October 17, 2017

Secret Sex Kinks of Pence and Nunes!

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Hmmm...really just a gentle madness drizzle today, at least by current standards. As though someone lightly dusted my breakfast oatmeal with just a pinch of bath salts, spiking my OJ with a mere half-bottle of cough syrup.

Well, picking up where we left off yesterday, one last brackish belch from the "Values" Voters Summit: Shrieking Hate Grifter Michele Bachmann assured the audience of salivating rubes that the dude who grabs pussies and uses charitable donations to buy paintings of himself is a "man of faith."

If nothing else, I'm grateful to these Days of Drumpf for giving us all final permission to simply laugh like cartoon hyenas whenever the "Christian" right makes a play for the moral high ground. "Man of faith." Fuck right off.

Of course, this gets even MORE hilarious when paired with the release of that New Yorker profile of everybody's favorite Arthur Miller's The Crucible Cosplayer, Mike Pence. There's plenty of good stuff about Mikey Hairshirt being an eager Koch puppet and general assclown, but the really timely stuff involves the "Man of Faith" repeatedly mocking his running mate's religious fervor.

I'd take a shot here about the Christian Right being played for fools by a con man, but I think we're all adult enough to understand that the Venn Diagram of "Christianity" and "the Christian Right" overlaps exclusively at the point of "Charlton Heston films."

Pence, when asked to comment for this post, screamed "SHUT THE DOOR, DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" before going back to what appeared to be strapping a veal calf into a sex swing before his Chief of Staff ushered our reporter away.

I missed this one, but Cowboy Z over at Interior figures that if Republicans will believe John Podesta runs a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, then surely he can get away with saying that taking down confederate monuments will eventually wind up offending "Native Indians."

Fuck, why not? I'm not sure when Commemorating Treasonous Losers became a partisan issue, but I'm really quite confident we're on the correct side of this particular line.

I guess Government Cheese Goebbels likes to imagine he'll get to replace half the Supreme Court, because the justices are all so unhealthy. (God knows I look forward to reading Michael Cohen's trademark "Says who" in the official SCOTUS transcripts.) He then consumed another fistful of deep-fried pork rectums dipped in lard gravy, before mainlining experimental hair tonic into his eyeball.

Didja see the thing where Russian Social Media Troll School apparently involves sitting around, watching House of Cards for pointers on the workings of our political system? I bet the rest of that syllabus was full of shit like Hee Haw and YouTube videos of frat boys throwing up on each other during St. Patrick's Day weekend.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: The Russkies are weaponizing our biggest natural resource: morons.

There was another WaPo piece about all the ways Shart House staffers treat the President like an ill-tempered toddler in their never-ending struggle to keep him from dropping bombs on Cleveland because LeBron James keeps saying mean things about him. Our President really is like all the shitty kids from Willy Wonka rolled up into one, isn't he? I bet Generally Kelly drugs the second scoop, is all I'm saying.

(I do want to mention that this article points out that Secretary Mnuchbag is PARTICULARLY craven in his ass-kissing, which I find oddly satisfying.)

Forbes wonders whither went Wilbur's wayward w...billions? OBVIOUSLY he's been spinning his assets into gold in the old farmer's barn down the road from the Prince's Castle, and if the appropriate oversight committee wants to know the Commerce Secretary's true worth, then they'll just have guess his real name within three tries like everybody else.

The company that commissioned the Steele Dossier (THAT'S THE ONE WITH THE PISS TAPE) told Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes to shove his subpoena straight up his bacon-larded asshole, because Devin recused himself from the investigation, and that means you don't get to subpoena SHIT, especially since everybody knows you're just gonna take it straight to Daddy Drumpf 'cause he's promised you you can fuck the pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey this year, which is great because most of the pigs in this country have caught onto you long ago Devin, you sad little pigfucking twerp.

Business Insider tells us that during the transition, Princess Ivanka sent then-chairman Chris Christie on a McDonald's run, and told Mike Flynn he could have any job he wanted, because he was so very loyal to Daddy. That Flynn was more loyal to foreign paymasters than to the United States was a detail of no particular consequence to the Princess.

Investigators are looking into the Most Lamentable Tragedie of Peter W. Smith, that GOP operative who tried to get Hilldawg's e-mails from the Russians and then seems to have committed suicide. You forgot about him, didn't ya? That's how much shit's being constantly thrown in our faces, every single goddamn day..."Oh right, that's the story that's like, ten feet away from proving collusion, how'd that slip my mind? Oh right, all those hurricanes and nuclear war threats, silly me!"

So, almost two weeks ago, four American soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger. We can discuss the passive response of the GOP, who have previously gotten, shall we say, rather worked up over Four Americans Dying in a Terrorist Attack in Africa, but let's save that one for another night.

We have a President who makes a fair bit of noise about folks "disrespecting the troops." He tweets all the damn time, whipping his ragey little army of rubes into regular furies about people who he claims Disrespect the Troops. Steve Bannon says that Bob Corker is Disrespecting the Shit Out of Every Single Troop just by criticizing our Swollen Tick Commander in Chief at all!

Which is why it's so weird that when a soldier who died in the line of the duty arrived at Dover Air Force Base, rather than showing Respect for this man who gave his life in service to his country, the Shart was instead showing Respect for How Much He Really Likes Golfing, by, well...golfing.

In fact, we found out today that he has yet to contact the families of ANY of the soldiers who died in the ambush, and he's gone golfing a fuckton since they died. More than the goddamn pros.

So, to clarify, black men who kneel during the national anthem to draw attention to the Black Lives Matter movement? That's Disrespectful to the Troops.

But a President who, rather than contacting the families of soldiers who've made the ultimate sacrifice, rather than make a simple phone call, just golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golf and golfs and golfs...THAT'S RESPECT.

Got it.

Now, this is pretty fucking appalling all by itself, right? You'd have to a real monstrous fuckwad to find even MORE shit to throw on the substantial pile of shit you're already looking it here. It's a Jurassic Park shitpile.

...well, let it never be said that our President is an underachiever when it comes to shitty behavior. He may be leaving American citizens to choke to death on poisonous water and Skittles in Puerto Rico, but by gum, HE WILL NOT BE OUT-ASSHOLED.

So, on being confronted, ever-so-gently on the whole "Why do you have time to tweet about football players but not call Gold Star Families," Shart Garfunkel decides to vomit up the easily disproven lie that he makes such calls much more often than any of his predecessors, who really almost never did it, especially that Barack Obama, who would actually just make prank calls, after having his staff schedule them during the reception after the guy's funeral to really rub salt in the wounds.

...I'm starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than totally honest.

We got a few additional gems out of the Shart of the Deal today, including some gloating about all the people he hurt with his executive order to suspend ACA subsidy payments. There's "no such thing as Obamacare," he bragged, "It's just a story rich parents use to frighten their children with the specter of social responsibility."

There was also some whinging about the whole "Hey, you haven't actually passed one fucking bill that matters, and it's been a MINUTE, y'know?" thing. "I'm not going to blame myself," declared the Dude Who Sits Behind the Desk at Which the Buck Stops.

Shit, that's the first honest thing he's said in two years. It's the very essence of Trump and Trumpism. I wonder how it'll look a cheap-ass, made-in-Gina, red ballcap.

Anyway, we got to watch Mitch McConnell stand next the Idiot Manchild who's been tormenting him and destroying his party all year, and watch him eat another fat plateful of shit, and I don't think I'll ever get sick of that.

Hey, congrats to Callista Gingrich for getting confirmed as Ambassador to the Vatican! I hear they have some extremely non-specific views on adultery there! (Joking aside, the Bible never explicitly says Thou Shalt Not Abandon Thy Cancer-Stricken Wife on Her Death Bed When a Younger, Richer Piece Comes Along, so Noot's all clear.).

And looka here, where Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich tears the President what would would be a new asshole in most cases, but in Drumpf's I suppose would be a new mouth.

John McCain gave a speech tonight going after SCROTUS' shitty idiot nationalist worldview, during which he specifically referenced the "blood and soil" thing, which is a Nazi thing. Straight up NAZI THING. Chills your blood, doesn't it? That you can fairly quote Nazis when denouncing the President of the United States of America?

So you see? Compared to the Hey Are We About to Start a Nuclear War Days, today was calm. Boring, almost. Hardly worth mentioning at all.

October 15, 2017

Atticus Finch & Larry Flynt vs the White Supremacist "Values Voters"

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Shit's been so fucked up for so long, I totally assume that every time I check in on shit, I will find that shit to be fucked up. Day after day, insane story after insane story...I wouldn't say I'm desensitized, but I will say that I fully expect every trip through the news cycle to be basically an outtake from Lewis Carroll's bedside dream journal.

Still, even I find myself stunned by the sheer malice emanating from the White House these last few days. Its like "Wow, our government sure is working hard to...well, to HURT us. That's...different." I'm no great historian, but I'm pretty sure shit's not supposed to be like this.

The big news of course is the President of the United States of America deciding to fuck over a whole bunch of his constituents, and the whole dang American economy, in a spite-fueled tantrum, because...excuse me, sometimes the absurdity can be overwhelming, but...because we are governed by a man with no empathy whatsoever who thinks absolutely nothing of lashing out and hurting millions of human beings when he doesn't like the way he's covered on television.

In a fun bit dumbfuck jujitsu, this act of ACA sabotage will both raise middle-class premiums AND add billions to the national debt. Oh, and the cuts will disproportionally hit residents of states that voted for Trump, so let me take a moment to congratulate the Rube Army for facilitating their own future medical bankruptcies. Nice work!

Speaking of Rube Legion, Don the Con's spent over a million dollars of the money you've donated to his campaign on...HIS SHITTY FAMILY'S LAWYERS FOR THE RUSSIA PROBE! Congrats on being the easiest marks in the history of the planet, you stupid, stupid, fucks.

(Oh, and since the campaign got subpoenaed to turn over all records pertaining to the women who accused the Pussygrabber of sexual assault, you rubes can look forward to paying for THOSE lawyers, too.)

Also, the President gave a speech to a hate group, that was a thing that happened in real life.

He babbled for a bit about how he finally released all the prisoners Obama sent to the gulag for saying "Merry Christmas," to thunderous applause, for the War on Holiday Greetings is surely the greatest issue facing our nation in the 21st century.

Yup yup, all these alleged "Christians" even rolled out the red carpet for noted (excuse me, I mean "bloated&quot white nationalist Steve Bannon and America's doughiest Nazi, Seb Gorka.

"Dr." Gorka whipped the pious attendees into a frenzy at the thought of "how much more damage we can do them as private citizens" (them being us dastardly libtards) since getting fired from their Shart House posts, because if there's one thing Jesus was totally all about, it was harming your neighbor. That's a Commandment now. Bannon's writing a new Bible. With Milo. In stores this Xmas season.

And Darth Wino gave the crowd, whose patriotism is exactly as real as their Christianity, permission to extend the phony shield of "insulting the troops" to not just NFL kneelers, but Senators who have such sinful, troops-hating natures as to disparage the President! Isn't that a neat trick? By next Thursday, all critical speech will be labeled Anti-The-Troops, giving the shrieking legions of Cult45 something else to pretend to be angry about on social media. Wheeeee.

I think I'm gonna adopt this tactic myself, actually. Anytime anybody disagrees with me about anything, I'm going to indignantly insist it's an assault on our troops. "Oh, you prefer 7Up to Sprite? WHY DO YOU HATE THE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM WHO FIGHT AND DIE TO PROTECT THE SUPERIOR LIMON FLAVORED SOFT DRINK?!?"

Anyway, getting back to Klan rally. Todd Starnes accused the left of wanting to "criminalize masculinity." Yes, well...at least when that day comes, you need not fear, Todd-o.

Hey look, the director of the National Background Investigations Bureau says that Jared Kushner's dishonesty on his security clearance forms is totally unprecedented! Congrats, Jar-Jar, you're finally the best at something!

So, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has a flag. He had his own personal flag made, which flies over Interior's HQ when he's in the building. This is a totally normal thing for Cabinet secretaries to do* and is not at all Cowboy Z laying the groundwork to become Immortan of Zinkestan once President Manbaby gets Stephen Miller to undo the childproof locks General Kelly installed on the nuclear football.

The Shartcannon also announced that he won't re-certify the Iran nuclear deal, going so far as to flat-out fucking lie about Iran's compliance, because the reputation of the United States, and the need for the rest of the world to trust that we'll live up to the terms of the arrangements we negotiate and ratify, is less important to the American President that stickin' it to that black guy who made the nation laugh at him one night.

Expects say dishonestly walking away from the Iran deal makes negotiations with North Korea over their nuclear program all but impossible, but maybe you didn't hear me: A BLACK GUY LAUGHED AT HIM.

Hey, Reince Priebus had his interview with Team Mueller on Friday! I hope Rugged Robert had the foresight to stock the room with Kleenex...there had to be a lot of crying, y'know? Like, John-Turturro-in-MILLER'S CROSSING-level shit.

And we learned from Reuters that the administration has been cutting funding to halfway houses, without anybody really noticing between the government-inflicted humanitarian crises and the provoking of nuclear regimes and whatnot. Let it never be said that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III isn't doing all he can to keep a fresh new generation of young black men trapped in the prison/industrial complex. No Facebooking at the office for Ol' Beau, he is a man deeply in love his work.

Which is institutional white supremacy.

I see President/Secretary in Charge of Balloons and Napkin Origami/Treasurer of the Congressional Putin Fan Club Dana Rohrabacher brought a Holocaust-denying right wing troll to a meeting with Rand Paul. Did I mentioned that Mike Pence, he of the taxpayer-funded-phony-NFL-walkout stunt, did a fundraiser for Rohrabacher a few days back? The GOP's just one big happy hateful family, like Tennessee Williams filtered through Eli Roth.

Some Republican state congressjag in Indiana has a proposal to require licensing for journalists, because while trickle-down economics never works, trickle-down fascism is REAL. (It's actually a stunt because Jag is angry that there's even a little gun control, I guess because he thinks domestic abusers should be able to carry firearms on school busses. Meet your 21st century Republican Party.)

We learned that Paul Manafort has "ties" to Kremlin-connected Russia oligarch Oleg Deripaska, surprise surprise. What kind of ties? Sources tell me one night last July while Manafort was running Shart's campaign, he and Deripaska stayed up all night beating the original Contra on NES and furthermore, they called Putin when they couldn't remember the Konami code.

Just kidding. The ties are millions of dollars in "loans" passed through a labyrinth of shell companies. I'm sure Manafort remembers the Konami code, and I don't mean to slander him by implying otherwise.

Paulie's spokesman (do they still have that Dirty Jobs show? Jeeeeezus) carefully insists he never colluded with the Russian GOVERNMENT, hoping all the laundering provides a veneer of plausible deniability.

(I bet all the kids in Manafort's neighborhood are wearing Bob Mueller masks this Halloween, and it'll scare him so much he'll stop answering the door by 6:15.)

One of KKKris KKKobach's toadies on his voter disenfranchisement Kommission got arrested on child pornography charges, because this team wants to make sure it checks off every possible box on the Evil Bingo card.

Puerto Rico continues suffering, but don't worry, FEMA's sending out little baggies of Skittles and Vienna Sausages! Or least, that's what they're doing when they're not enlisting the local survivors to give them a sweet discount on a "Spa Day" in the middle of a disaster zone when they're supposed to be helping people.

Also, Shartboy met with the President of the Virgin Islands, which I guess means he's finally sunk so deeply into madness that he's pacing around his office yelling at fake Time Magazine covers of himself. I'm sure that meeting brought great comfort to the Puerto Ricans drinking chemically contaminated water from Superfund sites.

Chad withdrew its troops from the fight against Boko Haram in Niger, after being included in Team Shart's shitty racist travel ban. It's kinda weird, isn't it? That when you work so hard to alienate your allies that they wind up getting all...alienated n' shit.

Anyway, for those keeping score at home, the travel ban, which is supposed to keep us safe from terrorism, just caused an ally to abandon the fight against...a terrorist organization. GOOD JOB, GOVERNMENT!

Larry Flynt has offered up a 10 million dollar bounty for info that can be used to get the Factory Reject Muppet impeached. Shit, maybe Mike Flynn'll take him up on it to get out from under what must be a metric shit-ton of legal bills.

And the Man With Phalangeal Stunting took to the SpectroMatic Twitter Machine to brag about how proud he was that his ACA sabotage caused health care stocks to tank. Remember when the President of the United States didn't actively attack the American economy? Or take victory laps when the attacks were successful? It's weird the shit you didn't even realize you NEEDED to take for granted, before 2017. What next? Will Mnuchin dispatch treasury officials to stand outside closing Toys R Us stores to just point and laugh?

And a Mississippi school district pulled TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD from its curriculum, which is about par for the course these days. I'm sure it'll give more time for the unit on the literary oeuvre of Ann Coulter to really breathe in young students' minds. Or maybe they'll just institute the two minutes hate.

Speaking of petty racism, there's a horrifying little piece in the New Yorker about how Sniveling Grievance Avatar Stephen Miller basically single-handedly manipulated the levers of executive branch power to lower the number of refugees the U.S. will accept.

Miller remains one of the greatest sub-tragedies of this whole never-ending shitshow. I guess a few thousand human beings have to suffer and die because one scrawny loser started balding three days into puberty, and chose far-right politics rather than therapy. Fuck these awful, awful people.

And yeah, while the people of Puerto Rico drank poison, and California burned, Littlefinger went golfing. Again. With his new BFF, Lindsey. Senator Graham is no doubt the latest in a series of fools to imagine they're getting through to this dope, just because he's nodding and agreeing with everything they tell him. Lindsey, my dude, he has a gaping vacuum where most of us have a soul; he'll do absolutely anything to attain your approval (or submission), then forget every single word you said ten minutes into Hannity.

Anyhow, a group of mental health professionals marched in New York to call for the President's removal. Man, how fucked up do you have to be an entire protest full of just psychologists telling the word what a dangerous lunatic you are? Did even Nixon get a "Holy Fucking Shit This Man is Nuts" march?

And now Rex Tillerson goes on the Sunday Shoz to drop the horrifyingly Orwellian line "Diplomatic efforts will continue until the first bomb drops." In the same interview, Tilly insisted he wasn't castrated, and also discussed how America must not allow a mineshaft gap.

With that little snippet of raw, unfiltered insanity, I leave you, my friends. Allow me an evening's respite, disappearing into welcome-if-temporary comfort of craft beer and playoff baseball. I'll get catapulted, against my will and screaming, back into the real world soon enough.

*Nope

October 12, 2017

I Dont Care if its a Rap Battle or an IQ Test So Long as We Can Reclaim the Presidency

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Ah, a crisp autumn day. I can almost visualize the last dwindling threads of my sanity drifting to the ground like a dying leaf. It will be sweater weather soon, and my straightjacket will seem a blessing rather than an irritant.

Y'know, if William Shakespeare were around to write a play about these bat-poop-encrusted days, Carter Page would be the character in the Malvolio/Dogberry role; the blustering idiot with a near-fatal case of Dunning-Krueger syndrome, running to and fro across the stage, shooting his mouth off to the amusement/embarrassment of the audience.

After months of demanding the chance to clear his name in public, Carter's suddenly all, "Welllllllll actually I'mma take the fifth so I don't commit too much perjury," which is behavior common to 96% of all innocent people, particularly in the realm of treason...right?

He'll surely show up to his hearing with his stockings cross-gartered, is all I'm saying.

Didja see this shit in the Daily Beast? Where Don the Con's babysitters, excuse me, "advisors," talked him into threatening the free trade agreement with South Korea so as to get him to back off destroying NAFTA? Like, "Maybe if we let him have just a little trade war, he won't insist on a massive, world-economy-wrecking one?"

Maybe we can try that strategy with North Korea...like, let him nuke some uninhabited Pacific island, tell him there are tortoises or gibbons there who made fun of his (tiny, unmanly) fingers. Get me James Mattis on the phone, dammit, this is surely worth a shot.

Hey, the President of the United States challenged his Secretary of State to an IQ test, that's another totally normal thing that happened. So normal it's boring. Obama was always dropping by Hillary's office with little brainteasers and shit. Hell, they almost let bin Laden get away, cuz they were in the middle of a ferociously competitive Scrabble game, but Biden told them it was a Big Fucking Deal, so they stopped.

Anyway, the dude who wants a battle of wits thinks "liddle" is a word, so I say let's do the test, and the winner gets to set North Korea policy.

Well, if there's one thing the Drumpf era has brought us, it's a veritable Renaissance in the long-neglected Behind the Scenes Accounts of an Idiot Manchild President Descending into Gibbering Madness, Sourced by Dozens of Leakers genre. It's flat-out FLOURISHING.

Vanity Fair tells us the President "hate(s) everyone in the White House." WaPo says he's "lashing out." And the L.A. Times says he's siding with Sean Hannity over people who actually, y'know...WORK IN THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. Anyway, we're all just one colicky tantrum away from seeing mushroom clouds broadcast all across the lyin' liberal media, seems to be the consensus.

A neo-confederate hate group managed to convince some "magistrate" to issue an arrest warrant for DeAndre Harris, for the high crime of Getting Beaten Within an Inch of His Life By the Shittiest White Losers on Earth. And to think, some folks say the justice system in this country has a racism problem.

Mike Ditka certainly doesn't think so. I'm sure Drumpf will appoint him to head up the Civil Rights division at DoJ by the end of the week.

Hey, looks like Eminem may be auditioning for that Veep slot! You always hear about the "attack dog" aspect, right? Shit, you could broadcast the Pence/Mathers debate in 3-D IMAX. Huge ratings. Warren/Mathers '20!

Meanwhile, the death toll keeps rising in Puerto Rico, which will perhaps lead to the rescinding of the Official Presidential Congratulations For Not Being a Real Disaster. Well, don't worry, Puerto Rico...the President is asking for a multi-billion dollar loan for your relief efforts.

Wait, WHAT? A loan? A motherfucking LOAN? Americans dying because they haven't had electricity or clean water for weeks, and you want them to PAY BACK THEIR FUCKING RELIEF FUNDS? I shudder to think about the interest rates President Fuckwad will charge. Can someone build a debtor's prison large enough for an entire island? Asking for an amoral turdworm.

And we keep learning more and more about the monstrous evil perpetrated by Harvey Weinstein. And, seriously...fuck that guy for all eternity. With weird, sharp, oblong, candelabras.

But there's this weird triumphalism on the right, like they're off the hook for electing a serial sexual predator PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. What? Seriously...what do two wrongs make again?

There's the weird chorus emerging in certain corners of the right wing loonosphere screaming "SEE! MIKE PENCE IS RIGHT! IF MEN WERE JUST LIKE MIKE PENCE AND NEVER LET THEMSELVES BE ALONE WITH WOMEN THEN MEN CAN'T RAPE WOMEN, IT'S MUCH HARDER TO RAPE SOMEBODY IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S A FRAT PARTY." Seb Gorka and Erick Erickson are particularly eager to parrot this line, I guess because they want the entire world to know what creepy little bastards they are.

Turns out Smallhands Magoo wants a massive increase in the nuclear arsenal! Why? My best guess is he wants to eliminate all living beings who know that Salma Hayek wouldn't go out with him. And now we've got folks talking about Mattis and Kelly sitting around a table, late at night, sipping on cough syrup and ether, developing contingency plans for when President Manbaby lunges for the nuclear football, ISN'T 2017 NEAT?

Boy howdy, the Sunny D-Bag sure does hate dat First Amendment. It's "frankly disgusting" to him, that the press has the freedom to publish what they want, even if it happens to be one of the ten thousand or so potential stories that reveal his criminal/embarrassing/treasonous behavior. Shit, he want to revoke NBC's license, all over the Shocking Breaking News that he's a Big Fat Fucking Moron.

