TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalOn Presidential Pardons, Pruitt's Pens, and Petulant Pedophiles (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey hey, Shower Captives. First weekend update in awhile, trying to get back to the old schedule. I'm swinging between extremes of laughing my ass at off at the absurd incompetence of the reigning regime and weeping uncontrollably at their cruelty, so cut me some slack if I break down in the middle of this shit.
(As always, I invite you to poke around on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/on-presidential-pardons-pruitts-pens-and-petulant-pedophiles/)
Ok, so the Marmalade Shartcannon pardoned felonious troll Dinesh D'Souza. Now, I understand this is a genuine abuse of power, and that it's a signal to all his crooked cronies who find themselves targets of Johnny Law, but can we just take a moment to appreciate how bonehead fucking dumb it is?
HIM SAY GUD THINGZ BOUT ME ON TEEVEE! ME GIV HIM PARDUN!
Y'know, if this cud-chewing doofus had half a fucking brain in his head, if he were mentally capable of fully exploring his capacity to abuse the powers of his office, we would be righteously fucked, folks. Instead it's “If I charge the secret service to piss at my club, I can make a couple bucks,” and “give the funny TV man a pardon.”
...and now he wants to pardon Martha Stewart and Rod Blagojevich*? Fucking of COURSE he does. Prison is for nobodies, not celebrities. Helluvan ethical system you've got there, Fuck-O.
Whelp, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits launched his pudding-brained trade war on America's closest allies. The E.U., Canada, and Mexico promptly announced retaliatory tariffs, as everyone knew they would, (Justin Trudeau in particular hulked the fuck out, which had to feel good after so many months of gritting his teeth and placating the spoiled toddler he's been babysitting.) so now, lucky us, we the American people get to pay the price for this dope's bullheaded bullying!
Take, for example, Iowa's pork industry. Already crotch-punted by Sharthead's trade policy to the tune of $560 million. Nice job with those electoral votes, Iowa.
This, of course, is how the world will treat Lil’ Donnie's trade war. They'll hyper-target his base, and swing states, and just keep punching our economy in the dick until he either caves or gets replaced. That's not a threat, that's a spoiler. In the meantime, a whole lot of Americans have to suffer needlessly. Many will lose their jobs. And all to placate one buffoon's insatiable ego.
Of course President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive thinks he's just getting warmed up. Visions of a total ban on German luxury cars from the American market apparently dance in his head like sugarplum fairies (or more likely, teenage beauty pageant contestants changing), because after all what is the President's job if not to hand-select which products we're allowed to buy?
Along the same lines, Team Turdwaffle is said to be toying with a plan to force companies to purchase energy from coal and nuclear plants no matter what that dumb ol’ free market says, because he literally wants to reshape the entire country's economy to serve his rage-filled base, no matter the cost. Expect an executive order forcing Elizabeth Warren to work as Joe Arpaio's butler any day now.
Anyway, everybody is mad at America for these dickbag trade moves, and all the other Finance Ministers at the G7 meeting made Steve Mnuchin sit in the corner, and they laughed at him and called him names, and wouldn't let poor Mnuchbag join in any Finance Minster games.
NPR released a hilarious recording of Michael Cohen auditioning for a community theatre production of DO I AMUSE YOU?: THE GOODFELLAS MUSICAL. The former - hang on, I'm being told this recording is of an actual attempt by Cohen to threaten a journalist, in real life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
We haven't heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk in some time, but he said he had some stuff for us today. What's the latest in Abject Horror, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: (quivers in silent revulsion)
Welllllll...I assume you want to talk about the Florida jury that awarded the family of a black man killed by police a settlement totaling four dollars, later reduced to four cents, and then reduced to nothing at all?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, Cap, that's pretty fucking disgusting. What kind of monstrous crotchtumor trolls a grieving family?
I got nuthin', Bill, that's fucking gross. Anyhow, the n-
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WAIT!
Sorry, what?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm...not done.
Oh...uh, go ahead Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I...I can't. It's too horrible. Even for me.
Sure you can, Bill. Just take a deep breath, spit it out, and we'll move on to the rest of the news.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Ok. Soooooooooooo...there's this congressional candidate in Virginia and he's a white supremacist who did time in prison for threatening to kill Obama and that's not even CLOSE to the worst part because he's also a pedophile who runs a message board for incels and raped his wife and advocates shit that's even worse than what I've listed here but I won't subject anybody to that, click here only if you have a strong stomach.
(Long uncomfortable silence. Bill and Cap both vomit.)
Jesus. That's dark shit. Allow me to lift your spirits a smidge before we move on, with the following tale of Scumfuck Comeuppance:
HuffPo journalist Luke O'Brien dug up the identity of an Unusually Hateful Even For Twitter Islamophobic Troll (and shudder at the implications of that phrase), who was perfectly happy to vomit up the nastiest, most dehumanizing shit from the comfort of anonymity, but is melting down now that she's lost her safe space.
Yes, Amy Mekelburg now has to own her vileness for the first time, and she thinks that's unfair! Her husband lost his job (GOOD), and now she's devoting herself to an all-new crusade: WHINING. Drop by her Twitter profile, where she's gushing tears so hard I hope the levees in her town are in good repair. I don't get it, Amy! If the cause is so noble, why have you been so reticent to sign your name to it?
Bloomberg says Shartolo Colon's net worth dropped $100 million over the last year, as the Trump brand's desirability settled down somewhere between “explosive diarrhea” and “oozing scrotum pustule.” I wonder if the Bloomberg estimate fully compensates for all the taxpayer money Fuckhead is grifting, though. You known this goon stuffs his pockets with silverware before leaving work.
Donnie Two-Scoops had to fly down to Texas to beg rich people for money, and General Kelly told him that due to the proximity to the latest school shooting, he had to meet with some of the victims’ families, and Donnie whined “Do you I have to?” and Kelly said “Yes you have to, and try to show a little empathy,” and the President said, “What's empathy?” and they convened a meeting with every single person in their entire misbegotten administration and not one of them could answer that question.
The meeting went better than expected, but only because the President refrained from hitting on any of the grieving mothers. Also, he only referred to the murderer as “wacky,” rather than “a very fine person,” so y'know...baby steps.
So, Homeland Security says they found traces of “surveillance devices for intercepting cellphone calls and texts...operating near the White House,” which is SUPER WEIRD because it's not like President refuses to obey security protocols and insists on using an unsecured phone OH WAIT. In Sharty McFly's defense, he's probably just trying to make his Russian supervisors’ jobs easier, so in a way he's being thoughtful.
So the frothy band of trolls we call “the American right,” butthurt over the 100% justified firing of that one shitty sitcom lady and desperate to claim a reciprocal scalp of their own, play-acted a little faux outrage over Sam Bee saying the naughty c-word, and we all laughed at them because they somehow imagine that, after enthusiastically supporting a man of such obscene words and deeds as Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “What, is it weird that I talk so much about being sexually attracted to my daughter?”) they have any moral high ground to preach from.
Dorito Mussolini himself weighed in, suggesting Bee should lose her job, because it's much more fun to casually shit on the first amendment than to slog through all that other boring President work like “Learning about the complexities of diplomacy with North Korea before demanding a Nobel Prize.”
Anyway, on the one hand, it's appalling to see the President of the United States using his pulpit to attempt to punish a private citizen for critical speech. On the other, it's kind of fun because he totally fucking failed, which is the one thing he does best.
And leading conservative intellectual Niall Ferguson apparently colluded with young Republicans at Stanford to acquire “opposition research” on a liberal student, and I honestly can't imagine anything more pathetic than that. Niall's whining on the internet about conservatism going extinct on campuses, and hey, maybe part of the reason for that is how your movement has devolved into a giant pile of the shittiest people on Earth acting like total scumbags? Like, say, award-winning historians digging up dirt on fucking college kids? For example?
Also, a Florida Republican, a Rubio campaign figure and former state lawmaker, is somehow confused, and even indignant, that her comparison of former President Barack Obama to a cartoon monkey is being interpreted by libtard snowflakes as kinda racist. That happened in real life, friends. Real. Life.
And Rick Santorum said something stupid. Story at 11.
The feral rubes of Cult 45 have turned on Trey Gowdy for refusing to parrot Pumpkin Spice Himmler's ridiculous “spygate” lies. Gowdy sat alone in his study, gazing mournfully out the window while reflecting on his own role in his once-proud political party's decent into madness and HAHAHAH just kidding self-awareness is for CUCKS.
The latest target of the Mueller investigation is Jared Kushner's close, personal, friend, and holy shit, y’all, Jar-Jar has FRIENDS?!?!? I'm having a hard time figuring out how anyone could sit down and listen to that creepy, reedy, ghost-of-a-car-alarm voice of his for any substantial length of time.
I feel like I've written thirty different versions of this paragraph, but here we go again...the Candycorn Skidmark tipped off the markets about the month's jobs data, which he is absolutely not allowed to do. Once again, this would have been the single biggest scandal of the entire fucking Obama administration, the GOP would've dragged him from his bed and crucified him on the White House lawn, and it's BARELY A STORY here on the malfunctioning Ferris Wheel of Scandal we've been trapped on for FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DAYS.
Hilarious little article on Politico about how the Shart of the Deal is actually exceptionally crappy at deals. The Apprentice negotiation details are particularly choice. I tell you folks, as an experienced haggler...I'm confident I could take him.
I have never enjoyed anything in my life as much as Scott Pruitt enjoys wasting taxpayer money. Now we find out he's been spending thousands of dollars on fancypants pens. PENS. There's a certain breed of douchey businessjag types who subscribe to the notion of the Ridiculously Overpriced Pen as a status symbol. Me, I think that's silly. I'll spend 80 bucks total on pens over the course of my entire life, thanks. Leaves more money for the really important things, like superhero masks and bathrobes.
Are there any spending scandals left for Pruitt? Is there any more corruption he can squeeze in? Front page of the Post tomorrow: “EPA Chief Pruitt Employs ‘Toenail Steward’ to Preserve His Clippings for Posterity, at $350,000 annual salary.”
...and then by Thursday we find out he was having the toenail clippings gold plated.
And YES, somehow, there are STILL MORE PRUITT CORRUPTION SCANDALS.
Let's round up all the North Korea news real quick, just so we can appreciate how thoroughly our Idiot Manchild President has been owned, pwned, and otherwise totally cucked by this ass-backwards third world dictatorship.
So Weehands McNodick un-cancels the Singapore summit, only with expectations downgraded from “I'll be coming home with all their nukes in the trunk of the car” to “Here's my number so call me maybe?” PISS IN OUR TIME.
And this North Korean spy, spymaster really, gets invited into the Oval Office (again, the sort of legitimacy these thugs have been horny for for decades), and he gives Fat Q*Bert a comically oversized letter, which simultaneous plays to his ego, AND sets up a photo op where his tiny, inadequate hands look even tinier and inadequater.
Meanwhile, the much-ballyhooed destruction of NK's nuclear test site, praised by the rightwing nutjobosphere as an unprecedented concession extracted by a master dealmaker...was probably faked.
Oh, and just to really rub America's face in shit, we have to pay for these dirtbags’ hotel in Singapore, because Kim Jong-un is a broke-ass scrub, but we have to be “discreet” about at so as not to wound the broke-ass scrub's pride.
GAWD this is embarrassing. The American President getting played, over and over again, by these 10-cent autocrat hooligans WHO CAN'T PAY FOR THEIR OWN DAMN HOTEL. It's like investing all your money a ponzi scheme run by a hamster.
KKKris KKKobach, currently running for Governor of Kansas (egads), appeared in a parade with a giant gun, I guess because he feels “I am extremely insecure in my manhood” is a winning campaign pitch.
Hey, remember that German ambassador nominee? The one that Dems held up for weeks because of what a bad fucking idea it was to make him an ambassador? Well, holy fuckballs, it was a BAD FUCKING IDEA to make him an ambassador! I'm gonna do something I would normally never do, and post a link to Breitbart, where Ric Grenell (which autocorrects, amusingly, to Grendel) talks about “empowering” Trumpy right-wing elements in Europe which is NOT YOUR JOB, BRO.
Seriously, I'm not gonna claim to be an expert in international relations, but this assclown thinks he'll just sit down with Angela Merkel and go, “Yeah, I'm here to advocate for your domestic opponents, now make with the diplomacy, lady!” and, um...that isn't going to go very well.
In the midst of all his greater atrocities, Baron Fatfuk refused to recognize Pride Month for the second year running, because he's as petty as he is evil. Just the latest in a series of actions that declare, “I'm only for the shittiest straight white fake Christians among you, and if you're not the type to attend one of my hate rallies, you're just a little bit less than fully human.”
And the President is still hiding his wife from the public, which is just one more super normal thing that's happening. The First Lady Disappearing for 3 Weeks Without Explanation is like, the “vanilla” of Things Having to do with the First Lady.
I guess the big news is the Flock of Assholes Drumpf hilariously calls his “legal team” leaking the memo they sent to the Mueller investigation to the Failing New York Times. The memo is such a shitty memo that Devin Nunes’ memos, previously thought to be history's shittiest memos, are laughing at this memo because it is so much shittier.
The gist of the memo is that because Government Cheese Goebbels is the President, “the law” is not really a thing for him. He doesn't have to obey any stupid subpoenas, and he can't obstruct justice because the Justice Department works for him, personally, and they have to do what he says, like if he called up Rod Rosenstein and told him he has to go down the hall and give Jeff Sessions a lap dance, Rowdy Roddy has to say “How hard would you like me to grind, Mr. President?"
Anyway, Rudy Giuliani is stumbling around the various cable networks, practically daring Mueller to take his legal D-team to court, which is a bit like Rush Limbaugh challenging LeBron to a game of Horse, but then, Rudy still thinks he can solve his client’s very large, very serious legal problems with TV appearances, so perhaps we should just say “bless his little heart” and walk away.
Seriously, Rudy is the worst goddamn helper I have ever seen. Highlights from recent appearances include “The President can pardon himself not that he's done anything wrong but he totally can hey maybe he just wants to pardon himself for being awesome like as a joke,” and “Getting caught lying about dictating Junior's bullshit letter about his God Yes I Want to Collude With You meeting is exactly why we don't want Don to testify because holy shit does he ever a lie a lot.”
...Rudy's kind of the Pippin of the Drumpf “Fellowship,” if you take my meaning. As if to prove my point, while I was writing, the asshole literally suggested Blump could not be indicted for COMMITTING A MURDER THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHED HIM COMMIT while he was in office.
And Michael Cohen wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Fuck, y’all, I'm just gonna write “Eat Me” on everything in the pantry in the hope that I can grow my way out of this jagoff Wonderland.
*SHOWER CAP FACT: I have pissed on Rod Blagojevich's lawn. A few times, actually.
Roseanne is Cancelled! Here in the Real World, We Still Have Problems. (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Fuck, y’all, even I can't keep up with this shit anymore. Today's news is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Then One Firebombed the Cuckoo's Nest Like Dresden, and Then One Sent a Platoon Full of Soldiers in Clown Makeup Into the Cuckoo's Nest.
