TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalSOS! Trapped in Category 5 Shitstorm! Please Send Nukes! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn't call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,” probably would have seemed irrational to me not so very long ago, but times, they change...
(And yes, you can find this post WITH nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/sos-trapped-in-category-5-shitstorm-please-send-nukes/)
William Barr had so much fun redacting the Mueller report, he's decided to remove any and all ethical standards at the Department of Justice, booking a $30,000 holiday party at his Turd Emperor's tacky D.C. hotel. And while this may look to the cynical observer like a textbook example of a kickback, there's almost certainly a reasonable alternative explanation, though no one is pretending to care enough to make one, because fuck you, that's why.
The Republican Party of Alabama wants to kick Ilhan Omar out of the House of Representatives, over charges of alleged anti-Semitism, and I certainly look forward to their ethical consistency when they flip their state blue in 2020 over Donald Trump’s legitimately-right-out-of-the-Nazis'-mouths comments about Jewish “disloyalty.” Serial child molester Roy Moore made sure to weigh in affirmatively on the nutty idea that the Heart of Dixie deserves veto power over the voters of the Minnesota 5th, and I dunno about you, but I'm just about done with moralizing lectures from Alabama.
Back when it looked like Hurricane Dorian was headed for Puerto Rico, Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to shit a little a more on that island full of American citizens he's already abandoned once to suffer and die out of racism-borne neglect, because he only wants to be president of some of us, and certainly not the brown folks with no Electoral College clout. And God heard him and re-directed the storm at Marm-a-Lago.
So, due to a recent resignation, the Federal Election Commission is basically shutting down, because they won't have a quorum. I wouldn't worry about this, since there aren't any major elections coming up, and there certainly aren't any significant incumbents with a well-documented history of colluding with hostile foreign powers to influence electoral outcomes.
As if on cue, new reports from behind the scenes at the G7 summit showed Little Donnie Two-Scoops acting PutinPuppetier than ever, with Uncle Vlad's hand so far up the U.S. President's ass I bet his elbow smells like room temperature Burger King fries. This on top of the reports that he tried like hell to cut off military aid to Ukraine. Dude, just move the Russian embassy to Melania's side of the bed and be done with it.
Hey we're finally getting to meet the new Gaslighter General, excuse me, I mean “Press Secretary,” which is nice, because so far our relationship with Stephanie Grisham has primarily been based on her drunk driving mugshots. She's being courteous enough to completely shred any semblance of credibility right up front, which I must say I appreciate.
Seems President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has finally started to notice that his term so far has amounted to little more than a festering landfill, overflowing with failure, and so he's frantically scrambling for some sort of actual accomplishment to hold over his head with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, so as to bellow “look, I don't totally suck I only mostly suck.”
And because he is very, very, very, very, very, very, stupid, he's chosen the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. He wants it like the Hamburgler wants heart disease. He wants it so bad he's ordering aides to seize private lands, steal funding from whatever Pentagon programs forget to lock their doors at night, and for extra autocrat points, break any laws that stand in their way, secure in the knowledge that he'll pardon away the consequences. Anyway, I'm sure the career criminal who views the presidency as a never-ending stack of Get Out of Jail Free cards isn't getting up to any other mischief behind the scenes.
The hot new dance craze started by Government Cheese Goebbels has spread all the way across the Atlantic! Yes, everyone's doing the Fuck Democracy Shuffle, even new Prime Minister (For Now) Boris Johnson, who figured his plot to kidney-punch the British economy via no-deal Brexit would go a lot more smoothly without all those pesky legislators telling him to do something less colossally suicidal, so he asked the Queen to let him suspend Parliament for a spell. This whole “giving authoritarian morons immense political power” thing doesn't seem to be working out, y'know?
Mad Dog Mattis became the latest former Treasonweasel Administration official to peek his head over the edges of cone of shame, taking the first halting steps of the traditional image rehabilitation tour. But no brash, uncouth, Scaramucci is General Jim, no no; he prefers coquettishly batting his eyes, teasing “oh, I certainly have a tale or two to tell, but I have MUCH too much military discipline and respect for the office of the presidency to tell them just yet, but don't you find my shapely ankle tantalizing?”
The latest bug up Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s ass is the seven minutes a day Fux Nooz doesn't devote to brainwashing (or MyPillow ads), whining about how they're slacking on the job, like a disgruntled contractor that's just realized he's never getting paid. And various Fux propagandists got all huffy and went, "we don't work for YOU, Mister, we work for institutional white supremacy IN GENERAL so there!” so anyway, to be fair n’ balanced, fuck BOTH SIDES of this jagoff kerfuffle.
The latest Seriously What the Living FUCK move from the What Can We Say We Just Fucking Hate You All Administration reverses the policy of automatically granting U.S. citizenship to the children of federal employees, including servicemembers, born overseas.
How does an idea like this even come up? Is Stephen Miller so demented that he's pacing around his apartment in the middle of the night, fucked up on some experimental drug made from the distilled tears of frightened migrant children, muttering to himself “I'll tell you what's wrong with this country! We're too motherfucking easy on the people who risk their lives to defend it!”
But even as they experiment with bold new techniques for Fucking People Over for No Reason Whatsover, your government works ceaselessly to develop new innovations in core competencies like Hurting Children. Get the Fuck Out notices have been sent to immigrants who have been receiving life-saving medical treatment in the United States, because Donald Trump is in some sort of evil-off competition with Hitler's ghost, I guess.
Kicking someone out of the hospital while they're undergoing life-saving treatment is called murder, by the way. Just murder. Once they got away with opening the concentration camps, they were always going to try murdering people. And so that's what's happening now. In America.
Anyway, it comes as absolutely no surprise that these rat bastards are blocking congressional staff from visiting border detention facilities. When you really think about it, it kinda defeats the whole purpose of a concentration camp, if you allow oversight. You really wanna make the decent people work for it, y'know? Like a, “we'll let you in when you're at the head of a liberating army” sort of thing.
Judge Jeanine Pirro became the latest conservative pundit to let her hair down and go full white nationalist, spouting the same vile “white replacement” bile as the Tiki Torch Loser Brigade in Charlottesville and the mass-murdering terrorist in El Paso. Jeanine, I gotta ask: what, precisely, do you imagine you bring to this world that's worth replacing? I get crazy people shouting at me every time I go on the subway, and they're usually much less hateful.
Always legacy-minded, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot rolled back methane emissions regulations this week, because his disdain for his fellow man isn't limited to just those of us actively suffering through his reign; he wants to send an enduring “go fuck yourself, plebs” to resonate through generations yet to come. He's probably gonna bury time capsules filled with used diapers and mustard gas all over the White House lawn.
And it turns out Donnie Dotard did indeed lie about his alleged phone calls from the Chinese, in order to trick the market into not plummeting any further following the latest escalation in his bonehead trade war. On the bright side, the markets falling for the obvious lie of a known liar is pretty much the only argument in favor of regulating capitalism that we'll ever need.
Self-Proclaimed Campaign Trail Superstar Shartboy, Jr., went to Kentucky to campaign for Healthcare-Thieving Ghoul Matt Bevin, and the turnout was pretty good...for a didgeridoo concert in a hot air balloon. Just a little schadenfreude bonbon for ya, you deserve it.
Tulsi Gabbard went on Tucker Carlson's show to call him out, face to face, on his own turf, for his despicable record of white supremacy. JUST KIDDING she dropped by to whine about the DNC's debate rules, with their totally unfair “you must have a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning, c'mon, it's almost Labor Day” cutoff. Just a head's up, lending your celebrity and credibility to Liar Tuck's White Power Hour isn't gonna win you any more Democratic votes, Tulsi. You are now cordially invited to fuck off forever.
And a Department of Justice inspector general report found that Jolly Jim Comey did not, as he had been accused by a certain Marmalade Shartcannon, break the law in leaking his famous memos. Turns out all he broke was the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. But hey, you don't have to go jail, Jimbo. Except for, you know, the jail of your making we're all forced to inhabit now thanks to your shit judgment.
Sharty McFly's personal assistant, Madeleine Westerhout, got fired, apparenlty for drunkenly telling some reporters some mean stories about how her boss doesn't really like one of his own children, yet another reminder that there are no good guys in this asshat administration, just dirtbags that periodically turn on one another.
And President Crotchrot figured today was as good a day as any to casually reveal the capacities of our espionage apparatus to the whole world on social media, no doubt believing that blurting out such a highly-guarded secret was surely worth it to troll Iran a little bit. Something something something Hillary's e-mail server.
(Is it weird to anyone else that in the midst of all this madness and atrocity, the shitbag responsible for it all isn't focused on the imminent weather disaster, or the economy he's about to break, but on allegations of bedbugs at one of his crappy resorts?)
There is, I'm sure, a ton of stuff I missed, but I have taken all I can take for one week. If you need me, I'll be the guy curled up in the fetal position on his sofa, watching old Duck Tales cartoons, dreaming of the time when I could still believe the comforting lies told in my public school American history textbooks.
I Hereby Order You to Look at Just How Thirsty for That Canada Dry Melania Is (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Once upon a time, they laughed at Warren Harding for pitching a “return to normalcy” but motherFUCK I would give my left arm, my eye teeth, a kidney, and half my comic book collection* for some goddamn normalcy right now. I want to sprinkle normalcy on my breakfast cereal, sew it into the lining of my winter coat, and dip my balls in it. But I don't get to do that, do I?
(And yes, you can find this post, with allllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/i-hereby-order-you-to-look-at-just-how-thirsty-for-that-canada-dry-melania-is/)
David Koch is surely dealing with something straight out of Greek mythology by now, don'tcha think? Like, he could probably get that eagle to stop devouring his liver every day, but there are all these ethereal lobbyists and shady underworld dark money groups who fund an intricate network of super PACS and media outlets designed to suppress the anti-liver-devouring vote, and isn't that just a shame?
Seems Team Treasonweasel is fumin’ mad at A$AP Rocky for refusing to devote his life to the Fascist Farthuffer's re-election in gratitude, thus magically delivering the African-American vote to the Very Fine People. It's adorable, in a sort of KKKabbage Patch KKKids sort of way, that these clowns imagine a single rapper's endorsement would somehow wash away the decades of bigotry, from the Central Park Five to inciting white supremacist terrorists, but then these are the very same political geniuses who fantasized about legions of Democrats forgetting all about the concentration camps and the tax scam and the attempts to steal health care from millions if he only pardoned our One True Lord and Savior...Rod Blagojevich.
