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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 468

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White Supremacist Terror Week Sucks. I Miss Infrastructure Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I'm nostalgic for the early days of mere blundering incompetence.

We've always known Government Cheese Goebbels would behave this way once his back was truly against the wall, that he'd burn the whole country to ash to save his own spray-tanned, jowlsy, neck, without a moment's regret...and I'm tryin’ to find the jokes, but today, it's hard, friends.

(As always, this post can be found, with all the relevant links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/white-supremacist-terror-week-sucks-i-miss-infrastructure-week/)

(And don't forget the Midterms Action Guide, we're in the home stretch! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

But I know y’all come here for some much-needed levity in these deep, dark, turd-encrusted times, and I don't want to let you down. Therefore, for this post only, I will be outsourcing the humor to other sites, where appropriate, in those moments when the news coverage becomes too tragic, enraging, tragically enraging, or engagingly tragic.

Of course we entered the weekend dealing the aftermath of a mass-assassination attempt by a Trump-inspired terrorist. While much of America grappled with tough questions about how we got here, and how we'll ever find our way back to decency again, President Crotchvoid took time to grieve...the fact that the terrorist pushed his preferred headlines off the front page. Littlefinger had stuff he wanted to whine about, but the mean ol’ mail bomber stole his thunder, WAAAAAAAAAH!

I suppose I can understand why he's upset. God knows he's worked harder on his precious migrant caravan diversion than he ever did on crafting a health care bill. Yes, your President cares more about feeding the fears of white bigots than in solving any of the problems facing the nation. And that's not funny, but you know what is? Garfield Minus Garfield.

Oh, and mean ol' Twitter deleted his bot followers, FURTHER WAAAAAAAAH!

And you wouldn't expect a little ol’ thing like somebody sending a bomb to CNN headquarters to get Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to back off his attacks on the press, even for a day, wouldja? Naw, when you start to see concrete results (like TERRORISM), you double down, brah! The only reason he's not using the word “Lügenpresse” is that he can't pronounce it. This bloated assclown won't be happy until a bomb actually goes off.

Meanwhile, the Shart Administration popped up to say, “Oh hey, remember that despicable act of state-sponsored terrorism we perpetrated a little while back, where we stole children from their families at the border? Well, wouldn'tcha know it, we just found 14 extra migrant children we separated, and have been illegally detaining and tormenting, OOPSIE!” Like fucking spare change they found in the sofa, instead of human beings. Instead of fucking CHILDREN.

Dear reader, I imagine we both need to cool off a bit at this point, so may I direct you to one of my favorite diversions, a little site called Texts From Superheroes?

Brian Kemp continues his voter-suppression crusade like it's his goddamn job, which, regrettably, it sort of is, since he's the Georgia Secretary of State. Jimmy Carter took a break from building homes for the less fortunate (unlike Drumpfy's evangelical cultists, Jimmy is an actual Christian) to call on Kemp to resign and, y'know, actually let Democracy happen in the United States. If I were Kemp, I'd watch out. Jimmy Carter beat cancer, little man, he'll toss a wannabe-authoritarian runt like you over his knee and give you a richly-deserved spanking.

Brazil became the latest nation to turn to a terrifying right-wing “populist” fuckhead for leadership. Reading about this creep sends an ice-cold shiver down my spine, so maybe we should all check out this merciless roast of everybody's favorite Journalistic Standards-Lowerer, Chris Cillizza, at McSweeney's.

I see the Uncredible Huck returned to briefing room podium after a month-long absence today, I guess cuz she missed lying and inciting hatred of the press. I get it. It's hard to quit anything cold turkey.

Fat Q*Bert added another shiny new lawsuit to his ever-growing collection today. This one's for fraud, and names some of his shitty kids, too. It'll be fun, won't it? Watching that ill-gotten fortune whittled down, lawsuit by lawsuit?

Saturday morning, headlines about attempted murder gave way to stories of mass-murder, as a rabid maniac, radicalized on the internet by the very same forces that animate much of Hairpiece Himmler’s hateful base, murdered 11 at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.

The terrorist cited the very same anti-Semitic conspiracy theories about “globalists” and “George Soros” that Trump tosses around in his hate rallies, but if you point that out, some desperately centrist pundit might just clutch their pearls 'till they're crushed into a fine powder for your heresy against the Holy Gospel of Bothsidesism, and we wouldn't want that.

But Lou Dobbs is still out there, standing on his tippy-toes, with a bullhorn, using the full force of his platform to spread this hateful filth, even though it's earned him a (GASP) slap on the wrist over at Fux Nooz. Kevin McCarthy, who just might be the next Republican Speaker of the House, left his own Klan-worthy tweet up for a whole goddamn day before being shamed into taking it down.

And Steve King gets bolder every day. If he's still in Congress come January, expect King to interrupt the traditional recitation of the Constitution to offer a little reading from Mein Kampf.

HAHAHAHAH CAP YOUR BLOG IS SO FUNNY. I told you it'd be rough going tonight. Here, let me pass you off to Bad Kids Jokes. They're funny even when I'm not.

Oh, and how did Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops himself respond to the biggest mass-murder of Jews in American history? First, with the perfunctory, insincere, “Oh yes, this is very bad and don't do it again wink wink” teleprompter statement, and then, because he's a Walking Human Hemorrhoid, with open, gleeful, trolling.

He enjoyed a little chuckle about how answering reporters’ questions on a national tragedy ruined his good hair day. And he took special care Saturday night to tweet about a baseball game, just to really drive home that he desn't give a fuck about the loss of life, he doesn't give a fuck about our grief, and he doesn't give a fuck about the dangerous hatred he's unleashed and encouraged.

You've no doubt seen the headlines about Pittsburgh’s Jewish community telling the Velveeta Vulgarian to just stay the fuck away from their mourning communities, but I urge you dig a little deeper. The leaders of Bend the Arc said the President wasn't welcome in Pittsburgh...until he abandoned his bigoted rhetoric and denounced white nationalism. That shouldn't be hard, right? Like, if Ben & Jerry's held a “Free Pint to Everyone who Just Denounces White Nationalism” Day, they'd wind up going bankrupt. It's a low fuckin’ bar to clear, is all I'm sayin', but still too high for President Skidmark.

And Kellyanne Conway emerged from her gingerbread house just long enough to blame the anti-Semitic massacre on...late night comedians? Seriously? Does that Shart House comms shop just have a carnival wheel depicting various Trump foes, and before any surrogate goes on TV, they have to spin it and demonize whoever the needle lands on? I guess Conway's lucky she didn't have to pin the whole thing on Rosie O’Donnell...

“Hold my beer, Kellyanne!!!” screamed Mike Pants, who couldn't get any actual Rabbis to appear beside his hate-mongerin’ ass, and figured settling for the “Messianic Jews” (that's a group that works to convert Jews to Christianity, for the record) alternative would be just as good. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.

Remember a few months back, when the entire GOP tried to make a single murder committed by an undocumented immigrant the most, no, the ONLY important story in America? When Erupting HateBoil Noot Gingrich belched, ““If (victim's name redacted, because fuck their bullshit narrative) is a household name by October, Democrats will be in deep trouble?” You've never seen an American political party so delighted that an American was killed. Again, racist fear-mongering is the only arrow left in their quiver.

So yeah, Fux Nooz can't seem to go more than a couple of hours without platforming some sinister taintfungus insisting the Dread Migrant Caravan is teeming with disease, and they just can't wait to “infect” all the good clean (coughcough white) Americans, and yeah, that genuinely is dehumanizing rhetoric directly out of the Nazi playbook. It's happening right here in the United States. In 2018. Broadcast coast-to-coast, right from the bile-spewing heart of the media bubble that's brainwashed a terrifying number of our countrymen.

...you're starting to see the wisdom in outsourcing the gags tonight, aren't you? Anyway, here's a link to The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. That'll make you laugh, even if I can't.

And now, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is dispatching 5,200 troops to the border, to combat the earth-shaking menace of the constantly-shrinking migrant caravan that remains hundreds of miles away. I imagine the Hatch Act doesn't have provisions to prevent Presidents from wasting millions of taxpayer dollars deploying the military for cheap political stunts, just one more example of the outdated “Well, we never anticipated the government would be taken over by sociopathic morons” conventional wisdom of simpler times.

Yeah, that's more troops than we have fighting ISIS in Syria. It's more troops than there are human beings in the caravan, including children. If I was Justin Trudeau, I'd invade now while Sharty McFly is distracted.

I should leave y’all with something to smile about. How about a little video of the most powerful person on Earth, demonstrating his inability to operate a machine as complex as a goddamn umbrella. Senile old fucker's like, “You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, fuck it.”

No, I can do better than that. How about the story of the Muslim community in America, coming together in solidarity with their Jewish brothers and sisters, raising tens of thousands of dollars to help the shooting victims' families? That spirit of love is what Donald Trump is desperate to destroy in America, my friends...and as you can see, like so many of his endeavors, he is failing.

Trump and the GOP, after controlling the federal government for nearly two years, have no record to run on. All they can offer now is fear and hate. It didn't work in Virginia last November. It won't work now.

This Week, We Learned Just How Much a Painting of Trump is Worth. Oh, Also There was Some Terrorism.

A number of readers have written in recent weeks to lament the seeming abandonment of the “shit be cray” phrase on this blog. I just figured that shit was so cray all the time that y’all were tired of hearing about how cray shit is, but rest assured...shit remains cray. Truly, madly, deeply, cray.

(Yes, as always, this post is available, with all those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-we-learned-just-how-much-a-painting-of-trump-is-worth-oh-also-there-was-some-terrorism/)

First, an apology. I aim to be thorough, even comprehensive, here at the Shower Cap Blog. However, in my most recent post, I failed to cover what was perhaps the day's most important story: De-platformed Crotchrash Alex Jones literally screaming at a pile of shit in the street. We don't hear much from Alex anymore, and I find his manic desperation for attention as the legal bills mount to be...really quite soothing.

Brian Kemp continues work on his forthcoming children's book, “How the Grinch Stole the Georgia Governorship.” Brian REALLY hates that black Georgians can vote, so I guess it's a good thing he's the government official in charge of the voting process, huh? Still, he's facing legal obstacles on everything from his bullshit scheme to reject voter registrations, to voting machines flipping Stacey Abrams ballots in his favor. Keep an eye on this fucker, I have a feeling we'll be fighting him for a while.

(True story, while I was writing the above paragraph, a brand-new story about voter suppression in Georgia broke. Couldn't make this shit up if you tried.)

Big congrats go out to John Kasich and Caitlyn Jenner, who finally woke up today and noticed that Donald Trump is bad. Kasich and Jenner plan on showing off those razor-sharp perception skillz, costarring in an hour-long buddy detective show on NBC next spring, just as soon as they can hash out the billing details.

I see Government Cheese Goebbels is now openly embracing the “nationalist” label, which is maybe a little too Man in the High Castle/on-the-nose for my personal tastes. What's really amazing is, you'll still find some contortionist think piece insisting it's totally unfair to call the guy racist, and if you just follow my Rube Goldberg logic machine through sixty increasingly-agonized distortions and justifications, you'll be as mad as I am at the implication!

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake is like a character in a badly-written play, always awkwardly reminding the audience of his one dominant character trait. In Jeff's case, that's his trademark histrionic flailing over his imaginary personal value system that's entirely irreconcilable with his observable behavior. This time he went on The View to moan and wail and rend his garments about how he “wasn't sure” if Brett Kavanaugh was lying his drunken ass off to gain a position of immense power, and so Jeff figured the best thing to do with his uncertainty was to go ahead and give the man the position of immense power.

After years and years (and years) of Megyn Kelly saying mega-racist shit more or less all the time, I guess a diatribe about “what's so wrong with blackface, why when I was a girl we'd put on minstrel shows practically every Thursday” was somehow a bridge too far for NBC, whereas her extensive history of similar statements was not viewed as an obstacle to offering her a sixty-nine-million-dollar contract in the first place. Life's weird, is all I'm sayin’.

Actually, it's been kind of a slow news week, outside of the attempted mass-assassination-by-mail-bomb terrorist campaign aimed at prominent critics of our Decomposing Rectum of a President. We could talk about that, I guess, if you're bored.

