TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalBut Other Than That, How Was Breakfast, Mr. Manafort?
Hiya, folks. As always, a few moments might make more sense with the links, on my site at:
http://showercapblog.com/breakfast-mr-manafort/
Hey, Happy Indictment Day, everyone! I'm partaking of the traditional Indictment Day IPA Six-pack...if this post mysteriously cuts off halfway through, it's because I've passed out on my keyboard, hammered and cackling.
Before we enter the atmosphere to conduct a thorough exploration of Planet Schadenfreude, let's take a moment to appreciate Joy Reid's one-woman, two-fisted, journalism school master class.
Are you paying attention, The Rest of the Media? This is what we need from you, cuz Team Shart's last lingering hope is a massive misinformation campaign. So don't Both Sides that shit, don't give us "Fuckhead #6 says Hillary Clinton eats kittens," be like Joy Reid, and demolish Fort Horseshit with the Righteous Wrecking Ball of You're Just Making Stuff Up, And I SEE YOU, ASSHOLE.
Jared Kushner's being investigated in Maryland for being a slumlord, that's fun. If one of Obama's (or even W's) chief advisors found themselves under investigation for being a slumlord, the world would've ground to a halt. Now we're like, "Yeah, yeah...call me when you dig up the hooker graveyard."
I guess we can appreciate this profile of John Boehner in retirement. I just skimmed it, but I guess he says Jason Chaffetz and Jim Jordan are assholes (HOT TAKE, JOHN! You're all assholes.), somebody held a knife to his throat once, and I guess he spends all day writing spec scripts for an Andy Griffith Show relaunch, and cooking meth. Who the fuck cares? Boehner's a bag of festering shit. Just because there are somewhat larger bags of festering shit around now doesn't make Boehner less of a bag of festering shit.
Puerto Rico canceled the too-corrupt-to-believe-even-by-fucking-Drumpf-era-standards contract with Cowboy Z's hometown buds. Everybody's basically sitting around hoping that with all the various shitstorms going on, there just won't be any lawyers left to dig too deeply into just how this ridiculous grift got set up in the first place.
And some of the "white lives matter" jagoffs spilled over from their pathetic little cosplay march in Tennessee to gang up on an interracial couple in a nearby restaurant, because I guess Shitty White Supremacist Loser Terrorism is just a thing we let happen now.
Seems some member of the Master Race decided to demonstrate his genetic superiority by punching a woman in the face. Hey, Dickless. Bring your show to Chicago some time. I'll give you the names of a few bars to walk into. Try pulling your shit there. See what happens.
The Marmalade Shartcannon was administered a particularly sturdy taint punt by today's Gallup poll, hitting a new low, with a mere 33% approving, and 62% opting for "Fuck that spraytanned sack of liposuction fat, he suxxxx."
And that was BEFORE the big news hit.
That news, of course, was the start of the Bundy Ranch standoff trial.
Anyhow, I think that's everything, Resisters! I'll check in later in the week, and don't forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!!!
...
...
What, did I miss something?
Oh, you mean the indictments? No, I've been assured by most powerful men and women in the country that the whole Mueller thing'll be wrapping up any minute now, and that it's a big ol' nothingburger anyway.
I mean, if y'all want a make a big deal out of the President of the United States' former campaign manager (and his faithful stooge) being indicted on 12 charges, I guess I can't stop you from getting caught up in the LAMESTREAM LIBTARD MEDIA'S CONSPIRACY TO COVER UP BENGHAZIURANIUMANVINCEFOSTERGATE, you CUCKS!
In all honesty, it was almost kind of a letdown at first, right? We had the whole "Tune in Monday to see just who the lucky indictee will be!" teaser Friday night, and we had a whole weekend to fantasize about, say, Stephen Miller locking himself in a West Wing bathroom, hiding from the FBI, crying about how he's not ready to go prison for life, for Christ's sake, no woman since his mother has seen his bare shoulders!
But you knew it was gonna be Manafort. We've read about all the shit he's neck-deep in for months now, and the safe money was always on Manafort being the first domino.
So you saw it was Manafort, and I guess his loser sidekick who you haven't thought about much, and it was like "That's cool, it's good news, but I hope the next episode has more dragons or something, because this show's getting predictable."
...and that's about when you noticed that OTHER indictment.
"George Papadopoulos? I read something about him a while back, what's this about?"
...oh....OH!
He's already pleaded guilty? To lying to the FBI? Over contacts with Russia? While working for the Trump campaign? And there's all sorts of shit in there about other high-ranking officials bein' in the loop on the treasonous shenanigans?
Well shit. Looks like we got ourselves a ballgame here.
Cuz now, attempted collusion is proven. Confessed to. We already had that with the famous Dumbass, Jr. meeting, but now we know this whole campaign was just THIRSTY FOR TREASON.
And consensus rapidly developed that Papadopoulos, a small fish, almost certainly wore a wire for Mueller, and surely delivered the goods on some of the major players, or we wouldn't have learned about his plea today.
So just IMAGINE the paranoia engulfing this gang of bumbling crooks today. A few of them understand they've fucked themselves thoroughly over via conversations with Little Papi, which they only now understand were recorded, and snugly rest in Mueller's hands.
The rest? Well, who knows who's flipped and who hasn't? Does anybody imagine that a gimpy tapeworm like Reince Priebus hasn't cracked?
So Sam Clovis is in trouble. (And not just for potential heart health issues! I don't want to body-shame on a progressive blog, but good golly Sam! You look like you wash down your breakfast plate of gravy and gravy with a tall glass of Crisco, ya fat fuck!) Clovis is likely the unnamed "supervisor" in the Papaderpaderp indictment. Manafort seems to be in additional trouble here as well. And Corey Lewandowski may be caught in this particular dirtbag-trap as well, HEE FUCKIN' HEE.
And of course we have the now-famous photo of Poopadopeadope sitting happily in a meeting with the Shart himself and one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. And my god, if this little twerp's testimony leads to that racist mediocrity's career ending in disgrace, I'll build him a fucking statue.
Well, maybe a butter sculpture.
But let us not lose sight of the day's minutia, for the time shall surely come when we will be asked to recount the finest details of America's struggle for Her very soul, over evenings of Boxed Wine and Trivial Pursuit. On that day, dear reader, you will be called on to remember just how much American Traitor Paul Manafort fucking loved rugs.
And of course Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Who I saw described today as "The Uncredible Huck," and you can bet your ass I'm stealing that.) dutifully marched out to sneer at the press and condescendingly proclaim that the indictment of Drumpf's campaign manager is really an indictment of Hillary Clinton because...reasons.
Oh, and Sanders also pitched the GOP tax plan by plagiarizing an internet forward from fifteen years ago, because that's the intellectual rigor applied by the executive branch these days.
If you're looking for a maraschino cherry on your schadenfreude cupcake, may I suggest this Tweet from the account James Comey set up to troll the cheap crook who fired him?
Of course, if you're looking for an alternative emotional experience, you could poke around in the darker corners of the right wing maniacosphere, where you can find plenty of folks counseling a hard turn to full-out, rule-of-law-shredding fascism. May I recommend Judge Jeanine? Pat Robertson? The Wall Street Journal Editorial Board?
Things were actually awful for Team Treasonweasel OUTSIDE of the Russia Kerfuffle, if you can believe that. Like, your wife's leaving you for her Pilates instructor, and then you get home to find the basement's flooded and there's nothing left of the Halloween candy but Mounds.
First off, a federal judge blocked the Velveeta Urinal Cake's proposed ban on transgender soldiers, because "I'm absolutely desperate to throw my shitty, hateful, base something resembling a victory" isn't a constitutionally sound reason for a draft-dodging testicle tumor to steal anyone's civil rights, turns out.
And Susan Collins, who ain't afraid of no Shart, laid out her demands regarding the new tax reform legislation, and they are...not compatible with the Ryan/Koch game plan.
See, the GOP was REALLY hoping they'd get away with repealing Obamacare and cutting their donor class' taxes before the indictments starting flying, but now they're stuck wearing I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was the Repeal of a Regulation That Made it Harder For Oil Companies to Bribe Foreign Governments t-shirts.
Anyway, know that Mitch McConnell is scrambling to get as many Deplorables as possible confirmed to federal judgeships before the Treason hashtags start tending in earnest, because Yertle might be a fucker, but he is a savvy fucker. (Unlike Devin Nunes, who is, as longtime readers will already know, merely a Pigfucker.)
And I see Facebook's all "Hey, yeah...turns out our website got hijacked by a Russian troll farm and basically they used us to spread fake news that was probably seen by more or less half of the country during the election, soooooooo...our bad?"
...deploying social media trolls to weaponize our blossoming moron crop. Looking back now, it seems obvious. Tragically, embarrassingly, obvious.
Of course you knew you'd see a whole swarm of those sourced-by-sixty-five-off-the-record-leakers stories about Smallhands McNopenis throwing his usual self-pity-and-hair-tonic-fueled tantrums. Well, pick your poison.
Golly it's fun watching SHARTUS' dwindling circle of defenders melt down in the wake of the indictments. Sean Hannity and Noot Gingrich are frantically, pathetically spinning, even as I write this. And Carter Page? Fuck only knows what's going on in Carter Page's head. That boy could get lost in his own shower.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IVANKA! Your whole shitty family is colossally fucked, we're about to discover what traitorous shitsacks you all are, your family name will be a curse word and punchline for generations, your GremlinDork husband's going to jail, the money will all disappear, and you'll spend the rest of your days loathed and shunned by decent people everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, Princess, you'll probably look back on today as one of the good days. Comparatively.
Hope there was cake today, is all I'm sayin'.
PS - Golly, I guess John Kelly decided to really lean in to his heel turn tonight. Fuck that guy. There's plenty of room on the trash heap of history, General.
31 Flavors of Fuckery, I'll Just Have a Mueller Genuine Draft
Hello chums, as always, I invite you to check out the links version at:
http://showercapblog.com/mueller-genuine-draft/
Shit is getting real, y'all. Shit is hitting the fan. REAL SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN AND WHILE I CANNOT DEFINITIVELY TESTIFY TO THE REALNESS OF THE FAN IT SEEMS LIKELY THAT IS IN FACT REAL OTHERWISE THE SHIT WOULD HAVE FLOWN THROUGH IT AND HIT THE WALL BEHIND THE FAN, RIGHT?
There was a serious surge in Republican Fuckery this week, wasn't there?
...well, at least we understand why, now. Heh.
Hell with it, let's dive right into the deep end of the Fuckery pool. Immigration agents detained a 10-year girl with cerebral palsy. I can't believe I typed that without puking on my hands. Fuckers STOPPED A LITTLE GIRL'S AMBULANCE on the way to emergency surgery, but o-so-magnanimously allowed her to continue the hospital, only to linger outside her room to take her into custody the very moment she was released.
Thanks so much, Drumpf/ICE/Kelly/Sessions, whichever of you fucks are responsible! Thank you for protecting me from the TEN YEAR OLD GIRL WITH CEREBRAL PALSY!
Jesus, if this is what you're spending my tax money on, I'd rather you just went ahead and golfed 24/7. You evil fucks. Let's keep bump stocks legal while we deport ten year olds.
In International Fuckery, Secretary of State Tillerson decided to close the office that oversees sanctions, even as the Shart Administration drags its feet implementing new sanctions on Mamma Russia. Low-T Rex is like that grumpy, penny-pinching grandpa, scowling as he shambles from room to room, turning off lights and unplugging machines to save on the electric bill, never realizing he's in a hospital.
Now, Betsy DeVos isn't about to get out-Fuckeried by a Dumpy Old Thumb like Rex, so she's looking at reversing the Obama-era policy of fully forgiving student loan debt for those defrauded by fake, shitty, for-profit colleges COUGHCOUGHTRUMPUNIVERSITY. Apparently, all that kept America from becoming great again was too many protections for disabled kids, too few for campus rapists, and the government being a total cuck about clawing back debt from fraud victims.
Let's not neglect the Soft Fuckery of John Kelly refusing to apologize to Frederica Wilson for standing in front of the entire nation and lying his ass off about her.
And the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, wants his own float in the Fuckery Parade. Here he is raging his shitty Klansman head off about all those dirty Yankee judges failing to show the proper respect to Il Douche and his petty band of Administrative State Deconstructers.
Jefferson's no fool. Of all the highest-ranking bastards in this Gaggle of Assfungi, he's the one who understands the law best. He knows the reckoning day's a-coming, and he just wants to fuck up as many non-white folks' lives as he possibly can before the FBI knocks on his door.