Meanwhile, somebody in the Department of Justice is sending out e-mails to immigration judges with links to white nationalist websites, and Stephen Miller is still one of the most powerful creeps on Earth, so I don't think this is a one-rapper job, kids.
And the They Shoulda Stopped Handed Out Rights in the 18th Century Administration sent a brief to the Supreme Court asking them to forever enshrine the right of bigoted jagoffs to fire people just for being LGBTQ, and let's all give the Log Cabin Republicans a really cinematic standing ovation for their decision to endorse the very turdwaffle who wants to make them second-class citizens in their own country.
Hey may not be very good at being president or closing umbrellas or dressing like an adult, but credit where it's due, Government Cheese Goebbels truly excels at inspiring the shittiest people in America to be as shitty as they can possibly be. And while the terrorist mass-shooters grab all the headlines, don't sleep on the likes of 67-year-old Jean Cramer, running for the Marysville, Michigan city council on a “keep the town white as a Leave it to Beaver rerun” platform. Jean wants you to know that she's not racist, oh and by the way she also opposes interracial marriage. But for sure not racist.
The trade war with China is going pretty much exactly as you'd expect under the command of President All the Bad Kids From Willy Wonka Rolled Up in One. The dumb fuck just keeps getting baited into raising tariffs, or, as they are known here in the absurdist hellscape we call real life, TAXES ON AMERICAN CONSUMERS AND BUSINESSES, and then bragging about all the money he's stealing from us.
And of course the Chinese keep retaliating, because they're not the ones facing a fed-up-as-fuck electorate in a little over a year with no positive arguments to make beyond “even I'm not dumb enough to fuck up the economy Obama left me...yet.” In his responding tantrum, Strawberry Shartcake casually attempted to nationalize the entire American economy on Twitter, “ordering” companies to stop doing business with China. It's that perfect collision of wannabe tyranny and pathetic impotence that just screams “Donald Trump.”
In a bid to sleep at the foot of the Turd Emperor's bed tonight, Snivelling Lackey Lindsey Graham had an order of his own for the American people; “accept the pain” of a doddering dolt reaching directly into your pocket to set your money on fire for no reason beyond bullheaded pride as he meddles with economic forces he literally does not fucking understand. Probably the only South Carolinian who's happy to hear that particular message from their senior Senator is Jaime Harrison.
Meanwhile, the Shart of the Deal continues to believe he can bluff his way through this shit, apparently fabricating phone calls where the Chinese begged him for a deal. And while I'm sure that impresses the drooling idiot in the MAGA cap and QAnon t-shirt, it means precisely jack shit at the actual negotiating table. Let me spoil this for you bro: they're going to wait you out, micro-target swing state economies to make you electorally radioactive, and then sort things out whoever comes next, which should be fine so long as it isn't that Williamson woman, right?
The weekend brought us the annual Shameapalooza known as the G7 summit, which shines the brightest possible spotlight on the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits’ many, many, defects. Watching him lumbering alongside actual, competent, world leaders, as they effortlessly outclass him, and oh-so-blatantly manipulate him with disposable flattery, practically shatters my spine with embarrassment shivers. It's like watching Juilliard auditions, and suddenly some dipshit waddles out on stage and starts making armpit fart sounds.
Oh, and he tried to get his boss, that Putin fella, readmitted to the club, because it gets kinda boring without someone to talk about murdering journalists with. Because he is a loser who nobody fears or respects, he failed spectacularly, so he's back to square one on the problem of paying Vlad back for the whole “getting him elected” thing, since Mulvaney keeps insisting he isn't allowed to cede control of California to Russia.
Irritated at the insufficient opportunities to rub his peers’ noses in his imaginary successes, President Gas Station Urinal Cake even skipped out entirely on the last day's climate change meeting. Look, he had to sorta almost work for the whole weekend, in rooms that didn't even have Fux Nooz on, so he was pretty tuckered out, poor lil’ guy.
And now he's invited the G7 back to his place for Emoluments Clause Violations and Chill, I guess because he wants to make it easier for his wife and daughter to take turns pushing Justin Trudeau into their bedrooms. Still going for the cheapest available grift; I bet he came back from France with a suitcase full of hotel towels.
Capping off the weekend's buffet of humiliation, Axios broke the news that on more than one occasion, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet broached the idea of stopping hurricanes by dropping nuclear bombs on them.
Y'know what? Fuck you, shitbag. You've gone too far this time. I work my ass off trying to write gags for this little blog o’ mine, and comic overstatement has always been a reliable tool in the box, but you've taken that away from me with your seemingly infinite capacity for ridiculousness. Nuking hurricanes? Buying Greenland? These are the sorts of conversations that tend to happen around the Ninja Turtles arcade machine at Chuck E. Cheese, AMONG TEN YEAR OLD BOYS. If I were to write “President Trump ordered the Coast Guard to combat global warming by dumping 60 tons of Hostess Sno Balls into the Atlantic Ocean," people might chuckle, but they'd still google it real quick to make sure it wasn't real.
Sad news for Steve King, whose re-election campaign has less money than a passably-organized Girl Scout troupe a week after the Thin Mints drop, I guess because I Lost My Committee Assignments for Hanging Out with Austrian Nazis and Also Rape and Incest are Highly Underrated Kinda Like the Deep Purple of Sexual Atrocities doesn't turn out to be the greatest fundraising pitch. Anyway, fuck Steve King.
Deadbeat Dad/Mega-Racist Shitsack Joe Walsh announced a primary challenge to the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor from whatever right-wing nutcase alternate dimension he inhabits. I see a lot of folks saying this is a bad thing, because Walsh is also utter trash (and he is), but when you're cleaning out the Augean Stables, anyone who feels like grabbing a shovel is welcome. Like, if I went to the doctor tomorrow, and they found a tumor in my lower intestine, and that tumor wanted to primary Donald Trump, I'd ask “would you shut down the concentration camps?” before “benign or malignant?”
And Withered Hate Raisin Joe Arpaio, on the anniversary of receiving his historically undeserved pardon from Hairplug Himmler, announced a bid to seek his old job as Maricopa Country Sheriff, because he misses violating human rights, I guess. If we don't get to see him rotting in prison, I suppose another humiliating election defeat, dragging Trump and McSally down in Arizona along with him, is the next best thing.
In the tradition of ending the blog on a high note, here's Ruth Bader Ginsburg, looking like she could still juggle steam shovels after her latest cancer scare. If we can all manage to be 1/8th as tough as the Notorious RBG, we'll take this country back in no time.
That's just about all I can take for tonight, Resisters. I'm piñata full of madness, and I will now wander my neighborhood in search of children with sticks. Be well.
*Not the Steranko Nick Fury stuff, of course.
Oh, He's Developing a Messiah Complex & Questioning Jews' Loyalty? I'm Sure This Ends Well. (Ferret)
Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let's dive in.
(As you are no doubt aware, this post can be found, with alllllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/oh-hes-developing-a-messiah-complex-questioning-jews-loyalty-im-sure-this-ends-well/)
The “feud” between Yammering Haircut Anthony Scaramucci and the President of the United States continues, and word is Littefinger is actually afraid of the damage this fruitfly-lifespanned former insider could do to him. Anyway, the Mooch launched the predictable super PAC grift, so he can get rich dressing up as a Resistance Hero™️, but we're too smart to fall for that shit, aren't we, Shower Captives? We'll be saving our money for the kickass Democratic candidates fighting to hold the House and flip the Senate, won't we?
Animated by the twin motives of stinginess and hatred, the Seriously What the Fuck is Wrong with You Administration is refusing to give flu vaccinations to prisoners in their migrant concentration camps, even though, or probably specifically because, at least three detained children have already died of the flu. While this an appalling new low in this campaign of racist terror, don't expect it to bother Trump’s evangelical “Christian” base nearly so much as that one speech where he said a no-no word a couple of times, because they must be selling Bibles with some of the key pages torn out these days. Anyway, if you looked at Stephen Miller's search history right now, I guarantee he's looking for good deals on smallpox blankets.
Oh, and these soulless bastards simultaneously want to change the rules to allow indefinite detention of families with children in the concentration camps where human beings are denied access to basic sanitation and medical treatment. That's right, even though the overwhelming majority of released asylum-seekers do, in direct contradiction to GOP propaganda, show up for their hearings (they are, after all, seeking asylum), your white nationalist government insists on keeping them locked up, in squalid conditions, at taxpayer expense. Imagine if they focused their fanaticism on helping people, rather than hurting them.
And while he's using the full, horrifying, powers of the federal government to torture migrant children, Trump is obstructing any efforts to protect American kids (and adults, I suppose) from the mounting threat of gun violence; what murderous multitasking! Yes, a single phone call from his death merchant paymasters was all it took to make Lil’ Donnie-Two Scoops run screaming from his previous commitment to expand background checks. I suppose that makes sense; if you're scared of a popcorn fart like Scaramucci, Wayne LaPierre must look like a grizzly bear with chainsaws for paws.
One thing that doesn't frighten Tangerine Idi Amin is stirring up anti-Semitic hate. No, even though you can't leave the house anymore without tripping over a new rage-filled white boy quoting his rhetoric in a who-I'd-like-to-mass-murder-this-summer manifesto, Donald Trump simply refuses to stop fanning the flames. And so here we are, two and a half years into this fucking nightmare, watching the President casually, shamelessly, vomit up the vile smear that Jews who refuse to support him politically are “disloyal,” indeed, using the very language that inspired the Holocaust. And still his apologists will bellow and wail like so many Blanche DuBois understudies if you dare suggest their Turd Emperor is bigoted in any way.
Because there's always an element of imbecility to everything he does, the Farthuffing Fascist's little foray into open Hitler cosplay actually sprang from his boneheaded attempt to paint a couple of Democratic Congresswomen as anti-Semitic. He sees all those polls showing Diamond Joe and Friends flushing him like the what-the-hell-did-I-EAT shitsquirt that he is, and he thinks he can change the subject and run against two Muslim women instead. Going forward, he might have more luck in his quest to paint Reps Tlaib and Omar as haters of Jews and Israel by drawing comparisons to himself.
Lest we imagine all this is taking place in a vacuum, lemme just pull the whole first sentence of a story in the Failing New York Times: “A Nazi sympathizer who threatened to butcher a Hispanic woman and boasted that President Trump would wipe out nonwhites in a “racial war and crusade” was arrested on charges of making threats, the F.B.I. said on Tuesday.” This gem of a specimen is the just the latest in the avalanche of white supremacist fuckheads who've been apprehended in the last few days, thankfully before they could carry out their terrorist fantasies.