Anyway, I mixed a little ambien in my IPA, so things may go off the rails tonight, HAW HAW HAW. (At any rate, the post is available, with relevant links, at: http://showercapblog.com/rosanne-cancelled/)
Well, blood was spilled in the Culture War, when Roseanne Barr got canned for a tweet that somehow managed to be shockingly hateful even in an age where the very President compliments white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of terrorism.
Still, it's nice that we're finally zeroing in on the precise point at which one crosses over from Provocatively "Racially Charged” to Yeah, No Amount of Money is Worth This Let the Shunning Commence. Apparently it's somewhere between Being Photographed as Hitler Pulling Burnt Person-Shaped Cookies Out of an Oven and Holy Shit, Even David Duke Doesn't Say Shit Like That in Public. (So the Velveeta Vulgarian still has plenty of wiggle room, actually.).
And of course she'd still be on the air if she'd stopped at merely spreading hideous (and long-debunked) conspiracy theories about Chelsea Clinton and George Soros, because hey, who among us hasn't falsely accused an ideological opponent of literally collaborating with the Nazi Party?
Anyway, Roseanne, who herself is like if a confederate monument and a Waffle House dumpster had a baby, wasted little time in violating her pledge to leave Twitter, embarking on a hate-&-self-pity-filled rant worthy of...well, worthy of Donald Trump. Whatever. We'll pay attention to you for another week or so, then it's bye forever, you piece of trash.
I spend a lot of time documenting the shittiness of the American Right, but because Shower Cap is both fair AND balanced, let me dedicate a paragraph or two to checking in on the scuzziest ass rashes of the American Left.
First off, if you processed your post-11-8-16 grief by donating to Jill Stein's recount scam, you'll be happy to learn she's still spending your money, even if she's gotten a bit lackadaisical in keeping up with those legally-mandated FEC filings. Still, when she drops her next folk-rock album (tentatively titled, “The Free-Wheelin’ (With Your Money, Rubes!) Jill Stein,”) it'll all be worth it.
And everybody meet BernieBro-cum-Drumpf-supporter Bruce Carter, who went to work for Breitbart and Steve Bannon suppressing the African-American vote! Thanks for your role in enabling all this senseless human suffering, Bruce! I wish you a life full of Comcast customer service and asparagus farts!
So, nobody's seen Melania since she was hospitalized for that kidney thing, and maybe she's moved back to New York, where we the American taxpayers will have the privilege of paying millions of entirely unnecessary dollars for her secret service protection, but maybe she's just shut up in the White House? In the final analysis...who gives a fuck?
I don't subscribe to this idea of Melania as some sort of closeted ally in the fight against her Turdburger husband. We don't know a lot about her, she keeps to herself, and that's her right. But from what little we DO know, she's a fucking birther, and until she does something to offset her that very public bit of racist-as-hell shittiness, I'm saving my sympathy for the many thousands of victims of her life partner's assorted atrocities.
Mother Jones was poking around in Scott Pruitt's past, back when he was but a wee Oklahoma state senator with a fool's dream of someday charging taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars to build a soundproof booth where he could jack off to goat porn, and discovered that he used to while away the hours proposing bills that would grant men “property rights” over unborn fetuses.
Pruitt's just amazing. He's like a sketch comedy caricature of a Republican come to life. That a jackass of such regular, almost hourly moral failings can unashamedly stand in judgment of others to such an extreme that he will insist one human being's body is another human being's property...he's gotta be Andy Kaufman, right?
Princess Ivanka is MOST put off by the uppity peasants who call themselves “journalists,” questioning her over Daddy trading sanctions relief to a Chinese telephone company suspected of espionage in exchange for a few trademarks for his precious little girl! WHAT'S WRONG WITH A FATHER LOVING HIS DAUGHTER? AND MAYBE LUSTING AFTER HER JUST A LITTLE BIT OK A LOT OK SO MUCH THAT HE TALKS ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS? Anyway, she ran away from the press.
I've been trying all day to come up with a joke about Tennessee CongressLoon Diane Black suggesting that school shootings happen because of pornography, but I honestly can't top the ridiculousness of the source material. Ionesco is sitting in the corner of my apartment, utterly undone by the absurdity of this thing that happened in real life, sniffing glue and weeping.
Mitt Romney will accept your praise now. He spoke some hard truths to power, proclaiming the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee isn't a good role model for his grandkids, and “has departed in some cases from the truth and has attacked in a way that I think is not entirely appropriate,” WHOA STEP BACK THERE, HOTSHOT, and the cast launched into “Cool” from West Side Story:
Mitt, Mitt, crazy Mitt
Get cool, Mitt!
Got a rocket
In your car elevator...
...ok, it doesn't quite work. But then, neither does merrily accepting the endorsement of a walking sack of shit who you admit is a garbage role model. You know else is a garbage role model? Willard Mitt Romney. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be panderers.
When you're about to be convicted of a felony, it's really useful to have something to trade to prosectors in exchange for leniency. Like, say, the Governorship of Missouri. Just ask Eric Greitens. Backed into a corner by a court order demanding the release of documents proving his crimes, the onetime Rising Star (Hee Fucking Hee) finally discovered the better part of valor, and slunk off into the night, no doubt petitioning to join Trent Franks’ poker game.
Of course, without Greitens weighing his party down on the midterm ballot, Claire McCaskill's re-election just got a little tougher. So toss her a buck or two if you can, won'tcha?
So the CIA assessment of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ desperate Nobel Prize ploy says the North Koreans have no intention whatsoever of giving up their nukes (FUCKING DUH), but may plan on offering a...fuck, I'm laughing so hard it's hard to type this...a fucking FAST FOOD RESTAURANT in Pyongyang “as a show of goodwill.”
That...that's the most perfect expression of totally-earned contempt I can imagine. That, hilariously and depressingly, is EXACTLY how much respect the sitting President of the United States deserves. “Nah, man, we won't dismantle our nuclear program, but WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR JACK SHIT?”
Anyway, we're a couple weeks out from the summit which may happen, or not, meaning the U.S. government under President Dumbass schedules high-stakes diplomacy with less certainty than your corner pub setting up trivia night.
We saw yet another article revealing yet another instance of Tangerine Idi Amin berating Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia investigation, because only the innocentest of Presidents need pliant lackeys to shield them from law enforcement probes, everybody knows that.
(While we're on Sessions, some dolt wrote a handjob of a profile of ol’ Bilbo Bigot, calling the too-racist-for-the-80's monster who's abusing his power to break up families at the border, whose last remaining unfilled wish is probably to own a slave, “honorable.” No, I'm not linking that shit.)
Well, the Special Master has ruled on the materials seized in the raids on Michael Cohen's office/hotel/storage unit, and the news is bad...for all parties involved who identify as “Michael Cohen.” Over a million pieces of evidence will be turned over to prosecutors.
Holy SHIT, bro. There aren't a million pieces of evidence that I EXIST. Oh, and to ratchet things all the way to shit-your-pants terrifying for the Sez-Hoo Sensei, the FBI is even reassembling the papers you ran through the shredder. If I was you, Mikey, I'd take any plea deal that lets you take a half-hour walk in the prison courtyard once a month.
I see President Gas Station Urinal Cake's crippling insecurity has once again led him to leak classified information in a pathetic attempt to impress people. This time he babbled about a clash in Syria involving Russian forces to a group of mega-donors. Ironically, and perhaps tragically, this betrayal of his sacred duty failed to net Drumpf even an iota of the respect he so desperately craves.
The Man Whose Fingers are as Tiny & Stunted as his Soul may finally have tried to lie a lie too big even for his craven congressional enablers. Trey Gowdy, a hack so partisan he kept his bullshit Benghazi investigation open as long as he possibly could in the vain hopes he'd at least turn up evidence that Huma Abedin was stealing office supplies, had to admit, “Nope. The Old Fucker pulled this straight out of his ass. His real ass, not the significantly smaller ass from Dr. Ronny Jackson's report.”
This garbage is so tinfoil-hat-peppered-with-bat-crap nuts even Andrew Fucking Napolitano is debunking it. A conspiracy theory too nuts for that quack? That's like a burger Jughead Jones refuses to eat.
Oh, the President of the United States held another Klan rally last night, that's always nifty. Nothin’ quite like watching the leader of the free world lead a room full of feverish hateyokels in shrieking that immigrants are “ANIMALS” (But we're just talking about the ones in gangs WINK WINK check out the plausibleness on that deniability!)
Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Lip has a new chief of staff! Fred Fleitz is one of Frank “Too racist for CPAC how is that even possible” Gaffney's hate-vomiting sidekicks. A conspiracy-spreading fanatic with a history of lying his ass off to stoke anti-Muslim hatred, advising a President as racist as he is gullible? What could go wrong?
Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, we learned that Shart Garfunkel himself personally lobbied NFL owners on their revolutionary new Black Lives Matter? Nah! Anti-Kneeling policy. Dumbass still can't competently discuss any issue from opioids to the Middle East to trade, and this is how he spends his time. "Black men standing up for their rights? NOT IN MY COUNTRY, MISTER!”
Sticking with the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Louie Gohmert has been caught shortchanging promised donations to organizations benefiting victims of Dylann Roof's massacre. Donations he promised to make in the first place because his campaign committee and PAC accepted funds from a white supremacist who “inspired” Roof. Helluva guy, that Louie Gohmert.
Oh, and speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, a Harvard study reveals that the Shart Administration has been underreporting Hurricane Maria-linked deaths in Puerto Rico by a factor of ohhhhhhhh about 70, because why should the living get to hog all the dehumanization? Oppression in life, erasure in death. Stephen Miller is rock hard, I'm sure.
By the way, while we're on the subject of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Fat Q*Bert finally weighed in on the Roseanne controversy, and while he couldn't quite bring himself to say “Maybe virulent hatred of this sort is bad, and ought to be condemned,” he did launch into yet another self-pitying diatribe about how nobody ever apologizes to him for criticizing all the vile, putrid, revolting, things he says and does. The world's tiniest violin shattered from overuse sometime in 2017, so fuck you, Donnie.
Gotta admit, I don't quite get how Shartboy's supporters look at this sad old fool, who whines like a sickly rich boy in a Victorian novel, and somehow see “strength.”
I see economic growth from the first quarter got downgraded, to 2.2%...look out, Donnie...you're running out of room on Obama's coattails!
The Senate Intelligence Committee (You know, the one that's kinda sorta almost doing some semblance of its job, unlike a certain Pigfucker-led committee which shall remain nameless) shouted “Bring Me Roger Stone!” and then Mark Warner and Richard Burr high-fived for being so clever.
Betsy DeVos lost in court in this week, and it's kind of dense, wonky, shit about loan forgiveness and privacy and it's not super funny and honestly I didn't read the whole thing but I thought you should know because Betsy DeVos lost, YAY!
The headlines tell me Kim Kardashian West met with the Grand Wizard Grifter to discuss prison reform. In related news, Sherrod Brown and Ben Cardin are planning an Oval Office meeting on the opioid crisis in which they would wear a two-man Snuffleupagus costume, with General Kelly playing along by pretending to not to be able to see them. Negotiations are currently at an impasse, however, over which Senator will occupy the costume's back end.
If you need a little pick-me-up, you could do worse than this video clip of Sarah Slanders absolutely disintegrating when a 13-year-old student journalist asks her what her team of NRA stooges plans to do to alleviate the terror of being gunned down in school that our children have to live with nowadays. As the Uncredible Huck regurgitates her usual hollow spin, you can see the tiniest hint in her otherwise-dead eyes of “Sorry, kiddo...we're the bad guys here, just pray the next shooter picks a school in the town down the road.”
Anyway, Laura Ingraham will have a deep dive on this kid's shitty spelling test grades by Thursday.
(And if you want to turn right around and feel like crap again, click on this one from the Failing New York Times about Obama struggling to deal with his dung-gargling successor's election.)
Ok, I gotta give you some good gnus after that. How about the Virginia State Senate voting to expand Medicaid under the ACA? That's the shiny NEW Virginia senate, brought to you by the Resistance-fueled blue wave that swept through in 2017! That's lives improved and saved, my friends. That's what it's all about. I know most of you are just like me, exhausted by all the bullshit and awfulness, impatient for the day when you get your chance to make a difference again...to vote again.
Well, that day is right around the corner. And let this huuuuuuuge victory in Virginia keep you warm on all the long dark nights between this moment and your fast-approaching opportunity...to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
And now WaPo reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is on the brink of escalating his dumbfuck trade war with our closest allies! Tariffs for Canada, Mexico, and the E.U., sanctions relief for the Chinese espionage company, got it. Isn't it fun when your economy rests in the hands of a malicious dipshit who filters international relations through the eyes of a grade school playground bully, with the intellect to match? (SPOILERS: no it is not fun.)
And from the last-minute scoop file, NYT reports Andrew McCabe, while serving as acting FBI director, wrote a memo, now turned over to Rugged Robert Mueller, describing a conversation where Rod Rosenstein says President Treasonweasel asked him to mention Russia in the memo he ordered Rod to write to justify the Comey firing. Memos within memos within memos.
...is anybody else sick of the expository phase of this story? Can we just skip to part where the good guys bust through the door and arrest all the crooks? Fuck.
WOW! And this is all just TWO DAYS since the last blog. The news couldn't get any crazier unless a Russian journalist and Putin critic faked his own death in an elaborate plot to thwart an assassination attempt and trap the Kremlin-connected bastards who orchestrated it, OH SHIT YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Anyway, as you can clearly see from the assembled evidence...shit be cray. Even by Drumpf-era standards, this has been an unusually brutal week, and it's only Wednesday, so for mental health purposes, let me leave you with this delightful Weezer cover of Toto's “Africa.” You deserve it.
On Memorial Day, Your President Encourages You to Throw All That's Decent About America on the Grill
I think we need to give even more thanks than usual to our fallen military heroes this particular Memorial Day, since many of them are surely a little restless in the afterlife tonight, wondering, “Wait, I died so this Bloated Tick Grifter could assault the rule of law between rounds of golf on the taxpayer dime? Can I get a refund?”
As always, this post is available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-memorial-day-your-president-encourages-you-to-throw-all-thats-good-and-decent-about-america-on-the-grill-and-light-that-fucker-up/
(Naturally, the Bonespur Buttplug marked the occasion by praising...himself. General Kelly surely smiled a little smile when he saw that Tweet, thinking of how he almost told his boss not to say anything self-aggrandizing on the one day we set aside to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, but figured “Oh, don't be silly, John! Not even Donald could be THAT clueless and tone deaf!” He then returned to the task of cutting the President's overdone steak into chewable bites in preparation for their dinner meeting.)
Let's take a good hard look at this country that so many millions have died to preserve, shall we? We're tearing families at the part at the border now! We're shipping children to detention centers! We've got a prison bus for babies!
And the government even lost track of nearly 1,500 immigrant children, how about that? (Now, these aren't the same kids who're being ripped away from their parents. These are kids who show up at the border without a guardian. You need to keep your atrocities straight in 2018.) Some have even been delivered, by a racist, criminally-negligent, U.S. government, directly into the hands of human traffickers.
