TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalKavanaugh, Graham, Grassley, & Co. Rage Against the Dying of the Whites (Ferret/ShowerCap)
This one was hard, friends. For the first time, shit was so abominable, I didn't WANT to blog about it. The news has been like a cheese grater, slowly, painfully, eroding my brain into a pile of taco toppings. I wanna stick my head in a sauna till it sweats out the memory of every single moment of the Kavanaugh hearing.
As always, you can find this post, with all relevant news links, at:
And please, please, check out the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide, and get in the fight: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
It seems like a decade ago, when we enjoyed a little chuckle watching the Hairplug That Ate Decency belch up his usual dogbowlful of self-aggrandizing nonsense at the United Nations, only to have the world laugh directly in his sharty little face. All the fear he imagines he inspires, the respect he so desperately craves, and he was roundly, openly, mocked without a second thought. And though you'd normally feel a twinge of patriotic anger to see your President so humiliated on the world stage, with this bloated assclown, your only regret is that you weren't there to take take the diplomats out for a beer later.
Oh, and the Velveeta Vulgarian, who has of late been test-driving various excuses for his imminent midterm spanking, accused China of meddling in the elections because hey why not? One thing I'll say for MAGA nation, it must be fun having your Bible written and re-written in real time. "What do we believe today? Who are we supposed to love now that we hated a week ago?” George Orwell seriously underestimated how much FUN it could be to resculpt reality to suit the fleeting needs of a moment.
Speaking of pathetic Republicans who get no respect largely because they deserve none, Rand Paul's shady little proposal to lift sanctions on his new BFF, Vlad Putin, over that one thing when Russia INVADED UKRAINE AND SEIZED CRIMEA, of course went down in flames. One of these days, us taxpayers should bill Rand for all the valuable government time he wastes with these little stunts of his. I'm sure they impress the college libertarian clubs, though.
A memo surfaced proving DHS Secretary/Child Concentration Camp Supervisor Kirstjen Nielsen was lying when she repeatedly claimed family separation was not the Shart Administration's official policy. Reading about this made me nostalgic for the time when this story would've rocked the nation and led to Nielsen’s resignation at the speed of fucking light, instead of drifting by, a barely-noticed blip in a news cycle so accustomed to atrocity that shit like this is almost boring. Then I got even more nostalgic for the time when anyone proposing family separation would have been chased out of government, because only a monster would propose something so monstrous.
The Daily Beast got ahold of a memo (memos out the wazoo this week, apparently) allegedly detailing the famous Seychelles meeting between Legit Sinister Mercenary Erik Prince and a sanctioned Russian oligarch dirtbag. You know, I'm starting to think that maybe Erik's initial claim, that they merely engaged in a light-hearted debate about whether Chicago was better with or without Peter Cetera, might have been somewhat less than honest.
And Sarah Palin's garbage spawn has been arrested for domestic violence. Again. Anybody else tired of being moralized at by the slavering hordes of rubes who idolize the ethical/political version of the Hills Have Eyes family?
Further trouble in Shartopia as a judge ruled an emoluments clause lawsuit filed by Democratic Congressfolk can proceed, potentially shutting down one of the Grand Wizard Grifter's chief remaining revenue streams: open bribery by foreign governments. Anyway, I'm thinking of launching a series of collectible trading cards, each depicting a different lawsuit targeting our oh-so-criminal President. Every pack would come with a piece of stale chewing gum, flavored like overdone steak with ketchup.
Whelp, that's about everything, I think, so I'll sign off with...what's that? I'm leaving something out?
Ok, fine. Let's address the elephant in the room. The revolting, lying, rapey, shouty, totally immoral elephant in the room. The elephant that is trying to break out of the room and trample everything that's good and decent in America to tiny bits.
Y'know what, in honor of Judge Kavanaugh, let's structure this as a sort of drinking game in reverse. Every time you read about some Sack-of-Shit Republican saying or doing something so vile it makes you wanna retch, go ahead and retch! Whoever fills up their barf bag quickest, wins. Actually, looking at this shit, you might wanna bring a 10 gallon garbage can.