Seriously, if it wasn't for NBC's cutting-edge journalism, America might not know, even today, that Drumpf's a Moron. Hard-hitting shit. Without NBC, maybe we'd have to wait until some far-flung alien civilization sifted through the atomically-annihilated ruins of our world before figuring out "Holy shit, these people were governed by a thumb-sucking dickhead."

Speaking of the amendment that's first both in Constitution and in my heart, the Shart House continues its attacks on reporters and college professors who criticize them, as well as Black athletes bold enough to insist that their Lives Matter. (And let's take a moment to shout out to the willing fascist collaborators among the NFL's owners. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.) I tell ya, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has visions of running her own concentration camp dancing around in her mind like sugarplum fairies.

You sort of wonder when the Marmalade Shartcannon's gonna start going after some of the other amendments, just for variety's sake. I sort of expect to come home and find a few soldiers quartered in my apartment, eating my Hungry Man Dinners, getting that viscous compote fluid all over my comic books.

And Shart Carney's long-delayed visit to England has been downgraded! He will no longer be a "guest of the Queen," but will rather be a "guest of the shitty Oasis cover band that plays in tourist bars where they chill the beers for American tourists."

Il Douche is reportedly backing off his bullshit claims that he and his shitbag family won't pocket millions of dollars if he gets his crooked tax plan exacted. Well FUCK, y'all, he's almost honest.

We keep learning all kinds of fun things about how the Russians used the Kaspersky anti-virus software to steal classified information. This seems like a good time to let you all know that I'm using special secret software to determine if Showercap blog readers think I look fat in this pants.*

Mitch McConnell wants to do away with the Senate's "blue slip" process for judicial confirmations, because procedural norms are to be honored only when convenient for conservatives. Careful, Yertle...come January 2021, you may wake up to realize you've paved the path to Supreme Court Justice Alec Baldwin. Anyway, Chuck Grassley's making noise, so this may not come to much, but keep an eye on it.

Politico tells us that Senate Democrats are worried about Russian interference in the pending (goddamn) midterms (which you should vote in). Oddly the GOP seems less than eager to move against the hostile foreign power that interfered in our electoral process...to their benefit. Tax Cuts for the Kochs and Mercers > Loyalty to Your Country, right, guys?

Roy Moore took a million bucks from a "charity" he founded to "promote Christian values" despite insisting that he wouldn't, and contrary to the charity's tax filings. I'm starting to think the Evangelical movement in this country is just one big symbiotic relationship between grifters and shitty white people who like to be told they're God's chosen idiots. Like Venom, only they hate Decency instead of Spider-Man.

Anyway, Roy's gonna be a real hoot in the Senate, isn't he?

Treasury's Inspector General is reopening the investigation into Secretary Mnuchbag's travel, because it seems Steve-O wasn't totally honest in his disclosures. And Ryan Zinke's apparently been using taxpayer dollars to jet around to campaign events, which isn't even a little bit legal, but hey, when the President's assaulting the fundamental institutions of American Democracy, maybe you can sneak through with a little petty embezzlement, right?

And Cambridge Analytica, toy of the Mercers, is being investigated for potential collusion with Russia. CA has tentacles stretching from Bannon to Kushner and back again, so this'll be a fun thread to follow.

Shit, even RUSH LIMBAUGH doesn't think Tangerine Idi Amin should be ordering NFL players to stand for the anthem. How fucked do your actions have to be for a malleable hack like Rush to say, "Actually, even I can't spin this shit?"

And now you've got Glenn Beck tweeting about the first amendment! Hell, if we can get a few of these conservatives to actually stand up for the things they claim to believe in, we'll have a fuckin' revolution on our hands.

Anyway, the malicious shitheads in Congress still haven't managed to renew CHIP, because when you're governed by 21st century Republicans, even "Hey, we should maybe not let children die" is a controversial proposal, apparently.

Donnie Two Scoops gave a speech to some truckers, about how much they'd benefit from the repeal of the estate tax, because lots of truckers leave 5.5 million dollar estates behind when they die. Ok, so there won't be any truckers benefiting, but lots of Trump's kids will! That's practically the same thing, right?

Anyway, Shartboy missed a deadline for implementing legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, which probably isn't anything anybody needs to read into. Nor is the Thank You card Putin sent him, complete with a 20-dollar gift card to Chuck E. Cheese.

Well, I know there's more...there's always stuff I miss, for which I apologize, but you don't really wanna make me watch that Drumpf/Hannity interview, do you? DO YOU? I thought you liked me, Resisters. Give a bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-clad blogger a break, okay?

*Fuck you, Dale.

October 10, 2017

Gather Ye Round For Tales of the Legendary...Stephen Miller?

Hello friends...as always, thank you for your time and your feedback...check out the site at:

http://showercapblog.com/gather-ye-round-for-tales-of-the-le/

Folks, I know that shit be cray. I know there's the impulse to say that it's like "the inmates are running the asylum." I just don't think that's quite fair.

It's more like the inmates had a mail-in contest with all the other asylums, where they gave everybody a fifth-grade math test, and they let the bottom five scores run the asylum. The people who answered "What's 3 plus 6" with "PUDDING!" are in charge now.

I'm surprised there was no formal announcement from the Shart House for "Blundering Idiocy Week," especially since they're doing a much better job of staying on message than they ever did with "Infrastructure Week."

Taking point on the Dumbfuck Initiative was One-Experimental-Hair-Tonic-Generated-Heart-Attack-Away-From-the-Presidency Mike Pence, who grabbed a quarter of a million bucks from the petty cash tin, and flew to Indianapolis for a little False Flag/Fake Patriotism operation.

Yeah Pencey-Poo popped by the stadium juuuuust long enough to feign a lil' outrage at a lil' free speech, tweet out a fake photo, and stoke some Shitty White Guy Grievance before jetting off to a previously scheduled appointment on the coast. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.

(Four Green Berets were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger, and the President has has fuckall to say about that, but don't worry, y'all...the whole Black Dudes Protesting thing? He's ALL OVER IT.)

Naturally, Boss Shart himself wants to demonstrate leadership, particularly during "Boneheaded Fuckstick Week," and so he sat down for an interview with Swollen Rage Tick Mike Huckabee.

Now, it takes a truly colossal dipshit to fuck up an interview with a guy who's not only temperamentally predisposed to lobbing softballs, but whose daughter actually works for you, but let it never be said that Dorito Mussolini is anything less than an Olympic-Grade Doofus.

He blathered about his embarrassing paper-towel-lobbing like it was the Gettysburg Address. He lied a bit about taxes. Shit, he took credit for making up the word "fake."

A New York Times bio revealed the extent of Presidential Advisor/Aggressively-Expanding Bald Spot Stephen Miller's lifelong commitment to Blundering Idiocy. Seems young Stephen, who has somehow latched onto white supremacy despite, y'know, BEING STEPHEN MILLER, once leapt onto the track at the tail end of a girl's track race to prove his manly superiority. Not the whole race, mind you. Just the end. He raced some high school girls for just the end of their race.

You get the sense that Miller's entire life is a series of failed attempts to prove himself superior to whomever happens to be nearest. Staring contests with cats and whatnot.

Y'know, Bannon got Stevie a hooker for his last birthday, but Miller spent about 45 minutes unsuccessfully trying to get her bra off before crying himself to sleep.

Anyway. Just because the focus has been on cartoonish dumbfuckery of late, I wouldn't want you to think Team Shart has forgotten about raw evil. Cuz they haven't. They're actually FUNDRAISING OFF THE LAS VEGAS MASSACRE because DECENCY IS FOR CUCKS.

And Richard Spencer gathered a tiny band of dickless white boys to march in Charlottesville over the weekend. "You will not replace us!" they chanted, as though there were people lining up for miles to fill their Poorly Dressed Weenies Who No One Will Ever, Ever Sleep With (Even for Money) and Who Whinge About Video Games on Reddit roles.

(Word is, Spencer's turnout was especially low because most of his movement was still home grieving over their inability to procure the Rick and Morty Szechuan Sauce at McDonald's earlier in the day.)

Hey look, a few NFL teams are now ordering their players to stand for the anthem! Nice to see the private sector get in on all that hawt speech-squashing/white-supremacist action, isn't it?

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? IF NOT, MAY WE INTEREST YOU IN A BOOK BURNING PERHAPS?

Since announcing his retirement, Senator Bob Corker has gone wild, hasn't he? He's let his hair down, taken off his glasses, and gone FULL SEXY LIBRARIAN. Sources tell me he's asked his Senate colleagues to wear strings of beads while walking around Capitol Hill, which he intends to claim one by one in a vigorous flashing campaign.

He's stumbling about D.C., hammered on wine coolers, giving interviews to all the fake news media about how Don the Con is basically a colicky baby, and how 95% of the American government is currently dedicated to preventing him from pushing buttons in the situation room in a fit of pique at something Jimmy Kimmel said.

And then Don lied a bit about how Corker begged him for an endorsement and also some Trump Steaks, and everyone pointed out he was lying, and Corker was like, "Hey, we should maybe not have a Nuclear War because of this tool," because that's the level of our discourse these days.

And Kellyanne griped about Corker's tweets, because "world leaders see that," because irony is buried six feet underneath Alanis Morissette's house these days.

Ex Drumpf campaign aide Jason Miller thinks Corker should resign right now if he won't back President Ostomy Bag's agenda. I imagine Jason Miller is beyond used to people not doing what he wants them to do, so you don't have to worry about hurting his feelings, Bob.

(It seems Bannon's on the Obey-Drumpf-or-Resign train, re: Corker. Eager little fascist, ain't he?)

Scott Pruitt took time off from flying on private jets and jacking off to pictures of oil-covered endangered species in his taxpayer-funded soundproof booth to announce a reversal of the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, because we can't have the gubmint impinging on fossil fuel companies' inalienable rights to poison the air we breathe and the water we drink.

Pruitt declared a victory on the fictitious "War on Coal," no doubt knowing he'll have long since been fired before anyone thinks to ask "Hey, where are all those jobs you folks promised were coming back?"

Il Douche tweeted out a video whining about how nobody gives him credit for working so hard for Puerto Rico, because nobody could possibly work any harder for Puerto Rico, which is a weird thing to say when you're in the middle of a three-day golf bender.

Now, if SCROTUS had claimed "Nobody could possibly have worked harder to deflect blame from the crisis in Puerto Rico," well, THAT I don't need a video to believe.

Shartboy's FEMA director Brock Long made a point to say he's "filtered out" the criticisms of San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, who keeps stubbornly insisting the island's problems aren't 100% solved just because hundreds of thousands of American citizens don't have access to power and drinking water. What a great idea that is, to "filter out" a local leader with direct, useful knowledge of the community in crisis. I bet Eisenhower "filtered out" the French before D-Day.

Steve Scalise decided to thank the lesbian police officer who saved his life as only a right wing zealot can; addressing a "Values Voters Summit" for an anti-gay hate group!

Can you imagine? Can you imagine being so irrevocably warped by hatred and prejudice that you would lend your voice to an organization that works to deny fundamental rights to the woman who literally took a bullet for you? I have to admit that while I can comprehend, in an intellectual way, a lot of the right wing's garbage, this one escapes me entirely.

Speaking of immoral fuckery, Tangerine Idi Amin is allegedly readying an executive order to gut the Obamacare markets, because no amount of needless suffering could ever satiate his bottomless desire for revenge on the Black Dude Who Laughed at Him That One Time.

And it seems Donnie Two Scoops reneged on his deal with Chuck n' Nancy, regarding the DREAMers. Where he initially promised to keep funding for his Big Stupid Wall separate, now he wants not only wall money but a massive reduction in legal immigration, and also a date with Salma Hayek.

You know, I'm starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than honest.