Can you imagine? Employees of a branch of HHS, paid by your tax dollars and mine, so careless, so lazy, so who-gives-a-shit-it's-just-a-brown-kid, that they're allowing, no wait, that's not right...that they're FACILITATING this sort of evil? “Here's your child slave, sir. Thanks for using the United States’ immigration system! MAGA!”
And Rick Santorum, that Christly fellow, said, “Whaaaaaaat? We lose people all the time! What's the big deal? I lost my keys just the other day!” and then presumably went about the rest of his day in typical Rick Santorum fashion, blissfully unaware of his own casual monstrousness, in fact likely congratulating himself on his personal moral infallibility, while smugly fantasizing about all those liberal pundits who regularly humiliate him on CNN burning forever in the Pit.
I tell you what, folks, Jesus is gonna come back any day now. He's gonna walk, slowly but purposefully, directly up to Rick Santorum, slap him like Batman slaps Robin in that meme, then walk away forever.
Somehow, despite this avalanche of news so appalling it makes you ashamed to be American, the Grand Wizard Grifter is pissed off because we're not hurting ENOUGH immigrants. Yes, he's still bellowing at Kirstjen Nielsen for not laying a minefield along the border or something. (Oh, and that article is seasoned with a little anecdote where Fuck-O makes some shitty racist gags to the delight of Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller. But don't call any of them bigots, right?)
Miller's fingerprints were all over the white nationalist liefest (or “demonstrable falsehoodfest,” if you're Maggie Haberman) Sharty McFly delivered at the Naval Academy graduation ceremony. Still, you almost have to laugh, cuz when he says “our ancestors tamed a continent,” he means “my daddy bailed me out of bankruptcy."
Putin's favorite CongressStooge Dana Rohrabacher wants to remind everyone who's dehumanizing brown people to set aside a corner in their hate-shriveled heart to dehumanize LGBT people. Dana lost a big endorsement when he insisted on the Right to Refuse to Sell Your House to Anyone who Makes the Beast with Two Backs Out of Two Beasts of the Same Gender, because he's an absolute dirtbag, but let's give a good sturdy huzzah to the National Association of Realtors for standing up for decency.
Another one of those Shady Meetings Between Russian Muckety-Mucks and High-Level Trumpkins, popped up, this time featuring Kremlin-connected oligarch Viktor Vekselberg (I shoulda bought a scorecard, but I only had enough cash to get one of those sundaes that comes in a little baseball helmet) and the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, Michael Cohen.
Anyway, I'm sure this shady meeting is finally the very last of the shady meetings, and not one of the money launderers or influence peddlers or debt-ridden real estate frauds has anything whatsoever left to hide. BREAKING: Ex-KGB Officer Discovered Living in D.C. as Jeff Sessions’ Roommate! “Ah thawt th’top bunk wuz empty!” protests the Attorney General.
New York CongressDope Peter King sees Nazism in the NFL's kneeling controversy! Not on the part of the league imposing fines in an attempt to stamp out their employees’ ability to exercise their rights to speech and protest, but to those players who silently kneel to suggest to America that hey, we think Black Lives Matter, and maybe you should too, JUST LIKE HITLER.
Your Desperately-Needed Morsel of Actual Good News for the Day? The good people of Ireland voted overwhelmingly to repeal their constitution's abortion ban! Hooray for progress but Jesus Fuck I had to cross the entire Atlantic to scrounge up something to smile about and BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
Anyway. Back to the shit.
The Man with Phalangeal Stunting issued an executive order making it easier to fire federal workers. Under the new rules, a squad of hooded inquisitors appointed by Steve Mnuchin will be empowered to travel from department to department, pointing randomly at employees and shrieking “I saw Goody (insert employee's name here) with the Deep State,” and the employee will be fired and/or hanged and/or burned and/or that awesome “more weight” Giles Corey thing.
Frankly I think every worker should be held to the Scott Pruitt standard. Until you've had at least a dozen front-page scandals, your job should be secure. If that Leo-melting-down-in-Act-3-of-The-Aviator-level paranoid loon is allowed to blow $3.5 million on security in just one year (because he needs to be protected from mustachioed caricatures, apparently), let's just say I have my doubts about the sincerity of this corner-cutting fever.
Ok. So, Spanish police gave the FBI recordings of some wiretapped conversations between a Russian money launderer and Alexander Torshin, who is heavily connected to both Putin AND the NRA, so this dude is basically a Bond villain, right? Does he have some sort of trademark facial deformity, or maybe a prosthetic thumb that conceals a polonium-210 dart?
While Twitter-ranting about how the portions at Boston Market have gotten smaller or how James Comey broadcasts showtune karaoke directly into the fillings of his teeth or some shit, the Candycorn Skidmark offhandedly proclaimed that a certain official who gave a certain quote to the press...simply does not exist. Now, said official indeed does exist, his name is Matt Pottinger, he has a lovely collection of Precious Moments figurines, and of course there's a recording of him not only existing but saying the very thing the President insists he didn't.
....or so the D.C. press corps would have you believe! I think it's a mistake to overlook the very real possibility that the Shart House is staffed by ghoooooooooooooooooosts.*
Princess Ivanka will be campaigning for Devin Nunes, shooting for the Guinness World Record for “Shittiest Team-Up in Human History.” Is there really a voter in the California 22nd, or anywhere on Earth, who's still on the fence about that treasonous Fucker of Pigs, but might decide to vote for him because a shoe design thief told him to? And if so, can I taint-punt him straight to the moon?
Speaking of Daddy's Little Scammer, the Chinese government granted Ivanka a bunch of shiny new trademarks, lucky girl! Dad gets half a billion in loans, Junior and Eric get a neapolitan ice cream sandwich to split (as usual, determining which brother would get the half with the chocolate came to fisticuffs. Well, slapticuffs, anyhow), and the Chinese government gets the American President working to eliminate penalties on a Chinese company that violated American sanctions! Everybody wins!
...except the United States of America and the American people, who are apparently not part of this transaction at all.
So the Shart House staff has dwindled down to a handful of the most desperate and reprehensible crotchboils on the planet, and according to Axios, they seem to spend most of their time screeching “You're the leaker!” “No, YOU'RE the leaker!” at one another, presumably while literally gnawing on their co-workers’ backs. We know this, BECAUSE IT LEAKED, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!
Fuck it, says I; let's go full Hunger Games with these assclowns. Turn ‘em loose in a field full of hammers and staple guns, till there's only one left standing, leaking his own crazed mutterings to any reporter still willing to listen, just an Unnamed High Level Official Caked in the Blood and Gore of His Fellow Unnamed High Level Officials.
Omnipresent in the background of all this delirium is Rudolph Giuliani, who pops up on teevee periodically to spew more of his trademark scattered hateblather. From manic ravings about “Korean perjury” to openly admitting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Spygate” nonsense is nothing but a cynical PR ploy to rile the frothier elements of Cult45 up into a mob that'll side with a cheap crook against their own country's law enforcement community, maybe even march on the FBI when the indictments finally come down and yes he's invested in a company that produces pitchforks and torches why do you ask?
Word is, Rudy's working for the Poo Mistake for free. Heh. So did Paul Manafort. You get what you pay for, Turdmuffins...you get what you pay for.
For what it's worth, when they announced Rudy's birthday at Yankee stadium this afternoon, he got booed like a whole army of David Ortizes. If the Resistance has spread even to the bleachers, we're gonna do alright this November.
Ok, Shower Captives. I'm gonna try to get a little grilling in while the sun's still out. I'll leave you with the following headline, which, from a satirical standpoint, I simply cannot improve upon: “White nationalist David Duke says he’ll sue Donald Trump for stealing his ‘build the wall’ chant unless Trump delivers”
Good gravy.
*Well. Men in white sheets, anyway.
Getting Played by North Korea is Like Losing a Checkers Game to a Hedgehog
If this week's news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering idiots meddling with forces they can't begin to comprehend.
But since this is all real life, I'm hiding in my closet, screaming at the top of my fucking lungs. (As usual, you can find this post with all relevant links, on my site, at: http://showercapblog.com/getting-played-by-north-korea-is-like-losing-a-checkers-game-to-a-hedgehog/)
Yes, a sinkhole has opened on the White House lawn, and everyone has enjoyed a good sturdy laugh about it. Everyone except President Trump, who is frightened that he is the only one who hears the faint, reedy, voice emanating from it at all hours of the day, whispering “Puuuuuuuusssssssy....puuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssy within! Riiiiiiiiipe for the grabbing! Commmmmme grab usssssss Donallllllllllld!”
So, Kirstjen Nielsen casually mentioned to a group of reporters that she was unaware of the intelligence community's assessment (backed up by the Senate Intelligence Committee just last week) that Russia interfered in the 2016 election on behalf of her shitworm boss. Considering how long this information has been out there, and how widely it's been covered, I'd be upset if the barista at my coffee shop said that, but we're talking about the Secretary of the Whole Fucking Department of Homeland Security here. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SECURE THE HOMELAND IF YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHICH FOREIGN POWERS ARE STAGING COMPLEX CYBERATTACK CAMPAIGNS AGAINST US, YOU FUCKWIT?
Hey everybody, I know keeping up with the news really tests the limits of your emotional capacity these days, between the inhuman crimes of the ICEstapo and the suffering people of Puerto Rico who've been abandoned by their racist government and the victims of school shootings and the people killed by the white supremacist terrorists given succor and comfort by a shitbag Klansman President who calls them Very Fine People, but I need you to pull out your crowbar and pry open your heart just a little bit further...
Because SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS HAD HER FEE-FEES HURT.
The Uncredible Huck says it "bothers her” that everyone calls her a liar. That's like ZZ Top complaining that people are always taking about their beards. Shit, Sarah, lying is your entire goddamn job description. If you didn't lie, you'd be a motherfucking MIME.
Hey, here's a good bit for all you political humor fans! SETUP: Didja hear the one about the Cabinet-level official who banned several members of the press from a public conference? PUNCHLINE: They even had security guards physically remove one reporter! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S FASCIST!
Seriously though, in this entire dirtbag administration, no one is quite so ready for a full authoritarian takeover as Scott Pruitt. I'm starting to think he installed that soundproof booth to plot the Reichstag Fire.
Turning things over to the sports desk for minute: fuck the NFL. Fuck ‘em right in the eye. With a claw hammer. All night long. Fuck ‘em for selling out free speech. Fuck ‘em for giving in to the shittiest losers our country has produced since Strom Thurmond's final breath creaked out from his decrepit, rotting, evil, flesh.
And of course Mike Pants did an undignified little victory dance (though he did not gyrate his hips excessively, for the Lord frowns upon such lasciviousness) at this setback to the first amendment, this crotch punt to the right to protest, this white supremacist boot on the neck of a predominately African-American workforce. Cuz Mikey Hairshirt is racist trash.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke has targeted some of the last remaining obstacles to American Graytnuss, Obama-era rules prohibiting hunters from killing hibernating wolf cubs on public lands, among other restrictions. Also, if you come across a sleeping unicorn foal, you can just beat it to death with a rock now.
If you still require evidence that we're all locked in some sort of other-dimensional fun house, this week we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon's tweets are sometimes composed not by the Bloat himself, but by staffers, who emulate his “writing style” by capitalizing random words, peppering posts liberally with unnecessary exclamation points, and running their work through a “What if I were an unusually dense third grader” translator. The principle being, “Writing like a moron connects him to his moron base.” This must be that American Exceptionalism I'm always hearing about.
Michael Cohen's partner, the so-called “Taxi King” wasted little time in rolling over on the President's thuggish fixer boy, accepting a plea deal and cooperating with government prosecutors. No word at this time on how this will affect the succession to the Taxi Throne, but I bet Cohen's gotten so used to pissing his pants whenever he reads the latest news, he's taken to wearing diapers.
Speaking of Mickey Dead Eyes, the BBC dug up a sordid little episode where Ukraine bribed him to the tune of $400,000 to set up a meeting with the Velveeta Vulgarian. And the meeting went so well, Ukrainian officials immediately dropped their investigation into Paul Manafort and stopped cooperating with the Mueller probe! MONEY WELL SPENT!
For those keeping score at home, just as with the ZTE/China/sanctions story, the official policy of the United States of America is up for sale, and there's nothing this cabal of grifters won't trade for their own personal enrichment. And as long as Mitch McConnell gets his judges, he'll watch everything that's decent and good about this country go up in flames, and won't even piss on the fire to put it out.
...god, I wish I believed in Hell.
A federal judge ruled that the Poo Mistake is constitutionally prohibited from blocking American citizens from viewing his Twitter feed. And we all know much violating the Constitution bothers him. I'm sure he'll get right on unblocking everybody, after he's deported the entire Washington press corps and bombed FBI headquarters to rubble.
Saudi Arabia threw a little party this week, because the Jared Kushner General Store & State Secrets Emporium is back open for business! Yes, despite countless undisclosed meetings with foreign officials and a few dozen amendments to his disclosure forms, Fredo Squared finally has his permanent security clearance! Bail his shitty family out of their Manhattan real estate debacle, and he'll use the U.S.A.'s state of the art satellite system to give you precise GPS coordinates for the spies operating in YOUR country!
Anyway, if Jar-Jar can get his clearance, I bet I can get served at the Denny's in my college town even though I peed on the salad bar that night I tried Tequila for the first time. They said I wasn't allowed back, but clearly consequences are a thing of the past.
Word is, the Kush Ball sat down for a second interview with Mueller's crew. I'm sure he dutifully parroted the latest version of his father-in-law's agreed-upon spin, confident that unlike all the other previous times, nobody will find out anything beyond what's already out there in the press. And if he didn't notice Bodacious Bob's subtle grin, well, chalk it up to the unearned self-regard of a white boy born into extravagant wealth.
Somebody threw their drink at Tammy Lasorda or whatever her fucking name is, and now we're having another conversation about what courtesy is owed to hate mongers. Here's Cap's take: while y’all are clutching your pearls about etiquette, these people are trying to destroy the courts, the press, the FBI, and OUR SHARED FUCKING OBJECTIVE REALITY. Tonya should have drinks thrown on her whenever she tries walking into a room full of decent people.
That goes for Richard Spencer and Milo and Stephen Miller and Sarah Slanders and Mike Pants and ALL OF THEM. These fucks are not worried about YOUR feelings, I promise you.
Speaking of Hate-mongering Crapgeysers, Alex Jones keeps on accumulatin’ lawsuits, which couldn't happen to a nicer guy unless maybe they dug up Mr. Rogers. Six more, from Sandy Hook families and an FBI agent who responded to the shooting. I hope he got the punch card, he'll get 15% off the next settlement! Of course, by then, he won't have any assets beyond the lifetime supply of yogurt he's legally required to apologize to twice a day.
