TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalTHE STATE OF THE UNIOM IS THE UNIOM IS FUCKED! (ShowerCap/Ferret)
Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn't the most heartwarming thing I've heard in months, I don't know what is.
Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, "Won't you be my neighbor?" because the rest of today's news is like a sewage line exploded in a haunted house. One of those psychologically-scarring "Christian" haunted houses you read about.
Today was seriously fucked up, is what I'm saying. Put on a helmet before you read the rest of this blog. Which you can find, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-state-of-the-uniom-is-the-uniom-is-fucked/
I guess everybody's mad now that we need to pay $24 million to replace the refrigerators on Air Force One, but hey, this one honestly isn't Shartboy's fault, the plane needs to be equipped for extreme emergency contingencies, and trust me, by the end of this blog you'll have way too much other shit occupying your emotional bandwidth to care about a fucking fridge.
Ross Douthat penned a little column over the weekend, with the Stephen Kingworthy title "The Necessity of Stephen Miller." The idea is, since Miller channels the sputtering, impotent, rage of the Very Fine People, he really deserves to be at the table during immigration talks, acting like backing off his proposal to make cross-burning materials tax-deductible counts as a major concession to the left.
Ross the Reasonable Racist is one of those gloriously clueless "rational" Republicans who acts like he doesn't understand where Tangerine Idi Amin came from, and lives in denial of his personal role in shaping the American Right into the hate-belching rube army that chose a pussy-grabbing charlatan over Jeb(!) Bush.
Lemme help you out, Ross. Just because there are truly distressingly large numbers of bigoted shitbags in this country doesn't mean we should legitimize their bigotry. It's like saying, "Well, there are a whole bunch of creationists, they really should have a seat at the table when we're writing science textbooks."
I think we should make Ross live his entire life by this standard. Always konsult a Klansman for any decision, however minor!
"Should we go to our favorite steakhouse for dinner tonight, Richard Spencer?"
"No! Two of the servers are black, you race traitor, you!"
"What brand of toothpaste should I buy, Mike Cernovich?"
"Whichever one whitens the most, of course!"
ARRRRRGHH WHY AM I STILL WRITING ABOUT ROSS GODDAMN DOUTHAT?!? Today sucks.
Bernie Marcus, the Montgomery Burns Cosplayer who runs Home Depot took to Fux Nooz to sneer a bit about how Democrats are dumb and brainless for opposing the recent GOP bill that lowered Bernie Marcus' taxes so much, presumably because he wants to lose the business of the majority of Americans who hate the bill, and are also likely less than fond of being taunted by oligarchs.
Marcus then returned to his estate for a light evening of bear-baiting and increasing the vending machine prices in his employee break rooms.
Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America are in what the kids call a "Twitter Feud," because that's just how life is now.
Y'know, Mr. President, I may not be a political scientist, but your pathological need to lash out at every black media figure that criticizes you probably outweighs the free ride you hitched on Obama's economy, in terms of your approval rating with African-American voters.
Oh, and the "shithole" thing. And the "very fine people" thing. And the "Central Park Five" thing. And the "sued for racist renting practices" thing. But yeah, keep harping on the unemployment rate, that'll work.
After giddily painting Harvey Weinstein as the founder and spiritual leader of the entire Democratic Party, Republicans seemed curiously unwillingly to apply similar standards to their own supercreep predator/megadonor/ahem, actual Party Finance Chair, Steve Wynn.
Wynn quietly resigned, but the GOP would very much like to keep his money, thank you. The Republican Governors Association made a hilarious show of giving back...SOME of the money he donated. Not all. Not most. Not, it must be said, even a significant percentage of it. Just...some. I only hope Spielberg lives long enough to immortalize your heroism on film, RGA.
And the Bonespur Buttplug, in a moment that rocked the entire fucking planet, declared he is not a feminist. In related news, I am not a radish.
Nikki Haley got mad at the Grammys for being political rather than just performing for her like trained monkeys. Nobody tell her about Bob Dylan.
Ultimately, Haley's just pissy because Hillary Clinton's cameo elicited a cheer her boss couldn't get outside a Klan rally. At some point, these fucks need to come to terms with the fact that the majority of Americans despise them, and yeah, we got all the artists in the divorce. You're probably sick of Kid Rock's B-sides and Scott Baio's one man show performing all the roles in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but you should've thought of that before signing on to serve these fundamentally indecent fucksticks.
A formerly Fancy and Important Colorado Republican was sentenced for voter fraud, even though he tried whining really hard and blaming diabetes for making him steal his ex-wife's vote. Personal responsibility for thee, fabricated medical symptoms for me.
Asked in an interview about climate change, Sharty McFly proclaimed that the ice caps are no longer melting, but are "at a record level," because a witch's curse dictates that he must tell at least one lie every four hours, or he will turn back into the bullfrog-with-hemorrhoids he actually is.
Golly, there's a bottleneck at the exit door over in the House of Representatives, with an ever-expanding crowd of some of the shittiest old white dudes in America trying to get out before the Blue Wave washes them...er, flushes them away once and for all.
Add New Jersey's Rodney Frelinghuysen to the pile of retirees. Rodney's walking away from the chairmanship of the House Appropriations Committee, the kind of power most politicians only dream of, the kind of power it takes a lifetime to attain.
They fear us SO much, Resisters. And they should. November's coming, and we all know what's coming with it.
So, Mark Warner says the Senate Intelligence Committee has received new documents raising new questions and opening new avenues in their Russia investigation, which will perhaps one day lead to exciting new flavors of Skittles and Oreos. Sadly, we cannot see the contents of these documents at this time, because they are classified, and frankly, too sexxxxy for us to handle.
Oh, Senator! Why must you torment us like this? Coquettishly teasing us, like a saucy wench who "accidentally" reveals her ankle with a smile and wink? I want the full monty, Mark! We want to see you in nothing but pasties that have indictments written on them in extremely small print!
Hey, if you need a little pick-me-up in these dark, disturbing times, watch the interview Sean Spicer gave on MSNBC. Craig Melvin sets down a big fat plate of Sean's own well-documented shit right in front of him, and feeds it to him, spoonful by spoonful. That should happen to Sean Spicer every single day and twice on Sundays.
CNN's Jeffrey Toobin finally took a little responsibility for the media's false equivalence during the 2016 campaign, ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Yes, Jeff, all the bullshit "Well, Trump is hella racist and credibly accused of sexual assault by more than a dozen women and unashamedly lies about everything but the REAL STORY is how Hillary Clinton only pretends to like hot sauce to pander to black voters" was super unhelpful. THANKS FOR THE DYSTOPIA.
With a historically loathed President tied to them like a bouquet of anchors, Republicans are desperate to show the electorate they haven't let the Velveeta Vulgarian change their values. They're the same backwards puritanical monsters they've always been, and that's why they tried to push their 20-week abortion ban through Congress!
They failed as they knew they would, but they want America to be sure to remember that by gum, they're the still the party that believes women are almost-but-not-quite people!
Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe resigned, or was forced out, or just got sick of Jeff Sessions stealing his lunch out of the fridge twice a week. Donnie Dotard has been pushing for McCabe's ouster for months, I guess cuz he's worried he hasn't made enough enemies in the intelligence community.
In the wake of McCabe's departure, NBC regaled us with a charming anecdote of the time the Idiot Manchild, throwing a tantrum because James Comey flew home in an FBI plane after being fired, suggested McCabe ask his loser wife how it felt to be a loser because of that time she lost like a loser. Weird they didn't get along better.
(Y'know, one of the reasons I look forward to Drumpf's eventual removal is a fondness for the days when the hierarchy of FBI leadership didn't take up space in my brain. Worrying about breaking individual links in the chain of command on the way to a full-blown constitutional crisis isn't as much fun as tracking baseball stats, is all I'm saying.)
You'd be forgiven, by the way, for thinking I got the story about the President's tantrum wrong, because it wasn't the only story about the President throwing a tantrum to break today. There weren't a lot of stories about Barack Obama throwing tantrums, and I don't think we properly appreciated that about him.
Here's a fun tidbit! General John Kelly has taken to ending conversations with Justice Department officials with a little admonition to not do anything illegal or unethical. Yup, this is the point in American history we currently occupy; the Chief of Fucking Staff telling his team, "Absolutely no treason, you rapscallions, you!"
The Failing New York Times reports Melania was "blindsinded" upon learning her husband diddled a porn star and gave her a six figure hush money payoff because I guess she's never actually met Donald Trump because literally no one else alive was even slightly surprised.
Things're about to get a little dark, folks, so if you need a little more comic relief, why not visit this story of Fugitive Jerkwad Julian Assange trying to leak dirt on Mark Warner to a fake Sean Hannity account?
Today was the big deadline for the Shart Administration to impose new, legally-mandated, sanctions on Russia over that whole interfering-in-our-elections thing, but they decided to just...not.
That's neat, isn't it? Congress says "do this," and the VERY PRESIDENT WHO SIGNED THE BILL INTO LAW just goes..."Nah. Don't wanna."
It's EXTRA fun when the President refuses to protect THE FUCKING COUNTRY HE IS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF from the hostile actions of an adversarial foreign power. Like if Kennedy gave Khrushchev pointers on where to aim those Cuban missiles if he really wanted to fuck shit up.
Well shit, folks. I was working up tonight's post and generally enjoying myself when the wheels came off the wagon and the wagon knocked over an outhouse and the shit from the outhouse hit the fan. Fuck.
There's been a lot of news about Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his "I guess I'll try nut-punch the entire FBI" memo. Devin's master plan seems to rest on accusing Rod Rosenstein of improperly seeking an extension of FISA surveillance on Carter Page. CARTER PAGE. You could get a FISA court to approve surveillance on Carter Fucking Page based on some of the interviews that doorknob has given on television.
So tonight, Nunes' committee voted, along partisan lines, to bend to the will of the Russian Twitter bot network and release his bullshit memo. And NO, Adam Schiff, you can't release YOUR counter-memo, the whole point of a disinformation campaign is disinformation, DUH, so we can't have you prancing around with your silly ol' HONESTY!
Oh, and Devin and his lackeys have opened an investigation into the Department of Justice and the FBI. Based on...nothing, really. Because law enforcement is the President's enemy, because the President is a criminal. It's really that simple. That's why a handful of malicious idiots are trying to tear our democracy's institutions down.
I guess when confronted with a problem like "What do you when your party's utterly corrupt leader faces a day of reckoning?" the answer is, "You burn the nation's law enforcement organizations to the ground and build yourself a throne of bone in the ashes!"
And the State of the Union is tomorrow night? Jesus Fuck. I see the governing party doesn't have their shit together enough to spell-check their fucking tickets. "Uniom." For all the respect you bastards have shown it, that sounds about right.
I'm certainly not going. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn't either. I bet she's throwing a kegger. Think she'll let me in?
Ron Johnson vs the Secret Society of Voices in His Head
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian is out of the country for a bit. Less welcome at home than a wolverine with diarrhea, the President took his Desperate Need For Approval Since Daddy Never Loved Me Tour to Davos, hoping the world's financial elite would finally be impressed with him now that he's in charge of a whole country.
Instead he was booed. Poor Donnie. Even with enough nuclear missiles to annihilate all life on Earth many times over, you still get no respect, because everyone can still see what a pathetic, simpering, loser you are.
(Links version, as always, here: http://showercapblog.com/ron-johnson-vs-secret-society-voices-head/)
Anyhow, as the saying goes, while the Gigantic Sack of Shit is away, the Smaller Sacks of Shit will play. All kinds of Republican fuckwads scuttling around, making trouble this week.
It seems the tadpole who had ascended, through Team Skidmark's what-passes-for-meritocracy-among-the-handful-of-jagoffs-immoral-enough-to-actually-work-for-us promotion system, nearly to the top of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, will be resigning, now that word's gotten out that he's an under-qualified clod who lied on his résumé and isn't all that into showing up for work.
Speaking of The Best People, former event planner Lynne Patton took a little break from her job OVERSEEING A MULTI-BILLION-DOLLAR HUD DIVISION SERIOUSLY HOW THE FUCK IS THE COUNTRY NOT JUST ON FIRE ALL THE TIME WITH THESE CLOWNS RUNNING IT to rage-tweet a fat joke at a journalist.
All that stuff about an organization taking on the qualities of its leader? I'm thinkin' that theory might just have legs. Patton'll probably be Secretary of State by fall.
God bless Devin Nunes. It's both lucky and, honestly, extremely amusing, that Il Douche's most devout congressional lackey is so magnificently incompetent. And the guy imagines he's playing Nth-level chess with actual intelligence professionals. He's like if a Marmaduke cartoonist stole an unfinished John le Carré story and tried filling in the gaps after eating a bunch of paste.
