TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalShartboy in Paris, or Vive la Cray!
So, the Shart Administration likes their little theme weeks. "Infrastructure Week" and "Golf and Naptime Week" and "Jesus Christ Can't We Find Anyone on the Planet to Replace Reince Priebus Week." Today was "Let's Show the World What a Bunch of Bumbling, Brain-Dead, Malicious, Jagoffs We All Are" Day.
Kellyanne decided to get a head start on Hannity last night with her little flash cards, which is hilarious not only for the relentless parodying they earned on the internet, but because most Drumpf voters can't read in the first place.
Idiocy, after all, is central to defending Shart Junior's "Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?"/"BOY DO I!" troubles. Aw, he's just a KID, everyone's saying. He doesn't know what he's doing! How do you expect a 39-year-old manchild to know that colluding with a hostile foreign government is bad? Look at him! He's barely a functioning human being! He keeps licking Wilbur Ross because he thinks he's a lollipop!
Boss Shart himself keeps playing the Dumbass in the Dark card, telling anybody who'll listen that he just found out about the meeting his son, son-in-law, and campaign manager had with an alleged agent of a hostile foreign power when he read about it in the Failing New York Times over the weekend. But tonight, Yahoo tells us that Donnie's lawyers learned all this three weeks ago, from the Failing Jared Kushner.
Whoopsie.
Speaking of Jar-Jar, and also of the I'm-just-dumb-as-a-clump-of-dirt defense, having been nailed several times for failing to disclose meetings with foreign agents, he's amended his SF-86 national security form, cuz a few meetings may've slipped his mind the first time he filled it out, excuse me, "lied all over it assuming he's too rich to ever face consequences."
Hey, who hasn't forgotten a meeting here and there, right? Wait, what? He needed to amend it THREE times? Adding over a hundred names? Jesus Fuck.
Somehow this clown still has a high level security clearance, despite committing an offense that would earn any member of military a swift Court Martial. Shit, the House GOP even blocked a vote to strip him of it, because information security is only for Lady Secretaries of State when they're running for President.
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, decided he wants in on some of this hawt above-the-law action! Responding to a court order to release details of his own campaign contacts with Ruskies, Ol' Beau decided to be all cutesy and release a mostly-blank sheet of paper. Sources tell me that, in addition, when a courier came for the document, Sessions briefly humped the courier's leg, before yapping loudly and incessantly until he was out of sight.
Whelp, the Marmalade Shartcannon went to Paris, France today! He stepped off the plane, and said, "By gum, before I head home, I'm gonna embarrass the shit out of every man, woman and child in America!" And for the first time, perhaps in his life, he kept his promise.
He ogled Emmanuel Macron's wife for a bit, like a pervert lurking in the bushes outside a sorority house, then tried to rip her arm off. He gave a little speech suggesting that most folks don't know France was our ally way back during the Revolution, leading America's fourth-graders to collectively facepalm while sighing "Christ, what an asshole." He probably tried to break into the Louvre to rub his ass on the paintings.
And I guess, on Air Force One, Toupee Fiasco was going a few rounds with the press corps, and casually suggested that his Big Dumb Wall be not only solar-powered, but...transparent. A see-through solar wall, because people throw big heavy bags of drugs over the wall, and...you want the people throwing the bags of drugs to make sure they don't hit anybody with their heavy drug bags?
I was 100% certain that story was Borowitz or something when I first saw it, but holy shit, here it is in WaPo. "An' the wall's gonna have a moat alongside it but, like, filled with LAVA, and there'll be alligators that can breathe lava that live in the moat, I'm using the money I'm cutting from Meals on Wheels to speed up the Lava Gator research, Bannon tells me we're real close."
Fake Doctor/Actual Nazi Sebastian Gorka popped up on CNN to defend his boss' I'm-not-a-Russian-agent-your-FACE-is-a-Russian-agent decision to reward Putin for attacking our democracy by returning the spy compounds we confiscated, literally saying "we want to give collaboration a chance," because Parody is dead.
Regrettably, Gorka once again escaped before Indiana Jones arrived at his location. One day, Sebastian...
YertleCare 2.0, Now With More Cruz! had its big unveiling today as well. Cruz' amendment holds with the belief the Founding Fathers held so near and dear, that All Men are Created Equal, Except Those With Preexisting Conditions, For They are Moochers and Takers and Should Have the Decency to Die Somewhere Where We Don't Have to Look at Them.
Susan Collins and Rand Paul hastily called dibs on the two free Nah votes, leaving half a dozen or so others deciding if they'd rather be held responsible for breaking the biggest, loudest, GOP promise of the last decade, or, y'know, the senseless mass murder of thousands of Americans in the name of letting the Koch brothers add to their collection of pillaged ancient Egyptian mummies.
Dean Heller has to go home and ask his dad. Murkowski, Capito, and Portman have to spend the weekend determining whether or not they've been sufficiently bribed. Even Cruz himself is conducting his own whip operation, threatening to spend time socially with any Republicans who oppose the bill.
Anyhow, we need to put this fucker to bed once and for all this weekend, so get on the phones, Resistors.
Marc Kasowitz, Chief Attorney to the Hairplug That Ate Decency, made his own headlines this evening, when ProPublica published an email where he loses his shit all over some dude who was actually giving him the best advice any human being ever gave another, namely QUIT WORKING FOR YOUR SEWER CLOG OF A CLIENT. Kasowitz apologized, and is reportedly struggling with alcoholism, but fuck him anyway for representing that assclown.
To provide a distinct counterpoint to all this humiliating, revolting, tragic, corruption and incompetence, Jimmy Carter required medical treatment today, because he was working his ass off in the hot sun building housing for the less privileged at 92 FUCKING YEARS OLD. Meanwhile the guy we're stuck with needs a golf cart to get through a parade.
I'm sure I've missed some stuff. We're up to our tits in bat guano, shit is so goddamn nucking futz these days. And fuck, the congressional hearings really heat up next week, so, you know...buy a helmet, folks.
PS....hang on...Peter Smith, the Republican Dirty Trickster from the WSJ story, who tried to collaborate with the Russians to get ahold of Hilldawg's emails...committed suicide? You are shitting me. You are absolutely shitting me.
I'd very much like to wake up now.
Hey folks, I'm a little tipsy, is shit still cray? Shit seems cray.
Friends, when you wake up to the news that a giant iceberg the size of Delaware has broken off from mainland Antarctica to roam the oceans, see the world, maybe record a freak-folk album...you know that shit is still all kindsa cray.
Early this morning, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet tweeted out that nuh uh he doesn't watch the teevee all day, clearly responding to a story on cable news about how he watches cable news all day. Just in case you thought you weren't being governed by a nutty old coot who spends his time arguing with strangers he sees on the talkin' picture box.
The big story, of course, remains Skidmark Jr's Excellent Russian Collusion Adventure. Now, Junior's actions are completely indefensible, but godDAMN it's hilarious watching the gleeful collaborators on the right tie themselves in knots looking to excuse them.
Dad praised his boy's "transparency," in coming clean after lying for an entire fucking year, and specifically after two rounds of bullshit statements got debunked by the media just in the last weekend. Speaking only for myself, when I think of the heroic transparency of a dude that's been totally nailed to the wall and has no other alternatives, I get misty-eyed. It's like that prelude scene in UP, only instead of watching people fall in love and grow old together, it's the hideously corrupt family in charge of our government concocting ever less plausible excuses for their treasonous lawbreaking.
It's very moving, is what I'm saying.
Anyhow, Bloat Jr went searching for the softest interview possible. Word is, he was offered Nick News, but got worried they'd be too tough, so he settled on Hannity. Like a good little foot soldier, Sean lobbed a few softballs and declared the entire crook family fully vindicated forever, so I guess that story's over now. Just when it was getting good. Dang.
Even so, the Wall Street Journal tells us that the IC recorded conversations among Russian officials about Drumpf associates as early as 2015, which they're now leisurely flipping through, just for old time's sake, I bet. Just a little light scrapbooking.
Fox News Talking Haircut Jesse Watters suggested Kid Shart is the victim in all this, because literally the best anyone can come up with is that this 39-year-old man has the mental competence of a half-eaten cronut. Sources tell me Junior plans to appear before Mueller wearing a shirt that reads "2 Dumb 2 Collude," with his legal team will donning hats that say "I'm with stupid, also MAGA."
Shit, even Gowdy Doody finds himself "troubled" at the ever-expanding scandal! Not troubled enough to give his God Emperor the tiniest fraction of the Benghazi treatment, even to the tune of conducting the slightest bit of investigation, but troubled I tell you...TROUBLED!
Meanwhile every news outlet on the planet published an article about how everyone in the Shart House is screaming and throwing poo at each other, citing eleventy-five anonymous sources apiece. Reince Priebus even set up a bear trap outside Stephen Miller's office, using some Hair Club For Men product as bait.
(In one particularly disturbing side note, one of these articles, NYT if I remember right, mentions that some of these fucks suggested digging through the published history of the various journalists reporting on the Russia scandal, looking for mistakes and retractions to leak to friendly outlets in order to discredit them. Won't do a damn bit of good in the current situation because Junior released his own e-mails, but I don't think we should be surprised that these scumfucks will sink to any depths to cover their asses.)
Oh, and by the way, it's being reported that the initial statement Junior issued in response to the NYT story, y'know, the one that turned out to be total horseshit, was written by SCROTUS' staff and signed off on by Daddy himself. So yeah, that's a fat slice of cover-up with obstruction-of-justice frosting, and I'm trying to lose weight, but gimmie some of that. Unh.
Now, speaking of the shitpile Junior stepped in, wouldja believe that the lawyer he took Manafort and Jar-Jar to meet, Natalia Veselnitskaya, represents the family of a Russian oligarch who the Justice Department was investigating for money laundering on a fairly significant scale...at least until, two days before the scheduled trial, Jeff Sessions' DOJ suddenly decided to offer them an almost-too-good-to-be-true settlement. They admit no guilt, pay a slap-on-the-wrist fine, and go on doing whatever it is oligarchs do (Whittling? I honestly don't know). I swear, if this was a John Grisham novel, he'd have cut this bit because it's just too over the top.
