TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalMaybe Letting the White Supremacists Decide Who Gets to Vote Isn't the Best Idea (F/SC)
Well, potty-mouthed masked bloggers aren’t quite eligible for vaccination in my neck of the woods yet, so I’m still trapped inside with nothin’ but the news to keep me company. Short version: the racist shitweasels recently removed from power for being racist shitweasels have decided that their best path forward is to simply eliminate any non-racist/non-shitweasel citizens from the pool of eligible voters, so I hope you haven’t put your fascist-stompin’ boots in storage just yet.
(As always, pretty shiny new links here: http://showercapblog.com/maybe-letting-the-white-supremacists-decide-who-gets-to-vote-isnt-the-best-idea/)
Trump Spokesjag/Ruptured Anal Fistula Jason Miller claims his loser boss is looking to start his very own social media platform, which will totally work out better than the casinos and the airline and the university and the charitable foundation and the steaks and the vodka and the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula and the hydroxychloroquine and the rectal bleach injections, promise.
It’s actually gonna be pretty great to just kick back and enjoy watching history’s single least competent human being fail, now that we don’t have to worry about hundreds of thousands of people paying for his malignant bungling with their lives.
Coming in 2022 from Disney+: Marvel’s OILY SCUMFUCK TEAM-UP! Multi-shirt-clad grease can Steve Bannon apparently hopes to ride disgraced sexual torture aficionado Eric Greitens back to political relevance, I guess because Jeffrey Epstein was busy. They’re going to have serious trouble staffing that campaign, since anyone who walks into any room containing those two gurgling fountains of vileness instantaneously develops bubonic plague, irritable bowel syndrome, and leprosy, all at once. There is no mask thick enough.
Five years ago, I would’ve laughed my ass off that anyone would waste good money attempting to rehabilitate a scandal-wrecked trashpile like Greitens, but having lived through the Turd Reich, I understand now that shitty people capable of profoundly immoral acts are precisely the type of folks the seething, grievance-fueled Republican base wants in charge*.
Now that the shiny new Senate Democratic majority has had its first sweet, stimulating taste of accomplishing positive change for the American people, they’ve gone absolutely apeshit over the stuff, aggressively pursuing their ridiculously ambitious and equally popular agenda like a ravenous mob of progress-crazed legislation junkies. Anybody out there still think Biden and Schumer are essentially Diet Republicans? Bueller?
Senate Republicans are right where they deserve to be, the collaborating bastards: sweating under the hot lights, defending the weak-ass excuses they make for their ruthless obstruction of the people’s will. Come to think of it, why DO they oppose all this good, good stuff, which the public clearly wants? Ask one, and they’ll bloviate for hours about their vaguely-defined values, but everyone understands the real answer is simply, “well, sure, but remember, we’re paid to protect institutional white supremacy.”
However, if you use your Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder ring, you can see right through the bullshit. For example, when Georgia Congresscreep Jody Hice says Washington, D.C. can’t be a state because it lacks a car dealership, (even this meaningless detail is a lie, by the way, because fucking of course it is) what he MEANS is, “There is no goddamn way we’re giving two Senators to a community with that many Black people; shit, you’re lucky we don’t try to carve out six or seven additional Dakotas.”
Another huge legislative battleground these days is, of course, voting rights. Dems want to pass their For the People Act, to protect and expand voting rights for all Americans, while Republicans, understandably, realize such a bill would bring about a degree of accountability that would force them to abandon their unpopular It is of Vital Strategic Importance to Further Enrich the Koch Family platform.
Mitch McConnell even tried his hand, er, flipper at Big Lie-telling, shamelessly insisting, “states are not engaging in trying to suppress voters whatsoever,” even as Republican legislatures across the country have introduced more than 250 new voter suppression measures, everything short of “y’think we could get away with nuking polling places in minority neighborhoods from space?”
Yertle’s feeble gaslighting feels especially sinister during a week when Brian Kemp, abusing the powers of the Georgia governorship he stole using every dirty vote suppression tactic in the book, signed the Jim Crow Snyder Cut into law. It’s the most sickeningly anti-American thing I’ve seen since...ok, January 6th wasn’t that long ago, but you get my point.
It’s now a crime in Georgia to give water to an American citizen waiting hours in line to vote, yes, the very line the state has done absolutely everything within its awesome power to lengthen, well, at least in the precincts where THOSE PEOPLE live. That’s the kind of brazenness a 6-3 Supreme Court majority buys ya.