We're told Steve Bannon's working to challenge every Republican Senator to the left of Robert Kelly. He wants to bring violent felon Michael Grimm back to congress. He's enlisting profiteer mass-murderer Erik Prince to challenge John Barrasso in Wyoming. (I mean, good luck, Darth Wino. Barrasso's more popular in Wyoming than orgasms. That said...it's a very conservative state.) He'll probably have James Woods running for something before long.

Moving on, the usual roving pack of executive branch leakers report that the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days feverishly asking all available experts for new ideas on how he can help the suffering people of Puerto Rico.

HAHAH gotcha! Just kidding, he's just wandering around in a slobbering fury bitching about NBC for reporting the story where Tillerson called him a fucking moron. He's having little success in his quest to make America believe FuckingMoronGate is "fake news," probably because he's such a fucking moron.

(Can we get Marist to poll that one, by the way? I predict 20% of the American people believe the president is a "Moron," 48% say "Fucking Moron," and that reliably-brainwashed 32% says "nuh-uh, he's not a Moron at all HE IS OUR GOD.&quot

Speaking of Puerto Rico, the Shart Administration decided not to renew the island's Jones Act waiver. I guess if you didn't get all the supplies you need to rebuild after back-to-back devastating hurricanes in 10 days, that's your fault, TAKERS.

You'll be pleased to learn that after a long weekend of golf, your President spent today...GOLFING. With Lindsey Graham. Fucker won't even pretend to work five days a week. I bet he didn't even do that reading General Kelly assigned him (a hastily-assembled coloring book titled "Why Nuclear Holocaust is Bad for the Hotel Business).

And now Google's the latest internet mega-company saying Russian agents bought ads on their platform seeking to influence last year's campaign. Pretty soon we're gonna find out Putin was paying Maria Menounos to push Drumpf in the pre-show entertainment at AMC theatres.

GOP congressdolt Sean Duffy insists President Shartcannon's thrice-daily temper tantrums are part of some grand strategy to make people THINK he's an Idiot Manchild so that...fuck, I don't know. Look, if you're willing to perceive anything remotely resembling "strategy" in this fuckhead's chemically-imbalanced tantruming, I'd like to enlist your help in managing my Nigerian Prince buddy's bank account.

Aaaaaaand Ivana and Melania are fighting on the internet, and it's too stupid for me even joke about.

Fuck, y'all. I'm all outta beer, so if you don't mind, I'm just gonna punch myself in the temple until I pass out, and with any luck I'll wake up in Wonderland or Narnia or Mordor or something.

For those of you trapped in this reality...donate to Doug Jones, wouldja?

October 7, 2017

Bob Mueller May be Watching the Pee Tape RIGHT NOW

Hello friends. As always, check out the current post on my site, at:

http://showercapblog.com/bob-mueller-may-be-watching-the-pee-tape-right-now/

Holy fuck, the madness is an inch thick in the air these days. If this blog post cuts out suddenly, it's because I'm walling myself up in the cellar with the Amontillado, and I don't know when the wifi will cut out.

So let's jump right into the deep end of the pool, even though the water looks...questionable.

The nation shudders as we wrap up the second harrowing day of Morongate, excuse me, FuckingMorongate.

Yes, Low-T Rex had the temerity to refer to the President of the United States using terminology we here at this blog would NEVER utilize...because it's way, WAY too fucking tame.

Call me when James Mattis gets caught on tape calling Drumpfy a Dickless, Shit-for-Brains, Piss-Coated, Gas Station Bathroom Plunger, and we'll talk, is all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, Rexy's making noise about resigning, but (and this is a hoot), he wants to hang on for a full year, because he'll pay a tax penalty if he doesn't. And what do you do here? Tillerson is a legendarily shitty Secretary of State, but at least he seems to think starting a nuclear war is a bad idea (ah, how the bar has lowered these last few months). And then you have to wonder who La Grande Sharte would replace him with...John Bolton? Scott Baio? Nero's Ghost?

There's supposed to be some sort of "suicide pact" between Tillerson, Mnuchin and Mattis, where they'd all quit if Shart Garfunkel tried to fire any one of them, I guess? Golly. Who would pay for Steve Mnuchin to fly his trophy wife around the country if Rex got fired? You gotta factor in the collateral damage, people

So, John Kelly's phone got hacked, that's fun. It's kinda weird how congressional Republicans howled at the top of their lungs about the digital security of a certain ex-Secretary of State's private e-mail server, but seem curiously uninterested in the issue lately. I just can't figure that one out. But then, I've been drinking the shit out of this Amontillado.

Boy, Bob Corker's enjoying the freedom that comes with Never Having to Run For Fucking Office Again, isn't he? Suddenly he's gallivanting about town, gleefully describing the handful of grown-ups working in the executive as a barrier between the country and "chaos."

(My sources tell me General Kelly was unsuccessful in keeping the President from learning of Corker's remarks, but he was able to prevent him from discovering the correct definition of "chaos.&quot

Princess Ivanka, and her pet/husband, Jared Kushner, have been fined for failure to submit their required ethics disclosures yet again. I bet that 200 bucks whips those two crooks right into shape. Good job whoever worked out that particular penalty.

Speaking of the Clown Prince and Princess of crime, ProPublica dropped a piece about how they were juuuuuuuuust about to be indicted for one of the shitty grifts their cheap crook dads taught them, when Drumpf family lawyer Marc Kasowitz fed the Manhattan D.A. a fat campaign donation and got the case dismissed.

And wouldja believe the D.A. in question, one Cyrus Vance, Jr., also accepted a sizable donation from Harvey Weinstein's lawyer after dropping a sexual assault case against ol' Harv? More on that in a moment...

Jeff Sessions, that cartoon-eared exemplar of Straight White Male Mediocrity, reversed the Justice Department's position on job protections for transgender Americans, because civil rights is just for white folks, at least while Ol' Beauregard's on the job. You sort of expect Sessions to replace DoJ's Civil Rights Division with a vending machine that sells nothing but Charleston Chew.

Congresshypocrite Tim Murphy resigned, over the whole abortions-should-be-legal-but-my-mistress-needs-to-get-an-abortion-right-fucking-now thing. Scott Desjarlais' over in the corner, hoping nobody notices he's still there.

In an exciting new breaking medical development, hospitals will no longer employ stomach-pumping to purge life-threatening toxins from patients' systems; instead they'll simply read this super-gross Buzzfeed article about Bannon, Milo, and Breitbart aloud.

Lord, I'm retching just typing about it. Regular fuckin' American Horror Story, one day a dude's reaching out to the Daily Stormer for content, the next, he's the lead political advisor for the President of the United States.

And Milo has Nazi passwords, I guess? (Milo's Nazi Passwords sounds like a subpar thrash metal band, doesn't it?) What's most amazing here is that none of us are more than a short Facebook/Twitter interaction away from some prick who'll argue all night long that it's not fair to call any of these bastards "racist."

And Littlefinger offered his ex-wife, Ivana, the Czech Republic Ambassadorship. In any other administration, that's a significant scandal. In this one, you sorta think "Hey, he's finally filling the ambassador posts, that's great!"

Well, naturally the lunatic fringe continues spreading conspiracy theories that the violence in Charlottesville was staged by Obamaite forces funded by George Soros in order to make conservatives look bad, but don't worry, these ideas certainly never wind up parroted by actively serving Republican Congressdopes. HAH HAH FOOLED YOU of course they do.

We also have some novel theories on the causes of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Jeffrey Lord blames abortion. In a bit of particularly amusing logical gymnastics, Jim Inhofe blames sanctuary cities because...brown people MUST be to blame for an old white dude opening fire on an enormous crowd full of human beings...they just MUST be.

(Oklahoma, have you ever considered asking your Senators to pass fifth grade reading comprehension tests?)

Now, the news from Puerto Rico has been pretty bad; millions of Americans suffering without access to power or drinkable water. This has turned into quite the scandalous problem for the Shart Administration, but FEAR NOT, for they have found a solution; removing the tracking data from the FEMA website!

Shit, between erasing access to unflattering information and screaming Fake Gnus all day long, the Shart House can pretend that Puerto Rico's got no problems at all, except maybe a Care Bear infestation.

Boisterous Bob Mueller's team met with Christopher Steele of the famous Steele Dossier. Word is, the intelligence community has been taking the dossier more seriously than they previously let on, isn't that curious? My working theory is that the Pee Tape is real, but Mueller's passed it off to Lin-Manuel Miranda to punch it up with a few songs.

Speaking of Mueller, ABC sez he met today "behind closed doors" with the Chief Judge of the D.C. U.S. District Court. I'm sure they were just exchanging recipes, Donnie, don't worry your little head.

KKKris KKKobach finally had to turn over documents showing just how hard he's working to keep Americans from exercising their constitutional right to vote. Drumpf's a wannabe fascist, but he's lazy...Kobach? He works. Kris Kobach might just be the most dangerous man in America right now. Keep both eyes on him, Resisters.

I tell you what, if things keep going the way they've been, we're gonna need a special section just to round up all the ways these corrupt fucks are spending our tax money on their own private comforts. Maybe I'll call it Grifter's Corner, and I'll get somebody in a dealer's visor and sleeve garters to walk y'all through it.

Ryan Zinke's running a 24/7 campaign party on your dollar. Scott Pruitt's griftin' so hard, the EPA Inspector General's expanding the investigation into his griftin'. Mnuchbag's racked up an $800,000 tab of his own. Even Rick Perry's getting in on the action. And of course, don't forget Boss Shart himself, pocketing north of 137 grand from the Secret Service just in golf cart rentals for his weekly vacation getaways! Straight from your pocket to his, isn't that NIFTY?*

We also learned the Man with Phalangeal Stunting intervened personally to deny an ACA stabilization plan proposed by Iowa REPUBLICANS. I'll give Shartboy one thing; when it comes to shitting on anything with his predecessor's name on it, he is FOCUSED.

...has anybody thought about, like, giving him a big stack of Obama's books at the start of each day, to just rip apart, or set on fire, or wipe his ass with, whatever he wants? We might just be able to run out the clock this way...

Anyway. Know that there's an Iowan or two out there who desperately need health care, and who the President of the United States just basically told "If you wanted to be alive, you shouldn't have let that black guy laugh at me at the Correspondents Dinner in 2015."

I kinda don't even want to talk about the "calm before the storm" thing. Don the Con gets off on that idiot "tune in next week" shit, because he's a tv host, not a President. I guess I bring it up here and now to tell you that I'm never gonna play along with his verbal clickbait again, so when I don't mention it next time, that's why.

Anyway, the Walking Liposuction Bag officially made it so your employer can decide that you're too much of a filthy sex-having hoor to have your birth control covered by your health insurance. They went so far as to openly talk about birth control promoting "risky sexual behavior" like female autonomy and ankle-showing and what have you. This must be that "small government" the conservatives are always going on about.

And congrats are in order for the Marmalade Shartcannon, as his approval hit a brand spankin' new record low today! 32%, with 67% disapproving! Shit, Donnie...tonight you can have THREE scoops. And since you've fallen to just 67% approval among REPUBLICANS, well...have yourself some sprinkles.

Tangerine Idi Amin rage-tweeted at the Dem candidate for Virginia governor, Ralph Northam (kick him a few bucks), something about how he runs drugs for MS-13 and picks locks at your daughter's college dormitory so roving ISIS gangs can rape the co-eds or something. Hey, blatant dishonesty got you all the way to the White House, why change now?

Harvey Weinstein turns out to be a gross old pervert, and fuck his pervy ass, but do all the conservatives taking a victory lap remember they elected the Krotch Klaw President?

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party pretty much immediately went "Hell with that guy," and gave all his donations to women's charities. (Sean Spicer has been particularly exuberant on the Electronic Twitter Machine, as though he weren't the Propaganda Minister for a serial sexual abuser.)