Yeah, some crazy assclown decided to mail explosives to the Obamas, the Clintons, Joe Biden, John Brennan, Maxine Waters, Eric Holder, George Soros, and even Robert De Niro, and I'm sure the FBI is just fuckin’ stumped trying to figure out what all the targets have in common. (Shower Cap's mailbox was empty; I guess I don't rate, and also my neighbors are stealing my Netflix DVDs*.)

Both sides of the political spectrum reacted with MATHEMATICALLY EQUAL responses, and to suggest otherwise is so uncivil that you would certainly be disinvited from my daughter's plantation-themed cotillion.

For example, Hillary Clinton thanked everyone for the concern, expressing particular gratitude to the Secret Service for putting their lives on the line for her family's safety. And, equally reasonable, dozens of the Screaming Hemorrhoids on the right immediately, with nary a shred of evidence, confidently proclaimed the entire thing was staged to distract people from the...I dunno...the roving Antifa mobs, or the launch of The Conners sans Roseanne, or some shit.

Like, isn't amazing, that for a tragically-significant chunk of the electorate, “false flag” is the immediate assumption, the very first place their minds go? Not, “oh, how terrible,” not “thank God no one was hurt,” but “AHHHHHHHHHHHH THE FILTHY DEEP STATE AND THEIR TRICKSY LIES.” Anyway, it's kinda fun that a third of the country is basically in a hate cult. My 7th grade civics textbook didn't prepare me for that, and it keeps me on my toes.

Lacking not only decency, but a fundamental understanding of why decency is desirable, the Marmalade Shartcannon actually used the act of terrorism to step up his attacks on the near-victims of it. You half expect him to barge into CNN, grab one of the captured explosive devices, force it into Jake Tapper's hand while he's on the air, and smack him repeatedly in the face with it, taunting, “Why're you bombing yourself? Why're you bombing yourself, Jake?”

Our old friend Noot Gingrich, delighting in how well his plan to break the greatest democracy in human history has gone, also jumped on the victim-blaming train, looking wistful that he may yet attain his lifelong dream of owning human slaves.

And of course, even after years of demonizing and dehumanizing his opponents, and inciting violence with the regularity of a sitcom character making sure to get his catch-phrase in every episode, Dorito Mussolini refused to take any responsibility for a targeted terrorist attack on his critics.

He's also recently refused to take responsibility for any GOP losses in the midterms. “Responsibility” isn't really Donnie Two-Scoops’ thing, you see. Hell, 25% of John Kelly's job is accepting blame for his boss’ overdone steak farts.

CongressThug Greg Gianforte is perhaps the perfect Trump Republican: a super-wealthy jagoff who sees himself as above the law, and thinks he can get away with anything. To that end, he's been lying on the campaign trail about his assault on reporter Ben Jacobs, and the terms of their settlement, and Jacobs sent him a letter saying “Cease and desist, or get your entitled ass sued, my man!” I say, take the fucker for all he's worth, Ben. And to you, dear reader, I say donate to Gianforte's decidedly-less-violent-and-also-awesome-for-other-reasons opponent, Kathleen Williams!

I see Donnie Dotard is looking to dispatch additional troops to the border to intercept the Big Scary Caravan that won't be there for weeks. Hey, who doesn't love having their tax dollars pissed away on a desperate racist campaign stunt perpetrated by a panicking wannabe tyrant?

Meanwhile, President Gas Station Urinal Cake is throwing every empty promise he can dream up at the cresting Blue Wave. He's gonna cut taxes and lower drug prices and rework the formula of Reese's Peanut Butter cups so they burn fat and cure cancer. Oddly, the Boy Who Cried “Wall” is having a hard time getting folks to believe all these sudden pledges to do big, impressive shit, possibly because he's spent his term to date failing to do enact any significant legislation beyond cutting his own taxes.

Also, because he rates the safety and security of the United States significantly below any momentary inconvenience for himself, the Bonespur Buttplug continues to use non-secure personal iPhones when he chats with his plutocrat buddies about...oh, I dunno...golf and sexual assault, I suppose. And it turns out spies for Russians and the Chinese eagerly listen in, delighted at how easy he makes their jobs. And people keep telling him to cut it out...but he won't, because again, all 325,000,000 of our lives are less important to him than his slightest passing whim.

And because we all live in Hell, the silver lining to the story about the American President gift-wrapping his private communications to our foes is, because he's too fucking dumb and too fucking lazy to read his security briefings, he's probably not giving away TOO many state secrets. AND JESUS WEPT.

Condolences to family of Ron DeSantis, who ceased to exist on this plane of reality after his thorough ass-whoopin’ at the hands of Andrew Gillum in the latest Florida Governor debate.

Walking Grandma's Living Room Smell Chuck Grassley has referred Michael Avenatti and Julie Swetnick to the Justice Department for criminal investigation, which is maybe a little tyrannical, but also fuck Avenatti and his self-aggrandizing shenanigans. There are no good guys in this fight.

Don't pity Avenatti, certainly. After his deft, sensitive, insights today, my only worry is that his ridiculous “Presidential campaign” flames out before it even gets off the ground. I truly treasure the opportunity he presents to prove to the world that our party would never be susceptible to electing a "Trump of our own." Please hang on just long enough to fail, Mikey. Your country needs you.

I really love the steady drip drip drip of stories on what Rugged Robert Mueller has on Roger Stone. Ol’ bastard's jumpin’ at shadows by now. Good. Hey, if anybody knows his address, let's send him some pizzas. Unexpected door-knocking is juuuust what he deserves this Halloween season.

(Oh, there's this other story on Mueller and Flynn and the Saudis tangled up in the Khashoggi murder. I haven't had time to read it yet, but goddamn it, this is blog is THOROUGH! I woulda made a really hilarious joke though, I promise.)

I'll leave you with something guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Because you deserve it.

So, the Shart Foundation is in court now over that whole “you're not a charity, you're a petty cash box” thing. By now, I'm sure you're familiar with the tale of Weehands McNodick using charitable funds to buy a painting of himself, right? WELL, in court today, the only defense his lawyers could muster was, “See, he started the bidding himself, but then it turned out nobody else was willing to offer so much as a half-eaten Milky Way for a picture of him. Your honor, this is a man who must pay more than $100,000 simply to have to sex. We throw ourselves on your mercy.”

Anyway, it was a gloriously pathetic admission, and I for one needed something to laugh about, because somebody tried to assassinate some of very favorite people this week.

You know the drill by now. Check out your friendly neighborhood Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) Donate. Volunteer. Get in the fight. Take your country back.

*Yes, I still get the DVDs by mail. Fuck you, you don't know me.

The GOP has Gone Full Klansman, and Steve King is HERE FOR IT. (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I'm getting mighty tired of living Eli Roth's unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I'm sayin’.

And I imagine you know this by now, but you can find this post, with all the necessary links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-gop-has-gone-full-klansman-and-steve-king-is-here-for-it/

Looks like John Bolton is finally flexing his mustache, er, “muscles,” doing those crazy John Bolton things you we always knew John Bolton would do. Pulling the United States out of a nuclear disarmament treaty? Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Trump + Bolton is like giving a bunch of howler monkeys speed and turning them loose in a chemistry lab. Anyhow, I dare you to watch Dr. Strangelove tonight. Or if you're feeling really brave, Fail-Safe.

Precocious Paul Manafort, in his legally-mandated prison jumpsuit, pulled the old “wheelchair-in-a-bid-for-sentencing-leniency” bit, and I'm sorry to say, Mr. M, I spent all my sympathy on the children locked up in cages. You sir, can eat shit. Anybody else see Paulie in his wheelchair and think of For Your Eyes Only?

We keep hearing about Bodacious Bob Mueller circling Roger Stone, talkin’ to all his friends, rummaging through his underwear drawer looking for cigarettes and porn. Rog insists he's done nothing wrong, and that he'd certainly never roll over on his dear and loyal friend, Mr. Trump! Me, I see that, and I grin, because I remember Manafort saying the same things once upon a time. And Gates.

Oh, didja see where some Russian woman got charged with fuckin’ around with the midterms? HO HUM. Wouldn't it be cool if we had a government that, I dunno, tried to protect the nation from foreign attacks? I think that'd be cool.

The cover-up of Jamal Khashoggi's horrific murder (and DISMEMBERMENT) is going...shockingly badly, when you realize the collaborators include one of the wealthiest families in the world and the President of the United States.

“Oh, it was crazy. Everybody was Kung-fu fighting. Honestly the guy chugged a bottle of tequila and started cutting himself up with the bonesaw. Anyway, we dressed somebody up in his clothes and had him walk out for the cameras, as one typically does in such situations.” I'm not sure what's most cringeworthy, that the Saudis would attempt such obvious bullshit, or that the President of the United States and his henchmen would work so hard to sell it.

Meanwhile, the President's shift manager, Vladimir Putin, gave a little speech celebrating the decline of American hegemony, which he pulled off for the low low price of Ordering Pizzas and Mountain Dew for a Handful of Tech Nerds Sitting in Cubicles Trolling Idiots on Facebook. "The Cold War coulda ended years ago, if we'd only thought sooner to weaponize our foe's most ubiquitous natural resource: morons," said Vlad, before laughing nonstop for 11 hours.

As you certainly know by now, the GOP is a-tremblin’ at the Blue Wave that's growing ever nearer and larger. They can't stave it off by talking about their record, because they've spent a year and a half doing a bunch of things that everybody fucking hates.

(I'm not sure WHY. We told them we hated these things. We were...actually pretty damn vocal about it. But here we are.)

Backed into a corner and lacking other options, the entire institutional Republican Party seems to have shrugged, and said, “Well, dance with who brung ya, even if it was NAKED WHITE NATIONALISM that brung ya.” She's a cheap date; all she wants is a little blood.

So, ummmm...to be honest, the rest of the news is basically just HATE. It's not my favorite thing, to do a This Week in Hate round-up, but, well...these are the times in which we live. Lucky us.

Nancy Pelosi went down to Florida for an event, and she encountered some “protesters,” though they were not of the “let's knit hats and make signs” variety, but more of the “far-right violent gang” ilk. Yes, it turns out the local Republican chapter decided to team up with the Proud Boys, who you may remember from their recent act of street violence in New York.

So what we have here, and let's not mince words, is GOP officials literally partnering with terrorists. Immediately after their most publicized act of terrorism to date. Cool.

And allllllll the Republicans who've used every available moment of camera time to offer stern lectures on civility are stone silent on the Proud Boys, aren't they? And when Tangerine Idi Amin praises a violent criminal for assaulting one journalist even as he orchestrates a cover-up of the murder of another, why, he isn't inciting violence, he's just playfully joking around, isn't that right, Steve Scalise? Spare me.

Boy, Steve King keeps testing the boundaries of decency, doesn't he? Seems Steve-O took a little Austrian vacation and sat down with a far-right website for a little chat about white supremacy, NEAT. This demented old fucker's gonna start slipping earmarks into spending bills, making sure his Iowa district is first in line for the new concentration camp construction. Some folks wonder why Republicans don't censure or expel King. I'll you why, they're planning on making him the next Speaker of the House. Dance with who brung ya.

As if to demonstrate that they haven't lost their flair for vileness, the Shart Administration is toying with altering some bureaucratic language here and there to formally dehumanize transgender Americans, and strip them of civil rights protections.

It's this administration in a nutshell; telling th’Base, hey, we can't keep our promises to bring back manufacturing jobs or improve your health care or repair your infrastructure...what we CAN do is hurt people. People who are different than you.

Nobody benefits from this shit. Nobody becomes richer, or safer, or healthier, or happier. It simply serves to send a little malicious thrill down the spines of the sort of people who enjoy inflicting suffering on others.

And of course, Government Cheese Goebbels himself has desperately lashed his immediate political future to the migrant caravan moving through Mexico. To hear him tell it, this congregation of desperate people seeking a better life is full of MS-13 and ISIS and ebola and those irritating guys who play guitar in sandwich shops, and it's coming to YOUR TOWN.

It's a national crisis! And he may need to deploy the military to the border! Fuck, you know he's asked General Kelly if he can just bomb them.

