TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalLet Us Give Thanks for All the Bad Things That're Happening to Rudy Giuliani, and Other News(Ferret)
So, in my internet news-gathering travels this week, I came across that thing where apparently there are folks who like to lie, naked, ass pointed towards the sky, because they believe there are health benefits to be derived from getting sunshine on your butthole, and I’m starting to think maybe we deserve every bit of the crap that’s happening to us.
(And yeah, you can this post, with shiny colors and helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/let-us-give-thanks-for-all-the-bad-things-thatre-happening-to-rudy-giuliani-and-other-news/)
Well, since Ol’ Pigfucker Nunes got caught with his hand in the (insert traditional Ukrainian snack here I’m too tired to google that shit) jar, he’s suddenly staring down the business end of an ethics investigation, to be conducted by the very colleagues he’s been antagonizing and lying about for so long. Hee.
Devin’s defense strategy thus far has mostly involved making sad, empty, little threats about suing CNN and the Daily Beast, which of course everyone understands he will never actually do, but I think he may just keep on faking it on Fux n’ Fiendz, bragging about how the liberal media is too afraid to respond to the lawsuit he never quite gets around to filing. Basically, conservatism has devolved into subpar white dudes screaming “DEBATE ME” into the cold night sky.
As Nunes’ sweaty, stammering, Fux Nooz appearance proves, none of the Grand Wizard Grifter’s obsequious acolytes have the boss’ charisma, so the propaganda comes off a little flat, like Gregory Peck trying to play Ace Ventura. Like, remember Chris Collins? A few half-hearted rants about “fake news,” until the inevitability of the eventual guilty plea caught up with him.
Speaking of All the President’s Mediocrities, Gym Jordon’s hometown newspaper, the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, delivered the Jacketless Jagoff an atomic wedgie in op-ed form. Not to give Littlefinger advice or anything, but you need better goons, bro.
Senator Foghorn Leghorn, excuse me, “John Kennedy,” making a strong late push in the GOP’s annual Who Can Bring the Most Shame Upon Their Office tournament, went on Fux Nooz to parrot some straight-up Russian propaganda about Ukraine interfering in the 2016 election. John pulled off a nifty little trick though, because while he did walk the comments back from Servile Soviet Stooge to merely There’s a Putin Spooj Stain on My Jacket, he did so on CNN, leaving the brainwashed drones of the right-wing rube-o-sphere blissfully unaware of his correction. Clever.
New documents released by the State Department to a watchdog group link Secretary Pompeo directly to Rudy Giuliani’s Excellent-if-Felonious Ukrainian Adventure, a truly shocking development, because Mikey seems like such a fine, upstanding, fellow, and not at all like the sort of leering hooligan you’d expect to find standing menacingly behind a luxuriantly monologuing James Mason, before eventually clubbing Cary Grant into unconsciousness with a blackjack.
For a dude with few actual core beliefs beyond white supremacy and the desire to fuck his own daughter, it’s equal parts baffling and horrifying that one of the only things Tangerine Id Amin has been able to consistently focus the experimental-hair-tonic-rotted cluster of misfiring neurons he calls a brain on has been the “cause” of praising, pardoning, and elevating a small number of monstrous war criminals, against the advice of his own military commanders. And so here we are, with President Crotchrot firing the decorated Secretary of the Navy for opposing his plan to scrap the Lincoln Memorial in order to carve a new statue of Eddie Gallagher slaughtering civilians or some shit.
And word is, he want to take these monsters out on the campaign trail with him! Like, I know we’re doin’ a boiling frog thing here, but holy fuck, are we really at the point where the guy going, “sure, this vaguely person-shaped shit demon murdered women and children in cold blood, but they were BROWN women and children, so I’m proud to stand beside him and trumpet his endorsement because what unites MY coalition is burning, blinding, unapologetic, HATE!!!” has a floor of 60 million votes?
We learned that Team Treasonweasel dispatched the President’s Personal Prized Pet Poodle, Lindsey Graham, to block a bipartisan resolution recognizing Turkey’s Armenian genocide so as not to piss in Erdoğan’s tea while he massacres our Kurdish allies. Y’know, what we really need to do is bribe some petty tyrant into advocating for some progressive policies here at home. What do you think it would cost to get Rodrigo Duterte to call Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops up in the middle of night, angrily demanding universal pre-K for all Americans? Crowdfund that shit.
After a relaxing vacation spent torturing sea monkeys to death, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is ready return to her one true passion: fascism. Yes, the Uncredible Huck is now giving interviews ahead of an expected bid to become Turdlord of All Arkansas, like her shitmaggot daddy before her. Sarah says she hates being called a liar, but not enough to, y’know, take a lil’ honesty out for a test drive around the block. I get it; I don’t like being called a chubby motherfucker, but not enough to give up beer and cake.
Lots of mega-creepy stuff from prominent Republicans lately, to remind us that while we throw the word “cult” around kinda casually to describe their shitty little rage clique, they are in fact an extremely warped cult for the dense and deranged. Rick Perry, shattering once and for all the myth of the Smart Guy Glasses, proclaimed Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot to be God’s Personal Favorite Bowl of Buffalo Diarrhea or something, and Nikki Haley concurred, and then there was some snake-handling and speaking in tongues and Joel Osteen attacked a bunch of hurricane victims with a tire iron, because Jesus.
I confess, I’m not exactly sure why it was so important to God to deliver the most powerful military force in human history into the (tiny, adequate) hands of man perplexed by the dazzling intricacy of the device men call “an umbrella,” but I’ll leave that to the dirtbag theologians, I suppose. The only logical conclusion of the maniacal “God sent Donald Trump” theory is that God absolutely fucking despises the United States, and wants the nation and her people to suffer, and honestly, I don’t think we should rule that out.
Sharty McFly signed into law a bipartisan bill making animal cruelty a federal crime. He didn’t write it, he didn’t push for it, he didn’t work on it at all, but at least the tar-souled freak didn’t veto the fucking thing. Congratulations, I guess, on the single two-minute stretch of 2019 when you weren’t the single worst thing about life on Earth.
Another bill that I guarantee the Offal in the Oval never knew one fucking thing about until Mick Mulvaney shoved it beneath his ketchup-crusted, too-long, necktie to sign, creates a commemorative coin honoring the 100-year anniversary of women’s suffrage. Perpetually desperate for a spritz of the Perfume of Actual Accomplishment to mask the stench coming off the ever-growing Shitmound of Repeated Failure that is his presidency, he showered himself in glory, mocking all the loser presidents who came before him, for failing to issue the centennial coin before the fucking centennial fucking happened. This is the one they’ll remember you for, Dotard. I bet somebody picked up Mike Pants on a hot mic, going “this is a big fucking deal.”
Chosen one, indeed.
Didja ever see Terry Gilliam’s Brazil? ‘Member that one scene, where Robert De Niro gets engulfed by this malicious whirling storm of paper? That’s what’s happening to Rudy Giuliani, only all the papers are subpoenas relating to his “consulting” business. I’m being told by sources there are as many as seven crimes that Rudy is NOT currently being investigated for, but he’s hoping to get to them before the inevitable pre-dawn raid and schadenfreudelicious perp walk.
...Can we talk about how Mayor 9/11’s third act has basically been, “I’ll show you loser cuck terrorists how to destroy America, THAT’LL LEARN YA.”
Well, it looks like the advertiser boycotts have finally pushed Tucker Carlson over the line into open treason. When it comes time to pick teams for kickball, Liar Tuck doesn’t want America, he doesn’t want any of her faithful allies, he says “Red Rover, Red Rover, let Russia come over!” It’s a little weird that the folks siding with the hostile foreign power that attacked our election are the ones running the detention camps rather than populating them...I believe I’d like to speak with a a manager.
A federal judge ruled that former Shart House Counsel Don McGahn must obey a congressional subpoena after all, because Donald Trump may be the Emperor of Turds, but in America, we don’t “do” kings. Yeah, the Taintfungus Administration is appealing, but this one is a huge victory for the rule of law, in spite of that voodoo doll Shart Garfunkel keeps by his bed, which he pretends is the Constitution, and subjects to all sorts of horrors, many of which are sexual in nature so I shall not ruin your night by describing them here.
Meanwhile, a crazed, sweaty, Papa John is out there somewhere, freebasing six pizzas an hour, making threats like a below-average pro wrestler and OH MY GOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!
Surely there’s no more perfect symbol of the piss-stained, dumpster-dived, George Orwell coloring book we’re all trapped inside than the two day controversy over the gender of the hero dog from the al-Baghdadi raid. Is the entire executive branch of the U.S. government lying about canine genitals to cover up Grandpa Goebbels’ latest bonehead mistake? Maybe? Perhaps it doesn’t really matter so much, except in that these ratfinks lie about damn near everything, and since we can’t trust them to accurately evaluate the contents of a dog’s crotch, fuck no we don’t buy their “gosh I had a sudden urge to take a small portion of my annual physical this afternoon” bullshit. The Boy Who Cried Wolf isn’t a fable for no reason, you fucks.
The Duchess Melania got good n’ righteously booed by schoolchildren in Baltimore, because nobody on her staff was smart enough to keep her away from the city her buttpimple husband repeatedly demonizes in dehumanizing terms. In fairness, if they can’t do better than Mulvaney and Miller in the West Wing, I imagine you’re really scraping the bottom of the Veryfine Incel Staffing Agency’s temp pool barrel by the time you get around to staffing the First Lady.
Also, of course we can’t even get through the annual turkey pardoning schtick without a generous serving of self-pity with a side of authoritarian attacks on the free press, because hey, a little stochastic terrorism can go a long way over the long holiday weekend; gonna be a whole lotta emotional unstable loners to rile up, and it only takes one to massacre a newsroom, right?
New testimony released by the House Intelligence Committee reveals that Fat Q*Bert knew about the whistleblower complaint before he decided, in his magnanimity, to abandon his extortion scheme and release the aid he was illegally withholding from Ukraine. It’s just a shame that getting caught committing the largest crime in the history of the American presidency forced our devoted anti-corruption crusader to walk away from his commitment to clean up a country he couldn’t find on a map.
We also learned from the newly-released testimony that two OMB officials resigned as a result of the plot to hold up the aid, probably because “betraying the United States on behalf of the cheapest imaginable crook” wasn’t in the original job description on Craigslist.
Kentucky Republicans are pulling the now-standard “Welp, we lost the governorship, so it’s time to strip the office of as much power as we can get away with” bit, because they are anti-democracy fanatics who think ruling with the consent of the governed is for weenies. Well, it is YOU, Kentucky Republicans, who are the true weenies, says I.
After a killer opening set from Adam Schiff & the Inteladelic Funk Committee, roadies for Jerry Nadler and his Judiciary Jug Band are setting up the stage for the next round of impeachment hearings next week. Nadler is allowing Strawberry Shartcake and his lawyers to attend, which should put an end to all this whining about due process. And also stop the tide from turning and transform lead into gold.
In what has rapidly become a hackneyed cliche, here we are once again, at that point when Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “loyalty”) pretends he was barely acquainted with (checks notes) his personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani. (Fun fact: in his native treasonous douchebag dialect, “Giuliani” means “he who commits incest while neglecting dental hygiene!) Well, you had to know this day was coming, Cousin-Fucker, let’s see that “insurance policy,” huh?