(And if I miss anything, it's probably because I've been jabbing my brain with an ice pick in an effort to destroy the memories of this Most Hideous and Dispiriting Week.)
Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony was devastating. Frankly it seems kinda disrespectful to even talk about it here, considering the tone of this blog.
I suppose I could mention where Dr. Ford's own father isn't publicly supporting her because he's worried about losing his membership in his conservative country club, but I probably shouldn't because that story's so sad, so deeply fucked up, it might just crush whatever light remains in your heart.
The all-male GOP contingent on Judiciary, whose cumulative age eclipses the entire history of the planet if you're a creationist, were too terrified to do their jobs (begging the question, “Why the fuck do you deserve to be Senators?"
, outsourcing their questioning to a female sex crimes prosecutor.
The prosecutor didn't kick up much dust, honestly, despite visiting the popular right-wing jagosphere theory that Ford claimed to be afraid of flying but still flew sometimes, thus conclusively proving her to be a lying jezebel who lies about all things simply because lying feels so good to her dirty, lying, heart.
On the other hand, witnessing their behavior around the hearing, you can understand why they made that particular call.
Chuck Grassley fumed and sputtered in rage about perceived procedural slights, and while there was a tremendous amount of bad-faith bloviating going on, I think we should give Chuckles the presumption of honesty here: this is a man who truly believes a momentary delay in the mad dash to confirm an ill-tempered partisan hack to the Supreme Court is a significantly greater sin than any mere sexual assault.
Orrin Hatch, looking like a thumb that's been submerged in the bathtub for too long, and acting like an out-of-touch old fart who's been in the U.S. Senate for too long, paraded the judgement that's apparently been Good Enough for Utah for decades, commenting on Ford's...attractiveness. Congratulations, Orrin...you've made me feel like replacing your ancient ass with a flimsy weathervane like Willard Romney will qualify as a significant upgrade. Jesus.
Kavanaugh's testimony was...wow. I dunno, if I was looking to get appointed to the Supreme Court, I might try to avoid coming off like a screeching, hostile, untrustworthy, maniac, but that's just me.
He whined a whole bunch. He invented conspiracy theories involving the Clintons, which is, um, TOTALLY INSANE AND DISQUALIFYING. He frequently seemed to imply “I got into Yale” as somehow providing ironclad proof that he couldn't possibly have ever had a drinking problem, which ironically served only to prove that he's not intellecutally qualified for the gig he's applying for. Oh, and he vowed vengeance on his enemies, which is...not really a good look for a SCOTUS justice, in my humblest of opinions. He may have said something about beer, I don't really remember.
He mouthed off to Senator Amy Klobuchar, mockingly throwing her questions about getting blackout drunk back in her face mere moments after she spoke of being raised by an alcoholic father. To her eternal credit, Klobuchar didn't immediately slap the smug jackass right out of his shoes; she clearly has a temperament suited to her lofty post, whereas Kavanaugh was practically smearing the walls of the hearing room with his own shit.
Most notably, he lied. He lied a whole fucking bunch. He's lied about big shit and utterly inconsequential shit. He told huge, comical lies about the lewd terms from his yearbook page (No, Senator, you misunderstand! By “donkey punch,” I mean the cucumber-tinged water we'd give the family mule as a treat on special occasions like Xmas and his birthday!)...frankly, I'm no longer even confident that his name is Brett.
And then Lindsey Graham, Senator/Confederate LARPer from the great state of South Carolina, stood up and proclaimed at the top of his lungs, “With GAWD as my witness, women will never vote for me again!”
With all the demonstrative self-righteousness of a community theatre actor playing Atticus Finch, Lindsey lectured the world for its cruel persecution of the privileged white guy who only wanted to have his crimes swept under the rug so that he might sit in judgment of others from a post of unimpeachable power for the rest of his life. Then the Senator pointed his finger and accused Democrats of trying to STEAL A SUPREME COURT SEAT and Irony dropped stone cold dead.