Hot on the heels of their failed “Just because he committed Honey Bunches of Money Laundering Crimes doesn't mean you can prosecute them, Mr. Fancypants Robert Mueller!” gambit, Paul Manafort's lawyers are trying to get the evidence seized by the FBI in their raids of his home and storage unit thrown out, on the grounds that Holy Shit That is Some Damning-Ass Evidence and We Would Much Rather the Jury Didn't See It. Gotta try, I suppose.
Betsy DeVos is totally down with any shitsack public school teacher who feels like summoning ICE to deport any brown kids breathing all the white kids’ air, because she is a goddamn monster. “It's a local community decision,” snarled the DeVostator, and if the local community wants to whiten its whites like OxiClean, who is she to judge?
If I can put on my best Rachel McAdams for a moment...Donnie. Stop trying to make “Spygate” happen. It's not going to happen.
As the walls close ever in on him, the Grand Wizard Grifter keeps throwing more and more eggs in Goebbels’ famous “Big Lie” basket. I don't know that the original Nazis reckoned with the problems the Big Lie would encounter when told by a known mendacious goon (a "Shart who cried wolf,” if you will) with an inescapable reputation for lying about everything from his crowd sizes to his height and weight.
Still, Tangerine Idi Amin keeps ranting about his little self-spun conspiracy tale at every available opportunity, perhaps hoping that once the reports are all written and every detail of his life of crime has been dragged from the shadows for all the world to see, he'll have so thoroughly brainwashed his small army of rubes that they'll wage war on the FBI for him.
Anyway. I think in future presidential debates, they should ask the candidates, “Which, if any, of the institutions of American democracy would you be willing to destroy to cover your own ass?” (Rick Perry woulda been all, “the Department of Commerce, the Department of Education and OOPS I FORGOT THE THIRD ONE LOW-HANGING RICK PERRY FRUIT WUT WUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!)
Still, he managed to parlay his Mueller fanfic into some briefings by the FBI on their informant, yes, INFORMANT, even though “spy” sounds much cooler and more sinister. At first, they actually tried excluding Democrats altogether, with a special briefing just for shittiest pro-Drumpf shills in the House, but that proved to be too much fuckery for even these Constitution-shredding turdwaffles, and so the entire bipartisan Gang of Eight was allowed to attend.
Still, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes had his own private meeting. Hopefully he got patted down for markers and scissors and x-acto knives. And matches.
Oh, and Shart House lawyer Emmet Flood and John Kelly showed up for the beginning of the meetings, too! The meetings sharing classified information from an investigation into potential criminal acts by the President and his team. Jesus. If Obama pulled shit like this, Sean Hannity would've called on his viewers to dig trenches and secede.
Well, after weeks of frantic expectations-lowering ("What if we call it a win if Kim Jong-un doesn't steal any towels from the hotel?”) Shart Garfunkel finally threw in the towel (or, more likely, after several feeble attempts to throw in the towel with his wee inadequate hands, called General Kelly into the Oval Office and ordered him to attend to all necessary towel-throwing) on the Singapore Summit Where He Honestly Believed North Korea Would Trade Their Nukes for a Handful of Shiny Beads.
It's a real shock that Drumpfy's plan, which mostly involved skipping straight to the praise-gathering without all that pesky diplomacy, failed to untangle one of the global community's biggest challenges. The whole thing was supposed to magically fall into place because he was so much smarter/tuffer/whiter than Obama, easy-peasy, I'll need individual copies of that Nobel Prize for each golf course thank you very much.
Looking to shore up his dirtbag base following the North Korea debacle, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops offhandedly suggested maybe deportation would be a fitting punishment for those dirty anthem-kneelers, with their treasonous insistence that Black Lives Matter and what have you. (What if you don't know the words to the anthem, Don? Do you get deported then?)
He certainly understands his supporters. They don't need victories, abroad or domestically. They don't even seem to want better jobs or lower taxes or cheaper health care. A little venom, a little hatred, a reason to gather ‘round the campfire and shriek “lock her up” at perceived enemies every now and then, that's enough...that Orwell fellah knew a thing or two about human nature, didn't he?
Toupee Fiasco also seems to be toying with a plan to withhold foreign aid from countries that fail to keep their Animals and When We Say Animals We Just Mean the Gang Members WINK WINK from immigrating to the U.S., because he's worried that maybe there's still an ounce or two of America’s goodwill he's yet to squander.
Roger Stone got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, asking for hawt Wikileaks-stolen Hilldawg action during the 2016 campaign. And so Stone joins the ballooning list of Trumpkins who've been caught lying to Congress. It's weird how Republicans will keep opening and reopening investigations into Democrats (especially Lady Democrats who run for President) in the total absence of criminal wrongdoing, but they won't lift a finger when incontrovertible proof of one of their own breaking the law turns up.
And now CNN reports that Mueller has started poking around in Roger's personal finances, so yeah, that pompous old fool is going to jail.
Speaking of Shitbags destined for incarceration, we're told Julian Assange has possibly worn out his welcome in the Ecuadorian embassy. If I wasn't so busy crying for Sarah Sanders, I would cry for you, Julian.
That's just three days worth of madness, Resisters. THREE DAYS. Under Obama, I feel like I didn't even read a newspaper at all in 2013. Three days with Drumpf, I'm like...I wrote so much, is anybody gonna read this shit?
The Day the NRA Bullshit Well Ran Dry, & Other Fuckery From Various Fuckheads (Shower Cap/Ferret)
Fuck, y’all. So much madness in the news today, it's like the Bridge on the River Kwai collapsed on top of the American Horror Story: Asylum set while Michele Bachmann was leading a tour.
(And you can find this post, and many others, with nifty links to all relevant news, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-day-the-nra-bullshit-well-ran-dry-other-fuckery-from-various-fuckheads/)
The Republican-led House of Representatives failed to pass the Fucking Farm Bill, which would be sort of like you failing to successfully brush your teeth. Like, you just keep ramming the brush into your eye socket over and over again till you're bloody and blind. Paul Ryan has this ridiculously unearned reputation as the wonkiest wonk who ever wonked, and yet he can't accomplish the legislative equivalent of putting on his socks before his shoes.
...not that such colossal failures stopped some anonymous rich jagoff from tossing Ryan's political nonprofit group 24.6 million dollars. God, I'd love to be that well-paid for being that shitty at my job. Like, I'm a failed actor, can I get some Koch brother to at least cover my car insurance?
Desperate to turn out the slobbering zombies in his shit-huffing “base” to fend off the coming mid-term electoral drubbing, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, in conjunction with Mike Pants’ team of giddy theocrats, is attempting some circus-level legal contortionism to strip funding from Planned Parenthood, because I guess they forgot that women can vote. The future is female, you Taliban wannabes, and it's getting ready to tap-dance all over your groins. In heels.
I know many struggling Americans, particularly in the Rust Belt, are anxiously waiting for the President to deliver on his campaign promise to bring high-wage manufacturing and mining jobs back to their economically distressed communities. WELL, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER, CAMPERS, because Fat Q*Bert has more important shit on his plate.
...shit like settling old scores with Jeff Bezos, that cocky little fucker who has the balls to be richer than his own President, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? Plus he owns a newspaper that refuses to toe the State TV propaganda line? Bald asshole's just ASKING for trouble.
And he's getting it. President Crotchvoid may not have time to develop a plan to bring jobs back, but when it comes to pestering the Postmaster General to raise Amazon's shipping charges, TELL GENERAL KELLY TO HOLD MY CALLS.
It's enough to make you think that maybe giving awesome political power to a stupid, self-absorbed, grievance-driven, thug wasn't the best idea.
So, Rudy Giuliani has taken it upon himself, in his got-my-ass-fired-by-my-law-firm retirement, to do everything in his power to burn the pillars of American democracy to the ground so that his buddy Don doesn't have to pay for his crimes. (To enhance this section of tonight's blog, play Dionne Warwick's “That's What Friends Are For” in the background.) To that end, he waddles out onto th’teevee all the time to spin and dissemble and lie. One of his favorite points to belch up, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, is that the President cannot be subpoenaed to testify, because he's worried about “perjury traps,” just like every other totally innocent dude's lawyer.
Trouble is, Mayor 9-11's position was a wee bit different when the President in question was a member of the opposing party.
And one of his recent interviewers slapped Rudy in the face with the Big Fat Dick of His Own On-the-Record Statements. And “America's Mayor” responded like a spoiled little rich kid who got caught shoplifting: he threw a temper tantrum.
Can you imagine being so pathetic that, when confronted with recorded evidence of our own hypocrisy, you can't think of any response more dignified than whining about “unfairness?”
Good news can be hard to come by these days, but godDAMN it's satisfying watching the walls close in on Roger Stone. Yet another Stone lackey has been subpoenaed by the Mueller investigation, no doubt to answer hard questions like, “Does that ridiculous old man really imagine he's pulling off those suits?”
Gone is the Bring Me Roger Stone cockiness of old, and now he's whining about the “extraneous crime” he's likely to be indicted for now that law enforcement is finally poking around in his drawers. Even his own former personal Wormtongue, Sam Nunberg, predicts an Indictment-o-gram for his old boss in the near future. The moment these treasonweasonals transition from arrogance to fear is positively delectable, don't you think?
While our scumfuck racist dirtbag President was busy dehumanizing immigrants, yet another shitty white boy terrorist committed mass-murder at an American school, apparently at least in part because a girl wouldn't go out with him. Oh, and he had a more-than-casual interest in Nazi imagery. One of the President's Very Fine People, no doubt.
Now, there were armed guards at this school. Two of them. For years now, the maniac gunhumper crowd has assured us shooters exclusively target gun-free zones, which was always ridiculous, because shooters target the people they feel like murdering, even when there are multiple armed guards in the building. OBVIOUSLY.
Anyway, the NRA's last ridiculous argument has collapsed like a house of straw before the Big Bad Wolf of logic and observable evidence, so now their loyal toadies in the Republican Party are desperately scrambling for something, ANYTHING to take the blame off the easier-to-obtain-than-Drake-tickets murder machines plaguing our nation, because they're more worried about losing Wayne LaPierre's campaign donations than about your children losing their lives.
Because they are evil. Not misguided, not misinformed, EVIL. Human life is supposed to matter to you. If it doesn't, you're either a sociopath, or you're morally broken. It's like opposing cancer research because you didn't want to lose funding from the powerful tumor lobby. It's evil. Call it what it is. (Which, if I haven't been clear, is evil.)
Oliver North blamed Ritalin, presumably before selling a fuckton of industrial strength Ritalin to Iran. Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick says the problem is schools have too many doors, so in the future, Texas schoolchildren will be forced to choose between gun safety and fire safety upon entering kindergarten. You'll be given a piece of paper with one drawing of Kermit the Frog, engulfed in flames, choking to death on smoke, and one of Miss Piggy bleeding out from a chest wound, and you circle the drawing you prefer. THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
Conservative Thought-Leader-Mostly-Because-He-Has-Glasses-and-Can-Tie-His-Shoes-I-Guess Hugh Hewitt figures the problem is trench coats, so maybe we should try trench coat control or at least mandate universal background checks before all trench coat sales WE MUST CLOSE THE TRENCH COAT SHOW LOOPHOLE.
John Cornyn blamed Season 3, Episode 8 of the Drew Carey Show. Roger Wicker blamed the lack of year-round McRib availability. Matt Bevin trembled, shook his fist at the sky, and simply screamed “KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN.”
Anything. ANYTHING to drag the conversation, kicking, screaming, and stained with the blood of countless children, away from common-sense gun control. Villainous.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE...Some very fancy, very very rich people got married in England, I guess. I'm told there were a great number of hats. I wouldn't mention it here, but for a choice bit of of trolling referencing Sharty McFly’s crowd sizes, which remain as tiny, feeble, and uninspiring as his embarrassing childlike fingers.
Orange Julius Caesar, being the walking definition of a bully, loooooooves to talk tough, but always, ALWAYS backs down when confronted. Distressingly, for America anyways, everybody on Planet Earth knows this, and behaves accordingly when “negotiating” with the Shart of the Deal.
Thus, I am pleased to announce a new recurring subsection here on the Ol’ Political Poo Joke Blog...The Possibly Incomplete List of Persons, Places, and Things that Totally Cucked Donald Trump Over the Last Few Days!
Let's dive right in, shall we?
NORTH KOREA! With his fantasy Nobel turning to sand right before his eyes, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet cancelled a planned joint U.S./South Korea military exercise, because Kim Jong-un cucked him like few cucks have e’er been cucked. In summation: cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
CHINA! Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops promised a big bad trade war that would bring China to its knees, crying into the business end of his too-long necktie, begging for mercy! What actually happened is the Chinese threatened heavy retaliation (and stopped buying American soybeans) and Mr. Tuff Guy totally backed down in exchange for...JACK SHIT! Secretary Mnuchbag slithered out to announce the surrender.
(Well, the United States got Jack Shit. The President got half a billion dollars in loans for a resort his company is co-developing in Indonesia. It fun swapping the national interest for the Grand Wizard Grifter's personal enrichment, isn't it?)
HIS OWN WIFE'S NAME! Hey, texting is hard when you have janky baby hands!
Who will cuck our President in the days and weeks to come? Tune in to find out!
Shower Cap's crack team of investigative reporters have uncovered Shartboy, Jr.'s Ashley Madison profile! Under “likes,” he lists “futile quests for my sociopathic father's approval,” “colluding with foreign officials to steal elections,” and “Franklin & Bash marathons.”
Yes, yet another secret meeting has surfaced, this time featuring Blackwater Mercenary Honcho Erik Prince, an Israeli social media guru, and a stooge for a couple of super-rich Arab princes. You'll recognize the stooge in question, George Nader, from such memorable episodes as "George Nader detained by the FBI upon reentering the country,” “George Nader cooperating with Mueller investigation,” and the timeless classic, “George Nader Arrested for Child Pornography.”
...I'm sure these new revelations of the President's shitweasel son's boneheaded crime spree have nothing to do with the ensuing Trumper Tantrum/Twitter meltdown. Nothing at all.
(By the way, while I was writing this, the AP dropped a deep dive into this John-Grisham-wouldn't-sign-his-name-to-this-shit-it's-too-over-the-top corruption shitshow. Nice to learn that the whole Qatar crisis has been enabled by a couple of criminally-convicted Drumpf cronies for the sake of their own personal enrichment. This swamp is just the draindest-ass swamp I've ever seen.)
It looks like both Junior and Prince lied to Congress about all this shit, which is a crime. Of course, Trey Gowdy and Paul Ryan wouldn't prosecute anyone tied this administration even if they found a drawer full of moist femurs in Stephen Miller's office, so justice'll have to wait until we flip the House this November.
Having failed to convince the world that Obama was surveilling Trump Tower (through those tricksy microwave cameras, right Kellyanne?), the Accidental Poosquirt has now decided to go all in on some bullshit story about his predecessor ordering the FBI to plant a mole in his 2016 campaign, because he's looking for a lie big enough to embarrass Goebbel's ghost. I'll let the real journalists walk you through the fact check.
(What the Dipshit Dotard doesn't know is, the REAL infiltrator was Eric Holder, who would disguise himself as Steve Bannon by wearing a mask made from the scrotum of a measles-stricken whale, and dousing his suit in cheap gin.