On the one hand, it’s a pathetic gambit...on the other, one must admit this Walking Colon Tumor fear-mongered himself all the way to the White House.

Yeah, Donnie Two-Scoops is gettin’ nervous. He knows what a Democratic-controlled House means. And lacking any actual accomplishments, well, he's just makin’ shit up. The Big Dumb Wall is almost built, and they're rioting in California, and the arms deal with Saudi Arabia generates so fuckin’ many jobs, we're gonna need every American to work part-time in a munitions factory to meet the demand! Oh, and Republicans are just about to deliver a big fat tax cut even though, y'know...that is not a thing that is happening, and Congress isn't even in session.

Meanwhile, WaPo reports Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet's rallies are more of a retreat than anything else. If it feels like Lil’ Man Shart is avoiding major metropolitan areas where he's unpopular because he's frightened of protesters, well...that's because he is. And even though he acts like he's selling out football stadiums, he's really working in smaller venues than he used to. Look, if getting 6,000 people in Buttfuck, Ohio is the qualifier, then the Little River Band could be President.

So he's touring Appalachia diners, stirring up...

...y'know what? Fuck hate. Fuck these hateful people and their bullshit, vapid, bigotry. I'm not leaving y’all like this, you deserve better. Let's wrap up with some GOOD news, okay?

Because we've got people CAMPING OUT TO VOTE in this country right now. CAMPING OUT. Not for a new iPhone, not for concert tickets, but to exercise their right to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!

And do you see our candidates kicking ass and taking names in their debates? Andrew Gillum ran circles around Ron DeSantis, which actually might explain Ron's frequently dazed expression. One of my very favorite Congressional candidates, Abigail Spanberger, was not having Dave Brat's crap, and let him know in no uncertain terms. (Hey, you wanna donate to these good good people? Click right on their names, you'll be magically transported to a fundraising page! Check out all the candidates at Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

And have you been following the live polling over at the Failing New York Times? There are some really interesting seats in play. If you're looking for a last minute donation target, why not help out our great team in Virginia? With the GOP's borderline-fascist Senate candidate dragging down the ticket, we might be able to elect not just Spanberger, but Elaine Luria, and Leslie Cockburn!

And do you remember Danny O’Connor from the the special election in the Ohio 12th? Well, without the undivided attention of the entire Republican donor class, his opponent, Troy Balderson, looks more vulnerable than ever! Help Danny out if you can!

Plus, check out this great article from Mother Jones on how Clarke Tucker has put a seat in deep-Red Arkansas in play! And hey, how about Laura Kelly, opposing KKKris KKKobach for the Kansas governorship, earning the endorsement of every living non-Brownback Kansas governor, Republican or Democrat?

And at least we can take a moment to appreciate the complete and utter debasement of Ted Cruz. Think about the minute-to-minute humiliation of walking around as Ted Cruz, especially today...**shudder**

Oh, and if you need a chaser to wash down all that schadenfreude, I suppose I could show you what The Mooch is up to these days.

Good lord. And it's only fuckin' Monday. Two weeks to the midterms, friends! Make every minute count!

In Which SCROTUS Covers Up a Murder, and Republicans do...Wow, a Fuckton of Super-Racist Shit (Ferret)

Turned on the news today, saw it was full of the shittiest people on Earth betraying American values to line their own pockets, and I wondered, “is this a re-run?”

(As you are no doubt aware by now, this post is available, with all the helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/in-which-scrotus-covers-up-a-murder-and-republicans-do-wow-a-fuckton-of-super-racist-shit/)

Mitch McConnell, like an overeager actor who rushes onstage five scenes too early, just couldn't stop himself. Presented with a cue regarding the Trump's-ass-sized hole his bullshit scam tax bill blew in the deficit, Yertle practically tap-danced with glee in setting forth phase two of his shabby-from-overuse master plan: yes, now that we've starved the federal budget by delivering untold billions to the already-wealthy via candygram, it is once again time to drown entitlements in the bathtub, alongside grandma and grandpa once they're no longer productive members of the serf class.

Oh, and Mitch can't wait to sink his little terrapin claws into Obamacare repeal the very next chance he gets, possibly because he needs to drain life-force from the working class to survive. The GOP at large has taken the somewhat curious position that, after eight years of near-daily attempts to repeal protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions, suddenly they love protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions more than the punch at a Koch brothers retreat, and that shit's spiked with secretions from the adrenal glands of Bengal tigers.

Seriously, do they think we didn't notice? Ted Cruz out there pitching this shit like he didn't shut down the whole fuckin’ government cuz he didn't get to personally wheel poor people out of the ICU and dump ‘em on the sidewalk? Do they think the average voter is like the Memento guy? Because we all totally remember the Pompous White Guy Party y’all threw when the House passed their AHCA bill. It was last year. If we can keep up with Game of Thrones, we can remember your Yay For Shorter Lifespans shindig from LAST YEAR.

Precocious Paul Manafort does not like to admit that he is a multiple felon who lives in prison now, and a federal judge had to remind him that regular clothes like suits and superhero mask/bathrobe combinations are for folks who have not been convicted of so very many crimes, and so he has to wear a jumpsuit, but he is certainly free to pretend he is in Devo if that helps.

But maybe incarceration will work out for Paulie. He's already made a new best friend, and that best friend's name is Robert Mueller! Prisoner Paul and Bodacious Bob hang out ALL THE TIME! They've met at least nine times in the last month, so they've probably almost finished binging Mad Men by now. Sigh. I wonder what they talk about? I guess I'll have to wait for the next round of indictments to find out.

Oh, and Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave an interview saying that yuh huh the Mueller investigation is real and good and not a witch hunt at all no matter what Devin Nunes says whenever he pulls his lips off a hog's rectum long enough to talk, anyway.

We're getting conflicting reports regarding whether Interior Secretary Cowboy Ryan Zinke has made a Hail Mary to snatch the Coveted Cabinet Corruption Crown away from dearly departed Scott Pruitt once and for all, by firing the Inspector General investigating his amusingly-open corruption, or if he just really really wants to. Anyway, congratulations to the President on his ongoing success draining that D.C. swamp! Heckuva job, Sharty!

What's this now? The IG report came out, and it says Zinke Bootz has been a very naughty boy indeed? Ah, you damn near pulled it off, bud. Just a smidge late.

Somehow, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits has convinced himself that everything's great, everybody loves him, and that all Republicans need to preserve their Congressional majorities in the midterms is to have his shitty little face broadcast on the television box, belching up all the hateful garbage he can muster, 24/7.

Central to the pitch is his own mighty, warped-from-years-of-exposure-to-experimental-hair-tonics brain! Why of course he understands the military better than his Secretary of Defense (whose nickname must surely have evolved by now into “Extremely Patient Dog Mattis”), and with his infallible “natural instinct for science,” he effortlessly overrules the overwhelming consensus on climate science!

...dude spends too much time at rallies full of fawning cultists. The rest of us recognize him for he is; a doddering old egomaniac in declining mental health, who never even figured out how to tie a goddamn necktie. Old man, you don't have the “natural instinct” of a waffle.

And Toupee Fiasco even imagines his misogynistic insults directed at Stormy Daniels are some sort of deft electoral ploy, finally energizing that untapped “All I want from a President is a disgusting old man who insults his old lovers’ looks” vote.

Further political shrewdness was displayed when Fat Q*Bert whined about how he was far, far, too busy to visit our troops in combat zones! Oh so very busy with presidenting all the time, and please pay no attention to Lindsey Graham carrying my golf bag down to the motorcade, it's work, work, work for me! Anyway, thanks to everyone fighting and dying in the world's many shitholes, and don't forget I'm also too busy to greet the returning remains of the fallen!

The horror of the murder and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi has presented Team Treasonweasel with the opportunity to piss on an entirely different set of foundational American values than they usually get to piss on, and let it never be said that they haven't made the most of that opportunity.

First came Mike Pompeo gladhanding with the murderous Saudi Prince behind the atrocity, posing for photos with MBS like they were opening a fucking Ponderosa.

And then came the the cringeworthy spectacle of the governments of the United States and Saudi Arabia scrambling like characters in a chintzy Tarantino knock-off, trying to cover up their grisly fuckery so they can go back to business as usual. Every time an alibi started to take shape, some pesky journalist would pop up with new details, and they'd have to start over. They could always take care of the journalists the old-fashioned way, but gosh, that's how they got into this mess in the first place!

In the midst of everything, young Jar-Jar wanders around in his store-bought Mr. Diplomat Halloween costume, shrugging off his responsibility for installing this homicidal tyrant in the first place, because he was only ever in it for the money, and it was really never more than a hobby at any rate, and perhaps he'll try writing a romance novel instead, as this sordid little episode has become simply tiresome.

Jared, in his worldly wisdom, assured Daddy Dipshit that all of this will surely blow over, and they'll get it away with it like they get away with everything else. Nah, kid...y’all haven't gotten away with anything. We just had to wait a couple years before we could vote again. You've got 18 days left to get away with shit. I'd sneak the silverware out tonight, if I were you.

Even poor Steve Mnuchbag had to cancel his Saudi vacation, which is extra-disappointing because Louise Linton had been super-excited to show off the new dress she'd had made from the skins of the working poor.

Visibly Decomposing BigotHusk Pat Robertson weighed in from the festering tar pit he inhabits, which he laughably considers to be some sort of moral high ground, positing that we shouldn't let something as silly as one little ol’ murder stand in the way of a major arms deal, and if Jesus didn't immediately resurrect himself to slap the evil right out of Pat's mouth, then folks, he ain't comin’ back. Ever.

While there's been plenty of focus on the rather obvious hypocrisy of this faux Christian whippin’ up what's likely to be the final erection of his misbegotten life at the thought of America profiting off the Saudis’ near-genocidal war in Yemen, we should also take a moment to appreciate Pat falling for the utterly phony idea that the “100 billion dollar arms deal” is real, and not just a carrot on a string used to dangle tantalizingly before the Western rubes. It's a nice double-whammy of hatred and ignorance. Vintage Robertson.

With the midterm elections looking more and more like the cliff Republican lemmings have been running steadily towards for 18 months now, the GOP is understandably frantically searching for any strategy to minimize their losses.

"Let's run on our records!” shouts some doe-eyed freshman from the back. Paul Ryan, chuckling darkly, says simply, “Well son, good luck with your ad about how we cut everybody's boss’ taxes, shrunk national parks, and threw children into internment camps...me, I'm going with my ol’ faithful fallback: scaring the piss out of stupid white people!”

Yeah, that's the closing argument: brown people are coming for you, and Democrats are giving them health insurance and sledgehammers and keys to your back door. Since the MS-13 crime wave has stubbornly refused to manifest in real life, Tangerine Idi Amin had to settle for a migrant caravan to demonize. He's threatening to suspend foreign aid and send the military to the border and probably fill the Rio Grande with sharks and mines.

President Crotchrot is hardly alone in his hate-fueled fear-mongering, of course. CongressDouche John Faso, facing a competitive race, isn't talking about how great a representative John Faso has been, no, all he wants to discuss is the scary rap music his African-American opponent, a fucking RHODES SCHOLAR, used to make. Me, I say donate to Antonio Delgado and send John Faso home to knit.

Jason Chaffetz might not be a GOP lawmaker anymore, but he wants you to know he's still racist enough to rejoin the club whenever he wants.

And then there's the ad from backers of French Hill in the Arkansas 2nd, so far past the limits of decency and taste that it is beyond my powers of exaggeration to even comment on it. Listen for yourself. Then donate to Hill's awesome opponent, Clarke Tucker.

Shit, I almost forgot about this ad, which hits nearly every square on the racist bingo card. That's the kind of week it's been. I've actually lost track of all the individual instances of hate spread by the institutional Republican Party. Anyway, if you wanna fight back against this shameful hatred, click here and support Dan Feehan.

Oh, Steve King endorsed a white supremacist candidate. I nearly didn't mention it, because does “Steve King did a big fat racist thing because he's a big fat racist” really qualify as “news” anymore? Creepy old bastard's gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the floor of the House soon.