And Hairplug Himmler once again squawked and moaned a bit about his desire to eliminate birthright citizen by executive order, reminding us that if there's one thing he hates as much as brown people, it's the U.S. Constitution.
In addition, the Adderall-Addled Assclown wants to let his old pal Vlad back into the G7, cuz what's a little Crimean Peninsula here and there among friends? Or among lapdog and lap-haver, I suppose? Anyway, this is sort of reminiscent of that time FDR responded to the attack on Pearl Harbor by inviting the Japanese over for Spam and bourbon, and then gave them a bunch of money for no reason.
Like a child trying to reassemble the alarm clock he's smashed to bits, Donnie Dotard doesn't know what the fuck to do about the economy he's been diligently throat-punching since assuming office. Unwilling to do the logical thing and back off his Dumbfuck Trade War, (because his pride is more important than millions of Americans’ financial security, you see) he's apparently test-driving the pitch that the impending Trump Recession would just be a small recession, “moderate and short,” honestly kinda cute if you think about it, just an adorable little erasure of billions in wealth shouldered primarily by the working class anyway please vote for the guy who caused it because he's too stupid to understand how tariffs work.
Somehow the Aw, Look, the Dumb Shit Actually Thinks He Can Buy Greenland story managed to morph into a legitimate diplomatic incident with lasting consequences for the United States, because it turns out leaving your foreign policy in the hands of a tantruming toddler with full diaper and an empty head is unwise, who knew?
Yes, because the Government of Denmark refused the utterly ludicrous offer, which wasn't really ever even an offer, just a bit of behind-the-scenes spitballing that some staffer leaked to make him look like a fucking idiot, the Bonespur Buttplug actually cancelled his scheduled state visit at the last minute, because the Danes were so mean to him. Personally, I think Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen showed impressive restraint in labeling the idea merely “absurd” rather than “the deranged jabbering of a visibly-deteriorating fuckwit.”
Anyway, the cancellation spares Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet the humiliation of a comparative crowd-off with his predecessor and nemesis; Obama has his own Denmark trip coming up, y'see. I actually think Wee Don would draw the larger crowd here, it's just that they'd be protesters berating and mocking him, but hey, there wouldn't any empty seats in the photos, bro.
And Iceland's Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir is turning down the opportunity to make Vice President Mike Pants squirm by insisting on a private one-on-one meeting, citing “prior commitments,” with a healthy subtextual “go fuck yourself, you insufferable fascist cretin.” This opens up some time in Mikey Hairshirt's schedule, which he'll likely spend alone in his hotel room, fapping to the shapely fjords that remind him vaguely of the way his favorite pages used to bend over the filing cabinets, back in his congressional days.
Wonder how Pencey-Poo feels about his boss throwing around suggestions that he's “the Second Coming of God,” and “the King of Israel?” I dunno, I have a hard time believing God would have such tiny, inadequate, fingers. And it begs theological questions, like “Could God tie a necktie long enough to make God himself look like a drooling moron who doesn't even know how to get dressed?”
But it's not enough for Sharty McFly to shamble around the West Wing with a “25th Amendment Me” sign taped to his back, he added another unsettling rant about being “the chosen one” a little later in the day. Look, if I was an HBO showrunner trying to milk this shit for maximum effect, yes, I would absolutely add a dementia-fueled messiah complex subplot, it's just good drama. As a human being with a simple desire to live out his natural life, however, I mostly just hope somebody's had the foresight to put childproof locks on the nuclear football.
Hey look, Sean Spicer has parlayed his previous post as “propaganda minister for a white supremacist fascist” into a spot on Dancing with the Stars! It's entertainment for anyone who ever wondered if Mengele had rhythm! Anyway, Spicey is a gaslighting shitstain who pissed on the grave of every American who ever died for freedom, so trotting his treasonous ass out like some sort of novelty act is completely unforgivable, and I hope whoever made that bullshit call falls into a pit of fire ants.
Speaking of undeserved financial windfalls for American traitors, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders decided she missed having a platform to lie to the American people with sneering condescension, so she's taken a new job with Fux Nooz. Maybe she can re-enact old press conference deceptions during Tucker Carlson's commercial breaks, there sure as shit aren't any advertisers who want that time.
Oh, and Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Fucker Giuliani says the State Department helped him out on his recent trip to Ukraine in search of political dirt on Joe Biden and the DNC. Yes, THAT State Department, the one that's supposed to conduct diplomacy on behalf of the whole country, not engage in partisan ratfucking. Foggy Bottom is hollowed out so that Jared Kushner can put U.S. policy up for sale to the highest bidder, and what little staff is left collects taxpayer salary to work on the Shart re-election campaign, NEAT.
Jay Inslee dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary, and John Hickenlooper announced his run for Cory Gardner's Colorado Senate seat. Makes me think back to the winnowing of the massive flock of rectums that made up the 2016 GOP field, and y'know what? I'm proud of our team. And not just the presidential candidates (although, with a couple of exceptions, what an embarrassment of riches, right?), but all the elected officials, from the seasoned pros to our incredible freshmen House class. And even beyond that, down to all us grassroots types, making the phone calls, knocking on the doors, giving whatever we can to win the country back.
We're a good crew, y’all. We made some amazing progress in 2018, and we're closer than ever to our opportunity to finish the job. Hang in there.
How Many White Supremacist Terrorists Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Jane, I have asked, repeatedly, to be let off this crazy thing. This whole The West Wing, Only Stupid and Awful gimmick has more than run its course, and I'd very much like to watch something else now. All I want is to change the channel, but I can't find the fucking remote, and oh shit this is still real life, isn't it?
(As is customary, this post is available, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/how-many-white-supremacist-terrorists-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-light-bulb-and-other-hilarious-jokes/)
Turns out the President who has to pay for sex also has to pay to turn out an audience for the Barnum-esque Come See Dementia Deterioration in Real Time exhibitions he calls “re-election rallies.” Yes, Shell Oil had to bribe its employees to sit through one of Strawberry Shartcake’s rambling rants, and, as the empty seats in New Hampshire last week prove, without such payoffs, he's simply declining as a draw; by 2020 he'll be opening for Night Ranger at state fairs.
Republicans on the Federal Election Commission blocked an investigation into allegations that Russia used the bloodthirsty death merchants over at the rapidly-imploding-and-ain't-that-a-shame National Rifle Association to launder rubles for the benefit of the Treasonweasel Campaign back in 2016, because there are only two types of Republicans these days; robbers, and getaway drivers.
One of the big problems the NRA is facing these days is that all of their arguments are shit, and as such, they're increasingly rejected by an American public that's growing tired of living in fear of being massacred every time they go out in public. And since the old crap isn't landing anymore, they're reduced to belching up gonzo nonsense like, and this is a 100% real quote, not one of the ones I make up for laffs sometimes, “How do you tell a 10-year-old little girl who got a Ruger 10/22 with a pink stock for her birthday that her rifle is an assault weapon and she has to turn it over to government or be arrested for felony possession?"
Now, on the one hand, when your opponents are reduced to making “arugments” as farcical as that plateful of hot garbage, you're definitely winning. On the other, think of how shamelessly insane you have to be to go, “I BOUGHT A FOURTH-GRADER A WEAPON OF WAR AND YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT OUT OF HER COLD DEAD HANDS?”
The emotionally stunted fascist manchild brigade known as the Proud Boys staged another of their trademark Rallies to Raise Awareness of the Sexual Inadequacies of the Proud Boys, but Portland police managed to keep them from getting into too much trouble this time. Naturally, Hairplug Himmler took these dorky little thugs’ side, hoping to stir up enough fear of the imaginary Antifa menace that nobody notices all the failure and regression and atrocity and whatnot.
Meanwhile, a scuzzy new trio of shitty white boys have been apprehended by law enforcement before they could fulfill their terrorist mass-shooting fantasies. Racist social media posts? Check. Arsenals suited to an Afghan battlefield? Check. Depressingly rapid normalization of Angry Young Man American terrorists? That's a double-check, folks.
You look at the mugshots of these miles-below-average-on-the-best-day-of-their-life losers, or the gaggles of doughy basement-dwellers in Portland, and you can't help but wonder just how they came to reject the evidence of Every Mirror in the World and somehow conclude they're exemplars of the master race. Like, if Brad Pitt came out as a white supremacist, you'd be pissed, but then he'd take his shirt off, and you'd go “ok, I kinda get it, seriously, how the fuck are you 55 years old?” but you look at these dudes who're like “what if soggy Captain Crunch was a person,” and you're almost more confused than angry.
Probably more dangerous than even these heavily-armed scumfucks is Steven Menashi, Shart Garfunkel's latest nominee to the federal judiciary, another choice specimen, with an equal-parts-horrifying-and-idiotic (horridiotic?) history of writings praising ethnonationalism. Really looking forward to a lifetime of this guy interpreting the Constitution for the rest of us, aren't you? Anyway, big thanks to the third party voters out there, your "principled stance" just keeps on bearing fruit.
The weekend brought not one but two profiles of White Nationalist Tapeworm Stephen Miller, because if there's a market for scat porn, I suppose there are folks who might want to spend their downtime exploring the Lifestyles of the Detestable and Subpar. With all due respect to the Washington Post and the New York Times, I think I already had this one covered.
The big picture, as far as Miller is concerned, is that a man with an poorly maintained litter box for a soul shouldn't be given power over a Sunglass Hut, let alone America's immigration policy. Never have I seen a person so passionately focused on harming and terrorizing other human beings. The little shitmaggot worked, for MONTHS, on a plan to keep undocumented children out of public schools, only to be thwarted by that Constitution he hates so much. But as long as he's in the Shart House, he's never going to stop looking for new ways to wield the awesome power of the federal government to hurt brown people, especially children.
And don't forget young Stephen has a new study buddy in Ken Cuccinelli, someone to go on field trips to spray-paint ethnic slurs on the State of Liberty with, someone to banter over the finer points of Mein Kampf while the Klan robes go through the dryer at the laundromat. CNN tells us the Cooch has belonged to a crazed, anti-immigrant, hate group since 2007, so I'm sure the two hateful little twerps never run out of vile shit to talk about, like Mean Girls, only they're boys, older, and also Nazis.
Somehow, in the midst of this epidemic of racist fuckery n’ terror, the OG Congressional White Nationalist, Steve King, is demanding an apology, cuz he insists there's some sort of magical “context” where his creepy “y'know what gets a bad rap? RAPE AND INCEST, THAT'S WHAT” comments were anything other than the mouth-turds of a demented jackass. You go ahead and hold your breath on that one, Steve-O.
