes on for the next few weeks. What's the age range for the draft, again?
Strike another name off the Shart House Xmas Card list (we're down to just Hannity and Ivanka by now), as Don McGahn has been excommunicated for refusing to issue a statement supporting the laughable and rather-thoroughly-debunked bullshit spin that Weehands McNodick didn't obstruct justice. I'm always fascinated to learn the precise location of the line these pathetic enablers finally draw in the sand. Like, remember when Gary Cohn shrugged his way through his boss praising white nationalists, but By God Sir, I Shall Not Abide These Tariffs?
Somehow the whole Sharknado of Bumbling Atrocity we've been struggling to survive these past three years came into perfect focus for me, with the story of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet cheating to beat a little kid at golf. That story should be tacked onto his name whenever it comes up, for the rest of recorded time. “President Trump, who cheated to beat a little kid at golf, signed a bill raising the debt ceiling today...” “Donald Trump, who was unable to out-golf a small child without cheating, reported to prison this morning...” The title of his biography should be "The President Who Wasn't Man Enough to Play Fair When Golfing Against a Wee Little Boy."
Hey, quick PRO TIP: If you're a journalist who published an article about “President Crotchrot's sassy new nickname for Candidate X,” you're failing at journalism. And life. And no, I'm not linking that shite.
Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan can't wait to piss away more of our tax dollars deploying military personnel at the border as part of Operation: Manbaby Ego Fluff, in case you're wondering how that unqualified hack won his campaign to drop the “acting” from his title. Yeah, looking at Sharty McFly's cabinet now, gone are the garish clowns of the first generation, replaced by blandly efficient sycophants, whose very drabness is designed to lull us into a sense of false normalcy while they quietly dismantle the country away from the headlines.
Some may fault the Sunny D-Bag for his lack of attention to problems such as the opioid crisis, but look, beyond the golfing and rage-tweeting at the magical teevee box six hours a day, he's also personally taken charge of the D.C. Independence Day celebration, transforming the traditionally non-partisan event into the birthday party his Klansman dad never threw for him, thus inflicting the emotional scars the entire world is paying for today. So GET IN LINE, declining-Rust-Belt-communities-struggling-to-fight-off-mass-addiction! Your President will attend to you after finalizing plans for the four-story-tall butter sculpture of himself!
Hey, remember that crowdfunding effort to build Donnie Dotard's Big Dumb Wall with private donations? The one run by the known con man? The one anybody with six ounces of mashed cauliflower between their ears could see was a scam? Well it turns out...it was a scam! And the KNOWN CON MAN behind it has been living large on Cult45's money, even buying himself a yacht, look out, Betsy DeVos! Who could've seen this coming except everyone?
The true miracle of the right-wing media bubble is how even after grift after grift after grift, somehow the marks never wise up. Like, have you seen even one gun-humping mouth-breather denounce the NRA for funneling their donations straight to Wayne LaPierre's shopping sprees? No, they just amble over to the next booth, checkbook lovingly extended for the next enterprising scammer to effortlessly harvest.
But the big story is once again the Manchurian Manchild's Idiot Trade War, which is tanking the stock market, threatening thousands of jobs, and risking billions of dollars, all because the President of the United States is too stupid to understand how trade deficits work, and the founders, in their wisdom, declined to impose a literacy test on the office.
Even Larry Cudbrain, excuse me, “Kudlow,” had to admit, when pressed, that the burden of tariffs is borne by American businesses and consumers, probably because he couldn't handle the humiliation of the economist version of an English teacher going on television to say "What's the big deal about their, there, and they're, anyway?”
So Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot raised a bunch of new tariffs, and the Chinese retaliated, and there are few million folks trapped in the middle, scrambling to replace their washing machines before the price hits ten thousand bucks.
And Tom Cotton helpfully told all the American farmers suffering under the self-inflicted wounds of this completely useless dumbfuck trade war, “hey, you're better off than soldiers in war zones so QUIT YER BITCHING, YOU FILTHY TAKERS!” before shambling away to drown some puppies on his lunch break.
This is new Republican platform isn't it? “Any standard of living higher than sleeping in a trench while you're pelted with RPGs and mustard gas is a MOTHERFUCKING GIFT bestowed upon you by the Kochs and Mercers, in their benevolence, and you don't even deserve that much, so shut your ungrateful fucking mouths, serfs!”
Oh, plus, with the tariffs swinging a giant cartoon wrecking ball right into the very nutsack of our agricultural economy, Shart Garfunkel is now begging for $15 billion in new farm bailouts, on top of the $12 billion he got last time. This funding will come from reversing some of his over-generous tax cuts on the Republican donor claHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH just kidding, YOU get to pay for it, pleb!
Hey look, the President of the United States is trying to get a Muslim Congresswoman killed by dishonestly distorting her words! Again! Or maybe I'm not being fair, maybe he's just seizing an opportunity to stoke anti-Muslim bigotry in general, and if somebody gets killed, whatever. It's less than ideal, having a President who's better at stochastic terrorism than economic stewardship, in my humble opinion.
Why Cap, are you calling into question the sincerity of Dorito Mussolini’s defense of the Jewish people? How dare you! It's not like he sent out his bullshit tweet only to turn around and immediately shower an anti-semitic European autocrat with praise!
...oh wait.
No other American President would've given Viktor Orbán the legitimacy of a White House visit, let alone administered such a vigorous handjob for the cameras, but to be fair, platforming oppressive, anti-Democratic, dictators is one of the only things Fat Q*Bert does well. Look, we had a candidate who actually believed in American principles, but she had a private e-mail server, and we made our choice.
And we learned that Kirstjen Nielsen, despite her Kiddie Koncentration Kamps and campaign of terrorism against migrants, was somehow still not evil enough for Government Cheese Goebbels and his Demon Tapeworm sidekick, Stephen Miller, because she pushed back on a truly horrific plan to stage nationwide mass-arrests of undocumented immigrant families. Fuck, who's he gonna pick to replace her at DHS? Negan? A monkey with Hitler's brain? Kris Kobach?
That last story snuck up on me while I was writing, and...my God, we can't take our eyes off these shitbags for a minute, can we? If you've eased up on your resistance since we flipped the House, my friend...we need you back in the fight.
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