Now, this is extra-hilarious, because in the doctored transcript of the Zelensky call the Adderall-Addled Assclown released, (you remember, the one where he openly commits an impeachable crime) he also tells the Z-man, “hey, work out the deets with my boy Roo-Roo,” and of course that’s far from the only evidence of this particular super-villain team-up, but the point is, godDAMN it is one of life’s great pleasures, watching these felonious scumfucks turn on one another.
Just a heads up, there’s a War on Thanksgiving now, and we’re the aggressors. Yeah, another of Weehands McNodick’s desperately-invented victories was over us dastardly liberals, when we demanded to rename Thanksgiving...fuck, I don’t even know we were supposed to have proposed calling it instead. “Piss on the Founders’ Graves Like a Flock of Russian Whores Day?” Who the fuck knows? I’m only telling you so you’ll understand why your spittle-drenched relatives back home are strutting so triumphantly every time they say “Thanksgiving” near you.
So it seems DHS and ICE worked out this zany little scheme where they set up a fake college, recruited foreign students, and then once they arrived, they got arrested and deported for attending a fake college. This is an elaborate, psychotic, plot to help Stephen Miller get his first erection, isn’t it? But seriously, who the fuck would DO something like this? What’s the POINT?
And yeah, President Gas Station Urinal Cake tweeted out that sad little picture of his face on top of Rocky Balboa’s body, the latest manifestation of the ravenous insecurity that drives his every pathetic, attention-crazed, act. Not for one passing moment of his misspent life has he experienced happiness or peace, and that’s an awful existence I wouldn’t wish on anyone...else.
I hope you wore a helmet today, because we were pelted with a veritable hailstorm of stories about Rudy Giuliani’s corrupt activities in Ukraine. Seriously, I’ve had shovel my driveway clean of Rudy Gnus twice already today.
The Justice Department’s inspector general found no evidence that the FBI spied on the Shart campaign in 2016, yet another example of the villainous deep state suppressing non-existent evidence of the batshit conspiracy theories the Velveeta Vulgarian pulls out of his let’s-just-call-it-significantly-different-than-Sylvester-Stallone’s ass. Your QAnon-addicted cousin may need a hug this weekend, is all I’m saying.
And with that, I will leave y’all to your families and your dinners and your football games and your sex dungeons or whatever else you have planned. Don’t let the political arguments get too out of hand, unless somebody reading this happens to be Bill Barr’s Thanksgiving, in which case you have my blessing to tear that bastard a new asshole.
...and make sure it gets plenty of sun.
Let Me Coax Poo Jokes Out of the "Impeachment Hoax" for You Folks (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Greetings, fellow Agents of Soros! How are you planning on spending your globalist payoff this week? I was gonna pay down some debt, but reading the news this week, I realized I needed a beer. Or twenty. Holy fuckballs, this shit is CRAY.
(And yeah, you can find this post, with helpful news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/let-me-coax-poo-jokes-out-of-the-impeachment-hoax-for-you-folks/)
So, just to get the obscure, boring, inconsequential, stuff out of the way up front, I guess we had some televised impeachment hearings this week. I won’t go over all the details of the testimony, but I will give you a list of 16 winners and 9 losers, JUST KIDDING I may be a drunken maniac in a luchador mask, but at least I’m not a hack like Chris fucking Cillizza. Suffice to say, if you were playing a drinking game where you took a shot every time a witness offered something damning about the Trump/Giuliani Extortion Cabal, you’d be dead now. If you also drank every time one of the feral GOP assclowns on the committee said something colossally stupid, you’d be mummified, too.
Republicans are having a hard time defending the Offal in the Oval, likely because in addition to all the documented and corroborated testimony, the dopey old bastard has confessed, several times, in public, including fucking TODAY.
The good news for the GOP, of course, is that their millions-strong rube base isn’t interesting in silly ol’ things like facts! Not when you can tune in five nights a week to have Sean Hannity skip over all that dreary nuance and just tell you who to hate! Yes, the only downside to building an airtight case in the real world is that about 30% of your countrymen have elected to reside elsewhere, in a Shitty Wonderland where the cheapest imaginable con man is Christlike, and anyone who chooses to stand up for American democracy automatically becomes a villain, simply by virtue of opposing the Turd Emperor.
So of course there’s a coordinated attempt to smear Alexander Vindman as some sort of Ukrainian double agent, even as the right wing jagoffosphere attacks Fiona Hill, who has more patriotism in a single singed pigtail as the lot of them put together, as un-American because she sounds like one o’ them Game of Thrones people when she talks. Remember, the only point in destroying these brave, faithful, civil servants is to help Hairplug Himmler get away with using the powers of his office to extort a brave, faithful, ally. I’m sticking with the team that still values bravery and fidelity, thanks.
Team Treasonweasel was particularly upset Lt. Col. Vindman wore his uniform to the hearings, on account of how starkly it drew the Purple-Heart-winning Patriot/Treacherous Thug contrast for the viewers at home. Skidmark, Jr. was particularly unimpressed with Vindman, who has probably never, in his whole lifetime of service to the United States of America, done anything nearly as heroic as having Daddy buy him a spot on the bestseller list.
It’s almost as if it’s the very goodness, decency, and courage of the witnesses that brings out the snarling rage in these sniveling fucks. Marsha Blackburn has been flying under the radar a bit since ascending to the Senate, but she simply couldn’t stomach watching Vindman fight for his adopted nation, without exposing the oozing tumor she calls her soul. He’s worth 60 of you, Senator.
With all this rage and hate directed at a good man, simply for fulfilling his oaths while so many around him ignore or betray their own, is it any wonder the U.S. Army is looking at the necessity of providing Lt. Col. Vindman and his family extra protection? Remember back in the day, when you didn’t know what the words “stochastic terrorism” meant? Those were good fuckin’ days, weren’t they?
Even Kurt Volker and Tim Morrison, witnesses the GOP requested, added to the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, leading Devin Nunes to implicate his own half-chewed cud brain in the deep state conspiracy to turn the 2016 election back into a pumpkin, or whatever mindless drivel was leaking out of his pigfucking mouth hole that day.
Of course, we can forgive Devin for being peevish, what with Eric Swalwell reading that Daily Beast article, about the Ham Hammer’s ties to indicted Giuliani associate Lev Parnas, into the official record. At what point are you legally required to rebrand your so-called “political party” as an organized crime ring, I wonder? Can you spend super PAC money in the prison commissary? UPDATE: Devin's problems got a whole helluva lot bigger while I was getting tonight's blog up...
Despite the clear and overwhelming evidence of the criminal conspiracy emanating from the Shart House, retiring Texas Congressdisappointment Will Hurd mercilessly clubbed to death the last fleeting hope that the Republican Party might contain a handful of sane, rational, elected officials who would be willing do something radical, like maybe putting country before party, and standing up for the rule of law. Like, in five years, a “moderate Republican” will be one that advocates for potable water in the concentration camps.
Off-Brand Huckabee Knockoff Stephanie Grisham, perhaps out of boredom borne of never once doing her actual fucking job, decided to spread a sad, mean, little lie, that Obama administration officials left their Trumpist successors hateful little notes during the transition period, in addition to hiding thumbtacks on all the chairs, and also they installed pits of lava that everyone had to jump over like Mario and not Level 1-1 lava pits either, I’m talking some seriously sadistic Mario Maker shit here. Anyhow, Grisham’s compulsive, mendacious, craving for victimhood is deeply pathetic, and I’m honestly grateful I’m not that fucked up.
I was briefly hospitalized this week, because I read that Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo is concerned his association with Kid Kompromat is tarnishing his reputation ahead of a potential Senate run, and I laughed so hard I fractured three ribs. Mike, you have the reputation of a stupid, lying, crooked, malicious, disloyal, anti-American, autocrat stooge, and it is RICHLY deserved. Anyway, it looks like 2020 will feature Kansas’ Pompeo/Kobach primary competing with Alabama’s Sessions/Moore face-off in the finals of the Absolute Shitbag Olympics, that should be a real nail-biter.
We had another one of those “wow, that’s really great satire, nice w-NOPE IT’S FUCKING REAL” moments when a photographer captured a shot of the notes Weehands McNodick had scrawled out with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, before waddling out to whine in front of the cameras for a bit. Yeah, and somehow the doddering old fart who needs to write down “NO QUID PRO QUO” lest it vanish from his addled brain like Tiffany’s birthday perceives himself as a skilled and feared master negotiator, even as he gets repeatedly rolled by a ninth-rate crime lord like Kim Jong-un.
Because his actual record is merely a litany of crimes and failures, President Crotchvoid frequently takes credit for shit he had nothing whatsoever to do with, which makes sense, in fairness, because “Re-elect me so I can keep stealing and fucking shit up” isn’t a great message. Anyway, now he’s taking credit for an Apple factory in Texas, which has been open since 2013, but which he now claims sprang, fully-formed, from his spray-tanned forehead just this week. Hey, if you’re still falling for this garbage, you deserve your life.
Because basic human decency is partisan now, Iowa’s Joni Ernst is blocking reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, over closing the “boyfriend loophole,” and expanding protection to Native Americans and LGBTQ citizens. Basically, Joni wants a Violence Against Straight White Women Who Vote Republican The Rest of Y’All Can Go Fuck Yourselves Act, and I honestly can’t fathom how a person becomes so epically goddamn awful.
While Strawberry Shartcake can’t seem to find the time to read a chapter in an Economics 101 textbook on how trade works, he can be quite the fussy little micromanager when he wants to, as demonstrated by his insistence on overruling the Navy’s decision to expel Eddie Gallagher from the SEALs for being a MOTHERFUCKING WAR CRIMINAL. Golly, I sure wish the President cared as much, or fought as hard, for ordinary Americans as he does for psychotic murderers.
Benjamin Netanyahu got indicted on multiple counts of bribery and whatnot, and wasted no time whatsoever in attacking the very rule of the law, calling his prosecution a “coup,” and demanding investigations of the investigators. I tell you what, Martha, I knew right away that mean-looking Trump Boy Bibi’s been hanging out with was going to be a bad influence.
One of the many casual verbal spankings Fiona Hill delivered during her testimony was a denunciation of the conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election. Republicans on the Intel Committee responded with theatrical indignation, because, they said, while this is a lie spread by countless Republicans, and while they themselves spread countless lies of their own, this particular group of Republicans was innocent of parroting that particular lie, they had admitted Russia interfered in the 2016 election, GLOVE SLAP and pistols at dawn. Anyway, the President of the United States, pairing his already-potent pulpit with the Fux n’ Fiendz platform, called in to chat a bit with his favorite advisors (heaven help us), ranting like a loon who sprinkles meth and Alex Jones’ ballsweat on their morning cornflakes about Crowdstrike and Ukraine and Hillary Clinton waking him up in the middle of the night, yelling at him through the fillings in his teeth.
It might seem weird to you, watching the President of the United States giddily spreading Russian propaganda designed specifically to weaken and harm those same United States, but then you think about the trade war, and the sudden retreat in Syria that led to the release of dozens of ISIS prisoners, and you start to notice a fucking pattern, DON’TCHA?