Hey look, we've finally got a story that isn't about a white supremacist trying to hurt and/or kill people! Wow, it's been a minute, hasn't it? Anyway, the economy is about to blow up.
Ah, but what better way to calm the markets than to pump Shambling Cretin Larry Kudlow full of scotch and drop him off on the Sunday Shoz? Larry says everything's just peachy keen, there certainly isn't a recession hiding under the President's bed with all those crusty photos of Ivanka, but then the hosts reminded him he said the exact same fucking thing in 2007, because he's a moron who's always wrong about everything. Well, maybe not everything. Maybe he's really good at like, pairing craft beers with tapas, but at economics, yeah, he's basically Beavis, which is regrettable, considering he's Littlefinger's CHIEF MOTHERFUCKING ECONOMIC ADVISOR.
And this initially feels like a fun little Hah Hah You Doofus moment, until you realize that doddering old twit walks away from that interview and goes back to work, whispering nonsense directly into the Rube-in-Chief's ears, and while the rest of us might enjoy a snicker at his expense, we also have to live with the consequences of his suddenly-much-less-amusing economic misconceptions.
Hot off the mind-boggling imbecility of the Let's Buy Greenland gambit, word is the Velveeta Vulgarian wants to run a full naval blockade of Venezuela, I guess because the people there aren't starving hard enough for his liking. I'm worried that the rule of threes might just dictate that there's one more of these stories out there, like maybe he's ordered John Bolton to draw up a plan to saw the Baja California Peninsula off the continent and then steal it when it floats away.
Donnie Two-Scoops conducts foreign policy like a second grade-boy jacked up on Mountain Dew and Chuckles, and it's a testament to military discipline that the Joint Chiefs don't have him carted away when he starts jabbering about running a naval blockade on a nation with 1,740 miles of coastline, also surely insisting that each American ship be equipped with this totally badass mega-robot that's also a ninja, and maybe you could make it a sex doll, too, just for efficiency's sake.
Unsatisfied with his already-impressive collection of flaws and shortcomings, Tangerine Idi Amin has decided to expand into an exciting new realm of personal deficiency: raving paranoia! It's like looking at a sandwich made of pubic hair, broken glass, and used bandaids, and saying to yourself, “this would be REALLY good if I pissed on it.”
See, signs of imminent recession are multiplying like tribbles, and with his known allergy to taking responsibility for his failures (“Mulvaney! Who keeps filling up my adult diapers with poo?”), Fat Q*bert has decided that the whole thing is one giant conspiracy to deny his re-election. The media is in on it, y'see, because they keep reporting the objective truth about all the ways his curdled-yogurt-brained trade war is crotch-punting the American economy, rather than dutifully presenting his preferred narrative, that everyone is bored with money now because they have so much of it.
Even the once-loyal propagandists of Fux Nooz are in it, as demonstrated by their recent poll showing Weehands McNodick getting his begolfpantsed ass handed to him in 2020 by every Democrat from Biden to Warren to a worn-out I'm With Her t-shirt. Giving multiple white nationalists prime-time hate speech extravaganzas is no longer enough; reality must be bent to conform to the Turd Emperor's wishes, dagnabbit!
There totally is a conspiracy to wreck the economy and elect a Democrat in 2020, by the way. It's between Donald Trump and the craven enablers who keep letting him do all this stupid shit that everybody hates. The call is coming from inside the house, you blithering simpletons.
And like that one Uncle back home who went from sending you chain letters about the Clinton Murder Machine back in college to using numerology to decipher QAnon posts, the Candycorn Skidmark wasted no time at all in discovering even bat-shittier conspiracy theories to spread FROM HIS PULPIT AS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE FUCKING UNITED STATES, and now he's babbling something about Google changing millions of votes with alien mind worms or some shit, who knows what goes on in that Adderall-and-experimental-hair-tonic-ruined brain? Anyway, I figure we're only a few months away from the old fart going full Harry Caul, ripping up the carpet in the Oval Office in search of the little elves he's certain Obama left behind to spy on him.
After five years, the NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner has been fired, and while it's wonderful that he won't be patrolling the streets anymore, in a few years we'll stumble across an article somewhere, detailing just how much money he'll have made on the extremely lucrative conservative victimhood media circuit, and on that day, we will all need a fucking DRINK.
And the Shart Administration “succeeded” in pushing Planned Parenthood out of the Title X program, over a new rule that bans providers from referring women for abortions, because we can't have people understanding their constitutional rights, now can we? And if a few million people had to lose access to healthcare to give Drumpfy's dirtbag fake Christian base another handjob, well, so be it.
But hey, at least the rat finks down in Georgia will have a harder time stealing elections going forward, as a federal judge ordered the state to switch to paper ballots by 2020. So the news isn't all bad. Hell, considering we got to the terrorist white boys before they could kill anybody this time, it's practically an MGM musical up in here. Cue the kick line and confetti.
I don't actually have a punchline to the white supremacist light bulb joke, by the way, I just needed a title. You can't trust anybody these days, not even a bloviating nutcase in a mask and a bathrobe.
Mercator Map Leads Doltish Dotard to Fatuous Fantasy of Greenland Grab (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to perform some six-hour-long mid-twentieth-century Czech agitprop, and there's nothing left on the buffet except the fish, which has gone very, very, bad.
(And yes, as always, you can find this post, with all those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/mercator-map-leads-doltish-dotard-to-fatuous-fantasy-of-greenland-grab/)
Ken Cuccinelli, too racist for even this GOP Senate Caucus to confirm, is looking to make the most of his brief tenure as acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, offering some helpful suggestions to give the Statue of Liberty a white nationalist makeover. “We're getting rid of that stupid ‘give me your tired, your poor’ stuff and replacing it with a Whites Only sign, and actually if there's any way to get a new, cross-shaped, torch, that'd be just swell,” he said, after delaying a press conference until the non-white reporters agreed to leave the room.
Sonny Perdue is a regular Mike Huckabee with the whole “sneering disdain for working people disguised as humor” thing. Addressing an audience of farmers who were all, “hey, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe get your idiot boss to stop crotch-stomping our industry with his dumbfuck trade war,” Sonny told a hilarious joke about how farmers are whiny, because who doesn't enjoy getting mocked by the very assholes who're fucking up your life in the first place?
Conservative Thought Leader/Supbar Internet Troll Ben Shapiro agrees that working people are stupid failures who should probably just be turned into mulch, for taking low-paying jobs instead being smart enough to be born to wealthy parents like Ben Shapiro, and I confess I think it's weird that people vote for Republicans when it's so glaringly obvious that Republicans hate people.
After two and a half years of incompetence and defeat, MAGA nation experienced their greatest victory since November 2016, when they were given the opportunity to collectively “dunk” on CNN's Chris Cuomo over some dumb internet video. Raise their taxes, jack up their grocery bills, steal their health care, whatever, just give them a “lib” to “own” and they'll go to bed with malicious little smiles on their faces. They don't even need the bread, thanks, the circuses will do nicely.
Julián Castro took out an ad during the President's daily intelligence briefing, excuse me, I mean “during Fox & Friends,” to call Hairplug Himmler out directly for his hateful rhetoric. In fact, Castro had such success getting the Dotard's attention, he's now considering renting ad space on the pockets of Ivanka's jeans.
Once upon a time, President Gas Station Urinal Cake surrounded himself with a team of economic advisors who, while certainly not the best or the brightest, were at least smart enough to warn him against starting a Big Dumb Trade War. Because he has a small cluster of rabbit droppings for a brain, he decided the solution to this problem was to replace these advisors with dumber, asskissier ones, who would tell him that his bad ideas were in fact very good indeed. And so here we are.
Somewhere within that cavernous cranium of his, he's starting to draw a line between the two lonley pulsating pus-sacks that scream “me go to jail if me not president” and “me not get re-elected if economy go down-down,” and so he's filling diaper after diaper as the stock market fluctuates wildly in response to his boneheaded trade brinkmanship. Naturally, he's more focused on ducking blame than finding solutions, but at least he's backing off the majority of his latest round of threatened tariffs, which he's trying to spin as an Xmas gift to American consumers, who apparently ARE paying the tariffs after all, it turns out. Thanks, Santa, for taking your holly jolly boot off the economy's neck.
But signs of a possible recession keep mounting, with the yield curve inverting, and I won't pretend I understand what the fuck that means, but TV economists throwing around indecipherable jargon is never a good sign. You see some tweed-jacket-and-horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing motherfucker on CNN going on about how “the tromboonler hasn't been this vajazzled since the Hoover Administration," and you start thinking about burying gold coins in the back yard.
ABC helpfully rounded up a list of all the cases where the Candycorn Skidmark's shitty little name has been invoked in connection with violent crimes and/or threats. Surely this is the sign of a healthy nation, that we can, and need to, quantify that sort of thing. Anyhow, “more acts of violence inspired than consequential pieces of legislation enacted” is certainly a novel re-election pitch.
Steve King, having grown fidgety in the absence of committee assignments, decided, for whatever unfathomable reason, to raise his never-welcome voice on behalf of the neglected causes of...rape of incest. “Where would we be without rape and incest?” wondered King, who I am assured is, in fact, a 9-term U.S. Congressman, and not, as would seem likely, a Sacha Baron Cohen character. If they still let Steve come to the State of the Union next year, his guests will be the Ebola virus and Hitler's brain in a jar.
Curt Schilling was, for a time, preternaturally good at throwing a baseball, a talent which earned him millions. The gods apparently decided to balance this gift out by making Curt an absolutely reprehensible human being. He's like the Danny DeVito in TWINS (to Alex Jones’ Arnold Schwarzenegger) of ultra-far-right loons; a mean, stupid, bigoted, colon polyp of a man, who's fond of spreading the horrible conspiracy theory that the mass shootings at Parkland and Sandy Hook were “false flags,” so naturally President Crotchvoid thinks he'd make one helluva Congressman.
A maniac with a lengthy criminal history and an AR-15 held off Philadelphia police for hours, shooting and wounding six officers, prompting Kellyanne Conway to take a quick contempt break between Hatch Act violations to attack Philly's Mayor Jim Kenney for suggesting “hey, maybe allowing violent criminals access to weapons of war so they can slaughter cops is bad and we should stop it,” because while guns matter to Republicans, human lives don't.