Devin had himself a master plan to bring down Robert Mueller and the whole dang Russia investigation. All he had to do was write a little Memo, (and Devin got a B- in memo-writing in his summer course at the community college) in which he says "All this shit is made up and wrong and lies and bad and you're going to have to take my word for all this because I've seen the intelligence and no you're absolutely not allowed to look at it, just trust me," and then the whole world would just take him at his word, and nobody would ever check his work or make him prove anything and all Trump's problems with evaporate then the Underpants Gnomes would make him King of California.
Or something.
And yet somehow, this Moriarty-worthy plan collapsed, like a house of cards, only with pancakes instead of cards. He refused to show the Magic Memo to even his Republican colleagues in the Senate. Then he refused to show it to the FBI, leading the Department of Justice to write him a "you should really stop, you twit" letter. And then Adam Schiff tapped Devin on the shoulder to remind him, "Bro, I can write memos too, y'know."
So Nunes is left shaking his fist at sky, bellowing "I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for my own walnut-sized brain!"
Now, after all that bumbling lunacy, you could be forgiven for thinking nobody could possibly out-dumbfuck poor Devin when it comes clownish attempts to block for Trump.
And that's exactly how Ron Johnson sneaks up on ya.
It's like "nobody would be stupid enough to - " is the spell they teach you at Hogwarts to summon him.
Yes, Detective RoJo was ON THE CASE, set to blow the lid off the deep state plot to overthrow the government, like the protagonist in a paranoid 70's thriller starring Dane Cook in the Warren Beatty role.
"There's a SECRET SOCIETY," proclaimed Senator Ron! "And since I've put my shoes on the correct feet for three consecutive days now, I'm just the man to take them down!"
And of course the right wing loonosphere gleefully spread his accusations as gospel truth! Ron Johnson has an INFORMANT! Never mind that anyone with actual important information would surely seek out any of the other 99 Senators who can actually, y'know...READ, before turning their findings over to Ron Freaking Johnson, WE'RE GONNA TAKE DOWN MUELLER!!!!!!!
And then the media got ahold of the FBI agent's text on which the whole conspiracy theory was based, and...dear God, it's SO obviously a joke. More obviously a joke than the average Marmaduke cartoon, frankly.
The moral of the story is, if Ron Johnson is ever the only dude in Washington saying something, maybe you should consider the possibility that there's just a stray hornet rattling around in the pudding cup he has for a brain before assuming the dumbest man in the Senate somehow managed to get the drop on anyone.
It looks like we won't have Pat Meehan to kick around anymore, which is almost a shame, because I was really looking forward to seeing how his Creepy Old Dude Who Has No Understanding of Just How Creepy He Is defenses would play on the campaign trail. Alas, Pat will not be seeking another term in the United States Congress, opting instead to embark on a quest for a new soulmate.
He could maybe start with his wife. Just a suggestion.
Chuck Grassley claims Jared Kushner is too "spooked" to agree to an interview with the Senate Judiciary Committee, likely because Sheldon Whitehouse likes to sit in the back row doing that thing where it looks like you pull your thumb off, and Jar-Jar finds it unsettling.
The GOP tax reform bill keeps on pumping new vitality into the economy. Provided that, by "the economy," you mean "Paul Ryan's Super PAC."
The rest of us schmucks? We're out of luck. As expected, plenty of companies are buying back stock, but let's give props to the one that's openly using their newfound windfall to pay for a fresh round of layoffs.
Plenty of Republican fuckery on the state level to catch up on, doesn't that sound like fun? Fucking of course it doesn't. It's Friday night, why're reading this shit?
In Wisconsin, Scott Walker's cronies fired the heads of the Ethics and Elections Commisions, because oversight is, after all, for cucks. You sorta wonder if the surprise special election spanking they received last week has anything to do with the sudden watchdog-neutering impulse, don'tcha?
Reeling from the electoral defeat of their favorite pedophile, Alabama House Republicans voted to change the rules, doing away with special elections for Senate vacancies altogether. Don't worry, though...you can still run if you were kicked off the state bench twice for refusing to obey the law.
Congratulate long-shot Missouri Senate candidate Courtland Sykes for misreading the cultural moment worse than the dude who lost the family fortune investing in Betamax.
Gazing out upon the post-#MeToo landscape, Courtland* figured what Missouri really wants is a where's-my-dinner Neanderthal, bellowing about "banshees" and "she-devils" and "gender-bending word games." It's like he's auditioning for the role of "unhinged guy stalking a Breitbart columnist," and overacting the part.
Claire McCaskill, meanwhile, probably wondered if she was really lucky enough to have lightning strike twice. I'm sure she'll be generous when the collection plate circulates this Sunday, "Thank you Lord, for sending me another Akin!"
Another Drumpf-loving Senate candidate, this time in Pennsylvania, seems to enjoy chillaxin' with the anti-Semitic, Holocaust-denying crowd. I swear, by 2020, you're going to see GOP primary debates where candidates attack one another for insufficiently praising the Charlottesville marchers.
So, Donnie Two-Scoops called up the Guggenheim, to ask if he could borrow a painting for a non-specific, probably-less-than-four-years period of time, to hang in his bedroom. The Guggenheim responded, "Hell no, you'll just get mayonnaise stains all over it," but they helpfully offered up an alternative work of art; a gold-plated toilet.
God, I love this story. Shart Garfunkel likes to imagine the world lives in awe and fear of his glorious might, but here you have an art gallery responding to a request by going, "Nah, brah, YOU CAN HAVE THIS SHIT RECEPTACLE INSTEAD."
...I'm sure renegotiating NAFTA is going swimmingly.
The latest emoluments lawsuit got rolling, and things look good so far. And that means...um...well...fuck, y'all. I got nuthin'. Emoluments aren't funny. If you've got a good emoluments joke, I think you get to challenge me for my mask now.
We learned Dutch intelligence infiltrated the Russian hackers who fucked with our election (NOT SO FANCY NOW, ARE YA, BEAR?) and passed their findings on to our own IC. So yeah, expect Fox and Friends to call for a bombing campaign against the Netherlands any day now.
Anyway, the Failing New York Times told us the Man With Phalangeal Stunting actually tried to fire Bob Mueller last summer, but Don McGahn heroically stood up to him and threatened to quit rather than carry out the order, in a story that was totally not leaked by Don McGahn.
Sean Hannity did not take this news well. First he yelled a bit about how it wasn't true and then he yelled about how okay, it was true but it didn't matter because OH LOOK A CAR CHASE. Then he...painted himself green.
Hannity is not going to survive this journey, folks. Because he's of that particularly insecure breed of American male who believes saying "Sorry, I was wrong" is some sort of unforgivable weakness, when he reaches the point where even he can't defend his precious God Emperor anymore, he'll just...combust, mid-rant, live on television. You heard it here first.
Getting back to the thing where the President of the United States has engaged in a year-long pattern of obstructing the fuck out of justice, Foreign Policy dropped another bomb, this time about Littlefinger organizing a smear campaign against high-level FBI officials, including Andrew McCabe, who just so happen to be potential witnesses in the above-mentioned obstructing the fuck out of justice case.
The good people of Kansas are finally free of Sam Brownback, so presumably there are Munchkins singing all over the place right now because making a Wizard of Oz joke when you talk about Kansas is low-hanging fruit and I'm tired.
Brownback was finally confirmed (after Mikey Hairshirt had to shuffle over to break a tie, because Sam's old Senate colleagues remember what a dick he is) to his new post as some sort of free-roving international religious scold. Whatever. Maybe now the Sunflower State can actually keep the lights on at their public schools. Congrats on failing upward, jackass.
Brownback will be succeeded as Kansas Governor by Marmaduke, because of the Rule of Three.
The Shart House leaked their immigration plan, offering a path to citizenship for the DREAMers in exchange for concessions out of Richard Spencer's wettest dream. Stephen Miller couldn't get this deal if he found a fucking genie, and STILL the immigration hardliners are shrieking about "amnesty."
Casino Mogul/RNC finance chair/Personal Trump Friend/No Seriously, He's the Guy Who Hosted he Party Drumpf Had to Skip During the Shutdown Steve Wynn was the target of the latest "rich creep who has been sexually abusing women for decades" story, and all the conservatives who happily tarred the entire left over Harvey Weinstein raced to hold their own side to the same standard.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH, don't be silly, they're all waiting to see if they can get away with staying silent until the President punches Nancy Pelosi at the State of the Union or something and the news cycle moves on.
I don't know how much longer I can maintain even the appearance of sanity, friends. The never-ending, bludgeoning, barrage of - wait, what? They're bringing back the XFL?
Heh. Heheheheheh.
...yeah, I think that's juuuuuuuust about my breaking point, folks. See you in Arkham.
*Dude's name is COURTLAND. Downton-Abbey-named motherfucker shouldn't be talking about when he wants his dinner ready, is all I'm saying.
Hey Donnie, Maybe Bob Mueller is YOUR Soulmate!
Hey, let's start with some good news for a change! Tammy Duckworth is pregnant with her second child and will be the first United States Senator in history to give birth while in office! Congratulations, Senator Duckworth!
Cling to that warm fuzzy feeling, because pretty much everything else this week is shitty.
(You probably don't need me to tell you that the links version is available at: http://showercapblog.com/hey-donnie-maybe-bob-mueller-soulmate/)
Well, the government's back open, at the cost of Susan Collins' glass elephant, which was destroyed when Lamar Alexander threw the "talking stick" at Mark Warner.
Yeah, that sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me, either, but it's something that apparently actually happened. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say future generations are gonna think we made all this shit up. There'll be an entire Trivial Pursuit edition dedicated to the Drumpf era, and twenty years from now you'll be straining to remember if it was a glass pig or a porcelain hippo that shattered in Collins' office during the shutdown.
Truly, we are living in history.
Meanwhile Ted Cruz tried pontificating on his long-and-deeply-held anti-shutdown views, prompting an "Oh hell no," from MSNBC's Kasie Hunt. Cruz went on to vociferously deny ever kissing the begolfpantsed ass of anyone who had insulted both his wife and his father, adding that he is really truly genuinely in no way the Zodiac Killer.
The best post-shutdown news is that Chuck Schumer took his cheeseburger-drunk offer to fund Shart Garfunkel's Big Stupid Wall off the table. I guess somebody reminded him which party he's a member of.
Vice President Pence confidently proclaimed the entire Stormy Daniels story to be "baseless," despite the detailed InTouch interview and Cohen-orchestrated $130,000 payout, invoking his biblical right to Not Ever Listen to Women About Anything Ever.
To rub a little salt in that particular wound, Mikey Hairshirt refused to stand up for the equality of female journalists at a photo opp at Jerusalem's West Wall. Mother will be so pleased.
A barely-noted story reports that Drumpf likes to mock Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi with what I'm sure is a super-respectful Indian accent. And because we're so tragically used to/overwhelmed by the never-ending shitstorm, we all just went, "of course he did," knowing the next atrocity would surely surface in an hour or so.
What's this, now? KKKris KKKobach's Kooky Kulling Kommission asked the state of Texas to not only turn over all their voter data, but to flag "Hispanic surnames?" I'm sure the Kansas Secretary of State/Professional Racist Legal Shield had only the noblest of intentions. He always does.
And Megyn Kelly, desperate for a ratings turnaround, picked a fight with Jane Fonda. I don't see that strategy working out, but just in case Megyn's accidentally stumbled onto the path to notoriety, I'd like to take this opportunity to start some shit with James Caan. HEY JIMBO! ROLLERBALL SUXXXX!
Plenty of rumbling that all the "President Kelly" hashtags are getting under the Idiot Manchild's artificially-tanned skin. See, for reasons that escape comprehension, he doesn't want anyone else to get credit for his historically-loathed clusterfuck of an administration. Anyway, Princess Ivanka, previously famous for stealing shoe designs, is supposedly heading up the search for the General's replacement. That'll go well.
Hey, I lied, there IS a little more good news. The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania looked upon the GOP's if-Dalí-made-jigsaw-puzzles congressional gerrymander and said unto the world..."Well THIS fuckery ain't gonna fly." The midterms look a little sweeter every day, don't they?
Little Donnie Two-Scoops finally got to start his little trade war, imposing tariffs on solar panels and washing machines. The solar industry quite reasonably complained about all the jobs this move will cost, but everybody knows that unless you're a regular at a small-town diner somewhere in Appalachia, you're not a Real American and your job doesn't count.
Axios says FBI Director Chris Wray threatened to resign because he's tired of Dopey Hate Goblin Jeff Sessions always hanging around the office, telling him to pick up the pace with the purging of the FBI already, cuz we'd really like to replace Andrew McCabe with this Recently Removed Confederate Monument, thanks.