Of course, no fascistic signing ceremony is complete without the spectacle of armed thugs, clad in the uniform of the state, dragging a Black lawmaker (state Rep. Park Cannon) away in handcuffs for the high crime of knocking on Kemp’s office door, a nifty bit of jackbooted authoritarian theatre sure to delight the increasingly radicalized Republican base.
We’re talking about gun control, too, because fools that we are, we forgot to plan for the immediate resumption of mass shootings that would inevitably accompany any successful nationwide vaccination program; heaven forbid we use a year of traumatic isolation to learn to live alongside our neighbors in harmony.
Gun control is one of those issues where you really want a country where none of the major political parties is a death cult, ideally, but it seems that ship has sailed. The Republican position is fierce, almost religious determination to arm every single future would-be murderer, whether they intend to target dozens of strangers in a crowded public space, or just one special romantic partner, because the Constitution clearly states the Congress shall make no law infringing upon the whims of any rage-warped, pencil-dicked dude who has taken it upon himself to cut short some human life.
Ted Cruz, clearly rejuvenated from his luxuriant Cancún getaway, snarled condescendingly through all the well-worn talking points, deriding as “ridiculous theatre” the attempts of his non-ghoul colleagues to curtail the senseless slaughter his bought-and-paid-for caucus unleashes on the American public at the behest of his gun lobbyist masters. Say what you will about Cruz, even after four years of vigorously licking Donald Trump’s boots, he still fellates Wayne LaPierre’s donor-funded Santonis with the enthusiasm of an intern on his very first day.
I see Tedward has some anaphrodisiac new merch for sale, and while I understand we’re in for a few years of cringe-inducing Trump impersonations from the 2024 GOP presidential field, one thing I can tell you right now is you can’t build a cult of personality around a personality as inescapably loathsome as the one perched behind Rafael Edward Cruz’s shitty, shitty beard. Cannot be done. That said, watching the most punchable lump of undiluted pomposity walking God’s green Earth attempt to inspire adoration looks to be a source of regular diversion.
Now, the Biden/Harris Administration has, to date, been a machine that keeps promises and exceeds expectations, wasting little time in rolling out the stimulus measures enacted under the American Rescue Plan, (got my check; the beer fridge is sufficiently stocked to ride out the weekend, anyway) and straight-up doubling their initial First 100 Days™️ vaccination goal. The contrast with the previous regime’s Whine All the Time While Thousands Die Daily record is...stark.
So naturally, Republicans are desperate to change the subject. They spun the Wingnut Distraction Wheel, which landed on “racist fear-mongering,” probably because every space on the Wingnut Distraction Wheel says “racist fear-mongering.” Anyway, they’re doing their damnedest to create the impression of some sort of border immigration crisis where none exists, because you have that kind of spare time once you formally rule out working on your constituents’ behalf.
You may recall this tactic from the LOCK YOUR DOORS SWEET JESUS IT’S A MIGRANT CARAVAN freakout preceding the 2018 midterms. On the other hand, you may not recall it, on account of the way it failed so spectacularly back then; and I mean FAILED, like not just Ted Cruz’s beard, but the mutant offspring of Ted Cruz’s beard and Donald Trump Jr.’s beard, a hypothetical anti-beard so shabby and sad, to look directly upon it would be to go mad.
Our old chum, vanquished insurrectionist Sidney Powell, like many a conservative rat corned by the law before her, took trembling refuge behind the C’mon Judge, You’d Have to be a Meth-Addled Fuckwit to Believe One Word of the Batshit Insane Garbage That Drops, Turd-Like, From My Lying Mouth defense, and she’s certainly not wrong. Trouble is, there’re a few more meth-addled fuckwits, willing to blindly swallow whatever batshit insane garbage that drops, turd-like, from the obviously lying mouths of known con artists than we initially thought. A few tens of millions more, actually.
I see the Hairplug That Ate Decency summoned four would-be Ohio Senators down to Marm-A-Lago for a rousing round of competitive groveling, because the endorsement of an electorally humiliated fascist lacking the mental capacities necessary to successfully close an umbrella is a desirable thing in 2021’s supremely healthy Republican Party.
Wait till you see the obstacle course, campers. You know that thing where the dealership gives a car away to whoever’s able to keep a hand on it the longest? It’s like that, only with suckling the open sores on Donald Trump’s carbuncled orange ass. Have fun with this life you’ve chosen for yourselves.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels phoned into Laura Ingraham’s White Grievance Variety Sho to insist the lynch mob he whipped into a frenzy on January 6th was “zero threat,” which I suppose is more or less true, give or take 140 law enforcement casualties and 5 corpses.