Meanwhile, the aptly-named Dave Brat has chosen to lean on another tentpole of modern conservatism: whining. In conversation with an inmate in an addiction support group, Dave-O showed off his empathy chops, saying, “Lady, you think YOU'VE got problems? Well I'm running a re-election and my opponent...is CAMPAIGNING! Get in line, is all I'm sayin’!” He seems nice. I prefer Abigail Spanberger, myself.

We shouldn't neglect the Republijag candidates running on naked, unapologetic, corruption. Seems Governor Rick Scott, the Duke of Medicare Fraud himself, swapped a $500,000 PAC donation for investing $200 million of Florida's money in a private equity firm. I shoulda been a right-wing politician; it's much more lucrative than my humble tip jar.

Meanwhile Nevada Senator Dean Heller got caught pitching some wacky, b-movie-sounding, experimental “brainwave” treatment to the VA. Is there any evidence the treatment works? Of course not! Is the company behind the treatment connected to Heller's aides? Why, yes, why do you ask?

Oh my! Rumor has it that Chief of Stuff John Kelly and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip got into a fight outside the Oval Office this afternoon! We are told there were even SWEARS exchanged! (GASP! But CIVILITY!) I'm not surprised. I've read enough comic books to know that super-villain teams always fall apart, because garbage people don't get along with anybody, even other garbage people.

Anyhow, I tried and tried, but I can't come up with anything to improve on a headline like, “Pro-Trump pimp, Nevada GOP assembly candidate Dennis Hof dies after rally, birthday party with Grover Norquist, Joe Arpaio and porn legend Ron Jeremy,” so I'll just let that one ride on its own.

We've been swimming in a sea of madness for a long damn time now, but the shore is finally in sight! The midterms are so close I can taste ‘em! Are you in the fight yet? We added a few new entries in Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/), why don't you pop over and meet everybody, and make a donation or then?

PS, while I was writing tonight, Government Cheese Goebbels held a little Klan rally in Montana, during which he praised CongressThug Greg Gianforte for physically assaulting a reporter. Yes, right on the heels of the Khashoggi murder. Does that make you mad? You can donate to Greg's excellent, non-violent opponent, Kathleen Williams, who could use your help.

On Bonesaws and Bigots and Boys, Proud or Otherwise (Ferret/ShowerCap)

We're a little over three short weeks away from the headline I've been jonesin’ for since November 2016: “After Years of Assholes Running Amok, the Good Guys Finally Win!” and I am READY FOR IT, folks. It's like a fat piece of chocolate cake for dessert after you've been eating dog turds and gravel...for two years. It's TIME.

(As always, this post is available on my humble site, with all sortsa news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/on-bonesaws-and-bigots-and-boys-proud-or-otherwise/)

(Oh, and if you're looking to get involved in the fight to take your country back in the 2018 midterms, check this out: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

Let's start off with the light shit, the merely immoral, before diving into the deep end of today's atrocity pool. It seems Jared Kushner has worked every available loophole and avoided paying income taxes for years, and that was before he took up governing as a hobby and cut his taxes even further. Sources tell me Jar-Jar used the windfall to invest in elocution lessons, but alas, he still sounds like a meth-addled dolphin caught in a net every time he opens his mouth.

I guess the Man With Phalangeal Stunting was talkin’ up Robert E. Lee over the weekend? Why does this surprise anyone? Lee is the patron saint of two things: treason, and losing. Shit, Trump was probably cloned in a lab from one of Bob's ass hairs.

Retiring-Even-if-She-Doesn't-Know-it-Yet Maine Senator Susan Collins clarified her stance on political bribe-taking, which is apparently really bad when it involves everyday Americans raising funds for her potential 2020 opponent in protest of her vote to confirm a horny-to-overturn-Roe-v-Wade far-right political hack to the Supreme Court, but super-mega-awesome when it comes in the form of a six-figure payout from a Republican dark money group thanking her for said confirmation of said hack. Susan's personal ethics are...complicated.

Now, you'll never believe this, but Mitt Romney has been caught...pandering! Confronted with his anti-Trump past, Mittens denied it quicker than you could say “Why I'd LOVE to be Secretary of State, sir!” Come January, he'll be in Orrin Hatch's old seat, but let's make sure to give him Jeff Flake's chair.

President Gas Station Urinal Cake continues to handle post-Hurricane Michael devastation by holding campaign rallies where thousands of idiots fellate his fragile ego. Sure, it's totally ineffective, but it's easier, and he likes it more, so FUCK YOU, SUFFERING AMERICANS.

Beloved (By the Sort of People Who Love Stores and are Otherwise Dead Inside) Retailer Sears filed for bankruptcy, after years of being run into the ground by a Rand-worshipping maniac who was incapable of discerning the difference between fiction writing and serious political/economic theory. As an amusing little footnote, Orange Julius Caesar took a moment to run down the company's leadership, which is extra hilarious since his own Treasury Secretary served on the board during the decline and fall.

So let's talk about the Proud Boys. We could spend hours picking apart the psychology of a band of fascist, misogynist, thugs self-identifying as “boys,” but for now let's focus on the current news. They've been largely confined to the west coast, mainly Portland, so far, but they took a little field trip to th'Big Apple, to reenact a political assassination (and I thought my hobbies were weird) and commit some hate crimes!

Now, the Republican club that hosted them, and their obedient lapdogs over at Fux Nooz, had the balls to try to spin this story as one of Antifa vandalism, as though they didn't invite known violent fascists over for tea and crustless triangle-shaped sandwiches before embarking on a little light gang violence.

Anyway, it seems like only yesterday when a veritable swarm of conservative pundits hectored us about the Violent Left Wing Mobs that were massing outside Every Decent American's home, but they've been oddly silent about the actual Violent Right Wing Mob that was captured beating the shit out of people on camera. That seems weird. Do you think that's weird? Cuz I think that's weird.

Georgia Senator David Perdue is a One-Man Violent Right Wing Mob of his own! A student at Georgia Tech, i.e. one of Dave-O's constituents, tried to ask him a question (about Brian Kemp's vote suppression fuckery), but the good Senator was not about to let a mere peasant act above his station like that! So he grabbed the kid's phone right out of his hands and strode away, before remembering how cameras work, and realizing how badly he'd just fucked up.

Anyhow, did I mention that Perdue's seat is up in just two short years? Me, I tend to prefer Senators who don't assault the people they work for.

I tell you folks, we just keep on finding more and more Super Rare Outliers in the Not at All Racist Republican Party. This time it's Minnesota Senate candidate Karin Housley, with some sensitive, nuanced, observations about Michelle Obama surfacing in her social media history. Housley was already gonna lose, but this news just earned the announcement of her defeat a celebratory Jäger shot on my election night schedule.

There are a LOT of celebratory shots on my election night schedule. The Blue Wave might just kill me.

Oh, and Duncan Hunter is still racist trash, if you were wondering. Shit, you could set your watch by Duncan's jerkbaggery. Accused of more crimes than your average Mafia family, he's running ads that would make Archie Bunker blush. Stephen Miller's sitting in the corner, going, “Whoa. Too far, dude.” Kudos to his opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar, for turning Dunc's bullshit attack right back on him.

Hunter is hardly the only Republijag campaigning on hatred and fear-mongering, of course, I suppose on one hand, you can't really blame them. What're they gonna run on? Their records?

Like, after two years of complete control of the federal government, you really ought to have some achievements. Maybe even AN achievement. Two years is a long fuckin’ time. I guess “Vote for me again, I'm the guy who cut your boss’ taxes” isn't the rousing sentiment they'd hoped for.

So the deficit is way up and let me tell you, Republicans are howling, demanding it immediately be brought under contrHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH GOTCHA! Deficits are only bad when you're talking about feeding a hungry child or treating a senior citizen's cancer after they've already surrendered their productive years to the investor class! But when it comes to massive tax cuts for their donors, the only question is “Would you like it in large or small bills, sir?”

The Manchurian Manchild decided to show us why he never sits down for interviews with real journalists, by sitting down for an interview with a real journalist. Without a subservient host doing everything in their power to prop him up, he's quickly revealed as a petulant, vindictive, know-nothing. Hey Don, pro tip: any conversation where you feel compelled to state “I'm not a baby” more than once is not a conversation that's going your way.

He was in rare form. He posited that while climate change was indeed a thing, the climate would one day simply choose to change back, like a nagging wife who always wants new clothes but winds up settling on the old, comfortable, “I really don't care, do u?” jacket anyway.

Certainly the highlight was the sneering Yes I Shit All Over a Sexual Assault Victim and it was Totally Worth it Because I Won I Won I WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON segment.

Heh. He certainly has all the long-term strategizing ability of a baby, doesn't he? When a historic midterm electorate gender gap produces a House of Representatives that spends the final months of his presidency investigating his every crime live on TV, I wonder if he'll pause to reflect on how much he really “won” this particular fight.


Well, the last time he did anything like this, he confessed to obstruction of justice in front of the whole fuckin’ world, so maybe this counts as a win.

So I guess Elizabeth Warren, ahead of an expected Presidential campaign, took one of those ancestry tests to show that, despite Weehands McNodick's racist taunting, she does indeed possess some Native American heritage. Targeted social media advertising traps even U.S. Senators sometimes, I suppose.

This prompted a wave of pretentious thinkpiecery seldom seen outside the release of a Star Wars movie. Dems are sabotaging the Blue Wave, because an army of voters who somehow care more about Liz Warren's Ancestry Test than health care, jobs, immigration, or corruption will rise up and crush us beneath their steely boots...

Or something. All I'm sayin’ is, pundits are dumb. Me, I'm better than a pundit; I'm concise, and I swear more.

Personally, I think the real story here was Sharty McFly once again backing out of a pledge to make a sizable charitable donation. Don't forget it took an investigative journalist's shaming to force him to make a similar donation to veterans’ charities during the 2016 campaign.

(The Velveeta Vulgarian went on to say he would only pay the million bucks if he were allowed to test Senator Warren's DNA personally, an unusually gross statement from an unusually gross man. Like, Wee Don is disgusting every day, but I feel like we just got a glimpse of his never-cleaned bathtub.)

Assuming the reader just threw up in their own mouth, I'll give you a minute to run to the bathroom for some Listerine.

...but keep the bottle handy, because we're moving on to the ongoing fallout of America's BFF, Saudi Arabia, kidnapping and murdering critical journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

Facing international condemnation and, perhaps more importantly, millions of dollars in foreign investment draining out of their economy, the Kingdom hit upon a novel cover story that goes, “Ok, yeah, we killed the guy, but we were only trying to kidnap and maybe illegally extradite him, and AS THESE THINGS DO, shit got a bit out of hand, everybody said some things they didn't mean, and maybe somebody got murdered and dismembered.”


As smarter folk than I have commented, imagine how bad this situation is, that THIS is what they're willing to confess to.

So much of the blame for this shitshow falls on Jared Kushner's shoulders. Young Jar-Jar, practically the Roman God of Unearned Privilege, having married his way into the highest halls of power, figured he'd cosplay as an International Diplomat, cuz how hard could it possibly be, right? So he plays kingmaker in the Middle East, swapping state secrets for personal financial relief, empowering reckless elements that fuck with regional stability by isolating Qatar, commit crimes against humanity daily in Yemen, and finally blow up the whole damn endeavor by luring a Washington Post contributor to his death and then CHOPPING HIS BODY TO PIECES WITH A GODDAMN BONE SAW.

Open letter to Jared: the sum total of your life's accomplishments comes to Being Born Rich. You are not qualified to handle the office's Starbucks order, let alone anything involving real work. MBS fucking brags out loud about what a useful idiot you are. Please walk away from government before anybody else gets hurt, you stupid, stupid, boy.

In all the horror, I hope we don't lose track of the element of this story where Donnie Dotard happily parroted the “they say they didn't do it and they sounded like they really really meant it” line, only to have the Saudis turn around and confess mere hours later. It's a magical blend of weakness, incompetence, and raw stoogery that only Donald J. Trump can deliver. He bought into the “rogue killers” line with the commitment of a dedicated LARPer. The Saudis could've told him it was robots, or talking kangaroos, and he'd have happily repeated the talking points on CNN.

I see Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against the Bloviating Bloat was dismissed in federal court today. Normally I don't cheer Shartboy’s wins, but if this precedes the long-overdue Going Away of Avenatti, I'm generally for it.

Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet, having recently boasted about how he was going to find the biggest arena in all of Texas to stump for his close buddy, Ted Cruz, instead settled for an 8,000-seat arena, because he knows he couldn't possibly fill a bigger one, even in one of America's largest cities, since everyone hates him. It's almost a shame more folks won't get to see his Ted's Dad Killed Kennedy and His Wife is Homely, But Vote for Him Anyway routine.

Alright, that's enough. If there was any more news today, I apologize for missing it, but what I need to do right now is release a long primal scream that lasts at least until the sun comes up. I'll see y'all soon.

This Week We Have to Shame our President Into Condemning the Murder of a Journalist. Fun!(Ferret/SC)

Well, we've graduated from tut-tutting about civility to locking ourselves in the safe room as the mob of torch-wielding Democrats circles the old family mansion. Whatever. As Eric Holder said, “When they go low, we tie them to the fire ant hill, and laugh at their screams as they are devoured alive. Only metaphorically, duh.”

(As always, you can find this post, with all kinds of useful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-we-have-to-shame-our-president-into-condemning-the-murder-of-a-journalist-citizenship-is-fun/)

(And don't forget about the Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

This week we learned that Rand Paul's wife is a paranoid idiot, which shouldn't surprise us, because who but a paranoid idiot would marry Rand Paul?

We also learned that John Kelly doesn't like no uppity women sassin’ him with their opinion-having and whatnot, even when they are famous, powerful, United States Senators like Elizabeth Warren. Gosh John, you're gonna really hate it next year, when your full-time job will be fielding subpoenas from the army of new Congresswomen who are about to take over the House and hold your shitty boss accountable for once.

And Director Chris Wray admitted that the FBI didn't so much “investigate the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh” as “make a butter sculpture of the FBI investigating the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh,” but hey, at least the consequences won't affect the country for decades to come, right? Wait.

Everybody congratulate Sheldon Adelson, who has his very own Pet President! The rest of us are fucked, but at least Sheldon can count on the most powerful person on Earth acting like his personal agent. Amazing what a few million bucks buys these days. I wonder if he can make Shartboy do tricks? Like, can he walk right into the West Wing, dangling an over-cooked steak and an eight-figure check, and make Fat Q*Bert roll over, and beg? Probably.

Facing down a Blue Tsunami of angry Americans who've patiently waited for two long years to fire their complicit, collaborating, asses, Republicans have hit upon a couple of novel last-minute solutions: lying and cheating.

See, these dutiful little plutocrat toadies finally figured out everybody's pissed off about their dozens of attempts to steal health insurance from millions of their constituents, so now they're pretending that they're all just gaga about protections for pre-existing conditions, and also everyone should get TWO lollipops when they go to the doctor. As though we'd forget about the eleventy-billion Obamacare repeal votes, and that giant fucking party they threw at the White House when they passed that bill that REPEALED PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. It's like Wile E. Coyote running ads touting his commitment to roadrunner preservation.

And now Georgia GOP Governor candidate Brian Kemp is colluding with Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp to disenfranchise all those pesky African-American voters who are signing up to vote for Stacey Abrams. (Yeah, they're the same person. That's the joke.)

Yeah, the gerrymandering and the 24/7 propaganda-blasting media bubble aren't enough. Republican politicians now want to personally hand-select their electorate, voter by voter. There's a lawsuit aiming to force Kemp to actually allow democracy to happen in America, but he'd much rather fear-monger while abusing the power of his office in service to gifting himself a still more powerful office to abuse.

Similar fuckery is being perpetrated by RepubliThugs in North Dakota and Missouri and Indiana, because nothing in the world scares a conservative more than a voter. Seriously, just go trick-or-treating in their neighborhoods wearing regular clothes with a couple of those “I Voted” stickers. They'll lock their doors, turn off their lights, and most likely start shooting.

Pissant Pol Pot himself, or a ghost writer anyway, published a health care editorial in USA Today. It was...somewhat less than honest. As the saying goes, every word was a lie including “and” and “the.” Fucker might not be bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but I imagine the fact-checker class is vacationing in the Hamptons by now.

Oh, and Sharty McFly invited Olivia Nuzzi into the Oval Office to watch his brains leak out of his ears and nostrils for a while. Anyway, he's still a massive fucking idiot, driven by vanity and grievance, in case you were wondering.

Queen Melania, hot off her tone-deaf African vacation, proclaimed herself to be The Most Bullied Person in the Whole Wide World Prolly, which will perhaps come as a surprise to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who has been unable to return to her home because of all the death threats. Maybe they can arm-wrestle for the title.

I see the Sensei of Sez-Hoo himself, Michael Cohen, has joined the Democratic Party. I know your first impulse is, “Fuck no, we don't want the weasel,” but let's explore some possibilities. His potential as a fundraiser, be it in a dunk tank scenario, or a $10,000 per plate...of rotten fruit to throw at his shitty little face scenario, is virtually limitless.

I suppose the big story is still the thing about Saudi Arabia kidnapping, murdering, and FUCKING DISMEMBERING Jamal Khashoggi, a critical journalist, and how the immoral shitpiles in our government are totally, 100%, cool with it.

Government Cheese Goebbels responded “Hey, it's just one guy, he wasn't even an American citizen, and he was an Enemy of the People™️ after all, so why should we let it stop us from selling them weapons to murder Yemeni children with? Especially when they put so much filthy oil money directly in MY pockets and hell no you can't see my tax returns!”

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag wants everybody to know he's certainly not canceling his Saudi trip. Louise has been looking forward to the shopping for SO long, and you can imagine what she's like when she's disappointed.

Oh, and we're hearing that American intelligence agencies intercepted communications where the Saudis talked about kidnapping Khashoggi, and then the government decided not to warn him of the danger he was in. Which makes the Trump administration DIRECTLY COMPLICIT IN THE MURDER OF A JOURNALIST GET IT HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wait, that's not a joke. That's the horrific reality of one free-press-hating regime collaborating with another to commit murder.

Anyway, let's remember that any other American President would have immediately brought the totality of our nation's power down, like God's own hammer, on Saudi Arabia's murderous new crown prince by now, but we in our wisdom elected the grifter who won't think twice about America's values when his own financial interests are at stake.

And while Americans suffered and died in the latest major hurricane to hit the east coast, the Hairplug That Ate Decency tended to his #1 priority: his own ego. He refused to cancel his latest hate rally, because it wouldn't be fair to him to sit at home pretending to give a fuck when everybody damn well knows he doesn't, which has a certain logic to it, I suppose.

And then the Kanye thing. I'm not gonna jump on West, because I'm in the “I hope he gets the help he needs/it's not cool to laugh at mental illness” camp. But the Velveeta Vulgarian, bringing in a celebrity to give him a lap dance while many Americans were losing their homes, or even their lives? Yeah, him I'm gonna shit all over.

The GOP candidate for Pennsylvania Governor, some dipshit called Scott Wagner, cut a campaign ad that's about half a foot away from screaming that he will skull-fuck his opponent and then piss in the empty sockets. Anyway, now I think I'll post seventy think pieces about how Democratic protesters are a violent, angry, mob, whaddya think?

Speaking of protests, the authoritarian dicktumors of Team Treasonweasel are trying to curtail protests near the Shart House, because they hate the Constitution and fear the people. Yeah, I know I'm not very funny tonight, something about seeing my government wage a multi-front war on freedom of speech fails to tickle my funny bone. My rage bone? My rage bone* is thoroughly stimulated.

Y'know, I think I finally figured out why so many Republicans rail and rage against colleges and the educated: perpetually-simmering envy of people whose brains actually work. Take these two young geniuses in Arizona whose diabolical plan to unmask a Democratic Congressman as a closet communist totally would've worked except for the fact that every single thing about it was epically fucking stupid and only a genuine fuckhead would’ve tried it.

Now it turns out the soulless scatmunchers in the Shart Administration enjoyed the first round of family separation atrocity so much, they're plotting a sequel. I guess the viagra just isn't getting the job done for Stephen Miller anymore.

I guess Miller ate paste in grade school. While I generally caution against confusing correlation and causation, if you see your kid chowin’ down on glue, go ahead and break that habit lest he grow up into the sort of monster who brings the full force of the most powerful nation in human history down on the heads of innocent children. Just to be safe.

In summation, I'm sick of these petty, evil, men hurting people in my name. I hope you'll use this next month to do everything you can to pry this country out of their hands; it's maybe the most important month of any of our lives. Get in the fight. History needs you.

*This is not what I call my penis, I promise.

This Last-Minute Surge in Voter Enthusiasm is Brought to You by Post-Kavanaugh Gloating &...Tay-Tay?

Hey everybody, no blog tonight, I just don't have anything to say, honestl-oh hang on, the Soros check just showed up, special delivery! I guess I can continue with my paid activism which is only purchased and certainly not sincere now!

(And as always, you can find this post, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-last-minute-surge-in-voter-enthusiasm-is-brought-to-you-by-post-kavanaugh-gloating-and-taylor-swift/)

Well, we began the week with the Unseemly Victory Lap phase of the Kavanaugh debacle, I guess because Republicans were worried they weren't getting crotch-punted out of Congress hard enough.

Folks, I'll be honest with you, I consider Mitch McConnell to be an evil political genius. Far and away the most dangerous Republican since I've been paying attention to this crap. But he's more the Arcane Procedural Maneuver genius than the Electoral Politics genius, as demonstrated by the fact that though he's accomplished a truly tremendous amount of fuckery, his own party still generally hates him.

So I look to my right, and there's Yertle and his Band of Living Fossils, high-fiving one another over the brilliance of the “Brettwurst is the real victim here” strategy, but when I look to my left, I see Every Woman I Have Met or Heard Of so fired up with post-Kavanaugh rage that they'd each tear a six-foot-thick steel vault door off its hinges, single-handed, for the chance to vote every Republican in sight straight off the fucking planet...and I just wanna give Mitch the biggest megaphone in all creation for his gloating.

(And if YOU'RE pissed off, why not check out the ol’ Action Guide, and fight back: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

...especially when he picked this week of all weeks to (dishonestly) insist that it was Senate Republicans who were “under assault.” Fuck, Mitch, how many millions did you raise for us with THAT little quip? You're a One-Turtle Democratic Turnout Machine. “These things always blow over?” Sure. Twenty, thirty years...we'll have moved right past this shit, I promise.

And let's shine a fat fuckin’ spotlight on the Wall Street Journal's editorial team, who marked the Douchebro SCOTUS Ascension with...A CELEBRATORY RAPE JOKE!

Lindsey Graham, suffering from a potentially-terminal case of cancer of the decency, lamented that roles were reversed now, and that this time is was the MAN who was the “slut whore drunk,” when it is most typically slut whore women who are called “slut whore drunks,” with their slutty whorishness/drunkenness/sluttiness and whatnot. Insightful fellow, that Lindsey.

But the classiest take of all came from West Virginia city council Republijag Eric Barber, who couldn't contain his explosive glee, posting “Better get you’re [sic] coat hangers ready, liberals,” because what's funnier than women risking their lives after an oppressive theocratic government denies them the basic human right to govern their own bodies, right? RIGHT? TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF!!!!

In what I'm sure is Completely, Totally, Absolutely Unrelated News, a CNN generic congressional ballot poll released today showed women prefer Democratic candidates to Republican ones by a 63%-33% margin. How did this happen? Some things are simply beyond our ken.

And of course, at an inappropriately-politicized “swearing in” party, Shart Garfunkel himself declared Kavanaughty to be “proven innocent” which is 31 flavors of not true. The President rambled on, insisting that his new SCOTUS lackey invented toast, won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1985, and once climbed Mount Everest using only his dong. Whatever.

Oh, and Tangerine Idi Amin actually APOLOGIZED to the creepy drunken freak. Hasn't apologized to Dr. Ford, or the Khans, or Serge Kovaleski, or Katy Tur, or Megyn Kelly, or...fuck, I can't keep this up, I'll never finish this fucking blog.

Hey, remember that time Mike Pants went to a football game (well, the part right before the game, anyway) just to put on a little show about how he doesn't think the first amendment applies to black people? Turns out, that cost taxpayers at least $325,000!