Hey, Roy Moore's biggest donor wants the South to Rise Again and secede and start the kind of "Christian" nation where they stone gays to death and there are certainly no black Presidents and it's probably even some poor woman's job to give Steven Miller a handy once a week.

Dear GOD I wish that race was happening ANYWHERE but Alabama. Still, it's closer that it has any right to be...do Shower Cap a solid and send a few bucks Doug Jones' way, will ya?

We're told Il Douche is about to decertify the Iran deal, over the objections of the entire national security apparatus, who have yet to figure how to adapt to the "Obama was for it so we're against it" maneuver that Stephen Miller applies to great effect whenever he wants to fuck over non-white folks.

Of course, Tom Cotton is all for it, because after all, dropping bombs on unsuspecting brown people is the last remaining thing capable of brining Tommy's dusty, withered, penis to even half-mast.

And a former Apprentice producer told NPR there are all kinds of tapes in some warehouse someplace of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet saying all kinds of racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, shit. This surprises nobody at this point. Hell, if we unearthed these tapes, whatever horrific garbage he spews would just wind up on signs and buttons and t-shirts at the next Feverish Gathering of Shitty White People, excuse me "Campaign Rally."

Now, you just KNEW there was no way the Shart could pull off a Hispanic Heritage Month event without embarrassment, but even I wasn't prepared for his, um, "accent," holy hell. At least Kelly activated the shock collar before he launched into his West Side Story cabaret act.

CNN reports that General Kelly has, in 3 short months, been reduced to sitting at his desk, mumbling how he's "getting too old for this shit," because Shart Wrangling is a tough, tough job. It's like that bit in KRAMER VS KRAMER, only instead of making breakfast, you're trying to prevent global thermonuclear war.

And now Axios (those gossipy rapscallions) reports that Lil' Donnie No-Significant-Legislation called up Chuck (of "Chuck & Nancy" fame) to talk health care, and Hill Republicans are all sad because they really REALLY want to murder a bunch of poor folks, and Chuck n' Nancy never want to play any poor-murdering games.

Anyway, I had no idea Amontillado could fuck up your shit this bad, so I'm just gonna curl up in the corner and hope that I wake up in 2021 now...wish me luck!

*Editor's note: No, it is not nifty.

October 4, 2017

BREAKING SCOOP! McConnell: The Time Has Come...to Embrace Evil!

Hey folks...as always, you can check out this post on my blog site:

http://showercapblog.com/breaking-shower-cap-scoop-mcconnell-time-come-embrace-evil/

BREAKING SHOWER CAP SCOOP:

We all remember reading about the meeting Mitch McConnell called shortly after Barack Obama's election, the one where he laid out the Republican plan to obstruct every Obama goal, to deny him accomplishments and make him a one-term president.

Well, I have obtained EXCLUSIVE audio of a similar meeting, held just last night, called once again by McConnell, of all currently serving GOP Congressmen and Senators.

(The audio was obtained by planting recording devices in a number of unnecessarily-large American flag lapel pins, which were then left in a bowl in the Senate Republican Cloakroom, knowing that no Republican would be willing to appear less patriotic than his cohorts.)

"Gentleman, and almost-but-not-quite-equal ladies...times have changed, and we must change with them. We gather here on the eve of the worst mass-shooting in American history, knowing full well that we have actively enabled it at every conceivable turn, and further that we will use every power at our disposal to ensure the next mass murderer faces little, if any, obstruction in assembling the tools necessary for his bloody work, and so too for the next murderer, and the next and the next and the next.

We have spent the entire year in a determined effort to strip health insurance from millions of our constituents; and we conspire even now to shift ever more wealth to our donors, daring even to openly RAISE taxes on vast swaths of the middle class!

And our voters, improbably but exuberantly, cheer us on at every step.

Our voters have changed. Gone are the days of fiscal conservatism, of pursuing any coherent agenda at all, really.

Our base doesn't desire a better job or a nicer house; they want the family that already has that nicer house to be dragged into the street and forced to watch it burn to the ground. They don't want their government to improve anyone's life; they simply want us to make their enemies suffer. And if their enemies are their fellow Americans, so much the better. Strip them of their rights and their security, their access to health care and the ballot, their very humanity if it's at all possible.

Why? There is no why, friends. We no longer represent a rational constituency. We haven't for some time now. I don't know if you noticed, but we've got people marching around wearing swastika armbands in broad daylight, and they ain't votin' for Bernie Sanders. Perhaps we should finally be honest with ourselves about what we are.

In short, the time has come, my friends...to embrace evil.

"Finally!" exclaimed Tom Cotton, pumping his fist exuberantly before biting the head off one of the lightly-sedated puppies he keeps in his desk to snack on during late-night vote-a-ramas.

"Master! Master!" cried an unfamiliar voice, "I have an idea!" It was Tim Murphy, Congressman from the Pennsylvania 18th. "It's about the 20-week abortion ban bill!"

"Ah yes," cooed McConnell. "That vote's coming up this very week, is it not? You may speak."

"Master, I have asked my very own mistress to abort the unborn child conceived from our foul, illicit writhings! Might not the news of this hypocrisy be used to christen our assault upon female autonomy?"

"Yes....YES. 'Twill do, 'twill do excellent well methinks! Leak the story at once!" McConnell oozed.

"Master, if you wish it, I could slit the girl's throat on the floor on the House, e'en as I cast my vote! What a statement that would make!"

"No, no," chuckled the Majority Leader, "That won't be necessary. Though your enthusiasm is admirable, my son."

And with a wave of his flipper-like hand, pages emerged from the shadows, distributing to each of gathered Republicans a single, spent shell casing recovered from Stephen Paddock's hotel room at the Mandalay Bay, and a plastic bottle of water stolen from a shipment that had been marked for the Puerto Rican recovery effort.

Uttering an oath in a vile language no decent person would dare to speak in open daylight, they each swallowed their casing, relieved to finally swear open allegiance to the dark gods they've flirted with for so long.

And let me tell ya, now that the call has been made, they're really leaning into the evil this week.

Starting of course, with the typical "Let's not talk about gun control, let's run out the clock until the public moves on to whatever's next" response to a dude stockpiling his own personal arsenal and using it to declare open season on Whatever Human Beings Happened to be Below His Hotel Window, killed 59 and wounding close to 600.

600. One guy. Jesus fucking Christ.

Shart House talking points urge us to "gather the facts." What facts are we gathering, fuckheads? Do you imagine, that on further inspection, this dickhead's FORTY-SEVEN guns will turn out to be elaborate chocolate replicas, and nobody's really dead? Fuck you.

With no rational excuse for their inaction, the GOP has settled on "Hey, every so often a whole bunch of us are going to die in a horrific hail of bullets, WHADDYA GONNA DO?" To serial pervert Bill O'Reilly, that's "the price of freedom." To John Thune, we all just need to learn how to "get small" enough that when some jackass starts shooting, the bullets can't find us! (Great solution, John! I can see why you're a Senator!) To Jason Chaffetz, no solution is even imaginable; mass slaughter is just a fact of life now, and if you or someone you love happen to be in the line of fire, well, SHRUG!

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US?!? WE LOWERED THE FLAG TO HALF-MAST!

Yes, the best the entire conservative movement can come up with in response to all these stupid, useless, gun deaths is..."Shit Happens." And for their voters, somehow...that's good enough. What word can you use but "Evil?"

Nikki Haley was all "You call that evil? I'LL SHOW YOU BITCHES EVIL," and then she had the United States VOTE AGAINST A RESOLUTION CONDEMNING THE USE OF THE DEATH PENALTY FOR BEING LGBT AT THE UNITED NATIONS.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!? Look, I don't expect the Shart Administration to have Jed Bartlet's values, but I confess I was hoping the floor was a little bit higher than "Gay people don't deserve to live."

Newsweek reports the Mercer family and other Republican billionaires are happily footing Tangerine Idi Amin's legal bills, because collusion with a hostile foreign power is a small price to pay when you're looking for fat fuckin' tax cuts...if you're EVIL, that is.

I'm not even CLOSE to done yet. There's gonna be so much evil, you'll get tired of evil.

The GOP congress got so swept up in their latest ACA-repeal fever dream that they let CHIP expire, WHOOPSIE! No biggie, it's just health care for 9 million CHILDREN, you'd have to be awfully damn evil to let 9 million CHILDREN lose their...oh wait.

Shit, everyone knows the Freedom Caucus just wants more cancer-ridden kids to serve at their weekly banquets! (And you can interpret "serve" however you like, chums.)

Mike Pence's chief of staff, Nick Ayers, is ALL ABOUT dat evil. He wants a "purge" of Republicans who are inadequately deferential to President Shartcannon and his meandering agenda. "Purge." Jesus. Well, at least that explains the Stalin mustache Ayers has been wearing around the office on Casual Fridays.

Now, if we're gonna talk about REAL evil...and seriously, if you're under 18, you should ask your parents' permission before reading this paragraph...it turns out that Jared and Ivanka maintained, and conducted government business from, YET ANOTHER private e-mail address, the third uncovered so far. (I apologize for the shocking language.)

For extra fun, Jar-Jar and the Princess moved their private e-mail accounts to the Drumpf Organization once they got caught, because not only is obstructing justice an automatic reflex in this family, but so is doing so with all the finesse of a three-legged hippo. (Seriously, look at how Jared's dad wound up in prison. Master criminals these folks ain't.)

Anyway, there is NO WAY these e-mails haven't been hacked by every nation on earth by now, so I bet Gowdy Doody's about to launch eleventy-five separate investigations, because we all know that using private e-mail is greatest imaginable sin for a government official.

...right? RIGHT?

Anyhow, you better believe the Velveeta Urinal Cake wants in on the evil. The dude wants nuclear war with North Korea so bad he went on Twitter to tell his Secretary of State NOT TO BOTHER WITH DIPLOMACY.

Gorilla Grodd's sitting in the corner, slow-clapping over that one.

But don't worry, the State Department spokesperson is throwing around tough talk about not allowing NK to obtain nuclear capacity...despite their obtaining nuclear capacity some time ago. We're in good hands, aren't we?

And then of course, Shartboy went to Puerto Rico. And somehow, with subatomic expectations, he managed to underperform.

He took special care to snub the Mayor of San Juan, who he's "feuding" with over the botched recovery effort. He awkwardly "joked" about the all the budget problems these suffering people were causing, with their selfish existing-in-the-path-of-a-hurricane. He took special note to tell the residents of the island that theirs wasn't a REAL disaster like Katrina, SO STOP WHINING, YOU PUSSIES. Then he threw paper towels out into the crowd like a mascot at a baseball game, only instead of being fun, it was mocking millions of Americans in dire need of humanitarian assistance, WHEEEEEE.

For a little frosting on the Cupcake of Evil, Boss Shart gave a shout-out to the far-right conspiracy theory that Puerto Rican truck drivers are on strike, because the President of the United States gets his information from the sort of sources that push Pizzagate. Sleep tight.

Drumpf's IRS decided to award a no-bid contract to Equifax to verify taxpayer identities, even tough Equifax just got half the country's shit hacked. This is sort of the crossroads of Evil and Incompetence, which is really where most governing is done these days.

Once you've absorbed all the Raw Evil, the Merely Corrupt seems almost quaint. Nikki Haley violated the Hatch Act, how quaint. Ryan Zinke's being investigated by the Interior Department's Inspector General? Awww....who's a corrupt government official? YOU are! YOU are!

Speaking of rampant GOP corruption, turns out Paul Ryan went to bat for recently-departed HHS secretary/incorrigible grifter Tom Price, because fiscal conservatism means that it's totally appropriate for a Republican to force taxpayers to shell out a million bucks in six months so he can travel in style, so long as he supports gutting the Meals on Wheels program.

Let's take a quick detour from Evil, even from Corruption, down a little side street called Seriously How Fucking Stupid Are You? It seems that one of the newest GOP congressdopes, Ron Estes from Kansas, got tricked into booking a room at the Capitol for a faux congressional hearing broadcast on Ukrainian television for the benefit of lobbyists.