But even Axis Sally shut the Deposed, Diminished Dotard down when he tried to bust out the ol’ Big Lie, probably because she’s worried that once all these voting machine company defamation lawsuits are done with Fux Nooz, they’ll need to seize that autographed copy of Mein Kampf Rupert Murdoch got her last Xmas to cover the damages.
Dear lord, that’s more than enough for one week. Take care of yourselves out there, my friends, and may all your breakfast cereals remain generally shrimp-free.
*Because they’re Nazis, you see.
I Wonder If the Party Made Entirely of Hate-Mongers Has Anything To Do With All These Hate Crimes
Y’know, the new normal may not provide quite as much blog fodder, but it sure is easier on the ol’ mental health. The news cycle is all Democrats helping people, people lovin’ it, and Republicans freaking the fuck out because folks seem to prefer progressive policy to Blind Obedience to the Screeching Reality TV Man, which was, you’ll recall, their most recent official party platform. So grab a beer, let’s watch the bastards squirm...
(As ever, if you want links n’ shit, click here: http://showercapblog.com/gosh-i-wonder-if-the-party-made-entirely-of-hate-mongers-has-anything-to-do-with-all-these-hate-crimes/)
More than any other prominent wingnut, Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson has gone Full White Nationalist, unapologetically spreading Tangerine Idi Amin’s fascist Big Lie at every opportunity, and keeping the flame of Trumpist gaslighting ablaze as only the Dumbest Man in the Senate™️ can.
RoJo, bless his drool-sodden heart, doesn’t understand why folks’re mad at him for suggesting the January 6th rioters were cuddly, peaceful patriots who luv n’ respect law enforcement super hard, an affection expressed with bear spray and blunt weaponry, apparently. Not at all like those Black Lives Matter protesters, with their demands for equality and scary non-white skin.
Oddly, law enforcement doesn’t appear to share Ron-Ron’s rosy view of the brownshirt ragewad that injured 140 officers that day, possibly because they’re too busy throwing the perpetrators in jail. From Proud Boys facing conspiracy charges to a literal Hitler lookalike, I don’t think MAGA nation sent their best to the Capitol riot; oh wait, they totally did, didn’t they?
Marjorie Taylor Greene has apparently declined to spend any of the free time that opened up when she was stripped of her committee assignments in the library, otherwise she might not have assailed Guam, a U.S. territory, as a dastardly foreign foe of Real Murica, although upon reflection, she’s hardly the type to let such details diminish her boundless, ravenous hatred.
When Guam’s non-voting congressional representative swung by her office with cookies and members of the Guam National Guard, who risk their lives protecting the nation Marjorie works so diligently to destroy, she fell back on the bleating victimhood which is all she’s ever had to offer, and all the Republican base seems to want from their elected representatives. Perhaps going forward, “troll collective” would be a better descriptor for this gaggle of mewling buttholes than “political party.”
Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell has become quite irate at all this talk of abolishing, or even reforming the filibuster, because he’s not about to let something as silly and inconsequential as “the will of the electorate” interfere with his sacred right to prevent Democrats from cleaning up his murderously incompetent party’s messes. So he threw a tiny terrapin tantrum, threatening to inflict even more suffering on the American people than the last time his party got fired for fucking up more or less everything.
Poor Yertle. He’s never understood the way the nation’s political dynamics shifted during the Turd Reich. He doesn’t get that people take the responsibilities of citizenship more seriously now, that we’re paying attention to his procedural shenanigans, and learning how to fight them. Nor does he grok that there’s no constituency whatsoever for the politics of austerity; just because his own voters can be placated with a steady stream of nasty tweets doesn’t mean they’ll submissively line up behind the Senate millionaire’s club as they cut their own taxes over and over again.
Well, fuck him and his obsolete obstruction playbook. I say flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his contemptible life’s work.
A newly declassified report from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence says Vladimir Putin once again interfered in our election on behalf of a certain semi-sentient mound of lemur poo, and honestly, I get that. If you’d invested four years in training your own personal pet President to crap all over his own country’s strategic interests, you’d want him to stick around a bit longer, too; NATO ain’t gonna destroy itself from within, y’know.
Smilin’ Joe Biden seems disinclined to be so forgiving, however. Frankly, from Vlad’s perspective, he’s more of a Sternly Scowlin’ Joe Biden. A Fuck Around and Find Out Joe Biden. Ol’ Pooty, backed into a corner and short on tools, actually challenged Joe to a debate, and let me just say, if you’re reduced to such sad sack Ben Shapiro-esque tactics, I think you can safely rule out a return to superpower status, kiddo.
