H2Omen's DU Exclusive !!!! [View all]

[H2O Man]

(Warning: The following letter from Willard Romney was received at the editor’s office of the Glass Onion this morning. I am publishing it here on the Democratic Underground as an exclusive, even before our legal staff can authenticate it. The last such exclusive that I posted caused discomfort among a few folks that reached almost to the level that led Mitt Romney to write this very letter in the wee morning hours of his sleepless night. So be mighty careful: do not read this while operating intoxicated machinery. Hide the children. And use every opportunity possible to make Mitt Romney the butt of cruel jokes for the next two weeks. I am H2O Man, and I approve of the following message.)





Dear Patriotic Voter:

Last night, you watched me confront Barack Obama in our third presidential debate. Be assured that while I was bravely defending our nation from the dangerous foreign agenda that Obama has subjected America to, I was thinking of you and your family. I was reminded of how the trees on your lawn had grown to the perfect height. It occurred to me that you could cut those trees down, split them up, and sell them as firewood for a small fund-raiser. Won’t you help me cut Mr. Obama down?

In the hours since the debate ended, our campaign -- yours’ and mine -- has been extremely busy. I agree with you that Mr. Obama’s constant attacking not only me, but everything the country stands for, was disgraceful. Even Senator John McCain has expressed outrage on this un-American activity.

Thus, our campaign has decided on two Emergency Actions we must take. The first is to challenge Mr. Obama to a fourth debate. We believe that it should be conducted in the format of the seventh-grade book report. Under these ideal, patriotic circumstances, the American public could benefit enormously from a shallow presentation based solely upon style of delivery.

I am willing to let my challenger select the site of this debate. Mr. Obama can pick between Brigham Young University, BYU-Idaho, BYU-Hawaii, and the LDS Business School. In fact, I will allow him to select the moderator: two of my junior high school teachers are still alive.

Second, our attorneys are preparing an emergency filing for the Supreme Court. I have ordered this action, because Barack Obama is now four years closer to acquiring a nuclear weapon, than he was when he took office. We cannot afford to allow the enemies of our nation to attack us. Hence, I have contributed my favorite quote from President Ronald Reagan:

“The streets of our country are in turmoil. The universities are filled with students rebelling and rioting. Communists are seeking to destroy our country. Russia is threatening us with her might, and the Republic is in danger. Yes - danger from within and without. We need law and order! Without it our nation cannot survive.”

Based upon the potential wide-spread voter fraud and the threat of rioting, our campaign is asking the Supreme Court to take bold and patriotic action. Based upon the 2000 case 531 U.S. 98, the Supreme Court can overrule a presidential election after it happens. We believe that they must take this a bold step forward, and rule that I am the winner even before Election Day. A pur curiam decision would allow them to bravely and collectively issue an anonymous decision.

These are the two patriotic steps that we are undertaking on behalf of our campaign. You can also take two steps to prevent your Job Creator from having to fire you and your family members. First, we need your generous financial contributions to help us offset the forces of Hollywood, teachers’ unions, and Muslims seeking to destroy our country. Ask your parents for help with this, or take out a second mortgage.

Second, because I know that you were as offended as I by Mr. Osama’s “bayonets and horses” gaff last night, please call Congress. Demand that they immediately impeach Mr. Obama for his cavalier failure to provide the 7th Cavalry with the proper weapons needed to defend our shores from foreign attack at the Little Big Horn on June 25th and 26th, 1876. This was perhaps the most disgraceful failure of any democrat president to protect our interests, and the entire Obama administration remains suspiciously quiet.

Was, as UN Ambassador Rice has claimed, this simply a case of people protesting the movie “Dances With Wolves”? Or was it a terrorist attack upon all that we hold sacred? I am prepared to address this disgraceful inaction on Mr. Obama’s part tonight, on Fox News. I’ll report, and you’ll decide to contribute to our campaign.

Yours in Faith,

Mitt Romney