Speaking of McCabe, it seems that right after firing Comey, the Poo Mistake summoned him to the Oval Office to just casually ask "Hey, who'dja vote for, Andy? I'm just curious in a what's-your-favorite-color kinda way, nothing menacing, also, IF, hypothetically, a President felt like obstructing just a wee bit of justice, you wouldn't be the kind of fellow who'd make a stink about that, right?"
The Presidency, with its prestige and its reach, can be inspirational. Barack Obama inspired a generation of young people to engage in politics. Donald Trump? He's reaching a different demographic.
Brandon Griesemer, apparently a young Hitler fanboy, was so inspired by the Grifter Grand Wizard's nonstop assault on the free press, he made a bunch of threatening phone calls to CNN. Run of the mill, "You are fake news so now I will murder you all" stuff, with a few ethnic and religious slurs mixed in for flavor.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I always figured the President was supposed to fight terrorists, not galvanize them.
Lara Trump thinks the hundreds of thousands of women who marched last Saturday are dummies who didn't really understand what they were marching about, because they are such ungrateful and stupid peasants, and her dad is pretty much the best feminists ever because Kellyanne Conway.
After giving her thoughts on the intelligence of the women in the Resistance, Lara returned home to her husband, Eric Trump, who sources inform me encountered a major setback this week in his ongoing struggle with potty training.
The day that Jeff Sessions has been dreading finally arrived, and he sat down for his first interview with The Bobadook. He tried that coy "I'm not expressly invoking executive privilege but I'm not answering your question anyway" thing for a bit, until Mueller grabbed him by the scrotum, growling "Do I look like Al Franken to you? Do you imagine I'm sort of comedian?"
I'm kinda on the fence, Resisters...I don't know if I'd rather Ol' Beauregard, sick of the months of public berating, rolled over on his boss like a frightened possum, or if he fell into one of those "perjury traps" we're hearing so much about these days, and his indictment's in the mail, next to that Ghosts of Mississippi DVD he ordered from Netflix.
Mueller also interviewed James Comey, and now he wants to talk to the Marmalade Shartcannon himself. Me, I think Bob should start with a question about inauguration crowd size, just to get that lying to the FBI charge out of the way right up front.
It would also be nice to get SHARTUS on the record regarding the pressing issue of How the Fuck Can You Do Something So Monstrous to a Perfectly Good Steak?
The Supreme Court unanimously spanked the Fascist Fuckhead Brigade on the Clean Water Act, even Donnie's new best pal Neil, who is definitely not getting a Valentine now.
Uncle Joe Biden stopped by to remind everyone that yes, Mitch McConnell has so little love for his country that he refused to stand alongside Democrats and issue bipartisan condemnation of Russian interference during the 2016 election.
Again, perhaps I am just Werther's-Original-level old fashioned, but I prefer Senators who side with, y'know...their own country. But then again, perhaps I am merely a cuck.
I swear to God, there must be some sort of "How much naked corruption can you get away with" pool going in Shartboy's Cabinet. Mick Mulvaney, in his second job as head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, decided to shut down an investigation into a payday lender that, ZANY COINCIDENCE, donated thousands to his congressional campaigns. I dunno about you, but I feel protected.
Obviously, Pennsylvania CongressPerv Pat Meehan should not be in Congress, because he sexually harassed a staffer and paid her harassment claim off in taxpayer funds. But Meehan should also not be in Congress because boy howdy, if his damage control efforts today are indicative of his problem-solving skills...let's just say i bet we can do better.
To say the interview he gave defending himself was creepy is offensive to merely creepy people. He rambles about soulmates and too-long hugs and generally auditions to be portrayed someday by Billy Bob Thornton.
And God bless his little heart, the fucker even manages to blame the whole damn thing on Obamacare.
Anyhow, now that the tax cuts have passed, the Republican Party seems to have transformed into a sprawling organization with just two purposes: white supremacy, and dismantling the FBI on behalf of their corrupt capo.
All these clowns, up to and including (sigh) the President, are pushing the hell out of the idea that a couple of FBI agents' text messages somehow prove a conspiracy so vast and sinister that Oliver Stone is prolly working on the screenplay right now.
Meanwhile we got a look at one of the dastardly conspirators' texts saying he was reluctant to join the investigation because he didn't think it was likely to turn anything up. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY JUST AN ELABORATE FAKE-OUT, YOU CUCKS, THAT'S SPYING 101, DUH!
You've even got Rush Limbaugh belching up some Grade A nonsense about the "deep state" lying about WMDs in Iraq in order embarrass George W. Bush, to give the anti-Republican FBI conspiracy a little backstory
Rush. Bro. I'm not part of the deep state* and even I can tell you that if the goal was to embarrass W., the only plan you needed was "put him in front of a microphone and tell him he's allowed to talk."
And now Ron Johnson, a man who needs detailed instructions posted on his bedroom wall to avoid putting on his pants inside out, says he has an "informant" assuring him there's an anti-Trump "Secret Society" inside the FBI. Good enough for Fux Nooz. Apparently.
Meanwhile, you've got Adam Schiff and Dianne Feinstein asking the imminently reasonable question, "Say, why is all this nonsense about Devin Nunes' horseshit memo being pushed so hard by Russian bots on social media, and would anybody like to, I dunno, maybe DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?"
Weird, isn't it? Living in a time when you have to ask the party in power to protect the United States from foreign attacks? Life really IS like a box of chocolates.
Anyway, that's all I can fit in tonight, folks. I have to get my mask & bathrobe dry-cleaned before I leave for Davos...wouldn't wanna look ratty as I hobnob with the world elite.
*OR AM I?
Shutdown! Things'll Be Great When You're Shutdown! (ShowerCap/Ferret)
Gotta admit, I'm kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government!
(You know the drill...links version available at: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-thingsll-great-youre-shutdown/)
Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling through an unnecessary, self-inflicted, crisis, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that Mick Mulvaney is enjoying himself! See, Mick found that he's the lucky boy who actually gets to shut down the government, and that's "kind of cool!"
"There's a big green button you get to push and all these gears grind to a halt as confetti falls from the ceiling and dancing girls come out of, like, NOWHERE, and you get a special cupcake and a paper hat and a gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese's, and IT'S ALL FOR MULVANEY!"
But Boss Shart has a sad, cuz he has to stay in dumb ol' Washington for the whole weekend, without golfing ONCE, plus he had a big rich jagoff party down in Marm-a-Lago that he didn't get to go to, which is especially disappointing since there was a $100,000 rim job line awaiting his arrival.
Poor Shart-Shart. For what it's worth, I'm told the caviar presentation was an abomination.
Patrick Meehan became the latest Republican CongressPerv to rocket to national celebrity. Seems Meehan, who darkly/hilariously served on the House Ethics Committee, creeped on a younger staffer, and when she rejected him, chased her out of politics (and eventually the country), settling her harassment claim with a fat stack of taxpayer cash.
He seems nice. Maybe he can have a pajama party with Blake Farenthold. Or, you know, he could always try keeping his dick in his pants and go home to his WIFE.
As we evaluate Government Cheese Goebbel's first-year accomplishments, let's not neglect the "Trump Slump" bludgeoning our tourist industry. We're slipping to third on the most-visited list, behind Spain, because America is just so dang great nowadays.
Although you have to admit, Spain has seen great success with their "We Promise You Won't Be Murdered By a White Supremacist Terrorist Here Unlike Certain Countries We Could Name But Won't" campaign.
We learned some fun stuff about how Jared Kushner, who is perhaps the only person alive who doesn't understand how incompetent Jared Kushner is, gets manipulated by the Chinese, who can't believe such a under-informed, desperate-to-be-rescued-from-personal-financial-trouble, rube fell right into their laps.
And just about everything else is about Shutdownmania, running wild.
Chuck Schumer says working with the Shart of the Deal is "like negotiating with Jell-O," because he is jiggly and disappointing and by the time you're at the table you wish you'd ordered anything else.
Now, because Littlefinger and his toady, Mike Pence, insist on cynically wielding our men and women in uniform as political props, Senator Tammy Duckworth took to the floor of Senate to crush their balls into a fine powder. Holy shit. Not that I was planning on it, but remind me to never pick a fight with Senator Duckworth.
Anyway, the WHO WILL THINK OF THE TROOPS crocodile tears evaporate in a hurry when you see the video of Mitch McConnell slamming the door on a vote to pay the military during the shutdown.
Hey, if these pigs are willing to hold millions of children's health insurance hostage, what're a few soldiers' paychecks, more or less?
And Dorito Mussolini's contribution? A single photograph, of himself, purportedly hard at work...at an empty desk. These days, I guess speaking truth to power means, "Maybe we could use a notepad here, Mr. President?"
Well, AND a super-helpful campaign ad that says undocumented immigrants are waiting outside your house to murder you while Nancy Pelosi picks the lock on your front door.
But don't worry, Eric Trump, he of the infallible political instincts and eerily vacant stare, thinks the shutdown will be "good" for his shitty family, cuz hey, nobody'll ask them to pay back the billions worth of damage their tantrum inflicts on the American economy, right?
Lindsey Graham is frustrated that potential deals keep getting scuttled by Virgin Klan Runt Stephen Miller. Sources tell me Graham is working on an elaborate "honey trap" style plan to distract Miller during key negotiations, and that he's dispatched Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown on a mission to procure a sexy manikin, extend its forehead to unnatural lengths, and pose it suggestively outside Stephen's condo.
And somehow, Republicans look at their historically loathed President, their unpopular position on DACA, oh, and that little thing where Hundreds of Thousands of Americans Took to the Streets to Protest Their Bullshit, and concluded "Everyone is totally on our side!"
...there are lot of reasons to vote the GOP out this November, but "inability to process information competently" really ought to be near the top of the list.
But let's get back to those marches for a second, shall we? The Resistance might not get a whole day on the NYT opinion page, but we sure the fuck do SHOW UP, don't we? Even after an absolutely exhausting year, Women's March turnout matched or even exceeded the 2017 marches.
600,000 in Los Angeles. 300,000 in Chicago. Another 200,000 in New York. Coast to coast, large communities and small. Voters, one and all.
Meanwhile, the biggest pro-Trump march last year was in Charlottesville.
'Course, the real bad news for Team Shart? One office staying open during the shutdown? Bob Mueller's.
Didja see where the Koch brothers rewarded their Pet House Speaker, Paul Ryan, for trimming billions off their tax bill? Yeah, they gave him a little walking-around money. $500,000 worth. "You done good, kid," said Charley Koch, ruffling Ryan's hair affectionately, "Getcherself some ice cream."
And Missouri governor Eric Greitens says he ain't resignin', and just cuz he tied up his naked mistress and photographed her doesn't mean he was blackmailing her! He keeps that photo on his desk, right next to th'wife n' kids!
And now I see Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes refuses to show the FBI his famous memo. You know, the one that purports to be an objective summary of his findings regarding the FBI's various investigations? Despite his lengthy track record as an obsequious Trump stooge? Yeah, the FBI isn't allowed to see it. That's how you KNOW it's legit.
In related news, Nunes is using the shutdown to draft a bill legalizing porcine conjugal visits for federal inmates, I WONDER WHY.
Further trouble in Shartopia, as the Candycorn Skidmark has reportedly become all grumbly and surly with a pair of his cabinet secretaries. Seems Cowboy Ryan Zinke's gift of an exemption from the new offshore drilling rules to Rick Scott came as an unwelcome surprise, and now the Interior secretary has to sleep outside on the White House lawn with Jeff Sessions.
And Wilbur Ross is in the shithouse* too, probably because all of the naps he takes during meetings. Still, that'll a be a useful defense when Mueller comes knocking. "Sorry, I was asleep for the treason."
Anyway, Diamond and Silk will be in the cabinet soon.
That's all for the moment, folks. I'm furloughing myself.
*shithole?
Shower Cap's Shithole Shutdown Shpectacular! (And Shark Show!) (Also, Ferret)
Hey folks...just hanging around, waiting for the government to shut down, with a snifter full of laudanum and a box of Target wine, thought I'd see if you wanted to give the week's madness a once-over.
Let's start with a little good gnus. (And yes, the post makes more sense on my site, with links. Check it out here: http://showercapblog.com/shower-caps-shutdown-shpectacular/)
Team Blue flipped a ruby red state senate seat in Wisconsin, continuing our relentless march to reclaim our country from the army of raging nitwits currently Fucking Up All the Shit. Scott Walker belched up a panicked tweetstorm about what a WAKE UP CALL this is for the GOP, cuz it's lookin' like he'll get recalled for real this time.
Scott. You fucks had ten thousand wake up calls on the path to letting this cheap fascist crook take over your party. Everyone's awake now. There's nothing left for you at this late date but consequences.