Once again, a shitty white dude decided he had the right to senselessly end a bunch of human lives, and, with a helpful assist from Georgia’s NRA-approved gun laws, moved effortlessly from instantaneous, background-check-free firearm purchase to mass murder spree with nary an obstruction, killing eight, including six women of Asian descent, the latest and most tragic in a surging series of hate crimes targeting the AAPI community, fueled by the racist rhetoric of right-wing politicians and media figures.
Texas Congressjag/Ted Cruz protégé Chip Roy figured a hearing on violence against Asian-Americans was the ideal forum to spout “Y’know what we need more of? LYNCHINGS!” and while I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect good judgment from a grown man who refers to himself as “Chip,” I would also like to suggest that no, extrajudicial mob killings are not the appropriate response here. Or ANYWHERE, Chip, you lizard-brained dolt.
Speaking of dipshit Republicans flaunting their ignorance like a chestful of combat medals, Rand Paul picked another fight with Dr. Fauci, citing Paul’s First Law of Highfalutin So-Called “Science,” which states any scientific conclusion, principle, or law can be overruled by an angry white dude with no relevant expertise, provided he bellows loudly enough. Honestly, Rand seems to get off on humiliating himself in public, and I don’t think we should kink shame him.
I see the Deposed, Diminished Dotard phoned in to Fux Nooz to kvetch and moan that the Supreme Court lacked the “courage” to overturn the 2020 election on the say-so of the maggots devouring Sidney Powell’s brain. I dunno about y’all, but I’m really enjoying the hell out of the speed at which he’s shrinking into virtual non-existence.
The American right remains utterly confounded by Wet-Ass Pussy, with Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s performance at the Grammys serving as a grim reminder of the strained dissatisfaction permeating conservative bedrooms from sea to shining sea. Candace Owens went on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour to share a meltdown over the scandalous suggestion that women are allowed to enjoy sex and also Dr. Seuss Potato Head Cancel Culture Blah Blah Blah Blah I’d say “wake me up when these clowns are done whining,” but that would require cryogenics.
The Tennessee Historical Commission voted to remove a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest from the State Capitol, on account of the way he founded the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot, so state Republicans immediately crafted legislation to fire and replace the entire commission, because once you start eliminating the symbols of institutional white supremacy, it’s only a matter of time before the citizenry starts to demand better representatives than the subpar bigots currently squatting in our legislatures.
Rough times all around for monuments to loser fuckwad hate-mongers, as a Texas wax museum was forced to relocate their statue of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops to storage, because visitors kept punching it. I know you’d expect this news to delight me, but the truth is, I’m disappointed and saddened, that in these divisive times, Americans would desecrate the image of a man who was, for good or ill, our nation’s 45th President...without having the basic decency to inform me of the opportunity to join the fun. Shame on you.
A dozen Republicans actually had the fucking gall to vote against a resolution honoring the law enforcement officers who risked, and in three cases gave their lives protecting members of Congress from the lynch mob made up of their party’s most fervent supporters. The ringleader of this shitty little cabal, Louie Gohmert, was upset, you see, because the language of the resolution was too mean to the terrorists. True story.
The rest of the Fifth Columnist Caucus, for the curious: Matt Gaetz, Thomas Massie, Andy Biggs, Andy Harris, Lance Gooden, Michael Cloud, Andrew Clyde, Greg Steube, Bob Good, John Rose, and, of course, Marjorie Taylor Guam. I mention their names because these enemies of freedom will be in the majority in a couple of years if you don’t VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
An even larger clump of House Republicans opposed the renewal of the Violence Against Women Act, on the grounds that it would infringe upon the god-given right of convicted stalkers to purchase firearms. I figure during freshmen orientation, Kevin McCarthy must pass out some sort of of How to Expunge Your Sense of Shame handbook, co-authored by Newt Gingrich and Denny Hastert...or maybe the RNC just screens candidates for sociopathy in advance?
Seems you can kick the superspreader out of the White House, but can’t make him take the simple, widely-understood steps necessary to contain the coronavirus. What I’m saying is, there’s a fresh new COVID-19 outbreak down at Marm-a-Lago, which has partially shut down as a result. I bet we’ll be a decade into herd immunity, and this cud-brained fuckwit will still somehow manage to cause one last flare-up, in his federal penitentiary cell block.
While Republicans grouse and throw fits and tie themselves in knots seeking to placate the dumb and hateful, Democrats are busy getting shots in arms and money in pockets. The polling is playing out exactly how you’d expect, but if the GOP insists on tripling down on their weak attempts to mimic their Turd Emperor’s manic culture war blubbering, I for one have no intention of interrupting them.