So, after activists filed a lawsuit challenging the integrity of the special election in the Georgia sixth, the university hosting the electoral data played a rousing game of Whoops I Erased The Server! Local Fuckery!
I only bring this up because I keep getting mixed messages on the issue of digital security. I can't quite pin it down, but I feel like I remember some folks raising a bit of a stink over somebody erasing a server or something? Help me out...
The good folks over at the ACLU (who would put your donation to excellent use, don'tcha know) uncovered documentation of KKKris KKKobach's burning drive to inflict his own special brand of Fuckery on the entire nation. KKKris does NOT want you to be allowed to vote, especially if you belong some minority group that's statistically disinclined to support fascists like him and his rectal tumor of a boss.
Peeking into the Fuckery From Days Gone By Files, the Failing New York Times reports that Natalia V. Veselnitskaya brought a set of Kremlin-approved talking points to the famous Boy Howdy Do I EVER Wanna Collude With You meeting with Shart, Jr., now set to be honored in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Lied-About Gathering of People in Human History.
In the Majestic Fuckery of Nature column, it seems the Candycorn Skidmark wants to shrink Bear Ears National Monument. That's probably one of the President's Top 10 accomplishments, nearly a year in. Shrinking a National Monument. Someday grade school kids will give book reports on that one. America. Fuck yeah.
Looking now to the Wide World of Sports Fuckery, didja see where the owner of the NFL's Houston Texans got all Rich Guy Mad at his manservants, er..."players" and their uppity kneeling? Yes yes, he lamented, from behind his monocle and beneath his top hat, we can't have the inmates running the prison, HARUMPH HARUMPH.
Good luck attracting free agents this offseason, Texans Oligarch Man!
Hey, speaking of wealthy jagoffs, the muckety-mucks of a major private prison mega-corp moved their "Let's Celebrate Our Rampant Fuckery" conference to one of the Sunny D-Bag's golf courses, just as a way of saying "Hey, thanks for for all the extra business, You Big Fat Racist Shithole, You." I'm sure Jeff Sessions will be a guest of honor as well, because hey, a new generation of young black men ain't gonna throw THEMSELVES into the prison/industrial complex, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
The Human Garbage Pail Kid finally declared the opioid crisis a public health emergency, which sounds like he maybe did something halfway decent, just to switch things up, but nah, he didn't allocate any new resources to actually DO anything, he just said "This is a thing that is bad." Also, he seems to think slapping a couple "Just Say No" posters up in the halls of assorted middle schools will take care of the whole problem.
There was much furrowing of brows and clutching of pearls over a poll that showed a slim majority of Democrats approving of George W. Bush! Chillax, folks. He'd just given a big speech shitting on a certain carrot-hued wannabe tyrant, and there was a little lingering warmth from that; it doesn't mean the party platform will call for Social Security privatization next year.
Down in Puerto Rico, they still don't have power. What they DO have is Ryan Zinke's grifteriffic buddies, and their AMAZING just-give-us-all-the-fucking-money-and-you-can-shove-any-oversight-up-your-rosy-red-ass contract.
Now, Cowboy Z is SUPER indignant that anyone's suggesting he had ANYTHING to do with Whitefish landing this $300 million, no-bid contract. Even though it's based in his hometown. And his son worked for them. And he already helped them get a contract in Montana once before.
Nope, Puerto Rico just called up two random fuckjobs in Montana and said "Hey, would you like a $300 million dollar contract? We'll throw in $400 per diems, plus, for no reason whatsoever, we'll preemptively waive any right to audit or sue if you happen to fuck up or rip us off in any way. Basically just take our money and do whatever you fucking feel like with it.
They're also burning bodies down in Puerto Rico. Horrifyingly, they've cremated more than 900 bodies since the hurricane, all of which they say died of Natural Causes and Now That They're All Ash, You Can't Say Any Different.
Because your government has botched hurricane relief efforts so badly that they're DESTROYING BODIES TO COVER UP THE DEATH TOLL.
Halloween season ain't skimping on horror this year.
Because he's a blithering moron who can't do anything right, somehow the American President managed to fuck up giving Halloween candy to some kids. I guess they were the press' kids, so he could just barely stop himself from telling them to murder their lying parents in their sleep? Anyway, he said how great it was that they weren't fat fucks like himself, and sent them on their way.
The guy who can't handle PASSING OUT FUCKING HALLOWEEN CANDY wants to start a war with a nuclear-armed nation. I just really hope all you Jill Still voters are SUPER proud of yourselves.
Anyway. Obviously the biggest bit of Fuckery, some truly eerily well-coordinated Fuckery, was the sudden consensus, from the Shart House to Congress to the right wing media bubble all the way down to the lowliest Russian Twitter bot, was that these silly collusion investigations had more or less run their course, and it's gettin' to be about quittin' time, don'tcha think? After all, we can't keep spending taxpayer money! This isn't BENGHAZI for pity's sake!
For a little extra punch, they dredged up the long-ago discredited Hillary/Uranium story from the campaign trail...something about Clinton trading all our precious atomic power to the Russians in return for elite Soviet lesbian hookers or something. I don't know, it never made any sense.
Oh, and Comey and Mueller were there too, I guess? Selling aborted baby parts on behalf of Planned Parenthood? I don't fucking know, it's just 'sposed to be some massive, all-compassing Pile of Badness that coincidentally encompasses everyone who's dangerous to the cabal of cheap crooks squatting in the White House.
Paul Waldman's on to these fuckers. Not that their plan is especially crafty. Just scream about...something, anything, to distract the Rubes.
In the "Nazi Fuckery" Department, everybody's favorite Deposed Fascist Advisor, "Doctor" Sebastian Gorka decided to lend his own special blend of spices to the mix (SPOILER: they are Nazi spices), talking about how great it would be if we could just execute Hillary Clinton. Because Seb is a Nazi. A bloodthirsty Nazi who worked in the White House until very, very recently.
Anyway, it didn't take long to figure out why Operation Please Dear God Please Change the Subject launched when it did.
For on a late October night we're likely to remember for some time, Bashful Bob Mueller dropped the first of what will likely wind up being a whole pianoful of hammers.
Team Mueller filed their first indictment. Or perhaps indictmentZ? We found out Friday, but they don't get unsealed until Monday. Plenty of time for plenty of assholes to poop plenty of pants.
Hannity, Gorka, and especially Roger Stone had particularly memorable Twitter meltdowns in response. Roger done got himself banned from the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine, possibly for life, for threatening a bunch of journalists. Innocent men threaten journalists all the time, right?
Corey Lewandowski even flipped his shit live on teevee, about how Pay No Attention to the Indictments Behind the Curtain, focus on the "lies of the Clinton administration," because these fucks are really, really wishing they HAD lost last November.
And while it's fun to laugh at these buffoons as they blunder about, tripping over their own feet, let's not ignore the fact that Dana Boente, U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, suddenly and unexpectedly resigned Saturday. Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Fuck Nixon, I am TOTALLY a crook"
wants to name his own boy for the district, y'see, since Donald J. Trump falls under its jurisdiction as long as he's President.
And of course Little Donnie Two-Scoops wants State to release more of Madame Hilldawg's old e-mails. He also ordered the lifting of a gag order on an informant in his futile quest to force America to take the uranium story hoax seriously. There's a silver bullet there someplace, Shart-O. You should get your hopes way, way up for that.
Desperate for anything resembling good news, Dorito Mussolini tweeted out his schadenfreude that Michael Moore's Broadway show shut down in humiliating failure. Of course, Moore's show merely completed its pre-announced run as scheduled, so there is truly no joy whatsoever in Mudville.
Good.
Fuckhead even tried stealing the credit for the release of the Kennedy assassination files. That's how desperate for a win he is. Heh. You're really gonna HATE Monday, Donnie. Like Garfield to the power of Garfield. That is your Monday.
Things are about to pretty nutty, folks. God only knows what this narcissistic doofus will do as the walls close in. If this morning's Twitter rant is any indication, he won't think twice about tearing the whole damn country apart to cover his own ass.
But as he and his sycophants desperately spread their misinformation, never forget there are more of us. His supporters were the minority on Election Day, and that base has done nothing but shrink since. It's gonna get rough, but we'll get through this shit.
Point is, be strong, be vigilant...be like this woman.
Someday We Shall Build Statues of Bob Corker and Jeff Flake Bravely Quitting
Hello my friends. Thanks, as always, for reading. There are a couple of bits here that will make more sense with links, which you can find at:
http://showercapblog.com/someday-we-shall-build-statues-of-bob-corker-and-jeff-flake-bravely-quitting/
Well, it's scary movie season, but the box office is in the crapper, cuz the American people are all, "You think YOU got problems? Fuck you, I'd give my eye teeth* to just be dealing with an icepick-wielding maniac in a plastic mask. Your boy gets nuclear codes, gimmie a fuckin' call."
Let's examine all the mid-week madness, shall we? (Giggles distractedly. Chews fingernails to the nub. Bleeds.)
Bob Corker has had enough, y'all. He's investing in purple pants and running around Capitol Hill shouting BOB SMASH! He's talking about how SCROTUS is a lying liar who lies, who's fuckin' up the USA's relationships with the rest of the world, and who wants to grow up to be a DEBASER (De-base-errrrrr)
And then Jeff Flake joined in the fun, giving a rousing speech on the Senate floor that was largely about how shitty the President is but also about how he's quitting before he can lose the election he was almost certainly going to lose next year.
And so you start to allow yourself a little hope, that the dam has finally broken, and the treasonweasels in the Republican Party might finally, FINALLY be ready to stand up to this jabbering cancer that's gnawing away at everything that's good and decent about this country...but then you find out that instead, they gave him a bunch of standing ovations in a party lunch, each taking turns giving him lap dances, and Ted Cruz' was the best one because Littlefinger made fun of his wife and dad during the whole thing, and he cried a little.
And yeah, they turned right around that night to repeal a rule that allowed us the right to sue financial institutions when they rip us off, because in the end, they are still fucking Republicans, and Republicans gonna Republican, even if they do cross the low moral bar of criticizing an obviously evil, incompetent, under-qualified, idiotic, too-long-tie-wearing, dotard who threatens all life on this planet.
I dunno, folks. Bob Corker is not going to suddenly co-sponsor a single payer bill. John McCain will still try to give the Pentagon all the money in the world, up to and including the tip jar at the coffee shop down the road from the clinic where he gets cancer treatments. Jeff Flake is still going to...well, still going to be a goofy, useless, rank-and-file conservative wanker who's wrong about more or less everything.
I don't know how much we can or should expect from these folks, but from my chair, GOP Senators speaking out against the Shart is better than GOP Senators not speaking out against the Shart. Maybe not a whole lot better, but better.
Anyhow. Some protester pelted President Crotchvoid with Russian flags, which was, I must say, nicely done. I'd have chosen urinal cakes, but Russian flags are fine.
Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes decided to bring the long-since debunked Uranium Deal Controvery back from beyond the grave. It doesn't matter that it was debunked. As we saw from the heady days (years) of Benghazimania, all the Frothy Rube Army requires is some nebulous, ever-shifting, non-specific target to rage at, and they'll rage most happily.
Wouldn't it be nice, folks, if George Orwell were a little less right about human nature?
Shit, Devin won't even need to pull out of Ma Howry's Prized Sow to make this work. Couple of press releases about "uncooperative witnesses," a few segments on Fux n' Frenz about how the Lamestream Media won't cover the story...we'll have morons shootin' up pizza restaurants again in NO time!
And of course there's also gonna be a shiny new investigation into everybody's old favorite, Hillary's E-mails! Like a fresh-but-faithful new cover of a time-tested classic! That this comes as Republicans seem unwilling to investigate Jar-Jar and Ivanka for...conducting government business over...private e-mail held on a private server is...well, if hypocrisy bothered Republican congressfucks, they'd have all committed ritual suicide years ago.
Ryan Zinke's been feeling a little neglected, y'all. Everybody's been paying so much attention to big-league grifters like Steve Mnuchin and Tom Price, he's jealous he's not getting the credit he deserves! Cowboy Z can grift too, y'know!
Boy, can he! The Z-man seems to have steered a 300 million dollar contract to a couple of good ol' boys back home. One day, you're running a two-man outfit with absolutely zero experience in restoring power in a disaster zone, the next you're living the high life, paying folks $462 an hour, even threatening to stop working if the local government doesn't stop criticizing your corruption!
And that the company, Whitefish, is financed by major Trump donors/pals-of-Zinke? Just another coincidence, folks. It's not as though your executive branch is just one big organized crime ring giddily distributing your tax money amongst their cheap grifter pals or anything.