The FBI is investigating how maybe just maybe a Big Fancy Kremlin Banker Dude filtered a bunch of money to the NRA to spend on electing a certain Bloated Orange Clod last November. Which would be 31 flavors of illegal.
Folks. If Mueller and company wind up taint-punting the terrorist death merchants at the National Rifle Association, I can't imagine how I would ever remove the sloppy, ear-to-ear grin from my face.
...unless of course, the Failing New York Times turns over their entire editorial page to the slobbering hateyokels of Sharty McFly's "base" again. When does the Resistance get the Op-Ed page, NYT?
We keep learning more about Fat Q*Bert's extra-marital excursion with porn star Stormy Daniels. Fun little details, like which magazine he likes to be spanked with, and a laughable anecdote regarding how he wouldn't give money to shark-based charities because he doesn't like sharks, which is hilarious since we know he doesn't give money to ANY charities, because he is cheap and immoral.
And of course, the expected-but-still-dry-heave-inducing bit about how she reminded him of his daughter.
(This space left blank to give reader time to vomit and brush their teeth.)
Also, Trump paid Daniels $130,000 in hush money, which means the President of the United States is demonstrably blackmailable! I bet no foreign intelligence agencies at ALL knew about that until they read about it in the Wall Street Journal, don't you? I mean, since Michael Cohen was SO careful in setting up a shell company in Delaware to facilitate the BLACKMAIL PAYOUT and all.
Retreating Senator Jeff "Frenchy" Flake, a few days after alerting the national media to the Very Brave Speech he intended to give, took to the floor of the Senate to deliver his Very Brave Speech, which the media reported as Very Brave, Indeed. He said something about Stalin, I'm told.
Excuse me, as I wipe a tear from my eye, contemplating Senator Flake's bravery. How noble, to Say Some Critical Things about the man you vote with 90% of the time. You should change your name to Gilgamesh, You Epic Hero, You.
So, HHS decided that health care workers should have the right to deny care to patients based on their religious beliefs. Or, more accurately, based on any beliefs or biases or prejudices at all, so long as you're willing to go, "Yeah, I hate this person because God does, sure, whatever."
Anyway, be sure to screen all the doctors and nurses when selecting your post-accident emergency room. You'd hate to find yourself in a situation where you're on the operating table, and the surgeon finds your tummy full of some food she thinks God doesn't want you to eat, cuz now she can just yell "Religious Freedom!" drop the calipers in your chest cavity, and let you bleed out.
Having successfully identified a drawing of a lion, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting declared himself Master of Basic Cognition Tests, and therefore no wonder all those Bushes and Clintons and Obamas left the North Korea problem for him to solve, for he is truly The Passer of Tests, and statues shall surely be erected of him Looking at a Drawing of a Lion and saying "Lo, That is a Lion!"
In related news, having pulled up my underpants ALL BY MYSELF for several years running now, I am submitting my candidacy for U.N. Secretary General.
The Bonespur Buttplug finally released, after several delays, his Fake News Awards, and, like all Trump promises, the results were lackluster. (Just ask Stormy Daniels ayyyyyoooooooooo!) Yeah, the website crashed so quickly, you'd think it was the ACA's, and when it was finally up and running, it landed with a barely-audible thump, to a resounding "whatever."
Anyhow, it's a comfort to know this was what the President was working on, instead of keeping the government open.
Much of the shutdown debate hinges on immigration policy. Conservatives want Americans to believe that immigrants are basically a massive gang of criminals, looking to infiltrate our society, and I have to admit we received at least an anecdotal data point supporting their position.
I'm referring of course to America's Favorite Flabby Fascist, Sebastian Gorka, who apparently has an outstanding warrant on a gun charge in Hungary where he was a member of a borderline-Nazi organization. They're not sending us their best, Mr. President, but you don't have to give them FUCKING WHITE HOUSE JOBS.
John Kelly said something about how his boss is a Giant Fucking Moron regarding his big stupid wall, and there were a bunch of articles about how the Idiot Manbaby got mad at him, and then we were treated to a stampede of thinkpieces about whether Kelly is a villainous enabler or the only adult in the room, and look, people, we're just going to have to wait for the tell-all books, when we'll learn just how close we came to worldwide atomic holocaust, and who precisely tackled him on the way to The Button.
...unless of course nobody tackles him.
Foreign Policy says Il Douche personally ordered Steve Bannon to sit in oily silence rather than answer the House Intelligence Committee's questions, because I guess he still thinks "obstruction of justice" is a game show or something.
Meanwhile, Trumpal lawyer Ty Cobb says his client is so "eager" to talk to Robert Mueller that he's set aside his favorite too-long tie in anticipation of the meeting! Cobb did express concern about a potential interview being a "perjury trap," which is sharp thinking, since your boy just lied about his fucking height the other day.
Congress introduced a bill that would prohibit taxpayer funds from being used to settle sexual harassment claims against members of Congress. In other news, using taxpayer money to settle sexual harassment claims against members of Congress is totally legal right now. NEAT.
So we're a year into the Age of Shart, let's check in on the status of America's Greatness. There's plenty of polling, let's see what it says!
53% of Americans see Shartboy's first year as a "failure," though I'd like to see the numbers run again with "pathetic failure/massive loser/probably needs to look up how to tie his shoes on the internet every morning" option.
And around half the country "strongly disapproves" of the President's performance, which is pollspeak for "Holy fuck, we'd rather get shingles than have you as our President, you enormous sack of shit."
Oh, but Obama's more popular than ever!
On the other hand, one front that's seen a historic upswing is White Supremacist Violence! Yes, 2017 doubled 2016's number of murders committed by the Very Fine People! And while we refuse entry to refugees and enact racist travel bans, these increasingly-violent racist thugs have one of their very own setting immigration policy in the White House!
But the historic achievements don't stop there! Congratulations, President Fuckup, only YOU could've driven America's standing in the community of nations directly to the bottom of a campground outhouse in just one short year! International approval of American leadership plunged an outlandish 18 points over the last 365, landing us BEHIND CHINA. MAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
And hey, Shartboy's Inaugural committee refuses to tell anybody what it did with the leftover millions from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration. What're they hiding, you may ask? My most reliable sources* say PISS HOOKERS AND OVER-COOKED STEAKS.
Have you ever noticed that the first time you hear a rank-and-file Republican CongressGoon's name, it's inevitably because he's making an ass of himself? (And yeah, it's usually a dude, let's be honest.) Like, remember the first time you learned Scott Dejarlais' name? Or Blake Farenthold's?
See, I didn't even know there WAS a Scott Perry in the House, serving the Pennsylvania 4th, until he popped up to jabber some weapons-grade InfoWars conspiracy theory nonsense about how the Las Vegas shooting was the work of ISIS, and there was "terrorist infiltration through the southern border" despite the shooter being...y'know...an old white dude from right here in the U.S. of A.
Anyway, congrats, Scotty, you're famous. For being a lunatic. Who writes our laws. A totally unhinged nutcase who gets to make the laws the rest of us have to follow. Heaven help us.
Oh shit! Jerk-of-all-trades Jared Kushner got his bony ass sold out to Mueller by the money launderers at Deutsche Bank! WE'LL NEVER GET PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST NOW!
Now, in the wake of ShitholeGate, Republicans insist that all accusations of racism are unfair and unfounded, take Carl Higbie for example. Carl was a Drumpf appointee, Chief of External Affairs at CNCS, at least until his rather substantial history of saying horrible things about women, Muslims, and other minorities surfaced. Now he's just one more unemployed racist jagoff, like a common Charlottesville marcher.
I wonder who will replace him? Someone, that's for sure.
As further proof of the Complete and Total Absence of Racism in the Conservative Movement, Tucker Carlson invited a Not Even Slightly Racist Dude named Mark Steyn to say Seriously How Could You Possibly Interpret This As Racist stuff like "The white supremacists are American citizens. The illegal immigrants are people who shouldn’t be here." and that having a large number of Hispanic children in Arizona, "means, in effect, the border has moved north. And the cultural transformation outweighs any economic benefits..."
Bro. The culture of hate you're fighting to protect is a shit culture. It's a garbage loser culture for garbage losers, and you're goddamn right we're going to transform it. Because it sucks.
Anyway, I think the issue of the GOP's racism is surely settled, once and for all, by AG Sessions' sensitive, nuanced rumination on the literacy, and basic human value of potential immigrants. Careful, Beau...if we take the "merit-based" idea to its natural conclusion, you're gonna spend your golden years as a shift manager in a strip mall shoe store.
Jesus Christ. This is depressing. I need a palate cleanser. Something about, like, a kitten and a deer who're best friends, or...
Oh, this'll do. Loathed Former Bigshot Chris Christie, not a week removed from being Governor of New Jersey, tried to use the VIP entrance at the airport, and was told "Nnnnnnah, maybe you can find a shortcut through a public beach you shut down, otherwise you can wait in line with the rest of the schmucks. You schmuck."
That Omarosa person, formerly the White House...um...did anybody ever figure out what her job was? Anyhow, she's apparently living in mortal terror of The Bobadook (That's Mueller, if you're new), and folks think she may have secretly recorded conversations with other high-level staff.
Somebody's taking the whole Team of Rivals thing a smidge too far, methinks.
So, Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes, in his unofficial capacity as the clumsiest would-be fixer in political history, wrote a little memo. Devin, being the groveling lickspittle that he is, made his memo say "The FBI is so very unkind to Donald Trump, and I have super secret evidence that says they made up everything about Russia and that Robert Mueller is lying about everything in his whole investigation, prolly because he wants to get with Melania, and everything bad anyone has ever said about Drumpfy-Poo is fake, and no you can't see the evidence but you can totally trust me it's real."
It is a silly, sloppy memo, because Devin was in hurry to get back to this pig he was fucking, and even though he had wrapped his wang in raw bacon while drafting said memo, there's no substitute for the real thing, y'know?
Anyway, the frothier loons in the House GOP Conference want The Pigfucker Memo released to the public. Not the information that the memo is based on, of course, that would prove Nunes is just making shit up to protect Putin's Pet Prez.
Of course, the House's version of the Fusion GPS testimony was released this week, further blowing the Treason Caucus' bullshit talking point to shreds. Credible accusations of money laundering for the Russia mafia? Somehow Nunes imagines his magic memo will make them all disappear...probably because he spends his time fucking pigs rather than, y'know...thinking.
Oh well. At least the Russian bots are on his side.
And, speaking of Russia bots, (SEAMLESS TRANSITION, CAP! Thank you, Cap!) Twitter says "Whoopsie! There were 50,000 Russian bot/troll accounts spreading misinformation during the election, and it looks like 677,775 American users liked and/or shared their horseshit, sowwy about our complicity in a foreign assault on our democracy!"
...swell.
As the shutdown fight heated up this afternoon, Temporarily Reasonable Senator Lindsey Graham referred to his Never In Any Way Reasonable Colleague Tom Cotton as the "Steve King of the Senate," which is the sort of insult that tends to launch Hatfield/McCoy style clan feuds. Seriously, if any of y'all ever called me the Steve King of ANYTHING, I would fart on you.
And I'm not exactly an amateur farter.
Team Shart seeks a 95% cut in the Office of National Drug Control Policy's budget, which oughtta be fine, it's not like we're in the middle of a MASSIVE GODDAMN OPIOID EPIDEMIC OH WAIT WE TOTALLY ARE YOU COLD-HEARTED FUCKHEADS.
...I guess I'm just sick of the federal government working so hard to facilitate the speedy ending of so many American lives. It's...different.
FUCK, Y'ALL. I cannot keep up with this shit. Nancy Pelosi is a guest judge on Drag Race All Stars and Senator Menendez is getting retried and I think Stephen Miller's forehead is pregnant.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand while I was writing the CR failed, so I guess the government is shutting down. Fantastic. I don't care. I'm gonna track down Harry Reid and drink until the fucking sun comes up.
*Sources? I don't have fucking sources. I wear a superhero mask and a bathrobe. Do you think I'm a fucking JOURNALIST?
On Shitholes, Subpoenas, and Starbursts
With the three-day weekend, surely the madness slowed down, if only a bit, right?
No? Fuck. Fine. Sprinkle some bath salts on your Tide Pods, and let's wade through the muck. (And the links version, as usual, is available here: http://showercapblog.com/shitholes-subpoenas-starbursts/)
I have to admit I'm impressed with the legs on ShitholeGate*. We've grown accustomed to moving from atrocity to atrocity with great rapidity, but here we are, five whole days later, discussing the finer points of difference between a Shithole and a Shithouse.
Tom Cotton and David Perdue are two of my favorite characters in this farce...It's fascinating in a way, looking at the handful of dumbfucks who somehow take in all of the (ample) data available, and decide, "Yes, I would like to climb aboard this sinking ship. Which is also on fire. And covered in angry bees."