It must also be noted, that equally important to regurgitating Daddy Vlad’s misinformation on national television, the Manchurian Manchild took special care to denounce Ambassador Yovanovitch...for not hanging his photo up in the embassy in Kyiv. It goes without saying that this, too, was a lie, but I confess the greatest mystery of Trumpism, for me at any rate, is how the slavering hordes of Cult45 can look at this quivering, terrified, coward, who is basically like What If You Drained and Distilled the Insecurity Out of Every Single Pimple on Every Single Tween’s Face and Shoved it into an Ill-Fitting Suit, and see “strength.”
Much to my surprise, Lindsey Graham keeps on finding residual scraps of dignity to throw away, launching a little bullshit show “investigation” into the Bidens, in hopes that the President will call him a Good Boy and take him out for a walk to poop in the Rose Garden. Smilin’ Joe wants you to know he’s not mad, Lindsey, just disappointed.
Early reports say a forthcoming Justice Department inspector general’s report takes a sloppy dump square in the middle of right-wing conspiracy theories about the Russia investigation (yes, the one that uncovered numerous crimes, including a coordinated foreign attack on our election; Republicans are mad that we investigated this, for some reason*), which was not, it turns out, a dastardly deep state NeverTrump plot against Saint Donald the Pure Except for the Stealing From Charity Thing Also the Pussy-Grabbing and Yeah Maybe We Should Just Drop It after all. Your QAnon-obsessed uncle back home will be dejected at this news, at least until he decides it’s only further evidence of just how deep the cover-up goes, maaaaaaaan, and retreats back into his fantasies of mass arrests of Democrats, followed of course by mass executions. Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with that dude, by the way.
Well, at the risk of seeming selfish, I have earned my fucking weekend, and I’m fucking well taking it. We’ll see how much the shitstorm subsides over the holiday week; I’ll check in once there’s a sufficiently high stack of madness at which to gape.
*The reason is that they are traitors.
After a Secretive Hospital Trip, We Have to Wonder: Is God About to Impeach Donald Trump?(Ferret/SC)
Lots of shit has hit lots of fans these past few years, but we’re gonna need all the windmills in Holland to handle the coming turdstorm. I’m trying to save up my energy for the weeklong impeachment buffet, so let’s plow through the appetizers, cleanse our palates with a little justice sorbet, and get ready for the main course.
(And yes, you can find this post, with all the news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/after-a-secretive-hospital-trip-we-have-to-wonder-is-god-about-to-impeach-donald-trump/)
Well, to hear Generic Sarah Sanders Substitute Stephanie Grisham tell it, on Saturday afternoon, bored with golf and screaming at the Magical Talking Television Box, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot was overwhelmed by a sudden urge to rush over to Walter Reed to take his annual physical. Well, part of it, anyway. Months early. Just cuz. This is a totally regular, normal, thing lots of regular, normal, people do all the time, really; perfectly mimicking the steps one would take in a medical emergency while actually seeking a routine checkup scheduled for months in the future. Well, again, part of it. Not all. Also super deluxe meganormal to break one’s physical into chunks.
So yeah, the Shart House is rather obviously lying to the American people about the state of the President’s health, which I don’t think is fair, because if it’s something serious, I’d really like to be able to stock up on champagne and confetti, and you know there’s gonna be a run on that shit if he just unexpectedly drops dead. Party supply stores’ll look like those photos of empty bottled water shelves right before a hurricane. Like, what if the tariffs have drastically depleted the supply of noisemakers and little pointy conical hats? We need to be able to plan around that stuff, is all I’m sayin’.
So Redactor General Billy Barr gave a terrifying little speech about how an unchecked executive branch is good, actually, and how you can lead an increasingly authoritarian Republican Party to the Constitution, but you can’t make ‘em read it. If American democracy survives, we’re gonna have to remember to ask future AG nominees to answer questions like “on a scale of 1 to 10, precisely how horny for fascism are you?” during their confirmation hearings. Live n’ learn.
Well, the Trump doctrine is really coming into focus in Syria. He likes to say America First, right? Well, on the military bases we hastily abandoned on Hairplug Himmler’s murderous-dictator-placating whim, America was there FIRST, but Russia is there NOW. I don’t know about y’all, but seeing the Russian flag flying on a pole paid for with my tax dollars, I feel about as patriotic as a bald eagle vomiting up the partially-digested remains of a poisoned rat.
I guess we have to keep on talking about Elise Stefanik and her plot to ascend to MAGA glory via two of Trumpism’s central tenets: whining and lying (I’m sure the racism will come soon enough). Yes, Stefanik, aided by that treacherous pigfucker, Devin Nunes, cooked up a slick little stunt, speaking out of turn during the impeachment hearings, in order to disingenuously lay claim to Holy Victimhood, for lo, under the tyranny of Adam Schiff and his gavel, she was most vilely forced to Wait Her Turn, Just Like Everybody Else. Of course, the scheme backfired, with her Democratic opponent, Tedra Cobb, raising a cool million bucks off that sad piece of jagoff performance art. Come 2021, I bet you can land a gig as a concierge in Trump Towers Istanbul, Elise.
House Dems released more impeachment hearings testimony over the weekend, likely to give President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster something to read during his newfangled, multi-stage, physical. Tim Morrison testified that Littlefinger did a bunch of illegal shit, but since Morrison doesn’t personally think the illegal shit was illegal, Gym Jordan and co. are proclaiming their Turd Emperor fully vindicated, which...whatever, bro. Jennifer Williams confirmed much of what we already know, and I have to have to say, this shit is pretty thoroughly corroborated for a deep state hoax.
If you’re Donald Trump (and I assume you’re not, but if you are, hey fuck you, buddy), you can’t spell “Louisiana” without “Loser,” because even holding three separate Klan rallies for his chosen candidate wasn’t enough to win Saturday’s gubernatorial election runoff in the deep-red Pelican State. I’m not saying the pelicans are red, by the way, that would be silly. Though it turns out, the Red Pelicans were an aerobatics team in the 1960’s, which is kind of interesting; I google all kinds of shit when I write this blog. ANYWAY, my point is, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops keeps on losing, because he is a great big loser.
Y’know, if I’d spent countless years on an intricate plan to infiltrate the Republican Party, going so far as to get extensive plastic surgery in order to look exactly like Reince Priebus, (down to distilling a cologne from the musk of multiple mustelids, so as to smell extra weaselly) with the intention of destroying the bastards from within, I don’t think I’d have managed to lose governor’s races in both Kentucky AND Louisiana, on top of an Alabama Senate seat and 40 House districts. Someday, I may have to have send Donnie Dotard a thank you card for all the work he’s done on behalf of the Resistance, assuming he’s allowed correspondence in jail.
Unmoved by popular opposition to his Big Stupid Wall, his Big Stupid Trade War, his concentration camps full of traumatized children, his white supremacist immigration policies, or his repeated attempts to steal health care from millions, the Marmalade Shartcannon suddenly turned weak-kneed poll-watcher over a proposed ban on flavored e-cigarettes. I suppose when you’re a Republican gettin’ his ass kicked in the Deep South, you kiss whatever asses are willing to remain in the room. Maybe I’ll drop by the Trump building downtown, proclaim myself a swing voter, and demand free beer, served in their fanciest available glassware...hang out for a few hours, then piss all over the most expensive rug I can find.
Ron Johnson, the Dumbest Man in the Senate Except for the Days When Louie Gohmert Gets Lost, says that the REAL problem with the Ukraine scandal is that the public found out about it at all; what’s the point of even having a President if we’re not going to let him extort foreign governments in peace and comfort, right? Sadly, RoJo, we have indeed learned of the Individual Wonder’s many crimes, and if the best you have to offer is stale whining about Peter Strzok’s texts, I guess you’re just one more hapless nitwit on a defense team led by Rudy “I’ll confess to everything on TV” Giuliani.
It seems there have been more mass shootings in the last week than there were attendees at the Dallas Straight Pride Parade, make of that what you will.
In today’s Swamp-Drainin’ Best People profile, meet Clarence Mason Weaver, who hilariously imagines that his hateful, ignorant, misogyny makes him some sort of “alpha male.” Now, me, if I were trying to get re-elected, and I’d already pissed female voters off so much it cost my party numerous suburban House districts they’d held for years, or even decades, I wouldn’t be bringing on dudes who like to bleat toxic shit about how women should be “handmaidens,” but then, I suppose I’m not a blistering idiot with a mind rapidly deteriorating from exposure to experimental hair tonic fumes.
And Former Best Person Mina Chang announced her resignation from the State Department post she had no fucking business holding in the first place, whining about being “unfairly maligned” because the media, those dastardly enemies of the people, revealed that her resume was full of pipin’ hot piles of fresh bullshit, rather than the more traditional “actual experience and accomplishments” most employers tend to gravitate towards. Miss ya already, Mina.
Poor Doug Manchester didn’t even get the chance to officially become one of the Best People, despite a seven-figure bribe, er, I mean “donation.” Look, a team that’s losing to Democrats in Kentucky and Louisiana needs all the cash it can get, so of COURSE they tried to drag another half million out of you, Dougie! You should count yourself lucky though, the rich fucks who managed to successfully pay their way to ambassadorships in this administration tend to find themselves at the heart of international criminal conspiracies.
In light of testimony at Roger Stone’s trial that seemed to indicate Dorito Mussolini lied to the Mueller investigation, House Democrats are now investigating whether or not Dorito Mussolini lied to the Mueller investigation. I can spare you some time, folks; he absolutely lied to Mueller. He lies to everyone. Right now, he’s telling Mick Mulvaney to go ahead and a start a West Wing Secret Santa pool, and that he’ll get a really awesome present for whoever he draws, when we all know he’ll just wind up jamming a gift certificate to Trump University into a greeting card, probably one that reads “World’s Greatest Dad,” without even bothering to scratch out Eric’s signature.
Here’s one I missed last week: seems the Poo Mistake has developed quite the taste for extorting our most faithful allies, demanding a 400% increase in protection money from South Korea under the threat of removing U.S. troops, and canceling joint military exercises to placate the tenth-rate dictator who apparently gets to set American foreign policy now.
Of course, North Korea responded to all of these unilateral concessions by inviting Weehands McNodick to use his tiny, inadequate, fingers to stuff his ass full of undistributed challenge coins, refusing to even restart talks. Lord. The Washington Generals win more.
Republicans tend to oppose welfare except when it’s for big corporations...or Benjamin Netanyahu. Anyway, Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo helpfully crossed another item off Bibi’s bucket list, announcing the U.S. would no longer view Israeli settlements in the West Bank as “inconsistent with international law,” reversing decades of American policy. At least Netanyahu, unlike Kim Jong-un, has the decency to publicly kiss Fat Q*Bert’s ass.
House Dems released the impeachment hearings public testimony schedule for the week, and it’s like Coachella, only for patriots desperate to save their country from tyranny. A late addition, David Holmes, will be playing through his popular early album, “I Overheard the President Telling Gordon Sondland to Get Ukraine to Investigate the Bidens,” in its entirety, which should be a real treat.