I'm sure all of this is mere coincidence. So let's move on.
Today we learned that the State Department dropped fifteen grand at one of Il Douche's hotels, because while this administration recklessly blunders through seemingly all matters of policy, their grift game is ON FLEEK.
Speaking of Shart-o the Clown's hotels, I guess a bunch of guests' credit card numbers got hacked. Y'know what? Good. If you're still willing to give these bastards your business at this point, you deserve a bit of hassle. Fuck you.
I guess Morning Joe threw a little party for himself for being Principled and Brave and Special for finally, FINALLY quitting the GOP today, because while decades of sexism and racism were totes cool with Joe, being personally threatened by White House staff is apparently a bridge too far. They'll sing songs of this day for generations, I'm sure.
Chris Wray had his confirmation hearing in the Senate this morning. He was asked stuff like "Hey, how do you feel about campaigns collaborating with foreign adversaries?" and "Did SCROTUS make you pledge eternal loyalty before appointing you to head the FBI?" because these are the sorts of things we apparently need to know now, fucking hell.
Steve King, still seething that his scenes got cut from MISSISSIPPI BURNING, spewed some crap from the tooth-lined rectum he has instead of a mouth, about paying for the Big Dumb Wall with all the dirty Planned Parenthood whorebortion money. Because he's Steve King, and popping up every few weeks to say something disgusting is his job, or his hobby, or probably both.
Representative Brad Sherman filed Articles of Impeachment today, for Obstruction of Justice. Me, I say he should tack some tax cuts onto that bad boy, get some bipartisan support.
Betsy DeVos has some CONCERNS, y'all. She's worried about campus rape...as in, she's worried there might not be enough of it. Yep, the DeVostater is toying with rolling back some Obama-era federal guidelines designed to protect victims and accusers. She's meeting with Men's Rights Activists, who I guess feel empowered to crawl out of their moms' basements when they landed appointments with Cabinet officials...yay.
On top of that, Candice Jackson, acting assistant secretary for civil rights under DeVos, wrote an article claiming that a full 90% of campus sexual assault accusations were from drunken sluts who decided the dude they bonked wasn't hot enough the morning after or some shit, citing the prestigious Republican research firm of Shit I Want to Be True and Don't Care if it Isn't Also Joke's on You Cuz Right Wing Twitter Will Quote This as Gospel Now Just Cuz I Said It.
Oh, and the White House attacked the Congressional Budget office, releasing a video claiming the CBO scores of the recent House and Senate Plebe-Harvesting, excuse me, "health care" bills were inaccurate. The video misspelled the word "inaccurately," because of course it did.
President Shartcannon granted his first non-Fux Nooz interview in months to Withered Hate Raisin Pat Robertson. Hunched in his chair like a petulant grade-schooler in detention, Drumpf opined that the entire American intelligence community was wrong about Russia doing him an electoral solid, and that Uncle Vlad preferred Hilldawg anyhow because Drumpfy is a such a fearsome, widely-respected, certainly-not-mocked-all-around-the-globe fellow.
The Shart also took time to weigh in on last week's G-20 summit. "We had 20 countries," he proclaimed, beaming with self-regard. As embarrassing as that seems at first glance, let me remind everyone that one of the 20 economies in the G-20 is the European Union, so he's even fucking wrong about that. Can an entire nation feel shame?
Oh, and speaking of Faux Christians, a bunch of Evangelical "Pastors" took a grotesque pic in the Oval, laying hands on the Great Orange Pussy-Grabbing Lump and "praying." Reached for comment, Jesus said, "THOSE assholes?" threw up two middle fingers, made some fart noises, and rollerbladed away.
Anyhow, La Grande Sharte is off to Paris soon, a city which has, per the Associated Press, lost the esteem of his imaginary friend, Jim. God, I wish I was joking about any of this.
So I guess the House Appropriations committee introduced a funding bill that includes some cash for Shartboy's precious Big Dumb Wall. Now, this money has a snowball-in-Jim-Inhofe's-living-room's chance of ever finding its way into the final bill, but Donnie took immediately to Twitter for a victory lap, demonstrating once and for all that he lacks a third grader's understanding of the legislative process. Word is the Idiot Manchild President may be on board with a strategy of shutting down the government over the wall that the American people overwhelmingly don't want, I guess cuz he's worried his approval ratings are too high.
Ok. Well, it's late, and I'm at a bar, and I guess Kid Rock is running for the Senate? Fuck it, I can't cap this shit off with anything better than that. This post probably has more spelling and grammar errors than usual. You're welcome to fucking sue me.
Shit Be Cray, Jr.
Well, usually there's been a fair amount of insanity by this point of a Monday evening, but Fox News tells me that all everybody's talking about is Smallhands Magoo picking up a hat the wind knocked off of a marine's head, so I guess there's nothin' worth writing about, huh?
We learned that the Shart's immigration platform was written in part by commentator/author/Ghost of Klan Rallies Past Ann Coulter, isn't that nifty? Coulter later compared the document she'd co-scripted to the Magna Carta, because keeping brown people out of the country really is that important when you're a white supremacist. In unrelated news, I plan on surfacing in the comments to this post, proclaiming it to be like If the Guitar Solo in Purple Rain Were a Political Satire Post.
We also learned that Steve Bannon has an oil painting of himself dressed as Napoleon. Normally, this is the point where I'd make a joke, but I think this one stands on its own.
Luther Strange, appointed to fill Jeff Sessions' Senate seat upon his darkly comical ascension to the top of the Justice Department, and facing a tough GOP primary challenge, decided to take the Al Franken route to political victory. Strange admonished his fellow Senators to "work as hard as President Trump is working." BWAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAH...I had no idea ol' Luther was such a cut up. I hear he has a Netflix special coming. It's like a Richard Spencer speech, but with dick jokes.
Speaking of the Justice Department, and I'm a little late on this, but there's a case down in Texas regarding your standard, Republican, massively-disenfranchising voter ID law. Under Obama, Justice was on the side of those challenging the law, but now that the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, is in charge, things've changed, and Justice stunned the world by striking their up-till-now-co-plaintiffs multiple times with a steel folding chair, leaving them writhing and bloodied on the courthouse floor before grabbing a mic and asking "WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN SESSIONSMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOOOOOOUUUUUUU????" and flexing before the bench for several minutes.
'Member how Il Douche came back from the G-20 summit with the brilliant idea to set up some sort of joint cyber-security task force with the, ahem, one nation on earth that's been consistently waging cyber attacks on the United States? Well, even after sending poor Steve Mnuchbag out on the shoz to defend this little stroke of genius, Drumpfy walked it back shortly after returning home from golf. My guess is Mad Dog Mattis whacked him in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and told him "No! We don't share classified intelligence with the Russians! BAD PRESIDENT," and then rubbed his nose in the turd Bannon drunkenly left outside the Oval.
From the realm of the legitimately enraging, the news from Colorado is that American citizens are demanding to be dropped from the voting rolls rather than have their private information turned over to the Pence/Kobach Traveling Voter Suppression Extravaganza and Medicine Show. Folks, don't do this. Especially since Kobach and co. had to send out a "yeah, actually hold off on sending that information that nobody wants to send us anyway, turns out we're being sued." (Also, donate to EPIC and the ACLU to support their lawsuits, okay?)
God, I don't even know where to begin with the fuckin' Comey thing. So, Fux and Frenz followed up on a Hill report that some of Comey's Famous Chocolate Chip Memos contained classified information. Now, Fux n' Palz claimed that Comey LEAKED classified info, which isn't what the Hill story said, and doesn't seem to be true (Some Comey memos contained classified info, but not the ones Comey leaked to HIS And Friends, ya follow?). Anyhow, because our Idiot Manchild President thinks everything he sees on Fox is God's Own Truth Carved in Stone, he tweets out that Comey is a Leaker who Leaks all the Leaks and has broken all kinds of laws, and that shit is so far form being true that even Fux has issued a retraction, but don't worry, about twelve million rubes have scribbled it into the back of their family Bibles by now, the irreproachable truth of the Book of Shart.
(If I got any of that wrong, it's because it's exhaustingly fucking stupid. Sorry/not sorry.)
The Russia sanctions bill, passed by a holy-shit-these-people-can't-even-agree-that-puppies-are-cute bipartisan majority in the Senate, continues to languish in the House. And of course, Shart House officials are putting pressure on the House GOP to water the sanctions down as much as possible, which is exactly what a normal executive branch does when dealing with a hostile foreign power that attacked the nation, just like when FDR gave the famous "Day That Will Live in Bar Trivia, Maybe, But Prolly Not" speech to a joint session of Congress on December 8th, 1941.
The concepts of "Lack of Surprise" and "Weary Disappointment" collided at full force today, with the release of a poll revealing that a significant majority of Republicans think that higher education, that fucking COLLEGE, is a BAD THING. Seems like only yesterday Jim Inhofe was smugly bustin' out a snowball on the floor of the Senate, trying to nutpunch Science; I'm sure he shed the tears of a proud parent seeing that poll. There might be an argument that the modern Republican Party is something more than a mob of enraged idiots whipped up into a perpetual fury by a deceptive media bubble at the bidding of an oligarch donor class for the sole purpose of providing the votes for tax cuts that never benefit the idiots who back them...but it can't be a very good argument.
Meanwhile, a couple of the rabid dingoes of the Freedom Caucus, Mark Meadows and Mo Brooks, are makin' noises about forcing a government shutdown over Shart-o the Clown's Big Stupid Border Wall. God bless these lunatics. They've already dragged the entire House GOP into voting for the least popular possible configuration of the Poor-Folk-Mulching Act, excuse me, "Republican Health Care Bill," which will likely never become law, and which will be like an anchor wrapped around box of larger anchors come the midterms, but now they want to lead a shutdown if they don't get funding for the wall that the American people don't fucking want. Proceed, Jagoffs.