...and Rod Rosenstein placated him like a toddler, rolling his eyes while expanding the DoJ inspector general's mandate to "whatever horseshit happens to be dropping from the Idiot Manchild President's mouth today.”
And Rudy Giuliani opened the chasm of horrors known as “Rudy Giuliani's hideous mouth” and proclaimed that Bashful Bob Mueller told him the whole investigation into Toupee Fiasco's many crimes should be wrapped up by September 1st, and everybody believes Rudy's telling the truth and not just pulling an arbitrary deadline out of his ass to manufacture artificial parameters to pretend to get angry about when the time comes.
Reached for comment, Mueller said only, “I'll have to get back to you. My eyes rolled so hard they detached from my optic nerves and are still spinning at damn near light speed. I may have discovered perpetual motion.”
I see the RNC shelled out half a million clams (I've been watching old movies lately) for Hope Hicks’ lawyers. I wonder, does that even register with the frothy rubes of Cult45? You donate your hard-earned money to this grifter who used the power you gave him to shave six or seven zeros off his own tax bill, but hasn't done shit for you, and now his crooked collaborators are spending your donations on high-end lawyers.
...It's a magnificent con, if nothing else.
And now the Failing New York Times reports Shart Garfunkel maybe kinda sorta wants to back out of his much-ballyhooed Singapore Summit with Kim Jong-un, because suddenly he smells embarrassment and failure (super-familiar odors to his spray-tanned nostrils after seven decades of fucking up everything he touches) instead of adoration and Nobel Prizes, because that's was it was always about, right? Not stabilizing the region, or disarming a rogue regime, just one more attempt to fill the gaping hole in the center of the President's soul that opened when a unloving father shipped his ass to military school.
The Not at All Racist How Dare You Even Suggest We're Racist (Miller, Take Off Your Hood, the Cameras are Here!) crew squatting in the White House issued a press release making sure everyone knows how proud they are of their insertion of the word “animal” into the immigration debate, calling people “animals” eight times in a single document, and hey, we're just talking about the gangs, not every immigrant WINK WINK and if we've got Border Patrol agents feelin’ so frisky they're just detaining anybody they hear speaking Spanish, well, that's just a zany coincidence I assure you, SOMEBODY TELL GORKA NOT TO SET THE CROSS ON FIRE UNTIL THE PRESS LEAVES.
Everybody congratulate Neil Gorsuch! SCOTUS's freshest, wettest, asshole finally got to take the true power of his stolen seat out for a drive today, doing his humble best to shit directly down the throats of America's working class. Neal celebrated with a fine mousse flavored with syrup distilled from the sweat scraped directly off the foreheads of single mothers at the precise moment they collapse from exhaustion after working their third job.
Recently Promoted Diplomat Cosplayer Mike Pompeo gave a little speech on Iran. Having unilaterally violated the previously-existing deal in not just bad, but pissed-on-the-toilet-seat-and-crapped-in-the-shower faith, Pompeo now demands Iran give the U.S. its entire wishlist, up to and including the Supreme Leader's prized collection of Original Mint-in-the-Box Cabbage Patch Dolls, in return for a suitcase full of farts. Once again, the raw deal-making prowess of these assclowns is a sight to behold.
The Obamas signed a big development deal with Netflix, and the predictable squealing about boycotts surfaced almost immediately, so y’all better catch up on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt before the awesome economic juggernaut of the right wing jagosphere destroys the streaming service once and for HAHAHAHAHHAHAH I can't even finish that sentence.
Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship has apparently developed a taste for homicide, and he wants more! This time, he's coming for the ingrates of the West Virginia Republican Party, who so selfishly ticked the “not the felon whose negligence killed a bunch of miners” box in their Senate primary a little while back. Now Death-Dealing Donny wants to run a fatally vote-splitting third-party, "FOR HATE'S SAKE I SPIT MY LAST BREATH AT THEE” campaign, and not even WV's sore loser law may be enough to stop him.
Democrats added an anti-corruption message to their midterm electoral strategy, betting that the American people can imagine better uses for their tax dollars than financing a lazy President's weekly golf vacations. Or Ben Carson's dining room. Or Ryan Zinke's luxury travel. Or Scott Pruitt's creepy soundproof wankoff booth. Or Devin Nunes’ extravagant porcine brothel excursions.
CNN reports a gaggle of shit-encrusted “outside advisors” featuring such prize specimens as Steve Bannon and Corey Lewandowski are urging Don the Con to paint Rod Rosenstein as some sort of Deep State High Priest maliciously manufacturing fake evidence to bring down America's beloved Dear Leader while 44 Presidential portraits weep blood over the injustice of it all. Fuck it, why not? The rubes will believe literally anything you tell them, and the rest of us understand you're lying every time you open you mouth. Say Rosenstein's the anti-Christ. Say he's a space alien. Say he's running a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint if you're feeling particularly bold.
Lord, the Candycorn Skidmark can't even navigate his office's simplest ceremonial responsibilities without being an absolute ass. Congratulating some sort of NASCAR champion (not knocking it, just not my jam), he couldn't resist making a crack about standing during the national anthem, because he's anti-free speech, which is not a quality I generally seek in a President.
Missouri Governor Eric Greitens gets a little Trumpier every day, doesn't he? Now he's got a Special Prosecutor of his very own! No word on whether the experimental finger-shrinking treatments are working yet.
Politico tells us Tonight's Post Was Very Long and I'm Out of Nicknames But Please Assume I Called the President Something Hilarious insists on using unsecured personal cell phones, maybe because he thinks it's funny that every government on Earth, down to Luxembourg and Barbados, knows more about his personal communications than John Kelly. Anyhow, I'm sure Trey Gowdy's passionate feelings about digital security will resurface any minute now.
...holy shit. Either all that crap really happened, or I'm plugged into the Matrix and they mixed some bath salts in the feeding tube today. Either way, I need a damn drink. I'll see you in a few days, Shower Captives...
If They Had a Nobel Prize for Dog-Whistling, You'd Have it Sewn Up, Dirtbag (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It's been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter's sheets drenched in terror sweat. Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate. Or a beer. I'm having a beer.
(And YOU can check it this post, with fancy, super-informative links, at: http://showercapblog.com/if-they-had-a-nobel-prize-for-dog-whistling-youd-have-it-sewn-up-dirtbag/)
So, the Scumfuck Administration wants to detain the hundreds of immigrant children they're prying away from their families at the border on military bases, precisely the horrifying environment young minds need to develop the sort of trauma that will follow them their entire lives. Weird how when you elect the shittiest people you can find to govern your country, they keeping doing the shittiest imaginable things, isn't it?
Team Treasonweasel's primary legal defense strategy seems to covering their ears with both hands and shutting their eyes as hard as possible in the hopes that their problems magically disappear. It's...not going well.
Take, for example, Precious Paul Manafort, who tried to get his charges dismissed by arguing “Just because I've committed a fuckton of crimes doesn't mean Robert Mueller has any right to investigate ‘em,” a novel, if completely ineffective gambit. Now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly...#Manafucked.
Also, Summer Zervos’ defamation suit can proceed, despite the President's lawyers saying they'd really really really rather it didn't. (Another amusingly novel legal theory at work here, as Team Shart argues calling a private citizen a Big Fat Fucking Liar is “political speech.”)
And finally, Rudy Giuliani continued his Helping So Hard media tour by falling back on the confidence-exuding “You can't indict a sitting President” defense. What if we catch him while he's GOLFING, Rudy? Can we indict him then?
Fat Q*Bert released a legally-mandated financial disclosure form the other day, and oh, what's this? Did he neglect to mention the six-figure hush money payoff reimbursement to his shady-ass “lawyer” last year? “My bad, I get so forgetful cuz of the experimental hair tonic that warps my brain chemistry. Yeah, this means I broke the law, but when you've got an obsequious congress plus an entire wing of the media willing to parrot your excuses and distortions, you don't ever need to worry about silly things like consequences.”
Still, the Office of Government Ethics referred the matter over to Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein at DoJ (which, as always, I encourage the reader to pronounce “dooj”) as though he doesn't have enough executive branch malfeasance on his plate. I'm starting to think Jeff Sessions recused himself mainly to avoid the fucking hassle, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
Condolences go out to anyone still hanging onto the belief that bad guys get what's coming to them in the end, as disgraced former CongressPerv Blake Farenthold has already landed a six-figure gig...lobbying congress! Just to rub a little salt in the wound, Blake has announced plans to spend 100% of his salary of flannel jammies, leaving precisely zero dollars to reimburse the American taxpayer for the sexual harassment settlement that sent him a-scurrying home in the first place. Disney lied to us, folks.
Through it all, Rugged Robert Mueller continues compiling his Naughty and Nice lists, determining who gets candy and toys, and who gets socks and indictments. Whose garbage is the Bobadook poking around in this week? Well, he's subpoenaed Roger Stone's social media guy, possibly in search of old discarded love notes from Julian Assange. (“Aha,” proclaimed the rookie FBI agent, “This mash note has been scented with a fragrance sold only in the gift shop at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London!” A heavy hand fell on his shoulder. "That's excellent work, Doug,” said the Special Counsel, who then returned to his Candy Crush game.)
Also, the Justice Department and the FBI are independently looking the various fuckeries perpetrated by Steve Bannon's merry gang of digital gremlins, Cambridge Analytica. This dovetails nicely into the story of the CA whistleblower testifying before Senate Judiciary about the company's voter suppression operations, which to my eye seem to have been rather infuriatingly effective.
...you don't have to look too hard to find voices on social media urging you to abandon the Democratic Party for various perceived heresies. Telling you to stay home, or to throw your vote away on a useless wad of cud like Jill Stein. These voices elected Trump once, and they're hellbent on doing it again. I know y’all know that already, I just don't want you to be shy in calling ‘em out. There's too much at stake.
What’s this? Due to all the dipshit trade war posturing, China is now forgoing American soybeans in favor of...Russian soybeans? Fucking OF COURSE. Honestly, at this point I just hope Vlad is paying our President a fair salary...if all this really is just over a pee tape, I'll be offended, because we're getting ripped off.
Poor Donnie Dotard. He'd already cleared space on his desk for that Nobel Peace Prize, and he'd even worked up a speech about how much peacier his peace is when compared to Obama's peace, and then those big ol’ meanies in North Korea did that thing that LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM SAID THEY'D DO, announcing they had no intentions of giving up their precious nukes, though they will happily accept the credibility that comes with a summit where King Jong-un stands next to the American President as an equal.
So now Sharty McFly stares wistfully at the empty, Nobel-less space, wondering how to fill it. The media seems to be on to the “fake Time Magazine cover” bit, so maybe a fake golf trophy?
The Failing New York Times published a fascinating deep dive into the early days of the Russia investigation, code named “Crossfire Hurricane” because I guess “Fuckhead Shitstorm” was taken. NYT even squeezed in a little “hey, this is why we published that article during the election saying the Russia investigation was a big fat nothingburger, sorry for our role in the downfall of western democracy BUT HER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-MAILZ!!!!!” bullshit, because they're still washin’ their hands like Lady Macbeth. Cool.
Well, the Senate Intelligence Committee says that yuh huh, Russia sure did dick around in our election, and they did it to help the dumber, balder, racister candidate win, maybe because they wanted to undermine the west, or maybe because wanted to make overcooked steaks fashionable, who can say? This contradicts the findings of the House panel, who released their own report a while back, with Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes insisting Drumpfy is “the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.”
Also, the Senate panel sez the Russians used the NRA as part of their Shart-boostin’ campaign, kind of like when Two-Face and the Joker team up to KILL THE BATMAN.
Meanwhile the Senate Judiciary Committee released Scrotum Tumor, Jr.'s testimony about the famous Gimmie Dat Hot Collusion Action Drumpf Dower meeting, reminding everyone of the ridiculousness of their legal strategy, which amounts to, “Holy fuck did I ever want to collude, I was positively horny to collude, I tried as hard as a pampered little idiot white boy possibly can to collude, but the Russkies just didn't have anything.”
...good luck with that, Junior.
Michael Cohen's defenders (and let's just pause to imagine what it must be like to want to defend a petty goon like Micky Dead-Eyes) like to pretend he's the victim of some vast deep-state conspiracy, but look; when you're stumbling around, telling every foreign official you come across “Pay me a million bucks for access to our very stupid, very bribable new President,” your office is gonna get raided sooner or later, bro, no matter how many cell phones you have.
Rex Tillerson, who spent a year rampaging through the State Department with a hatchet and a crowbar, dismantling America's ability to conduct diplomacy in service to a Constitution-shredding thug, popped up at a commencement speech to to bemoan a “crisis of ethics and integrity.” Low T-Rex went on to lament, “Oh by the way, if a wannabe dictator offers you a job you're in no way, shape, or form qualified for, you should turn him do-“HAHAHA just kidding, Tilly doesn't have that kind of self-awareness, and fuck you, Rex, your window to stand up for Truth and Honesty closed quite a while back.
There's really nothing funnier than watching one of these anti-science Republican fanatics get all smug in conversation an actual scientist. Alabama CongressDoorknob Mo Brooks seemed quite pleased with himself, offering his alternative theory for the rise in ocean levels which SURPRISE has nothing to do with climate change, and everything to do with very large rocks being deposited on the ocean floor, possibly by giant monsters. Probably Cyclops. It's a little less funny when you remember Mo sits on the Science committee.
Look, I was pretty drunk when I got to the latest Ronan Farrow story...I think it's something about Michael Cohen having SARS? Or maybe bird flu? Ok, it's actually about whistleblowers and missing suspicious activity reports (or “SARs," get it? GET IT?), and it's pretty dense and not terrifically funny, so just click on the fuckin’ link if you want to know more.
Nobody is dreading the coming Blue Wave, and the accompanying handover of House committee gavels, more than Scott Pruitt. Called before yet another congressional hearing to account for his veritable cornucopia of scandals, Scott just sat there and lied and deflected, his subtext clearly, “well, I seem to be getting away with all of it, so eat my shit, boys!”
So our President called undocumented immigrants “animals” yesterday. Because he's racist. Extremely, openly, unapologetically, racist. He stirred up racist hatred, and dehumanized a whole group of people, because that is what he does. That is who he is. No gags, no jokes, the President of the United States is simply a terrible, monstrous, hate-filled, person.
But because the media insists on abiding by a ridiculous set of self-imposed rules that force them to take arguments offered in the worst conceivable faith at face value, somehow we're back doing the old familiar dance where pundits blather endlessly about whether or not it's fair to call this Klan-level bigot “racist,” whether his comments referring to HUMAN BEINGS as ANIMALS count as “racist.”
But let's just cut through the crap because literally everyone understands what's going on here. The President knows he's racist. We know he's racist. His supporters know he's racist, THAT'S HOW HE BEAT SIXTEEN OTHER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, lest ye forget. And they just loooooooooove dragging y’all down in endless, bad-faith, internet squabbling. It turns them on. It gets them off. Trolling libtards is what these losers live for; it's a sad, pathetic, way to walk through life, and you certainly shouldn't give them the satisfaction.