Ok, Resisters, we’ve got a long week of watching Adam-Schiff’s-boot-shaped welts raise all over Shart Garfunkel’s ass. Remember to stay hydrated, and keep lozenges at hand in case you go hoarse from laughing at Devin Nunes. I’ll see y’all soon.
I Can't Believe I Stopped Laughing at Roger Stone Long Enough to Write This (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Shit remains utterly, uncontrollably, cray, but I confess it’s a great deal more bearable when the good guys are on offense, chalking up wins. So let’s keep a spring in our step as we wade through the thigh-high muck this week, shall we?
(These posts really do make more sense with all the links, get ‘em here: http://showercapblog.com/i-cant-believe-i-stopped-laughing-at-roger-stone-long-enough-to-write-this/)
Well, the public impeachment hearings are underway, preempting daytime soaps and Press Your Luck reruns across the nation, with House Democrats and a handful of patriotic civil servants doing their level best to save the country from the gangsters who would, given the chance, unhesitatingly use the U.S. Constitution to wipe the fingerprints off the candlestick they’d bludgeon Adam Schiff to death with.
On the other side, snarling Republican goons, who have chosen to spend their precious time on this Earth fighting tooth and nail for the Trump clan’s right to steal anything that’s not nailed down, in hopes of living off their sloppy scraps, I suppose. The task of defending an obviously guilty human shitstain is neither easy nor enviable, of course, but holy shit these clowns still suck at it.
Conservative pundits are all “Read the Constitution, libtards! It doesn’t specifically say Extorting Vulnerable Allies for Dirt on Joe Biden and his Large Adult Son is an impeachable offense!” like they’ve just solved the riddle of the fucking Sphinx. “...oh, and while we’re on the subject, the Constitution is also conspicuously silent on the impeachability of lapping hooker pee off Russian bedsheets like a goddamn Pekingese. No I don’t bring that up for any particular reason.”
Because we live in Hell, a prominent HAWT TAKE on the televised hearings that laid out evidence of the President of the United States running the nation’s foreign policy as an extortion ring for personal gain was that they lacked...PIZZAZZ. Now, in addition to being one more terrifying, standards-lowering, brick in the depressing, justice-annihilating, road that seeks to replace information with entertainment, the criticism was also totally unfair, as the sparkly, glow-in-the-dark, pasties Chairman Schiff wore during his closing statement can be found, in the Oxford Frickin’ English Dictionary, RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF PIZZAZZ.
We learned that Gordon Sondland, famous for being U.S. Ambassador to the European Union, as well as for having his nuts in a rapidly-tightening vice, took his duties so seriously that he called President Crotchrot from Kiev on an unsecured personal cellphone, guaranteeing that every Tom, Vlad, and Harry foreign intelligence service intercepted the call. Oddly enough, the GOP, who seemed like a party concerned with little else BUT information security when Hillary Clinton’s private server was in the headlines, seems to have no problem with this breach, or even that one time Fat Q*Bert fed the Russians classified intelligence right in the very Oval Office. You know, I’m starting to have concerns about the consistency of these folks’ ethical stances.
Ohio Republicans, in a quest to render the children who go through their public school system permanently unemployable, want to give kids the “freedom” to overrule dumb ol’ history and science with personal religious beliefs, and if we don’t swing this country back, hard and fast, we’re gonna wind up with lessons in bloodletting and leech application in Home Ec.
A report from the State Department’s Inspector General finds that Treasonweasel Administration political appointees improperly retaliated against an official, partially because of her ethnicity, another shocking example of white supremacists doing white supremacist things. Stephen Miller’s gotta be wondering, “how many Federalist Society thugs do we have to appoint to the courts before we get to just hang a Whites Only sign on the entire executive branch? SHEESH!”
(Yes, Miller still holds his powerful Shart House post, despite the recent discovery of his hellaciously racist emails; it would take barely a thimbleful of decency to fire him, but may as well ask for the whole dang Grand Canyon when it comes to Government Cheese Goebbels.)
Having lost in every court along the way, the Marmalade Shartcannon now takes his battle to Please Please Please Let Me Hide My Tax Returns Putin Owns Me So Hard He Literally Carved His Initials Onto My Fucking Kidneys to the Supreme Court, where he has appointed two Justices. He’s a couple televised hearings away from turning up on Kavanaughty’s stoop with a sixer of Schlitz, offering to play Devil’s Triangle.
Oh hey, Redactor General Billy Barr’s corrupting ooze apparently has yet to seep into every recess of the Justice Department, because guess who has his very own brand new campaign finance violation investigation? Freshman Florida Congressjag ROSS SPANO, that’s who! Ross just barely squeaked into the House last fall, so I say let’s boot this crook before the furniture in his new office has time to get dusty.
News of yet another tragic school shooting broke at the precise moment Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, an unusually useless right-wing rubber stamp in a caucus filled with useless right-wing rubber stamps, blocked a bipartisan universal background check bill, a perfect real-time reminder that the business of the Republican Party is producing a never-ending line of lives cut short, families torn by grief, and extensions to Wayne LaPierre’s house. For those who would like to pry the U.S. Senate out of the NRA’s odious hands, Mike Espy announced he’s seeking a 2020 rematch over Cindy’s seat. It’s a longshot, sure, but imagine the rewards if we pull it off...
Following longstanding family tradition, Shitweasel, Jr., cheated his way to the top of the (Failing) New York Times Best Sellers List, with the help of some bulk purchases from the Party of Lincoln Well Not Anymore Mostly We Just Enrich the Trumps Nowadays But Lincoln Was Cool Once Upon a Time. Honestly, I’m not even mad; if the RNC wants to piss away donor money to fluff a pampered rich boy’s ego rather than investing in Congressional races, I’ll fucking lug the boxes for ‘em. So long as they pay me. In donor money.
Apparently worried that Texas’ transformation into a swing state was going too slowly, the Turdmaggot Administration escalated the legal battle to seize (or “steal” if you’re feeling frisky and/or honest) private land for Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants. This must be that “small government” conservatives are always lecturing us about. So Donald Trump can just take our stuff now? If you try pulling this eminent domain shit on my Weird Al Funko Pop, it’s not gonna go well for you, Smallhands.
The Shart House released the transcript of an earlier call between Tangerine Idi Amin and Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky, the idea apparently being to show what a very good boy Wee Don can be, because he doesn’t commit crimes on every single call he makes. Hilariously, these clowns still managed to step on their own dicks, as they had previously claimed this call demonstrated Littlefinger’s heroic commitment to rooting out corruption, and while the transcript depicts a great deal of moronic rambling about beauty pageants, corruption doesn’t come up at all. I mean, I assume they’re doctoring the fuck out of these transcripts, and they still wind up with their heads in bedpans. How? HOW?!?!?
Anyway, back to the hearings.
The Velveeta Vulgarian engaged in a little light witness-intimidation-by-tweet right in the middle of Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch’s testimony, I guess because he was unable to convince Matt Gaetz to burst through door, clutching a tire iron, shouting SNITCHES GET STITCHES. Adam Schiff responded by reminding everyone that House Dems have a full pad’s worth of Articles of Impeachment, and they can always go back to Office Depot for more, if needed.
Gym Jordan keeps shitting his pants, and then rubbing the shit all over his face and chest, leading one to marvel at the fact that the House GOP took special measures to transfer him, in all his boneheaded, jacketless, glory, onto the House Intelligence Committee just so that America could watch him smear shit on himself.
House Republicans generally used their time during the hearings to raise awareness of the crucial issue of What Brainless Jackasses House Republicans Are. Unable to defend their Turd Emperor’s astonishingly-well-documented crimes, the fallback tactic seems to be Procedural Tantrum Theatre; Jordan and Nunes found their long-sought third stooge in Rep. Elise Stefanik, who was apparently the victim of the greatest abuse of power in American history when she was forced to follow committee rules and wait her turn to speak.
This has, obviously, been a very difficult week for the Kompromat Kid. Lucky for him, he’s got a true friend in Nancy Pelosi, lending him a helping hand with lifelong struggles such as “what words in English mean.”
And yes, the long arm of the law finally, FINALLY caught up with Ratfucking Buttpimple Roger Stone, who was convicted by a jury of his peers* on all seven counts he faced. And now, yeah, we sit back and wait while that experimental-hair-tonic-addled brain tries to game out whether he could survive the impeachment trial if he pardons his favorite co-conspirator; for tonight at least, we get to point and laugh at one of the very worst men in America, brought down at long last...I will fucking well drink to that.
The Candycorn Skidmark is certainly taking the power of the pardon out for a test drive tonight, letting a handful of motherfucking war criminals off the hook for their atrocities. Billionaires, white supremacists, and war criminals...helluva constituency you’ve got there, Shart-O.
Anyway, after the day’s public hearing, House Intel went back behind closed doors to interview a fellah named David Holmes, who confirmed earlier testimony about overhearing a phone call between Sondland and the Sunny D-Bag himself, about how the whole damn nation of Ukraine can go fuck itself if they don’t help him smear Joe Biden, obliterating the feeble “Rudy and Gordo were freelancing” defense, and pushing the President further than ever into the Zone of You Are Really Quite Fucked Now, Shitbag. Holmes will take his testimony public next week, tee fucking hee.
And there’s more to be happy about tonight, Resisters! Big voting rights win down in Florida! Planned Parenthood kicking ass and taking names (and $$$$$$) in court! And of course, I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE!
Ok, that last bit is a lie; the rule of threes is a rule, dammit. But I do have something super-exciting coming very soon, and I hope you’ll stay tuned, I think you’ll dig it, Shower Captives. Till then, stay safe out there
*Obviously, Stone has no peers, only superiors.
PS Holy fuckballs a guy can't even get a poo joke blog up without major fucking news breaking!
Stephen Miller is Even Racister than we Thought, & Other News About Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Since we apparently live in a world where Russian Napoleonic reenactors stumble around drunkenly with backpacks full of human arms, nothing should really surprise us anymore, but I confess I still don't know quite how to navigate this shitstorm. Grab a raincoat, take my hand, and let's wade through it together, okay?
(These blogs really do make more sense with the links, get ‘em here: http://showercapblog.com/stephen-miller-is-even-racister-than-we-thought-other-news-about-buttholes/)
Well, Little Donnie Two-Scoops, following multiple humiliating public appearances, certainly wasn’t going to give up until he found a sufficiently friendly safe space, on account of that whole “crippling narcissism” thing, so he went to the reddest sporting event his staff could think of; a college football game in Tuscaloosa. God punished Alabama by breaking their 31-game home winning streak, and also by subjecting the state to a Roy Moore vs. Jeff Sessions Senate primary race, which is like a lung tumor and a liver tumor bickering over who gets to spread to the colon.
‘Course, the minute he set foot back in New York City, he got the hometown welcome he so richly deserved, and at the risk of offending the pearl-clutching civility police, I hope the doddering old fuck can never again draw a breath of fresh air without a crowd chanting “lock him up” at him till he curls up in the fetal position to suck his tiny, inadequate thumb. Still, Shart Garfunkel is not without supporters in the Big Apple, for example, the one wholesome gentleman who helpfully offered to murder a crowd of protesters.