Oh, and Chris Christie, having chased himself out of politics through his petty, vindictive criminality, took a potential new career as a radio host for a test drive this afternoon. If Chris' destiny is to spend the rest of his life sitting in a chair, yelling at strangers who call in to hurl insults at him all day long...well, I think that'd make Dante chuckle.
Did I miss anything? Nah, I'm pretty sure that's about everyth-
Wait, what's this about Lil' Donnie Jr? Seems he had himself quite a festive lil' weekend!
Sooooo...like a cat with an unusually stupid mouse, the Failing New York Times backed Shart Jr into a corner, and has been fucking with him for their own amusement since Saturday.
First, story was, Junior met with a Russian lawyer connected with the Kremlin. Brought Manafort and Jar-Jar along. Everybody forgot/lied about it for months. Pretty suspicious. But the story they spun was "Oh, it was about orphans, no biggie."
Alright.
Sunday. NYT tells us, "Oh hey, that meeting? Turns out Junior went into it because he was told there'd be Russians there who had some nasty nasty dirt on a certain Hilldawg." Oooooooo. MUCH more suspicious.
And the spin gets a little lamer..."Well...maybe I went to the meeting looking for dirt on HRC from a foreign agent, but I didn't get any, IT'S NOT COLLUSION IF YOU DON'T SUCCEED AT COLLUDING, RIGHT?"
And then tonight, NYT's batting their eyes, all coquettish and shit, and suddenly they let us know that Junior was sent an email saying "This is literally the Russian Government trying to help your dad become President because Hillary Clinton is tough as nails and thinking about her running America makes Putin curl up in the fetal position and cry himself to sleep."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's collusion with a foreign government. And the Shart House can't muster a denial, just a weak-ass statement that somehow the candidate didn't find out about any of this, even though it was a meeting attended by his campaign manager, his son-in-law, and his eldest fucking son, until he read about it...
...on the homepage of the Failing New York Times.
Now, the source for all this shit, according to NYT, is fucking currently-serving White House officials, so God only knows what the fuck is going on here. Is Jared trying to cover his own ass? Is Stephen Miller trying to get adopted by the God Emperor? Is this Eric's big play to finally get his own bedroom?
Anyhow, Kid Shart finally lawyered up. Hired...a mob lawyer, because you want an experienced professional when you're about to go on trial for treason.
I don't fucking know, folks, what I DO know is...
SHIT BE CRAY.
But yeah, everybody's talking about a hat.
Y'ask me, this is all a big ruse to distract from the fact that it's apparently now impossible to be a gluten-free Catholic. WHAT THE FUCK, THE POPE?
PS...wait, what? A late-breaking story says Jar-Jar and Darth Wino reached out to the Blackwater Jag (Betsy DeVos' brother, don'tcha know) to come up with an alternate strategy for Afghanistan? Are you fucking shitting me? I am getting too old for this shit.
Mid-day Madness Check-In:
Well, at this point I really am quite certain I'm plugged into the Matrix and the news is being fed directly into my brain by an alien bug robot that is also an aspiring espionage novelist. If, however, all of this garbage is actually happening, then it must be said that shit, as has previously been noted, be cray.
So, Rachel Maddow tapped the country on the shoulder the other night. "Hey guess what," Maddow announced, "Somebody tried feeding me, and possibly other news organizations, elaborately forged national security documents in the hopes that we'd report them as real, in order to then discredit us as Fake Gnus, thus undercutting our reporting on all things great and small." Whether this doc was planted by a member of the Shart Administration or Auric Goldfinger is unclear at this time.
But folks, this is some serious John Clancy shit, right? I imagine Stephen Miller bought himself a catsuit to wear while he sat in office all night, alternatively forging his little document and yanking it to anime porn. He's probably wearing the catsuit right now. Under his suit. Smiling to himself.
Perhaps inspired by these efforts, a grassroots Real Murican apparently vandalized an elementary school with fake anti-Drumpf messages, in order to frame the mean ol' libtards who are always vandalizing elementary schools except not this one because it was YOU, DUMBASS as clearly captured by the security camera that Dr. False Graffiti Flag didn't notice. Truly, stupid is as stupid does.
The Director of the Office of Government Ethics turned in his resignation, cuz the current administration thinks ethics are only for Presidents that win the popular vote or some shit. It seems this flock of assholes negotiated their own, custom-built ethics agreements, on the back of a strip club cocktail napkin, which I imagine means any woman who finds herself alone with Mike Pence is automatically deported, and Steve Bannon's allowed to drink the blood of human children in the West Wing so long as he cleans the carpet afterwards.
Anyhow, Littlefinger awoke in Hamburg, fresh and invigorated, ready to represent America's interests at the G-20 summit!
HAHAHA I won't pretend that fooled you. Nah, he rolled out of bed, surly from the nightly torment where he dreams he is a man with hands the size of other men's, and rage-tweeted some nonsense about John Podesta and the DNC server, demonstrating simultaneously his ongoing obsession with HRC, and that he still doesn't understand the difference between the CIA and the FBI, despite having been President of the United States longer than all but 5 living human beings. He probably doesn't even know where the bathrooms are, I bet Reince has to clean his Oval Office chair six or seven times a day.
While I'm certain the Failing New York Times has dispatched reporters to burnt-out manufacturing towns to confirm that there are folks who do indeed believe the most powerful leaders on the planet gathered to gossip about Podesta and emails and such, John himself was all "Why the FUCK are you still on this, man? You're the President, and you have a mildly important job this week! EYES ON THE BALL, TWIT."
(Lil' Donnie, unmoved, sent another text to Dan Coates, once again asking him to use CIA resources to assassinate Salma Hayek for refusing to date him. Or maybe the FBI. Where do the ninjas work? We have ninjas, right?)
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally had his big meet-up with Uncle Vlad, and he greeted him with greater warmth and respect that he's shown our nation's oldest, strongest allies. He called it an "honor," shook his hand, patted his back, and briefly considered gently grinding for a few minutes before catching Rex Tillerson's stern "Now, we talked about this, wait 'till the cameras are gone" look.
The meeting, scheduled for just half an hour, apparently took, a day and half or something, as every news organization on earth breathlessly reported. (Seriously...you're getting push notifications all day that say "Yup. Still in there."
Only Rex knows for sure, but my sources say the bulk of the meeting involved Putin insisting the American President first do the Truffle Shuffle as a precondition for discussing anything relating to Ukraine, with Donnie crying for an undisclosed length of time before finally acquiescing after Melania brought him a carton of chocolate milk.
The Shart of the Deal was quick to declare victory, having emerged with a cease-fire agreement for a corner of Syria slightly larger than the Mall of America, and all he had to give in return was total capitulation on the issue of Russia attacking our democracy, which they will surely do again, cackling at the spectacular, comical, weakness/incompetence/crippling personal insecurity of our commander-in-chief.
Oh, and I guess he agreed to open a cybersecurity "bilateral working group" with the country that's been waging cyber attacks on the country he's, coughcough, FUCKING PRESIDENT OF, which is...well, different. It's a bit like giving Josh Duggar the keys to a day-care center.
But hey, Shartboy and his Boss enjoyed a wicked little laugh at the expense of the members of the press who "insulted" poor lil' Drumpfy-Poo. No worries, just the leader of the greatest democracy in human history chuckling alongside a petty thug who has journalists murdered. The far-away, longing look in his eyes told you the Jim Acosta voodoo doll that Bannon had made for him was going to get quite the workout later.
Oh, and, because they're better at this than Team Shart is, the Russians got out in front of the story in the media, bragging about how Moby Dickwad accepted Vlad's denials over the thorough assessments of his own intelligence agencies. A full day later, as I write this, nobody from the White House has substantially disputed this narrative. Unsurprisingly, the Russian media is mostly just pointing and laughing at us.
Meanwhile Russia is suspected of hacking a bunch of our Nuclear Plants (on the eve of the Putin/Drumpf summit, just to remind everyone who's in charge), and CNN tells us that the State Department keeps issuing visas to Russian intelligence agents even as Don the Con is doing all he can to water down sanctions and give Vlad his spy compounds back. He keeps telling anyone who'll listen that he thinks maybe someone other than Russia did some hacking too, we don't know, has anybody asked the Maldives what they were up that dark and stormy night, even as Jolly Jim Clapper is out on the teevee saying "NO, IT WAS ONLY RUSSIA, YOU WAD OF CUD."
By the way, did I see that these clowns actually forgot to book a hotel in Hamburg? Good lord, the people running the country aren't even smart enough to put FIND SLEEP PLACE on their checklist when traveling abroad? Somebody needs to check the nuclear missile silos right fucking now.
Meanwhile, like a spoiled toddler playing carelessly with his neighbor's toys, Little Sharty Boo-Boo tantrumed his way around the meeting, trying start a trade war, I guess over steel imports.
"C'mon, let's start a trade war against China, guys! GUYS?" the Drumpfling bellows. "Go away Donnie, we're talking about climate change," the others say, annoyed. Finally, Emmanuel Macron finds a lingerie catalogue to distract the Manbaby while the grown-ups talk about grown-up things.
Trumpal Attorney Marc Kasowitz is trying to get a former Apprentice contestant's lawsuit thrown out in court, because he thinks being President is an automatic Get Out of Sexual Harassment Suits Free Card (it's not), and also if a guy goes a little nuts and defames you from the stump while he's running for President, hey, that's just how these things work, you filthy disgusting lying tramp-whore. Kasowitz seems nice, doesn't he? Kind of fellah you'd like to drink a glass of bleach with.
The Senate GOP's Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me "Health Care Bill," keeps running into walls like Steve Bannon after he's finished his morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs But With Gin Instead of Milk. Everybody's all "Hey guys, I would rather get health care and live longer than give great big fat fucking tax cuts to multimillionaires," because they are takers and cucks, but I guess any old serf can vote in this country, so even Republicans have to pay some attention to the poors...FOR NOW. (Kris Kobach and a team of henchmen cackle ominously somewhere in the distance.)