...wait.
The bipartisan Alexander-Murray ACA stabilization bill got a CBO score that says it'll cut the deficit by billions without all the pesky murder from the GOP-only versions, but will McConnell and Ryan even allow a vote? Who knows? Especially now that Hatch-Brady popped up with more of that poor-murderin' action that conservatives love so much.
Shartboy's ducking out of a major international summit in the Philippines that had been scheduled for his coming Asia trip, because he is too old/fat/tired/stupid/lazy/sharty to actually do his job. DONNIE TWO-SCOOPS HAS GOLF, YOU GUYS. GOLF'S NOT GONNA GOLF ITSELF, Y'KNOW.
...and if nations like China and Russia gleefully step into the void left by our President's slacker indifference? Fuck you, America. Your President simply does not care.
Speaking of international diplomacy, our new ambassador to Canada has looked at climate science from Both Sides, Now...and finds them more or less equal, which is NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS, YOU DIZZY TWIT.
Will Justin Trudeau find it insulting that we've sent an ambassador that couldn't pass third grade? Hope not. If he starts takin' pointers from the North Koreans...we got trouble, friends.
Oh, look at this. Another politically motivated murder by a deranged Drumpf supporter. Actually killed his own dad. Hey, if we're not too busy leaving refugees to die in war zones in order to placate paranoid dumbasses, maybe we can talk about the rapidly-expanding problem of deranged, radicalized-by-the-right-wing-internet, rage-filled, murderous, shitsack white boys?
See where Precious Paul Manafort is now under investigation by the Manhattan U.S. attorney's office for money laundering? For the kids keeping score at home, that's a STATE-level charge, so Boss Shart has none of that magic pardoning power, and therefore this particular news surely sent more than a few sets of testicles shrinking into hiding.
...shines a little light on why Don the Con has been personally interviewing U.S. attorney candidates, though.
In a little bit of good news, the Jane Doe in federal immigration detention was granted the right to have the abortion she was always legally entitled to, despite the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES fighting tooth and nail to prevent it. Mike Pence must've been too busy to barge into the room and personally tackle the doctor, I guess. Probably masturbating to photographs of aging, unadopted, house pets.
And hey, Kid Rock won't actually be running for the Senate, that counts as a win, right? Shit, TWO good news stories in one blog post? I may just celebrate with a pouch of freeze-dried chocolate pudding from the fallout shelter I'm building!
Princess Ivanka's campaigning her ass off for the tax "reform" bill that'll save her millions, demonstrating more dedication than she's shown for any other issue that's grabbed her fancy to date, isn't that WEIRD?
Meanwhile we learned that the DNC took over bankrolling the opposition research that resulted in the famous Piss Dossier once Republicans gave up and went Full Fascist. This is otherwise known as Politics as Usual, but golly, Smallhands Magoo and his craven media surrogates are celebrating like he cast off this whole Russia thang once and for all.
Heh. Let 'em, says I. Mueller's still on the job. If the indictments come as a shocking surprise, well...that's just sprinkles on the cupcake.
In contrast, we learned that the Shart Campaign's data team at Cambridge Analytica went to Julian Assange for some of those sweet, sweet, hacked Clinton e-mails, which is, y'know, a CRIME. Assange even confirmed it, but I guess the deal fell apart when Cambridge proved incapable of smuggling a hooker carrying nine boxes of Julian's favorite Little Debbie Snack Cakes into the Ecuadorian embassy where he's hiding like a coward from rape charges.
Let's check in on the Perpetual Motion Trumpal Nut-Punching Machine we call "Polling." Still the least popular president ever? Check. Record low in the Fux Gnuz poll? Check. Underwater in fucking INDIANA? Check. Oh, and the Fux poll had Dems up on the generic congressional ballot...by FIFTEEN points.
The Candycorn Skidmark gave a little impromptu press conference today, talking mostly about great and smart he is (as we all know, the one true hallmark of intelligence is repeated declarations of intelligence. Isaac Newton was notorious for his "Smarter than you, dumbass!" t-shirts.) He shit on Flake a bit, and that one war widow lady, too, and reminded us that his daddy bought him a spot in a fancy college.
He says he has one of "greatest memories of all time," which is particularly comical coming from the guy who frequently wanders out of signing ceremonies without remembering to sign the fucking bill they threw the whole fucking ceremony for in the first place.
As questions mount relating to the disastrous terrorist ambush in Niger, your Commander in Chief wants you to know that come hell or high or water...he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Civilian oversight of the military has been reduced to "I told you, do whatever the fuck you want, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GOLFING," heaven help us all.
Ben Carson hasn't been in the news much lately, but don't worry, he's still a huge festering asshole.
ACA premiums are going up, an average of 34% for silver plans, which Baron Golfin von Fatfuk somewhat hilariously imagines he won't be blamed for.
Hey, the government wants to double the prices to gain entry to a bunch of national parks, isn't that somethin'? Even the MOTHERFUCKING OUTDOORS is only for rich people now! "Oh, you wanted to partake of our nation's majestic natural beauty? Well, you shoulda made more $$$$$, you fucking PARASITE! STOP BREATHING MY AIR, TAKER!"
And looka here, the Republican candidate for Virginia governor is closing out the race with an ad supporting...Confederate monuments? And to think, some say the GOP is out of ideas.
And of course, Team Shart STILL refuses to actually implement the Russia sanctions passed into law, because they are in no way beholden to Uncle Vlad or his merry band of oligarch gangsters, WINK WINK.
Before we sign off, don't miss this NYT piece on General John Kelly...maybe not one of the worst guys, but definitely not one of the good guys.
Since it's almost Halloween, I suppose I should try to scare you a bit before I go, right? Ok, but fair warning: send the kids out of the room before you click THIS LINK.
*What the fuck are eye teeth? I don't fuckin' know. I don't fuckin' care. You can have 'em.
One Year In, O'Reilly is Already Yelling at God
Hello my loves...as always, my deepest thanks for reading, and please check out the piece with links at:
http://showercapblog.com/not-even-one-year-bill-oreilly-already-yelling-god/
My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster.
So Comrade Shart keeps ignoring deadlines to impose legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, but he somehow found time to ban Bill Browder, one of Uncle Vlad's very least favorite people, from entering the United States.
Browder is one of the leading advocates for the Magnitsky Act sanctions that keep fucking Vlad and his Merry Band of Oligarchs so very, very hard. So they fabricated some bullshit charges, sent 'em to Interpol, and Donald said "Yes boss, should I stooge out some more undercover operatives for ya today?" and Vlad chuckled and said "That won't be necessary...but I will require you to DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!"
And Lindsey Graham's over in the corner, going "Golly Gee, my golfin' pal Don seems to have a 'blind spot' when it comes to Russia, and dip my balls in a bucket of ice cold sweet tea if I can figure out what it is!"
Fuck you, Lindsey.
So I guess we're putting nuke-armed planes back on 24-hour alert, for the first time since Bell Biv DeVoe was charting? That's neat. You thought DR. STRANGELOVE was satire? WELL, YOU'RE LIVIN' IN IT NOW, CUUUUUUUUCKS!
Brad Parscale, digital director of the Shart Campaign, voted "Most Likely to Lie Under Oath" by his peers, gets his turn in front of the House Intelligence Committee soon. Don't worry, Brad. I'm sure it's just the latest zany coincidence, how all those Russian fake gnus sites micro-targeted their Pizzagate stories so dang well.
John McCain went on The View to sing a little song about Il Douche that went something like:
Lied about spurs on his bony bony
Dodging that draft cuz he's such a phony
And then all the hosts asked "Hey, that orange-tinted fellow keeps threatening you, are you a-scurred of him at all?" and Senator McCain just laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.
We all understand how being laughed at sends SCROTUS into fits, so you know the pure, unadulterated, joyous, amusement radiating off Senator McCain at the mere thought of perceiving him as even the teeeeeniest bit frightening left him shaking his wee, inadequate, fists at the heavens in impotent rage.
(All the nuclear codes in the world won't make a man out of you, Donald. And every human being on earth knows it.)
Couple this with the article in the Post about how everyone in congress views the Shart of the Deal as a blundering nincompoop who can't be trusted, who knows fuckall about anything, LEAST OF ALL DEALMAKING, HAR HAR HAR, just a rube they manipulate like a spoiled child, and you can't help but wonder whether or not Velveeta Goebbels understands that he's become the most mocked man on Earth.
Scott Pruitt's hiring a bunch of new security guards, allegedly due to threats received from talking cartoon animals from Fern Gully movies. No money for Meals on Wheels, but there are millions lying around for Scotty 2 Haughty, who feels fancier with his own personal, shittier, Secret Service. Got it.
Pruitt gets a private army, Zinke gets his own flag...what next? Maybe Wilbur Ross sets up a bear-baiting pit in the Herbert C. Hoover Building lobby?
Bill O'Reilly is 31 flavors of pissed off that the world found out about his $32 million Pervert Payoff. Apparently it's a massive "hit job" by the dirty librul media to make him look bad?
Meanwhile, the rest of America is STILL trying to figure out what level of depravity a man has to sink to to necessitate a THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLAR PAYOUT.
THIRTY-TWO MILLION. I've typed and erased some genuinely horrifying speculations from this paragraph. Is there, like, video of O'Reilly eating Sean Hannity's asshole after some sort of horrific spicy burrito challenge?
What's publicly known about this settlement already heavily implies rape. A "nonconsensual sexual relationship." That's what's already out there. And somehow, there's something else, something worth THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS to cover up.
My brain is literally refusing to contemplate this further. Whatever Bill-O is hiding, it must be...god, I don't even want to pick a word to end this sentence. SHUDDER.
(Oh fucking hell. While I'm writing tonight, I see that Bill O'Reilly, a dude who is WIDELY accused of serial sexual abuse, is now blaming God for his troubles. God. Motherfucking GOD. Bill O'Reilly, Lifelong Jagoff Pervert, is mad at YAHWEH ABOVE ALL for whatever nastiness led him to sign off on a 32 MILLION DOLLAR PERVERT SETTLEMENT. I retire, folks. I can't top that shit.)
Moving on. The Marmalade Shartcannon continues his passionate devotion to the one issue that drives him above all others; attacking black women who have the audacity to criticize him.
In this case, that seems to mean using the full force of the famed Presidential bully pulpit to shit on the 24-year-old widow of a soldier killed serving his country.
Folks, I know we're barely nine months into this unceasing, hurricane-grade, shitshow, and we sort of expect some new atrocity to manifest daily, but lest we become numb to the mendacious, casually racist, lazy evil of this regime, read that last sentence a couple more times to give it the weight it deserves.
The President of the United States, having caused a Gold Star widow unnecessary pain with his insensitive "condolence" call, rather than apologizing, or even just moving on with his life, decided to call her a liar. Publicly. Loudly.
Why? Why is the Commander in Chief taking time out of what ought to be a busy day just to attack a woman who wasn't even allowed to open her husband's casket, such was the state of his remains? Does he have nothing better to do? With millions of American citizens STILL without power in Puerto Rico?
How warped with racist hate do you have to be to make the decision our President made this morning, lying in bed with his phone, to tweet that attack on a grieving private citizen? And yeah, let's be honest about the racism at work here...Eminem dumped on him in front of an audience of MILLIONS, and Shartboy didn't say a thing. But a black woman, backed up by a a black, female member of Congress? THAT cannot pass uncontested.
...I'm just tired of being governed by a Walking Sack of Shit, is all I'm saying. A man who sees "very fine people" in a gathering of Nazi terrorists, but an enemy in a fallen soldier's grieving wife.
Ex-Congressdeadbeat Joe Walsh spent the day fighting for his God-given inalienable right to shit on a family that gave more for their country than he ever will, surprising exactly nobody who recalls his race against Tammy Duckworth.
Look Joe, of COURSE you have the right to attack Myeshia Johnson. Shit, you have the RIGHT to wander the halls of a pediatric cancer ward, eating ice cream you refuse to share and taunting the patients with all the things you get to do that they don't; it just makes you an enormous asshole.
Walsh is like one of those College Republican fratboys who act like the freedom of the entire Republic hinges on their personal right to use the N word.
As a super-fun sidebar to the Niger story, I guess it turns out that our Senators didn't even know we had troops deployed there in the first place? Even Lindsey Graham, who has a complete set of Topps International Quagmire trading cards autographed by the commanding officers of each debacle, has been caught unawares.
I guess electing a know-nothing with a "Whatever You Want, General" approach to civilian oversight of the military wasn't the best idea. HUH.