Should somebody tell Perdue that Shartboy's approval numbers in George are 37-59? Or that the Democratic Party finally figured out how to turn out African-American and suburban female voters in droves, in the recent electoral ass-whoopings administered in Virginia and Alabama? And that he has to run for re-election in the very same year the American people will be fired up to erase the stain of Trumpism from our country once and for all?
Y'know what? Don't tell him. It's better if it's a surprise.
Lindsey Graham took advantage of the evolving rules governing Use of Profanity by a Public Figure to proclaim the state of the immigration debate to be a "Shitshow," (okay, he said "S" show, but that's just because he's a CUCK.) and claimed surprise that his golfin' buddy turned into a raging, maniacal bigot.
Graham went on to blame Shart Garfunkel's "staff" coughcoughStephenMiller for leading him astray, as though we're not talking about the dude who refused to rent to black people and fueled his entire campaign on pandering to the racial grievances of the shittiest white people walking God's Green Earth. (The Washington Post's reporting on the infamous ShitholeOrMaybeHouse Meeting supports Senator Graham's theory, for the record.)
Grimacing Lie Dispenser Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confronted with her boss' racism, puked up some drivel about "If he's so racist, how was he on the magic television box for so long? CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!"
...Sarah's not going to be asked to coach her children's high school debate team when the time comes, is all I'm saying.
Anyway, I think the Marmalade Shartcannon settled the racism question once and for all on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which your average, run-of-the-mill President marks by engaging in relatively unglamorous acts of public service, by going golfing, even though he had gone golfing on each of the two previous days.
Vice President Pence, because he has nary a functioning brain cell in his entire head, figured this was the perfect moment in time to attend a Martin Luther King Junior Day service in a black Baptist church. And wouldn'tcha know, the WEIRDEST FUCKING THING happened, the pastor took the completely unpredictable "The racist garbage the President shat from his mouth was bad and we don't like it" position in his sermon.
We're told Mikey Hairshirt turned beet red in rage, having been somehow blindsided by The Single Most Obvious Thing Ever to Occur in Human History. Shit. Talk about staff failures. "Why don't you go to African-American church this weekend, Mr. Vice President? I'm fairly certain you will greeted primarily with hugs."
WaPo told the tale of one of Washington's most powerful Republicans, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, currying favor with the man who loves having his ass kissed the way Paula Deen loves butter (and inappropriate costuming choices!), by having his staff pick out just the red and pink Starbursts (at taxpayer expense, I'd add), because those are the ones Boss Shart likes best.
Y'know, the GOP's humiliating obsequiousness is surely one of the reasons the country is turning on them. We want leaders, not sniveling sycophants. And I tell you what, McCarthy's so far up Trump's ass he's probably recycling those pink Starbursts.
By the way, the President won't eat the orange chunks of unnaturally processed food goo because that would be cannibalism.
So, there's a story out there about how the intelligence community warned Jared Kushner that his bestest chum, Wendi, who is Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife and also maybe diddled Putin, might be a Chinese spy manipulating him into allowing the building of a giant spy tower in the National Arboretum.
I'd make a joke or something, but can I top that? No.
And the kitchens down at Marm-a-Lago keep getting hit with health code violations. Nice to know that the same dude who runs a joint that stores milk at unsafe temperatures gets to order drone strikes, isn't it?
The Shart Administration announced it's withholding $65 million in aid for Palestinian refugees, because they're trying extra hard to prove they're not bigots, I guess.
Oozing Literal-and-Figurative Leper Steve Bannon had quite a day today! First, he was subpoenaed by the Mueller investigation. Then he sat down for closed-door testimony before the House Intelligence Committee (I hope someone cracked a window, concentrated cheap gin fumes can be toxic), where he refused to answer questions, and got slapped with a couple MORE subpoenas.
This actually plays into Bannon's master plan, as he now has two whole days with someone to talk to on an otherwise barren calendar.
Anyway, congratulate Orange Julius Caesar! The first year of his reign saw the first increase in the number of uninsured Americans in the history of the Gallup-Sharecare poll! 3.2 million more citizens without health insurance! All that extra illness and fear of medical bankruptcy? Surely that was the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness!
Hey, didja see this study? The one where 42% of Republicans think that a story counts as "fake news" if it makes them or their God Emperor look bad, even if they acknowledge it as accurate?
That's fucking amazing, folks. Sometimes you look at the brainwashing the Fox/talk radio/Breitbart bubble accomplishes, and you just have to resentfully slow-clap. You've created a millions-strong army of rubes, utterly deranged by your relentless disinformation campaign. Shit, if they'll vote for the people who openly promise to take away their health care just to give rich people more money, when the day comes, they'll not only merrily demand you open the Soylent Green factories, they'll march in with sloppy grins plastered across their faces.
I feel like I should pep y'all up a bit, after that. Ok, here you go...we've got the entire Democratic Senate Caucus plus Occasional Human Being Susan Collins on board with a net neutrality bill! Hey, if your SenateMonster is of the elephantine persuasion, give 'em a call, let 'em know how you feel!
Kentucky Governor "Murderous" Matt Bevin is taking his revolutionary new "Government By Blackmail" scheme out for a test drive. Bevin says if the courts hold up his plan to impose work requirements on Medicaid recipients, he'll end his state's popular and effective Medicaid expansion, kicking as many as 400,000 of his constituents off the rolls.
Isn't that nifty? I won't claim I know jack shit about Kentucky law, but the Governor's saying that IF his proposal runs afoul of it, and the courts insist on doing something nutty like, y'know, ENFORCING THE FUCKING LAW, he'll just...ruin a bunch of people's lives, even kill a few. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I think our elected officials should come down on the side of "the people who pay my salary deserve to be alive."
And congratulate yourself, because you had a better day than DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen! She got yelled at a whole bunch, and that's fine, she totally deserves it, because she's pretending she never heard Smallhands Magoo say Shithole or Shithouse or Shithorse or ShitHowieMandel, because she just doesn't pay attention in meetings, I guess.
She got yelled by Dick Durbin for lying for her shitty racist boss. She got yelled at by Kamala Harris for pretending we don't have white supremacist terrorists all up in our shit, killing folks. She got yelled at, and later roundly mocked, for not knowing Norway is as full of white people as a Faith Hill concert. Shit got so cray in that hearing, Orrin Hatch had to TAKE OFF GLASSES HE WASN'T EVEN FUCKING WEARING.
And she got righteously dragged by Cory Booker, who is certainly not auditioning a potential 2020 Presidential candidacy persona, no siree.
It seems the propaganda-spinning spiders over at Fux Nooz had the Stormy Daniels story during the campaign, but decided to kill it, because of how fair and balanced they are. While it might've imposed on their relentless e-mail server coverage, I bet they could've squeezed it in if they wanted to. Just interrupt Tucker Carlson screaming "BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIDonaldTrumpcheatedonhiswifewithapornstarIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!"
And most of the National Park System Advisory board resigned in protest because Cowboy Ryan Zinke refused to hold their legally mandated meetings, or even meet with them at all, even as he jacked up a bunch of entrance fees, cuz the treasures of our nation's natural beauty are for makers not takers, you filthy poor people, you!
The doctor who evaluated Fat Q*Bert last week gave a longer press conference than the President himself has in a year or so, saying a bunch of Totally True Things like that Drumpf is two inches taller than Obama, and weighs only 239 pounds. Anyway, we're talking about a deeply respected medical professional, who has most likely had his hand up that hideous, cavernous, ass, so I'm willing to cut him some slack.
Anyway, President Crotchvoid remains historically unpopular, and thus the midterm Blue Wave is closer than it's ever been. Let's get behind our incumbents and our candidates, Resisters. Donate. Phone bank. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Tell your friends to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
I'm positively itchy to take my country back.
*NICE GAMS, SHITHOLEGATE!
See the Contortionist GOP Defend Their Racist Ringmaster! It's a CIRCUS OF NEWS! (Ferret)
Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered 'round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter.
Let's round up the madness, shall we? (As always, links version available at: http://showercapblog.com/see-contortionist-gop-defend-racist-ringmaster-watch-clowns-hilariously-fail-work-phones-circus-news/)
In a world where the news cycle turns over at lightspeed, it seems significant that we're still dealing with the fallout of ShitholeGate.
Donnie Dotard seemed stunned at the negative feedback, having initially boasted to all his wealthy pals about how well his casual, reflexive hatred would play with "the base," who would surely throw parades, and build butter sculptures of him pointing at various countries on a globe, shouting "Shithole!" from little butter speech balloons.
He's like your jackass uncle who shouts slurs at the waitress and gets you kicked out of the restaurant, only the restaurant is the entire global community. And now the entire African Union demands (and deserves) an apology.
So now we're at the point where Congressmen are boycotting the State of the Union, because yes, our President, like Richard Spencer or David Duke, is the sort of white supremacist shitpile that decent human beings simply refuse to share a room with.
Shit, you even made Anderson Cooper cry, you cheap, bloated, bigot.
Now, the GOP, having more or less thrown in the towel on the whole "morality" thing, circled the wagons around the Grand Wizard Grifter. One popular take was that this is just how Real Muricans talk all the time, and that it's just a handful of coastal elitist cucks who actually believe that crap about being "created equal."
Folks. Literal Nazis are celebrating these remarks. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I always figured "real" Americans would want to be on the side without the Nazis. And yet here we are, with an endless stream of prominent conservatives, many serving in our government, minimizing, ignoring, excusing, or even supporting the garbage that has the Daily Stormer crowd tap dancing in their jackboots.
Then there those who said the problem wasn't Drumpf's racism, but the fact that Dick Durbin violated Bro Code by letting America know about it. Rand Paul even went on the Sunday Shoz to whinge about how "unfair" the whole thing is to Government Cheese Goebbels, how it's tough to get immigration legislation done with everybody calling the President racist JUST BECAUSE he's really really really racist.
And despite multiple contradicting eyewitness accounts, Senators Tom Cotton and David Perdue went from "Shithole? Gosh, I don't remember anyone saying shithole!" to "Dick Durbin is a filthy liar and how dare he besmirch the honor of our President, who is pure as a fawn and would surely never say anything so crass!" in twenty-four short hours.
Yeah, it's really tough to believe the Shart's in any way racist. Certainly not when we get stories about him dismissing a career hostage expert as a "pretty Korean lady" who should therefore be negotiating with Kim Jong-un, or the one where he expected the entire Congressional Black Caucus to be best buds with Ben Carson and thought all welfare recipients are black.
Meanwhile, Virgin Hate Zombie Stephen Miller seems have veto power over the bipartisan deal a bunch of Senators worked out last week, yet somehow Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot believes he can get America to blame Democrats for any collapse in DACA talks, because holy hell he is a great big fucking idiot.
(Shit, his racism is so overt and incessant, it's contributing to the non-stop scrotum-stomping he's receiving in the courts. And now the administration has complied with the court order to continue accepting DACA renewals. Tired of winning yet?)
And we can officially add "England" to the list of things our alleged Tuff Guy President is terrified of, along with the White House Correspondents' Dinner, the Kennedy Center, Nobel Laureates, and Interviews with Real Journalists.
Yes, the Hairplug That Ate Decency cancelled his trip to Great Britain, because he is not man enough to face protesters, even super-polite English ones. He made up a magnificently lame and dishonest excuse, trying to blame Obama for something W did, but we know the real reason, Donnie...you're just a wimp.
What's this? Sultan Spraytan paid out a six-figure hush money settlement to a porn star? Remember when we lived in a country where that would've destroyed a politician's career? Fun times.
I dunno, though. 130 grand to have sex with that grotesque, swollen, tick? Seems light to me. Half a million, plus a blindfold, minimum.
Republicans just looooooooove spreading unsubstantiated conspiracy theories about the Clinton Foundation, so I bet they're gonna be super-consistent and get real mad at Eric Trump now, right? Cuz America's Least Favorite Child of the Corn has been taking money from donors and passing it along to family business, all while lying and saying the Drumpf Organization was donating their resources for free!
Oh well, I shouldn't throw stones. Who among us hasn't stolen 150 grand from charity? You sort of wonder if Eric's charity money isn't the very same cash that would up in Stormy Daniels pocket, don't you?
And we learned about Chris Matthews prepping for an interview with Hillary Clinton during the 2016 primaries by making himself a little date rape joke, how fun!
Living through these insane goddamn days, aren'tcha glad that so much of the narrative about the first female presidential candidate got set by creepy old dudes like Matthews and Matt Lauer? Thanks, guys! Without you, maybe we wouldn't know the joys of hearing our Commander-in-Chief talk about how great white supremacists are in the wake of a white supremacist terror attack!