Condolences go out to Bill Kristol, who has, for years now, been constructing himself a small personal religion based entirely around the notion that Nikki Haley will save the Republican Party from Trump and Trumpism, cuz Nikki has gone Full Dotard, down to laughably obsequious gaslighting about the Kompromat Kid being “tough on Russia.” Plus, she’s picking fights with John Kelly and Rex Tillerson over who loves daddy more, and if things escalate any further, expect Haley to scream “OUT, VILE JELLY!” while digging her thumbs into Low-T Rex’s eye sockets.
So we all saw the story where Shartboy, Jr. got heckled on his little Pay Attention to Me Daddy book tour, and we grinned. Then we found out it was actually right-wingers doing the heckling, and we chuckled a bit. The it turned out the hecklers were creepy alt-right freaks with ties to neo-Nazis and Charlottesville Unite the Right groups who were MAD AT DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR FOR NOT BEING BIGOTED ENOUGH. We need some serious, industrial-grade, disinfectant for the right side of the ol’ Overton window, methinks.
Well, we won’t have New York Congressjag Pete King to kick around anymore, because he’s retiring. Pete’s racist as fuck, but because he doesn’t vacation with Austrian Nazis like the House's other, Stevier, King, he gets labeled a “moderate,” which just how things work, here in Hell.
Republicans have developed a deeply psychotic obsession with the Ukraine whistleblower, and deep down, I’m sure they’re perfectly aware that there’s nothing to their bad faith arguments that there’s something, anything, improper about the WB complaint, or the way it was filed and reported, now that it’s been corroborated by so many witnesses under oath; no, they’re just hoping to get the poor guy killed, or at least force him to spend the rest of his life in terror, because The Goalposts looked fine where they were, and they’re also much heavier than they look, so fuck you for making us replant them every damn day, looking like anti-American tools in the process.
Fux Nooz “personality” Mollie Hemingway made sure to blurt the alleged whistleblower’s name from a large enough platform to reach all the way to the back of the room, where the potential Pizzagate shooters sit, joining the chorus of stochastic terrorists including (checks notes) former television Superman actor Dean Cain? Fuck this shit. Stop the ride. I want off. Right fucking now, dammit.
Of course, Lapdog Loyalist Lindsey Graham keeps on trying to play Constitutional Calvinball anyway, proclaiming the impeachment inquiry to be “invalid” unless the whistleblower is outed, which, to be clear, is not grounded in any rule or statute, but rather has its origins somewhere up Lindsey’s ass, from which he pulled his pathetic little ploy. Can’t wait to hear from Graham during the Senate trial: “Because Adam Schiff didn’t coat his scrotum with apple butter, spin around counter-clockwise six times, and then chant Klatuu Barada Nikto before swearing Fiona Hill in for her deposition, the testimony is inadmissible,” he’ll bellow, while Jesse Watters nods vigorously on the other side of a split screen.
There’s also a lot of disingenuous moaning about the sixth amendment, which doesn’t apply here, either. Why, it’s almost as if Republicans are desperate to talk about literally anything except the facts of the case.
When Tangerine Idi Amin dies, Zeus will fling him into the heavens, where he will hang forever as a constellation, the very God of Losing in Court. I bring this up because yes, he lost in court yet again (where does he find the time?), with a federal judge dismissing his Please Let Me Keep My Tax Returns Secret Putin Makes Me Perform Exotic Dances Before He Releases My Allowance lawsuit.
And Strawberry Shartcake even took his masochistic legal fetish international this week, finally surrendering and agreeing to pay his £225,000 legal bill to the government of Scotland. Y’know, maybe he’s appointing all these judges so they can take turns spanking him with their gavels, calling him a naughty boy and sentencing him to military school where his unloving father will never ever write or call him no not even on his birthday.
Rudy Giuliani, facing legal woes that seem to multiply hourly, has figured out a solution to all his troubles: he’s gonna FUCK HIS OWN COUSIN. Wait, no, he’s gonna START AN IMPEACHMENT PODCAST. I mean, were I Rudy, I’d be running so far in the opposite direction, I’d be browsing the dark web for back alley surgeons willing to sew my damn fool mouth shut, but if the rotten-toothed old bastard wants to keep on recording his confessions for public consumption, I have no plans to stand in his way.
Rudy’s co-conspirator, or “old friend” if you’re feeling generous, Lev Parnas, now admits he personally presented the Shart Administration’s quid pro quo terms, with a tasteful garnish, to the Ukraine government, on Rudy-Roo’s orders, and I don’t know if “America’s Mayor” is a formal title that can be stripped, but I don’t think a podcast is gonna get this one done, my dude.
Circus Peanut Sidney Greenstreet’s recent losing streak, which has run from the federal court system through Kentucky and Virginia, finally landed on his home turf: reality television. Man, you know you’re a once-in-a-lifetime fuckup when you mobilize the full power of the presidential bully pulpit to keep your old chum on Dancing With the Stars...and still fail. And because everything he does is seasoned with his trademark blend of pettiness and insecurity, Littlefinger actually deleted a tweet encouraging his followers to vote Spicey once his former propaganda minister lost, proving you’re never more than one awkward shimmy away from Coffee Boy status.
Roger Stone’s trial seems to be wrapping up, with Rick Gates, who has certainly fallen off a few prominent Xmas card lists over the last year or so, testifying about Rog’s role as a giddy intermediary in the Russia/Wikileaks/Treasonweasel Campaign hacked e-mail pipeline and fish fry. I’ve grown quite fond of Gates, if only as a storytelling device; he shows up every few episodes to help usher one of the showier villains into prison, like some Recurring Guest Star of Justice. Gates’ testimony also means Dorito Mussolini perjured himself in his sworn statements to the Mueller investigation, and I’m looking forward to all kinds of ethical consistency from congressional Republicans on that front.
Ahead of the public impeachment hearings, coming soon to a theatre near you, there’s plenty of infighting on Team Crotchfungus, with various camps of malicious fuckwits at each other’s throats over all the incompetence and public confessing and what have you. Not that I don’t absolutely fucking love watching the circular turd-flinging squad pelt one another until the entire West Wing staff looks like an accident in a fertilizer plant, but you have to wonder why they’re going to all the trouble. We’re all adults here*, can’t we just march Mitch McConnell out to cut through the crap, once and for all? “Look, we’re putting party over country, and our party happens to be a white supremacist hate cult now. It wasn’t my idea to give the million-and-a-half people in the Dakotas twice as many senators as the 40 million folks in California, but that’s life, cucks, the Founding Fathers shoulda seen me coming.”
Because that’s the state of this whole “impeachment” thing, y’know. The majority of the jury is composed of either active enablers, or cowards trembling in fear at the thought of being dragged from office via a primary challenge from the lunatic fringe. I mean, you can crow all day and all night that they’re on the wrong side of history, but John Barrasso’s all, “Bitch, I’m a Senator from Wyoming, nobody knows who I am NOW.”
Hey look, the Supreme Court took a break from gutting voting rights to side with the American people for a change, refusing to shield the human slaughter industrial complex, excuse me, the “gun industry” from a lawsuit filed by Sandy Hook parents. From the ever-expanding pro-gun control electorate, to massive internal strife, to this, it seems like everything’s coming up turdwaffles for the death merchants of the National Rifle Association, and I am 31 flavors of here for it, friends.
So, the Southern Poverty Law Center got ahold of some of Stephen Miller’s private e-mails, and it turns out he’s even more racist than we thought, which is amazing, because we already perceive him as basically What If a Burning Cross Was a Dickless Bald Guy. Yeah, it’s all there in his spray-on-hair-scented correspondence with Breitbart; eugenics, hyper-racist literature, “white replacement,” everything you’d expect to hear from any tiki-torch wielding loser from the Charlottesville It’s Minorities’ Fault Girls Don’t Like Me march, only he’s one of the most powerful advisors to the most powerful man on Earth, heaven help us all.
At this point, I might be surprised if some enterprising journalist were to unearth evidence of some infinitesimal corner of Stephen’s misspent life that ISN’T devoted to his festering hatred, like “when he’s not fantasizing about that work camp his boss promised him as a wedding present, Miller has a pet rock he enjoys polishing.”
On today’s episode of Swamp-Drainin’ Best People, meet Mina Chang, the failed pop star who conned her way into a taxpayer-funded, six-figure, salary as a deputy assistant secretary in Mike Pompeo’s State Department! In addition to a resume inflated to the point of claiming a spot in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Mina apparently internalized the lessons of the Shart of the Deal himself, forging her very own fake Time Magazine cover!
Hey, if anybody with some halfway decent photoshop skills wants to give me a hand, I think I can infiltrate this cabal. I used to be an actor, y’know. I’ll just offer Ben Carson my revolutionary new grain-storage theories, get myself named Assistant Undersecretary of Some Shit or Other, spy on a couple of meetings where these clowns bill taxpayers for an open bar at one of Conman Don’s tacky-ass hotels while spitballing plans to KILL THE BATMAN, turn whistleblower, and blow this shit up from the inside.
Through all this madness, you’ve got John Bolton pinballing around in the background, twirling the ends of his Murderstache like pigtails, playfully intoning, “I know something you don’t know,” making allegations and book deals. Yeah, what this story really needed was a genocidal coquette.
Mark Sanford dropped out of the 2020 Republican presidential primary, and I mention this primarily to remind you that there was a brief moment in time when Mark Sanford was kinda sorta almost running for President, but not really, not that anyone anywhere cared very much. In related news, Bill Weld continues to be a person. Maybe. I can’t actually vouch for that. I’ve never like, seen him or anything.
And now we learn Hairplug Himmler has been toying with the idea of firing ICIG (That’s “intelligence community inspector general,” for the acronym-thirsty) Michael Atkinson, who refuses to let his crooked commander-in-chief use military aid to extort allies in peace, and insists on passing every dang credible whistleblower complaint on to Congress JUST BECAUSE the law says he has to. Whoever put the career criminal at the top of the American legal system’s organizational flow chart? That was a bad idea, bro.
Anyway, you may not be hearing from me for a bit, I expect the news to slow down quit a lot during the public impeachment hearings that begin tomorrow morning. I dunno, if anything interesting happens, I may pop in for a quick update. Prolly gonna be super boring tho.
*Well, not you, Eric.
Donald Trump, Prince of Losers, Loses Like a Loser, Because he is a Loser Who Loses. (Ferret/SC)
Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend, right? Except President Crotchrot and his cronies, they’re working to stay out of jail. And also to steal as much of our tax money as possible, of course. And to destroy American democracy. The rest of us will have to make do with “the weekend.” But first, the gnus....
(As always, if you wanna read this with all those nifty news links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/donald-trump-prince-of-losers-loses-like-a-loser-because-he-is-a-loser-who-loses/)
Like a mythical beast that hibernates the whole year ‘round, emerging only on the first Tuesday after November 1st, to hunt traitors, enablers, and thugs, the Blue Wave crested once more this week, washing away Republicans all over this beautiful land, and I will mix metaphors if I fucking well feel like it, thank you very much.
Obviously, the most satisfying win of the night was over Kentucky’s odious Governor, Matt Bevin, which means fantastic things for everything from health care to voting rights in the Bluegrass State, and if it happened to come with a free side order of Humiliating the Shit Out of Orange Julius Caesar, well, I’m not sending it back to kitchen or anything.