Also, Melania launched her anti-bullying campaign today. Are there any available jokes left on this topic? I don't get these posts up until relatively late in the day, and I have to assume every inch of this particular field is well-trampled by now.
We're getting a bunch of stories lately about how the GOP, so vigorous in their pursuit of "oversight" just one short year ago, seem curiously uninterested in monitoring the crimes of the executive branch these days, even as Jared Kushner leaves the office with pockets bulging with Revolutionary War-era silverware every night.
Apparently Elijah Cummings has been pestering Gowdy Doody to investigate those private e-mails Jar-Jar and Ivanka were using (you remember, the ones they hastily moved to Trump Organization servers once the media discovered them), which is weird, because you'd think Trey would be all over this, I seem to remember him getting REALLY worked up about private e-mail use in the past. Maybe I'm confused.
You sort of want to see a buddy cop show starring Cummings and Gowdy, where Elijah continually presses his partner to investigate crimes, but Trey refuses unless the alleged perpetrator is Hillary Clinton. At the end of every episode, America dies a little.
See that Politico story about all the fucktons of money Democratic candidates are raising for 2018 elections, and how much piss is accumulating in the collective pants of Republicans who have to face voters with "Hey, I know the President spends a lot of time golfing and defending Nazi terrorists, but at least we passed no bills that matter, vote for meeeeeeeohgodIknowhowstupiditsoundstoevenask," with at least 162 candidates raising more than 100 grand already? GODDAMN THAT IS A SEXXXY STORY, IS IT NOT?
I don't know about y'all, Resisters, but I am SEXUALLY AROUSED for the rapidly approaching opportunity to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Oh God, it's just over a year away now, but I think I need to put some Marvin Gaye on. Unnnnnnnnnnnh.
I missed this one, but it looks like the Army Reserve, despite missing recruiting goals, has banned green card holders from enlisting, because racism is more important than security to the turdworms governing our country.
...sleep tight.
Knowing that the massive giveaway to the wealthy donor class their tax plan proposes will be frowned upon by the rubes who happily ate all those platefuls of horseshit Orange Julius Caesar fed them on the campaign trail, Republicans have decided to fall back on their one tried n' true tactic: lying with shit-eating grins on their faces.
The standard line is that the "average" family will magically have $4,000 extra, through the magic of trickle-down economics, which will totally work this time, unlike all the other times.
The line also fudges a bit on the whole "average" thing. Yes, Secretary Mnuchin will save enough money to keep his trophy wife hanging around a year or two after the viagra stops working, and Donnie Dotard's shitty devolved children will save enough to build a compound in some third world nation without an extradition treaty, but you? Shit, Dawg! Go ahead, splurge! Get sprinkles on that donut. Replace the laces in your work shoes. If you wanna get real nutz, take the whole family to the movies, just don't order large sodas. POPULISM!
And Republicans in Iowa threw in the towel on their latest attempt to "restructure" Obamacare, having run into the same problem Republicans always encounter in their health care fuckery: how to take coverage away from their constituents while still avoiding blame for all the death n' stuff. Call it the How Can We Get Them to Thank Us For Unplugging Gramma Conundrum.
Anyway, I'm tired, and I can't think of a funny way to wrap up tonight's post, FOR WHICH I BLAME GOD. Go about your business, all ye Resisters, all ye Cucks.
John Kelly is a Bad Guy, Richard Spencer is a Terrorist, and What Betsy DeVos is We Dont Have a Wor
Hullo friends...as always, the post is available with links n' goodies at:
http://showercapblog.com/john-kelly-bad-guy-richard-spencer-terrorist-betsy-devos-dont-word-yet/
Hey everybody, I'm pleased to announce a Kickstarter for the very first piece of Official Shower Cap Merch! It's the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension, just in time for Halloween! Simply grind your teeth in flustered resentment to trigger sensors at the temples, and your Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension will pontificate at length about the Laziness of Janitors, Why He Can't Be Friends With Brown People, or "Will Some Woman Please Touch Me, Just So I Can Finally Learn What It's Like, I Have Money."
I see Ol' Dubya gave a little speech, with the surprisingly-controversial theme of "Hey, maybe we shouldn't all be racist idiot jagoff hatemongers," which Steve Bannon derided as "high-falutin."
High-falutin.
This then, is the rift in the modern GOP: Team Less Hate, Maybe? versus Team TOLERANCE IS COASTAL ELITIST CUCKISM THE FOUNDERS DIDN'T TELL US WHOSE LAWN WE CAN OR CAN'T BURN CROSSES ON.
Darth Wino was vomiting up his acidic bile for a gathering of feral California Republicans, who helpfully shouted "HANG HIM" at the mention of Senator John McCain's name.
I admit to a level of fascination at the kind of person who walks around this earth with words like "HANG HIM" on the tip of their tongue. I mean, I'm pretty passionate about this shit, but I tend to dwell mainly in "USE CONSTITUTIONAL MEANS TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE" territory. But then, I am a Cuck.
We're learning more and more about the debacle in Niger, and there are some ugly failures of leadership here, which I'm sure Gowdy Doody, an old hand at these kinds of investigations, will hold the White House and the Pentagon accountable for.
HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHAHAHHHAHAHHA. Isn't it neat that simply suggesting Republicans hold themselves to the standards they set for their opponents is a joke? Just by itself?
The Sunny D-Bag has been personally interviewing US Attorney candidates for districts where he's likely to face prosecution for his many, many, crimes, and not just those committed against Perfectly Good Steaks.
Candidates are administered questionnaires asking them to rank crimes on a scale from "Jaywalking" to "Hillary's E-mails," with perhaps-leading entries like "An itsy-bitsy bit of Russian collusion because you just wanted to make America great again so dang much" or "Grabbing them by the pussy, which is automatically consensual when you're a star."
Speaking of Shart Garfunkel's enormous legal troubles, word is he's pledging $430,000 of his own money to pay Russia-investigation-related legal fees for his underlings, because why half-ass corruption, right? Direct bribes to potential witnesses against him, and it's barely a story. I miss arguing about the size of Obama's flag pin.
Well, if y'all believe that "pledge," go for it. Maybe you can get the Washington Post to shame him into paying up down the road, but if I were you I'd rent an apartment near a pawn shop, for convenience's sake.
Richard Spencer gave a little speech down in Florida. Well, it was supposed to be a speech, it turned out to be mostly lil' Richie standing on a stage whining about all the protesters who came out to yell at him for being such a dickless loser.
A particular high point came when Spencer, with all the genius one would expect from a leader of the master race, opened the floor for a question-and-answer session, apparently unprepared for the entirely predictable onslaught of mockery he unleashed on himself. Topics ranged from "How do you like being punched, you punchable punching bag, you?" to "How do you pee without a dick?" to "If you're so racially superior, why do you look like a foot with a Lego Man's haircut?"
Oh, did I mention the Nazi terrorists? Can't forget the Nazi terrorists.
Because ONCE AGAIN a Spencer speech was accompanied by, say it together, folks: NAZI TERRORISTS. The University of Florida had to pony up 600 grand for extra security, because wherever Spencer goes, he's accompanied by a band of violent, knuckle-dragging morons, because he is the spokesman for a TERRORIST MOVEMENT.
Anyway, a trio of NAZI TERRORISTS (are these the "very fine people" SHARTUS was talking about?" gave Nazi salutes, shouted some racist shit, and fired a gun into a crowd of human beings. They've been arrested, so at least a few more NAZI TERRORISTS are off the streets.
So yeah, I'm pretty much done with talking about the free speech rights of a guy who drags an entourage of murderous thugs with him wherever he goes. This isn't breaking fucking news, people...the Nazi/Klan/White Supremacist movement is, and always has been, an extremely violent one, with genocidal goals, and I submit Their Entire History Up To and Including This Week as my evidence. Maybe we should stop spending hundreds of thousands of dollars facilitating events where these NAZI TERRORISTS can gather to share recipes and try to murder people? CONTROVERSIAL, I KNOW.
Somebody sold the Human Garbage Pail Kid a fake Renoir, but the Art Institute of Chicago has the real one. God, if I knew then what I know now, I would've spent my entire life to this point selling Donald Trump fake art. Dumbfuck rube obsessed with outward status symbols, utterly lacking in knowledge or taste? Jesus. I could've made MILLIONS. You could sell him a photograph of a painting and he'd think it was real. I'VE WASTED MY LIFE.
Betsy DeVos rescinded 72 regulations designed to protect the rights of students with disabilities, because she's a monster. No jokes, she's just a horrible human being. What the fuck can you joke about? Under DeVos, the Department of Education has given MORE rights to campus rapists, and taken rights away from disabled kids.
Did you know that in her middle school production of OLIVER!, Betsy only auditioned for the role of the Mean Lady in the Orphanage who gets mad when Oliver asks for more gruel? She wrote a whole new song for the character, about how orphans are Takers and Drags on Society and should probably just be culled, but her teacher wouldn't let her sing it, because even at age eleven, young Betsy radiated an evil that made audiences uncomfortable.
We were all clinging desperately to the notion that there were a couple of grown-ups surrounding and restraining our Idiot Manchild President, folks with enough fundamental decency to reign in the chintzy mob family looting our nation before they set the whole fucking planet on fire, but John Kelly really took a smelly dump on that fantasy this week, didn't he?
Kelly solemnly told a tale of the Very Bad Awfulness of Representative Frederica Wilson, who he claimed gave a speech bragging about single-handedly funding and building a shiny new FBI field office, before going off on lengthy tangents about how much she can bench and how most FBI agents are fat and stupid and whine about how itchy the wire they have to wear is when they have to go undercover.
And of course a video turned up about ten minutes later proving Kelly to be full of USDA-certified, grass-fed, Grade A bullshit. Stood in front of the whole damn country and indignantly told a big, stupid, useless, rapidly disproven lie. And why? To cover for his dumbfuck, puddinghead boss, who has declared Representative Wilson an Enemy of the People for the high crime of Criticizing Donald Trump While Black and Female.
(Kelly also lamented that we no longer held women "sacred," or some other Neanderthal idiocy, before going back to work facilitating the agenda of the grotesque old pervert who likes to brag about barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms to ogle naked teenagers.)
Of course you knew you could count on Sarah Huckabee Sanders to condescendingly declare that it's "highly inappropriate" to disagree with a 4 star general, even when he's caught, pants-down and rosy-cheeked, in a total falsehood.
SHS always has just that tiny burning glint in the corner of her otherwise-dead eyes, the glint fueled by the belief that though she must, for now, tolerate these mewling fools and their "press freedoms," their "transparency," their precious "First Amendment," her boss has promised her the opportunity to reign over the Washington Post as their new Editor-in-Chief/Commandant when their headquarters is repurposed as a concentration camp once shit finally gets real.
Am I going too far with the Nazi gags on poor Sarah? Fuck her. White House Press Secretary stands in front of the nation, and the world, saying we have no right to question a military leader? (Shit, we can even set aside the context where Kelly was clearly, objectively, lying.) It's pure fucking fascism, and we will teach our children, and our children's children, about what a giddy little fascist you were, Sarah, so that they'll know what a fascist looks like the next time they come knocking.
AND SPEAKING OF FASCISM (I can't tell you how gloomy it makes me to be able to use that phrase to transition between news stories, but we are where we are) the wife of Deposed HHS Capo Tom Price, a Georgia State Representative, wants to quarantine Americans with HIV!
I swear, these people are positively HORNY to open up camps. Like, it's been their bucket list fantasy all along, the sort of thing they'd wistfully muse upon at Hamptons fundraisers..."Y'know what I'd REALLY like to do...but ah, such things went out of fashion with Lindbergh, I suppose."
Anyhow. Now Team Shart's scrambling to create the appearance that they give half a fuck about the men and women they send overseas to die, overnighting hastily-scrawled "condolence" letters to the families of other soldiers killed during their term, not because of any genuine sense of compassion or appreciation, but because they lied and told everyone they already had.
Our crack team of investigative journalists were able to obtain one of these letters, reproduced here:
Please enjoy this coupon good for 35% off a side of scampi at your local Red Lobster, not valid during holidays or weekends, and I've told Mike Pompeo to personally monitor your Cheddar Bay Biscuit intake, so don't even think about taking advantage of my Presidential generosity just because your husband/father/son died in service to his country, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO.
Roy Moore failed to disclose half a million dollars on his campaign filings, breaking the law. For a Senate candidate, Moore breaks the law a LOT. Actually, for just an average, run-of-the-mill human being, Moore breaks the law a lot. But hey, he hates the gays, and Alabama gets two Senators, so I guess he'll be making laws soon. Yay.