Good lord. Maybe we should make Republican Congressmen pass some of those No Child Left Behind grade school tests before we let them pass laws and shit.

Anyway, the Supreme Court heard arguments on partisan gerrymandering today, so now we just get to sit around and wait for Anthony Kennedy to decide how much democracy we get. NEAT.

Aaaaand a late CNN story tells us that Russian Facebook ads specifically targeted Wisconsin and Michigan, and golly, it's really awesome knowing a hostile foreign power made such a difference in an election that installed a Rancid Jar of Mayonnaise as the American President, isn't it?

Speaking of late-breaking news, today's the day we learned what "bump stocks" are, and that, for reasons beyond any sane mind's capacity for comprehension, they are somehow LEGAL. What genius had that idea? FUCK.

So yeah. Shit be cray. Shit's been cray for awhile now, but I think the GOP's open embrace of pure evil will at least be clarifying in days to come.

I'M LOOKING FOR SILVER LININGS, FUCK YOU.

October 3, 2017

Don't Let the Bastards Set the Terms of the Argument

Sooooo...let's do something a little different tonight.

(And as always, feel free to check out this post on my shiny new blog site: http://showercapblog.com/screaming-at-idiots-on-twitter-wont-stop-the-nra/)

Let's talk about the battles we fight and the terms we fight them on.

Let's talk about the "Don't politicize the tragedy, this is a time for healing" crowd.

You don't need me to tell you this kind of talk isn't about "healing," or "respect for the dead." It's about being on the less popular side of a divisive issue, and the sad truth that while the public will howl for common-sense/seriously-how-fucking-dumb-are-we-to-let-this-keep-happening gun control measures for awhile, well, give it a few weeks, and we'll move on to the next thing, because that's what we always do.

So yeah. "This is a time for healing" REALLY means "Let's run out the clock, we don't care about the people who died, and we sure as shit don't care about the people who die in the next one. We just don't give a single fuck."

My whole news feed is full of decent, well-intentioned folks, from the highest halls of power on down to just regular people trying to do the right thing, navigating their way through this dumbass right-wing talking point as though it's a good-faith argument worthy of addressing.

"No, this IS the time to politicize the issue, because XYZ."

And so we get bogged down, bickering on their terms, which is, of course, the entire fucking purpose of the bullshit "argument" in the first place.

Why play along? It's obviously nothing but an empty talking point. Just raw, unfiltered, horseshit.

So TREAT IT like horseshit. Blow straight past it without bothering to notice the idiot spouting it.

"You shouldn't politicize the tragedy!"

"Lord, that's a stupid fucking thing to say. ANYHOW..."

We have to stop participating on their terms. Because the right wing is extremely good at this sort of messaging. This is how "end of life counseling" becomes "DEATH PANELS HOLY SHIT OBAMA WANTS TO UNPLUG GRAMMA AND PEE ON HER WHILE SHE DIES."

Great example of this is how the far-right media dealt with Charlottesville.

You'd think that when a bunch of white supremacist jags hold a rally with Nazi flags and swastika armbands, and their rally turns violent, and people wind up hurt and killed, choosing sides won't be particularly tricky.

But no. After two weeks in the lunatic right wing media spin cycle, suddenly the NAZI TERRORIST took a backseat to the supposed free-roving gangs of Antifa thugs who apparently prowl the streets of every American community, salivating at the chance to beat any innocent passing conservative to a bloody pulp.

And we dutifully played along. Do you remember this? NAZI TERRORIST in jail for MURDERING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, videos of white supremacists beating a black guy within an inch of his life, videos of Klansmen firing guns into crowds, and everyone on the left feels obligated to somberly agree that yes, Antifa is just as bad as the NAZI TERRORIST WHO KILLED SOMEBODY.

And, having been given an inch, the right gleefully takes their entirely-predictable mile. Now suddenly EVERYBODY who protests white supremacy gets swept up under the same heading; we're ALL "Antifa." The whole left. Suddenly the NAZI TERRORIST'S victim is "Antifa," and thus a violent, out-of-control thug who pretty much deserved what she got.

That's what happens when we let them set the terms of the debate. When we play by their rules.

Look at the all the disingenuous blather over the kneeling protests. As you can see from the fans who jeer players for kneeling BEFORE the anthem, this has not one minuscule fucking thing to do with "the flag," or "the troops" or "patriotism," it's entirely about a one group of people saying "Black Lives Matter" and the other responding, "No. They Don't."

And we all KNOW that. So let's stop wasting energy poking holes in the bullshit "argument" that's phony anyway.

"Black Lives Matter." "No. They Don't." That's the discussion that's ACTUALLY happening, the faux patriotism is just a flimsy shield because these fucks understand that even they can't get away with just saying "No, Your Lives Do Not Matter."

Why pretend we don't see the bullshit? Why dignify it? Why allow the argument to take place on such blatantly fraudulent terms? When you see bullshit, call it bullshit.

I know there's an impulse to engage. "Logic is on our side, surely that will win them over." This again, assumes good faith where it simply does not exist.

The vast majority of these types are not rational or reasonable, and therefore they aren't REACHABLE. You can throw airtight logic at them 'till the cows come home, and they'll still go right on believing that climate change is a hoax and that John Podesta runs a child sex slavery ring from the nonexistent basement of a pizza joint.

And you can point out "Oh, you claim to believe X, but Y proves you don't, hah hah!" So fucking what? No degree of hypocrisy can shame these people. We're talking about a "religious" right that bellows about morality when it comes to LGBT rights, or reproductive rights, but unhesitatingly endorses a moral black hole like Donald Trump. Mitch McConnell can inhale stealing a Supreme Court seat, and exhale "Democrats are practicing obstruction on an unprecedented scale" with a smile on his face. They just don't give a fuck.

WHATEVER THE ISSUE, the far right will find some excuse to demonize us, a fresh reason to hate us. Seriously. When presented with NAZI TERRORISM, they actually found a way to come out of a national tragedy hating us even more.

Cult45 doesn't MIND being a cult. They ENJOY being a cult. They're eager partners in their own brainwashing, in fact. They consume their demented, hateful, soul-warping media all day long, and honestly, they seem to enjoy it a great deal.

So I'm pretty much done politely respecting shit arguments offered in bad faith.

Fuck your feelings. You're the "more lives snuffed out? MEH." party, the "literally no number of human lives are more important to me than the NRA's bank account" movement. Your position is pro-murder, and I'm not going to call it anything else from here on out.

Joe the Plumber put it quite succinctly: "Your dead kids don't trump my out-of-control insecurity and the resulting need I have to cling to a penis substitute." That's what these little turds believe.

I won't waste one more moment on any of your ridiculous "guns don't kill people" blather, because I recognize it for what it is; a ludicrous distraction designed slow down those of us working for the changes necessary to protect human lives.

If you don't give a fuck about all this senseless loss of life, I guess I can't make you. You're broken. That's your fault, and your problem.

If you don't understand why we should work to prevent tens of thousands of completely avoidable deaths, it's because, frankly, you're a shit person. You fail at humanity. Cool. I have exactly zero time for you.

I'm done listening to these lunatics. And I'm done engaging with the rage monsters trying to waste my time. I'm going over, around, and through these dipshits from now on. And you should, too.

So when the ranting maniac pops up in the comment thread to slobber about Antifa, or George Soros, or "you can't regulate evil," don't give him what he wants. Don't give him your time.

ESPECIALLY since we now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there are better ways to spend that time. Call your Congressman. Call your Senator, your Governor. See, THAT works. Arguing with the dumbass trolls on Facebook didn't sink the GOP health care bill, targeted, sustained activism did.

Bills don't pass on Twitter, folks.

So, do more of that thing that works, is what I'm saying. We're only just beginning to understand how powerful we are. Don't despair, don't waste time...get to work.

September 30, 2017

Puerto Rico is Just Like Katrina, Only With Tons More Presidential Golf and Whining

Hey folks! New post up! Check it out below, or at my humble blog site:

http://showercapblog.com/puerto-rico-katrina-golf-whining/

Looking back, the Presidential debates really did us a disservice last year. The moderators failed to ask the questions that would turn out to be relevant. Questions like "Does it matter to you whether an American citizen lives or dies, assuming that citizen is Puerto Rican?" or "During a humanitarian crisis, will you lash out at the victims for disrupting your weekly golf vacation?"

Yes, as Puerto Ricans suffer and die, President Turdweasel wields the power of his post and his pulpit tirelessly in the cause of...blame deflection. Especially since the Washington Post published an article laying out precisely how his indifference and inaction worsened the crisis, SHARTUS wants everybody to know those shiftless, lazy brown people are to blame for their own problems, having so foolishly placed their island in the path of a hurricane (Puerto Rico's an island, by the way. Surrounded by big, fat, sloppy ocean water. A lot of people don't know that). Besides, goddammit, after a tiring week of working to crush black athletes' speech rights, HE HAS EARNED HIS GOLF TIME AND ALSO PROBABLY A THIRD SCOOP GET RIGHT ON THAT GENERAL KELLY.

(While I'm writing this, Sharty McFly tweets out that Puerto Ricans shouldn't believe the "fake news," by which one assumes he means their own direct experiences of trying to survive without power or clean water, but instead believe his own version of events, where everyone is riding around on unicorns talking about how magnificent their President is.)

Moving on, HHS is forbidding employees from participating in regional Obamacare outreach/sign-up events. See, they can't prevent you from HAVING the right to affordable health insurance, but if they do their damnedest to keep you from KNOWING about that right, well, maybe a few extra poor folks will die, and we all know how much Paul Ryan loves holding fundraising dances out in Potter's Field.

You sort of expect them to pursue this tactic more and more in the future. Like, they'll build a bunch of new highways, cover them in tarps and blankets, and then sit by the side of the road, snickering at all the poor schmucks still stuck in traffic during their morning communities.

I guess young Jared Kushner didn't tell the Senate Intelligence Committee that he was conducting government business from a private e-mail address like some sort of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the government only learned about this lie memory lapse because Jar-Jar's lawyer fell for a prankster's hoax.

Hmmm...this may be a new avenue for the Russia investigation. Maybe if we take these dopes out for a night of competitive improv, they'll get even sloppier and spill the remaining beans. "Ok, I need an audience suggestion for a Place You'd Commit Treason In...the Seychelles, good! Now can I get the name for, let's say, a Russian Oligarch to Serve as an Intermediary Between Your Campaign and the Kremlin?"

Speaking of Kushner, he's being sued for being a shitty slumlord! Hey, remember when we weren't governed by shitty slumlords? Not to get all partisan but...I liked those times better.

Anyway, Politico reports that Jared's boneheaded recklessness has almost certainly led to his devices and data being hacked by foreign powers. I dunno. Seems kinda redundant, since you can already count on President Shartcannon gleefully spouting classified intel to show off for visiting dignitaries.

The Melting Sherbet Manatee has taken to telling people that he totally woulda repealed Obamacare, but they fell just shy a vote shy because there was a Senator in the hospital.

Now, there were no Senators in the hospital, which is really quite easy to uncover, as there are only 100 of them and they're all pretty famous (well, maybe not you, Steve Daines) and therefore fairly easy to keep track of.

Makes you wonder why he'd even attempt a lie so pathetically obvious? I mean, you'd need to be instinctively dishonest, hopelessly stupid, and reflexively unwilling to take any responsibility whatsoever to even ATTEMPT such a brazen...

...hang on, I get it now.

Anyway. Secretary of Trophy Wives Steve Mnuchin didn't like a federal study that demonstrated the Mnuchin-friendly tax cut Mnuchin spends all his time pimping is bad for the working class...so he took the study down! He's a real Gordian Knot Cutter, that Mnuchbag.

In the wake of a racist hate incident at U.S. Air Force Academy's prep school, Superintendent Lt. Gen. Jay Silveria gathered the cadets to deliver a righteous sermon/ass-reaming on the subject of being a piece-of-shit racist scrotal tumor. It must be noted that Silveria failed to identify any "very fine people" on the hate-mongering side. Boy howdy, that military coup can't come fast enough, AMIRIGHT?