I guess maybe vanity isn't a sin if somebody else foots the bill? Anyway, I for one am really looking forward to endless lectures on fiscal responsibility from the folks who pissed six figures away so the Vice President could wank off on the Constitution for ten minutes.

So, there was some big WAKE THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLES climate change report, right? I'm gonna level with you folks. I didn't read this. I'm kinda up to my eyeballs in fecal matter just keeping up with the day-to-day madness here, and I don't think it's wise to risk my already-precariously-teetering mood any further. It might lead me to switch out my beer for ether.

(I also haven't had time yet to read this piece about Trump and Alfa Bank, but it seems important. Tell you what, you read it, make up your own jokes, only find a place to say “Shart.” It'll be just I did the work, only...I didn't.)

I see Melania popped up just long enough to whine about people talking about how she dresses, which was extra amusing considering she was taking her Sexy Allan Quartermain Halloween costume out for a test drive...in Africa.

Oh hey, you're never gonna believe this, but one of Government Cheese Goebbels’ high-level appointees has done a bunch of racist/conspiracy theory crap online. I hope you had smelling salts on hand before you read that.

There is a hot new enemy of the state on the scene, and her name is Tay-Tay! Yes, Taylor Swift, who I am told is a pop star of some note, wrote a post about how Marsha Blackburn is hot trash, (because Marsha Blackburn is hot trash) and endorsed Phil Bredesen in the Tennessee Senate Race.

The good news is, Swift's message seems to have led to a spike in new voter registrations, even from young people! The even better news is, this sparked a massive (and massively hilarious) meltdown in the loser white nationalist community (I repeat myself), who had decided she was somehow one of them...for no real reason. Anyway, they're mad, and it's funny.

Now, as much fun as I had laughing at these bumbling assclowns, I honestly wonder...when white supremacists get together, does anyone ever point out, like, “Hey, waitasec...we're all morons. Every single one of us. How can a wobbly wad of blithering idiots be the master race?”

Former Trumpal security blanket Hope Hicks has been revealed as the Player to be Named Later in the swap between the Shart House and Fux Nooz, which landed Disgraced Pervert Enabler Bill Shine in her old job, because the whole right-wing political/media complex is just one big fever swamp full of the shittiest people on God's green Earth.

Seems Former Stooge/Current Stoolie Rick Gates solicited digital fuckery pitches from an Israeli company during the 2016 campaign. Once again, we seem to be in “We tried really really hard to collude with foreign operatives, but being the largest collection of malicious fuckwits ever assembled, we somehow failed to pull it off” as the "best" defense territory.

While we're on collusion, our old pal Peter Smith popped back up. No, he's still dead, shit isn't THAT cray (yet), but boy howdy he was up to some shady-ass shit trying to get ahold of Hilldawg's e-mails.

Hey, I know y’all haven't heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk for awhile. The Kavanaugh hearings were...hard on Bill. I found him behind an art supply store, sucking paint thinner from rags. How you holdin’ up, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE IN PEACE, CAP?

Gosh, I'm sorry Bill, just wanted to see if there was any abject horror the folks at home should know about?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Any abject horror? ANY ABJECT HORROR?

That's the question alright, Bill.


Oh...fuck. Yeah, Bill. Yeah it does. Jesus. Let me buy you a fresh bottle of paint thinner and leave you to your...day, I guess.

Checking in on the Big Dumb Trade War, the Bloated Blockhead's ego-driven tariffs have cost Ford A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS already, and somewhat unsurprisingly, they're about to start laying workers off. Because, y'know, the President's ego trip is more important than YOUR job.

It makes sense, when you think about it...after all, it was Obama who saved the auto industry, and we all know how much Fat Q*Bert loves undoing his predecessor's accomplishments...

Oh hey, make sure you find time for this new Fire Ted Cruz ad from the great Richard Linklater. I'm all for firing Ted, of course...the tricky part might be finding him. Fucker keeps running away from scheduled debates.

Didja see this bit of petty Obamacare fuckery? Once again, these rat bastards are scheduling unnecessary “maintenance time” during the already-shortened ACA enrollment period. Because your government doesn't want you to have health insurance, even though you're entitled to it. Your government is pro-You-Dying. Some call me a bleeding heart, but I think that's sort of a dick move.

I guess the big news of the day was Nikki Haley resigning as Shartboy's dutiful messenger/disappointment magnet at the United Nations. There were takes, my friends...dear lord, there were TAKES.

There's this weird need in almost every corner of the media to paint Haley as "the adult in the room” or “one of the good ones” because she doesn't use a letter opener carved from a human femur like Stephen Miller. Everyone's desperately ascribing noble motives like “Oh she quit in protest after the treatment of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford,” or “She just couldn't support his trade policies anymore.” Oh, you dear, sweet, children.

Nikki Haley is a garbage person. She was a garbage person long before Donald Trump came along. She's a lying authoritarian who has always used her power to the benefit of her wealthy donors, at the expense of everyday folks. She is 100% complicit in the Marmalade Shartcannon's disastrous foreign policy, which will damage this country for decades to come. She sucks. There are no bonus points for being Slightly Less Shitty Than Steve Bannon.

Like, if you're at a party with Cancer and Ebola, maybe hanging out by the cheese plate with Emphysema seems like your best option, but the point is that the party sucks.

Never-Trumpers feebly fantasized about a Haley 2020 primary challenge, vanquishing the Emperor of Outhouses and restoring Republican honor once and for all! You just want to pat them on their little heads, don't you? Sweetie. The fucker vanquished your entire primary field, from Jeb(!) to Pataki, by out-racisting and out misogning them. This is what your base IS. More grown-ups believe in the fucking Tooth Fairy than imagine the ravenous white nationalist GOP electorate would EVER back a non-white woman, especially while they still have Cheeto Jesus to bow before.

Speaking of the Never-Trumpers, by the way, recent days have yielded a bumper crop of “Wait, I think maybe we're the bad guys” think pieces from everybody from Colin Powell to Tom Nichols. My personal favorite was by Max Boot, who, bless his heart, has started to wonder if there isn't maybe a little racism in the Republican Party.

Racism? From Republicans? Surely you are mistaken, sir!

Anyhoo, on her way out, Haley gushed about how America had never been more respected by the rest of the world, as demonstrated by the fact that the Saudis certainly weren't kidnapping/murdering/dismembering critical journalists, and China totally wasn't even thinking about detaining the head of Interpol, because of all the Respect for America that keeps such things from happening.


Oh, and because we live in Hell, we even had to talk about Princess Ivanka maybe replacing Haley at the U.N. Donnie Two-Scoops clearly wants it, but he worries he'd be accused of nepotism. Hey, even a stopped clock, right?

Anyway, yeah, the Blue Wave has the Ratfink Brigade quakin’ in their boots, so their last desperate plan is to paint us as a violent mob that will surely break down your doors and set your Ted Nugent posters on fire, and also simultaneously just paid* protesters because gosh who could look on everything that's gone down these last couple of years with anything but gratitude and reverence?

Heh. It's too late, fuckheads. We're already INSIDE THE HOUSE. It's a (metaphorical) slasher movie, motherfuckers. We're picking you off, one at a time (non-violently, of course). A couple of you might survive (electorally, I mean), but the rest of you, we will END (with votes).


Introducing Shower Cap's 2018 Midterms Countdown Advent Calendar! (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey folks, slow news day with the “holiday,” so I’m doing something a little different tonight. Since we’re in the home stretch before our long-awaited opportunity to fire a bunch of complicit GOP assclowns in the 2018 midterms, I figured I’d put together a little somethin’ to help y’all pass the time.

So here it is, the Last Month Before the 2018 (Goddamn) Midterms Countdown Advent Calendar! A month’s worth of little doors, each featuring a different GOP jagoff, each concealing a unique treat! O how festive!

(Because this is something a little different, I’m keeping it juuuuuust on my site. Click here, you'll dig it: http://showercapblog.com/introducing-shower-caps-2018-midterms-countdown-advent-calendar/)

Regular news blog coming soon, probably tomorrow!

Love ya,

Shower Cap

(And in the meantime, I can’t thank you enough for all your donations via Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms! Finance that sweet sweet Blue Wave! A click away: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

Let's Just Purge All Our Kavanaugh/Collins Angst All at Once, and Move the Fuck On(Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey, today sure sucked, huh? I'll always remember October 5th, 2018 as the day Susan Collins droned endlessly on while somebody took a jackhammer to my crotch. Next year I'll bake a cake shaped like Susan Collins droning endlessly on while somebody takes a jackhammer to my crotch.

(It's a long one tonight. As always, you can find the post, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/lets-just-purge-all-our-kavanaugh-collins-angst-all-at-once-and-move-the-fuck-on/

Oh, and donate to all our super-rad Dem candidates, at: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

Yeah, shit’s good n’ righteously fucked up this week, Shower Captives. I know it's got you down. So let's start with the good news, because there's a fair amount of it, and you should let it fuel and inspire you.

The fight for the House is going well. 60 different Democratic House candidates raised a million bucks or more in the 3rd quarter, indicative of an enthusiasm that a handful of conservative mega-donors can't hope to match. Republicans have already started backing out of races they view as unwinnable, abandoning some high-profile incumbents in the process.

Mom's-Basement-Dweller/Ring Around the Toilet Some Call the “Manosphere” Roosh V has closed down his pathetic little woman-hating website, because like all MRAs (look it up), he's a big ol' loser. The stunted man-children of the internet will now have one fewer site to hang out and radicalize each other on. Why? Because a shaming campaign cut him off from advertisers and payment platforms. Activism in action.

Speaking of scuzzbag hatemongers facing crippling financial consequences, I'm pleased to report that the economic dogpile burying emotional terrorist Alex Jones has been enthusiastically joined by...Alex Jones! Yessir, with revenue streams plummeting after getting banned from every significant social media platform, Captain BBQ Nips has decided to burn through his dwindling cash reserves in a fruitless lawsuit against PayPal, perhaps imagining that screaming “I WAS TOO BUSY HARASSING SANDY HOOK PARENTS TO READ THE TERMS OF SERVICE” might be a viable legal argument.

The Washington Times lost a lawsuit, and was forced to retract a column spreading baseless conspiracy theories about Seth Rich's murder, because daily gaslighting notwithstanding, the truth still matters, goddammit. The truth can still win out, and does, and you shouldn't forget that.

And just to smother these Good News biscuits in schadenfreude gravy, four more white nationalist colontumors are behind bars right now, facing charges for inciting violence in Charlottesville. Knock yourselves out chanting “You will not replace us” in the prison laundry room, you little skidmarks.

See, I know shit feels hopeless sometimes. I know the last two years have felt like a herd of drunken frat boys slapping you in the face with sacks full of dog turds, day in, day out. I know you're sick to death of it.

But y'see, our culture stomping on malignant imps like Roosh and Jones shows you that we have all this pent-up justice-seeking energy massing, straining for any outlet for release. You see it in the eagerness to track down every viral-video racist shitworm and make sure they face consequences for their hatefulness. You see it in our fundraising. You see it in your own social media feed, don't you?

Our Constitution, bless its heart, demands that we live with the consequences of any given national election for two whole years, like rubbing a dog's nose in the mess he made, I guess. We've had the will to take our country back this whole time, all we've lacked is the mechanism. But in just one short month, we get to VOTE again, friends. And then everything changes.

So yeah, the rest of the news is pretty shitty. It's full of terrible people doing terrible things, because so much of the power in this country is concentrated in the hands of outhouse-souled rat bastards. For now, anyway. But not forever.

I say, let this crap get under your skin. All of it. Every little bit of it, from the petty to genuinely abominable. Let it piss you off. It SHOULD piss you off. It'd piss any decent person off. Get so goddamn angry that you can't rest easy until you've sandblasted this repugnant political ragecult out of every nook and cranny of the country you love.

President Truck Stop Gas Station Urinal Cake, who famously can't be bothered to read multi-page national security briefings, somehow found the time to yell at a sketch comedy show again. Nice to see, nearly halfway through his term, the Dotard still understands the Streisand Effect about as well as he understands the economy.

You sort of figure that a lot of governing these days revolves around a handful of Miller-esque staffers, on Skype with Bannon and Gorka, browsing the legal code in search of whatever avenues for institutional bigotry, however large or small, fall under the purview of the executive branch.

