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In reply to the discussion: All day long I have been fuming about this and I am glad that I waited to post it. I COULD BURN [View all]Lurker Deluxe
(1,038 posts)I'll give you a few examples in various forms.
"erupted without a hint"
No ... I promise you there was a hint, a sign, some pretext that this guy was about to go off. We don't see them, or we choose to ignore them, but they are there.
The bar that I drink at has this guy who scares me, actually physically scares me. When he gets to drinking to heavy and starts talking aggressively my alerts go up, I actually begin to feel that fight or flight response begin to kick in. I'll either move to the other side of the bar, or I'll call it a day and head home. He's a decent enough guy, with a good job and a family at home. The first sign is he's getting drunk and going home to his wife and kids ... the second sign is the way he changes when he has had "one" to many. He's not aggressive about anything in particular ... but he'll get blown up about things as simple as who the Texans should draft in the first round, I mean he'll get actually pissed that you disagree with him and start trying to just over talk you, with volume.
One woman I have known for a decade and she ended up dating an acquaintance of mine. This guy was so incredibly possessive and jealous that she actually asked me to not contact her anymore because it bothered him that we were friends. I warned her then that this was a certain sign of trouble, the first step is to isolate ... before the abuse starts. I did as she asked and we severed all contact (even on facebook) and I hadn't seen her for over a year. End of the year last year I got a new cell phone and sent out a general text message about my new contact information, she responded and we started to communicate again. She was a lucky one, she got out before it started but she is calling it "the lost year of my life" and is reaching out to all of those people who he isolated.
The other woman works as a bartender and we have known each other on and off for 15 years, and although mostly just through the exchange of service at the bar we have become friends and for a short time more than that. She got involved with a trust fund baby, a man who has never had to work a day in his life and never intends to. The day I met this guy I knew exactly who he was, and what he was. It started easy enough ... her car broke down. No need to get it fixed I can take you to work and pick you up. Then they moved into a place that there is simply no way she could afford, completely across town from her job and her friends. Next step was just as predictable, as her finances became his responsibility. The whole time I was telling her to run I was getting the simple responses like, "he's so good with the kids" , "he takes really good care of me". It was within six months that the patterns finally exposed themselves to her, he drank all day everyday, masturbated multiple times a day, insisted they have sex at least twice a day, had isolated her from the people that she used to see and spend time with on a regular basis. She attempted to run. I hadn't seen her since before Christmas and no one at the bar had said anything ... Saw her end of last week. He beat the hell out of her. She missed three weeks of work. He went to jail but has since gotten out on bail, and she has filed for a restraining order against him. He's got money though ... real money, and is stalking her. She has a broken car, lives somewhere she can not possibly afford, has no savings, and missed three weeks work.
We deal with these people everyday, and we see them everyday. The aggressive drunk at the bar is a time bomb, you try to stay away as best you can to not be the one who gets sucker punched because his wife finally told him to either come home sober or not come home at all. The jealous possessive is someone who I simply no longer associate with, he almost cost me a great friend. The sorry SOB woman beater has been warned in no un-simple terms ... Yea, that's my truck she is driving, and yea a couple of us are helping her move back to this side of town this weekend ... you come after her again and I will beat you within an inch of your fucking life, and I don't give a flying fuck who your daddy is.
People are this way for a variety of reasons. How we treat them is directly representative of what we have invested. They typically prey on those who are least able to defend against their predatory ways, the only way to stop them is to attempt to help the victim. Unfortunately many times all you can do is help them after the abuse has escalated to physical violence, but that is when your compassion and help is the most important.
Always remember to offer any help you can unconditionally, and never place any of the blame for the situation on the victim.