(OR you can help Doug Jones teach the Bannonites of the world a valuable lesson. DONATE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.)
The five living ex-Presidents gathered together in a moving show of bipartisan unity, appearing side-by-side to raise funds for hurricane victims, while the current President...went golfing. Again. Fucker Golfs so much you wonder how he finds to time to whinge incessantly at the suffering Americans in Puerto Rico for making him look bad.
WaPo dropped the latest entry in the exhausting Real Muricans Who Don't Give a Fuck How Reprehensible Drumpf is So Long as he Keeps Stickin' It to the Browns, this time focusing on I Got My Hurricane Relief, Fuck Puerto Rico. The star of the piece is a surly old turd who didn't even have flood insurance, landed 14 grand in free money from the government, and still bitches about the lack of "responsibility" of his fellow Americans in the exact same situation, only browner.
These must be those "Values Voters" I'm always hearing about.
See where Tangerine Idi Amin's latest executive order allows the military to draft retired pilots? You kinda wonder if, the moment Mueller starts dropping indictments, Donnie Dotard will just throw a dart at a map and order the carpet bombing of, oh, let's say Peru.
The Failing New York Times let us know Fux Gnus renewed Serial Pervert Bill O'Reilly's contract, even gave him a raise, after a 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
I've gotten used to the ever-increasing levels of depravity throughout the course of this massively fucked-up year, folks, but I cannot fathom what 32 million dollars worth of sexual harassment looks like. I bet Mike Pence locked himself in his office for an unusually-vigorous sandpaper-and-bacon-grease wank session just IMAGINING what the fuck Bill O'Reilly was willing to shell out THIRTY-TWO MILLION BUCKS to hide.
Fox has reportedly spent over $100,000,000 settling sexual harassment lawsuits. Well, that explains why they can't afford to do any actual journalism.
Anyway, Fox dutifully spent the rest of the week ignoring this news to focus on how Harvey Weinstein personally wrote a third of the text of the ACA. Or maybe just putting fake veterans on the air to praise their fake President. Who knows? Who cares?
Well, I've got to get back to work on the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension. It's got this glitch where it keeps screaming about "blood and soil," I dunno what that's about. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Resisters!
Maybe We Should Just Be Grateful for the 44 Presidents Who DIDN'T Shit on Gold Star Families
Hiya folks. As always, feel free to check out the post on the site:
http://showercapblog.com/maybe-just-grateful-44-presidents-didnt-shit-gold-star-families/
We keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don't we? The class, the intellect. The way he actually knew things about policy. The absence of white supremacists in key advisory positions. The way he never seemed to want to goad anybody into starting a nuclear war. That little certain..."something" he had about him, where he'd never tell a Gold Star father that he was going to send him a bunch of money and then just flat fucking not do it.
Standards, they change.
Well, let's document the madness...they say that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and I sure as shit don't want to repeat any of this garbage.
Always nice to see The Mooch squeeze out another nanosecond of fame, even if it does involve sending out a "Can I Get a WUT WUT From All the Holocaust Deniers Up in Here?!?" Twitter poll.
Wait, did I say nice? I meant "dry-heave inducing." Honest mistake.
Orange Julius Caesar took to the PolyMatric Twitter Machine to boast about prototypes for his Big Stupid Wall. He's SUPER proud, even though he hasn't secured any funding for said Big Stupid Wall, and his track record for getting what he wants out of congress is...somewhat less than sublime.
Ah well. I hope he gets his hopes way, way up for this.
The Shart's pick to head up the DEA withdrew his nomination, for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that a WaPo/60 Minutes exposé busted him for pushing a bullshit law that made drug companies richer from killing Americans with over-prescribed opioids. Why our President is outsourcing the vetting of his high-level appointments to the allegedly "fake" news media is anybody's guess.
Young Jar-Jar has hired another lawyer, a dude who previously represented Hulk Hogan and Harvey Weinstein, because of course he did.
Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops fell 92 spots on Forbes Magazine's Rich Fuckers List, with wealth shrinkage to the tune of 600 billion dollars, SAD. You know this pissed the President of the United States off more than, say, millions of his constituents suffering without power or clean water, because we're governed by a man with the priorities of Scrooge McDuck's evil doppelgänger from the mirror universe.
Still, I laughed.
Apparently it was Spicey's turn under the hot lights of Robert Mueller's investigation. Sources say Spicer attempted to synch his story with that of former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, but that Reince's testimony amounted primarily to uncontrollable sobbing and pleas for mercy.
Tangerine Idi Amin continues his feud with Senator John McCain, because I guess General Kelly still hasn't told his boss where impeachment trials take place. Littlefinger's mad because McCain gave a speech suggesting that America was maybe a little bit better than a cheap dumbfuck Nazi and his dotard nationalism, and Don was all "I resemble that remark!' Drumpf made a few threats, which is kinda cute at this point, like, "Aw, after 9 solid months of nonstop losing, he thinks people are afraid him. Who's a big, scary President? YOU are!"
Belligerent Traitor Mike Flynn's lunatic son is getting subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee. I hope they set up some sort of windshield before Junior's testimony, because he's a raving, slobbering, lunatic, even by the standards of the 2017 GOP.
Speaking of malicious dumbasses, didja see where Roy Moore said the kneeling during the anthem is ILLEGAL? It's fun how everybody in the GOP endorsed a guy for the Senate who neither understands nor believes in the first amendment. We're just having all kinds of zany new debates these days!
Still, a poll showed Moore tied with his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones. And sure, it was "registered voters" not "likely voters," but maybe we've stumbled across the one dude who's Too Crazy for Alabama. Shit, David Vitter lost the Louisiana governor's race a little while back, right?
...especially since the story broke about Moore's "charity" taking donations from a literal Nazi. A Holocaust-denying NAZI. Is it really asking so much that our Senators don't take money from Nazis? I mean, I understand that standards have lowered over the last year and a half, but surely, SURELY we can all agree that a guy who doesn't like the First Amendment, refuses to obey the rule of law, AND TAKES MONEY FROM FUCKING NAZIS doesn't belong in the United States Senate.
...donate to Doug Jones, is what I'm saying.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag laments that it's "very hard not to give tax cuts to the wealthy" I hear you, bud. I was feeding the cat this morning, and I accidentally cut the capital gains tax almost 6%, without really realizing I was doing it. I created a new loophole just for the Kochs and Mercers while warming up a Hot Pocket last Wednesday. Shit, I even let an insurance program that provides health care to 9 million vulnerable children expire just last...oh hang on, that wasn't me, that was Congress.
Y'know how everybody said the Velveeta Urinal Cake's ACA sabotage would lead to large premium increases? Well, his ACA sabotage has lead to large premium increases. In, fittingly, key swing states that voted for him. Of course, he tweeted "NOT MY FAULT," which will surely solve this problem just like it solved all of Puerto Rico's hurricane relief problems.
Shartboy's Muslim ban version three has been held up in court (a couple of courts, actually), despite the fake mustache and glasses Stephen Miller slapped on the latest version to make it look like Not a Muslim Ban at All. So not all the news is bad.
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee for another round of questioning. It went more or less like last time...Sessions refusing to answer the most important questions because...well, he's the nation's top law enforcement official, and what's he gonna do, prosecute himself?
It's always fun to watch Al Franken grill Ol' Beau for that whole lying-under-oath thing. Sessions gets all fake-mad like he's about to march across the floor and slap Franken with a white glove, but he knows he'd wind up with his ass kicked, so he just whimpers indignantly.
Well, General Kelly finally pried his boss away from the golf course long enough to do his job for a few minutes, making condolence calls to the families of the soldiers killed in Niger a couple of weeks (and many many games of golf) ago. Kelly urged the President to demonstrate empathy, but Drumpf sneered "there you go making up words again, John. Get me a taco bowl."
And by now you've heard how this call went.
"Wow, I bet that stinks, having a dead husband. But c'mon, he knew what he has getting into. Fuck, that's why I made up fake bone spurs, to dodge the draft so I wouldn't be sent to die in some shithole by an uncaring fuckhead like myself. This reminds me of the guy I got killed in Yemen, I should send a fruit basket. So long as I don't have to pay for it. Anyway. You got your call, this'll really help get the media off my back, so you're welcome!"
And of course all Presidential sympathy goes out the window once the criticism goes public, so Sgt. La David Johnson's reward for his sacrifice is to have his surviving family turned into enemies of the state because to Il Douche, Dying in the Line of Duty matters significantly less than Smooching the Presidential Buttocks.
And almost immediately, we found out that Sharty McFly promised a DIFFERENT grieving military family that he'd personally write them a $25,000 check...and then, instead of following through...didn't. Just kept on golfin' and lyin' and golfin' and golfin', because promising charitable donations that he refuses to actually deliver is second nature to the man.
The Shart House was positively indignant that the librul media would take the President to task for FUCKING WITH A MAN WHO LOST HIS SON IN AFGHANISTAN, and they totally put the check in the mail as soon as they learned the media had the story. HOW DARE YOU, LIBRUL MEDIA?
This all surfaced the same day NPR let us know the Shart's L.A. golf club also fibbed a bit about their charitable giving. What's "a bit?" Oh, just a few million. Who among us hasn't taken credit for millions of dollars worth of charitable donations that we didn't actually make?
According to CNN, some GOP types think it's time to wrap up all this Russian collusion investigation hullabaloo, because unlike say, Benghazi, this particular line of inquiry is A) Based in actual fact and B) Bad for Republicans rather than Democrats. I forget, when was the last time one of these fucks asked for STILL ANOTHER investigation into Hillary's e-mails?
And ICE wants to use more private prison cells for the undocumented immigrants they're rounding up, because while using the full weight of the American law enforcement apparatus to enforce and inflict systemic institutional racism is reward enough for a White Supremacist Ideologue like Jeff Sessions, there's no reason you shouldn't take advantage of the situation and throw a few bucks at your donors in the private prison industry! It's Shitty White Guy Multi-tasking!
Oh, and the Trump Administration went to court to prevent an undocumented immigrant in detention from getting an abortion.
Wait, what?
THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WENT TO MOTHERFUCKING COURT TO PREVENT AN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT IN DETENTION FROM GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING ABORTION?!?!?!
Fortunately, the ACLU won the case, and a judge ordered the government to allow the immigrant (a teenager, for fuck's sake!) to have the procedure.
Jeff Sessions, you Mississippi-Burning-the-Musical reject, keep your grubby little mittens out of women's bodies! I mean that mostly figuratively, but literally too, you creepy little Hate Elf.
A major pro-Trump Twitter account purporting to be some spittle-drenched gang of Tennessee Republicans turned out to be straight-up run by professional, government-paid Russian trolls, isn't that neat? More than 100,000 Rube followers, hot-n-horny to be misled by a hostile foreign power looking to fuck America's shit up. Uncle Vlad thanks you for your service, Rubes.
Neater still, a bunch of high-ranking officials in the Shart campaign spread propaganda from this Russian troll account in the waning days of the 2016 clusterfuck. Hey, Kellyanne, collaborate much?
I just want to extend a special thanks to our countrymen over in the Cult45 Rube Army, it really takes a special kind of asshole to collaborate so willingly with a foreign enemy! The Russkie plan to Weaponize our Morons wouldn't be possible without all you Morons.
I guess Peter Navarro, one of the idiots you don't hear much about, circulated a "document" through the government that was really just a couple of chintzy power point slides claiming we need to blow up trade deals or something because losing manufacturing jobs causes every ill from spousal abuse to Sense8's cancellation.
Shame you guys don't have any actual plans to bring manufacturing jobs back, innit? (Beyond, of course, simply claiming you already have, regardless of the truth.)
Hey, now you can see Pence 4 Less! Nobody wants to watch Number Two iron his hairshirt in Denver, so prices are dropping fast! This comes hot on the heels of a humiliatingly-poorly attended rally for Ed Gillespie in Virginia, so I think Mikey should probably cancel that headlining tour. Maybe he can open for Starship on the State Fair circuit.
...yeah, I miss Obama, alright. There were a lot less Nazis, for one. And Sense8 was on.
Secret Sex Kinks of Pence and Nunes!
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Hmmm...really just a gentle madness drizzle today, at least by current standards. As though someone lightly dusted my breakfast oatmeal with just a pinch of bath salts, spiking my OJ with a mere half-bottle of cough syrup.
Well, picking up where we left off yesterday, one last brackish belch from the "Values" Voters Summit: Shrieking Hate Grifter Michele Bachmann assured the audience of salivating rubes that the dude who grabs pussies and uses charitable donations to buy paintings of himself is a "man of faith."