One more time, EVERYONE KNOWS TRUMP IS RACIST AS FUCK. That issue is settled. It's a matter of whether you believe that racism makes him unfit to be President or not. And that shit is settled in the voting booth, not on Twitter or Facebook.
And in case you didn't notice, Sarah Huckabee Slanders and Drumpf himself are having the time of their lives doubling, tripling, quadrupling down, winking at their giggling dirtbag base over all the trolling they're getting away with, while repeating “Animals! Animals! Animals!” all goddamn day long.
...the tiki-torch-wielding terrorists in Charlottesville weren't “animals,” you'll recall, but “very fine people.”
Somebody's pitching an Avenatti/Scaramucci “Loudmouths Screaming at Each Other” show, because I guess they're worried America's level of political discourse isn't fucking stupid enough yet. Oh well. Still a better idea than that Charlie Rose “Abuser Chats with Other Abusers” abomination. Or the Roseanne reboot.
Now I see Manafort's former son-in-law has cut a plea deal and rolled over on dear ol’ Dad. Former Dad. In-law. Thanksgiving sure is gonna be weird this year, what with everybody FaceTiming in from different federal prisons.
But the news isn't all bad! Major victory with the Senate's net neutrality vote, bipartisan and everything! We seem to be super-close to having enough signatures to force a DACA vote in the House! And I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance AAAAAAAAAYYOOOOOOOOOO pop culture advertising reference bitcheeeeeeeeees!
(I did not, for the record, save any money on my car insurance. In fact, when the insurance company learns that I've moved, my premiums will surely increase.)
Well, before I publish tonight, I guess I can loop y’all in on this mockable moment from Chris Hayes’ show tonight, where Bill Gates tells the story of our Future Idiot Manchild President getting HIV and HPV confused. Twice. Sorta makes you wonder if it was really “the pussy” Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was grabbing in the first place...
Ebola's Back, Drumpf's Trading American Foreign Policy for Chinese Cash, and Somehow Ice Cube...
I remember being a kid, going on camping trips...we'd gather around the fire, make s'mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we'd read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant orange Stay Puft Marshmallow Man knocking over the Statue of Liberty, and then dry-humping it.
(As usual, this post is available, with helpful links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/ebolas-back-drumpfs-trading-american-foreign-policy-for-chinese-cash-and-somehow-ice-cube-is-mixed-up-in-this-shit-now-wait-what/)
Bodacious Bob Mueller certainly is keeping busy, isn't be? We recently learned he's investigating some of those shady-looking donations to Shartboy's laughably under-attended inauguration party, which makes sense since we don't know where the fucking money went.
The larger point is, Mueller is investigating EVERYTHING, you cheap crooks. He's got your tax returns. He's got your bank accounts. He knows who ordered the Code Red. He knows who shot J.R. Someday, he's gonna figure why you never learned how to tie a necktie like a normal human being. The Bobadook is coming, Motherfucker.
Hey! Brooklyn Nine-Nine got picked up by NBC AND Ebola resurfaced in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, proving you can't keep a good sitcom/organ-liquefying virus down! On the Ebola side of the equation, Government Cheese Goebbels keeps trying to cut the Ebola-fightin’ budget, and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip eliminated the office headed by the nation's leading biodefense honcho.
My working theory is that Drumpf and Bolton recently stayed up late, screening OUTBREAK while pounding cheeseburgers and Dr. Pepper, proclaiming the scenario depicted in the film to be “Totally rad, except for the part where one of the generals was a black guy.”
Speaking of Bolton and his Malevolent Murderous Mustache, Johnboy is now threatening our longstanding-n-loyal NATO allies with sanctions if they don't play ball and violate the Iran deal in spite of Iranian compliance, like a certain Oozing Scrotum Tumor who shall remain nameless at this time.
Got that? The United States government is threatening its closest friends if they refuse to follow its lawless lead. Vlad Putin saw that interview and went “Comrades. You must pinch me. Right now. As hard as you can. I simply do not believe we have been so fortunate, that our humble investment has born such spectacularly destructive fruit!” (Once satisfied that he was indeed awake, Putin had the pinching attendants put to death, lest he tarnish his carefully-cultivated weak-man's-idea-of-strength image.)
Last year, the Motherfucking President of the Ever-Lovin’ United States of America responded to an act of murderous terrorism by white supremacists by labelling the perpetrators “very fine people.” The men entrusted with the power to conduct oversight of the executive branch, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, responded with a hearty, “Eh. Give us tax cuts and dirtbag federal judges, and we don't give a flying fuck if you burn a cross in front of John Lewis’ office.”
And from that moment on, the bigots in our government knew they need know neither fear nor shame, so long as Ryan and McConnell held the reins of power. I bring this up here for two reasons.
First, to remind you all to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and get everyone you know to vote in them, too.
Second, to introduce you to a sadly necessary new feature here on the blog, the Unashamedly Naked Racism Roundup:
Our star in the inaugural UNRR is Chief of Staff John Kelly, who's such a workaday, bigot it no longer even occurs to him to take off his hood for media interviews. As General Kelly demonstrated, nothing punctuates a lazy, half-hearted, attempt to find a bullshit excuse to justify your hateful war on immigrants quite like a casual “or whatever” when dismissing the fates of the hundreds of children torn from their families by your racist goon squad.
While we're here, let's note that the Shart House ran an event honoring military spouses, or just the white ladies anyway. Lord, it's like Stephen Miller hand-picked the whole crowd. Like even 1980's-style tokenism-with-a-heavy-dose-of-stereotyping would offend their Klansmen sensibilities. Jesus Fuck.
And in a final appalling act of Fuck You We're Not Even Trying to Hide it Anymore, the Michigan GOP introduced a bill that literally exempts white Medicaid recipients from work requirements imposed on black ones.
That, my friends, is how emboldened the white supremacist Republican Party has become. A special Whites Only Safety Net. Would Flint still be without clean water if it weren't majority African-American? That's a dumb fucking question.
You may recall a few days ago when the National Rifle Association proved to be such a sad, unpopular, lawless, organization that they were unable to find anyone to preside over their More Murder, Please lobbying operations other than a disgraced criminal arms dealer. Well, Ollie North, who literally sold weapons to terrorists, says the REAL terrorists are the teenagers whose friends were gunned down by a maniac and found the experience so unpleasant they gave it a one-star Yelp review and decided to work for a world where maybe any lunatic can't just walk into a store, stock up on weapons of war, and then murder a whole bunch of human beings.
So, everybody knows Shart Garfunkel’s presidency has been light on accomplishments, beyond I Sure Did Cut the Shit Out of My Own Taxes, Thanks for the Power, Suuuuuuuuckers!, and he likes to fill the void by...well, by making shit. So when he took credit for giving the military their first pay raise in decade, extending his arms to collect the expected shower of roses he'd never have been able to catch anyway with his tiny, inadequate, hands, it was merely the latest example of an insecure wannabe tyrant demanding praise for something he had fuckall to do with.
IN FACT, military raises are determined by an existing formula, and Il Douche initially tried to shortchange our servicefolk by giving them a SMALLER raise than was mandated. The Treasury needs that money for golf vacations, Soldier Boy!
Rudy Giuliani continues his audition for some sort of Worst Lawyer Ever reality show that may or may not exist only in his head. (If it's real though, I would watch that shit.) Now he's saying Donnie Two-Scoops personally scrapped the AT&T/Time Warner merger, which is not the Official Story and seems in fact to be the core of AT&T's legal case. You're sort of amazed, that this famous, powerful, man could be this fucking stupid, until you remember he thought he could run for President without campaigning before the Florida primary.
Word is Rudy and Donnie huddle regularly for “strategy sessions,” which one must assume consist mainly of the former NYC mayor bludgeoning the President's crotch with concrete blocks.
Giuliani also took a feeble a shot at Michael Avenatti, saying “I don't get involved with pimps,” and America enjoyed a good sturdy gut laugh at the constantly-grifting, pussy-grabbing, traitor's lawyer attempting to claim moral high ground.
Sarah Huckabee Slanders is MAD AS HELL that a member of her staff insulted an American war hero, no wait, excuse me, she's pissy that it leaked to press that Kelly Sadler told a hilarious joke about cancer killing John McCain HAW HAW HAW. She's not mad that a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot works for her, mind you. She's mad that the world knows that a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot works for her.
Oh, and of course the shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot will face no discipline for being a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous idiot.
Now, it's fucking hilarious (ALMOST AS HILARIOUS AS BRAIN CANCER HAW HAW HAW) that SHS’ meltdown over leaking...was immediately leaked. But somehow the right wing Victim Industrial Complex was out there spinning this garbage as some sort of violation of Sadler's privacy, and Sadler is the REAL victim here, because they decided a thousand miles back there wasn't room on the wagon for Decency, and all they have left now is Whining.
(Quick little shout out to Axios, for gaslighting the gaslighters with a follow-up article asking leakers to leak to their top ten favorite things about leaking. Number 6 will have you in stitches!).
As if to demonstrate the insane difficulty I face running a political satire blog in these batshit-covered days, Tangerine Idi Amin, elected on the promise of bringing back America's mining and manufacturing jobs despite having neither the plan nor the intention to do so, used the Electropneumatic Tweeting Machine to declare his newfound devotion to resurrecting lost jobs in...China?
Yes, the President of (let me double-check this real quick, this doesn't seem right) the United States wants to help out a Chinese phone company suspected of espionage, which got into trouble in the first place for violating sanctions on Iran and North Korea. I dunno, “America First” must mean something different in those diners the political media always lurks around looking for Drumpf voters to interview.
Whelp. You in MAGA nation, if you'd ever bothered to flip your red ballcap over to check the “Made In” label, you'd have seen this coming.
The Mystery of Donnie Dotard and the Sudden Interest in Saving Chinese Jobs was quickly solved, as we learned the Chinese government had approved a cool 500 million dollars in loans to an resort project in Jakarta that benefits the family business. These fucks are about as interested in hiding their corruption as their racism.
And the chorus sings: THEY MADE JIMMY CARTER GIVE UP HIS PEANUT FARM.
CBS reports the Shart Administration has ordered the television boxes at the Food and Drug Administration's Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research to broadcast Fux Nooz and ONLY Fux Nooz! Perhaps it's a deft strategic move designed to make it easier to induce vomiting among those who may've ingested toxic substances?
Betsy DeVos, who is unusually out-of-touch even amongst the group of Ridiculously Out-of-Touch Plutocrats Born Into Ridiculous Wealth, doesn't generally like showing up for work (which is for peasants) but has somehow found the time to use her position to shield campus rapists, and now, for-profit colleges. Yes, the DeVostator has shut down a number of investigations into fraud by for-profit institutions, ODDLY while hiring many of their former employees as her personal aides.
Look, the POINT is, you could complain about being defrauded by a predatory for-profit college that never intended to deliver on its promises and was only interested in bleeding you dry, or you could think of how happy you'd be working the land for a benevolent overlord like Betsy who okay, would technically “own you like property” but would surely have a financial incentive to keep reasonably healthy until at least your late 40's.
So, the lawyer representing the porn star suing the President for defamation released a photo of the President's shady, criminally-connected lawyer with a wealthy Qatari official accused of attempting to bribe the administration. I swear to god, I got that from the news, not the back cover of a crappy paperback novel I found in a hair salon. Oh, and Ice Cube was there. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
There's a fun little piece in the Daily Beast about former Mike Flynn toady Ezra Cohen-Watnick trying to start up a little private espionage program within the NSC, in order to spy on his co-workers and root out those demonstrating insufficient loyalty to the Not-so-Great Pumpkin. It's fun that old Stalinists are not only getting reincarnated, but finding their way to high-level jobs in the American government, isn't it? This goon, booted from the NSC last year, is about to go to work for Jeff Sessions! Sleep tight!
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian officially opened the relocated U.S. embassy in Jerusalem, a controversial move designed to placate the froth-coated base that wanted it for reasons they couldn't possibly explain, the sad simple truth being it's a cause dutifully parroted by sock puppet Congressdopes at the behest of powerful donors. I suppose a handful of the loonier types believe they just took a big step towards getting raptured up to spend eternity with Michele Bachmann in the Great Chik-fil-A in the sky, and who am I to stand between a maniac and his delusions?
The opening ceremony featured a prayer delivered by a bigoted “pastor” straight out of Mississippi Burning: the Musical, and - excuse me, it seems the Shart Administration actually felt the need to send TWO ass-backward HateYokels to speak at the event, just to eliminate any flickering illusion of decency. And Jared Kushner, to do the same for competence.
Oh, and the Israeli military killed dozens of protesters, including a number of children, which presented the Band of Bonehead Bigots in the executive branch with an opportunity to engage in their favorite activity: demonizing Muslims.
We've known for a while now that Orange Julius Caesar disdains silly little things like “expertise,” believing the only true authority is bestowed by television ratings. Well now it turns out he and Sean Hannity talk every night, looking dreamily at the posters of Pol Pot adorning their bedroom walls, dreaming of all the shitty things they'll do when they grow up.
With access to the finest minds and the greatest intelligence apparatus in human history, Fuck-O's getting advice from Sean Frickin’ Hannity. We are all going to die.
The Failing New York Times says Team Shitgibbon Prime is feuding with Team Vice Shitgibbon over their dueling attempts to lead the festering pile of intestinal meat known as the Republican Party. If the Treasonous Grifters and Hairshirt-Clad Fanatics want to go to war, I say lock ‘em in a room full of hammers and let god* sort ‘em out.
To ease tensions, Mike Pants hired Documented Journalist Assaulter Corey Lewandowski to his super PAC, proving the wingnut welfare system is alive and well.
Scott Pruitt's EPA tried to bury a report on chemical water contamination, and let me say it's really quite refreshing to encounter a Pruitt scandal that isn't about spending copious amounts of taxpayer money on himself. Maybe he can punch a reporter, or solicit an undercover cop next week, change shit up a little bit.
And spare a thought for the great Harry “the Honey Badger” Reid, who is battling cancer. Harry's one tough ol’ bastard, so cancer's got a fight on its hands this time.
It never fucking stops, does it. While I would very much like to get off this ride now, I understand that is not an option, so I would very much like a beer or three. And while I don't know quite how to restore sanity in my beloved country, at least I know where to go to procure beer. Tonight, it'll have to do.
*In this case, Thor.
Dipshit Diplomacy: Donnie Dotard's Dumbfuck Doctrine (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge.
(As usual, the post is available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/dipshit-diplomacy-donnie-dotards-dumbfuck-doctrine/)
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT Obama/America's reputation/Middle East stability/common sense/the stated goal of keeping Iran from developing a nuclear weapon/years and years of carefully-finessed carrot-and-stick diplomacy!