They found one this week.

Team Veryfinepeople decided to stop issuing visas for the same-sex partners of visiting diplomats unless they're legally married. But, because so few foreign nations have legalized marriage equality, this is ultimately a quick n’ easy way to HURT PEOPLE, which is of course the chief aim of the ruling regime. It doesn't make one single American's life one bit better, it's just one more example of these resentment-driven colontermites saying, “We have the power to stick our thumb in your eye, and therefore we will do so.”

Oh, and the bastards are even rolling back regulations on radiation exposure, going so far as to suggest a little radiation might even be GOOD for you, kinda like a single glass of red wine with dinner! I dunno, guys. With all the rage you fucks're kicking up these days, I would be particularly cautious about creating potential Hulks.

(See, at this point, you're already well past being Mad Enough to Vote. You're Mad Enough to Make Sure Everybody You Know is Voting, right? And we're just gettin’ warmed up.)

Cuz now we can talk about the atrocities unearthed in the IG report on DHS's family separation policy, from the shameless dishonesty of administration officials, to the clusterfuck execution, to the horror of cells with nooses and guards laughing derisively at “suicide failures.”

Hear that? If anybody's still clutching at their pearls, insisting “it can't happen here?” It's happening here. That's the banality of human evil, right there. On American soil. By American citizens. It's happening. It happened. Are you angry yet? Well, what are you going to DO about it?

Tucker Carlson's steady transformation into the mouthpiece of a totalitarian government in a low-budget sci-fi TV series continues apace, as he's now openly babbling about "white genocide.” Nobody wants white genocide, you silly boy. We might take a look at culling some of the squinty, pompous, bloviating, propagandists, especially if they have Douchey-Parent-in-a-John-Hughes-Movie haircuts, but we haven't finalized the plans yet.

The Failing New York Times published a massive expose, laying out the Grand Wizard Grifter's lifetime of serious financial crimes. It's a beautiful piece of journalism, revealing all sorts of fuckery from the merely shady to the downright felonious, and it's all impeccably documented. It would have ended any one of the first 44 Presidencies within a week.

But because the modern Republican Party is so completely lawless, the immediate consequences for Boss Shart fell somewhere between jack shit and fuckall.

Does that make you mad? It makes me mad. It makes me want to install a Democratic House majority, so these claims can be investigated by folks who think maybe the President shouldn't be a gangster.

In the meantime, we can all enjoy New York State and City using the NYT story as the basis for new efforts to claw back the swindled money. Gosh, between this and all the legal fees, you have to wonder if the Swiss Family Robinshart will even be able to afford cigarettes in the prison commissary when all is said and done.

Oh, and we got further confirmation that Fat Q*Bert lied about his role in the whole Stormy Daniels payoff melodrama, denting his popularity with so-called “evangelical Christians” nary a whit, despite the whole “lawbreaking/lying about infidelity” thing, and I tell ya, folks, I'm really starting to get suspicious of all these megachurch pastors’ moralizin’.

Things're actually looking crappy all-around on Shartboy's financial front these days. Forbes informs us his net worth took a billion-dollar crotch-punt over the last year, perhaps because Charging the Secret Service to Pee hasn't panned out as a major new revenue stream. Turns out, when your business is branding, it ain't good when your brand becomes synonymous with “Evil Perpetrated by Racist Boneheads.”

And hey, we all got the Presidential alert on our phones, right? I guess Shart Garfunkel still hasn't found his own dick, and was wondering if anybody else had seen it? He's gettin’ panicky.

We're told Stephen Miller, who somehow manages to be a white supremacist even though it's Obviously Inadequate Stephen Miller staring back at him in the mirror every day, very nearly talked Boss Dotard into banning all Chinese students from studying in America, which would've provided the Dirtbag Double Whammy of serving Miller's relentless, animating, racism and sticking it to those librul elites with their book-learning and their tolerance and their VERDAMMTE HEADS FULL OF THICK, LUXURIANT HAIR.

Ok, let's do the Kavanaugh shit. Let's just dive into this overflowing vomitorium of horror, and roll around in it. Has to be done.

We spent the week waiting on the FBI investigation into the allegations against Kavanaugh. Little did we know we weren't getting an ACTUAL investigation, but rather a little kid dressed up in a 10 dollar Wal-Mart Halloween costume of an investigation.

See, the FBI didn't interview all of the relevant witnesses. They didn't talk to Avenatti's new client, because they decided her accusation wasn't credible, BECAUSE REASONS, though Avenatti later issued a sworn statement from a corroborating witness. They failed to follow up with a list of potential witnesses presented by Deborah Ramirez, because the Shart House told them not to.

They were also forbidden from looking into whether Kavanaugh lied under oath about his college drinking, likely because Kavanaugh clearly lied under oath about his college drinking. It'd be funnier if it wasn't staggering corruption that will effect millions of folks' lives for decades.

Well, it was good enough to prompt the inevitable foot-shufflin', aw-shucks speech from Senator Eeyore, excuse me, “Jeff Flake,” who said, "Garsh, I only asked for an investigation, I shoulda gone and specified that it needed t'be a GOOD one, but I didn't, anyhoo I vote Aye.”

Ben Sasse must've been studying at Flake's jittery knee, since he gave a big weepy/phony speech about how #MeToo is a really important thing and believing women is another important thing even though he won’t be believing these particular women because he really really wants this particular fellow on the Supreme Court so he can take away all the very-believable women's reproductive rights.

You might expect Drumpfy to exercise a little caution with so much on the line, but caution is not the Velveeta Vulgarians style, insomuch as a septuagenarian who can neither tie a tie nor order a steak can be said to possess "style.” And so he couldn't stop himself from casually insulting a female reporter in front of the whole fucking world. "I know you're not thinking. You never do,” he blurted, and I suppose we should give him credit for declining to high-five himself over this sickest of burns.

Now, ME, if I were a widely-loathed President, lookin’ down the business end of a midterm ass-kicking courtesy of a historic gender gap, that's the kind of shit I'd avoid.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag could be seen, cackling like teen rom-com villain's sidekick at the offhandedly sexist dig. I wonder if he'll be as amused when he's fending off subpoenas next spring, after fed-up Americans conduct a mass-firing of his boss’ craven Congressional enablers?

Oh, and afterwards, the gaslighting brigade had the official transcript doctored to make it look like Donnie Two-Scoops had said, “I know you're not THANKING,” like some sort of 1984 coloring book.

A bunch of law professors sent a letter saying “Don't confirm this unhinged jagoff.” A bunch of church leaders sent their own letter saying “Maybe find somebody less rapey and more honest?” The stray cats in my neighborhood constructed an elaborate turd mural in the alley behind building, spelling "KavaNOPE” in perfect, glistening cat shit. Even John Paul Stevens pointed out the obvious: we can do better than this jackass, and we should.

Still, we quickly arrived at the Carpet Bomb the Victim portion of the shitshow. The full force of the Republican Party and their propaganda apparatus are coming down on Dr. Ford, and the other accusers. They're now all STD-ridden deep state dominatrix sex maniacs who self-hypnotize to beat lie detector tests and run child sex slavery rings out of pizza restaurants, prolly. It's all insanely ridiculous and easily debunked, but never forget how ready the Rube Army is to believe anything terrible about a perceived enemy; who needs evidence when you have HATE?

And now, if you find any comment thread on any internet platform even touching on the subject, you'll find Christine Blasey Ford is as reviled by the rank-and-file MAGAt crowd as Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton, spoken of in the most disgusting terms imaginable. And at the Marmalade Shartcannon’s rallies, the feral hordes madly scream, “Lock her up!”

Speaking of the rallies, yeah, let's swim to the very bottom of this septic tank. You don't need me to tell what happened; you saw it yourself. The President of the United States, looking as proud as can be, openly mocked a sexual assault survivor, to the delight of the Shittiest White Folks in All Mississippi.

Shit, I'm not even mad about that one. That one bit, that one gag with its smirking cruelty and casual male supremacy, generated thousands of dollars in donations to Dem candidates, and mobilized God only knows how many tens of thousands of work hours from door-knockers and phone-bankers. That riff, Lil’ Man Shart, will be the difference-maker in more than one Congressional race next month. I hope you enjoyed the laugh, it'll prove to be one very expensive joke.

I'm starting to think maybe John McCain was Lindsey Graham's last Horcrux, and now that he's finally shed the burden of the last fragment of his human soul, he's simply embracing the dark, pulsating core of evil that pumps not blood, but a black, acidic, tar through his veins. He's betting on hard on Trumpism even as the day of Trumpism's comeuppance looms, and I'm really looking forward to it blowing up in his face.

After a few days of protests, Mitch McConnell and his merry band of geriatric scumfucks found room for themselves beneath the blanket of Real Victimhood they hastily threw over Kavanaugh. Yertle's even speechifyin’ about how his jaunty crew of Wealthy n’ Powerful Old Guys will not be “intimidated” by the marauding armies of...sexual assault survivors.

And every time Chuck Grassley opens the puckered sphincter he has for a mouth, he spits out something even more vile and hateful than the last time, like the old racist grandparent you had to stop taking out to dinner because he uses ethnic slurs to call the waitress. Seriously, EVERY TIME HE SPEAKS.

Ol’ Upchuck even leant support to his Turd Emperor's crazed conspiracy theory that those weren't REAL sexual assault survivors protesting everywhere over the last week! Naw, they were paid protestors, financed by the malicious, shadowy, billionaire Jew Cabal! No worries! Just the most powerful men in the nation, belching up talking points from the darkest, frothiest, corners of the far-right!

Orrin Hatch is...no better.

John Cornyn, who had his shame surgically removed some time ago, had the audacity to compare the Senate GOP's gaggle of Dust-Covered Old White Dudes Who Smell Like a Roadside Antique Mall to...Atticus Freakin’ Finch. Truly, who can forget Atticus’ immortal line, “Before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself, and all those millions in Koch bros donations make livin’ with myself easier than you might think!”

Also, “It's a sin to drunkenly rub your penis in someone's face, Scout. JUST KIDDING, BOYS WILL BE BOYS!!!!!”

See, these old fools don't get it. We can force the CEO of a major media conglomerate out over this crap in less than a week, but we have to wait a bit before we can fire politicians. Somehow these twits will wake up on November 7th, shellshocked that cynically repeating the Anita Hill playbook failed to reap wild rewards in 2018.

Brettwurst himself published a self-pitying little editorial in the Wall Street Journal, very carefully avoiding an actual apology for his infantile, partisan, tantrum at his hearing while acknowledging that throwing an infantile, partisan, tantrum was not a good look and promising not to throw further infantile, partisan, tantrums once he gets confirmed to his lifetime appointment and elevated beyond consequences once and for all. Well, he seems like such an honest fellow, why shouldn't we take him at his word?

A quick sidebar, this whole debacle wound up giving us possibly the Most Republican Thing Ever: Senator Steve Daines, y'see, might've had trouble making tomorrow's final Kavanaugh vote, since he's attending his daughter's wedding. But never fear, Montana CongressJag Greg Gianforte, who is both stupid rich and a violent criminal, said, “No worries, you can borrow my private jet so you can zoom back to D.C. and entrench corporate hegemony for another few decades! Try not to bodyslam any reporters at the nuptials!"

And finally, in shittiest climax this side of of a DC comics movie, America was subjected to a monotonous, comically dishonest tirade from Susan Collins, which I can only assume is still ongoing even as you read this. She talked about how important the #MeToo movement is when it's forcing Democratic senators to resign, but when it stands in the way of something Republicans want, then the accusers are dirty lying whores who shouldn't be trusted.

And that website? The one that's been raising pledged funds to finance Collins’ 2020 Dem challenger? It CRASHED today. Because October 5th, 2018 will go down in history as many, many things, chief among them Day One of Senator Susan Collins’ farewell tour. Potential challengers are already surfacing.

Woooooooooo that was some rough shit, folks. Feels like I was locked in a dryer full of sandpaper and badgers. Overnight. I'm covered in sweat and piss and shit and blood, and I'm itchin’ for a fight. I could sure use a little good news.