If nothing else, I'm grateful to these Days of Drumpf for giving us all final permission to simply laugh like cartoon hyenas whenever the "Christian" right makes a play for the moral high ground. "Man of faith." Fuck right off.
Of course, this gets even MORE hilarious when paired with the release of that New Yorker profile of everybody's favorite Arthur Miller's The Crucible Cosplayer, Mike Pence. There's plenty of good stuff about Mikey Hairshirt being an eager Koch puppet and general assclown, but the really timely stuff involves the "Man of Faith" repeatedly mocking his running mate's religious fervor.
I'd take a shot here about the Christian Right being played for fools by a con man, but I think we're all adult enough to understand that the Venn Diagram of "Christianity" and "the Christian Right" overlaps exclusively at the point of "Charlton Heston films."
Pence, when asked to comment for this post, screamed "SHUT THE DOOR, DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" before going back to what appeared to be strapping a veal calf into a sex swing before his Chief of Staff ushered our reporter away.
I missed this one, but Cowboy Z over at Interior figures that if Republicans will believe John Podesta runs a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, then surely he can get away with saying that taking down confederate monuments will eventually wind up offending "Native Indians."
Fuck, why not? I'm not sure when Commemorating Treasonous Losers became a partisan issue, but I'm really quite confident we're on the correct side of this particular line.
I guess Government Cheese Goebbels likes to imagine he'll get to replace half the Supreme Court, because the justices are all so unhealthy. (God knows I look forward to reading Michael Cohen's trademark "Says who" in the official SCOTUS transcripts.) He then consumed another fistful of deep-fried pork rectums dipped in lard gravy, before mainlining experimental hair tonic into his eyeball.
Didja see the thing where Russian Social Media Troll School apparently involves sitting around, watching House of Cards for pointers on the workings of our political system? I bet the rest of that syllabus was full of shit like Hee Haw and YouTube videos of frat boys throwing up on each other during St. Patrick's Day weekend.
I've said it before, I'll say it again: The Russkies are weaponizing our biggest natural resource: morons.
There was another WaPo piece about all the ways Shart House staffers treat the President like an ill-tempered toddler in their never-ending struggle to keep him from dropping bombs on Cleveland because LeBron James keeps saying mean things about him. Our President really is like all the shitty kids from Willy Wonka rolled up into one, isn't he? I bet Generally Kelly drugs the second scoop, is all I'm saying.
(I do want to mention that this article points out that Secretary Mnuchbag is PARTICULARLY craven in his ass-kissing, which I find oddly satisfying.)
Forbes wonders whither went Wilbur's wayward w...billions? OBVIOUSLY he's been spinning his assets into gold in the old farmer's barn down the road from the Prince's Castle, and if the appropriate oversight committee wants to know the Commerce Secretary's true worth, then they'll just have guess his real name within three tries like everybody else.
The company that commissioned the Steele Dossier (THAT'S THE ONE WITH THE PISS TAPE) told Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes to shove his subpoena straight up his bacon-larded asshole, because Devin recused himself from the investigation, and that means you don't get to subpoena SHIT, especially since everybody knows you're just gonna take it straight to Daddy Drumpf 'cause he's promised you you can fuck the pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey this year, which is great because most of the pigs in this country have caught onto you long ago Devin, you sad little pigfucking twerp.
Business Insider tells us that during the transition, Princess Ivanka sent then-chairman Chris Christie on a McDonald's run, and told Mike Flynn he could have any job he wanted, because he was so very loyal to Daddy. That Flynn was more loyal to foreign paymasters than to the United States was a detail of no particular consequence to the Princess.
Investigators are looking into the Most Lamentable Tragedie of Peter W. Smith, that GOP operative who tried to get Hilldawg's e-mails from the Russians and then seems to have committed suicide. You forgot about him, didn't ya? That's how much shit's being constantly thrown in our faces, every single goddamn day..."Oh right, that's the story that's like, ten feet away from proving collusion, how'd that slip my mind? Oh right, all those hurricanes and nuclear war threats, silly me!"
So, almost two weeks ago, four American soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger. We can discuss the passive response of the GOP, who have previously gotten, shall we say, rather worked up over Four Americans Dying in a Terrorist Attack in Africa, but let's save that one for another night.
We have a President who makes a fair bit of noise about folks "disrespecting the troops." He tweets all the damn time, whipping his ragey little army of rubes into regular furies about people who he claims Disrespect the Troops. Steve Bannon says that Bob Corker is Disrespecting the Shit Out of Every Single Troop just by criticizing our Swollen Tick Commander in Chief at all!
Which is why it's so weird that when a soldier who died in the line of the duty arrived at Dover Air Force Base, rather than showing Respect for this man who gave his life in service to his country, the Shart was instead showing Respect for How Much He Really Likes Golfing, by, well...golfing.
In fact, we found out today that he has yet to contact the families of ANY of the soldiers who died in the ambush, and he's gone golfing a fuckton since they died. More than the goddamn pros.
So, to clarify, black men who kneel during the national anthem to draw attention to the Black Lives Matter movement? That's Disrespectful to the Troops.
But a President who, rather than contacting the families of soldiers who've made the ultimate sacrifice, rather than make a simple phone call, just golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golf and golfs and golfs...THAT'S RESPECT.
Got it.
Now, this is pretty fucking appalling all by itself, right? You'd have to a real monstrous fuckwad to find even MORE shit to throw on the substantial pile of shit you're already looking it here. It's a Jurassic Park shitpile.
...well, let it never be said that our President is an underachiever when it comes to shitty behavior. He may be leaving American citizens to choke to death on poisonous water and Skittles in Puerto Rico, but by gum, HE WILL NOT BE OUT-ASSHOLED.
So, on being confronted, ever-so-gently on the whole "Why do you have time to tweet about football players but not call Gold Star Families," Shart Garfunkel decides to vomit up the easily disproven lie that he makes such calls much more often than any of his predecessors, who really almost never did it, especially that Barack Obama, who would actually just make prank calls, after having his staff schedule them during the reception after the guy's funeral to really rub salt in the wounds.
...I'm starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than totally honest.
We got a few additional gems out of the Shart of the Deal today, including some gloating about all the people he hurt with his executive order to suspend ACA subsidy payments. There's "no such thing as Obamacare," he bragged, "It's just a story rich parents use to frighten their children with the specter of social responsibility."
There was also some whinging about the whole "Hey, you haven't actually passed one fucking bill that matters, and it's been a MINUTE, y'know?" thing. "I'm not going to blame myself," declared the Dude Who Sits Behind the Desk at Which the Buck Stops.
Shit, that's the first honest thing he's said in two years. It's the very essence of Trump and Trumpism. I wonder how it'll look a cheap-ass, made-in-Gina, red ballcap.
Anyway, we got to watch Mitch McConnell stand next the Idiot Manchild who's been tormenting him and destroying his party all year, and watch him eat another fat plateful of shit, and I don't think I'll ever get sick of that.
Hey, congrats to Callista Gingrich for getting confirmed as Ambassador to the Vatican! I hear they have some extremely non-specific views on adultery there! (Joking aside, the Bible never explicitly says Thou Shalt Not Abandon Thy Cancer-Stricken Wife on Her Death Bed When a Younger, Richer Piece Comes Along, so Noot's all clear.).
And looka here, where Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich tears the President what would would be a new asshole in most cases, but in Drumpf's I suppose would be a new mouth.
John McCain gave a speech tonight going after SCROTUS' shitty idiot nationalist worldview, during which he specifically referenced the "blood and soil" thing, which is a Nazi thing. Straight up NAZI THING. Chills your blood, doesn't it? That you can fairly quote Nazis when denouncing the President of the United States of America?
So you see? Compared to the Hey Are We About to Start a Nuclear War Days, today was calm. Boring, almost. Hardly worth mentioning at all.
Atticus Finch & Larry Flynt vs the White Supremacist "Values Voters"
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Shit's been so fucked up for so long, I totally assume that every time I check in on shit, I will find that shit to be fucked up. Day after day, insane story after insane story...I wouldn't say I'm desensitized, but I will say that I fully expect every trip through the news cycle to be basically an outtake from Lewis Carroll's bedside dream journal.
Still, even I find myself stunned by the sheer malice emanating from the White House these last few days. Its like "Wow, our government sure is working hard to...well, to HURT us. That's...different." I'm no great historian, but I'm pretty sure shit's not supposed to be like this.
The big news of course is the President of the United States of America deciding to fuck over a whole bunch of his constituents, and the whole dang American economy, in a spite-fueled tantrum, because...excuse me, sometimes the absurdity can be overwhelming, but...because we are governed by a man with no empathy whatsoever who thinks absolutely nothing of lashing out and hurting millions of human beings when he doesn't like the way he's covered on television.
In a fun bit dumbfuck jujitsu, this act of ACA sabotage will both raise middle-class premiums AND add billions to the national debt. Oh, and the cuts will disproportionally hit residents of states that voted for Trump, so let me take a moment to congratulate the Rube Army for facilitating their own future medical bankruptcies. Nice work!
Speaking of Rube Legion, Don the Con's spent over a million dollars of the money you've donated to his campaign on...HIS SHITTY FAMILY'S LAWYERS FOR THE RUSSIA PROBE! Congrats on being the easiest marks in the history of the planet, you stupid, stupid, fucks.
(Oh, and since the campaign got subpoenaed to turn over all records pertaining to the women who accused the Pussygrabber of sexual assault, you rubes can look forward to paying for THOSE lawyers, too.)
Also, the President gave a speech to a hate group, that was a thing that happened in real life.
He babbled for a bit about how he finally released all the prisoners Obama sent to the gulag for saying "Merry Christmas," to thunderous applause, for the War on Holiday Greetings is surely the greatest issue facing our nation in the 21st century.
Yup yup, all these alleged "Christians" even rolled out the red carpet for noted (excuse me, I mean "bloated" white nationalist Steve Bannon and America's doughiest Nazi, Seb Gorka.
"Dr." Gorka whipped the pious attendees into a frenzy at the thought of "how much more damage we can do them as private citizens" (them being us dastardly libtards) since getting fired from their Shart House posts, because if there's one thing Jesus was totally all about, it was harming your neighbor. That's a Commandment now. Bannon's writing a new Bible. With Milo. In stores this Xmas season.
And Darth Wino gave the crowd, whose patriotism is exactly as real as their Christianity, permission to extend the phony shield of "insulting the troops" to not just NFL kneelers, but Senators who have such sinful, troops-hating natures as to disparage the President! Isn't that a neat trick? By next Thursday, all critical speech will be labeled Anti-The-Troops, giving the shrieking legions of Cult45 something else to pretend to be angry about on social media. Wheeeee.
I think I'm gonna adopt this tactic myself, actually. Anytime anybody disagrees with me about anything, I'm going to indignantly insist it's an assault on our troops. "Oh, you prefer 7Up to Sprite? WHY DO YOU HATE THE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM WHO FIGHT AND DIE TO PROTECT THE SUPERIOR LIMON FLAVORED SOFT DRINK?!?"
Anyway, getting back to Klan rally. Todd Starnes accused the left of wanting to "criminalize masculinity." Yes, well...at least when that day comes, you need not fear, Todd-o.
Hey look, the director of the National Background Investigations Bureau says that Jared Kushner's dishonesty on his security clearance forms is totally unprecedented! Congrats, Jar-Jar, you're finally the best at something!
So, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has a flag. He had his own personal flag made, which flies over Interior's HQ when he's in the building. This is a totally normal thing for Cabinet secretaries to do* and is not at all Cowboy Z laying the groundwork to become Immortan of Zinkestan once President Manbaby gets Stephen Miller to undo the childproof locks General Kelly installed on the nuclear football.
The Shartcannon also announced that he won't re-certify the Iran nuclear deal, going so far as to flat-out fucking lie about Iran's compliance, because the reputation of the United States, and the need for the rest of the world to trust that we'll live up to the terms of the arrangements we negotiate and ratify, is less important to the American President that stickin' it to that black guy who made the nation laugh at him one night.
Expects say dishonestly walking away from the Iran deal makes negotiations with North Korea over their nuclear program all but impossible, but maybe you didn't hear me: A BLACK GUY LAUGHED AT HIM.
Hey, Reince Priebus had his interview with Team Mueller on Friday! I hope Rugged Robert had the foresight to stock the room with Kleenex...there had to be a lot of crying, y'know? Like, John-Turturro-in-MILLER'S CROSSING-level shit.