Wow, what a light week! There were several afternoons in 2020 that contained more madness, and I don’t care how much it bores Ted Cruz, I absolutely adore this shit. Now I’m gonna go enjoy a beer or three, not because I need ‘em to cope with the inescapable oppressiveness of life under a would-be autocrat, but just cuz I feel like it. Stay safe out there, Shower Captives...
Joe Biden's Late-Term Abortion of Bipartisanship, & Other Tales of Terror (F/SC)
After a brutal quarantine winter, I’m sure you’ll agree this week’s thaw has been most welcome. Actually, I found something really weird out on the back porch, once all the ice and snow had melted away. I almost didn’t recognize it at first, but I think it’s...whaddya call it...I wanna say, “hope?” Is that a real word? Feels kinda familiar.
(Want bright shiny colors and nifty news links? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/joe-bidens-late-term-abortion-of-bipartisanship-other-tales-of-terror/)
Longtime readers are used to finding bad news in this space, here at the top of the ol’ Shower Cap Blog post, but we’re not doin’ that tonight, because YOUR Democratic Party, the team you fought so long and so hard to install, did a good, good thing. Passed a little stimulus bill, you may’ve heard about it. One point nine trillion dollars’ worth of much-needed relief for our weary nation. $1400 direct payments, already arriving in some bank accounts, snug as a bug in a rug. Obamacare subsidies. Childhood poverty cut in half. A bonafide goody bag for anyone who cares about alleviating human suffering. Naturally, Republicans are furious.
Every congressional Republican, in both houses, opposed the bill, out of a firm ideological commitment to the belief that the millions of Americans who suffered for months under their party’s murderous mismanagement of the pandemic should go fuck themselves with curling irons, eat their weight in buffalo shit, and compose a Shakespearian sonnet thanking Mitch McConnell personally for the privilege. And yet somehow these clods are baffled they’re losing the messaging war.
The bill is so popular, Republicans don’t know whether to shit or go blind. They tried everything in their dirtbag plutocrat playbook. They offered to gut the bill in exchange for votes they’d never actually deliver, that old chestnut. They whinged disingenuously about the deficit. Shit, they even tried rubbing sheep’s blood all over their naked bodies and shrieking about a potato-shaped toy for a week and a half, but alas, it turns out the American people prefer not suffering to suffering, the filthy takers.
Celebrity Medicare fraudster/Florida Senator Rick Scott, bless his pus-pumping, reptilian heart, actually wants state governments to reject and return the aid, and I confess I’d quite like to watch, say, Ron DeSantis run for re-election on a “bravely and principledly refused to allow the fire department to extinguish the blaze consuming your home” platform. I was enjoying a chuckle at how weird and bad and generally anti-life, in a Darkseid kinda way, Rick’s little idea here is, but then I remembered he’s a Senator, and it doesn’t seem so funny now.
‘Course, then there’s Roger Wicker, who didn’t even wait for the peasant blood he dips his old-timey fountain pen in to dry on his Hell No vote before skipping merrily out to take credit for the assistance Mississippi was about to receive in spite of his vociferous opposition. Honestly? I’m so accustomed to Republican shamelessness manifesting as either authoritarian encroachment on constitutional democracy or naked incitement of white supremacist violence that I’m inclined to let Rog off with a rap on the knuckles here, but, y’know...use a ruler, certainly.
So yeah. Great big bill, massive amounts of good achieved, promises kept, overdue relief delivered, so on and so forth. Not that you’d know it, from the response in certain predictable corners of the political media.
Everybody loves the bill, Republicans, Democrats, Independents, because people need the dang help, y’know, and the take is not LYING BIDEN EMPTIES A CLIP INTO BIPARTISANSHIP’S UNSUSPECTING HEAD EXECUTION STYLE, IMMEDIATELY FUCKS ITS SKULL, it’s “the institutional Republican Party, partially out of fealty to shitty economic ideas that have failed more than the Cleveland Browns fused with the Washington Generals like in The Fly and definitely the Cronenberg version by the way; and partially just cuz they’re a death cult now, has decided that after careful consideration, they would honestly prefer not to help the American people during this time of multiple crises, several of which they created with their very own blood-stained hands.”
Democrats wanted to help people, Republicans adamantly refused; what compromise was even possible? “Ok, shave a trillion five off the total plus Tom Cotton gets to strangle a puppy on the Senate floor, and Lisa Murkowski will give you one vote you don’t need?” Just because your party got taken over by a pathological sucker doesn’t mean we’re obliged to pretend we’re idiots.
Anyhow, the GOP got so mad the stupid new government acts like poor people’s lives matter that they stomped back to their state-level parties and got straight to work taking away their constituents’ right to vote.
