Koch Brothers Ask for Discount When Buying Politicians in Bulk [View all]

[20score]

At a very rare and brief press conference in Manhattan, Charles and David Koch laid out few demands before they spend their money buying politicians in the 2016 election.

“It’s only fair,” said David Koch. “People think, ‘Well, they’re spending a billion dollars to buy a president, a few senators and representatives – they should be happy with what they’ve got!’ But they don’t look at it from our point of view. Yes, we do make a lot of money off of our investments…but look at how much time and money we put into running the country! Sometimes there are individual bills that need to be written. That costs money. And do you think politicians at the state level buy themselves? Hell no, that costs money! And what about judges?”

“Exactly!” said David’s brother, Charles. “One judge may be cheap, by him or herself. But multiply that by a few hundred and now you’re talking real money…at least for some. Add into that some think tanks, a few scientists…plus all the politicians David mentioned and you begin to understand why we think a few politicians should be thrown in, gratis. I'm sure I speak for others in our class, also. We all feel a bit slighted.”

“And maybe a few bills that we had people write, too” David interjected. “And the truth is, to make up for all the negative press we’ve been getting, and all the money we’ve been spending, a couple of national parks thrown in wouldn’t hurt either.”

“We have to be going now, thank you for your time,” David said.