Keeping with the Let's Shit on Local Officials in Communities Suffering in the Aftermath of Recent Gun Violence theme, Dorito Mussolini apparently called El Paso Mayor Dee Margo a “RINO” during the infamous Well What Did You Expect Sending a Sociopath on a Consolation Tour trip last week. “Look, just because I inspired a white supremacist terrorist to massacre a bunch of your constituents doesn't give you the right to correct my lies, bro. ‘Republican’ means ‘brainwashed toady who gobbles up my turds like nectar and ambrosia’ now, and you best learn to love it.”
Corey Lewandowski has been subpoenaed by the House Judiciary Committee, which isn't particularly funny, unlike his ongoing flirtation with a Senate run in New Hampshire.
In this month's issue of Pissant Autocrat Team-Up, Donnie and Bibi get together to ban U.S. Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar from entering Israel. This is very smart of Netanyahu, because of course Donald Trump will be president forever, so surrendering to his every momentary whim is sound strategy, and there will never be any negative consequences.
Anyway, Weehands McNoDick has this rather obvious fantasy that he can make the 2020 election a referendum on a quartet non-white lefty Congresswomen rather than his own failures and atrocities. And while you can't leave the house today without tripping over half a dozen pundits breathlessly proclaiming the brilliance of this “strategy,” I have to tell you folks, this little blip in the news cycle isn't going linger in our overburdened memories for a month, let alone a year and half; in a week or so, he'll change the headlines by grabbing some visiting dignitary's ass live on camera, and we're not gonna remember that, either.
Speaking of the Manchurian Manchild's immature fantasies, I guess the dopey old fuck wants to buy Greenland. Yep. Probably imagines he can negotiate a low down payment, then stiff the Danes once he's moved in and loused up the joint with gold toilets and overcooked steak farts. Oh well, I suppose we're all safer when he's daydreaming about self-aggrandizing nonsense like Nobel Prizes and island impulse purchases rather than the actual affairs of state.
Hey, congratulations, Earth! July 2019 was the warmest month ever on record! Hot Girl Summer is right, ayyyyyyyyyy I am so very young and hip to the pop culture of America's youths to the absolute MAX, y’all! Cowabunga!
And the Marmalade Shartcannon, no doubt incensed about all the empty seats at his New Hampshire hate rally, mocked a man he believed to be a protester for being overweight, as well as having tiny little doll hands and not knowing how umbrellas work. Then the dude turned out to be a loyal Cult45 drone who was apparently delighted to be shat upon by his Turd Emperor, and I kinda get that; I still remember the day President Obama asked “hey, who's the sweaty lunatic in the bathrobe and luchador mask?" while the Secret Service dragged me away. I only wanted a selfie, Barack.
A State Department inspector general's report reveals that Fat Q*Bert's malignant political appointees, Kevin Moley and Mari Stull, were fond of harassing and abusing employees they deemed insufficiently loyal, because smooching the saggy Trumpal buttocks is certainly more vital to the department's mission than any of that silly “diplomacy” crap.
Log Cabin Republicans endorsed Government Cheese Goebbels today, even as his administration of, by, and for, the hateful rolled out new rules allowing federal contractors to discriminate against LGBTQ employees. When President for Life Trump rounds them up into camps, expect Log Cabin Republicans to publish an op-ed praising the chow in the mess hall.
Hey, don't look now, but Susan Collins’ 2020 re-election bid has migrated from the forsaken lands of Leans Republican into the verdant hills of This Shit is a Toss-Up, according to the Cook Political Report. Turns out disappointment is a two-way street, Senator. Anyway, give Sara Gideon a whole bunch of money, ‘kay?
Alright, I probably missed some shit, but I'm blaming it on the cough syrup. Anyway, I've got to get a tribute screening of Easy Rider in before bed, so I'm signing off, Shower Captives. See y’all next week.
Clue: Jeffrey Epstein Edition is Gonna be a Huge Seller This Xmas (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I'm a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day's news consumption hasn't exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay?
(And yes, you can find this post, with all them helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/clue-jeffrey-epstein-edition-is-gonna-be-a-huge-seller-this-xmas/)
I missed this one last week, but it seems Jerk-of-All-Trades Mick Mulvaney has a clever little plan to chase some of those pesky scientists out of the federal government by relocating their departments to Kansas City. Ah, the notorious threat of Proximity to Delicious BBQ. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the inevitable reality TV show where Mick forces the entire Department of the Interior to share a couple of Winnebagos as they tour and inspect America's national park system.
So, WaPo informs us that the Grifter Grand Wizard is shaking his tiny, inadequate, fists at the sky in rage, because his precious “brand” has become synonymous with racism. I don't get it. The Central Park Five, the Muslim Ban, “build a wall” chants, “rapists and murderers,” shithole countries, attacks on Elijah Cummings and Baltimore and the Squad, the “very fine people on both sides” speech....old man, you've worked HARD for your reputation; fuckin’ OWN IT. It's like if Ronald McDonald ran around in a sputtering fury, slapping anybody he catches saying “I'm lovin’ it.”
Like, folks've started to notice how much you like re-tweeting British hate-monger Katie Hopkins, who is on the extremely short list of Public Figures More Racist Than Donald Trump. When you're using the presidential bully pulpit to platform a monster who literally tosses around phrases like “final solution,” and you're still confused as to how your brand become essentially “the Klan, but gauche,” maybe you're as stupid as you are racist, which is like, whoa, hellaciously stupid.
But look, in the interest of fairness, would a racist President try to get Israel to ban two Muslim Congresswomen from entry? Oh, I guess he would. So maybe he's as petty as he is dumb and racist, too.
And surely it's unfair to label a man “racist” just because he refuses to stop doing Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany's voices to mock the leaders of South Korea and Japan, right? Big shout out to the Hamptons plutocrat class, who responded to Tangerine Idi Amin’s little stand-up routine not with condemnation, but with phat donation checks; we've developed a voracious appetite for boycotting you collaborating bastards.
Look, if you really want to clear this branding thing up, maybe you should take out some ads on Tucker Carlson's White Power Hour; the rates are surely pretty reasonable, what with all the regular sponsors fleeing in the wake of Liar Tuck's white-supremacy-is-a-hoax-just-ask-the-22-victims-of-the-apparently-imaginary-El-Paso-shooter controversy.
Lindsey Graham remains absolutely horny to repeal the ACA, promising voters that, if returned to power in 2020, his party will finally follow through on their promise to shorten millions of their constituents’ lifespans by stealing their health insurance coverage. It's a weird pitch, particularly after the 2018 blue wave blowout, but if these clods insist on repeating their biggest mistakes, I certainly don't intend to stand in their way.
Walmart finally solved America's gun violence problem once and for all, ordering the removal of violent video game signage from their stores, and unplugging display consoles, because 9 out of 10 mass shooters are, as we know, motivated by the lingering resentment of being pulled away from the Smash Brothers demo before they've finished kicking Bowser's ass. Pretty selfish of the Waltons to keep those stations open in spite of the tens of thousands of annual deaths they caused, but thank GOD, we're out of the woods now.
Actually the gun problem got Bonus Double Solved with Sprinkles, since Universal decided to pull their latest braindead take on The Most Dangerous Game from release. Whew! I think of all of the lives this gesture will save, and that is zero lives, so maybe now that we've gotten all the stupid, stupid, shit out of our systems, we can focus on passing some MOTHERFUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS, huh?
Meanwhile, another would-be white supremacist Walmart shooter got arrested for threatening a mass murder of his own, but please don't confuse that twerp with the one who got arrested for terrorizing a totally different Walmart, strolling through the aisles decked out like he was expecting to be teleported to Fallujah at any moment. What the fuck, is there some sort of Massacre a Walmart merit badge in the Jagoff Scouts?
In international news, the Velveeta Vulgarian renewed his contract on the property he's been leasing half a foot up Kim Jong-un's ass, once again massaging the third-rate, third-world, autocrat's ego, while simultaneously trying to extort our long-time allies in South Korea. Kim, as always, repaid this show of humiliating deference by the leader of the world's sole superpower by launching a bunch of missiles every seven minutes or so, because of how much he respects you, right Donnie?
Hey, you probably haven't head about this, but I guess that Jeffrey Epstein fellah killed himself in prison. And America collectively raised one eyebrow in a single, unified, “what's THIS fuckery, then?” expression, from sea to shining sea.
Now, because I only do this blog twice a week, all the Epstein takes are long gone by now, but I'll say this; through reactions to this story, you found out EXACTLY how crazy every single person in your social media feed is, didn't you? Suddenly, your high school choir teacher, who likes Lisa Murkwoski but seemed more or less stable, is all “THE DEEP STATE FAKED EPSTEIN'S DEATH AND SMUGGLED HIM THROUGH SECRET ILLUMINATI SEWERS INTO THE PIZZAGATE BASEMENT AND GAVE HIM PLASTIC SURGERY SO HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG HUME CRONYN NOW.”
Frankly, in comparison to some of the deeply insane shit I saw, I'm actually kinda disappointed in the “the Clintons strike again” crowd. Like, you're the sweater-wearing suburbanites of conspiracy theorists; the REAL nutjobs find you quaintly pathetic. I bet you listen to James Taylor while you're mainlining 8chan memes.
So yeah, maybe it was more than a little horrifying to see Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet casually accusing his former political opponent of murder, but it was also sort of phoned-in and lame. Isn't normalization fun? Why, I bet when they start jailing Democratic Congressmen, we'll barely even notice!
But never fear, Enabler General William Barr is on the motherfuckin’ case, y’all. He's gonna get to the bottom of just what went wrong in that jail that (checks notes) William Barr, as head of the Justice Department, is ultimately responsible for. He's already uncovered “serious irregularities.” Wow, can't slip anything past you, Billy. Except apparently the life of the most famous prisoner in the entire fucking country.
Revolutionizing international diplomacy in his trademark “custard-brained dullard” style, Government Cheese Goebbels has apparently taken to communicating with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau via sharpie-scrawl-on-torn-off-magazine-cover; it's all the little ways he finds to humiliate the country that show us (and Putin) that he really takes his job destroying America seriously.
I guess we're up to 17 minutes of fame each now, because the fucking Mooch is back, and I guess he's suddenly decided that pussy-grabbing bigots make bad presidents after all and can he pleez be a Resistance Hero™️now and also be on TV a lot? Whatever.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake's phony evangelical base, utterly unmoved by the sexual assault, the children ripped from their parents’ arms and thrown into camps, the stealing from charity, the unapologetic incitement of white supremacist terrorism, or the decades of crimes against Perfectly Good Steak, may have finally hit their breaking point, because the Turd Emperor has taken their lord's name in vain. Does anybody else want to sit these assclowns down someplace, and just ask them what they think the Bible says about stuff? Just out of morbid curiosity?