Didja see that poll showing Slobbery Rage Preacher Roy Moore up a measly 6 points on his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, in the Alabama senate race? That's a fightin' chance, Resisters! Let's all pitch in and help send Doug to the Senate! It might take awhile to get the smell of burnt crosses out of Jeff Sessions' old seat, but it'd be worth it!

Fresh off his no-consequences-for-a-lifetime-of-twisting-law-enforcement-to-serve-jackbooted-white-supremacy Presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio announced his intention to spend more time with his one true love, Birtherism, and somehow Sarah Huckabee Sanders trots out every day to condescendingly reprimand us for suggesting that any of this, from pardoning a fuck like Sheriff Joe to doing all he can to squash black athletes' free speech rights to abandoning Puerto Rico to die, implies that Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "Racist.&quot is in any way racist.

Oh hey, the Department of "Justice" is trying to sink Jeff Sessions' grubby, elven fingers into the personal Facebook account info of private citizens who had the audacity to protest this shitty, shitty regime's shitty shittiness.

No biggie, just an administration that's already demonstrated an alarming disrespect for the rule of law, collecting personal information on political opponents. I bet they just want to send everybody invitations to Ol' Beauregard's birthday party, where the centerpiece is everyone gathering around the veranda to watch injured racing greyhounds get euthanized.

Top Shart House financial advisor Gary Cohn, eager to sell his boss's tax "reform" plan, suggested that some middle class families would save around $1,000, which they could then use buy a brand new car, or maybe a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Gary can't be bothered to understand the minute details of the economics of poorness!

The IMPORTANT thing is that Gary and his American oligarch bridge club, THEY'LL save enough money to buy a water polo team, or a private island, or maybe the last surviving breeding pair of some endangered species which they would then eat just because they can.

Megyn Kelly's struggles to reinvent herself as a cool, fun, friendly, television personality continue. "Why does everybody focus on the years of unapologetic right-wing propaganda schilling? JUST LET ME BE WHITE OPRAH DAMMIT!"

Speaker of the House/Olympic-Grade Asskisser Paul Ryan says there are no significant differences between him and his beloved God Emperor. Which, for those keeping score at home, puts Ryan and the GOP on the hook for the pussy-grabbing, the very-fine-peopling of Nazis, the leaving-Puerto-Rico-to-die, and, I suppose, the repeatedly-failing-to-repeal-Obamacare.

Somehow in the midst of all of this shit, we have to pay attention to this dumbshit Dr. Seuss story? Look, I get it, we all hate the Drumpfs and pretty much everything they do, but maybe when Melania donates some kids books, we can skip out on pitching that particular fit.

Hey, looks like Michael Grimm, fresh outta prison, wants to run for congress again! Naturally, he's hired a Shart campaign alum. Perhaps he'll join with Greg Gianforte to form the Unhinged Violent Lunatic Caucus. They won't propose any legislation, they'll just roam the halls of Capitol Hill like a gang from The Warriors.

So, a Dallas police sergeant tried to sue...Black Lives Matter. The hashtag? The idea? Who the fuck knows? Anyhow, a judge told him he can't sue a movement because DUH. Judge Jeanine and the Fux n' Frenz crew...did not take the news well.

Maybe Double J and the Morning Hate Brigade will move on to plan B, where they go door to door, demanding a nickel from every black person in America, one at a time. Think of it like reparations in reverse!

Pity poor Tom Price. He saw his cheap grifter boss blowing millions of taxpayer dollars on golf trips every single weekend and figured "nobody'll notice if one lil' ol' Cabinet Secretary were to drop one lil' ol' million on chartered jets, right?" (It's totally nuts that a guy with a long, documented history of abusing his government post for personal profit would abuse his government post for personal profit.)

After he got nailed to the wall by Politico, he even offered to pay the money back! Well...some of it. Not "most" of it, or "more than half of it," or even, to be honest, "terribly much of it," but...some.

Oddly, this feeble gesture wasn't enough, and he got shitcanned...er, "submitted his resignation" anyway.

(This space provided to allow the reader emotional space to weep for Tom Price. Please take your time. If you hear cacophonous laughter, don't worry, that's just me.)

Tom, as you transition to private life, I wish you crotch rot and gout. I wish you papercuts and wedgies and stubbed toes. And most of all, I wish you COACH. Long journeys in coach, with endless delays, sandwiched between two dudes who never, ever stop farting.

May all your fruit salads be filled with underripe honeydew, you shifty fuckwad. Go away forever.

Anyway, hopefully the Shart Administration will provide guidance on exactly how much taxpayer money you're allowed to piss away on personal extravagances before you get fired. That way an enterprising young administrative-state-deconstructor like Scott Pruitt can see when he's bumping up against the threshold, and cancel the steakhouse dinners so as to preserve the necessary mad money for his sound-proof fapping booth.

Heh...right on cue, VA Secretary David Shulkin, who's managed to remain relatively unnoticed in the day-to-day shitstorm thus far, got caught sticking taxpayers with the bill for his and his wife's fancy European vacation. Well, I've never been to Wimbledon myself, but at least I can say I paid for some corrupt dickbag to go.

Anyhow, that's all the news that's fit to scream at the television about. We're at, what...about 13 months before we get to Vote in the Goddamn Midterms? Whew. Let's hang onto that, folks.

September 28, 2017

Tom Price Spent $23,715 on this Post, But Jeff Sessions Doesnt Think It Counts as Free Speech

Hiya, Resisters! Here's tonight's post! Check it out on my blog site at:

http://showercapblog.com/tom-price-jeff-sessions/

I tell you folks, shit's so crazy it's like we're playing paintball with bat crap. Shit could only be crazier if, I dunno, the GOP nominated a member of the Taliban to run for an open Senate seat.

...wait, what? (Reads about last night's Alabama Senate primary runoff.)

Ok. I'm just about done, folks. Anybody know how to hibernate?

(Before we move on, let's take a quick moment to laugh at Dorito Mussolini's sad attempt to cover up his ginormous Alabama failure by deleting his tweets endorsing the Quite-Tall-But-Still-Unsuccessful Luther Strange. Does he think we didn't notice? It's like 1984 for abnormally unintelligent children.)

Anyhow, is anyone else sick of the dumbfuck GOP base rampaging unchecked around the countryside, fucking up everything in sight like Zombies That Eat Butts Instead of Brains Cuz They Won't Do What Those Snooty Coastal Elites Tell Them To?

We keep learning more and more about how the Russians used social media ads to influence the election, and it turns out the chief strategy was basically Rile Up the Dumb and the Racist with Obviously Untrue Shit But Don't Worry They'll Never Fact Check Anything That Tells Them to Hate the People They Want to Hate. (See Gate, Pizza.)

(Oh, and the left wasn't immune, as some of Vlad's Ads aimed to push the ragier bros from the Bernie movement into the waiting arms of Useful Idiot Jill Stein.)

There was a poll out today that says nearly half of all Americans don't know Puerto Ricans are American citizens, and of that near-half, NINETY-SIX PERCENT are Il Douche backers. "I love the poorly educated" indeed.

I don't want to be controversial here, but this whole thing where we're governed by the dumbest and angriest among us doesn't seem to be working out.

Meanwhile, that dude who wrote a bunch of the Blockhead Right's favorite fake news stories (Big hits include Obama Was a Gay Muslim & George Soros Pays Protestors) died from an overdose.

You shitty fucker. I hope you go to special hell populated exclusively by the dumbasses you misled, and you spend all eternity trying to get them to hook up your cable.

See that thing where North Koreans are calling up anybody they can get ahold of to figure out whether or not the Tantruming Toddler really wants to start nuclear war? "What's this fucking idiot thinking?" "DOES he think?" "Is 'Rosie O'Donnell' code for some sort of Doomsday Device?"

Our Attorney General has some...interesting ideas about free speech. Ol' Beauregard doesn't like it when Librul Antifa Demon(strator)s hold protests saying "White Supremacists Are Bad," but also that the NFL should make a rule where football players aren't allowed to mouth (er, kneel) off at work.

See, Milo Yannapedo has speech rights, but Colin Kaepernick doesn't. Milo's WHITE, you see.

For extra fun, Sessions had protesters banned from his speech about free speech. Maybe Jefferson just wants to personally select what is and isn't legally-permitted speech on a case by case basis. Also, he thinks your boss can fire you for being gay. He's got some sort of patchwork, Mr. Potato Head Constitution, I guess.

The acting head of the DEA is stepping down at the end of the week, because he feels the President of the United States has no respect for the rule of law. And America was like "Yeah, sounds about right, come to think of it I wonder why we haven't seen more of this," because we live in such normal, bland, boring, times.

A poppin' fresh University of Wisconsin-Madison study shows that the Wisco GOP's voter ID law did exactly what it was intended to; kept enough African-Americans from exercising their voting rights to perpetuate Republican power even as they lost the people's approval. And thus does Ron Johnson, whose staff won't allow him to handle grown-up scissors, get to blunder around the Senate floor, loudly wondering where the vending machines are, for six more years.

Hey, Shart, Jr. turned his Secret Service protection back on. Guess he got all those documents shredded. When they make the movie about these fucks, Junior's not gonna be portrayed as some elegant, Cary-Grant-esque master criminal, y'know?

Puerto Rico looks more and more like Trump's Katr-WAIT LOOK OVER THERE AT THOSE BLACK GUYS THEY SHOULD KNOW THEIR PLACE AMIRIGHT?

Yup yup, the Velveeta Urinal Cake's really riding this anthem thing hard.

Word is, Sharty McFly takes his culture warrior role very seriously. Much more seriously than his commander-in-chief role, his steward of the economy role, his legislative shepherd role...Yeah, he's somehow convinced himself that if he can just force the NFL to shut the black guys up, his base'll forget about all those silly jobs he promised.

God knows that one fuckhead Pennsylvania fire chief is on board. Fuckhead wants everyone to know how unfair it is that folks are calling him "racist." That's like Andrew W.K. getting upset at someone for suggesting he enjoys partying, so fuck Fuckhead Fire Chief.

And yeah, there are still millions of Americans without power or potable water in Puerto Rico. The administration's strategy for dealing with this humanitarian crisis is...to desperately try to sweep it under the rug! They're blocking members of Congress from visiting the island, they're lowering expectations for success, they're even reminding us that...(sigh) that Puerto Rico is an island, and thus there is an ocean involved.

And of course, they're trying REALLY REALLY HARD to get us to focus on football players.

There's a bunch of talk about the Jones Act, which requires goods shipped between...you know what, rather than straight David-Clarke-style plagiarism, why don't you just read about it here?

Anyway, the Jones Act tends to get waived during national disasters, because, y'know, when it comes to helping people who need help, your first priority tends to be making sure folks get the help they need, wherever it comes from. Assuming you have some semblance of decency.

Ah, but when the people who need the help aren't white, and when your base doesn't think they're even American citizens...well, in that case, especially if you happen to be an exceptionally shitty human being, well, then you might be stupid/cruel enough to say that you're placing wealthy businessfucker's interests above the needs of suffering/dying human beings.

I see young Jar-Jar registered to vote as a girl Jar-Jar rather than a boy Jar-Jar. My sources tell me he also listed his occupation as "pony," and his party affiliation as "yes please tee hee."

Oh, and Kushner's lawyer got duped by a prankster, because that's just how we haze Team Shart's legal team, I guess. Spicey's lawyering up, so maybe somebody should call them and pretend to have pics of Sean peeing in the bushes while hiding from the press.

Roger Stone sat down for a friendly chat with the House Intelligence Committee, figuring that everyone would be so dazzled by his fancy suit and shiny hair that they wouldn't notice he wasn't answering their questions. They noticed, and now Roger's likely to have earned himself a subpoena of his very own. Nice job, Rog!