Russian group Fancy Bear is back, and regrettably, they are government-affiliated hackers and not an electropop act touring with Cut Copy. First, they hacked the DNC, and now they're after the U.S. Senate, wheeeee!
It would neat if our federal government would do something radical like, y'know, defend the nation from cyberattacks, but we all Boss Shart doesn't wanna piss off his Kremlin supervisors.
John Feeley was the ambassador to Panama and a long-serving diplomat, but he decided enough was enough, he could no longer work for the Neanderthal Fascist polluting the Oval Office, because, presumably, he has one of those "moral compass" thingies that seem to be in such short supply in Washington these days.
Team Assclown entered the week desperate to prove they're not the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury, even though months of reporting from multiple outlets confirms they're precisely the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury.
Well, damn if their competence wasn't on full display during a major conference call on Iran, when the people in charge of the most powerful war machine in human history demonstrated that they don't know how to work THEIR OWN FUCKING PHONE SYSTEM. I for one feel super secure and safe.
For further adventures in restoring Americans' confidence in their Clown Car on Fire Government, your leaders released what purported to be a declaration of our porcine Prez's flawless health...and misspelled the fucking doctor's name.
Misspelled the doctor's name. Jesus fuck. You sort of imagine Shartboy sending notes down to General Kelly's desk, that read, "Donald cannot come to work today, he is very sick. Sincerely, Donald's Mom."
On this week's episode of The Best People, anti-choice extremist Teresa Manning, who for reasons beyond comprehension had been a high-ranking HHS official, got booted from the building by security after what we're assured was an enthusiastically voluntary resignation.
Don't worry, though! Manning has been replaced by Valerie Huber, a genius-level intellect who imagines you can talk teenagers out of fucking each other. Give this people enough time, and they will surely eliminate the scourge of common sense from our government.
And then, just as you were settling into contemplate a news cycle so thoroughly insane that we'd collectively forgotten the story about the Governor of Missouri taping a naked woman to exercise equipment so he could photograph her nude in order to blackmail her, the whole Hawaii thing happened.
C'mon. Admit it. You're a little surprised we lasted almost a year before the first Nuclear annihilation scare.
So yeah, there was a wee little pinch of human error, and a text message went out saying "Ballistic missile on the way, folks! Did you ever write that novel you were always talkin' about? No? Well, TOO BAD!"
And of course there was panic and terror and despair in the aftermath, and it took 40 minutes to send out a corrective follow-up message, but people were understandably quite shaken. But fear not, your President leaned into his Consoler-in-Chief role by swiftly taking to the airwaves and...just kidding, he golfed all day long. Blue state? He doesn't give a fuck about you.
Wouldja believe we're STILL not done hearing about Roy Moore? It seems the Pedophile For Senate Brigade are still screaming like toddlers that their favorite pervert was unjustly robbed of his destiny, and now they want to put Alabama's other Republican Senator, Richard Shelby, in time out for his controversial "Child Molesters Are Bad" position. This is, I'm told, the real world.
Trey Gowdy, the Inspector Clouseau of the endless/mindless Benghazi investigation, resigned from the House Ethics Committee, likely because somebody finally explained to him what "ethics" are. "Shit, y'all," chuckled Gowdy Doody, "I don't know how ANY Republicans can sit in on those meetings with a straight face," before returning to the taxing work of ignoring the President's Emoluments Clause violations.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet declared war on one of his friendliest media outlets, the Wall Street Journal, over whether he said "I" or "I'd" in a lengthy interview where he otherwise comes off like a blithering maniac. Both the Shart House and Journal released audio of the interview as proof of their position. Now, I've listened to the damn tape, and I have to conclude, as in all things with Trump...there is simply no D there, or at the very best, it is too small to be discernible.
I see Retreating Senator Jeff Flake is taking a little vacation from Voting For Every Single Thing Trump Wants to give a speech calling him a "Stalinist" on the floor of the Senate tomorrow. I guess we're suppose to say that's all brave and special and shit, but you have to wonder why Flake voted to confirm every single one of the Stalinist's shitty, under-qualified judges and cabinet members.
Oh, and I see General Kelly's moving to hide Sharty McFly's schedule, now that it's leaked out he blocks out most of the day for "Executive Time" marathon teevee and twitter sessions. Cowards.
Anyway, that's all for tonight folks. I'm gonna go have a brew or two with some totally real, made-in-America, all-American, Americans, and I'll bet we get through the whole evening without any hate speech at all.
Shithead President Opens Shithole Mouth, Shits From It. And Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Even by our current Cuckoo's Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one's gonna take a while, so let's dive right in...(As usual, the post is available, with links, Here: http://showercapblog.com/shithead-president-opens-shithole-mouth-shits-news/)
So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership with their willing media lackeys, have been desperately pushing this narrative where the whole Russia investigation was instigated by the Steele Dossier, which was in turn nothing but a maliciously fictional partisan Mad Lib, concocted by Steele over wine coolers with Huma Abedin, probably while giving Vince Foster's skull a leisurely eye-socket fuck.
Now, this spin has never been anything but desperate comically-fabricated horse poo, but when your base falls for shit like pizzagate, Benghazi, and, well, Donald Fucking Trump, the evidentiary standard is...not high.
Still, Senator Diane Feinstein realized she was sitting on concrete proof that said horse poo was indeed horse poo and not delicious, delicious cake, and so she released the Fusion GPS transcript to the entire world.
And there was, as the poet said, much rejoicing.
The transcripts are full of fun shit like "A whistleblower from Drumpfland went to the FBI and so the Dossier confirmed info they already had," and "Steele stopped talking to the FBI because he thought they were too pro-Trump," but of course the biggest takeaway is that Chuck Grassley and the rest of the GOP are using all of their considerable powers to shield the Grifter-in-Chief from any consequences for his many crimes, and they've been lying to the American people to discredit anyone working to hold him accountable.
...one of the great things about being a Democrat in 2018 is how secure we get to be in knowing we're the good guys. Like, I'm for...free speech, an independent judiciary, and y'know, the rule of law. The other team...isn't. I am really quite confident in the whiteness of my hat.
Boy howdy, there ain't enough left of Steve Bannon to spread on a piece of Melba toast.
Fresh off Stephen Miller tap-dancing all over his scrotum on CNN, Bannon showed up to work at Breitbart, only to find Mamma Mercer changed all the locks. Then he got fired from SiriusXM, too. Most hurtfully, the man who only recently graced the cover of Time Magazine as the power behind the throne even lost his gig as spokesthing for the International Society of Creepy Dudes With Open Facial Sores.
The harder they fall, indeed. Can Bannon sink lower? Maybe tomorrow a hobo will show up at his front door to repossess his liver?
Speaking of the Dregs of Humanity, Disgraced-n'-Pardoned American Concentration Camp Operator Joe Arpaio announced a bid for the open Senate seat in Arizona, because there are some Very Fine People in the Grand Canyon State.
With Roy Moore and now Arpaio, I admit to a sort of morbid curiosity regarding just how low the GOP can go with their candidate recruiting. Richard Spencer? Charley Manson's ghost? Random Jagoff Who Anonymously Spray-Paints Swastikas on Garage Doors in the Middle of the Night?
The Daily Beast tells us that some enterprising young traitor on Il Douche's national security team proposed withdrawing a bunch of American troops from Eastern Europe as kind of a "We're new in town, just trying to be neighborly" gift for Putin. I dunno, rather than capitulating to the historic rival that attacked our democracy...maybe just bring a casserole?
A couple of federal judges struck down the ridiculous congressional district map gerrymandered by the utterly-terrified-to-face-their-voters-in-a-fair-fight North Carolina Republican Party.
It's good we're stopping this when we are; the next step the NC GOP was likely to try would have involved amorphous, perpetually-shifting gerrymanders that tracked African-American voters via GPS and re-shaped minute by minute. Districts that follow Democrats into the goddamn grocery store and back.
Oh, and the chairman of the NC GOP seems to think it only counts as gerrymandering...if the district's outline looks like...hang on, it's embarrassing to actually type this...if it looks like a monster. Like, it's not a gerrymander if it doesn't make a scary dinosaur noise. You probably think I'm making that up. Nope.
Ryan Zinke gave his buddy Rick Scott a note that says "Ricky does not have to allow offshore drilling in the coastal waters off his state, because he's a rich Republican we want to run for the Senate, and the new rules are only for dumb ol' blue states anyway." Pretty much every other governor is seeking a similar waiver, so we'll see what standards Cowboy Z pulls out of his ass.
Stinging from the publication of a book that depicts him as a blundering, know-nothing man-baby, Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops decided to televise an immigration meeting to show off his fourth-grade speaking level. As is his habit, he agreed with anything anyone else said, at one point endorsing the Democrats' preferred solution.
Still, the usual suspects in the media praised him for getting through an hour-long meeting without pelting any legislators with wads of fresh shit, such are the microscopic standards for Presidential competence nowadays.
My personal favorite manifestation of Littlefinger's crippling insecurity is the way he'll invent fake declarations of extravagant praise. "People said it was the best speech they've ever heard. Abraham Lincoln rose from the grave, and said my speech was so good that he would shove the original Gettysburg Address up his ass in shame, because it sucked so hard next to my speech."
Does he imagine anyone believes him when he says shit like "Oh yeah, a bunch of news anchors sent me letters saying I ran the greatest meeting in human history. Beautiful, handwritten letters, on scented stationary, and also gift baskets full of summer sausages and exotic spreadable cheeses. Wolf Blitzer actually gave me the Valentine's chocolates he bought for his wife, and a slinky negligee that he said I would look much better in."
Darrell Issa tragically robbed his district of the pleasure of booting his sorry plutocrat ass to the curb this November, joining the You Can't Fire Me, I Quit club like so many of his Republican colleagues. But rumors suggest Darrell may simply be seeking a safer district to run from, which is kind of magnificently pathetic.
As one of the wealthiest jags in Congress, Issa plans to spend his newly-won tax windfall constructing a replica of his old House Oversight Committee room on his front lawn, from which he shall while away his golden years, interrogating the neighborhood children for lacking the proper permits for their lemonade stands.
Ben Cardin, having raised his hand patiently for months from the back row of the Senate, finally stood up to remind everyone how that Putin boy from across the Atlantic gave American democracy a big ol' wedgie, and how President Shartcannon hasn't even picked it out of the country's ass yet, let alone taken any measures to prevent the inevitable future wedgie attempts.
Oh, and in his most populist act to date, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting announced he'll be attending the Davos Globalist Cuck Shuffleboard Tournament and Swap Meet in a couple weeks. He's even letting Steve Mnuchin and Wilbur Ross tag along, for extra populism, I guess. Henry F. Potter wasn't available?
In a joint press conference with the Prime Minister of Norway, the Dwarf-Dicked Dotard boasted about all the F-52 fighter planes he'd delivered to our fjord-rich allies. Now, that the F-52 exists only in Call of Duty video games is, I assure you, an insignificant detail. The President went on to vow to rid our allies in the Mushroom Kingdom of Goombas and Koopa Troopas, ranting at length about "Bitchy Bowser."
Oh, and the President of the United States of America wants to take another look at that whole "free speech" thing. It's gettin' out of control, you see. Did you know people are even allowed to criticize the President?
And while nothing will come of his petulant blathering about "libel laws," let's just appreciate for a moment how casually this swollen nitwit proposes limiting one of our great constitutional freedoms, just because one dude wrote some shit he didn't like.
Oh, and when a federal judge ordered the Shart Administration to continue processing DACA renewal applications, Velveeta Himmler fell back on his old habit of assaulting the American court system, which he calls "broken and unfair" because it didn't give him what he wanted.
See, this is why we're about to administer a historic electoral drubbing to the Republican Party. Is it really so much to ask you fucks to stand up for our rights? For the checks and balances that guarantee our freedom? For our Constitution?
I guess it is, because I didn't hear a single Republican CongressThing push back on any of these assaults. Oh well. November's coming, motherfuckers. Tick tock.
Team Shart granted Deutsche Bank a waiver from punishment over their past criminal acts, and all DB had to do was loan the President tens of millions of dollars when nobody else would touch him after his long, documented, history of fiscal failures! Maybe the Trump Administration isn't working out for workin' folks, but for bankers at the highest levels of high finance, things're goin' just fine, thank you very much!
The Stock Market absorbed a taint punt as word leaked that the Canadians believe Trump will pull the United States out of NAFTA, because, as the past year has demonstrated, the Shart of the Deal isn't capable of actually making deals of any kind.
Robert Mueller added Ryan K. Dickey, an experienced cyber-crimes prosecutor, to his crack team of mutant ninja lawyers, which already includes experts in fraud, corruption, money-laundering, demolitions, safecracking, and that one guy who's really good with knives, I think his name was James Coburn or something.