Stephen Miller and his new playmate Ken Cuccinelli sat down with their crayons (after removing the various shades of brown, of course) and worked up some new ways to fuck over legal immigrants, and Donnie Dotard was so proud of them, he stuck their finished project to the fridge with a magnet shaped of a jar of whitest mayonnaise. Again, the important thing here is that nobody interprets this obsessive focus on curtailing non-white immigration, while issues like the opioid crisis are totally neglected, as motivated by racism in any way.
Also, the administration famous worldwide for their seething hatred of people is branching out into the exciting new field of hatred of animals. Yeah, the myopic fuckers are weakening the Endangered Species Act, probably as direct vengeance for that one bald eagle video, because America's bountiful natural heritage is for CUCKS.
And even Dr. Ronny Jackson can't disguise the rapidly-expanding deficit, which has already eclipsed 2018's full-year total. This must make Republicans really mad, unless maybe all their bellowing about the debt and the deficit is only a bullshit political cudgel to cynically wield against Democrats when they're out of power, but they seem like such nice fellows, I'd hate to imply anything unseemly.
Okay, that's all I got tonight, folks. I can't say for certain I caught everything, in the midst of my NyQuil daze, but I don't think I missed any wars...right?
You Can Lead a Sociopath to a Hospital, But You Can't Make Him Human (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I'm hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I wouldn't still be paying my electric bill, so I guess we really are this fucked.
(As always, you can find this post with allllllll those nifty little news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/you-can-lead-a-sociopath-to-a-hospital-but-you-cant-make-him-human/)
While we were all caught up in the whole “every public space is now a potential slaughterhouse, can we maybe do something about that?” thing, China called President Crotchvoid's bluff, announcing it would suspend all U.S. agricultural imports, because it turns out the guy who doesn't know how to close an umbrella was wrong when he said “trade wars are good, and easy to win,” who'da thunk it?
So, one insecure old fop, entirely out of his element, misunderstanding the very fundamentals of international trade, and terrified of seeming weak, just cost American farmers access to one of the largest markets in the world, access they may never get back. Y'know, the America-wrecking bargain Putin got for his modest investment in misinformation and troll farms is like finding a Picasso at a flea market with a $5 sticker on the back.
Remember John McCollister? The Nebraska state Senator with more guts than Ted Cruz, Mitt Romney, Susan Collins, and the whole dang U.S. Senate Republican caucus put together, by which I mean the bare-minimum level of integrity it takes to call Hairplug Himmler out for his white supremacist hate-mongering? Well, the Nebraska GOP wasted little time in letting him know that if you're going to be denouncing racist terrorism, you're just not welcome ‘round these parts no more.
You could make a killing in the pearl market right now, as countless thousands have been clutched to dust by conservatives in faux outrage over Rep. Joaquin Castro posting publicly available information on major Drumpf donors in his district. Y'see, rich folks want to finance the white supremacist monster who incites terrorism QUIETLY, without anyone knowing about it. They just want their tax cuts so they can go back to their gated communities while the serfs get massacred at Wal-Mart, is that really so wrong?
Yes, our plutocrat overlords are none too happy us peasants are holding them accountable for their support of the Grifter Grand Wizard. Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, facing widespread boycotts of his businesses, thinks he'll get off the hook by claiming he's only financing the non-cross-burny parts. Old man, it does not work that way. As someone who's been trying for years to enjoy the pleasing buzz and refreshing taste of beer without taking on the resulting gut expansion, trust me, these things are package deals.
I'm thinking of opening a new regular segment here in the blog. I'll call it Stochastic Terror Corner. I'll pass out milk and cookies, and we can all sit cross-legged on the floor, wondering if any random passerby might be secretly harboring barely-controlled rage, inflamed by the Bigot-in-Chief, ready to explode in violence at any moment. Like, for example, the Montana man who attacked a thirteen-year-old boy, fracturing his skull...for not taking his hat off during the national anthem, inspired by his Turd Emperor's rhetoric. One of the things I like most about Democratic politicians is that I never feel like they want us to assault children.
We also learned that Fat Q*Bert & co. opposed their own Department of Homeland Security's efforts to combat domestic terrorism, and in all fairness, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to devote resources to stopping the very violence you're working so hard to incite, now does it? Me, I think it's kind of weird that the President of the United States would obstruct law enforcement agencies from protecting American citizens from known threats, but ultimately, defending the homeland is for CUCKS, right?
Vice President Mike Pants is taking a lot of heat for advising a group of his fellow fake Christians to “spend more time on your knees than on the internet.” Now, you're probably expecting me to take the obvious joke, but to me, the funniest thing here is Mikey Hairshirt's ridiculous claim to piety and moral authority. Bro, in your role as sidekick and chief enabler to that child-caging, terrorist-inspiring, democracy-wrecking, wannabe dictator, you're not just profoundly immoral, you've earned a seat at the Very Worst People in All Human History table. The buffet is complimentary, but everything is seasoned with the blood and tears of the innocent.
The House Judiciary Committee filed a lawsuit to enforce their subpoena against former Shart House counsel Don McGahn, and I keep telling you, all this procedural crap may be important, but it sure ain't funny. Just...I dunno, picture Jerry Nadler throwing a pie in McGahn's face, and let's all agree to move on to the next story.
Tucker Carlson chose this week of all weeks to proclaim that white supremacy is a “hoax,” which is a bit like standing on a soapbox in 1918 and screaming that influenza is imaginary. Anyway, Liar Tuck is now embarking on the traditional Fux Nooz host post-saying-something-appalling “vacation,” probably to give a few seminars on timing. Let's make sure he has fewer advertisers than ever waiting to greet him when he gets back, shall we?
Speaking of subpar white dudes with delusions of adequacy, the State Department suspended a staffer over his links to a local white supremacist group, I guess because Stephen Miller doesn't have enough sway at Foggy Bottom to get the little creep promoted. Heh. I guess they're gonna REPLACE HIM now.
Obviously the big story this week was the Marmalade Shartcannon's big Dayton/El Paso Grievance n’ Whinging Tour. Huge shoutout to every pundit who fell for his O-So-Presidential, Big-Boy-in-Pull-Up-Diapers, TelePrompTer Tone the other day, I would love to play poker with you some time. Donnie Dotard spent the day hiding like a coward from a public that loathes him, and SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING CAMPAIGN ADS in the two hospitals. “Look at me posing with the people who got shot because I inspire terrorism,” seems like a tough sell to me, but it's marginally better than “I cut your boss’ taxes and tried to steal your healthcare,” I suppose.
None of the patients in El Paso wanted to meet with him, which is understandable, since it can't possibly be sanitary to allow a Walking Sack of Hippo Shit into your hospital room. Well, sucks to be you, LOSERS, and not just because a white supremacist terrorist tried to murder you, cuz you missed out on the Manchurian Manchild blathering incoherently on the subject of crowd size. I know I hype this “the President is a sociopath” thing all the time, but imagine visiting the victims of a terrorist attack you yourself inspired, and bragging to them about how many Klansmen turn out to watch you rant like some Methhead George Wallace.
The deranged old fuck actually brought previously-discharged patients BACK to the El Paso hospital for his lil’ photo op. And then he spent the bulk of the day shitting on Joe Biden, Beto O’Rourke, Sherrod Brown, and all the other Democrats who make him wake up in a cold sweat, as his 2020 electoral defenestration draws ever nearer, and with it, the loss of the legal immunity his office grants him. Tick tock, motherfucker.
Well, the Viagra doesn't work for Stephen Miller anymore, so ICE went down to Mississippi to snatch a bunch of undocumented immigrants away from their terrified children. Donald Trump may be awful at shepherding legislation, conducting trade and foreign policy, and pretty much every other aspect of his job, but he's the Michael Frickin’ Jordan of inflicting trauma on little kids.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Aldaoud, the diabetic son of refugees, who came to the United States as a baby, died after being deported to Iraq (where he had never lived), because he didn't know anyone there, couldn't speak the language, and couldn't get ahold of insulin. As a smarter man than I put it, the cruelty is the point.
And the Authoritarian Goon Squad Squatting in our Executive Branch is said to be working up an executive order designed to make social media companies stop saying such mean things about Shart Garfunkel's incompetence and his tiny, inadequate, hands. I wonder who's in charge of that doomed little endeavor? Probably a bunch of interns chugging Mountain Dew and scarfing down Funyuns in the Roosevelt Room, shouting at their phones, “Siri, how can I shred the First Amendment into the finest possible confetti?”
So...Lucy McBath is one of the most awesome new Representatives in our mega-awesome freshmen House class, but in a better America, she'd never have run in the first place. McBath became a gun control activist, and later a candidate for office, because her son, Jordan Davis, was shot and killed by an armed white maniac who figured his temporary proximity to a car full of teenagers playing loud music gave him the right to end human lives.
I'm sure you'll agree it's fairly natural, and entirely human, for family members of shooting victims to become gun control activists; who better understands the grief they're working to spare the rest of us? So when the NRCC responds to her call for action in the wake of the weekends’ dual firearm massacres with a sneering “Anything for a quick buck, Lucy!” you could be forgiven for wondering if basic human decency was still a thing.
Bad news, Resisters, Team Treasonweasel has finally uncovered the one secret weapon that will guarantee an electoral college blowout so complete, we'll be lucky if we can keep California and New York blue. Yes, he's aiming to pardon that most beloved of Democrats, Rod Blagojevich*, which, as Jared Kushner (that wily devil) knows, will surely cause a mass exodus of liberals to his shit-stained banner. Anyway, I fully support Littlefinger's continued reliance on Jar-Jar's sage political advice.
And now we learn Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions have been turning fat staxx of documents related to the Shart Family Robinson's business dealings with Russia over to congressional and New York state investigators. The piss hooker budget alone is said to be shocking.
Deputy DNI Director Sue Gordon became the latest adult-in-the-room to get forced out of the intelligence community by the Tantruming Tangelo Toddler, who will always place his personal ego above national security concerns. I imagine that observation has been made by, oh, let's just conservatively say, EVERY SINGLE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AND TERRORIST ORGANIZATION ON THE PLANET, but I'm sure there will be no real-world consequences.
Before I leave you, Resisters, can I urge you to turn up the heat on the gun control issue? We've got a lot of momentum right now, McBath-bashing notwithstanding. Shit, we've even got a Republican Rep supporting an assault weapons ban now! Call your Congressthing, let's force Moscow Mitch to betray his NRA paymasters! Let's save some lives!