Of course, without missing a beat, Bevin immediately began belching up baseless accusations of voter fraud, because being Republican means never having to say “this entirely expected rejection of our shitty governance by the people is legitimate.” After making some noises about overturning the will of the electorate in the legislature, state Republicans now seem inclined to let democracy rule, and how fun is it to live in a country where that isn’t necessarily a given anymore?
Other big wins came in Virginia, where Team No Concentration Camps Seriously How is this Controversial seized control of both houses of the legislature, and even in cinnamon-gummy-bear-red Indiana, where Democrats won control of the city council in Columbus, hometown to Wannabe Theocrat Michael Pants himself. I’m told their first act will be to hire a locksmith to break into Mikey’s old porn stash, and you know there’s gonna be some genuinely freaky shit in there...hill people trying to fuck groundhogs and the like.
Laura Ingraham responded to the GOP’s losses in the precise manner a Nazi would; this is because Laura Ingraham in a Nazi. Arizona Republithug Kelli Ward openly fantasized about some sort of state-level electoral college, because perpetually seeking clever new ways to disenfranchise the public is sure a helluva lot easier than concerning yourself with any of that stupid cuck “consent of the governed” shit, right?
If all the encroaching fascism and whatnot has got you feeling down, hey, look, Roger Stone is on trial and you’re not*! Things don’t seem to be going great for ol’ Rog so far, and he’s probably extra nervous about the increasingly-murky pardon/impeachment timeline. I suppose Steve Bannon grudgingly testifying against Stone is probably as close as I’m gonna get to the Traitor Gladiator Pit I periodically fantasize about...at lease until the revolution comes.
Oh, and Alex Jones, looking for one last shitbag joyride before the Sandy Hook families take control of every asset and possession down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair, is trying to dox Stone’s jurors, because even though it’s costing him everything, he just can’t stop himself from being a walking sack of monkey shit.
Similarly, Rand Paul keeps threatening to out the Ukraine whistleblower, because, like many Republican officials, he’s acquired the taste for consequence-free lawbreaking and embraced the transformation into the petty autocrat he’s always dreamed of becoming. If this shit all goes south, and you’re reading this blog next to my early grave in some dystopian, post-American-democracy, future, I assume Rand is wearing a comically garish uniform in the portraits that hang in your schools and post offices; just so you know, in real life, he was just a whiny brat.
You’re never gonna believe this, but Rudy Giuliani had something of a difficult time procuring legal representation for himself in the wake of his little transatlantic crime adventure. Heh. With all the extra free time he’ll have in jail, maybe Rudy can write a children’s book about the hardships that arise when seeking a lawyer in the face of ever-growing mountains of evidence, on the front page of every newspaper in the world, that you’re a traitorous crook, and a fairly inept one at that. We should probably hold off on the coloring book about incestuous marriages for now, Rudy-Roo, let’s see how the first one does.
Word on the street is, morale at Foggy Bottom is down, on account of Mike Pompeo’s disloyalty to his staff (and also, y’know, his country) during the Ukraine scandal and I just love saying “Foggy Bottom,” like I’m some legit D.C. insider rather than a drunken dork who reads a lot of news; it’s the same rush of pomposity I get whenever I find a chance to say “Attorneys General,” but the POINT is, Pompeo is a stooge and a turd and I hope he gets hemorrhoids.
If you’re looking for God’s Own Perfect Encapsulation of Modern Conservatism, you probably couldn’t do any better than the sneering Fux Nooz story alleging the Obama administration burdened the CIA with endless meetings on “political correctness,” because apparently nobody anywhere in this massive global media conglomerate understands that “PC” stands for “Principals Committee.” I mean, that’s TRANSCENDENT. Frame that shit.
America visited that one bathroom off the basement room we never use, and even though we were totally sure we flushed last time we were down here, well, there was Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, floating right where we left him a year ago, trying to climb out of the bowl and back into the United States Senate. If he was anyone but Jeff Sessions, you’d feel pity, watching the pathetic, groveling, video he used to launch his campaign, squeaking that he didn’t trash the boss who humiliated him for months before discarding him completely. Anyway, I could be wrong, but I believe the Alabama state Constitution stipulates that all elected officials must be vertebrates, so Jeff might not even be able to get on the ballot.
Incidentally, in the coming Sessions/Roy Moore debates, what can you cheer for except an out-of-control semi carrying the unlikely load of a dozen or so recently-unearthed antique septic tanks from the Cumberland Plateau spontaneously crashing through the studio walls, dousing both candidates in fermented sewage?
Having apparently failed to notice that the county that held Shart Garfunkel’s last-minute Kentucky rally wound up voting Dem 2 to 1, Louisiana Senator John Definitely-Not-F Kennedy appeared beside his Turd Emperor to talk about how “dumb” Nancy Pelosi, who keeps the President’s testes in a shot glass on her desk, is. I dunno, Johnboy, personally, if MY party was looking down the business end of a nationwide electoral realignment, driven by women delivering America’s suburbs, gift-wrapped, to your political opponents, I might be looking for stupidity a little closer to home. Like, say, in the mirror.
So, Government Cheese Goebbels was ordered to pay a $2 million settlement for stealing from charity, just the latest jaw-droppingly deplorable act that will do absolutely nothing to shake his support among the white supremacist hate cult that is the American evangelical movement. One thing I’m fairly confident Jesus wouldn’t do is steal money from charity to buy paintings of himself, even if they were really awesome paintings of him n’ Ben Carson arm wrestling or some shit, but please, keep moralizing at the rest of us, you hypocritical jagoffs, it’s good for a laugh.
Many have criticized the Marmalade Shartcannon for skipping little details that his predecessors devoted significant time and energy to, like “security briefings,” and “understanding how International trade works,” but we’ve finally learned it’s all been in service to a higher calling, because he’s been chatting with his old Apprentice partner on a return to reality television. You’re starting to understand how we wind up with ill-informed snap decisions that lead to the release of dozens of ISIS prisoners, aren’t you?
My new novel, in the style of Ludlum, titled The Sondland Revision, is now available wherever books are sold. It tells the thrilling tale of a wealthy idiot who thought it might fun to be an ambassador, only to wind up involved in the world’s dumbest international criminal conspiracy, then figured he’d get out of it by lying under oath to Congress, only to get his memory righteously jogged by the prospect of a few years in Rich White Guy Prison, and finally decided to turn stool pigeon after all. Anyway, Gordo double-checked his pants pockets and found some quid pro quo after all, and thus he joins the long list of Team Treasonweasel coffee boys.
If you have, like, a kink about transcripts, this must’ve been the best fucking week of your entire life. Adam Schiff is hanging out on the corner at the end of your block, passing out transcripts to everybody who walks by, going “First taste is free, y’all, actually they’re ALL free because they paint an ironclad case against against a certain tiny-fisted tyrant, and I want everyone in America to see this shit.”
...which is why Lying Lapdog Loyalist Lindsey Graham’s final, pathetic, strategy is to simply refuse to read the transcripts, like a child who won’t open his mouth for a spoonful of peas, no matter how tantalizingly accurate your airplane noises may be. It’s hilarious until you remember still gets to be a juror in the impeachment trial.
Lindsey is like an old Looney Tunes character, floating on a chunk of ice that’s rapidly melting as it moves south, panicked, because he desperately needs to find someplace new to plant those damnable goalposts. Even the old “2 dumb 2 collude” argument keep falling apart in the face of well-corroborated evidence; yes, these are stupid, stupid, men, but they are quite objectively committing crimes on purpose. And no, it’s doesn’t magically become okay just because they got caught before they pulled it off.
I guess the other desperate spin on the table is that Giuliani, Sondland, Mulvaney, and co. weren’t acting on Hairplug Himmler’s orders in the Ukraine affair, but “went into business for themselves,” like it was some sort of Shart House office pool, to extort an important ally in order to get the boss the only thing he really wants for Xmas: made-up shit about Joe Biden.
We’re told the Individual Wonder asked his pet Attorney General, Billy Barr, to hold a press conference to proclaim the Dotard spiritually spotless and innocent of all crimes, plus with normal-sized man hands and Salma Hayek wants to date him, but she’s not hot enough. Barr seems to have refused, and the whole country was shocked to learn that the nation’s top law-enforcement official actually declined to engage in reprehensibly unethical behavior for once, because that’s how far our standards have fallen. Like, “wow, Stephen Miller got through a whole week without stabbing a single immigrant, I think he’s mellowing.”
Actually, I think it would be fascinating to learn precisely how far Donnie Two-Scoops’ circle of craven, power-mad, lackeys allowed themselves to be pushed to before finally drawing a line in the sand. Like, Rick Perry was clearly ok with extorting Ukraine, but one time the boss asked him to take Eric along on a trip to the Texas oil fields to bump him off, but make it look like an accident, like the kid stuck his thumb someplace it didn’t belong, he’s always doing stupid shit like that, but Ricky just polished his Smart Guy Glasses and acted like he didn’t hear.
The Syphilitic Socipath has to be extra pissy now, learning from the report in the Failing New York Times that Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was juuuuuuust about cave in to his extortion plot, and publicly announce that Joe Biden ordered his son to kill Seth Rich and also several kittens, but then the whole thing blew up in the American media, and Zelensky got the aid he was legally entitled to without needing to tell any lies about Diamond Joe at all, not even that he used to sneak Barack cigarettes behind Michelle’s back. Which explains why Weehands McNodick is storming around, bellowing “I woulda gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling whistleblowers!” only you won’t be able to pull off his mask, that truly is, improbably, his real face.
And hey, the whistleblower’s lawyers had to send a “please stop trying to break the law and out our client so he/she gets killed by one of your psychopathic followers” letter to the President of the United States, just another ho-hum fifth-page story, here in Hell.
I guess Michael Bloomberg is jumping into the Democratic presidential primary, and this seems like a good time to announce my new product line, padded wallpaper for your home or office so when you pound your head into the wall, screaming WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE CLUELESS FUCKING BILLIONAIRES, you don’t hurt yourself.
Speaking of deluded billionaires pissing away money that could be used to win back the Senate on doomed vanity campaigns, Tom Steyer’s bid is going great, assuming his goal is to walk away with more serious ethical breaches than convention delegates. Tommy my lad, you may’ve been caught stealing data from Kamala Harris AND trying to bribe your way to Iowa endorsements in one short week, but hey, you’ll always have that one debate where you failed to say anything interesting or memorable. Anyway, I will have you know, sir, my vote is decidedly NOT for sale, but should you choose to try anyway, you may deliver 6-7 cases of India pale ale to my apartment, and none of the cheap stuff either, you bum.
Apparently, unfulfilled even after years of whining daily on Twitter and whining regularly on Fux Nooz, Shitweasel, Jr., decided to whine on paper for a change, and he’s published himself a little book, targeting the lucrative “people who enjoy consuming the self-pitying mewlings of a potato-brained rich boy” market. One passage in particular seems to be garnering a fair amount of attention: Visiting Arlington National Ceremony, Son of Shart thought to himself “I am exactly like these soldiers who gave their lives, except that instead of making the ultimate sacrifice for liberty, I lie and steal all day long and also I bet many of these soldiers could pull off a beard whereas I walk around looking like a terrier’s butthole all day.” Junior was particularly moved by the Tomb of the Unknown Douchebag.