Even Jerry "Hawley Griffin" Moran is enjoying the attention that comes with being the random McConnell foot solider opposing the bill. "The spotlight's finally on me, see, and Jerry Moran is a man who understands that opportunity doesn't knock twice!" the Sunflower State Senator proclaimed, before producing a hooked cane, seemingly from nowhere, and launching into an elaborate tap routine set to a medley of George M Cohan classics.
Ted Cruz and his bloodthirsty bud, Mike Lee, want MORE senseless death, but even Chuck Grassley of all people is suddenly all "there might be a bit too much death in this bill, and I'm a man who has been known to pass a Sunday afternoon listening to the moans of cancer patients as they expire once their lifetime coverage limits have been reached."
Anyhow, resistance is working here, folks. Stay on them phones.
See that thing where the GOP Twitter account tried to call out HRC for not having a health care plan? Children, Hilldwag might not be good at crafting slogans that fit on made-in-China baseball caps, but policy she can do from a unicycle on a tightrope. Juggling knives. Above a pit full of hungry badgers.
So she said "Here's my plan, right on my website where I left it a year an a half ago, feel free to use it, enjoy hiding from your constituents for a year and a half, wankers!" and then she rode off on a Harley to do donuts on Paul Ryan's lawn.
You'll be pleased to learn that a number of GOP Congressgrifters, including Jim "Frosty the Snow Legistlator" Inhofe, are purchasing stock in health care companies, merrily enriching themselves as they craft legislation designed to steal health care from millions of us. Is America great again yet?
Back to the G-20, other nations seem happy to step into the leadership void our mush-brained chief executive insists on opening. They're working around and against us, negotiating new trade deals without us, promising swift retaliation to any trade war shenanigans, and counting down to January 2021, when they can resume the old positive relationship with American President Dwayne Johnson.
Meanwhile SCROTUS plopped his ass right next to President Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico and once again insisted he'll get them to pay for the big stupid border wall that'll never ever ever ever get built, because it makes him feel tuff and important. Sigh.
Oh, and I guess there was another round of military exercise posturing near the North/South Korean border late last night. Because two insecure lunatics measuring cocks is how international relations works now.
Anyhow, I guess Dorito Mussolini decided he hadn't embarrassed the country quite enough on his trip, and so he sent his daughter to fill in for him at a meeting of heads of state, because she is a Princess, and I'm sorry but your low-stamina President is napping, because the job is too much for him. Oh, and literally every other country at the meeting issued a statement on climate change while Don the Con insisted on tacking on a paragraph at the end that reads "Nuh-UH!" in purple crayon, and I'm pretty much telling people I'm Canadian from here on out.
And of course there's more. Mike Pence is touching things he shouldn't (sorry, Mother) and Rick Perry's failing Econ 101 and Kobach's little voter suppression panel is already getting sued, but hey, what do you expect in the Yoyo Dodo cartoon we all live in now?
A slow news day...still swimming in madness...
Kinda quiet today, huh? With SCROTUS and so much of his team traveling to Europe, the air seemed a little sweeter, didn't it? A little less...sharty, I guess is the word I'm looking for.
Anyway, the Living Garbage Pail Kid is in Poland by now, where the compliant right-wing government has promised to bus in a crowd full of ringers to cheer him and loudly proclaim the normalness of his hand size.
Still, Ol' Shartful was greeted by a glowing green protest message, "NO TRUMP YES PARIS" projected on the Palace of Culture and Science. Drumpf was reportedly frightened at the sight of the projection, as the giant green lettering reminded him of the recent GHOSTBUSTERS remake, which he believes to be a documentary.
Anyway, I hope he found his limo in Warsaw. Or at the very least that some handler steered him to it before he wandered off into the night and joined some creepy Eastern European circus that'd dress him up like some crazed, roller-pin-wielding babushka and charge children a ruble or two to throw rotten eggs at him.
I want to take a moment to draw everybody's attention to one of the most tragic stories in America today. It seems Nikki Haley, our United Nations Ambassador, had to WORK on the holiday! Because the various members of Team Shart generally prefer to suffer in noble silence, we wouldn't even know of Haley's plight were it not for the Tweet she sent out to the entire world whinging about having to spend the day in meetings rather than joining the rest of the Cabinet in shooting bottle rockets at the bushes on the White House lawn until Sean Spicer was driven, singed and crying, into the open to be pelted with uneaten potato salad.
Well, Ambassador Haley, we in the Resistance feel your pain. We're sorry you had to work on the Fourth, you poor thing. Granted, countless thousands of Americans had to work, too, many of them in jobs that don't pay them enough to meet their basic needs, and your party is fighting like hell to steal their health insurance, but FUCK, MEETINGS ARE THE WORST, RIGHT?
Anyhow, with most of the usual suspects quiet today, maybe we can focus on how the modern GOP, independent of Sphincter-Faced Goon who took over last summer, is cruelly, uncontrollably, gleefully, batguano cray all on their own, shall we?
Let's start with Louisiana Congressmoron Clay Higgins, who decided that Auschwitz was the appropriate backdrop for a self-aggrandizing video that called, horrifyingly, for an "invicible" military, a sentiment shared by the builders of the gas chambers Clay decided to use as his theatrical backdrop. That Higgins, who has previously called for the indiscriminate murder of all those merely suspected of being "radicalized," should be so hideously, cartoonishly lacking in self-awareness should surprise no one at this point. But still. Fuck, bro. What's wrong with you?
Didja see that Florida Republicans passed a law that enables any random jag to challenge any aspect of the curriculum in the public schools in their district? They really fucking did this. So now that guy who gets all jacked up on bath salts and fucks an alligator to death can go your daughter's grade school and challenge the math book BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SIX TIMES EIGHT MEANS IT'S TIME TO CHEW THE GYM TEACHER'S FACE OFF, KIDDIES!
Of course, that's not the bill's intention, I shouldn't be so silly. The point is for crazed evangelical lunatics to gain legal standing to chase climate change and evolution and other aspects of the Demon Men Call Science out of our schools, because "Goddammit, if my kid's gonna be raised a dumbass, it ain't fair for your kids to get a real education, they'll have a leg up."
Mitch McConnell and his band of entry-level Koch employees, excuse me, "United States Senators," continue their quest to find the maximum number of American lives to ruin and/or end without facing electoral consequences, bless their black, shriveled, little hearts.
Word is Ted Cruz and Mike Lee, America's favorite pair of incorrigible lunatics, reeeeeaalllly want to squeeze as much murder as possible into the bill, while Dean Heller frantically scrambles for a photo op where he like, plugs some grandmother's respirator back in, or something.
So Mitch finds himself caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place here, especially since Rand Paul on the I-would-literally-hunt-and-eat-the-poor-if-I-could-get-away-with-it Right and Susan Collins on the I'm-running-for-governor-and-I-can't-win-if-my-constituents-notice-I'm-killing-them Center keep indicating their opposition is more or less cast in stone. (GET IT? ROCK? STONE? I'll stop now.) Shit, all Mitch wants to do is lay a shit-ton of eggs on the beach and swim away into the sea for a year or so, you'd almost feel bad for him if he wasn't such a power-mad evil fuckhead. But he is. So, y'know...fuck him.
Meanwhile, individual Republican Senators are doing everything in their power to avoid anything that even resembles a constituent on their holiday recess. They're either refusing to meet with any citizens, or doing so only in the most out-of-the-way, hard-to-reach, deep-red corners of their states. Shit, Pat Toomey had a fake, invitation-only "town hall," hoping nobody would notice the protesters he refused to let in. We told Pat we noticed, but he just squinted real hard and covered his ears and insisted we weren't real. If I found out that, say, Roy Blunt, scheduled an open town hall in Gotham City or Narnia or some shit, hoping to slip back to D.C. before anybody figured it out, I wouldn't even blink.
And hey, no need to keep the spotlight solely on the political class! Nah, let's get down in the weeds and spend some time with the base! These Real Muricans who every media outlet tells me matter more than anyone else despite their inability to tell the difference between observable reality and Pizzagate.
Seems a bunch of the little Shartkins whipped themselves up into a state of extra-frothy rage at National Public Radio for their terrible horrible no good very bad divisiveness! How dare they criticize the God Emperor by...tweeting out quotes from the Declaration of Independence?
C'mon, really? REALLY? I mean, if these folks were bright, they'd have seen through Don the Con like the rest of us, but...yelling at the fuckin' DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE? Are we 100% sure this is real? Because if somebody told me we were all living inside an unfinished draft screenplay of a Michael Bay movie, I'd go, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...makes sense."
Good Gravy, this stuff with CNN and the internet hatebeast that made the stupid WWF video? I guess the big cause on the right today is...give me a minute, this is so epically fucking stupid that I can't be sure I'm getting it right...that CNN blackmailed the guy (they didn't) and he's only 15 (he's a grown man) and they doxxed him (again, no) and it's some kind of evil fake news media assault on a Trump supporter (wait, what?) and they broke some laws (wh-am I on a hidden camera show or something?) and it's...fuck. I get it. Y'all hate the media, and you don't really need an excuse to run around ripping your hair out and screeching about whatever perceived sin they've committed, but c'mon...you're sticking up for some rando that makes a bunch of racist hate memes? Is this, finally, what the American Right has come to? WHO WILL THINK OF THE ANONYMOUS REDDIT KLANSMEN?
There was that little thing where it turns out that the gender pay gap among White House staff under the Shart is wider than it's been in years, you saw that, right? Puts you in a weird position, doesn't it? Like, our values are our values, but are we rooting for Omarosa and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to get raises?
Oh, and Hobby Lobby, aka the Tip of the Spear of Religious Liberty, got caught smuggling thousands of ancient artifacts out of Iraq, because while covering birth control for their employees is against their religion, years of massive, organized theft isn't, in spite of Thou Shalt Not Steal being engraved rather clearly on all those Ten Commandments monuments these fucks are always trying to install in publicly-owned spaces.
Funny, how often the folks who spend half their lives passing judgment on the morality of others turn out to be criminals who don't live by the rules they'd force on the rest of the world...innit?