*Fun fact: Rod Blagojevich is the only American Governor on whose lawn I have urinated.
I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really, Want: FUCKING GUN CONTROL (Ferret/Shower Cap)
A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, committed mass murder on Saturday, so there aren't going to be any jokes tonight.
A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, killed 22 human beings and wounded two dozen more. And what happens now is that the President and his party will fight like hell to make sure the next white supremacist terrorist has as few obstacles in his path as possible.
(As always, you can find this post, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/ill-tell-you-what-i-want-what-i-really-really-want-fucking-gun-control/)
And yes, another mass shooting took place just a few hours later, in Dayton, Ohio. Not a white supremacist this time, but another angry white boy, who apparently kept a “hit list” and a “rape list” in high school, just like every other average all-American boy who should definitely be allowed to purchase firearms. But to tomorrow's would-be mass shooters I say: fear not, the Republican Party is as devoted as ever to preserving YOUR right to slaughter as many people as you can before the cops show up.
The GOP playbook is the same as it's always been, after decades of these completely preventable, utterly unnecessary, tragedies; dissemble, whine, and hide until the rage subsides. Once it does, go right back to the very same fear-mongering that inspires this shit in the first place. For the Republican Party, the problem today isn't about the tragic loss of human lives, it's about adjusting the volume knob on the propaganda machine for a few days.
Let's cut through the crap, shall we?
They try to blame video games. The data here is clear, and it screams BULLSHIT.
They try to blame mental illness. The data here is clear, and it screams BULLSHIT.
And yeah, listening to horseshit deflections about mental illness from the very rectal boil who signed a bill reversing an Obama-era regulation designed to make it harder for people with mental illnesses to get ahold of guns is right at the top of the list of Shit I'm Not Having Today.
Meanwhile, it was House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy who trotted out that tired old video games routine, like a flea circus in an outhouse. Kevin, bro, you're like the human appendix, you have two settings; completely useless or life-threatening.
Anyway, these devious little shitstains aren't as dumb as they want us to think they are; they know full goddamn well this isn't about Call of Fucking Duty, they just need an almost-plausible excuse to help them navigate an awkward television interview or two in between the latest massacre and the next NRA fundraiser. That's the nasty truth here; they don't want to solve the problem.
Let me say that again.
They don't want to solve the problem.
All available data, from all over the world, tells us gun control works. But the Republican Party wants to sell more guns, not less. And they want to so much that they'll swim through an ocean of American blood before asking the gun lobby to concede a single inch.
And so they offer the customary thoughts and prayers, as though we're not onto hollowness of that particular scam. Kids, you make a mockery of the very concept of rational thought, and that you have the audacity to invoke prayer is blasphemy that makes Lucifer blush. Take your thoughts and your prayers and shove them up your ass; in fact, propel them backwards through your entire digestive system till they rocket back out of your mewling coward's mouths.
Of course, I'm always amazed at the way Hairplug Himmler responds to the violence he causes. The bar is so low; we know he's a sociopath, we know he's a white supremacist, we expect atrocity from his every word, but like the Thomas Edison of hate, he keeps discovering innovative new ways to tear this country apart.
Like, imagine if George W. Bush had reacted to 9/11 by telling America “Maybe this bin Laden fellah went a smidge too far, but we really oughta listen to some of what he's sayin’!” Because that's exactly what this stool sample of a man did, regurgitating his old attacks on the media, using the very same rhetoric about “fake news” found in the terrorist's manifesto, even as some of his hospitalized victims struggled through the last hours of their lives.
Even after this rhetoric previously incited another American terrorist to mail 16 bombs to those he perceived as his Turd Emperor's enemies. Even after the Capitol Gazette shooting.
He knows his words inspire terrorists to kill, and he
Still
Won't
Stop.
And folks, I don't know if there's been a more perfect encapsulation of our sociopath president's attitude towards gun violence than his inability to even retain the name of the grieving community long enough to muddle through a brief, painfully insincere, TelePrompTer speech. “Toledo, Dayton, alive, slaughtered-like-cattle-in-a-hail-of-gunfire, who gives a shit, I'd rather be watching TV, and in fact fuck you for making me give this speech.”
P.S., the usual suspects in the pundit class giddily praised this “change in tone,” (from the terrifying environment of the regularly-held Klan rallies that are now a fact of life in our country, I guess) delighted at the opportunity to be seen publicly taking Trump’s side, a welcome offering to the God of Bothsidesism*, all because he managed to read a few words off a screen without giving in to the urge to thank the terrorist for his help, live on national television.
The senile old jackass couldn't even fake somber self-reflection for an hour or two over the weekend. He went golfing. Promoted a UFC fight. Trotted out his emptiest shit-eating grin to pose for photos at a wedding at his tacky New Jersey golf resort. If he has any emotional response at all to these tragedies, it's irritation and self-pity that he has to tone down the hate speech for a week or two.
Plus, ever on the lookout for new opportunities to Make American White Again, the Shart of the Deal shrewdly offered to swap mild gun control measures for the chance to check a few items off the Bannon/Miller white nationalist “immigration reform” Xmas list. “Look, me and the terrorist want the exact same thing; placate us and we'll let you have your precious background checks” may seem like an absolutely psychotic position to take, but you have to expect this sort of thing when you elect the worst person in the world.
You may have heard a little rumor, that President Ostomy Bag removed a bunch of tweets using the dehumanizing “ migrant invasion” rhetoric from his timeline. Nope, even that minuscule gesture towards basic decency is too much to ask of him.
Look at the re-election ads these monstrous bastards run on Facebook; invasion, invasion, invasion...like, I understand that after two and half years of non-stop failure, running on your record is not a viable option. But maybe you should just take the L, rather than trying to start a motherfucking race war, huh?
Is it really too much to ask for a little shame from the White House staff? Can't we get one grudging acknowledgement that “hey, we've taken this too far,” or are all y’all too busy doing Jell-O shots in Stephen Miller's office to celebrate a job well done? Will there be not one single principled resignation? One Undersecretary in Charge of Spell-Checking Highway Signs? The intern who has to pick the onions out of Steve Mnuchin's lunch salad?
Of course not. It's no longer reasonable to expect the slightest bit of courage or morality from Republicans. Because if they have to stand on a few new gravestones to pull those last few hard-to-reach judicial appointments off the top shelf, understand they will do so without a moment's hesitation.
There is such thunderous silence from the institutional GOP that a six-tweet thread from a Nebraska state Senator named John McCollister, condemning his party's shameful complicity, made national news. Now John, I appreciate it, but the truth is you're way late, this assignment was due immediately after the Charlottesville “very fine people on both sides” speech. For the rest of your misbegotten party, I know y’all have long since covered every mirror in your homes with duct tape because you can't stand the sight of yourselves, but please understand that we, the American people, have noticed your cowardice and your complicity, and we are sick to fucking death of it.
On the other hand, you have Ohio state rep Candice Keller, who blamed the shootings on basically the entire demented list of personal grievances dictated to her by the maggots gnawing on her misfiring, indoctrinated, little brain. How convenient. Y'know, maybe I should get in on this game. “Mass shootings occur because Target always runs out of those strawberry-flavored marshmallows I like, and because of the bar at the end of my street that blasts Love Shack at unacceptable volumes after midnight,” that's just what I think and you can't tell me any different.
All you fake-ass evangelicals better hope with all your black, bought-and-paid-for hearts that you're wrong about this “God” thing, because when you show up at the pearly gates, caked from head to toe in the blood of children, begging to be judged by your words rather than your actions, the angels are gonna rupture their guts laughing at you.
Mitch McConnell, you walking, talking, structural flaw in the Constitution, you sneering troll, stumbling drunk on power for its own sake, we will see your legacy written in bloody liquid shit, which you so richly deserve. PASS THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE GUN CONTROL BILLS, YOU SHIT. Just this once, acknowledge that maybe our lives matter more than your partisan scorekeeping.
While we're talking about him, Moscow Mitch, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a human being in possession of a thimbleful of decency, thought this was an appropriate moment in time to tweet out an image depicting the tombstone of his likely Democratic opponent in 2020, Amy McGrath. Oh and the young men of “Team Mitch” are already absorbing his lessons on just how fucking amusing violence against your female political opponents can be.
Now, I don't expect anything as silly as “observable real-world evidence” to interfere with the macho cowboy fantasies of the gun-humper crowd, but the Dayton shooter was killed by police, who happened to be patrolling nearby, within 30 seconds of his first shot. In those 30 seconds, he fired off 41 rounds, shooting 14 people, killing 9 of them. That is, again, in probably the best-possible-case scenario, Good Guy With a Gun-wise. Nine deaths.
Must we continue to allow gun policy to be set by fuckwits who don't understand that the reason John Wayne never missed and never got shot was because he was working off a goddamn script? Because that's how we end up with an angry incel, armed with a .223-caliber high-capacity rifle with 100-round drum magazines, killing everyone in sight just because he fucking felt like it. 100 rounds, have you seen this beast? There is no earthly purpose for that product beyond the mass slaughter of human beings. And if you think there's some sort of “right” to own such obscenities, kindly slap my Constitution out of your filthy mouth.
You probably get the impression after all this ranting and raving that I'm angry about this, and I suppose I am. But one thing I am not is hopeless; we have the NRA crowd on the run. Last fall, we chased those craven sycophants out of office all over this country, in districts where they've long felt untouchable. And we will build on that progress next year. The tide has turned on this shit; it's time for the bloodthirsty death merchants to fear US for a change.
To all the shitty little white supremacist dorks, cheering on the bloodshed from your mom's basement, take a quick look around your life; you're all still losers, yeah? Thought so. You chant “you will not replace us?” What the fuck do you imagine you have to offer that's worth replacing?
And to the Republican Party that has worked so diligently to nurture this epidemic of racist violence, I say: this blood is on your hands and we will move heaven and hell to hold you accountable.
Yes, I know you come to this blog expecting poop jokes a news roundup, and God knows, there's plenty of the usual day-to-day insanity, including the latest episode of Donnie Dotard's Dumbfuck Trade War Blows Up the Economy, but we'll get caught up later this week. My apologies.
In the meantime, plenty of great organizations could use your help tonight. Everytown/Moms Demand Action and SPLC are two of my favorites.
Stay safe out there, Resisters.
PS, as I was working up tonight's piece, additional information broke about the absolute scumfuck who carried out the shooting in Dayton. It's...pretty fucking disturbing, and honestly, don't click on the article unless you can't live without knowing about the “Pornogrind” scene. I was certainly a lot happier before I did.