What's this? The Mueller investigation is seizing a whole bunch of Precocious Paul Manafort's property and money? Well dang if that didn't put the spring right back in my step!

Folks, it's been a pretty damn enraging stretch. I'm reminded of a dear, departed friend's favorite quote:

“Don't let the bastards grind you down.”

We lost today. Tomorrow, we win. We win BIG.

Take their power away.

Never give it back.

This Kavanaugh vote? It's gonna end a lot of Republican careers. A LOT. That ain't a prediction, by the way, that's a SPOILER.

And with that, I will leave you with one last link. May you find it inspirational. Remember, the people we're fighting are terrible, but they are also buffoons.

Kavanaugh, Graham, Grassley, & Co. Rage Against the Dying of the Whites (Ferret/ShowerCap)

This one was hard, friends. For the first time, shit was so abominable, I didn't WANT to blog about it. The news has been like a cheese grater, slowly, painfully, eroding my brain into a pile of taco toppings. I wanna stick my head in a sauna till it sweats out the memory of every single moment of the Kavanaugh hearing.

As always, you can find this post, with all relevant news links, at:
And please, please, check out the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide, and get in the fight: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/

It seems like a decade ago, when we enjoyed a little chuckle watching the Hairplug That Ate Decency belch up his usual dogbowlful of self-aggrandizing nonsense at the United Nations, only to have the world laugh directly in his sharty little face. All the fear he imagines he inspires, the respect he so desperately craves, and he was roundly, openly, mocked without a second thought. And though you'd normally feel a twinge of patriotic anger to see your President so humiliated on the world stage, with this bloated assclown, your only regret is that you weren't there to take take the diplomats out for a beer later.

Oh, and the Velveeta Vulgarian, who has of late been test-driving various excuses for his imminent midterm spanking, accused China of meddling in the elections because hey why not? One thing I'll say for MAGA nation, it must be fun having your Bible written and re-written in real time. "What do we believe today? Who are we supposed to love now that we hated a week ago?” George Orwell seriously underestimated how much FUN it could be to resculpt reality to suit the fleeting needs of a moment.

Speaking of pathetic Republicans who get no respect largely because they deserve none, Rand Paul's shady little proposal to lift sanctions on his new BFF, Vlad Putin, over that one thing when Russia INVADED UKRAINE AND SEIZED CRIMEA, of course went down in flames. One of these days, us taxpayers should bill Rand for all the valuable government time he wastes with these little stunts of his. I'm sure they impress the college libertarian clubs, though.

A memo surfaced proving DHS Secretary/Child Concentration Camp Supervisor Kirstjen Nielsen was lying when she repeatedly claimed family separation was not the Shart Administration's official policy. Reading about this made me nostalgic for the time when this story would've rocked the nation and led to Nielsen’s resignation at the speed of fucking light, instead of drifting by, a barely-noticed blip in a news cycle so accustomed to atrocity that shit like this is almost boring. Then I got even more nostalgic for the time when anyone proposing family separation would have been chased out of government, because only a monster would propose something so monstrous.

The Daily Beast got ahold of a memo (memos out the wazoo this week, apparently) allegedly detailing the famous Seychelles meeting between Legit Sinister Mercenary Erik Prince and a sanctioned Russian oligarch dirtbag. You know, I'm starting to think that maybe Erik's initial claim, that they merely engaged in a light-hearted debate about whether Chicago was better with or without Peter Cetera, might have been somewhat less than honest.

And Sarah Palin's garbage spawn has been arrested for domestic violence. Again. Anybody else tired of being moralized at by the slavering hordes of rubes who idolize the ethical/political version of the Hills Have Eyes family?

Further trouble in Shartopia as a judge ruled an emoluments clause lawsuit filed by Democratic Congressfolk can proceed, potentially shutting down one of the Grand Wizard Grifter's chief remaining revenue streams: open bribery by foreign governments. Anyway, I'm thinking of launching a series of collectible trading cards, each depicting a different lawsuit targeting our oh-so-criminal President. Every pack would come with a piece of stale chewing gum, flavored like overdone steak with ketchup.

Whelp, that's about everything, I think, so I'll sign off with...what's that? I'm leaving something out?

Ok, fine. Let's address the elephant in the room. The revolting, lying, rapey, shouty, totally immoral elephant in the room. The elephant that is trying to break out of the room and trample everything that's good and decent in America to tiny bits.

Y'know what, in honor of Judge Kavanaugh, let's structure this as a sort of drinking game in reverse. Every time you read about some Sack-of-Shit Republican saying or doing something so vile it makes you wanna retch, go ahead and retch! Whoever fills up their barf bag quickest, wins. Actually, looking at this shit, you might wanna bring a 10 gallon garbage can.

(And if I miss anything, it's probably because I've been jabbing my brain with an ice pick in an effort to destroy the memories of this Most Hideous and Dispiriting Week.)

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony was devastating. Frankly it seems kinda disrespectful to even talk about it here, considering the tone of this blog.

I suppose I could mention where Dr. Ford's own father isn't publicly supporting her because he's worried about losing his membership in his conservative country club, but I probably shouldn't because that story's so sad, so deeply fucked up, it might just crush whatever light remains in your heart.

The all-male GOP contingent on Judiciary, whose cumulative age eclipses the entire history of the planet if you're a creationist, were too terrified to do their jobs (begging the question, “Why the fuck do you deserve to be Senators?", outsourcing their questioning to a female sex crimes prosecutor.

The prosecutor didn't kick up much dust, honestly, despite visiting the popular right-wing jagosphere theory that Ford claimed to be afraid of flying but still flew sometimes, thus conclusively proving her to be a lying jezebel who lies about all things simply because lying feels so good to her dirty, lying, heart.

On the other hand, witnessing their behavior around the hearing, you can understand why they made that particular call.

Chuck Grassley fumed and sputtered in rage about perceived procedural slights, and while there was a tremendous amount of bad-faith bloviating going on, I think we should give Chuckles the presumption of honesty here: this is a man who truly believes a momentary delay in the mad dash to confirm an ill-tempered partisan hack to the Supreme Court is a significantly greater sin than any mere sexual assault.

Orrin Hatch, looking like a thumb that's been submerged in the bathtub for too long, and acting like an out-of-touch old fart who's been in the U.S. Senate for too long, paraded the judgement that's apparently been Good Enough for Utah for decades, commenting on Ford's...attractiveness. Congratulations, Orrin...you've made me feel like replacing your ancient ass with a flimsy weathervane like Willard Romney will qualify as a significant upgrade. Jesus.

Kavanaugh's testimony was...wow. I dunno, if I was looking to get appointed to the Supreme Court, I might try to avoid coming off like a screeching, hostile, untrustworthy, maniac, but that's just me.

He whined a whole bunch. He invented conspiracy theories involving the Clintons, which is, um, TOTALLY INSANE AND DISQUALIFYING. He frequently seemed to imply “I got into Yale” as somehow providing ironclad proof that he couldn't possibly have ever had a drinking problem, which ironically served only to prove that he's not intellecutally qualified for the gig he's applying for. Oh, and he vowed vengeance on his enemies, which is...not really a good look for a SCOTUS justice, in my humblest of opinions. He may have said something about beer, I don't really remember.

He mouthed off to Senator Amy Klobuchar, mockingly throwing her questions about getting blackout drunk back in her face mere moments after she spoke of being raised by an alcoholic father. To her eternal credit, Klobuchar didn't immediately slap the smug jackass right out of his shoes; she clearly has a temperament suited to her lofty post, whereas Kavanaugh was practically smearing the walls of the hearing room with his own shit.

Most notably, he lied. He lied a whole fucking bunch. He's lied about big shit and utterly inconsequential shit. He told huge, comical lies about the lewd terms from his yearbook page (No, Senator, you misunderstand! By “donkey punch,” I mean the cucumber-tinged water we'd give the family mule as a treat on special occasions like Xmas and his birthday!)...frankly, I'm no longer even confident that his name is Brett.

And then Lindsey Graham, Senator/Confederate LARPer from the great state of South Carolina, stood up and proclaimed at the top of his lungs, “With GAWD as my witness, women will never vote for me again!”

With all the demonstrative self-righteousness of a community theatre actor playing Atticus Finch, Lindsey lectured the world for its cruel persecution of the privileged white guy who only wanted to have his crimes swept under the rug so that he might sit in judgment of others from a post of unimpeachable power for the rest of his life. Then the Senator pointed his finger and accused Democrats of trying to STEAL A SUPREME COURT SEAT and Irony dropped stone cold dead.

(Between the hearings, Lindsey hatefully dismissed a sexual assault survivor, because the old bastard is just leanin’ into the evil now. He's gonna pop up on Meet the Press next week, casually snacking on a bowl of live kittens.)

Some suggested Graham was acting all Trumpy as part of an audition to replace Ol’ Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III as Attorney General. Y’all are thinking too small. All that showy depravity? Shouting the vilest, most dishonest crap at the top of your lungs while simultaneously wallowing in phony victimhood? No no, this southern gent is looking to inherit the reins of the whole damn deplorable herd some day...

One after another, the Withered Hate Raisins of the GOP Senate Judiciary team weighed in, looking like Sith Lords that had retired to Florida, gotten really into shuffleboard, and let themselves go. Kennedy, Cornyn, Sasse...like some sort of hideous Old White Guy Beauty Pageant, where every contestant accidentally prepared the same “talent,” and that talent was spewing out the last mustard gas wheeze of Shitty White Dude Privilege.

And isn't it weird that of all the assembled assholes, Ted Cruz of all people was on his best behavior? You'd almost think he was facing an unexpectedly competitive re-election fight or somethin’.

And then I lost a ton of fuckin’ money in a pool I've been running, because JEFF FLAKE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Yes, the Arizona Senator/Occasional Hatrack, having been confronted in an elevator by a group of sexual assault survivors, appears to have finally been shamed into actually backing up his oft-and-loudly-professed morals! I'll give you some time to fact-check that; I scarcely believe it myself.

Yes, Senator Paperweight sat through the sham hearing Friday morning with a pained expression, as if to say, “something about this situation, where we're dismissing the credible accusations of a sexual assault survivor as the raving of a deluded she-idiot who simply cannot tell one man from another, isn't quite...right.” And he hemmed and he hawed and he put his foot down and proclaimed “THIS TRAVESTY SHALL NOT STAND! THIS TRAVESTY MUST BE POSTPONED! FOR ABOUT A WEEK! BUT CERTAINLY NO LONGER THAN THAT!” Because in the end, he's still Jeff Flake, and we can't expect too much of him.

So we've got a week. Make some NOISE, Resisters. Make noise like you've travelled back in time to the last-ever Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers concert, and they're backstage but they haven't played Free Fallin’ yet.

And of course, now the word is that Shart House lawyer Conman Don McGahn gets to hard-pick the topics and witnesses the FBI is allowed to investigate. They can talk to Sean Connery about what it was like making MEDICINE MAN, but they're not allowed to interview Kavanaughty's college classmates about all that drinking he lied about. Under oath. AT HIS FUCKING SUPREME COURT CONFIRMATION HEARING.

They haven't even interviewed Dr. Ford yet, for fuck's sake! Is this sham really gonna be enough to allow Susan Collins to go on pretending she doesn't understand precisely what's going down here?

I tell ya folks, there's so much corruption and rot, I expect the White House to disintegrate and blow way in the wind, leaving Shart Garfunkel exposed, pants around his ankles, on the gold-plated toilet you know he's had installed behind the Resolute Desk.

Oh, and Littlefinger and Kim Jong-un fooled around and fell in love, to hear our perpetually-embarrassing President tell it. Senile old fucker's trying to blow up relations with Canada, while he's swapping scented notes between classes with a MASS FUCKING MURDERER.

I think we should remake West Side Story with Drumpfy and Kim. I also think we should make the Americans the Sharks, because that'll really chafe Stephen Miller's ass.

Fuck, y’all. I'm wrecked by the this shit. I'd cover Elon Musk and Kanye West, but my head would surely explode. I generally try to leave y’all on an up note, or a gag, but I can't do that today. Instead here's one last link, one final reminder of the unspeakable evil we're fighting. Read it, roll up your sleeves, and get to work; the midterms are closer than ever.
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