Huh. There was a bit more insanity than I'd initially thought. Well, let's all take a breath, open a beer, and get back to photoshopping Chris-Christie-on-the-Beach into assorted amusing historical and fictional scenes. If there's a God, that's why he made us.
Oooooo, holiday madness! Different!
Hey there, folks. The insanity seems to be merely simmering this long holiday weekend, congress is in recess and Baron Golfin von Fatfuk merrily roams his natural habitat for a few extra days. But let's check in real quick.
Still, what better way to ring in our annual celebration of Independence and Liberty than by undermining the free press, and encouraging violence against journalists, amiright? C'mon in, grab a hot dog, there's a condiment bar over there by the ammo bin!
Yup yup, the Candycorn Skidmark, having ceased his emotional development as a toddler, passed on a cutesy little gif from his wrasslin' days, o-so-cleverly doctored to make it look as though it was CNN (or I guess some cube-faced, CNN-branded genetic experiment gone wrong) and not Vince McMahon he was taking out with his poorly-executed clothesline (Seriously, man, a referee could pull that move off better! Can't you do any fucking thing right?), because that it a normal thing that 70-year-old men do.
For extra fun, the gif in question seems to have been created by one of the grimier racist trolls dwelling near the vents of the sewage treatment plant of Reddit's sphinctersphere or whatever the fuck the MRA/gamergate/alt-human crowd feels like calling themselves, I honestly don't give a shit.
Amusingly, this information comes to us on the first anniversary of Drumpfy's equally made-by-racist-trolls Star of David tweet, remember that? If a Twitter Trumpkin still insists the ol' God Emperor isn't racist, and no one believes him, does he make a sound as he masturbates, alone in his mom's basement, to anime?
Oh, and Smallhands Magoo is getting ready for his big performance review, heh, 'scuse me, "meeting" with Daddy Vlad at the G20 summit. Word is, he isn't planning on even lightly admonishing Putin for his repeated, sustained attacks on our nation's democracy, because...well...
...because the President of the United States doesn't care about the country's security. At all.
Isn't that a weird lil' thing to be dealing with? I confess, nothing in my American history n' civics schooling prepared me for the eventuality of the country being led by a butthole-faced dirtbag who cares more about being criticized on cable tv than about protecting the nation from foreign attacks. EVERY DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE I GUESS.
Meanwhile, Kris Kobach continues to receive "Go fuck yourself" responses from various state-level officials for his sinisterly pathetic attempted data grab. Sources close to Kobach tell me he plans on collecting them all in a tasteful binder, displayed alongside those collectible state-themed quarters from a few years back. He hopes to eventually give the binder to his grandchildren in an effort to bribe them into communicating with him, but they won't, because Grampa Kris is white supremacist who tried to sell his country out to petty authoritarians, and no one will say his name without immediately spitting.
Oh, and Kris got hit with a Hatch Act complaint, lots of that going around these days. Almost enough to make you think these fucks fancy themselves above the law. Tick tock, assholes.
Team Shart is reportedly at work on a plan to smuggle Sunny D-bag into Great Britain on short notice so nobody has enough time to organize protests. Do they think it takes, like, a month and a half to make a posterboard sign that says "Oi, fuck off ye wee-fingered cunt?" Geniuses, the people ain't.
Speaking of genius, the Senile Circus Peanut pried himself away from the teevee long enough to deliver some batshit remarks about space, while Buzz Aldrin looked at him like the child-brained lunatic he is, and we had a little a laugh, because if he's babbling incoherently about space travel, I guess he can't order the bombing of Cleveland because Jerry Springer made fun of him on Twitter.
Chris Christie, with approval ratings lower that "Having Syphilis and Being Set on Fire and Also You Live in a Port-a-Potty," decided he has nothing left to lose and went FULL JAG this weekend. After shutting down the government, (and thus all public parks and beaches) in a budget scrap with his legislature, Governor Jag took his family out for a private party on one of the beaches the people own, but can't use this holiday weekend because Christie shut the government down. And of course he lied about it, and of course he caught in the lie, photographed by some enterprising journalists at NJ Advanced Media (journalists are the fuckin' BEST, y'all).
This is NOT what Bruce Springsteen would do, Chris. I wonder if we got a kickstarter going, if we could commission The Boss to write a song about what a sad sorry sack o' shit Chris Christie is. Somebody get on that.
The Anthropomorphic Outhouse apparently caught wind of the tragic story of Charlie Gard, and decided to use a grieving family to score some cheap points. He offered them his help in transporting Charlie to the United States for an experimental treatment with an extremely low chance of success. It seems almost noble, until you remember the GOP "healthcare" (how Paul Ryan says that without cackling like a demon escapes me) bill he's been pushing would kick millions off medicaid and impose lifetime coverage caps, directly creating God knows how many thousands of Charlie Gards.
But still, the Breitbart crowd takes this as proof that their boy is history's great humanitarian now. And they'll likely keep on believing it right up 'till the moment when Tom Price shows up at their door to reclaim their transplanted kidney for non-payment of bills. (Price reportedly likes to rip the repossessed organs out with his bare hands, chanting "KALI MAAAAAAAAA" at the top of his lungs.)
In the midst of all this fuckery, Fox News is so desperate to cover any damn thing except the actual news they actually put some kid who cleaned up Tangerine Idi Amin's walk of fame star on the air. Kid, you can wipe it off, but that thing's still gonna get pissed on more than All the Urinal Cakes West of the Mississippi Put Together.
But hey, the news ain't all bad, resisters! Swamp Thing Villain Scott Pruitt lost a big court case on pollution standards, and the death merchants at the NRA lost a stand-yer-ground case in Florida. And if nothing else, we're one day closer to the Goddamn Midterms, which you should all vote in.
Anyway, have a happy Fourth, everybody! Hope Drumpf doesn't sell your hometown to Putin for a handful of shiny, shiny beads!
Later than usual due to the sheer volume of batshit crazy nonsense, my apologies.
Folks, when you wake up to find former Attorney General Eric Holder felt the need to send out, like, the St. Crispin's Day Tweet to "the career men & women at DOJ/FBI," you fucking well know that Shit. Be. Cray.
And it is. Shit is also hitting the fan. Cray shit is hitting the fan and spreading insanity and poo all over your bedroom, BETCHA WISH YOU HAD CENTRAL AIR, RIGHT?
Oh Sweet Jesus Rubbin' His Ass on Your Brand New Carpet, this thing with Joe and Mika!
Because he is crazed, sloppy maniac, Shart Garfunkel apparently hate-watches Morning Joe while they report on what a sack of fetid hippo turds he is, and it makes him mad...der than usual. So yesterday he lost his shit and somehow managed to force his limp, inadequate, baby hands to tweet out some hateful sexist garbage about how Mika luvs Drumpf so much but he's over her cuz there was blood coming out of her wherever from a face lift.
While any decent human being can recognize this as unacceptably repulsive behavior, let's not forget that SCROTUS has surrounded himself with some fantastically indecent human beings, and they dutifully marched out to defend the Bathtub Clog That Somehow Won the Electoral College, because they figure their souls are a long fucking gone by now.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders was all "The American people clearly wanted a Neanderthal Hate Beast as President," before moving on to opine that gun violence happens because of the inferior morality in Chicago COUGHCOUGHITSTHEBLACKPEOPLE or some shit. After her musings on righteousness, SHS excused herself to have tea and biscuits with her daddy's multiple child molester friends.
Kellyanne was equally indignant, impugning the patriotism of those who insist on reporting that our Piece of Shit President is a Piece of Shit. Since this wouldn't be the last time Kellyanne's name popped up in today's gnus, I'll just leave this alone for right now, walking away with a dark chuckle at Kellyanne's "patriotism."
Anyhow, Joe n' Mika counter-counter-punched, telling the world that Team Shart sicced the National Enquirer on them, and that high ranking executive branch officials told them that if they just apologized and eased up on the ournalism-jay, then Boss Shart could make the story go away, and America wouldn't need to know that Joe fathered an alien duck baby with that space hooker he met at the Tesla concert.
No big deal, just the President of the United States and his staff trying to blackmail members of the free press into providing more favorable coverage.
If this shit keeps up, Bashful Bob Mueller's investigative team is gonna need more staff than a mid-twentieth-century Hollywood Biblical Epic. THE TEN INDICTMENTS, whaddya think?
(Some folks are saying Jar-Jar is swept up in the whole colluding-with-a-tabloid-to-blackmail-journalists deal. I just think it'd be a shame if he went to jail before he can finish bringing peace to the Middle East.)
Mitch McConnell's health care headaches got worse, as the CBO released a direct-to-DVD sequel to their score of his MurderBill, saying "Oh yeah, he tried to trick us by putting the steepest cuts to Medicaid outside the ten year window we usually look at, but we noticed, NICE TRY, DONATELLO!"
Now, we know from experience that Shartboy tends to mindlessly ape the views of the last person who talked to him, and on the health care front, that seems to have been Rand Paul. So the Idiot Manchild parrots Rand's pet idea that they should just repeal Obamacare straight out, and then hope for the fucking best when it comes to the replacing.
And now the furthest-right members of the Senate GOP caucus are running around the playground, high on Pixy Stix and Grape Crush, taunting the others "nyah nyah, the President agrees with MEEEEE!!!!!!!" and giving all the moderates wedgies. Now, this makes Yertle's job much tougher, because he's being tugged from the semi-rational center AND the lunatic right, so maybe this whole thing will fall apart and millions of Americans will get to, y'know, GROW OLD BECAUSE THEY WON'T DIE FROM TREATABLE SHIT, but just in case, let's keep blasting these fuckers' phone lines, huh?
The Man With a Tumor-Filled Scrotum For a Heart is apparently really excited about his upcoming employee evaluation with Vlad Putin. Nobody can seem to convince Donnie that Russia isn't our BFF, that they'll never return that copy of River City Ransom he loaned them six months ago, that they FUCKING ATTACKED OUR DEMOCRACY, and in fact he's asked the National Security Council to prepare a list of "deliverables" to offer Vlad, because he is not a Russian agent even a little bit. What those "deliverables" may be, God only knows, but I'm assuming it's a couple of nuclear subs and maybe Delaware.