*Basically Chuck Todd with ram's horns
McConnell Mightily Miffed at "Moscow Mitch" Moniker, and Mother Mnews (Ferret/Shower Cap)
How are you tonight, friends? Me, I'm good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It's CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let's get on with the roundup.
(And yes, you can find this post, with all those nifty links, at: http://showercapblog.com/mcconnell-mightily-miffed-at-moscow-mitch-moniker-and-mother-mnews/)
I think I'm gonna just cut and paste a sentence like “President Crotchrot is still screeching like weasel in a blender at Elijah Cummings and Baltimore, because I guess he thinks 2020 exit polls will reveal voters’ #1 issue to be All-Consuming Hatred of This One Particular Black Man,” just to save time.
Presumably this All Elijah, All the Time "strategy" (look, this is what working class voters in the Rust Belt want) is what led to the President of the United States enjoying a snickering little gloat that Cummings’ house got broken into. In other news, the word “presidential” no longer exists.
Ben Carson went to Baltimore to tell everybody there how totally great and right Shart Garfunkel is for repeatedly shitting on their city, but when he tried to host a little press conference in Morning Star Baptist Church of Christ's parking lot, he got kicked out, on account of their “No Dickbag Sycophants Pimping White Supremacist Hate-Mongers on Church Grounds” rule. They were using that lot to store grain, Dr. Ben!
You're never gonna believe this, but it turns out the overwhelming majority of that $16 billion farmer bribe bailout we the people get to pay for will benefit the already-wealthy. A rare outlier from the dedicated populist who gave the megarich an enormous tax cut at the expense of the rest of us, tried to steal health care from millions in order to further enrich the GOP donor class, and merrily spends his Rube Army's campaign donations on personal legal fees.
Some day the poets will sing odes on the Rise and Fall of John Ratcliffe, who journeyed from Generic Replacement Level Angry White Republican Guy to nominee for Director of National Intelligence to Discarded Used Condom Found on a Public Playground in just one short week. Turns out Johnboy “inflated his resume” a smidge, and he's not actually the terrorist-fightin' immigrant-deportin’, superman he portrays in chatrooms, and, ahem, political campaigns. I bet he didn't really kill Voldemort, either.
A group of Republicans, including Deposed Koch Brothers Finger Puppet Scott Walker, are suing to overturn an anti-gerrymandering measure in Michigan. The measure passed with overwhelming popular support, presumably because Michiganders wanted the right to actually choose their own leaders, but nothing terrifies the GOP more than free and fair elections. Reached for comment, Walker snarled, “If we cared what the people wanted, we'd be fucking Democrats, wouldn't we?”
According to the ACLU, the Turdmaggot Administration has separated more than 900 migrant children from their parents at the border since being ordered by a federal judge to stop fucking doing that abominable shit. Horror aside, as much as it pains me to admit this, I think we've lost the coveted “delights in the suffering of children” vote for 2020. We'll just have settle for jobs, health care, anti-corruption, and BASIC FUCKING HUMAN DECENCY.
Here's another earth-shaking surprise to blow your fucking mind: despite the undisputed fact that the GOP's racism problem appeared, spontaneously, with no prior warning whatsoever, at some point during 2016, it turns out Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon were secretly incredibly racist. Anyway, print that article out, so the next time your favorite NeverTrumper wails “this is not the Republican Party I know!” you can roll it up like a newspaper and smack him in the nose with it.
Here's some welcome news: it ain't Wabbit Season, it ain't Duck Season, it's GOP HOUSE RETIREMENT SEASON! I guess it's no fun in the minority, especially now that you can't even enjoy the locker room talk anymore since Jim Jordan ruined it. Most of the retirees are in safe seats (so far) but we're already measuring the drapes in Will Hurd's office. Assuming he has drapes. Look, I sent an intern over with measuring tape, and he's gonna feel really fucking stupid if there are no drapes, but that's his problem, and it's certainly no excuse if he forgets to pick up that six pack I asked for on the way back.
Because I have made the questionable decision to keep up this blog, it is my distinct displeasure to inform you that, how shall I put this, that “Jeffrey Epstein Hoped to Seed the Human Race With His DNA.” He wanted to impregnate up to twenty women at a time at his New Mexico ranch. He wanted a JEFFREY EPSTEIN FARM. Had I known about this story in advance, I'd have had ShowerCap-branded barf bags available for sale, and I'd put a link right here and I'd have made a goddamn fortune.
I suppose the goods news is Epstein was not successful in this endeavor. I mean, we totally fuckin’ dodged that one, right? Ten thousand things have gone catastrophically wrong these last three years, but at least we don't have an army of young Jeffrey Epstein saplings to fend off.
James Comey will not be prosecuted for whatever dumb thing the Gohmert crowd hoped he might be prosecuted for. This seems like good news on the surface, but I don't know how comfortable I feel with Jazzy Jim roaming around free; he already single-handed fucked up the entire course of human history once.
Wisconsin Republicans are taking a principled stand against...allowing a partially paralyzed Democratic Representative to phone into committee meetings. Anyway, I'm writing a screenplay based on Robin Vos and co., titled JAG STORY, with the tagline “Being Republican means never having to say you're sorry...for being a festering bag of amputated warthog buttholes.”
Freshman Republican Congresscreep Denver Riggleman has earned the ire of party officials back home is his district for the unforgivable sin of officiating a same-sex wedding. Now, Denver is a legit right-wing nutjob, a true believer who actually auditioned to join the Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus in the very wave election that destroyed their majority, but members of his party want to excommunicate him because he's insufficiently hateful. And yet they become capillary-poppingly FURIOUS when you call them bigots.
Word on the street is, Mitch McConnell is none too fond of his new “Moscow Mitch” nickname. He hates the merchandise Kentucky Dems are selling, he hates Ben Folds’ new song, and when we take back the Senate, flip him over on his back, tattoo “Property of Vlad Putin” on his soft underbelly, and make him flail ineffectually in the minority while we methodically undo his life's work, he's REALLY gonna be pissed.
Anyway you guys, it's not fair to call him “Moscow Mitch!” It's not like a couple of his ex-staffers are lobbying for a Russian-backed aluminum mill in Kentucky that's TOTALLY NOT A PAYOFF FOR SERVICES RENDERED. (The joke here is that this is, in fact, exactly what's happening. Get it? GET IT?)
The Federal Reserve cut interest rates, but not enough to placate the Manchurian Manchild, who whined “(Chairman Jerome)* Powell let us down,” because he wanted the Fed to “Push the Magic Economy Button so I can keep rage-tweeting at black people all day long.” Look, we all understand how hard it is to get re-elected when you keep fucking the economy up on purpose, but maybe you should've thought of that before you spent 73 years on Earth without taking your fucking brain out of the factory packaging.
An enterprising young firearms merchant in North Carolina hit upon the Mad-Men-for-white-nationalists idea of advertising his lil' shop using photographs of the four Congressional Freshwomen-of-color known as The Squad, because wink wink don't you just wanna murder them for replacing you and whatnot. Said merchant, enjoying the wave of ensuing attention like a child, grinning after pissing on the living room sofa, thoughtfully opined, “I also feel a couple of them, being Muslim, have ties to actual terrorists groups.” Now, that dude is 100% voting next year. Are you?
President Valor Thief, in a deeply strange act of pissant micromanagement, ordered the Navy to rescind decorations bestowed on the prosecutors in the trial of his favorite pet war criminal, Edward Gallagher. Further demonstrating his level of respect for Americans in uniform, he's trying to divert money from military retirement programs to fund his unconstitutional attempt to use emergency powers to build his big stupid wall. Surely, his spot on Mount Rushmore is assured now.
And now Minivan Dad Brownshirt Cory Lewandowski is fantasizing about a Senate run in New Hampshire? I dunno, I don't think “I barely avoided charges even though I was caught on camera assaulting a female reporter” is gonna fit on a shitty, made-in-China, ballcap, so I think you're fucked, son.
Ridiculous Stooge But Not the Funny Kind Lindsey Graham, hard at work on the issues that matter most to working Americans, pushed a bill designed to raise the number of days a migrant child can be held in detention, from 20 to 100, because let's face it, America will never be great until we maximize our potential to inflict lifelong trauma on brown kids. Anyway, congratulations Senator, on getting your picture in the dictionary next to “Banality of Evil.”
Figuring it'd been awhile since he last crotch-stomped his own country's economy, the Bonespur Buttplug announced another round of China tariffs, which tanked the stock market AGAIN, like it does every single time he pulls this stuff, and I don't want to seem partisan but the next President should be CAPABLE OF LEARNING. And the dumb motherfucker still thinks China pays this shit. It's like watching a bird fly face first into the same plate glass door, over and over again.
And President Ostomy Bag continues his desperate, wishful, gaslighting on Russian election interference. "Oh you don't really believe this. Do you believe this?” he said, in response to a reporter bringing up his Supervillain Team-Up partner, no doubt imagining himself to be very clever indeed. Imagine FDR addressing the country after Pearl Harbor, acting like the very notion that Japan was waging war on us was sort of whimsically silly. Now imagine every elected member of his party silently enabling him. Yeah, things sure are wacky, here in Shitty Wonderland.
Oh, and Weehands McNodick held another loser hate rally, in Ohio or Narnia or someplace, who gives a fuck. There was, of course, the usual cavalcade of lies, but in his defense, he can't really run for re-election on his record. Cult45ers on the scene reported that they're “tired of being called racists,” which like a pineapple saying “I am tired of being called a pineapple.” For what it's worth, deplorables, we are infinitely more sick of you.
One little Shartkin was also apparently tired of not being in jail, so he assaulted a protester twice his age, like a real tough guy. Again, an underrated obstacle to Donnie Dotard's re-election chances will be the sheer number of his supporters who will be incarcerated by November, 2020.
One of Mike Pompeo's sidekicks got fired over her “abusive management style,” which apparently included some liberally-applied office hate speech, which you'd think would be grounds for promotion in the current administration. Anyway, the entire government is now being run by Mick Mulvaney, Stephen Miller, and Eric Trump's troll doll collection.
Okay, I couldn't possibly stand one more second of politics this week. With two debates, I'm about to pop like the gluttony dude in SE7EN. Shutting my brain down for the weekend, folks, I'll see y’all soon. Let me leave you with Jake Tapper who has some disturbing/oddly comforting news.
*I think this is the first time I've used parentheses like this in the blog and it makes me feel very fancy indeed.
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