It took about nine minutes for Iran to threaten to go back to enriching uranium, and now Saudi Arabia is making noise about wanting a nuclear bomb of their very own to hold and to squeeze all night long, but worry not! The Shart of the Deal has promised he'll make a better arrangement! Just like with NAFTA, with the ACA, with assorted spending bills, with infrastructure, with the Paris Climate Agreement, with TPP, with his Big Stupid Trade War...another positively splendiferous deal, perpetually promised, never delivered.
Naturally, Donnie Dotard's preparation for that magically "better deal” amounts to lying in bed, covered in Big Mac sauce, fantasizing about getting a Nobel Peace prize, which he'll refuse to accept unless they make it bigger than Obama's, and if not then he'll just bomb the shit out of those prissy Swedes.
By the way, experts say pulling out of the Iran deal will cause massive increases in oil prices, so I hope everybody's thrilled to Make America Pay More for Gas Again! Kinda wacky that one side effect of Shartboy's boneheaded move will be an unlooked-for boon to Vlad Putin's one-dimensional economy, innit?
Sheldon Adelson tossed a $30 million check to the House GOP's super PAC, just a little note to say thank you for the extra SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS from their “tax reform” bill. Remember, the rest of America is supposed to fawn with gratitude because the same bill might just allow us to replace our toothbrushes as often as we're supposed to. BEND THE KNEE, SERFS!
Not being a great consumer of right wing media, I hadn't noticed Hugh Hewitt before he punked a certain under-qualified goon with that nuclear triad question during a presidential primary debate. At the time I thought, “Ah good! I probably don't agree with many of this guy's beliefs, but he seems like a principled fellow looking to save his party, and I can respect that!"
Hey, I've been wrong before, and I have the HDDVD library to prove it.
Turns out Young Hughward abandoned his NeverShart principles when his Salem Media paymasters reminded him of the check-issuer/check-casher nature of their relationship.
And Hewitt is nothing if not ethically consistent, as demonstrated by his proud, regular, defenses of Scott “Scandal-a-minute” Pruitt, who is probably locked in his soundproof booth, taping packs of taxpayer money to his thighs right now, but who used his post as EPA chief to do Hewitt a personal favor one time.
...the nuclear triad question was cool, though.
While we're on Pruitt, it's a Day of the Week, so of course there are fresh tales of Scotty's ridiculous corruption. What has two thumbs and used a frickin’ Black Hawk helicopter to fly to a coal mine? SCOTT PRUITT! Who took a climate-denying Catholic Cardinal accused of sexual abuse out to a 5-star restaurant in Rome? SCOTT PRUITT! (You're damn right!)
So, Michael Cohen, The Sez-Hoo Soothsayer, the Fuggedaboudit Fixer, set up a shell company to pay off Boss Pussygrabber's past flings for their public silence, this we knew already. Now it turns out said shell company accepted over a million bucks from a private equity company with ties to one of those shady Kremlin-connected oligarchs who just keep coincidentally popping up in stories about our absolutely-no-collusion-whatsoever grifter President.
What were the payments for? Well...nothing, it turns out. Or that's the spin anyway. Story is, Mickey Dead Eyes got hired for some sort of nebulous “consulting” services, which the firm quickly assessed he would be unable to actually provide, at which point they decided...to just keep paying him anyway, which is a totally normal thing private equity firms do all time; giving people money for nothing. (At press time, there is no definitive information on whether or not Cohen's chicks were free.)
Oh, and Cohen took another $600,000 from influence-thirsty AT&T, who don't seem to have gotten their money's worth. Now, if I was Michael Cohen, I'd call up Jacob Wohl and see how much you get him to shell out for a lock of Tangerine Idi Amin's hair.
Convicted for lying like a very naughty boy to the Mueller probe, Alex van der Zwaan reported directly to jail without passing Go or collecting $200. Though he's the very first Russia investigation target to do time, I think when all is said and done they'll have a prison gang large enough to inspire an OZ reboot.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Face wants to eliminate a high-level cybersecurity post, because while our nation was the victim of a dastardly and effective cyber attack in 2016, the end result was Bolton's unlikely return to power, and Johnboy's job security trumps national security.
Quick shout-out to Gina Haspel, for resurrecting the “Should America embrace evil because the dumbest & shittiest people among us are fearful and racist in addition to being dumb and shitty?” debate. God, it's depressing that we're even talking about this. Dick Cheney even emerged from his crypt just long enough to wheeze something about bringing back boiling oil before being driven underground by a crucifix-wielding descendent of the Van Helsing family.
Oh hey, the President of the United States casually threatened the freedom of the press again this week, rage-tweeting a threat to revoke some credentials if he didn't see more front-page stories about how Salma Hayek was a fool to reject his advances and as a result lives an empty life of regret.
Devin Nunes came here to fuck pigs and destroy as much of our nation’s law enforcement apparatus as he needs to in order to shield the Sunny D-Bag from the consequences of his life of crime, and he's all out of pork butt. Nunes, who leaks like he's wearing colander diapers, has been demanding the Justice Department give him all available info on an important intelligence source who's been feeding the Mueller investigation, in order to pass it on to Drumpf who would then pass it on to Putin who would then pass it on to a fucking assassin. This is called “modern conservatism.”
Anyway, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has, at least for now, convinced Devin to back off, possibly by presenting him with an envelope containing photographs of the House Intelligence Committee Chairman in various compromising, what-if-Eyes-Wide-Shut-were-set-in-a-slop-trough positions.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders casually conceded that the Shart House will not be pursuing that long-pledged infrastructure bill after all, because that would involve working instead of golfing, and that is simply not how these people roll. The promises about cutting his own taxes and helping out Uncle Vlad were the ones he meant, folks. Rebuilding your roads and bringing back your mining/manufacturing jobs? Not so much.
I know we're all well used to being embarrassed by our President by now, but we're in Meet the Parents territory, watching him get played by a third-rate dictator like Kim Jong-un. Look bro...when an authoritarian regime kidnaps some of your citizens and sends them to hard labor camps, DON'T COMPLIMENT THEM ON HOW WELL THEY TREATED THEIR PRISONERS. Oh, and I can't believe I have to even say this, but don't talk about your motherfucking ratings, dude, it's just GAUCHE.
Seriously though...kidnap some guys, torture ‘em for a bit, then act like you're the good guy for releasing them? How fucking stupid do you have to be to fall for that shit? Stupid enough to believe that the North Koreans are “suspending nuclear testing” as a gesture of goodwill at the exact same time they've coincidentally damaged their test site, I guess.
Fuck. Donald Trump is Kim Jong-un's birthday cake wish come true.
Former North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory apparently confused his radio show with the chat room for his Confederate Civil War re-enactment team, going on an extended rant about Charlotte electing black people to public office because black people aren't white like Pat McCrory, and Pat McCrory thinks that's wrong. And to think, some folks say there's a racism problem in the Republican Party.
President Shithole has one true talent; transforming the life of anyone foolish enough to trust and support him into a punch bowl overflowing with turds. And sooner than anyone expected, it was Rudy Giuliani's turn to pick up the ladle and fill his cup.
Yup, Rudy got his sorry ass fired by his law firm, who were oddly displeased at his extremely public statements about how they're always paying off their clients’ mistresses, shit son, what do you think rich dudes even have lawyers FOR?
Anyway, now that Giuliani has “resigned” wink wink, he can dedicate himself full-time to “negotiating” an end to the Mueller probe, which sources tell me mainly involves sitting in front of FBI agents while they laugh uncontrollably.
Vice President Mike Pants wants Bashful Bob Mueller to hurry up with his silly lil’ investigation, and get on with the exhoneratin’ already. Mike best learn to live with disappointment. He ain't gettin’ that chastity belt for Mother he asked Santa for, either.
I hope you'll consider funding my kickstarter for my forthcoming book, A Children's Treasury of Conservatives Being Jaw-Droppingly Shitty About John McCain Dying. From the “Legalize torture because it worked on ‘Songbird John’” dirtbag to Kelly “Who cares what he thinks he is dying like a common OLD-O” Sadler, the modern American right is nothin’ but CLASS.
Hey look, Sean Hannity is a taint-sucking slumlord, working to evict the sick and disabled all while bleeding his working-class tenants of every dime he can get get his grubby little mitts on. Yeah, like the wannabe autocrat fraud he slavishly promotes, Hannity's a real champion of those “forgotten people,” any one of whom he would happily turn into mulch if he thought they'd make his lawn look nicer.
Spare a dirge on the world's tiniest violin for Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who went to work for a fascist, racist, enemy of all things decent, only to have her fee-fees hurt when he turned his temper on her, even though she is a white Republican lady. She tells her friends she's just miserable at her job, which is BREAKING UP IMMIGRANT FAMILIES AT THE BORDER, so, y'know...FUCK HER FOREVER.
Nielsen is said to have gone so far as to draft a resignation letter, but has for the time being decided to keep on serving America's #1 domestic enemy, because like everyone in the Cabinet, she is a terrible human being and a collaborator. Here you go, Kirstjen, you have this rag to cry into, I used it to wipe my cat's ass.
GOOD LORD, SUCH FUCKERY! I know it's exhausting, friends. But the (goddamn) midterms are closer than ever, and we've even got this exciting net neutrality vote coming up in the Senate. Plenty of work t'be done. Let's get to it, huh?
Maybe We Should Rename "The News." Call it "The Asshole Chronicles" or Some Shit.
Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You've earned your brew tonight.” Others...I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that's accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days and it's all I can do stop myself from projectile vomiting like a Team America puppet.
(Anyhow, you know the drill. Post, with news links, available at: http://showercapblog.com/maybe-we-should-re-name/)
You know, I'm never gonna claim I've figured out the meaning of life or anything, but I will say this...if you're the kind of person that makes your colleagues go, “Stay the fuck away from my funeral, you putrid sack of scrotal rot,” you're probably doing something wrong.
John McCain is a tricky figure for us Resisters. Saved Obamacare, passed the plutocracy-entrenching GOP tax bill, served his country, yet foisted Sarah Freakin’ Palin upon it...it's complicated. I won't tell you how to feel about Senator McCain, but if the man doesn't want America's greatest domestic enemy stinking up his memorial service with treason and overcooked steak farts, well, I'd say he's earned the right to make that call.
(Retiring Bigotraisin Orrin Hatch disagrees. Look here, Orrin, you unprincipled, collaborating, embarrassment of a man, NO DECENT AMERICAN wants the Velveeta Vulgarian anywhere near them, least of all in their last moments above ground.)
The Failing New York Times reports the Pusillanimous Pussy-grabber did indeed know about the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen hush money payments months and months ago, despite public pinky-swears to the contrary. (And we really should've suspected something...a pinky-swear? Coming from the smallest finger on a hand renowned 'round the world for its pathetic inadequateness?)
Anyway, thanks to Rudy Giuliani's incessant televised bungling, I have no idea what the spin du jour is anymore. Maybe it's that Cohen awarded Stormy $130,000 for winning an essay contest on how neat it would be to fuck a guy who runs a fraudulent real estate university, and Il Douche offered to match the donation? Who the fuck knows? Or cares? GETTING BACK TO THE POINT, our President is a known payer of blackmail, and that is an astounding threat to the nation's security. Fuck all the gossip, THAT'S THE STORY.
Speaking of Cohen, the Wall Street Journal reports investigators are poking around into the whys and wherefores of how he came across an extra 700 grand in cash when he was paying off porn stars and whatnot. Reached for comment, Cohen said “Oh dat? Dat was from da Tooth Fairy.” When asked where all the extra teeth came from, Cohen fell silent for a moment, before pitching his voice higher and declaring “Mikey can't come to phone right now. Dis is his mother,” and hanging up.
Waterboarding/Evidence Destroying Enthusiast Gina Haspel tried to withdraw her nomination to head the CIA, before being talked down by Shart House officials. “No no, we're the bad guys, Gina! We pardoned Arpaio! We campaigned for Roy Moore! We break up families and steal health insurance, YOU'RE JUST WHO WE'RE LOOKING FOR!” And then they all ate a live puppy.
The Man with Phalangeal Stunting is NOT happy about John Kerry's “shadow diplomacy” to preserve the Iran nuclear deal, vastly preferring his own policy of Diplomacy Via Boneheads Who are Barely Smart Enough to Wear Pull-up Pants but are Nevertheless Quite Confident That All Diplomacy is Dumb. Shadow diplomacy probably isn't nearly as cool as it sounds, by the way. Like, I bet Kerry doesn't even own a grappling hook, let alone use it to scale skyscrapers in exotic locations to conduct secret meetings with ninjas or Knights Templar.
Sources say Bashful Bob Mueller interviewed Sharty McFly’s Confidant/Fellow Rich Jag Tom Barrack a few months back, though we don't have much information on what was discussed. However, in a breaking Shower Cap scoop, my mole inside the bureau tells me Mueller really put the screws to Barrack, demanding, “If you're such a good friend, how come you let him walk around with his necktie tied halfway down to his fucking knees like a prep school kid whose dad is still mad at the cheap gas station condom for breaking and saddling him with a son right in the prime of his life?”
Devin Nunes set down his crusty, dog-eared, copy of CHARLOTTE'S WEB just long enough to threaten Jeff Sessions with contempt if he didn't hand over a bunch of classified information for Nunes and his cronies to leak. The Pigfucker continued, “And why don't you save everyone some trouble and just send the docs straight over to the White House? Time is bacon, er, ‘money,’ y'know.”
Missouri Senator Roy Blunt slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to belch up some genuinely embarrassing sycophancy for his party's Diarrhea Overlord, saying the American people don't care so much that Oval Office has been soiled by a petty thug who lies and grifts and brings shame upon us all daily, just so long as he keeps cutting hedge fund managers’ taxes and deporting minorities.
Blunt was accompanied in the interview by a sickly, withered, miniature Roy-Blunt-shaped homunculus. When the hosts inquired about it, Roy said, “Oh, that? That's just my dignity,” upon which it disintegrated and blew away.
WaPo reports that the self-labeled “King of Debt,” (and Cap-labeled “Mountain of Dog Turds”) suddenly started buying a bunch of shit (you know, buildings, golf courses, fake Time Magazine covers) with cash, coincidentally around the time he seems likely to have begun laundering fat stacks of Russian oligarch rubles. Anyway, I'm sure it's just a coincidence Mueller has so many top-drawer financial crimes prosecutors on his team.
The following is an actual news story, and not a pitch for a 12-episode Netflix show:
Aides to the President of the United States of America hired an Israeli intelligence firm (Called, I shit you not, Black Cube. BLACK FUCKING CUBE. Didn't Black Cube supply the bomb Auric Goldfinger was gonna use on Fort Knox?) to dig up dirt on officials from his predecessor's administration in an effort to discredit an international nuclear treaty.
For good measure, Black Cube (Muthafuckin’ BLACK. CUBE.) used to perform similar work for one Harvey Weinstein, discrediting his accusers to cover up his repellent life of crime.
...y'know, I'm starting to doubt the sincerity of these folks’ outrage about the allegedly unforgivably political origins of the Pee Doss-excuse me, STEELE Dossier.