Axios reported that the Marmalade Shartcannon is all damp n' sweaty to get his trade war started, because he is a stupid, stupid man who thinks that such a thing can be done without consequences. Everybody except Animate Lawn Gnome Wilbur Ross and Steve "Darth Wino" Bannon kept yelling "FUCK NO YOU FUCKHEADED MORON" at him, but hey, maybe we'll get to see a U.S.-led global financial meltdown, that'll be...different.
The Pumpkin Spice Assclown's shitty racist travel ban went into effect, and we learned that we're using it to keep an all-girl group of Afghan teen inventors from attending a robotics competition they'd earned their way into, thank god we've been protected from this grave threat, it was probably going to be like, Ultron, Only For Jihad, like it would only attack bakers who refused to make cakes for gay weddings.
Kris Kobach's "Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People" campaign kicked into gear today. For starters, Hans Von Spakovsky, frustrated after several failed attempts to kill Captain America, joined the commission. Hans is the OG vote suppressor, so of course he wants in.
Anyhow, Kobach sent out this ridiculous letter demanding that states turn over all kinds of information a little Nazi like him shouldn't be trusted with; names, addresses, drivers license numbers, SSNs, do you prefer cake or pie, how attractive on a scale of 1-10 do you find Chris Pine (now, I'm straight, but in all honestly I have to say "at least 6" , did you eat the last Hot Pocket DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME CARL, and several years' worth of voting histories.
Needless to say, state officials from both parts are telling Kris where he can stick his letter. Mississippi's Republican Secretary of State even told him he could jump in the Gulf of Mexico, so other officials are feeling pressure to up their game. "Make like a tree and go fuck yourself," reads a draft from Illinois, but the SoS thinks he can probably do better if he sleeps on it.
Most hilariously, Kansas Secretary of State...wait for it...Kris Kobach...announced he can't comply with his own records request because of state privacy law. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHOHGODIHURTMYBACK
Oh, and there was that little story the Wall Street Journal broke.
The one about that GOP operative/activist, what was his name? Peter Smith?
Something about...forgive me, I've got a couple beers in me...something about...colluding with Russian hackers to gain access to Hillary Clinton's e-mails and pass them on to the Drumpf campaign, via Mike Flynn and his Angry Thumb of a son? Yeah, that one.
Weird, that Hannity and Hume and the other toadies in the right wing media started singin' that whole "Colluding with a hostile foreign power ain't no thang" tune a few days ago, don'tcha think?
Now, just for a little extra flava, Peter Smith died a few days after giving his interview with the Journal. And that's...a bit weird. Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe he was like, terminally ill and trying to clear his conscience in order to get a nicer cot in hell. Or hey, maybe Reince Pubis got wind that he'd spilled the beans, and had him polonium 210'd. Maybe he's been haunting Shart House aides since his death, and Steve Bannon is just now realizing he's not a pink elephant, who can say?
But that was last night. TONIGHT, we learned that Peter had listed not only Flynn, but Kellyanne "SuperPatriot" Conway and Steve "Satan's Servant on Earth" Bannon in a recruitment document for said collusion-with-Russia project.
FUCK.
And if you haven't read Matt Tait's piece over at Lawfare, filling in some of the gaps in this story, and describing his own experience with it, you need to jump over there and read that shit right fucking now. Don't worry, my last paragraph isn't that funny.
Folks, I know there's more. The Shart wants to sue CNN and invade North Korea and I guess spend all that Meals on Wheels money he's cutting on going into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace, and we all found out how many of our tax dollars are going to Bannon's gin fund and Omarosa's gilded "The Honorable" stationary, and fuck knows what else, but it's late, and these last three beers ain't gonna drink themselves. Be well, and, as always, VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Another day in the land of cray...
Hey, before we get started, let me shout out to Pacifist Patriot for that Time cover mockup, I've been smiling all day about that. And beyond that, a huge thanks to everybody here at DU, I'm having the time of my life and I'm glad some of you are enjoying this shit. There really is a blog coming soon, I hope you'll join me there...
ANYHOW.
Forgive me folks, I got a late start today, so if any of the insanity slips through the cracks, it's just because I'm stuck in this straightjacket, and operating my tablet requires a fairly exhausting series of physical contortions. From what I've been able to process, though...shit remains cray.
Hey, did I tell you I have a cat that eats only schadenfreude? And boy howdy, she is getting fucking fat these days. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. (And if this was a musical, I'd tell you IN SONG but it isn't a musical so fuck off.)
Well, we learned that Strawberry Shartcake has been decorating his clubs with a phony Time Magazine cover, which is the kind of thing only the most confident and secure men do, right?
Seriously, can you imagine? Can you imagine the sort of crushing insecurity that would make a human being create a fake magazine cover to impress the rich idiots who are already paying him to golf? Time asked Shartboy to take the fake covers, apparently on display in at least five Drumpf properties, down, so I can only assume that Admiral Mike Rogers spent most of his morning explaining why he couldn't have the entire magazine's staff murdered by ninjas.
Also, a hotel in Toronto paid a fat chunk of money for nothing more than the privilege of scraping Drumpf's sharty little name off their building. I forget, is it good or bad for your political career when people are willing to flush dollars, even Canadian dollars, down the toilet just to avoid being associated with you?
Oh, and an investigation into the National Park Service revealed that no, nobody at NPS had to doctor any photographs of Ol' Shartful's inauguration, it just turns out that not very many folks felt like showing up to to watch America's first Sack of Donkey Shit President get sworn in.
Furthermore, the Senate Intelligence Committee is getting the famous Comey memos! They've also gotten ahold of some 2,000 financial documents from the treasury department related to Orange Julius Caesar and his inner circle. And Roger Stone will be testifying before the House Intelligence Committee next month.
...so, surely it's a coincidence that Donnie's closest media allies are taking "Is collaborating with Russia really so bad" out for a test drive. Surely.
Equally coincidental is Paul "Shit, I Was Only Campaign Manager For a Few Months" Manafort suddenly deciding to file some paperwork that's all "Did I not say I was a foreign agent? My bad, I thought you asked 'Do I watch The Great British Bakeoff?'"
Most hilariously, after faux-Christian grifter Jay Sekulow became Spraytan Pol Pot's lawyer and spokesman, he got the Investigative Journalism treatment, and it quickly surfaced that he's been bilking rubes to finance his family's high-class lifestyle, and now he's under investigation HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
...anyhow, you can see why my schadenfreude-eating cat has put on weight.
Shameless Congressassipe Jason Chaffetz formally moved on to the private sector, but not before whinging a bit about how financially challenging it is being a Congressasswipe, and how maybe if he got an extra 2,500 bucks a month for housing, he coulda stuck around and continued to chastise the working poor for owning phones. Weep for poor Jason Chaffetz, who has fallen on such hard times that he must now accept a contract as a Fox News contributor, where he will make god knows how much money to sit behind a desk and continue demonizing the poor, especially those who have been foolish enough not to have been born white and male.
Littlefinger got distracted from the five minutes of diplomacy he was required to conduct with the new Irish Taoiseach (ok, fine, I just learned that word today, you got me.) to hit on a reporter, because Melania smacks him every time he gets grabby, which is bullshit, Kennedy was rolling in pussy, why did I even run for shit job, tell Reince to get me some hookers goddammit!
Scott Pruitt, a relatively minor demon placed in charge of the EPA, had a quickie lil' meeting with the CEO of Dow, and decided that we didn't need a silly thing like a ban on a pesticide that damages brain development in fetuses and young children, because who are we to obstruct the free market for something as insignificant as children's brains?
Sarah Huckabee Sanders continues to prove herself to be the most gleefully willing fascist collaborator in the whole regime. None of Sean Spicer's half-hearted attempts at logic with SHS; fuck that! Nah, she'll unhesitatingly call on the world to watch Widely-Known Scatmuncher James O'Keefe's latest piece of propaganda, even as she acknowledges she can't vouch for its accuracy. And then, Loki love her, in the very same fucking press event, she can chastise the media for Fake News or some shit. And suddenly Alan Moore is forced to rewrite V FOR VENDETTA, because his propagandists seem too subtle and honest to be credible.
Mitch McConnell's Malicious Maneuver towards Mass Murder continues to hit snags, so turtle tears are plentiful tonight.
A bunch of polls came out showing that Mitch's bill is about as popular as getting a lap dance from rusty lawnmower. Seriously, everybody shows this bill with below 20% approval, with nearly half of the country "strongly" disapproving, which you have to assume means the polled were screaming FUCK NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE JUST SO SHELDON ADELSON CAN HAVE HIS CHILDHOOD HOME BRONZED at the pollsters.
Anyhow, there's plenty of opposition, from the lunatic right and also from the begrudgingly-admitting-that-poor-people-might-be-almost-human center. Shit, even Jerry, "The Invisible Senator" Moran came out against it, and Mitch makes Jerry sleep in a crate if Jerry ever tries to speak on the floor of the Senate.
Apparently there was a GOP conference lunch today where the moderates and the conservatives got together to shout at each other, and they couldn't even agree on who would get to be the Jets or the Sharks, but Yertle seems to think they can have a new bill by Friday. In related news, my seven-volume novel about the tribulations of an orphan boy navigating the complex politics of the Spanish Civil War, of which I have not so much as a treatment finished, will also be ready by Friday.
(I seriously don't want to get cocky about any of this, because the House showed us that these fucks have a tremendous will to fuck over the poor in the name of tax cuts for their donors, but tonight, I'm going take a moment to enjoy another round of pieces on how the Shart of the Deal can't get shit done. WaPo's is particularly gloaty.)
Meanwhile, the best the folks over at Pravda, excuse me, "Fox News" can come up with is, "Well shit, we're all gonna die anyhow, why bother with insurance?" I seriously pinched myself seven times watching that video, so I'm fairly certain it actually happened.