Anyhow, Donnie Two-Scoops can't even imagine why mean ol' Bob Mueller would want to talk to him, what with the whole Russia thing being being a hoax and all. Maybe Bob just wants golf tips. CNN says the President's allies are screaming "FUCK NO, DON'T TALK TO MUELLER! Are you INSANE? You can't order McDonald's without committing perjury, you dumb fuck!"
Golly, Pete Hoekstra got his ass good n' righteously spanked by the Dutch media, didn't he? We need to get some of those Dutch reporters over here, Sarah Huckabee Sanders'd just lock herself in her office.
USAToday reports that Tangerine Idi Amin sold millions of dollars worth of real estate during his first year in office, mostly to buyers using secretive limited liability companies, which masks their names from the public. So yeah, folks bribing the President of the United States for lord knows what reason, and we aren't even allowed to find out who. That's NEAT, isn't it?
Carrier laid off a couple hundred more workers because their jobs have been shipped to Mexico, but DON'T WORRY, as per the agreement worked out by Trump and Pence, they'll still be receiving their $700,000 corporate welfare check from the government! Truly, now that we're giving taxpayer money to corporations that outsource manufacturing jobs, AMERICA IS FINALLY GREAT AGAIN.
Oh, and the Shart Administration decided states should be allowed to impose work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so when your boss takes his tax cut and then moves your job someplace where they pay wages in saltines anyway, that means you don't deserve to be alive, you filthy taker! And if you get sick or hurt while looking for a job? Sorry, Cuck! Health care is for closers!
Some conflict on the House Intelligence Committee, as Ranking Democrat Adam Schiff wants to call "dozens more" witnesses while Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes would rather stick his fingers in his ears and go "LALALALALALA" until the whole Russia thing blows over.
Kellyanne Conway got all fake mad that the dirty librul news media thinks her boss keeps talking about Hillary Clinton, because he doesn't talk about Hillary Clinton, and then he started tweeting about Hillary Clinton. Kellyanne is even shitty at gaslighting.
Further demonstrating his policy chops, Fat Q*Bert rage-tweeted a total reversal of his administration's FISA renewal policy, because of something he saw on the television machine. Everybody scrambled to remind him what he "really" thinks, of course, but what happens when the shitbags on Fux n' Frenz take a bunch of mushrooms and do a segment on how the President should murder all the firstborn children in the land?
Rising GOP Star/Missouri governor Eric Greitens burst onto the national stage in spectacular fashion late Wednesday night! Did he announce a bold new policy to benefit his constituents? Break through partisan gridlock, revealing himself to be the leader America needs? Figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Nah, he just got caught in an extramarital affair. Oh, and accused of taping his mistress to some pull-up rings so he could photograph her naked in order to blackmail her into silence. Oh, and he also maybe hit her.
Anyway, congrats, Eric! I didn't even know Missouri HAD a governor when I woke up yesterday! Now you're FAMOUS!
WaPo dropped a humiliating little profile of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, who is apparently racisting as hard as his little elfin legs will let him, and even unethically opening investigations into his boss' political opponents, but he just can't get no respect! Poor Jefferson! Eat a bag of dicks, you'll feel better!
Oh, an Putin congratulated Kim Jong-un for being "shrewd and mature" and totally owning the US in the game of nuclear brinksmanship we're all trapped in. Of course, Smallhands Magoo, who rarely lets criticism pass with "counter-punching," simply absorbed this kick in the pants from Uncle Vlad, perhaps even offering a "thank you sir, may I have another," because you just can't yell at your boss, right?
Meanwhile, Fire and Fury is a bestseller, probably because Shartboy and his team can't stop promoting it. Seriously, folks. This dipshit, who doesn't understand that drawing attention to this book only means more people will read it, thinks he can renegotiate trade agreements and treaties.
You know, some people would say our President is racist. Well, would a racist fuck up an immigration meeting by calling Haiti and the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AFRICA "shithole countries?"
...oh yeah, that's exactly what a racist would do. Anyhow, the Candycorn Skidmark suggested we take more immigrants from places like Norway instead. Now, help me out, how are Norwegians different from Africans or Haitians? HMMMMMM...are they taller? I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON WHERE THE DIFFERENCE LIES, KIDS! IT'S A GODDAMN MYSTERY TO ME.
Anyhow, a bipartisan group of Senators had worked out a compromise on immigration that would've protected DREAMers, before they ran into the Shithole Conundrum. Before that, they were already worried White Supremacist Dork Stephen Miller would fuck everything up. I guess there's a bigger obstacle.
ShitholeGate took over the news this evening, eclipsing the even-more-worrisome tidbit from an interview with the Wall Street Journal where Boss Shart casually mentioned that the private texts of a couple of FBI agents criticizing him were basically treason.
Got that? Insufficient fealty is TREASONOUS now. Jesus fuck.
Holy hell, that was one heapin' helpin' of bat shit, wasn't it? I can't leave y'all like this. Let me give you some GOOD news. How about the latest generic congressional polling? Democrats at PLUS SEVENTEEN? Mmmmmmmm...that's SEXY.
Ok. Be good everybody, Cap's gonna go grab a much-needed beer now.
Will the "Stable Genius" Appreciate the "Privilege" of Mueller Time?
Hey everybody! How're you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn't it? It's like living in a Jimmy Buffet song!
(As always, click here for the full post with links: http://showercapblog.com/1744-2/)
I assume everyone woke up on Saturday morning the same way I did; with a push notification on your phone from every single news organization on Earth about the "stable genius" tweet?
Everybody, right? BBC. CNN. NYT. WaPo. Probably Cigar Aficionado and Catster (Formerly Cat Fancy!) You rolled over, picked up your phone, and it was like you'd wandered over to Jack Nicholson's typewriter, and you found a stack of pages that said ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A STABLE GENIUS over and over again.
It doesn't seem that newsworthy, right? I mean, he's an insecure old man who's always rattling on about how great he is, that's kind of his thing, I thought we were used to him by now?
But yeah..."very stable genius," it's...ok, you're right, it sounds like something you'd find 2/3 of the way through a Harvey Dent monologue with Robin dangling from a rope above a vat that's half acid/half chocolate milk.
Anyway. Government Cheese Goebbels has asked the American people to fork over 18 billion dollars for the Big Stupid Wall we don't want, and which we were assured Mexico would pay for.
It's almost kinda cute that he's asking. Like, Bro...either get it from the rich jags whose taxes you just cut, or set up a Hatreon. We don't want the fuckin' thing.
With the MeToo movement sweeping the nation, ending the careers of right-thinking Republican CongressPervs for relatively harmless acts like asking members of their staff to fuck them for money, you might be wondering how a skeeze like Scott DesJarlais hangs on. Scott, you'll recall, is the former medical doctor who likes to tell American women how sinful abortion is, unless it's for the mistress/patient you're fucking behind your wife's back, which is some sort of moral/ethical triple axel.
Anyway, Scott says don't worry, God's forgiven him for everything, including that Milky Way he shoplifted in middle school, so there's absolutely nothing more to talk about. I bet Louis CK wishes he had one of those GOD SAID I GET OUT OF JAIL FREE, PROMISE! cards, right?
On the Good Gnus front, Ruth Bader Ginsburg hired a bunch of new clerks, to show everybody she's not going anywhere any time soon. To drive the point home, she bench-pressed Clarence Thomas half a dozen times before launching him through Mitch McConnell's office door, yelling, "Don't get your hopes up, Nerd," before striding back to her office, dragging a SCOTUS beat reporter from each leg, JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN.
Steve Bannon oozed from his current residence (the central dumping facility of Washington's largest portable toilet corporation) just long enough to issue a groveling statement not entirely unlike an apology. "I never meant your son was a traitor, Master!" wheezed the fallen, pus-encrusted, would-be Svengali, "Let Smeagol come home!"
Bannon's Ritual Excommunication/Crotch-Stomping even saw the Uncanny Valley's Resident Klansman, Stephen Miller dispatched to add to the pile-on on CNN. Some think such a prominent network shouldn't give a white supremacist dork like Miller a platform. Me, I get a huge kick out of it.
I mean, how does any organization arrive at the point where they decide "Clearly, the best option before us is to dispense this Twitchy Grievance Golem to defend our point of view on television. Surely America will look into those lifeless, almost-but-not-quite-human eyes, and see...a comforting friend. I'm sure once our time in the White House is done, Stephen's next calling will be as a beloved sitcom dad."
Anyway, he shit on his old buddy Bannon for a bit, and then commenced to dodging Jake Tapper's questions, preferring instead to discuss his boss's various magnificences, how his back hair cures rickets and so on, but Diet Rambo wasn't havin' that shit, and said "that's enough ass-kissing, creep, you're cut off," and it was hilarious.
And then Miller refused to leave, demanding that CNN give him air time and a chorus of back-up dancers as he sang a touching ballad called Donald Trump Never Makes White People Pick Up Their Own Trash until he was dragged away by security.
We got a look at the Marmalade Shartcannon's schedule, and to the surprise of very few, he has seemingly managed to avoid actually working almost entirely. Vast swaths of the day are blocked out as "executive time," where he gets to lock himself in the bedroom, watching teevee, gorging on cheeseburgers and Bugles, dismembering the paper dolls he names after insufficiently subservient media figures.
And somehow Fuckhead STILL can't get his precious little Fake Gnus Awards in on time! It's like he's a kid, he's on summer vacation, and he still wants Mom to build the pillow fort for him.
More free time than your average house cat, and the Stable Genius still can't stop himself from tweeting out garbage about his "enormously consensual Presidency."
Lord. You saw that, and you went, "Of COURSE he doesn't know what the fucking word means. Four syllables? It's like asking a hamster to perform open-heart surgery."
...our standards for the occupant of the Oval Office have slipped a bit since Obama, is all I'm saying.
Jared Kushner is under fire for revelations that he's benefiting from financial ties to Israeli businesses, even as he heads up Drumpf Administration Mid-East Peace efforts. Critics say these financial conflicts of interest could hinder his ability to handle the delicate negotiations.
Shower Cap says Jar-Jar's crippling lack of intelligence is probably the larger obstacle. Seriously, folks...if this kid hadn't been born rich, he would've suffocated to death trying to take his winter coat off some time in second grade. This is not a bright lad.
So, Oprah gave a wonderful, inspiring, speech on the Golden Globes last night, and now I guess we have to talk about her maybe running for President? Folks. No.
I'd like to think we can do better with the most prosperous nation in human history than passing it back and forth between whatever television hosts happen to develop delusions of grandeur. But just in case I'm wrong, maybe somebody should volunteer to help Carson Daly bone up on monetary policy.
Today in Senseless White Nationalist Cruelty, the Shart Administration announced that nearly 200,000 refugees from El Salvador, who have been living and working, peacefully and productively, in this country for over a decade now will be kicked out so the Very Fine People have more space to drive their cars into crowds and whatnot.
And if this decision wrecks a few families, damages a few communities, and removes thousands of productive, taxpaying, workers from the economy, well, at least it...it...nope. No discernible benefits whatsoever. Hurting thousands and thousands of human beings just to throw a little candy at the Richard Spencer crowd.
(Speaking of Spencer, looks like another one of his shitty little hateweasels got outed and fired. Good.)
So now, Natalia Veselnitskaya, of the famous Don Junior Treason Meeting, is telling people "Oh, I suppose I maybe sorta accidentally ran into Ivanka on the way out of Trump Tower, but we just talked about nail polish and Justin Bieber, promise!" Anyway, it's fallen under Mueller's watchful eye, so enjoy your investigation, Princess!
And we learned that Rugged Robert is also closing in on an interview with the Rectal Boil himself, and his lawyers are sweating buckets at the prospect. Trying to negotiate favorable terms for such an obviously guilty client can't be easy; word is they're asking for a written questionnaire rather than a face-to-face interrogation, and also would you be willing to accept the answers in finger paint and also by finger paint we mean McDonald's ketchup?
Jay Sekulow is also pushing hard for a 20-minute statute of limitations on any perjury charges.
For Mueller's part, his team has asked only for the mandatory breath-minting of the President at regular intervals throughout the interview.
K.T. McFarland's nomination for Ambassador to Singapore was re-submitted, I guess because somebody in the White House really wants a televised hearing where she answers questions about lying under oath about Mike Flynn and Russia. Hey, if these clowns wanna run face first into a concert wall, I won't stand in their way.
Ed Royce joined the stampede of GOP CongressJags racing for the exits like somebody shouted "Fire!" in a crowded cotillion. And the House just got that much easier to take back. This shit is so sexy I half expect Playboy to replace their traditional centerfolds with these creeps' resignation announcements. I'd keep THAT under my mattress.