And we learned from Reuters that the administration has been cutting funding to halfway houses, without anybody really noticing between the government-inflicted humanitarian crises and the provoking of nuclear regimes and whatnot. Let it never be said that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III isn't doing all he can to keep a fresh new generation of young black men trapped in the prison/industrial complex. No Facebooking at the office for Ol' Beau, he is a man deeply in love his work.
Which is institutional white supremacy.
I see President/Secretary in Charge of Balloons and Napkin Origami/Treasurer of the Congressional Putin Fan Club Dana Rohrabacher brought a Holocaust-denying right wing troll to a meeting with Rand Paul. Did I mentioned that Mike Pence, he of the taxpayer-funded-phony-NFL-walkout stunt, did a fundraiser for Rohrabacher a few days back? The GOP's just one big happy hateful family, like Tennessee Williams filtered through Eli Roth.
Some Republican state congressjag in Indiana has a proposal to require licensing for journalists, because while trickle-down economics never works, trickle-down fascism is REAL. (It's actually a stunt because Jag is angry that there's even a little gun control, I guess because he thinks domestic abusers should be able to carry firearms on school busses. Meet your 21st century Republican Party.)
We learned that Paul Manafort has "ties" to Kremlin-connected Russia oligarch Oleg Deripaska, surprise surprise. What kind of ties? Sources tell me one night last July while Manafort was running Shart's campaign, he and Deripaska stayed up all night beating the original Contra on NES and furthermore, they called Putin when they couldn't remember the Konami code.
Just kidding. The ties are millions of dollars in "loans" passed through a labyrinth of shell companies. I'm sure Manafort remembers the Konami code, and I don't mean to slander him by implying otherwise.
Paulie's spokesman (do they still have that Dirty Jobs show? Jeeeeezus) carefully insists he never colluded with the Russian GOVERNMENT, hoping all the laundering provides a veneer of plausible deniability.
(I bet all the kids in Manafort's neighborhood are wearing Bob Mueller masks this Halloween, and it'll scare him so much he'll stop answering the door by 6:15.)
One of KKKris KKKobach's toadies on his voter disenfranchisement Kommission got arrested on child pornography charges, because this team wants to make sure it checks off every possible box on the Evil Bingo card.
Puerto Rico continues suffering, but don't worry, FEMA's sending out little baggies of Skittles and Vienna Sausages! Or least, that's what they're doing when they're not enlisting the local survivors to give them a sweet discount on a "Spa Day" in the middle of a disaster zone when they're supposed to be helping people.
Also, Shartboy met with the President of the Virgin Islands, which I guess means he's finally sunk so deeply into madness that he's pacing around his office yelling at fake Time Magazine covers of himself. I'm sure that meeting brought great comfort to the Puerto Ricans drinking chemically contaminated water from Superfund sites.
Chad withdrew its troops from the fight against Boko Haram in Niger, after being included in Team Shart's shitty racist travel ban. It's kinda weird, isn't it? That when you work so hard to alienate your allies that they wind up getting all...alienated n' shit.
Anyway, for those keeping score at home, the travel ban, which is supposed to keep us safe from terrorism, just caused an ally to abandon the fight against...a terrorist organization. GOOD JOB, GOVERNMENT!
Larry Flynt has offered up a 10 million dollar bounty for info that can be used to get the Factory Reject Muppet impeached. Shit, maybe Mike Flynn'll take him up on it to get out from under what must be a metric shit-ton of legal bills.
And the Man With Phalangeal Stunting took to the SpectroMatic Twitter Machine to brag about how proud he was that his ACA sabotage caused health care stocks to tank. Remember when the President of the United States didn't actively attack the American economy? Or take victory laps when the attacks were successful? It's weird the shit you didn't even realize you NEEDED to take for granted, before 2017. What next? Will Mnuchin dispatch treasury officials to stand outside closing Toys R Us stores to just point and laugh?
And a Mississippi school district pulled TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD from its curriculum, which is about par for the course these days. I'm sure it'll give more time for the unit on the literary oeuvre of Ann Coulter to really breathe in young students' minds. Or maybe they'll just institute the two minutes hate.
Speaking of petty racism, there's a horrifying little piece in the New Yorker about how Sniveling Grievance Avatar Stephen Miller basically single-handedly manipulated the levers of executive branch power to lower the number of refugees the U.S. will accept.
Miller remains one of the greatest sub-tragedies of this whole never-ending shitshow. I guess a few thousand human beings have to suffer and die because one scrawny loser started balding three days into puberty, and chose far-right politics rather than therapy. Fuck these awful, awful people.
And yeah, while the people of Puerto Rico drank poison, and California burned, Littlefinger went golfing. Again. With his new BFF, Lindsey. Senator Graham is no doubt the latest in a series of fools to imagine they're getting through to this dope, just because he's nodding and agreeing with everything they tell him. Lindsey, my dude, he has a gaping vacuum where most of us have a soul; he'll do absolutely anything to attain your approval (or submission), then forget every single word you said ten minutes into Hannity.
Anyhow, a group of mental health professionals marched in New York to call for the President's removal. Man, how fucked up do you have to be an entire protest full of just psychologists telling the word what a dangerous lunatic you are? Did even Nixon get a "Holy Fucking Shit This Man is Nuts" march?
And now Rex Tillerson goes on the Sunday Shoz to drop the horrifyingly Orwellian line "Diplomatic efforts will continue until the first bomb drops." In the same interview, Tilly insisted he wasn't castrated, and also discussed how America must not allow a mineshaft gap.
With that little snippet of raw, unfiltered insanity, I leave you, my friends. Allow me an evening's respite, disappearing into welcome-if-temporary comfort of craft beer and playoff baseball. I'll get catapulted, against my will and screaming, back into the real world soon enough.
*Nope
I Dont Care if its a Rap Battle or an IQ Test So Long as We Can Reclaim the Presidency
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Ah, a crisp autumn day. I can almost visualize the last dwindling threads of my sanity drifting to the ground like a dying leaf. It will be sweater weather soon, and my straightjacket will seem a blessing rather than an irritant.
Y'know, if William Shakespeare were around to write a play about these bat-poop-encrusted days, Carter Page would be the character in the Malvolio/Dogberry role; the blustering idiot with a near-fatal case of Dunning-Krueger syndrome, running to and fro across the stage, shooting his mouth off to the amusement/embarrassment of the audience.
After months of demanding the chance to clear his name in public, Carter's suddenly all, "Welllllllll actually I'mma take the fifth so I don't commit too much perjury," which is behavior common to 96% of all innocent people, particularly in the realm of treason...right?
He'll surely show up to his hearing with his stockings cross-gartered, is all I'm saying.
Didja see this shit in the Daily Beast? Where Don the Con's babysitters, excuse me, "advisors," talked him into threatening the free trade agreement with South Korea so as to get him to back off destroying NAFTA? Like, "Maybe if we let him have just a little trade war, he won't insist on a massive, world-economy-wrecking one?"
Maybe we can try that strategy with North Korea...like, let him nuke some uninhabited Pacific island, tell him there are tortoises or gibbons there who made fun of his (tiny, unmanly) fingers. Get me James Mattis on the phone, dammit, this is surely worth a shot.
Hey, the President of the United States challenged his Secretary of State to an IQ test, that's another totally normal thing that happened. So normal it's boring. Obama was always dropping by Hillary's office with little brainteasers and shit. Hell, they almost let bin Laden get away, cuz they were in the middle of a ferociously competitive Scrabble game, but Biden told them it was a Big Fucking Deal, so they stopped.
Anyway, the dude who wants a battle of wits thinks "liddle" is a word, so I say let's do the test, and the winner gets to set North Korea policy.
Well, if there's one thing the Drumpf era has brought us, it's a veritable Renaissance in the long-neglected Behind the Scenes Accounts of an Idiot Manchild President Descending into Gibbering Madness, Sourced by Dozens of Leakers genre. It's flat-out FLOURISHING.
Vanity Fair tells us the President "hate(s) everyone in the White House." WaPo says he's "lashing out." And the L.A. Times says he's siding with Sean Hannity over people who actually, y'know...WORK IN THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. Anyway, we're all just one colicky tantrum away from seeing mushroom clouds broadcast all across the lyin' liberal media, seems to be the consensus.
A neo-confederate hate group managed to convince some "magistrate" to issue an arrest warrant for DeAndre Harris, for the high crime of Getting Beaten Within an Inch of His Life By the Shittiest White Losers on Earth. And to think, some folks say the justice system in this country has a racism problem.
Mike Ditka certainly doesn't think so. I'm sure Drumpf will appoint him to head up the Civil Rights division at DoJ by the end of the week.
Hey, looks like Eminem may be auditioning for that Veep slot! You always hear about the "attack dog" aspect, right? Shit, you could broadcast the Pence/Mathers debate in 3-D IMAX. Huge ratings. Warren/Mathers '20!
Meanwhile, the death toll keeps rising in Puerto Rico, which will perhaps lead to the rescinding of the Official Presidential Congratulations For Not Being a Real Disaster. Well, don't worry, Puerto Rico...the President is asking for a multi-billion dollar loan for your relief efforts.
Wait, WHAT? A loan? A motherfucking LOAN? Americans dying because they haven't had electricity or clean water for weeks, and you want them to PAY BACK THEIR FUCKING RELIEF FUNDS? I shudder to think about the interest rates President Fuckwad will charge. Can someone build a debtor's prison large enough for an entire island? Asking for an amoral turdworm.
And we keep learning more and more about the monstrous evil perpetrated by Harvey Weinstein. And, seriously...fuck that guy for all eternity. With weird, sharp, oblong, candelabras.
But there's this weird triumphalism on the right, like they're off the hook for electing a serial sexual predator PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. What? Seriously...what do two wrongs make again?
There's the weird chorus emerging in certain corners of the right wing loonosphere screaming "SEE! MIKE PENCE IS RIGHT! IF MEN WERE JUST LIKE MIKE PENCE AND NEVER LET THEMSELVES BE ALONE WITH WOMEN THEN MEN CAN'T RAPE WOMEN, IT'S MUCH HARDER TO RAPE SOMEBODY IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S A FRAT PARTY." Seb Gorka and Erick Erickson are particularly eager to parrot this line, I guess because they want the entire world to know what creepy little bastards they are.
Turns out Smallhands Magoo wants a massive increase in the nuclear arsenal! Why? My best guess is he wants to eliminate all living beings who know that Salma Hayek wouldn't go out with him. And now we've got folks talking about Mattis and Kelly sitting around a table, late at night, sipping on cough syrup and ether, developing contingency plans for when President Manbaby lunges for the nuclear football, ISN'T 2017 NEAT?
Boy howdy, the Sunny D-Bag sure does hate dat First Amendment. It's "frankly disgusting" to him, that the press has the freedom to publish what they want, even if it happens to be one of the ten thousand or so potential stories that reveal his criminal/embarrassing/treasonous behavior. Shit, he want to revoke NBC's license, all over the Shocking Breaking News that he's a Big Fat Fucking Moron.
Seriously, if it wasn't for NBC's cutting-edge journalism, America might not know, even today, that Drumpf's a Moron. Hard-hitting shit. Without NBC, maybe we'd have to wait until some far-flung alien civilization sifted through the atomically-annihilated ruins of our world before figuring out "Holy shit, these people were governed by a thumb-sucking dickhead."
Speaking of the amendment that's first both in Constitution and in my heart, the Shart House continues its attacks on reporters and college professors who criticize them, as well as Black athletes bold enough to insist that their Lives Matter. (And let's take a moment to shout out to the willing fascist collaborators among the NFL's owners. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.) I tell ya, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has visions of running her own concentration camp dancing around in her mind like sugarplum fairies.
You sort of wonder when the Marmalade Shartcannon's gonna start going after some of the other amendments, just for variety's sake. I sort of expect to come home and find a few soldiers quartered in my apartment, eating my Hungry Man Dinners, getting that viscous compote fluid all over my comic books.
And Shart Carney's long-delayed visit to England has been downgraded! He will no longer be a "guest of the Queen," but will rather be a "guest of the shitty Oasis cover band that plays in tourist bars where they chill the beers for American tourists."
Il Douche is reportedly backing off his bullshit claims that he and his shitbag family won't pocket millions of dollars if he gets his crooked tax plan exacted. Well FUCK, y'all, he's almost honest.