Yet another accuser has come forward to say that he told Donnie Dotard’s favorite Congressthug, Jim Jordan, directly, face-to-face, about Dr. Richard Strauss’ inappropriate sexual behavior, and Jordan went “Hey, that’s life, what do you want me to do, take action against a serial sex criminal before he abuses dozens of the students in my charge?” and upon learning of this appalling news, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy demanded Jordan’s immediate resignation from Congress JUST KIDDING he promoted him to the House Intelligence Committee so he can get plenty of teevee time during the impeachment hearings.
See, you really NEED a few abominations on your resume, if you want to get anywhere in Republican politics these days. Mark Meadows reads these headlines and thinks, FUCK, I can’t let Gym outpace me with the deplorables, I better load up my iPhone with kiddie porn and “anonymously” mail it to some reporter, or the base might think I’m a basically decent human being, cuz that’s a career-killer, right there.
Now I see former NSA John Bolton, that slut, is strutting around, flashin’ a little ankle, suggesting he has hawt sexxxy testimony about Ukraine crimez to give to the impeachment inquiry if only the courts say it’s allowed. Look, Murderstache, testify, or don’t, but stop teasing us.
In conclusion...”Foggy Bottom.” Go git that weekend, Resisters. You’ve earned it.
*You might be on trial, I don’t fucking know. I try to be fair to everybody in this blog, but if you happen to be on trial right now, that sentence is not for you. I’ll make it up to you someday.**
**I absolutely will not make it up to you someday. Good luck with your trial tho.
I Couldn't Come Up With a Title Tonight; Still, Here're More Poo Jokes About Awful People(Ferret/SC)
I don’t get it; Halloween is supposed to be over, but the news is all monsters, clowns, and abject horror. Can I still get candy from strangers? Or beer, maybe? I need something to take the edge off this shit...
(And yes, you can get this merry post, only with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/for-the-life-of-me-i-couldnt-come-up-with-a-title-tonight-still-herere-more-poo-jokes-about-awful-people/)
Hey, if you ever happen to swallow some sort of toxic substance, you can always use this story, of the Shart House indoctrinating little kids with raw bigotry at a fucking Halloween party, to purge your system, because you’ll projectile vomit so hard you’ll paint the walls with your fucking intestines. Lord.
Speaking of the Big Dumb Wall, didja see where smugglers are already sawing through the newer sections of Donnie Dotard’s Monument to Waste, Futility, and Hate with commercially-available power tools? Nice to know we’re stealing billions from the military budget and assaulting Congress' constitutionally-mandated appropriation authority for an American Maginot Line that you can thwart with a birthday gift card from th’Home Depot.
Washington Nationals closer Sean Doolittle didn’t join his team at their post-championship Shart House celebration, offering a thoughtful, eloquent, defense of his values, and how partying with such a anti-moral colon polyp of a man simply isn’t compatible with them, no matter how many stale cheeseburgers he leaves on the table. Real Michelle Obama, We Go High stuff. I’m more of a poo-joke-n’-swearing guy myself, but I appreciate the classiness.
WaPo reports that Dorito Mussolini hates Ukraine like Captain Hook hates Peter Pan, largely based on batshit conspiracy theories dropped in his ear by the various nefarious Paul Manaforts and Rudy Giulianis (Rudies Giuliani?) around him. One of the things we tend to lose track of regarding our dolt president is, he himself is ultimately just another fully-brainwashed Fux Nooz rube, no different than your long-lost Uncle Dumbfuck, glued to the darkest, looniest, Facebook rabbit holes from dawn til dusk, ordering doomsday prep food buckets from Glenn Beck’s sponsors. He literally trusts the bloviating windbags on the Magical TeeVee Box more than the most expensive, sophisticated, intelligence-gathering apparatus in human history. When the IC contradicts Hannity, Hannity wins every time; after all, if John Brennan is so smart, how come he’s not on in prime time?
These same utterly bonkers conspiracy theories have the Attorney General of the whole dang United States jetting around the world, asking anyone who’ll listen to please help him undermine and attack his own intelligence/law-enforcement agencies, which is, I think you’ll agree, decidedly non-awesome. Luckily, our allies seem to care more about the American IC’s integrity than our own turd-gargling, treasonous, executive branch. A true friend does this sort of thing for you; tells you to your face not to marry the MOTHERFUCKING FASCIST, right?
California has been devastated by massive wildfires in recent days, so naturally President Crotchrot is shitting on Gavin Newsom and threatening to cut off federal funding. He also yelled at California for inadequate forest management, which would be relevant, if we were dealing with forest fires, but we aren’t, so he’s basically just screeching ALL FIRES MATTER. Maybe a good argument against the Electoral College would be like, say, if a hypothetical President, filled with loathing and resentment towards states that didn’t vote for him, tried his damndest to abandon the citizens of those states to die whenever a natural disaster occurrs (and heaven help you if you’re in a U.S. territory without any electoral votes at all coughcoughPuertoRico).
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet wouldn’t rule out shutting down the government if mean ol’ Nancy Pelosi doesn’t stop impeaching his ass JUST BECAUSE he broke a fuckton of laws. If he’s hellbent on repeating one the very biggest mistakes of his never-ending cavalcade of fuck-ups, failures, and fraud, that’s his business, I suppose. It’s like Ben Affleck threatening to make sequel to Gigli.
Seeking to rinse off the residual humiliation of his public booing at the World Series last week, Sharty McFly sought adulation at the relatively friendlier confines of Madison Square Garden, in his longtime home city, which adores and admires him. KIDDING he got booed like What if the Boston Red Sox and Osama bin Laden Had a Baby. (Side note: I do not generally like using other folks’ jokes in my blog, but this one is too good to miss)
Desperately seeking new bullshit defenses for their Turd Emperor’s thoroughly-documented crimes, some Republicans have settled on “well shucks, is quid pro quo really anything to be ashamed of when the ‘quo’ is something as indisputably noble as battling corruption?” and then making big ol’ puppy-dog eyes until everyone goes “d’awww maybe it’s treason but it’s JUST SO CUTE.” Yeah, campers, the career grifter building a ten-story-tall monument to himself out of Emoluments Clause violations is a real anti-corruption warrior. Pay no attention to the massive proposed cuts to anti-corruption funding in Ukraine behind the curtain, by the way. Or the dozens of tunnels he’s dug from the U.S. treasury to his own bank account. Just be sure he runs through a metal detector on his way out the door so he doesn’t sneak off with the Monroe silver*.
Jared Kushner, the political genius who brought peace to the Middle East and proposed the universally-lauded firing of Jim Comey, thinks Kim Jong-un looks up to Fat Q*Bert as a “father figure.” Anyway, the old George Michael lyric “I will be your father figure/Put your tiny hand in mine” keeps popping into my head now, if you’re wondering why I’m cackling like a community theatre actor auditioning for the Joker.
E. Jean Carroll is suing the Velveeta Vulgarian for defamation, following his predictably vile attacks on her character when she accused him of sexual assault. I confess I initially thought this was old news, confusing it with Summer Zervos’ similar suit. The president has sexually assaulted so many women, you see, it can be difficult to keep straight.
Tell you what, let’s take a quick peek beyond the national headlines, down among the common folk here in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, where the hate trickles down even if the wealth doesn’t.
In Colorado, a white supremacist was arrested before he was able to carry out a planned synagogue bombing, and I suppose it’s comforting that Bronco Billy Barr still allows the FBI to investigate these shitbags; every jailed white boy terrorist is one less Trump voter, after all. Meanwhile a different group of white supremacists tried filming some shitty little home movie (doubtlessly a lament on the deceitfulness of the internet’s many alleged penis enlargement products) in front of the new, bulletproof, Emmett Till memorial, which, yes, is bulletproof now for exactly the reason you’d think.
We could also talk about the Indiana CVS employee who refused to sell cold medicine to a Purdue University student on account of his Puerto Rican driver’s license, although, to be fair, if the President and his staff don’t understand that Puerto Rico is part of the United States, it hardly seems fair to hold every rank-and-file Johnny Klansman to a higher standard.
Then there’s the Buffalo Wild Wings in the Chicago burbs that apparently feels comfortable asking their black patrons to switch tables, lest their mere presence disturb the tranquility of the restaurant’s ragin’ racist regulars.
And don’t forget the human horror who picked a fight with a Hispanic man, shouted a bunch of hateful shit at him, and then THREW BATTERY ACID IN HIS FACE. You know, I don’t think we’ve quite arrived at that post-racial society just yet, no matter what your Republican friends on social media say.
The Shart House has had quite enough of this whole Extremely Damning Testimony Before the Impeachment Inquiry thing, thank you very much, and they’re defying subpoenas again. Adam Schiff shrugged that shit off, like “Ah dang, you got me brah, guess I’ll just have more evidence for the phat obstruction of justice article of impeachment I’ve got on my desk, right next to the candy jar you could never hope to open with your pathetic baby fingers.”
Of course, now that we’re getting a look at the transcripts from previous witnesses, I can’t say as I blame the Dotard, this stuff is equal parts incriminating and embarrassing (embarrminating?). State Department employees calling Sean Hannity to figure out just what the fuck was going on in their own government? Jesus. We’re not even a banana republic, we’re a banana-flavored Laffy Taffy republic.
Donnie Two-Scoops may not be cooperating with the impeachment inquiry, but guess who is? Lev Parnas, Rudy Giuliani’s literal-and-possibly-also-figurative-like-maybe-they-go-to-brunch-together partner in crime! Lev can tell us all kinds of fun stuff about how him n’ Rudy toured Ukraine in search of Biden dirt, and I don’t mean at gardening supply stores.
The Michael Jordan, the Wayne Gretzky, the very GOAT of Losing in Court, Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “Jesus, I lose in court all the fucking time) lost in court yet again, as a three-judge panel rejected his pathetic “I have total immunity from subpoenas because of this very special Magic: the Gathering card” argument, and ordered him to fork over the damn tax returns, already. In the end, I suppose it’ll be up to Supreme Court to decide this shit once and for all, assuming Kavanaugh ever sobers up enough to take the case.
Also, the Hairplug That Ate Decency took another big, ugly, step towards pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement, because really, why should he limit his destructive treachery to just those Americans alive during his term?
Plus I see the five paragons of white mediocrity who make up the Citrus Country, Florida Board of Commissioners decided to block their library system’s request for funding to cover digital subscriptions to the New York Times, merrily bellowing “fake news” and other attacks on the press, because we’re doing this fun thing in this country lately where we normalize fascism.
Ok, that’s what I’ve got for ya tonight, Resisters. Internet’s still down at my place, so forgive me if I missed anything, being out in public this long drives me insane. I’m gonna drive back to my cave now, and snarl at anyone who gets too close to the windows.
*Does silver set off a metal detector? Fuck, I don’t care, you want science, follow Neil deGrasse Tyson.