Obviously, the problem here is that citizens were allowed to fire Republicans JUST BECAUSE they lost control of the coronavirus, killed hundreds of thousands of us, crashed the economy, and stood idly by while a game show host on an Adderall bender attempted to install himself as dictator for life. In fairness, I can see where folks that’re that catastrophically awful at governing would want to remove accountability from the equation, when it comes to the acquisition of power.
In Arizona, introspective Republicans reacted to their recent statewide defeats by offering up a bold new platform to win back voters with popular policies designed to solve problems and improve lives JUST KIDDING they introduced two dozen different bills limiting voting rights. One would almost appreciate the honesty of state Representative John Kavanaugh’s sneering insistence that Dem voters are simply of lower “quality” than Real Muricans like himself, were it not, y’know, brazen white supremacy.
Meanwhile, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds signed the nation’s very first post-2020 voter suppression bill into law, earning first pick at the next RGA shindig, when it comes time to hunt the waitstaff for sport.
Seems even half a million graves aren’t enough to stop wingnut politicians from throwing deranged little mask-burning parties, in Idaho this time, where the loons went so far as to publicly revel in their successful corruption of their poor children’s minds. How are these clowns still throwing this tantrum, after a year of suffering and death? It’s like being a volcano truther when you’re chin-deep in magma.
Aspiring would-be Führer Madison Cawthorn apparently made a video of himself punching the crap out of some dinky, rotting tree, and I encourage y’all to take a second to contemplate the psychology at work there. Seriously. Stop reading, get yourself a fresh beer, and really sit with that shit for a bit. There is no healthy path to the activity captured in that video, and I really don’t think it’s safe to let the same brain that arrives at profoundly creepy decisions like “let’s go on a Hitler vacation” or “now I shall record myself beating up a dead tree” make laws for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the Republican Party finds itself on the brink of open grifter civil war. Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, demonstrating a genuinely impressive ignorance of the country’s laws for a dude who was President for four fucking years, sent a cease-and-desist notice to the RNC, demanding they stop using his loathsome name and pinched-butthole-mouthed likeness in fundraising appeals, because he desperately needs all the change from every sofa cushion and swear jar in MAGA nation just pay his legal bills. Fight forever, you evil fucks.
Roy Blunt became the latest GOP incumbent to proclaim Fuck No I’m Not Sticking Around to Deal With the Consequences of My Craven Appeasement of American Fascism, announcing his imminent resettlement from the United States Senate to history’s dustbin. I’m told Messrs. Blunt, Portman, Shelby, Toomey, and Burr plan to launch a think tank together, the Neville Chamberlain Foundation, to train and advise the next generation of enabling conservative cowards.
He may no longer wield the power of the American presidency, or even his own Twitter account, but the Velveeta Vulgarian remains undiminished in one field, which he is likely to stand astride, a lone Colossus, until the fucking sun goes dark: losing in court. This time it was his campaign’s defamation suit against the Failing New York Times that got thrown out, a reminder that during his time in office, he worked harder to destroy the First Amendment than the coronavirus.
We don’t hear from him much anymore, (I guess even God can’t ignore a prayer when it comes from everyone alive every single day for four years) so it was extra satisfying when Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops popped up just to issue that sad, cringingly desperate statement, attempting to take credit for the Biden Administration’s vaccine successes. Like, I get the blind devotion thing, I just never understood how they made it work with the most pathetic man alive. I guess I always figured those folks who truly desire the rule of a strongman would seek out, I dunno...strength? Obviously pulsating globs of unbridled insecurity are where it’s really at; expect all future cults to be headed by acne-scarred eighth grade boys with braces.
Tucker Carlson, who I’m told is viewed as something of a paragon of masculinity in an alternate dimension where the dominant life form is a race of semi-sentient pork dumplings, threw a screechy little shitfit about how the military is just one big tea party full of sissies n’ cucks on account of the way they let GIRLS in nowadays, and even allow them to boss the menfolk around, in defiance of whatever inbred hillbilly god Tucker erroneously believes anointed him Archbishop of Manhood.
This earned Carlson, Time Magazine’s “Softest Boy Alive” for eleven years running, a series of public rebukes from the sorts of folks who actually risk their lives defending this country while some people stay home, comfortably ordering designer sex dolls with mommy and daddy’s fish stixx money. As an Illinois resident, I was particularly proud of the way my Senator, Purple Heart recipient Tammy Duckworth, stomped all over Liar Tuck’s pompous, sickly ballsack.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels’ own (acting) Defense Secretary, Chris Miller, made the entirely uncontroversial statement that his old boss incited the January 6th Capitol riot, which made headline news, because arguing about whether or not things the whole world witnessed actually happened is something we do now, in our extremely healthy modern society.
