LOL! Looking forward to the GOP roll call: [View all]

[fleur-de-lisa]

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Kevin M. Kruse @KevinMKruse 9:17 PM · Aug 18, 2020

Looking forward to the GOP roll call:

ALABAMA: Roy Moore, legally standing a hundred feet outside a mall
ALASKA: Hunters lighting up caribou with AK-47s
ARIZONA: Joe Arpaio licking a taser
ARKANSAS: Tom Cotton smashing a bottle on a bar, daring the camera to fight
AMERICAN SAMOA: [delegates barred because Trump insists they're a Girl Scout cookie]
CALIFORNIA: Devin Nunes' cow
COLORADO: A can of room temperature Coors Light
CONNECTICUT: Lou Dobbs for some reason
DELAWARE: Biden's long-form birth certificate
DC: A canister of tear gas
FLORIDA: Ron DeSantis in a hazmat suit he somehow has on inside-out
GEORGIA: Brian Kemp holding a lit stick of dynamite
GUAM: [delegates barred because Trump hates Wrigley's]
HAWAII: A local official insisting it's actually part of America until the microphone is cut off
IDAHO: A tray of burnt French fries
ILLINOIS: Rod Blagojevich with an auctioneer's gavel
INDIANA: Bobby Knight, talking to an empty chair, screaming at empty chair, kicking the living shit out of empty chair
IOWA: A corn-dog cannon from the State Fair
KANSAS: Kris Kobach and his list of very real cases of voter fraud that he can't seem to find
KENTUCKY: Mitch McConn-BOOOOOOOO!
LOUISIANA: LSU Coach Ed Orgeron running through a tackling dummy with Joe Biden's face taped to it
MAINE: Susan Collins' slight disappointment
MARYLAND: The defense lawyer from "The Wire"
MASSACHUSETTS: Sully and White Pete outside a Dunkin, what the hell you lookin' at
MICHIGAN: A middle-aged Kid Rock, getting winded halfway through "Bawitdaba"
MINNESOTA: Michele Bachmann, that's right, America, Michele Bachmann!
MISSISSIPPI: A Confederate monument come to life
MISSOURI: The St. Louis gun couple
MONTANA: Greg Gianforte in a luchador mask
NEBRASKA: Ben Sasse, slowly edging out of the camera frame
NEVADA: [NSFW story recounted in Michael Cohen's book]
NEW HAMPSHIRE: [postponed due to bad weather]
NEW JERSEY: Chris Christie, directing traffic in Fort Lee
NEW MEXICO: Someone insisting that "the wall should have been to the south, please, sir, we're Americans, please"
NEW YORK: The hosts of "Fox & Friends," but Kilmeade has somehow caught his head in a blender
NORTH CAROLINA: The Duke Blue Devil mascot slapping the floor
NORTH DAKOTA: A guy dramatically coughing on the elderly Wal-Mart greeter who asked him to wear a mask
OHIO: Jim Jordan in an OSU wrestling singlet
OKLAHOMA: A pile of slurry next to a fracking device
OREGON: Cliven Bundy, barricaded in Malheur again for some reason
PENNSYLVANIA: Just a paper sign that says "Wharton"
PUERTO RICO: A fresh roll of Bounty paper towels
RHODE ISLAND: Calamari, again
SOUTH CAROLINA: Lindsey Graham debating Lindsey Graham about Trump's character
SOUTH DAKOTA: Kristi Noem, sandblasting Trump's face onto Mt. Rushmore
TENNESSEE: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha
TEXAS: Ted Cruz, attacking his own wife and father
UTAH: A battered piñata of Mitt Romney
VERMONT: A guy with a Bernie Sanders cutout screaming "socialism" over and over
VIRGINIA: A torchlight parade in Charlottesville
WASHINGTON: [stricken from the roll call after a long argument with the president about how he doesn't live there]
WEST VIRGINIA: A lump of beautiful, clean coal!
WISCONSIN: The ghost of Joe McCarthy, even though he too is a little skeeved out by all this
WYOMING: The guy Dick Cheney shot in the face, introduced by the gun that shot him