Scott Pruitt's capacity for manufacturing scandal has officially outpaced my ability to mock it. Honestly, how does this fuckhead find TIME for all this corruption? He's a malfeasance prodigy. I swear, some day we're gonna find he was skimming money from the neighborhood lemonade stand, while cutting the product with Crystal Light.
You'll be pleased to learn your taxpayer money funded a lavish Italian vacation for Scotty and his pals, featuring plenty of sight-seeing as well as the finest dining available. Yes, this administration still wants to cut Meals on Wheels.
Also, Pruitt's staff works diligently to shield him from public scrutiny and accountability, all while collecting salaries funded by that gaggle of chumps known as “American taxpayers.”
And STILL, despite single-handedly having more scandals than the entire Obama administration, Pruitt will report to work tomorrow morning, and lock himself in his creepy, cum-stained, soundproof booth, because we are governed by people who hold the rule of law in utter contempt. YAY.
While we're on the subject of America's Griftiest Cabinet, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao might not get much attention, but it turns out she's been using her post to help out daddy's shipping business! Now, while a scandal like this would have surely destroyed any member of Obama's cabinet, Chao can't even afford the buy-in at Ryan Zinke's weekly poker game, where the players are only allowed pay with the proceeds of their corrupt dealings.
CNN sent me a motherfucking push notification about Melania's approval ratings going up. (NO, I'm not linking!) Y’all, save that shit for fake Hawaiian nuclear launch alerts, ok? I think I trust myself to identify the appropriate time and place to delve into the first lady's polling. Which is never.
Speaking of Melania, she finally launched her campaign against cyber bullying, even while remaining married to history's most famous cyber bully. I look forward to Karen “Mother” Pence giving a TED talk on the dangers of ignorant, thumb-shaped, theocrats weaponizing phony piety in order to destroy women's rights.
Oh, and Melania also totally plagiarized her anti-bullying pamphlet. You can tell how much she cares about the issue by the way she goes, “Just slap my name on what the last administration did.” HASHTAG INSPIRATIONAL.
So, a few weeks back, President Crotchvoid signed a big spending bill without reading it, because he doesn't know shit about shit, and doesn't care that he doesn't know shit about shit, he just knows the sooner he signs the bills, the sooner he gets to go golfing. But then the slackjawed talking heads from the magic teevee box, to whom our President provides regular ceremonial offerings of the lettuce and tomatoes from his fast food burgers (veggies are for CUCKS), told him he got a bad deal, so now he wants Congress to pretty please agree to unspend that money so the teevee heads won't be mad at him anymore.
First on the chopping block is the frivolous, ego-stroking military parade he ordered a little while agHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA fooled you, no, they found 30 million bucks for THAT but they want to cut programs that provide health care to low-income children. Maybe we can put the sick poor kids right in front of the tanks, huh? TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
Internal candidate polling now shows Negligent Mass-Murderer/Reincarnated 19th Century Robber Baron Don Blankenship actually leading in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary. Blankenship, running on a platform of naked racism and bringing back the Pinkertons to crack skulls during teacher's strikes, claims he's even Trumpier than Trump himself, which kind of like pancreatic cancer strutting around in front of other, less fatal cancers. That's the state of GOP politics in 2018.
...y'know, I'm starting to think we dodged a real bullet when Charles Manson died before the 2018 Republican primary season.
Oliver North was named the new President of the NRA, because what better captain for the Good Ship Murder Lobbyist than a disgraced criminal arms dealer? North plans on holding meetings with fellow Gun Loon Leaders Wayne LaPierre, Dana Loesch, and Ted Nugent in a large, retractable, skull-shaped base in Slaughter Swamp.
Runt of the Klan Litter Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III decided he likes the tingly feeling he gets when he breaks up immigrant families at the border so much, he's gonna do as much of it as he can before Satan finally drags him down to the deepest pit of hell to chew on his little elf balls for all eternity. No fucking jokes here, folks. Jeff Sessions is one of the worst human beings in our country, a hateful little shitmonster who enjoys hurting people, and thinks his sins are justified because it was a white broad's crotch he happened to drop out of.
Always nice to see the Shart House congratulate a murderous autocrat on winning a fraudulent election, even as he continues to jail his political opponents. I suppose Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops can be forgiven for this one. Word is, Putin cut a new teaser trailer for the Pee Tape, and plans on attaching it to SOLO's international release.
George Zimmerman, a celebrity in fuckhead circles because of a murder he committed, has been charged with misdemeanor stalking for repeatedly phoning and texting threats to a private investigator.
Just to be direct for a minute, Zimmerman is essentially THE textbook example of why we push so hard for gun control. I don't know if this guy is mentally ill or just an out-of-control asshole, but he obviously has dangerously violent tendencies, as demonstrated by a lifetime's worth of run-ins with the law, and because he was still able to purchase his own little murder machine, a human life was snuffed out.
Let's make it so the bad guys can't get fucking guns in the first place.
And somehow, the biggest asshole of the day manages to be a Democrat. Eric Schneiderman, you fucking monster, you better have crawled away by the time I get this post up. And double-fuck you for taking on such an important role in this fight when you fucking well knew this would come out. I wanna build the biggest goddamn catapult in history and send you and Anthony Weiner to the fucking moon. May fire ants fill your colon, you festering hemorrhoid.
(OK. Fucker resigned while I was editing. Good.)
...yeah, might've gotten a little a nastier than usual tonight. Sorry, friends. To everyone out there resisting in any way, great or small, I appreciate you, I love you, and I hope you'll keep up the good work. I hope you'll do even more tomorrow than you did today. Your country needs you, and your labor, and your passion, and your decency. Now more than ever.
With Defense Attorneys Like Giuliani, Who Needs Prosecutors? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Just when you think shit can't get any crazier, enter Rudy Giuliani. Like you're making soup out of cat food, used toothbrushes, and broken glass, and you decide something's missing so you add a whole bunch of meth.
Fuck it, let's get through this before I pass out. (As usual, the post is available with links and other awesomeness, at: http://showercapblog.com/with-defense-attorneys-like-giuliani-who-needs-prosecutors/)
Former Drumpf Doctor/Howard Hesseman Character Harold Bornstein says Tangerine Idi Amin sent some goons to his office to steal the President's medical records, especially the ones that revealed his blood type to be KFC gravy. Oh, and that note Dr. B allegedly wrote during the campaign? The one that said Donnie was the healthiest, sexxxiest, normal-handsiest fellow to ever seek the Presidency? Yeah, Shartboy dictated that himself, I know you're stunned.
So yeah, fraudulent medical records, and a touch of breaking and entering...dunno if this cracks the Top 40 Drumpf scandals list, but Casey Kasem will have the weekly countdown Sunday morning!
Anyhow, Bornstein will be nominated to run the VA by next Wednesday.
A handful of the feral treasonweasels in the House Freedom Caucus are making noises (little squeaky weasel noises) about impeaching Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein for the high crime of Doing His Job. Rowdy Roddy snapped back that the Department of Justice “is not going to be extorted,” except for maybe the parts Jeff Sessions isn't recused from, you could probably extort those because Ol’ Beauregard is a petty, dishonest, worm of a man, who always, ALWAYS looks like he just sat on a pie.
We all know President Gas Station Urinal Cake is driven primarily by an all-consuming envy of his predecessor, so it must give him great pleasure to finally find a metric where he's outdoing Obama!
Yeah, Ol’ Barack saw the uninsured rate drop steadily during his tenure, but the Candycorn Skidmark has that number on the rise again! And congratulations to the 3.2 million Americans who once again find themselves one medical emergency away from financial ruin! MAGA!
Rolling Stone reports that Michael Cohen, that Fraudulent Fixer with Flair, used to make his money helping clients stage fake car accidents in order to sue insurance companies! Oddly, the experience has not helped him navigate the ten-car pileup his life has become.
Cohen looked like he was in REALLY deep shit earlier today, when NBC reported his phones had been tapped, and the feds had even intercepted a call with the White House. But then it turned out the investigation didn't have a wiretap, but rather a “pen-register,” which is just one more legal term we didn't have to know before the electoral college installed a mob boss in the Oval Office, kinda like “emoluments,” or the difference between being a "subject” of an investigation versus a “target.”
The Trump era may be a horrific, never-ending assault on the fundamental norms of American democracy, but hey, at least it's educational.
Disgraced former HHS secretary Tom Price accidentally let it slip that the GOP's repeal of Obamacare's individual mandate will harm consumers by jacking up prices, which we already knew but honesty on this particularly topic is always shocking, coming from a Republican. Price quickly backtracked, insisting what he MEANT to say was, “If I'd known what Scott Fucking Pruitt would be able to get away with, I never woulda resigned in the first place, paying for your own flights sucks.”
Vice President Mike Pants praised Former American Concentration Camp Commandant Joe Arpaio as a "champion of...the rule of law,” apparently having forgotten that little thing where he'd be in jail right now if he hadn't been given a Presidential pardon by a certain bloated orange oaf. Mikey Hairshirt went on to tout the Kool-Aid Man for his lifelong support of the fine art of masonry.
Earlier this week, smokey-eyed fibber Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement reading, “Iran has a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program," an accusation that not only contradicts all publicly available intelligence findings, but directly accuses Iran of violating the terms of the famous nuclear deal negotiated while Obama was President, BUT a couple hours later the Shart House was all, “Did we say HAS, cuz we meant HAD, sorry if we set off any international incidents with our laziness, but attention to detail is FOR CUCKS.
Seriously, these people are gonna accidentally start WWIII and try to tweet their way out of responsibility for it...”We meant LUNCH is at 11:30!”
In a massive victory for digital information security, Cambridge Analytica announced it will be shutting down, ridding the world of its scourge once and for - HAHAHAHAH don't be silly, the Mercers and their merry band of democracy-wrecking fuckwads already founded a new company, called “Emerdata,” so as to shift their troll-feeding, fake-news-spreading operations to a squeaky-clean, non-toxic new brand, kind of like how Blackwater doesn't exist anymore but it totally does.
Looks like the Shart House will be reversing an Obama-era order requiring annual reports on the civilian casualties of our overseas military operations. I can't say I'm surprised. If they're working so hard to hide Fat Q*Bert’s tax returns, and even his real weight from us, you really think they're gonna share the murder list?
Former Shart Campaign advisor Michael Caputo is shaking his fist in impotent fury that his association with a criminal enterprise has cost him so much money! Poor lil’ fellah! Is there a way to set up a crowdfunding site, only instead of money everybody kicks in dog poop and derisive laughter?
Looks like Team Traitor is so convinced the Mueller probe is just a big ol’ witch hunt they’re bribing Ukraine with anti-tank missile sales to get ‘em to stop cooperating with the investigations into Paul Manafort's various acts of international fuckery.
Kinda neat, isn't it, having the nation's foreign policy animated by the desperate ass-covering needs of a cheap crook? I look forward to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve being drained to cover Don the Con's mounting legal bills.
Ty Cobb is taking his ridiculous facial hair and going home, or at least back on the Colonel Sanders commercial audition circuit. Considering the turn the President's legal defense would take mere hours later, I imagine Cobb spent so much time high-fiving himself for his perfect timing that he broke several knuckles.
Rudy Giuliani said he could negotiate an end to the Mueller investigation in a few weeks, and we all laughed at him. But since he's apparently chosen a strategy of “Go on television and confess to committing a whole bunch of crimes,” maybe Rudy's crazy like a fox after all?
YES, Donald paid Cohen back the $130,000 in hush money, and YES he fired James Comey when Comey wouldn't say he wasn't a target of the investigation, and YES he killed Vince Foster, now who wants to come back to my place and watch the pee tape?
Yet somehow, Rudy feels justified in comparing FBI agents to “stormtroopers” for investigating this shit. Oh, and he wants Jeff Sessions to prosecute the investigators. Seems Mayor 9-11 has his own plans to destroy America. He'll obliterate the very rule of law in this nation, and for what? A ten-cent crook who uses weekly golf vacations to skim a few million out of the U.S. Treasury? Jesus.
A judge ruled Shart Garfunkel's shitty little name can come down off yet another building. The New York condo announced plans to rebrand as “Hillary Won the Popular Vote and Everyone Hates You” Place.
I'd LOVE to hear Eric Greitens describe the scenario where everything works out for him, and he goes on to a long and fruitful career in politics. Accused not only of an unusually reprehensible set of sex crimes, but of stealing a donor list from veterans’ charity, and now, we learn, setting a staffer up to take the fall, with bipartisan pressure to just go the fuck away, HOW DOES THIS WIND UP GOING YOUR WAY, BRO? Do you think you're Michael Douglas in The Game? Because that is literally your last, best, hope at this point.
I'm pretty sure Scott Pruitt is actually a set of identical triplets. There's no other explanation, no one man has enough TIME to fit this much corruption into his life. So like, Pruitt #1 went to Morocco on a lobbyist-arranged trip, while Pruitt #2 stayed home in Oklahoma to purchase a house with a different lobbyist, and Pruitt #3 just locked himself in the sound-proof booth, furiously masturbating to his ever-growing collection of first-class in-flight magazines.
To put a big fat maraschino cherry on the sundae of scandal, one of Scotty's thuggish little aides is apparently pushing dirty stories about fellow grifter Ryan Zinke in the hopes that the press will maybe let a couple of Pruitt's 649 known crimes slide to page twelve.
You really can't make this shit up. I mean that. This is officially beyond any fiction writer's imaginative capacity. By June, we're gonna learn the EPA is running a clandestine organ-smuggling ring, and fucking Drumpf STILL won't fire him. A couple of his henchmen resigned, though...I'm sure they'll be on Julian Assange's embassy couch soon enough.
That House chaplain that Paul Ryan forced out for suggesting the poor ought not be mulched has un-resigned, in a lengthy letter calling out the Speaker for sending a bigoted lackey to force him out in the first place. Ryan folded almost immediately, because, like all bullies, he's a coward at heart.*
And Bashful Bob Mueller's office filed a request for 70, yes SEVENTY blank subpoenas, which is good because he's so hard to shop for and I don't think I have his taste in neckties pegged correctly.
Mueller is also looking into interactions between Confessed Felon Rick Gates and Famed Windbag Roger Stone. Stone, who had the foresight to publicly brag about many of the crimes being investigated, seems to be relying heavily on the “I was just jokingly making stuff up what a funny coincidence all this is” defense, which is frankly hilarious at this point.
Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship really wants that Shitty Drumpf Base vote in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary, so he released an ad attacking Mitch McConnell for having a “China family,” and holy shit dude, in this age of Stephen Miller and Richard Spencer, it's hard to actually be shockingly racist, but you pulled it off. Also, fuck you for making Yertle look like the good guy.
And now Roy Moore wants to run for Alabama Governor again? I guess there weren't many spots available for “Celebrity Pedophile” on the reality teevee circuit. Well, you gotta keep busy, right? And when you're already banned from the mall...
Well, that's all I got for tonight, unless Rudy called in to Hannity to say Littlefinger uses the Lindbergh baby as a paperweight on his desk or something.
*Obviously, Speaker Ryan has no “heart,” per se, but “coward at the cavernous void located in his otherwise empty rib cage” just doesn't flow.
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