Exhausting as all this bullshit is, Biden, Harris, and the rest of the gang just keep on delivering fabulous news and sweet, sexxxxy competence. Now they’re saying vaccines will be available to every American adult by May 1st, and as far as I can tell, nobody’s asked us to inject bleach into a single orifice.
Goods news at the start AND the finish? I better quit before we learn Congressman Gohmert pissed in the vaccine supply, making regressing to Louie’s right-around-armadillo-level IQ the price of immunity. Good luck in the queues, my friends; stay safe out there!
Oh, the Sharts You Can Shart, and Other Cancelled Dr. Seuss Books (F/SC)
Look, I certainly appreciate that the poo-flinging howler monkeys are no longer in charge. And I realize that it is not reasonable at this relatively early point in time to expect a political environment in which zero poo is flung at me by zero howler monkeys, but can we maybe have one week without poo, so we can like, wear our nice clothes for once, and then next week the monkeys can fling twice as much? No? Well I thought I’d ask.
(As ever, if you want the shiny colors and informative news links, get ‘em here: http://showercapblog.com/oh-the-sharts-you-can-shart-and-other-cancelled-dr-seuss-books/)
The feral assclown clambake known as CPAC came and went, headlined by Shart Garfunkel’s grand return to the national stage, during which he was barely capable of stumbling through a feeble teleprompter speech, sleepily working his way through the well-worn Time/Life playlist of his greatest grievance hits, like some sort of bloviating, deposed autocrat version of Rick Springfield, opening for Robert Mugabe on the state fair circuit.
And y’know what? It’s already been forgotten, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot just waddled his powerless, Twitterless (but I repeat myself) ass back down to the golf course. That national anthem defiler made a bigger impression, honestly. But hey, if Lindsey Graham and his crew think there’s nothing more important than genuflecting before this half-flushed bowel evacuation, it just gives the Biden Administration a bigger spotlight to shine on their increasingly effective vaccine rollout, so go hog wild, campers.
Speaking of wild hogs, Paul Gosar swung straight to CPAC from a convention openly and unapologetically espousing white nationalism, without so much as dropping his robe off at the dry cleaners on the way, and not one of his caucusmates could muster even a half-assed “hey, cut that Nazi shit out, Paul” statement.
In fairness, it was difficult to hear the GOP’s Gosar silence over their total absence of condemnation of Madison “Spring Break at Hitler Beach” Cawthorn, following two newly published investigations into his past, which turned up multiple accusations of sexual misconduct on top of a largely fabricated biography.
Then there’s Dr. Ronny Jackson, who, surprise surprise, turned out to be even scuzzier than we initially believed, but that’s ok, the Children of the Candy Corn elected him to the U.S. Congress anyway, because he lied about their Turd Emperor’s weight that one time. Cool party y’all got there.
You want to scream, “these are profoundly immoral people who are clearly unfit for office” and Republicans are all “well yeah, that’s kind of our entire thing now” and you go “man, couldn’t y’all have picked a less shitty thing, like maybe a really elaborate secret handshake” and they say “well we are thinking about adding armbands.”
Anyway, don’t want to shock anybody, but Elaine Chao, already a notoriously deviant fucker of turtles, turned out to be just as corrupt as any other Turdmaggot Administration cabinet secretary, albeit one with the common sense to avoid sending staffers on lotion runs. Are there any prominent Republicans left that aren’t Nazis, criminals, or Nazi criminals? That could be an amusing little parlor game, now that I think of it.
We learned Hairplug Himmler and the Empress Malaria got themselves quietly, privately vaccinated back in January, at the White House, but refused to receive the shots on camera, I guess because if you start modeling responsible behavior in front of a cult carefully constructed around the single animating principle that Behaving Like a Sack of Festering Marmot Anuses is Good Actually, it gets tougher to get ‘em to rise up in rabid rage to murder your enemies.
None of this matters even slightly, of course, given the abominable atrocities inflicted upon poor ol’ Dr. Seuss, who was resurrected in a satanic baby-eating ritual by High Priestess Hillary Rodham Clinton, only to be crucified, drawn and quartered, burned at the stake, flayed, tarred, feathered, taint-punted, nipple-twisted, and otherwise CANCELLED.