(Between the hearings, Lindsey hatefully dismissed a sexual assault survivor, because the old bastard is just leanin’ into the evil now. He's gonna pop up on Meet the Press next week, casually snacking on a bowl of live kittens.)
Some suggested Graham was acting all Trumpy as part of an audition to replace Ol’ Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III as Attorney General. Y’all are thinking too small. All that showy depravity? Shouting the vilest, most dishonest crap at the top of your lungs while simultaneously wallowing in phony victimhood? No no, this southern gent is looking to inherit the reins of the whole damn deplorable herd some day...
One after another, the Withered Hate Raisins of the GOP Senate Judiciary team weighed in, looking like Sith Lords that had retired to Florida, gotten really into shuffleboard, and let themselves go. Kennedy, Cornyn, Sasse...like some sort of hideous Old White Guy Beauty Pageant, where every contestant accidentally prepared the same “talent,” and that talent was spewing out the last mustard gas wheeze of Shitty White Dude Privilege.
And isn't it weird that of all the assembled assholes, Ted Cruz of all people was on his best behavior? You'd almost think he was facing an unexpectedly competitive re-election fight or somethin’.
And then I lost a ton of fuckin’ money in a pool I've been running, because JEFF FLAKE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Yes, the Arizona Senator/Occasional Hatrack, having been confronted in an elevator by a group of sexual assault survivors, appears to have finally been shamed into actually backing up his oft-and-loudly-professed morals! I'll give you some time to fact-check that; I scarcely believe it myself.
Yes, Senator Paperweight sat through the sham hearing Friday morning with a pained expression, as if to say, “something about this situation, where we're dismissing the credible accusations of a sexual assault survivor as the raving of a deluded she-idiot who simply cannot tell one man from another, isn't quite...right.” And he hemmed and he hawed and he put his foot down and proclaimed “THIS TRAVESTY SHALL NOT STAND! THIS TRAVESTY MUST BE POSTPONED! FOR ABOUT A WEEK! BUT CERTAINLY NO LONGER THAN THAT!” Because in the end, he's still Jeff Flake, and we can't expect too much of him.
So we've got a week. Make some NOISE, Resisters. Make noise like you've travelled back in time to the last-ever Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers concert, and they're backstage but they haven't played Free Fallin’ yet.
And of course, now the word is that Shart House lawyer Conman Don McGahn gets to hard-pick the topics and witnesses the FBI is allowed to investigate. They can talk to Sean Connery about what it was like making MEDICINE MAN, but they're not allowed to interview Kavanaughty's college classmates about all that drinking he lied about. Under oath. AT HIS FUCKING SUPREME COURT CONFIRMATION HEARING.
They haven't even interviewed Dr. Ford yet, for fuck's sake! Is this sham really gonna be enough to allow Susan Collins to go on pretending she doesn't understand precisely what's going down here?
I tell ya folks, there's so much corruption and rot, I expect the White House to disintegrate and blow way in the wind, leaving Shart Garfunkel exposed, pants around his ankles, on the gold-plated toilet you know he's had installed behind the Resolute Desk.
Oh, and Littlefinger and Kim Jong-un fooled around and fell in love, to hear our perpetually-embarrassing President tell it. Senile old fucker's trying to blow up relations with Canada, while he's swapping scented notes between classes with a MASS FUCKING MURDERER.
I think we should remake West Side Story with Drumpfy and Kim. I also think we should make the Americans the Sharks, because that'll really chafe Stephen Miller's ass.
Fuck, y’all. I'm wrecked by the this shit. I'd cover Elon Musk and Kanye West, but my head would surely explode. I generally try to leave y’all on an up note, or a gag, but I can't do that today. Instead here's one last link, one final reminder of the unspeakable evil we're fighting. Read it, roll up your sleeves, and get to work; the midterms are closer than ever.
No jokes tonight, just a call to arms. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hello friends.
Normally, Thursday night is a blog night. I confess, I’m not up to it right now. Like many of you, I’m worn out by the day’s hearings. I don’t think I can muster the usual barrage of poop jokes at the moment, and anyhow it doesn’t feel appropriate tonight.