Oh hey, didja see that video the National Rifle Association released today? Nice to see the folks who've been working for ISIS are starting to get freelance work. Seriously though, that is some horrifying shit, it's about a step and a half away from "It's okay to murder your neighbor if they voted for Hilldawg," and it's one of the most bone-chilling things I've ever watched in my life. (And I watched election night last November, soooooooooooo...)
Desperate to seem effective in any way, however small, the Candycorn Skidmark shot his mouth off about "liberating towns" from foreign gangs. Hell, even Sean Hannity's not gonna pick that one up, Shart-Shart. Seriously. Name a town you've "liberated." (No, "Brigadoon" is not a real town.)
I saw a late article about how Secretary of State T-Rex got mad and yelled at some Shart House staff about how their incompetence is making his incompetence harder or some shit. Boo fucking hoo. All your names are going to be carved on a monument that the country will use as a public restroom for generations to come. If you serve this ethically vacant administration, your descendants will renounce your name for the raw shame of it, who the fuck cares if you're having a slap fight over inconsequential shit? Fuck all y'all.
Of course there's more. There's always more. Forgive me, I'm dealing with the emotional fallout of watching my beloved Bryzzo standing, smiling, next to everyone's least favorite Poop Mistake. I'll pick up the slack later in the week...one way or another, don't forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Love you all...
The Ferret, aka Shower Cap
None of this is really happening, right? RIGHT?
How crazy is shit these days? Well, they're exhuming Salvador Dali. They are literally DIGGING UP SALVADOR DALI'S BODY AND HE WILL LEAD AN ARMY OF ZOMBIE SURREALISTS THAT SHALL SWEEP ACROSS THIS EARTH AND DESTROY THE WORLD OF SANITY FOR ALL TIME.
Fuck, y'all, I can't even figure out Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk's tweets anymore. One day Russian interference is fake news and a hoax, the next it happened but I guess it's Obama's fault because...shit, I can't fucking figure out why. Like, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I think I've got like, an ingenious idea for the next HBO serial, and I write it down and go back to sleep and when I wake up my notepad says "NHL Playoffs - but with Pandas!!!!" and I'm forced to come to terms with the fact that my barely-awake self is perhaps not quite Hemingway. Not Shart Garfunkel, tho. He fires those thoughts straight off into the official Presidential record.
Further Shart House spin holds that the Candycorn Skidmark was SUPER CLEVER in using his totally-made-up story about having tapes of their conversations to deviously trick James Comey into...into...into confirming every detail of the story that he's been telling all along, only under oath, and also getting Bob Mueller appointed Special Counsel and getting the President investigated for obstruction of justice...? I guess? Yeah, he's a real goddamn chess master, that Donald Trump.
Over the weekend, the Marmalade Shartcannon sat out Pride and refused to continue the tradition of hosting an iftar dinner during Ramadan, but he sure did golf a whole fucking bunch.
To really drive home just where the administration's priorities lie, they're defunding the State Department office that monitors and combats anti-semitism abroad, and, somewhat cartoonishly, DHS cut off funding for a program that helps people transition away from White Supremacist hate organizations. Hey, you can't expect a guy to shrink his own base, AMIGHT?
Speaking of the weekend and white supremacists, Team Shart turned out not one, but two hilariously-under-attended "rallies" in D.C. on Sunday. For a little extra comedy, the two wee-as-their-God-Emperor's-hands gatherings decided to go to war...with each other! It seems RIchard Spencer's pathetic American Nazis and Jack Posobiec's Shakespeare-fearing Shartkins each think the other faction is super-lame! In a bit of fun irony, they're BOTH RIGHT! Anyhow, they're yelling at one another on twitter, waving competing Gasden Flags and generally making asses of themselves, as is their habit.
Also, in perhaps the most stunning news in all of human history, it seems as though Jared Kushner was not able to bring peace to the Middle East.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to recover from inevitable fainting spell)
It seems Jar-Jar, as a representative of the U.S. government, went to Mahmoud Abbas of Palestine with a list of Bibi's demands, which didn't go over so well. You can't blame Jared, tho...it's not like ANYONE WHO'S DONE TWELVE MINUTES OF READING ON THE SUBJECT COULD'VE TOLD YOU HOW COLOSSALLY FUCKING STUPID THAT WOULD BE MY GOD JARED HOW DO YOU EVEN GET YOUR PANTS ON YOU FUCKING IDIOT?
Or wait, maybe it is.
(Jared is also probably still embarrassed that he held a press conference and allowed the world to hear his weenie little castrato voice, but he did, and we can all laugh at him forever now.)
Gowdy Doody took over the Oversight gavel, and promptly announced that he won't be doing anything to investigate Russia, or the President's blatant obstruction of justice, cuz after all, Drumpf is not a Democrat.
In the background, a few voices in the Right Wing Media Bubba-uhl seem to have, through some miracle, hit simultaneously on the talking point that "So what if Donnie Darko collaborated with a hostile foreign power to win election! There's nothing illegal or wrong about that!" (It is both super illegal and super wrong.) If this is what passes for "getting out ahead of a story" these days, heaven help us all.
Didja see that shit where the Failing New York Times published a full-page list of All the President's Lies? What'll be extra fun is next week when they find some out-of-work coal miner in Pennsylvania, and run down that list one by one, revealing he believes every single lie is gospel truth and that the lamestream media is composed entirely of Hollywood lesbian terrorist refugee atheists.
Sean Spicer continues to hide his shameful love handles by banning cameras during press briefings. Jim Acosta remains pissed and pissy about this development; my sources tell me plans to settle the issue with Spicer INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM. (There was a fun little bit of trolling where CNN invited a courtroom sketch artist in, and y'know what they say, Sean, the sketch artist adds 15 pounds, and O how we will laugh at this when they start throwing journalists in prison!)
I guess ol' Sergey Kislyak is takin' the last train to Moscow, and headin' home! Seems Daddy Vlad has recalled him. I dunno, in spite of all the ongoing controversy, that seems unnecessary, since apparently no member of the Republican Party can ever recall being in a room with Sergey, which I assume is his mutant power.
Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Frendz to say she tries to stay out of politics, despite having a job in the White House, which I can only assume is an attempt to Gaslight me personally. Well it won't work, Ivanka! I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I LEFT THAT BROOCH, AND YOU'LL NEVER TELL ME ANY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!
Oh hey, it was SCOTUS decision day, and we finally got to meet Neil Gorsuch, Unremovable Arbiter of All American Law For Life. The good news is, he's an absolute monster, who thinks guns have more rights than LGBT Americans; he may as well be Scalia's brain transplanted in a younger body, and he'll be on the fucking bench for decades.
Wait, did I see good news? That's the bad news. The good news I JUST SAVED A FUCKTON OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE HAW HAW HAW HAW HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYS HAVING REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS WHILE THEY'VE GOT 'EM.
Speaking of SCOTUS, they kinda sorta held up a watered down version of the watered down version of the Shart's travel ban. The ban was supposed to be a temporary fix while the administration figured out XXXtreme vetting or some shit, and that deadline was weeks ago, but who's counting? Anyhow, since we've all been overwhealmed by the tidal wave of refugee-born violence that the Ban was supposed to prevent, I guess it's THANKS FOR NUTHIN', SUPREMES.
Oh wait, what's that? No refugees or visitors from the travel ban countries have done anyone any harm? Even though white supremacists are running amok, coast to coast?
HUH. WEIRD.
The big gnus, of course, is still Mitch McConnell's attempt at one-stop serial killer immortality.
There weren't too many GOPers willing to defend the bill on the Sunday Shoz, mostly because selling this massive-upwards-redistribution-of-wealth-bill as a "health care" reform without breaking down in Austin-Powers-villain-style laughter is much, much harder than it looks. Still, a few tried.
Knowing that a bill that kicks millions off of their insurance and cuts billions for Medicaid will be cripplingly unpopular, they just marched out and told everyone that their bill neither kicks anybody off insurance nor makes any cuts to Medicaid. Naw, it gives people MORE insurance and also a pony and three boxes of Thin Mints and a handjob from a supermodel!
Hey, if their voters think Cheeto Himmler's gonna get Mexico to pay for that border wall and that Podesta ran a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, getting them to believe that Medicaid cuts aren't Medicaid cuts really isn't that heavy a lift.
In further evidence of his strategic genius SHARTUS told an interviewer that not only did he call the House version of the AHCA "mean," but that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA stole "mean" from him, which might be fair, since more folks are opting for words like "cruel," "medieval," or "murderous." What can I say, Donnie? "Mean" really IS your brand.
Donnie insists he wants a bill with "Heart." Heart...as in, a steady supply of human hearts for Steve Bannon to eat, after soaking them overnight in gin, of course.
Meanwhile, Kellyanne was all, hey, get a job, all you children, elderly and disabled folks, as well as the people who work at shitty companies like Wal-Mart that refuse to pay a living wage, because Kellyanne is a garbage human being who probably spends a substational chunk of her day hoping that Hell isn't real.
Ron Johnson, a real intellectual heavyweight in the modern Republican Party, compared charging a person with a preexisting condition more for health insurance to charging a driver who gets into a wreck more for car insurance, which makes sense, because almost every baby born in America pops straight from Mom's womb to the front seat of a Range Rover and goes on a coke-fueled joyride.
Anyhow, the CBO score dropped this afternoon, and it's pretty much what you'd expect. 22 million more uninsured, with more to come once the Medicaid cuts kick in in earnest, higher premiums for shittier insurance, especially for the poor, but godDAMN do the rich get a sweet, sexxxxxxy tax break!
So far Dean Heller and Susan Collins have claimed the two get-out-of-jail-free cards, so Lisa Murkowski and Shelley Moore Capito are squirming a bit. On the other side of things, lunatics like Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are upset that the bill leaves too many takers alive, and even the feral clowns of the House Freedom Caucus insist that more American corpses be thrown atop their sacrificial pyre, because whatever God these bastards worship needs to bathe hourly in the blood of the senselessly dead, I guess.