Meanwhile, Rick Perry's ingenious plan to force the American taxpayer to give a bunch of money to coal plants as a consolation prize for getting smacked down in the open market hit a wall that even his Smart Guy Glasses couldn't knock down.
That was seriously the plan, by the way. Drumpf promised to bring coal back, but he can't, so the idea was just to Find a Big Box Full of Taxpayer Money, and Just Fucking Hand it to Some Coal Plants in Exchange For Nothing.
James Damore is apparently suing Google for firing him, I guess cuz in doing so they discriminated against Douchey White Boys Who Circulate Memos Claiming Their Female Colleagues Are Genetically Inferior. Yes, it's the great civil rights issue of our time. I'm sure Spielberg's bidding for the film rights.
Damore should hook up with that girl who tried suing that college for not taking her just because she was An Oppressed White Girl But Also Her Grades Were Shit, remember that? They can have whiny, mediocre, children together, and file nuisance lawsuits as a family. They'll be the Shitty Waltons. (This fall on Fox!)
Oh hey, I've got some SHOCKING BREAKING NEWS for you: it turns out that there's this Republican in Kansas...and he's RACIST! I KNOW, RIGHT? Hope you were close to a fainting couch.
And a Shart House spokesman announced the President's upcoming physical exam will not include a psychiatric evaluation because, "We may be dumb, but we ain't stupid, y'know?"
Oh, and Dorito Mussolini gave a little speech speech to the American Farm Bureau Federation today. He got...unusually swept up in the self-praise, eventually remarking on how "lucky" the farmers of America were that he bestowed the "privilege" of voting for him upon them.
Yeah, that's...a normal, healthy thing for a human being to say. Absolutely nooooooooo weird, out-of-control God complex here. Just a boy. Standing in front of some farmers. Telling them what a PRIVILEGE he has bestowed upon them. On the same day, his spokesjags tried to guilt the nation into appreciating the awesome sacrifices Javanka make, giving up the fruits of their fabulous wealth to serve all us ungrateful peons.
We must SHOW APPRECIATION the Royal Family, you see. The sacrifice of the odd goat here and there should suffice. They are so noble, after all, for deigning to serve us. Even if they maybe don't actually know the words to that national anthem they're always going on about.
Yup. Just another day in Margaritaville. Speaking only for myself, I look forward with great anticipation towards the PRIVILEGE of voting this November (in the GODDAMN MIDTERMS) for a fresh, new, Democrat-run House of Representatives, to finally conduct some much-needed oversight of this family of cheap crooks.
Carthage Day for Steve Bannon, and Other Madness (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, Shower Cap got hit with the flu, so I've spent most of the time since our last update giving offerings to the Porcelain God. Anyway, it's only been a couple of days, I couldn't have missed much, right?
...never mind.
Ok, folks. Strap on your hazmat suit, we've got some sewage to wade through.
(And yes, as always, the links version is available on my lil' blog site, found here: http://showercapblog.com/carthage-day-steve-bannon-madness/)
It's always tough getting the kids to go back to school after winter break, and President Shartcannon is no exception. Fussy at having to work again, he tweeted the world perilously close to nuclear war, because his father never loved him and he's not-so-secretly ashamed of every aspect of himself.
...especially his tiny, decayed, sputtering, wang.
Yes, he and Kim Jong-un squabbled over the length and girth of their nuclear buttons, as the world looked on, half horrified that the fate of all life on the planet rests in the hands of two cartoonishly spoiled adult toddlers, half darkly chuckling that perhaps this is what humanity deserves after all. Shit, if we've kept the Big Bang Theory on the air for more than a decade, let the missiles fly, says I.
There were other Tweets, of course. The Sunny D-Bag took credit for air safety, because he never met a positive headline he wasn't happy to attribute to his own ill-defined powers. (I'm sure he'll ask to be personally thanked when the McRib comes back.) He promised to give out awards for the Fakest Gnus (the Sharties?) on Monday night. But I suppose the one the threatening preemptive nuclear holocaust was probably the most newsworthy.
Oh, there was one amusing little bit of self-delusion, where the Velveeta Urinal Cake posited that Hispanic voters would somehow flock in droves to the man who unilaterally ended DACA, because...well, because He Said So in a Tweet. It's amazing, in a way, that a man who never learned how to tie a necktie to an appropriate length should have such confidence in his own judgment.
Anyhoo. Everyone wish Orrin Hatch well; he's announced his retirement from the institution whose standards he's been lowering for longer than I've been alive; the United States Senate. Orrin wants to spend more time with the colonies of increasingly-sentient bacteria that live in the folds of his jowls.
Word on the mean streets of Salt Lake City is, this clears the way for one Willard Romney to claim the seat. A few folks hopefully imagine he'll be some sort of heroic figure, defiantly speaking truth to power, a rock for the Never Trump GOP to build their resurgent party upon!
I think the rest of us understand he'll be what he's always been. A haircut. Perpetually moving in whichever direction he perceives the wind to be blowing, and being wrong as often as not.
Senator Haircut. You heard it here first.
But hey, we may have Michele Bachmann to kick around again! Yes, the Madwoman of St. Cloud has her wide, jittery, eyes set on Al Franken's Senate seat. Me, I think she's just lookin' for a new grift, since her Meth-Infused Communion Wafer business never really took off.*
Doug Jones and Tina Smith were sworn in as Senators, reducing the GOP majority to 51-49, and giving the Senate a record 22 female members. The obvious highlight would be the taunting laser death stare of Jones' gay son, Carson directed towards Mike Pence, who was wearing three extra layers of ceremonial undergarments, fearing gay contamination. (Contamigaytion?)
Anyway, sources tell me Doug Jones' Gay Son will be recording a freak-folk record with Roy Moore's Jewish Lawyer, and they'll be opening for Fleet Foxes this summer.
One of the most hotly divisive debates of the day is, of course, "Which Drumpf offspring is dumber, Junior or Eric?" For a long while, Junior's bumbling treason attempts seemed to give him an insurmountable lead, but Eric surged from outta nowhere with an almost inconceivably-brain-dead rant about the "deep state" suggesting he follow Ellen Degeneres on Twitter.
Acting ICE director/Neckless Himmler Clone Thomas Homan posited that politicians in sanctuary cities should be prosecuted for "crimes" of some sort, and isn't it always uplifting and fun to hear such a high-ranking law-enforcement official casually flinging around the idea of imprisoning political opponents for..."reasons?"
I tell ya, folks...when we get our government back, the first thing we need to do is clean out ICE from top to bottom like Augean Stables. Shit's gettin' a wee bit too fascist over there.
The folks at Fusion GPS published a feisty little editorial in the Failing New York Times calling out Boss Shart's craven congressional enablers for their bullshit spin about the FBI basing their entire Russia investigation on Christopher Steele's famous (piss) dossier. They challenged Congress to release the transcripts of their testimony, but I don't see the GOP willingly consenting to the extra humiliation, do you?
Senator Dianne Feinstein says she wants to talk to Drumpf Social Media Dude Dan Scavino, as she's recently received new information regarding his possible contacts with th'Russians during the campaign. This will inevitably raise questions like "What kind of shithead makes his fucking GOLF CADDY a major communications figure on a Presidential campaign?"
Well Michael Wolff has a new book coming out, and it's so hawt it may as well be called Harry Potter and the Gaggle of Assclowns.
I guess Team Shart gave this Wolff fella, a dude with a known history of completely eviscerating his book subjects (See Murdoch, Rupert) free reign to just...hang out in the White House for a year, to watch them stumble around, ripping into each other, like laboratory mice testing out the rage virus from 28 Days Later.
There's some charming stuff about the President's hobbies (trying to fuck his "friends'" wives), and how he never wanted the dumb old job in the first place. But mostly it details the group of amoral goons, swarming around like flies on a pile of shit, just trying to grab whatever they could before the whole thing blows up in everyone's faces.
So, a reckless man-child manipulated by malicious, power-warped, fuckheads. I suppose we should be grateful no world wars have broken out.
Oh, and there was a some stuff about Steve Bannon in it, I think. Is that right?
Oh right. He referred to Shartboy, Jr as "treasonous," and rambled a bit about all the money-laundering that would eventually bring the whole House of Crackers (coming this fall to Netflix) crashing down.
And since then Bannon has been...Jesus, I've never seen anything like this. Defenestrated. Then thrown directly under The Bus, which in this case is some sort of Fury Road apocalyptic demon bus with spiky tires, which then dragged Bannon to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, which was then drained, so that the earth could be salted, all while Mitch McConnell grinned his little turtle ass off.
Littlefinger said his old Chief Strategist had "lost his mind." Mamma Mercer cut off Steve-O's allowance (even, hilariously, for his security detail). Everyone he's ever endorsed is running away from him as though he had the plague. (Er, a different plague than whatever it is that makes him look like a BEN-HUR leper, that is.) Shit, even the Breitbart board is looking at firing his coated-with-an-eerily-viscous-substance ass.
All I'm saying is, when you see that oozy man sitting by the side of the freeway, wearing 11 shirts, holding a sign that says "Will scream 'cuck' at libtards for food," take a moment out of your day...and pee on him.
Reached for comment, Bannon would only emit a terrible, high-pitched yelp, an unholy sound tinged with an evil so ancient it hadn't been heard on this Earth since the Old Gods were young, shattering not only glass, but ceramic tile, LCD screens, and in one instance a marble sculpture of the Virgin Mary. The reporter on the call, it need hardly be said, has gone...quite mad.
Oh well. At least the shitstorm allowed our ol' pal The Mooch to squeeze one more brushful out of the toothpaste tube of his notoriety.
Anyway, it looks like America's Two Bloated Racist Goon Dads have finally split up. Donnie sent Steve a cease and desist letter. Bannon threatened to sue for defamation. They'll be battling for custody of Stephen Miller's forehead in court for the foreseeable future.
Oh, and the Poo Mistake had his lawyers send one of his trademarked Empty Threat letters to the publisher, who responded by pushing the publishing date up to...tomorrow. CUCKED BY A BOOK!
Meanwhile, Trapped Rat Paul Manafort figured he may as well try suing Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, Bashful Bob Mueller, and the whole dang DoJ, on the novel "Just because I laundered a bunch of money doesn't mean you can indict me for money-laundering, it's out of your jurisdiction!" grounds, a move likely aimed more at frothing up the Benghazi/Pizzagate crowd than actually succeeding in court, because that is just how we do things now.
Poor KKKris KKKobach! He thought he'd finally found his Manic Pixie Dream Despot, the vehicle by which he could finally bleach the electorate back to the 19th century! But alas, his Kooky Kulling Kommission, drowning in lawsuit and humiliating headlines, with almost every state-level election official telling him where he could stick his unconstitutional voter requests, was disbanded by executive order.
KKKobach will return in shame to Kansas, to run for governor, and to half-heartedly file voter fraud cases against mostly confused old white people, perhaps burning the odd cross on the occasional lawn, looking to stir up feelings of the glory days that almost were, like some sort of shitty white supremacist Springsteen.
Apparently worried that they're just too dang popular, the Shart Administration decided to come down squarely on the opposite side of public opinion of a couple of high-profile issues: the off-shore drilling and the REEFER MADNESS.
Ol' Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III never met an excuse to throw young minorities into prison that he didn't like, so he decided to strut and squawk about going after marijuana users in states where recreational, or even medical pot is legal.
Now, Sessions has long been a champion of states' rights, so what gives? "Oh naw, y'all don' understand," cooed the Attorney General, "States' rights jus' means laws about who's allowed to own who else, or who gets to drink at which water fountains and what have you."
Oh, and the offshore drilling? Sharty McFly wants it EVERYWHERE. Tourism-based economy reliant on beachgoers? How'd you like a few unsightly, smog-belching rigs? Environmental concerns? What's a lil' ol' oil spill now and then so long as a few billionaires get richer?
Noted Child Molester Roy Moore still hasn't conceded the Alabama Senate race, but he did pick up a little consolation prize: a defamation lawsuit! See, Roy figured he'd be fine if he just smeared his past victims as liars. They're only women-folk after all! Well, Leigh Corfman ain't havin' that shit. Have a blast in court, jackass.
And what's this? A late-breaking story sez the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee ordered Don McGahn to talk Jeff Sessions out of recusing himself from the Russia investigation? Oooooooweeeeee. It's beginning to look a lot like OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE!
Shit, the President's lawyers were even apparently lying to him about his authority to fire Comey. Drumpf himself seems to be the last person to realize what an epic self-own that was. Oh well. Enjoy your impeachment.
Alright, my friends. I may've missed some stuff today. The cold medicine makes me loopy. I may've hallucinated half of this. Wouldn't that be nice?
*That's what you get for going into business with Curt Schilling.
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