We keep learning all kinds of fun things about how the Russians used the Kaspersky anti-virus software to steal classified information. This seems like a good time to let you all know that I'm using special secret software to determine if Showercap blog readers think I look fat in this pants.*
Mitch McConnell wants to do away with the Senate's "blue slip" process for judicial confirmations, because procedural norms are to be honored only when convenient for conservatives. Careful, Yertle...come January 2021, you may wake up to realize you've paved the path to Supreme Court Justice Alec Baldwin. Anyway, Chuck Grassley's making noise, so this may not come to much, but keep an eye on it.
Politico tells us that Senate Democrats are worried about Russian interference in the pending (goddamn) midterms (which you should vote in). Oddly the GOP seems less than eager to move against the hostile foreign power that interfered in our electoral process...to their benefit. Tax Cuts for the Kochs and Mercers > Loyalty to Your Country, right, guys?
Roy Moore took a million bucks from a "charity" he founded to "promote Christian values" despite insisting that he wouldn't, and contrary to the charity's tax filings. I'm starting to think the Evangelical movement in this country is just one big symbiotic relationship between grifters and shitty white people who like to be told they're God's chosen idiots. Like Venom, only they hate Decency instead of Spider-Man.
Anyway, Roy's gonna be a real hoot in the Senate, isn't he?
Treasury's Inspector General is reopening the investigation into Secretary Mnuchbag's travel, because it seems Steve-O wasn't totally honest in his disclosures. And Ryan Zinke's apparently been using taxpayer dollars to jet around to campaign events, which isn't even a little bit legal, but hey, when the President's assaulting the fundamental institutions of American Democracy, maybe you can sneak through with a little petty embezzlement, right?
And Cambridge Analytica, toy of the Mercers, is being investigated for potential collusion with Russia. CA has tentacles stretching from Bannon to Kushner and back again, so this'll be a fun thread to follow.
Shit, even RUSH LIMBAUGH doesn't think Tangerine Idi Amin should be ordering NFL players to stand for the anthem. How fucked do your actions have to be for a malleable hack like Rush to say, "Actually, even I can't spin this shit?"
And now you've got Glenn Beck tweeting about the first amendment! Hell, if we can get a few of these conservatives to actually stand up for the things they claim to believe in, we'll have a fuckin' revolution on our hands.
Anyway, the malicious shitheads in Congress still haven't managed to renew CHIP, because when you're governed by 21st century Republicans, even "Hey, we should maybe not let children die" is a controversial proposal, apparently.
Donnie Two Scoops gave a speech to some truckers, about how much they'd benefit from the repeal of the estate tax, because lots of truckers leave 5.5 million dollar estates behind when they die. Ok, so there won't be any truckers benefiting, but lots of Trump's kids will! That's practically the same thing, right?
Anyway, Shartboy missed a deadline for implementing legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, which probably isn't anything anybody needs to read into. Nor is the Thank You card Putin sent him, complete with a 20-dollar gift card to Chuck E. Cheese.
Well, I know there's more...there's always stuff I miss, for which I apologize, but you don't really wanna make me watch that Drumpf/Hannity interview, do you? DO YOU? I thought you liked me, Resisters. Give a bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-clad blogger a break, okay?
*Fuck you, Dale.
Gather Ye Round For Tales of the Legendary...Stephen Miller?
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Folks, I know that shit be cray. I know there's the impulse to say that it's like "the inmates are running the asylum." I just don't think that's quite fair.
It's more like the inmates had a mail-in contest with all the other asylums, where they gave everybody a fifth-grade math test, and they let the bottom five scores run the asylum. The people who answered "What's 3 plus 6" with "PUDDING!" are in charge now.
I'm surprised there was no formal announcement from the Shart House for "Blundering Idiocy Week," especially since they're doing a much better job of staying on message than they ever did with "Infrastructure Week."
Taking point on the Dumbfuck Initiative was One-Experimental-Hair-Tonic-Generated-Heart-Attack-Away-From-the-Presidency Mike Pence, who grabbed a quarter of a million bucks from the petty cash tin, and flew to Indianapolis for a little False Flag/Fake Patriotism operation.
Yeah Pencey-Poo popped by the stadium juuuuust long enough to feign a lil' outrage at a lil' free speech, tweet out a fake photo, and stoke some Shitty White Guy Grievance before jetting off to a previously scheduled appointment on the coast. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.
(Four Green Berets were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger, and the President has has fuckall to say about that, but don't worry, y'all...the whole Black Dudes Protesting thing? He's ALL OVER IT.)
Naturally, Boss Shart himself wants to demonstrate leadership, particularly during "Boneheaded Fuckstick Week," and so he sat down for an interview with Swollen Rage Tick Mike Huckabee.
Now, it takes a truly colossal dipshit to fuck up an interview with a guy who's not only temperamentally predisposed to lobbing softballs, but whose daughter actually works for you, but let it never be said that Dorito Mussolini is anything less than an Olympic-Grade Doofus.
He blathered about his embarrassing paper-towel-lobbing like it was the Gettysburg Address. He lied a bit about taxes. Shit, he took credit for making up the word "fake."
A New York Times bio revealed the extent of Presidential Advisor/Aggressively-Expanding Bald Spot Stephen Miller's lifelong commitment to Blundering Idiocy. Seems young Stephen, who has somehow latched onto white supremacy despite, y'know, BEING STEPHEN MILLER, once leapt onto the track at the tail end of a girl's track race to prove his manly superiority. Not the whole race, mind you. Just the end. He raced some high school girls for just the end of their race.
You get the sense that Miller's entire life is a series of failed attempts to prove himself superior to whomever happens to be nearest. Staring contests with cats and whatnot.
Y'know, Bannon got Stevie a hooker for his last birthday, but Miller spent about 45 minutes unsuccessfully trying to get her bra off before crying himself to sleep.
Anyway. Just because the focus has been on cartoonish dumbfuckery of late, I wouldn't want you to think Team Shart has forgotten about raw evil. Cuz they haven't. They're actually FUNDRAISING OFF THE LAS VEGAS MASSACRE because DECENCY IS FOR CUCKS.
And Richard Spencer gathered a tiny band of dickless white boys to march in Charlottesville over the weekend. "You will not replace us!" they chanted, as though there were people lining up for miles to fill their Poorly Dressed Weenies Who No One Will Ever, Ever Sleep With (Even for Money) and Who Whinge About Video Games on Reddit roles.
(Word is, Spencer's turnout was especially low because most of his movement was still home grieving over their inability to procure the Rick and Morty Szechuan Sauce at McDonald's earlier in the day.)
Hey look, a few NFL teams are now ordering their players to stand for the anthem! Nice to see the private sector get in on all that hawt speech-squashing/white-supremacist action, isn't it?
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? IF NOT, MAY WE INTEREST YOU IN A BOOK BURNING PERHAPS?
Since announcing his retirement, Senator Bob Corker has gone wild, hasn't he? He's let his hair down, taken off his glasses, and gone FULL SEXY LIBRARIAN. Sources tell me he's asked his Senate colleagues to wear strings of beads while walking around Capitol Hill, which he intends to claim one by one in a vigorous flashing campaign.
He's stumbling about D.C., hammered on wine coolers, giving interviews to all the fake news media about how Don the Con is basically a colicky baby, and how 95% of the American government is currently dedicated to preventing him from pushing buttons in the situation room in a fit of pique at something Jimmy Kimmel said.
And then Don lied a bit about how Corker begged him for an endorsement and also some Trump Steaks, and everyone pointed out he was lying, and Corker was like, "Hey, we should maybe not have a Nuclear War because of this tool," because that's the level of our discourse these days.
And Kellyanne griped about Corker's tweets, because "world leaders see that," because irony is buried six feet underneath Alanis Morissette's house these days.
Ex Drumpf campaign aide Jason Miller thinks Corker should resign right now if he won't back President Ostomy Bag's agenda. I imagine Jason Miller is beyond used to people not doing what he wants them to do, so you don't have to worry about hurting his feelings, Bob.
(It seems Bannon's on the Obey-Drumpf-or-Resign train, re: Corker. Eager little fascist, ain't he?)
Scott Pruitt took time off from flying on private jets and jacking off to pictures of oil-covered endangered species in his taxpayer-funded soundproof booth to announce a reversal of the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, because we can't have the gubmint impinging on fossil fuel companies' inalienable rights to poison the air we breathe and the water we drink.
Pruitt declared a victory on the fictitious "War on Coal," no doubt knowing he'll have long since been fired before anyone thinks to ask "Hey, where are all those jobs you folks promised were coming back?"
Il Douche tweeted out a video whining about how nobody gives him credit for working so hard for Puerto Rico, because nobody could possibly work any harder for Puerto Rico, which is a weird thing to say when you're in the middle of a three-day golf bender.
Now, if SCROTUS had claimed "Nobody could possibly have worked harder to deflect blame from the crisis in Puerto Rico," well, THAT I don't need a video to believe.
Shartboy's FEMA director Brock Long made a point to say he's "filtered out" the criticisms of San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, who keeps stubbornly insisting the island's problems aren't 100% solved just because hundreds of thousands of American citizens don't have access to power and drinking water. What a great idea that is, to "filter out" a local leader with direct, useful knowledge of the community in crisis. I bet Eisenhower "filtered out" the French before D-Day.
Steve Scalise decided to thank the lesbian police officer who saved his life as only a right wing zealot can; addressing a "Values Voters Summit" for an anti-gay hate group!
Can you imagine? Can you imagine being so irrevocably warped by hatred and prejudice that you would lend your voice to an organization that works to deny fundamental rights to the woman who literally took a bullet for you? I have to admit that while I can comprehend, in an intellectual way, a lot of the right wing's garbage, this one escapes me entirely.
Speaking of immoral fuckery, Tangerine Idi Amin is allegedly readying an executive order to gut the Obamacare markets, because no amount of needless suffering could ever satiate his bottomless desire for revenge on the Black Dude Who Laughed at Him That One Time.
And it seems Donnie Two Scoops reneged on his deal with Chuck n' Nancy, regarding the DREAMers. Where he initially promised to keep funding for his Big Stupid Wall separate, now he wants not only wall money but a massive reduction in legal immigration, and also a date with Salma Hayek.
You know, I'm starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than honest.
We're told Steve Bannon's working to challenge every Republican Senator to the left of Robert Kelly. He wants to bring violent felon Michael Grimm back to congress. He's enlisting profiteer mass-murderer Erik Prince to challenge John Barrasso in Wyoming. (I mean, good luck, Darth Wino. Barrasso's more popular in Wyoming than orgasms. That said...it's a very conservative state.) He'll probably have James Woods running for something before long.
Moving on, the usual roving pack of executive branch leakers report that the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days feverishly asking all available experts for new ideas on how he can help the suffering people of Puerto Rico.
HAHAH gotcha! Just kidding, he's just wandering around in a slobbering fury bitching about NBC for reporting the story where Tillerson called him a fucking moron. He's having little success in his quest to make America believe FuckingMoronGate is "fake news," probably because he's such a fucking moron.
(Can we get Marist to poll that one, by the way? I predict 20% of the American people believe the president is a "Moron," 48% say "Fucking Moron," and that reliably-brainwashed 32% says "nuh-uh, he's not a Moron at all HE IS OUR GOD."
Speaking of Puerto Rico, the Shart Administration decided not to renew the island's Jones Act waiver. I guess if you didn't get all the supplies you need to rebuild after back-to-back devastating hurricanes in 10 days, that's your fault, TAKERS.
You'll be pleased to learn that after a long weekend of golf, your President spent today...GOLFING. With Lindsey Graham. Fucker won't even pretend to work five days a week. I bet he didn't even do that reading General Kelly assigned him (a hastily-assembled coloring book titled "Why Nuclear Holocaust is Bad for the Hotel Business).
And now Google's the latest internet mega-company saying Russian agents bought ads on their platform seeking to influence last year's campaign. Pretty soon we're gonna find out Putin was paying Maria Menounos to push Drumpf in the pre-show entertainment at AMC theatres.
GOP congressdolt Sean Duffy insists President Shartcannon's thrice-daily temper tantrums are part of some grand strategy to make people THINK he's an Idiot Manchild so that...fuck, I don't know. Look, if you're willing to perceive anything remotely resembling "strategy" in this fuckhead's chemically-imbalanced tantruming, I'd like to enlist your help in managing my Nigerian Prince buddy's bank account.
Aaaaaaand Ivana and Melania are fighting on the internet, and it's too stupid for me even joke about.
Fuck, y'all. I'm all outta beer, so if you don't mind, I'm just gonna punch myself in the temple until I pass out, and with any luck I'll wake up in Wonderland or Narnia or Mordor or something.
For those of you trapped in this reality...donate to Doug Jones, wouldja?
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