Of course, outside the Fux Nooz fever swamps, in a magical kingdom some call “reality,” a handful of Mr. Geisel’s minor works have been pulled from publication, by his estate, because they contain (to put it mildly) racially insensitive imagery which is pretty darn difficult to defend, here in the 21st century. Nothing is cancelled, or, as Minority Leader McCarthy mendaciously claimed, “outlawed.” The Grinch’s efforts to steal Xmas are, as ever, ongoing; the controversy over the desirability of consuming green eggs and/or ham endures; Pop remains hopped upon.
Still, determined to overthrow cancel culture like a common presidential election, wingnuts began frantically buying up every Seuss book that wasn’t nailed down, rocketing the good Dr. straight to the top of the Amazon bestseller list, and steering a massive financial windfall to...the very estate they’re allegedly furious with. If you’re wondering why conservatives are so susceptible to propaganda that strikes you as My God This Wouldn’t Fool a Yak, I humbly offer up the decision-making process outlined in this paragraph.
Georgia Republicans advanced their insidious voter suppression scheme, shamelessly targeting Black voters with the surgical precision usually reserved for the decennial Gerrymandering Hullabaloo and Fish Fry, (“Souls to the Polls on Sunday you say? Thank you for making your GOTV operation so easy to isolate and outlaw, LOL!”) because these are the sorts of laws a minoritarian party passes, once it has decided that obtaining the consent of the governed is simply too much trouble.
FBI Director Christopher Wray, during a hearing on the Capitol Riot Which is Clearly Much Less Important Than This Dr. Seuss Crap, yet again debunked Cult45’s favorite new conspiracy theory, that said riot was the work of antifa in disguise. Y’know, if these nutjobs were right, antifa could totally rebrand as an acting school, because some of these folks bring a nigh-Day-Lewisian level of commitment to their roles.
Obviously, Wray’s unambiguous statements on the matter are only further proof that he is a deep state NeverTrump MS-13 lizard person himself, and when President Crotchrot is inaugurated for his second term, the FBI, under the direction of Matt Gaetz or Marjorie Taylor Greene or maybe just the soggy sweat sock next to Gym Jordan’s bed, will replace the entire agency’s corrupted workforce with 22 Proud Boys and a meth lab.
Oddly, that inauguration did not take place on March 4th, despite the wild-eyed certitude of QAnon deadenders. Ah well. They don’t seem to be tired of losing, and lord knows I’m always down to chug another pint of their saltiest tears, so let’s reschedule for sometime this summer, says I.
...should we give MAGA nation a collective head pat for getting through this latest promised rapture without building any gallows or storming anything? I’m a big believer in rewarding good behavior, but I confess I’m worried about ticks.
The feds are also looking into communications between the January 6th rioters and members of Congress, in case you were wondering why Josh Hawley got all sweaty n’ fidgety when Wray started talking about using cell phone data to investigate the insurrectionists.
You would think Governor Greg Abbott’s ravenous thirst for Texan blood would be sated by now, but no, he’s recklessly reversed his state’s coronavirus restrictions, taking a victory lap well short of the finish line, oh, if only some enterprising Greek fableist had thought to address such conduct. Anyway, people will die because of this appalling decision, but I feel like that’s a baked-in cost Republican voters accept nowadays, being a death cult and all.
Joe Biden referred to Abbott’s homicidal madness as “Neanderthal thinking,” leading to the sort of performative demonstrations of faux outrage that are surely the whole reason God made Marco Rubio. I’m starting to worry some of these folks might be overworked; between screaming about potato toys and children’s books and now this...there are only so many hours in a day for high-decibel gaslighting circle jerks, y’know.
Ron Johnson figured he’d slow down the passage of Democrats’ almost comically popular $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus package*, by insisting the entire bill be read aloud on the Senate floor, likely because he can imagine no horror greater than reading. I’m not real sure why another day of WE DEMAND YE SUFFER IN THE NAME OF THE DEFICIT, O YE WORTHLESS DOGS headlines is desirable for these creeps...it risks eating into the Seuss narrative, if nothing else.
Fortunately, outsmarting Ron Johnson is about as difficult as you’d think it‘d be, and at the end of the staged reading (the material was a bit dry, but the performers did their best) Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen simply swept onto the floor, proposed cutting the period scheduled for debate down to three hours, and with no Republicans around to object, formally thwarted Johnson’s master plan to, uh, troll Congress out of helping the American people, I guess? No Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.
A little light this week, but I feel we’ve earned our weekend nonetheless. Hope y’all are movin’ on up in them vaccination lines, friends. Until the happy day when we can all cough and shake hands and rub up against one another again...stay safe out there.
*You are cordially invited to keep on clingin’ to that dusty, outdated playbook, Senator McConnell.
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