Reuters tells us that the rest of the world hates us more and more every day under Tangerine Idi Amin's reign. And that's even AFTER he went to Saudi Arabia to harness the power of the mighty Orb. The effect is especially pronounced in our closest allies like Canada and Mexico, and the Shart himself is viewed less favorably than even his Uncle Vlad. Are we the bad guys now? Did we like, turn heel?
Well, if shit isn't cray enough for ya, Martin Shkreli and Joe Arpaio are going on trial and Grover Norquist is tweeting stupid shit about sales tax and Justin Trudeau is high-fiving kids at the Pride Parade wearing rainbow socks which isn't fair, I remember when we had a cool President, and didn't live in fucking Bizarro WestWingland, fuck you Canada.
Did anything happen today? Wasn't paying much attention is shit still cray?
Well, I think I may be windin' these roundups down, folks...frankly, it seems like the madness is more or less subsiding so, I gu-
...wait, what? Bill Cosby's gonna go around the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual harassment charges?
Shit, never mind. Lock me up in an asylum. And none of this modern, politically correct care-n'-treatment shit, give me a fucking 50's black-and-white nut house, with electroshock therapy and misguided performances from overzealous method actors.
Hey, I don't want to spoil Bill's little TED talk, but the secret is Be a Rich Powerful Dude and I Guess You Can Drug and Rape Women Every Third Day For Your Entire Life, plus you can pose with Cosby for a selfie for an extra 35 bucks.
Didja see that thing where a congressdoorknob from Texas said that Bill Clinton threatened to murder Loretta Lynch JUST LIKE VINCE FOSTER? That's a dude who decides what our laws are. Sleep tight.
The Shart House seems to have developed a theory that if they just shut down press access, eventually the Squawking Manbaby's twitter feed will be the only source of news in America, and the plebes will have no choice but to blindly trust them.
So I guess we're done with on-camera press briefings, because Spicey's getting love handles from all the shit his boss makes him eat. Jim Acosta's not havin' any of that trash, and he's started training with nunchucks, so watch out! And Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently got super-pissy and told reporters "You better not tell mom that I'm not allowing you to record anything anymore! Shut up, I'm not afraid of perjury, YOUR FACE IS AFRAID OF PERJURY!!"
The Congressional Black Caucus declined a meeting with the Marmalade Shartcannon, possibly because he insists they all wear nametags that read "My African-American." Also, they were all, "Fuck you and your stupid-ass wall and your stupid-ass travel ban and your doll-like hands, and by the way the way, WTF is up with Omarasa calling herself 'The Honorable Omarasa?' What's next? Are you gonna get her a Burger King crown and a plastic scepter? How fucking crazy are you people?"
Somebody turned up the fun little detail that while Shart Carney is calling for massive cuts to public housing programs, he's keeping intact the one government subsidy...that wow-how-weird-is-this? PUTS TAXPAYER MONEY DIRECTLY IN HIS OWN POCKET. There's just some opening-scenes-of-MAGNOLIA-grade coincidence going on here.
And of course the Russia story continues its steady drip, how many FBI directors does a guy have to fire to fix that faucet, AMIRIGHT?
Time (the magazine, not the unstoppable force that kills us all) tells us that the Russians were successful in stealing some voter info, and even altering some voter data, isn't that a fun little fact? Oh, and the House Intelligence Committee is investigating whether any of this stolen data wound up in the hands of anyone working on a certain Tumorous Tangelo's campaign, which would be collusion, wow isn't it weird that all these fucks are hiring lawyers?
Somehow, improbably, with multiple investigations and news organizations and basically the entire fucking world digging into all their shady ties with Boris and Natasha and their amazing friends, these fuckheads continue doing Uncle Vlad's bidding at every opportunity.
Seriously. After a massively bipartisan Russian sanctions bill passed the Senate, Shartboy wants to water it down. Rex Tillerson looks to the nation that tried to hack into election systems from coast to coast and actually wants to COLLABORATE WITH THEM ON CYBERSECURITY, WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?
It can't possibly be JUST a pee tape, folks. It's got to be like, video from seven angles of Drumpf lying on his back, wanking with a socket wrench while a hooker who looks suspiciously like Ivanka craps directly into his open mouth.
Oh, and I guess the CIA knew that Mike Flynn was a blackmailable foreign agent who also prefers Van Halen with the lead singer from Extreme, but Mike Pompeo kept right on telling him All the Secrets anyway. My sources tell me that classified intel will henceforth be posted weekly in "I have code word clearance, AMA!" Reddit sessions, cuz let's just cut out the fucking middleman.
The Anthropomorphic Outhouse was feeling all sorts of cocky after the GOP held onto a historically incontestable house seat by a smaller-than-his-wee-wee-hands margin, so he held hisself a campaign rally! He lied a bunch, and he promised to pass a law that's already a law ("My next big idea: Chocolate...and PEANUT BUTTER!" , he claimed that 1,300 coal mining jobs were actually 33,000 coal mining jobs, and he got his army of Rubes to cheer his selling of the executive branch to Goldman Sachs alums, because they are Rubes, and if he set their houses on fire, they'd thank him for sparing them that unpleasant closet reorganization project they'd been putting off.
But those heavily-publicized Carrier jobs keep getting shipped off to Mexico...
Anyhow, I guess the Elephant in the room (Get it?!?! ELEPHANT?!?!??! Cuz the GOP logo is a....GET IT?!?!?!??!?!??!) is the Senate GOP's Shorten Our Constituents Lifespans Act!
The idea had been that the grown-ups/cooler heads/withered old white dudes in the Upper Chamber would produce a more rational, moderate, "nice" bill. Well, Mitch McConnell, realizing he was advancing in years and that Mephistopheles would shortly demand the millions of souls he offered up in exchange for his political career, and that merely disappearing an intern here and there wasn't gonna get the job done, decided it was finally Leroy Jenkins time.
The bill is notable for two things; its staggering cruelty, and the true hallmark of the McConnell genius at work, the Rube-Goldberg-esque implementation designed to insulate the perpetrators of the greatest act of mass murder in American history from the political consequences of their actions. Y'see, the massive, comic-book-villain-level Medicaid cuts don't start 'till after a number of elections have come and gone, and Mitch is comfortably knocking back Mint Juleps on his plantation. Shit, tying Medicaid payments to inflation guarantees the most tragic long term effects of his bill won't even show up in the CBO score. Golly, I bet his only regret is that he won't be around to see all the untold suffering he's inflicting on generations of American serfs. (And so a single tear rolls down his scaly cheek.)
Oh, and Yertle celebrated by having the capitol police drag some disabled protesters away in handcuffs. There was actually even blood spilled, which McConnell ordered his chief of staff to collect, so that Mitch could sprinkle it on his morning oatmeal.
Senator John Cornyn said he couldn't IMAGINE a more open and transparent process, which helps you understand why he turned to politics after a failed stab at being an adventure novelist. (Cornyn's "Indiana Jones and the Time Diet Coke Was On Sale But the Store Was Out Before He Got There" screenplay was never produced.)
Oh, and at least Chuck Schumer got a good troll in when he made Joni Ernst, while presiding over the senate, read the GOP's hypocrisy into the congressional record. I'm planning on laughing about that a lot when I'm otherwise occupied with dying of a treatable disease.
Jokes aside, the bill is a fucking abomination.
Unless you're rich! Shit, if you're ridiculously fucking wealthy, now you can finally have that 60-foot-tall butter sculpture of yourself constructed on your private island! You can hire Kid Rock to write a song about your potbelly pig! You can finance your own private hunger games, where you pit asthmatics against each other and the winner gets to live an extra six months!
But the rest of us are good and righteously fucked! We'll pay more and get less! We'll watch people we care about die needlessly! We'll see what happens when we get old and nursing homes are no longer a thing! Our children will be born in gas station restrooms because childbirth won't be covered anymore! We'll spend our lives trapped in shit jobs that give us health insurance because FREE WILL IS FOR CLOSERS, YOU SOYLENT SCUMBAGS!
The fucking bill actually gives insurance company CEOs a tax break on earnings over $500,000, because senate republicans want to rub your nose in the fact that you're not really a human being to them unless you finance a PAC.
And of course all the so-called moderates are falling in line. MINO (That's still Maverick in Name Only) John McCain bitched for days about the secretive process, but today he was all "Nah, we can vote on this after a week, I gotta get back in time for Wapner!" Collins and Murkowski are furrowing their brows, wondering if their constituents will let them get away with taking a victory lap for stripping the temporary defunding of Planned Parenthood while not noticing that they're investing heavily in graveyards and cremation facilities.
And meanwhile, the Smug Prick Caucus (Cruz, Paul, a couple of other assclowns) got out in front of their colleagues to state their opposition to the bill for its insufficient murderousness. Rand Paul demands further Obamacare repeal, and Ted Cruz insists he be allowed to wander through hospital ICUs personally unplugging machines on his off days, and I'm pretty sure Ron Johnson just wants a couple of straight-up slaves.
And they'll get what they're asking for. Meanwhile the so-called "moderates" will get an INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE mouse pad a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card, and call it a day.
I fully expect Mitch to rip off his suit, revealing a too-tight black t-shirt emblazoned with "RICH LIVES MATTER," which will be the Republican Party's official campaign slogan from here on out.
Eager to distract the public, and more importantly the media, from all the poor folks he was about to butcher, Orange Julius Caesar picked today to say "Did I say I had recordings of my conversations with Jim Comey? KIDDING, MADE YOU LOOK!" So I guess that means he lied just to intimidate a witness. Robert Mueller was seen dancing gleefully in his underwear, Risky-Business-style, in what I'm sure is an unrelated development.
Oh fuck, I'm ready to pass out, but FUCKING OF COURSE THERE'S MORE. The Pizzagate shooter was sentenced, I guess Marco Rubio doesn't know how to hug, and there's something called a Breatharian?
Fuck it. I don't care. STRAP ME TO THE GURNEY AND GIVE ME ELECTROSHOCK UNTIL I THINK I'M BATMAN AND THEN LET ME FIGHT CRIME.
Profile Information
Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 631