We keep learning about all the fun ways Tom Price has been spending our tax money on Tom Price. Private jets to have lunch with your son? MURICA FIRST! Shartboy allegedly isn't happy, but seems oddly uninterested in firing a guy just cuz he's burning through fat stacks of the public's hard-earned cash. Meanwhile, Price has stolen the Lunar Roving Vehicle from the Smithsonian in order to run to Walmart for shaving cream and Funyons.

Hey, speaking of egregious misuse of taxpayer funds, Scott Pruitt's merrily billing We the People twenty-five grand for some kind of creepy soundproof booth for his office. I guess Scotty-Boy doesn't want his trademark moaning to tip off his underlings that he's wanking to videos of panic-stricken polar bears on melting ice rafts AGAIN.

Oh, and it turns on Pruitt's taken his share of expensive trips on our dime, too. I liked the old swamp better, is all I'm saying.

Bob Corker announced his retirement from the Senate, opening up what's sure to be a bloody primary in Tennessee. I bet the GOP runoff comes down to a transplanted Kim Davis and Some Jag Who Promises to Create Jobs by Building a Koran-Burning Factory Outside of Chattanooga.

Corker's exit is the maraschino cherry on top of Mitch McConnell's shit week. Even SHARTUS is mocking him behind his back, to which I say, "Back off, making fun of Yertle is appropriating our culture."

And Don the Con rolled out his Let's Cut My Taxes, It's the Whole Reason I Ran, You Stupid Fucking Rubes Plan today.

Now, Smallhands Magoo insists the tax plan won't benefit him. "Believe me," he said in his speech today, and I think it's actually kinda cute that he still imagines anyone trusts him. Drumpf concluded his remarks by inviting the press to follow him into a nearby sewer, insisting "You'll float too."

So, his proposition revokes the Alternative Minimum Tax. While Donnie Darko has refused to release his tax returns (and he sure as shit ain't showing 'em to us now), remember way back when Rachel Maddow got ahold of a few pages? Yeah, you might check out what eliminating the AMT would do for the Grifter in Chief.

And it goes without saying that the Misshapen Traffic Cone wants to eliminate the estate tax, which will benefit his shitty kids to the tune of tens of millions of dollars. Is that really even necessary? I mean, Ivanka's been paying Eric in potato salad for years now. (He thinks it's currency, poor dumb kid.)

Anyway, the whole thing blows up the deficit, tosses another ten-ton weight on the wrong side of the inequality see-saw, and actually raises taxes on a bunch of us sucker non-millionaires, but don't worry...once it kicks in Paul Ryan will happily tell us we can't afford silly extravagances like "roads" and "education for our children" anymore.

Hilariously, Tangerine Idi Amin threatened Indiana Democrat Joe Donnelly that he'd come to Indiana and campaign against him if he didn't support the tax bill. The day after the candidate he endorsed got his ass kicked in Alabama. Heh.

It's like the Cardinals talking shit on the Cubs after the Cubs clinched the division in the Cardinals' home park, which happened while I was writing this, so forgive me if I take the rest of the night to cling to a little fleeting joy in the shitstorm. Be well, Resisters! Even the Cardinals fans!*

*You sure did lose to the Cubs tonight, though.

September 26, 2017

Thirty Two Short Films About Steve Bannon's Mole

Hi there resisters...here's the latest. As always, check out my blog site at:


http://showercapblog.com/saving-aca-yet-thirty-two-short-films-steve-bannons-mole/

Quiet weekend, huh? I mean, ok, the American President opened up a fresh new front in the culture wars for no good reason beyond his uncontrollable personal racism, but that's just how things are now, right?

RIGHT?

...ugh.

Well, there's a major humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, millions of Americans are without power or clean water, but don't worry, your President is laser-focused on the issue that matters most: black athletes with the audacity to actually USE their constitutionally-protected speech rights.

Yes, Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "A Klansman Like My Father Before Me&quot is ON IT, y'all. He might not know what the Nuclear Triad is, or what the contents of any of the health care overhaul bills he's recklessly endorsed are, but he brings a fanatic's certainty to the issue of Folks Who Aren't White Gettin' Mouthy...er...Kneely, I guess.

Shart Garfunkel got so pissy over Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors declining the opportunity to shake his tiny, white nationalist, paw that he disinvited the whole team that was never gonna meet with him anyway, because maybe the rubes the New York Times interviews every three weeks will believe his version of this exchange.

And now the right wing is screeching WHY ARE THESE UPPITY PLAYERS DIGGING UP THE REMAINS OF OUR HONORED WAR DEAD AND USING THEIR SKULLS FOR URINALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, and everyone is very calmly explaining that nobody's saying anything at all about the troops and the right's all WE KNOW THAT BUT WE'RE TRYING TO DEMONIZE YOU AND IT'S JUST EASIER WHEN WE STRAIGHT FUCKING LIE.

Well, SCROTUS is now calling for a boycott of the NFL. That's a totally normal thing, right? An American President attacking an American industry? Like, literally using the bully pulpit to tell the American people to destroy an industry that employs thousands of Americans? Happens all the time. Remember when Eisenhower tried to Destroy All the Hot Dog Stands, for example?

Now everybody from the John Cornyn to Rush Limbaugh is jumping on the boycott bandwagon in a frothy rage. Can you imagine, boycotting something you enjoy, even love, just because a few people asked to you consider, "Hey, Black Lives might Matter a little bit? Before we play sports for a few hours, could you take 90 seconds to consider that maybe, just maybe, Black Lives Matter?"

I think we should capitalize on this trend, personally. Shit, if we can get a bunch of grocery clerks to take a knee, we can probably get the entire Drumpf movement to starve themselves to death out of spite.

I dunno. Maybe screaming at black athletes will distract all those "economically anxious" types from the fact that he hasn't created any of those mining or manufacturing jobs he was always promising.

Anyway, I wonder what all the lil' Shartkins will do with their Sunday afternoons now? Lawn work? Crosswords? Or will they just sit and seethe at the dormant teevee screen?

Don't worry, Cuckflakes, NASCAR has your safe space, where you don't have to worry about any scary dark-skinned folks insisting that they're human beings with rights.

John Kelly was reportedly less-than-pleased that the Toddler in Chief decided to pick another stupid, uselessly divisive fight. General Kelly's starting to get the idea that this particular babysitting job might not be worth it, even though there's half a Boston creme pie and a six pack of MGD in the fridge, and the White House has HBO.

What's this? Little Man Jared got caught doing government business using a private e-mail address? I feel like I read someplace that this is a Bad Thing. Word on the street is that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes is eating printouts of the emails, because he thinks that will destroy them.

(Once he's finished, a spokesperson says, Nunes plans on fucking two or three pigs. Hard.)

Oh my, and now Princess Ivanka got caught using personal e-mail too? AND Bannon? AND Priebus? AND Gary Cohn? AND even Shittiest of All Possible White Supremacists, Stephen Miller?

Boy, Gowdy Doody's sure got a lot of work ahead of him, what with all the investigations he'll have to launch now, because the rules are the same for Democrats and Republicans, right?

...heh. April Fool.

Neil Gorsuch went a-campaignin' for Mitch McConnell, which isn't what you'd call "ethical," but when a dude STEALS AN ENTIRE SUPREME COURT SEAT FOR YOU, I guess you owe him a favor, even if he is a repulsive, shriveled, evil, Turtle Man who wants nothing more than to steal health care from millions of children.

Well, Anthony Weiner's going to jail, and that's great, because he's a pervy old creep. Hey, thanks for that time when your grotesque urges led to Jim Comey telling the country he was reopening the investigation into Hilldawg's emails, Anthony. Hope you share a cell with some of the less savory characters from OZ.

Milopalooza out in Berkeley finally answered the age-old question, "What if we threw a riot for rage-filled white supremacist losers and nobody came?" Not much, it turns out.

Team Shartcannon rolled out the latest version of their shitty, racist, travel ban. The gimmick this time is, We Added North Korea So It's Totally Not a Muslim Ban. It's a bit like slapping a pair of reading glasses on Superman to make people believe he's a mild-mannered reporter who...

...wait.

Somehow we're not at war with North Korea yet, despite being governed by perhaps the one dude on Earth so insecure and thin-skinned as to take every bombastic NK statement as a personal insult. As long as Kim Jong-un doesn't suggest Drumpfy isn't as wealthy as he claims to be, we oughta be fine.

(On the other hand, if they hack and release his tax returns, well, I hope whatever species that evolves from the radioactive roaches won't fall for the "private email server" gag when the time comes.)

Apparently Steve Bannon tried to plant a mole inside Facebook. My sources tell me he also briefly attempted to get one of his facial boils hired at Twitter.

Speaking of Facebook, we learned how Russians bought social media ads designed to stir up racial and religious divisions ahead of the 2016 election. Weaponizing our most prominent natural resource: Shitty, Stupid, White Dudes, against us. Clever girl.

Meanwhile, the Senate GOP continued their coke-binge, no-sleep-till-mass-murder-of-the-American-poor attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a bag of coal and six rusty flathead screws.

They tried bribery. (Rand Paul called the attempted buyoffs "unseemly," insisting on the clean purity of a bill that sends plebs straight from their cancer diagnosis to the Soylent factory, because Rand Paul is gentlemen in the "we made a mistake doing away with serfdom" sense.) They tried lying. (Naw, the bill ADDS coverage! Everybody gets health care and a corgi that talks and makes sure you pay your utility bills on time and also a hand job!*) One can only assume they tried dressing up like Dickensian Ghosts and visiting John McCain while he was undergoing cancer treatment.

And then they had a bunch of protesters in wheelchairs dragged away and arrested, because I guess they were worried the Koch Brothers would perceive them as soft and throw them into the shark tank that you totally know they have on the grounds of their compound.

Anyhow, along came the CBO, and they were all "WELL, since y'all are in such a frantic hurry to reshape 1/6th of the economy, we don't have time to actually do our job, but...SPOILERS this is a fat bag fulla murder, just like all their other bills, we just can't pin down precisely how much murder at this time."

And Susan Collins weighed in with her official "Nah," joining the "Nahs" of Rand Paul and John McCain, so it looks like we've probably put the monster down...until the next sequel.

And the right wing is so frustrated now that Ron Johnson's gonna just start sneaking into hospital kitchens and mixing arsenic into the freeze-dried mashed potatoes.

Of course, Louie Gohmert has a special plan that only a man of his intelligence could craft: let's get Arizona to un-elect John McCain and his stupid fatal tumor and replace him someone who likes murderin' poors a little more!

He's playing six-dimensional Calvinball, that Louie.

Hey, d'ya remember that thing the other day, where the President of the United States belligerently tweeted about an Iranian test missile launch? Well, FUN FACT, there was not missile launch. It was literally a recording of a launch from January, and it tricked the dude who has nuclear codes.

Thank God Drumpf wasn't President when Orson Welles was around, is all I'm sayin'.

Nigel Farage and Steve Bannon spoke at a rally for Roy Moore tonight. Other speakers included Greedo, the man-eating lions from The Ghost and the Darkness, and Immortan Joe.

Oh, this one's fun...Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke accused a full third of his staff of being disloyal traitors who sprinkle treason on their corn flakes, because Zinke's a cowboy and we live in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE now.

Whelp, The Man With Phalangeal Stunting finally tweeted about Puerto Rico, if only to lower expectations. Yeah, things are getting Katrina-y down there, and the President wants everybody to know...it's not his fault. The buck stops literally anywhere but there. AMERICA FIRST...unless it's hard!

Now, maybe you read all this, and you went, "Cap, frankly, shit was not necessarily all that cray today," because Shock-Corridor-level madness is normalized now, and that's fair, BUT TO THAT I SAY...somebody paid almost seven grand for Hitler's old used underpants at an auction, and the next round is on me, so long as you're drinkin' straight bath salts, no chaser.

*The handjob does not come from the corgi, if this was not clear