This Week in Hell: Head-Butts, Menstrual Spreadsheets, & Fireside Chats (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I honestly can’t tell the difference anymore between reading the news and having a dozen evil clowns shriek directly into my ear while punching me in the temples. If it’s the clown thing, I apologize, but on the off chance that all this shit is really happening in real life, let’s get to chroniclin’.
(And yeah, you can find this post, like all the others, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-head-butts-menstrual-spreadsheets-fireside-chats/)
Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified before Adam Schiff’s Impeachment Inquiry and Jug Band, delivering the most damaging testimony for Hairplug Himmler yet, which is particularly impressive, considering the doddering old bastard personally released a partial transcript confessing to Dagwood-sandwich-sized crimes.
Early leaks of Vindman’s testimony rattled Team Treasonweasel so badly they quickly deployed the only tactic in their scumbag quiver, dispatching the handful of pond scum surrogates still willing to lash their reputations to a sinking, rotten, disease-ridden, ship to slander the Purple Heart recipient as a deep state, NeverTrump, foreign spy who kicks puppies and actually knows how to tie a necktie like a grownup unlike REAL MURICANS who let that shit dangle down to the gawdamn shinbones.
CNN’s new MAGAjag contributor, Sean Duffy, drew that odious duty, and executed it with repulsive enthusiasm. Isn’t it cool that a malicious buffoon like Duffy can obtain spectacular wealth just by popping up on television now and then to blather nonsensically? It’s really not that different from being Pee Wee Herman, frankly, except rather than delighting an audience of children young enough to reasonably still believe in Santa Claus, Sean’s out there mugging for brainwashed idiots who think Hillary Clinton runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint. Oh, and they vote.
Aside from testifying that there was enough quid pro quo for six seasons and movie, Vindman also mentioned that the so-called “transcript” President Crotchvoid released was edited, and the full version did indeed, as we have long suspected, contain even MORE evidence n’ crimez n’ Burger King ketchup stains. They also cut a 10-minute long segment where Littlefinger demanded to know where Zelensky was hiding the giant Transformer robots, because he’d stayed up late watching cartoons, and he was terrified the limo he rides around in to avoid contact with the peasants would turn into a robot dude while he was still inside.
Oh, and a Shart House lawyer responded to various “hey, maybe the President shouldn’t be running our foreign policy like an extortion racket” complaints by hiding the Zelensky call on a private server and telling Vindman “snitches get stitches, so keep yer mouth shut,” probably out of abundant caution that the American people simply couldn’t handle the blinding purity of such a perfect call.
Another witness, fellah by the name of Tim Morrison, says yes there was quid pro quo, but he personally thinks it wasn’t illegal. Now, that’s not really up to Tim, and he’s 31 flavors of wrong, but it’s good enough for Gym Jordan and his gang of feral enablers.
Much to my surprise, Devin Nunes’ staff isn’t made up solely of pigs he’s fucking; there’s also Kashyap Patel, who gained Sharty McFly’s ear on Ukraine policy not by being, as he represented himself, an experienced Ukraine expert, but because he told the doddering old twit exactly what he wanted to hear. Suddenly, I’m thinking of breaking away from a White House tour, sneaking into the Oval, telling him I’m the Ghost of Xmas Future, and that if he resigns, Ivanka will finally fuck him.
And House Democrats voted on rules for the coming Impeachment Hearings and Treasonous Twatwaffle Dunk Tank Faire, including public hearings, to the chagrin of Republicans, who had been demanding....um...clearly-stated rules and public hearings. It’s not only wanting to have your cake and eat it, too, but also demanding pie, and Skittles, and Beef Wellington, and a pony, and by the way how dare you suggest I ever asked for cake? Look, Republican voters don’t WANT representatives who behave rationally, and we should just accept that.
Needless to say, the Cruise Ship Magician Goalpost Sleight of Hand continues, because Republicans know they’re utterly fucked on the facts of the case. The play seems to be “none of the testimony given so far counts, and we must throw it all out because...look, because we really really want to.” It’s almost adorable, in a wannabe-fascist kinda way, like Care Bears with little Hitler mustaches.
So the NCAA announced some fairly mild rule changes, finally allowing student athletes to profit from their own names, images, and likenesses, and North Carolina Senator Richard Burr’s version of a Spidey Sense, which tingles whenever any minority-heavy group (like, say, college athletes) threatens to break through the barriers of institutional white supremacy to achieve financial independence, went off. Dickie won’t lift a finger to shut down the concentration camps, but he’s right on top of this “under-taxed non-white young people” problem suddenly plaguing the nation.
I almost hesitate to bring this up, it’s so Normal and Ordinary, but the Missouri state health director, a Republican appointee (as if you need to be told that), keeps himself a little spreadsheet, tracking the menstrual periods of patients at the Show-Me State’s last remaining Planned Parenthood clinic. Yup. Typical, boring, everyday stuff. Why, I bet you checked the Menstrual-Cycles-of-Women-I’ve-Never-Met app on your phone six or seven times just since you started reading this blog post.
The annual growth rate reported for the third quarter was only 1.9%, well below the Velveeta Vulgarian’s grandiose promises. While we’re on that little topic, we should mention that he’s also breaking other promises, for example to lower prescription drug prices, and to support popular, common-sense, gun control measures. I’m sure we’ll get a check from Mexico for that wall any day now, though.
Turns out Republican political operatives, potentially all the way up to the NRCC, were involved in the plot to destroy Congresswoman Katie Hill’s career with revenge porn provided by her dirtbag loser ex. Obviously the only missing ingredient in this sordid turd-and-tapeworm stew was little Georgie Papaderpaderp, whose delusions of adequacy are apparently pushing him towards running for Hill’s seat.
...I guess it’s nice to have some comic relief on the schedue, if only to break up the monotony of incompetence and atrocity. Speaking of which, Roger Stone’s trial starts next week. Heh.
Did you see where there are now 400,000 more uninsured children in the U.S. than there were when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot first took office? See, this is what the Republican Party is REALLY all about: if you filthy taker plebe kids wanted health insurance, you should’ve had the good sense to pop out of some rich lady’s vagina, sucks to be you, stop breathing all the job-creators’ air, now that we’re thinking about it get a job you bum, no we won’t pay a living wage, we’ll just under-compensate you while we steal the best years of your life and once your labor isn’t useful to our donor class anymore, piss on ya, please have the decency to die quickly, quietly, and somewhere out of sight.
With stats like these, you understand why Donnie Dotard has resorted to outright lying about the monthly jobs numbers, don’t you?
Michele Bachmann says, of her Turd Emperor, “We have not seen a president with greater moral clarity than this president.” I mean, you see where she’s coming from. Lincoln freed the slaves, but only Trump could charge the Secret Service to pee. I guess those hundreds of thousands of uninsured kids and all the newly-released ISIS prisoners are aspects of all that “moral clarity.” Ok, obviously I’m not really arguing in good faith here, I think we all understand that what Michele means is “Donald Trump is a faux evangelical white supremacist, and as a faux evangelical white supremacist, I like that.”
Speaking of white supremacists (smooth, if tragic, segue, Cap) the VeryFine Administration has apparently been flirting with an elaborate, Rube Goldberg, bit of procedural Twister to install MegaRacist Scrotum Rash Ken Cuccinelli (who you may remember as the guy who yelled at the Statue of Liberty for not being hateful enough) as Acting DHS Secretary. It would be awesome if Senate Republicans opposed the Cooch because he’s a hate-driven racist monster, but if they want to keep him away from immense political power mostly because he's also a great big doo-doo-headed jerk, well, I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em these days.
There’s a fun little article in Politico about how Fat Q*Bert gets to bribe Republican Senators, aka His Impeachment Jury, by tapping his Rube Army for that sweet, sweet, campaign donation cash. What a great system we’ve got here, huh?
So, the personal attorney to the President of the United States, while serving as his cybersecurity advisor, apparently, as recently as 2017, had to go the Apple Store because he locked his befuddled ass out of his own fucking iPhone. Also, he fucked his cousin. Anyway, something something something The Best People.
While we’re laughing at major conservative figures over mistakes that would make them the laughingstock of any fourth grade playground, let’s point and giggle at Ann Coulter, for her snarling, imperious, insistence that the good people of Hawaii have such shitty judgement that they made Tulsi Fucking Gabbard a U.S. Senator*. Have you ever noticed that white supremacists tend to be kinda...subpar?
Hey, welcome to the Resistance, Mike Pompeo! The State Department, after some empty posturing about refusing to cooperate, will indeed be turning over documents relating to Cousin Rudy’s Excellent Ukrainian Ratfucking Adventure and other bits of potential diplomatic shitbaggery. No word at this time if this document dump will include text messages between career officials asking WHAT THE LIVING SHIT IS THIS COUSIN-FUCKING MORON DOING?!?!? or not.
The Republican Party of Minnesota isn’t like those other cowardly state GOPs, cancelling their 2020 primaries just to placate their Turd Emperor’s fragile ego, oh no! They’re having a primary, they’re just not allowing any other names on the ballot. Quake in terror of the mighty Mark Sanford, kids!
Alaska GOP Congressweirdo Don Young wasn’t in the mood to answer questions today, so he just head-butted a journalist’s camera instead. Just thought I’d mention that.
Well, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk is packing up the entire Crook Family Robinshart and movin’ down to sunny Florida! Smarter folks than yer humble drunken blogger speculate the move is designed to dodge even more taxes, because where’s the fun in bilking the U.S. treasury out of millions of dollars if you’ve just got to turn around and give some of it back? And of course this is just one more desperate contortion to keep those naughty tax returns out of sight; the man’s piss hooker budget must be truly obscene.
Republicans may not mind that President Gas Station Urinal Cake is holding the door open for every foreign nation and probably a few alien planets (Hey Venusians! Got any dirt on Hunter Biden?) to interfere in American elections, but boy howdy, they’re pissed off that Congresswoman Katie Porter dressed up as Batgirl for Halloween. Personally I’d like a written list of conservative priorities, in order. Does “superhero costume” fall somewhere between “tan suit” and “open treason,” or is it a more serious offense, like “use private e-mail unless you’re Trump’s children. Or Wilbur Ross. Or Stephen Miller. Or Reince Priebus. Or fuck it, I’ve got to end this paragraph sometime, but you get the picture.”
But slow your roll, Resisters! The Very Stable Genius has outmaneuvered us once again, and the impeachment battle is over before it even begins! Yes, with his brilliant plan to address the American people directly, and read the (doctored) “transcript” of his call with President Zelensky in a sort of “fireside chat,” he’s simply got us outflanked, with his sublime “confess over and over again” strategy.
Hey friends, the ACA’s open enrollment period started today. The Die Serfs Die Administration has slashed, and re-slashed, outreach funding, because they don’t want Americans to have the health insurance they’re legally entitled to (yeah, I think it’s weird, too), so we’ve gotta step up and fill that void. Use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!
Fuck, I’m worn out. To make matters worse, the internet went down in my apartment this afternoon, so I wrote this at a Starbucks, where they don’t sell, or it turns out, even ALLOW beer. Whose stupid motherfucking idea was THAT?
*Ok, so there aren’t a lot of playgrounds where you get bullied for insufficient knowledge of the makeup of the U.S. Senate, BUT MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE.
Profile Information
Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
