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cate94

cate94's Journal
cate94's Journal
September 13, 2023

Today I am 30 days sober

Heading to my PHP (partial hospitalization program) in a short while. My wife will be reading her data letter to me, pretty much saying how my drinking impacted her. It’s a requirement of the program, and I’m a bit nervous. I’m not going to let that spoil my celebration

In the past 30 days I was at a funeral luncheon where booze was all around me. I was at a family reunion where booze was readily accessible. Guests in my house have had their cocktails and I drank my water, or Arnie Palmer’s. It felt a bit weird but I was proud of myself. I did not envy, and I did not drink.

Today I am thirty days sober.

August 21, 2023

One week sober.

I checked myself in to detox from alcohol. I was drinking an inordinate amount but I rarely did anything that would call attention to my addiction. I had to be helped to my car a week ago Sunday (no I wasn’t driving) but when my wife called me on it, I didn’t remember.

Truthfully I began drinking heavily when TFG was elected. I despaired over the fact that loved ones would vote for a man willing to take away my rights. Not to mention that I see him as an evil man. It isn’t that I didn’t drink regularly before that, but that was a trigger that pushed me over the edge.

I was up to approximately 18 ounces of liquor per day. I drank until I passed out and if I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d pour another. If there was still liquor in my glass in the morning, I’d,add it to my coffee. Really at my age, impacting my memory, my health and my relationships.

I finally said I need help. I’m cautiously optimistic because I think I have a good support system. Everyone I’ve told has at least acted relieved. I think they will help me back on track. I’ll be starting a PHP Thursday, hopefully anyway. I have a few major things that will, no must, interrupt some of those days. My MIL is on her deathbed and I am finishing cancer treatment. I’ll be starting AA as soon as I find a nearby group.

May 20, 2023

Today is a month post op from mastectomy

It still hurts, but I didn’t need chemo!! No nerve block for me unfortunately but the compression bra was quite helpful at minimizing the initial pain. They took 17 lymph nodes, but all were clear!
On the other hand, they took 17 lymph nodes and that is causing some swelling and discomfort.

Most of my neighbors are aware of my recent surgery so I feel comfortable walking around my block without a prosthesis. It takes at least five weeks for measurements and a few more weeks before the prosthesis arrives, in the meantime what to do? I had to go to Target. I tried to rig something up. Socks, bra insert, it looked okay when I left home. By the time I was back in my car I looked like Quasimodo. Lol.

In the meantime, my wife ordered some temporary silicone replacements from Amazon. The first one she ordered was an A size. Apparently my bust size made an impression on her when we first started dating 30 years ago. I tried it in my sports bra and it didn’t look any different than when I went without. Haha.

She ordered a new size and I decided to try it on my walk. We just started out when our neighbor across the street called us over to look at a planting she did in her backyard, we were cutting through her house when I realized that the silicone slid down and was now sitting on my stomach. Thank god no one saw it, I don’t need enhancement there. Back home, dump the insert. Omg. It’s a hysterical pain in the chest.

This is an awful lot of vanity and silliness for a nearly 67 yr old (semi) broad. So I go to the doctor for my annual, w/o the balancing act. Heading back to my car I pass a younger woman who smiles and nods and then clearly notices my chest. Her expression changes to horrified. Oh well.

So back to trying to look balanced. We had more missteps with with the silicone boob, but it seems a sports bra, double faced tape will keep things somewhat normal looking. The bra itself slides up sometimes but a print shirt helps camouflage it.

We went out to dinner last night for the first time since this whole ordeal started. Met up with friends in Chicago, at a pop up restaurant “The Golden Girls Kitchen”. It was a fun night and I wasn’t self conscious at all.

April 30, 2023

I haven't been here for a long while

But I really needed to tell this dream to people who might appreciate it:

I’m standing in front of a giant screen. The images are blurry and spinning, like a huge slot machine only more vague.

The wheel stops and a figure walks towards me. I say “oh no! I knew you in another life! You were an asshole then and you’re going to be an asshole now. I don’t know why I keep on having to put up with you!” I turn and walk away.

Okay. It’s a dream. It made me laugh, but I also wonder if I should be expecting someone. ?


April 11, 2023

I have recurrent breast cancer

I’ll be having a unilateral mastectomy in 9 days. Honestly, I’m scared. I’m drinking too much to try and ease my fear and I know it is stupid. I’ve had three lumpectomies between the two. So I have a small clue about the pain/discomfort. I know this will be worse.

There is discrepancy in the imaging between mammogram and ultrasound in terms of size therefore, I won’t know about chemo until after the pathology. Crap.

February 15, 2023

It's back

I had breast cancer back in 2014, I thought I was done with it. Woke up at 6;30 this morning that my biopsy came back positive. I had my biopsy in Chicago we are in CA. Not a great way to wake up. Anyway, what can you do?

February 10, 2023

Thanks for the heart

I needed it today. I had imaging today that suggests I have a recurrence of breast cancer. Tomorrow the biopsy and mid next week the results.

I haven’t posted much and someone remembering me, it meant so much. Thank you.

October 28, 2022

We've had Goldie for nearly twelve years.

She was a rescue, who seemed extremely fear aggressive when we met her at her foster’s house. Back up barking, showing teeth. My wife said yes, so we brought her home. On the way home I did my best to pet her, but I could barely reach. We stopped at the grocery to get some food, because it was Sunday night. When I ran in she started crying. When I got in the car she jumped on my lap! As soon as we got home she jumped on the couch next to and put her head on my shoulder.

Over the years we’ve had many adventures and walks twice a day. During one of th.e walks she fainted. We turned around and went home. I didn’t know what was wrong and I didn’t know what to do! The next day we went to the vet and found out she had IMHA -immune mediated hemolytic anemia- a deadly coNdition caused by a vaccine! Two and a half years later, my girl was the 1 out of 4 that - mange’s to survive. Immune suppression. A schedule of prednisone, mycopheolate azithromyacin and omeprozole to help her stomach. It’s a costly disease that we were able to afford, and a pill schedule we could mange to keep. She got fat on the prednisone and due to the disease unable,to get excersize.

So then we effectively killed her immune system to save my Goldie’s life. Then she began to have repeated UTI’s until she started bleeding. They said she had bladder cancer. Thankfully, it was a bad cyst. And again we figured it out.

Now she has arthritis. She can barely stand. She is eating only turkey, rice and green beans. Not all s. Just some. Our walks are at a snails pace. We have her on meds that are controlling her pain. But I’m trying to process letting my best friend go. Sometimes life sucks

August 15, 2022

We golf.

My wife is a low handicap, i’m a duffer. Today we went to a local ‘executive course. We were paired with a guy from Indiana. The man seemed nice enough, and had many tattoos. Most were as far as I knew, inoffensive. After about four holes, I saw the tattoo on the front of his shin. OMG! This fool put a likeness of the 1/6 shaman on his shin. I said nothing, but admit I changed my opinion of him. That dumbass is going to be wearing pants to hide that soon enough.

January 6, 2022

Today is Goldie's gotcha day!

Ten years ago, we adopted a fear aggressive dog. We didn’t know her age, but she took to us immediately. We are so lucky, for so many reasons. She comforts me whenever I swear. She has had a few physical diagnosis that suggested death, but she overcame them. Our vet complains she is overweight, and she is, but we are fortunate she’s still here. Such a good dog!

Profile Information

Gender: Female
Hometown: Burr Ridge, IL
Member since: Thu Jun 7, 2007, 12:21 PM
Number of posts: 2,819

About cate94

Spend winters in southern CA
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