After nearly two years, I'm just sick and goddamn tired of watching these malicious, profoundly immoral, men abuse their power at the expense of the powerless. I’m sick of this dying, resentment-driven minority demanding that no voices beyond their own be heard. Basically, I’m sick of assholes calling the shots.
So instead of a blog, I’m gonna just re-post the Action Guide I built on my site. I’m proud of it, yeah. I'm proud of my work and of my web designer’s work. I’m proud of the money we’ve already raised.
Most of all, I’m proud of the amazing team of candidates the Democratic Party has assembled to take our country back. Spend some time getting to know them, it’ll be more fun and rewarding than stewing in Kavanaugh coverage all night. These candidates...they’re fucking inspirational. They’re the right people for the job.
And they need your help. Coincidentally, I have a feeling you’re in the mood to fight back tonight.
The solution to the vile display you witnessed this afternoon is, starting in just a few short weeks in the 2018 midterms, to take the power away from these petty, evil little men.
And then to never, EVER give it back.
Ok, enough outta me. Here’s the link, let’s make some NOISE tonight:
http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
This Rosenstein-Kavanaugh Overdrive Concert Sucks. I Want to Go Home (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Fuck, y’all. I am no longer equal to this moment. Today cries out for a monologue from Howard Beale, but like, a sweaty, WWF-style 'roid rage Howard Beale, screaming “I'm as mad as hell, and I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM!!!!
(As always, this post is available, with useful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-rosenstein-kavanaugh-overdrive-concert-sucks-i-want-to-go-home/)
We were given terrifying insight into the raw, unfiltered, dumbassery of the conservative elite, as some purported intellectual heavyweight called Ed Whelan confidentially declared he'd conclusively debunked the sexual assault allegations against that snooty Kavanaugh fellah, only to unveil a humiliatingly ridiculous conspiracy theory via tweetstorm, executed with all the logical rigor of a toddler trying to frame the family dog for a broken vase.
The whole spiel was that there was another DUDE in Kavanaugh's general vicinity, who also lived in a HOUSE with STAIRS and BEDROOMS and that it was therefore that dude who assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, who is confused because BROADS, AMIRIGHT?
Kavanaugh took his own feeble stab at debunking, offering up what he claims is a comprehensive calendar of his totally normal teen boyhood from 1982, which definitely shows no sexual assault parties, CASE CLOSED. Now, Kavanaugh has boasted of substantial binge-drinking in high school...all that is dutifully recorded in your Alibi Calendar, right, Brett? ...Brett?
Another crotch punt for the guy who richly deserves a lifetime filled with nothing but crotch punts, Mr. Alex Jones. Add PayPal to the list of companies refusing to do business with his revolting, Sandy-Hook-parents-terrorizing ass. He'll be trying to glom onto some kid's lemonade stand before long.
Former Shart aide Jason Miller, who always struck me as the grossest dude in that gaggle of extremely gross dudes, is accused of getting a stripper pregnant, and then SPIKING HER SMOOTHIE WITH AN ABORTION DRUG because FAMILY VALUES, MOTHERFUCKERS! Somebody send me a whole fuckin’ pile of televangelists to hector me about how this cabal of thieves and pedophiles and rapists are the Holiest of Holies, while the rest of us are bound for Hell because we want gay folks to have cake or some shit. Come at me, you big fat phonies, I'm REALLY in the mood for it tonight.
Spiking a woman's drink with an abortion drug. Where do they find these people, the John Wayne Gacy fan club? Someday we're gonna find out that Seb Gorka orders custom toothpicks made from human femurs, and Corey Lewandowski celebrates his birthdays by drowning kittens, and we'll just go, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Like, is there some sort of secret Who Can Be the Biggest, Smelliest, Most Hateful, Festering Asshole in the GOP contest going on? There almost HAS to be. It's the only logical explanation for some of this behavior. Makes sense, in a way...Tangerine Idi Amin ran on hate, and beat everybody from Paul to Pataki. Maybe that's the new calculus. “Hey, we're the Party of Assholes now, and I WILL BE THE HAIRIEST ASSHOLE OF ALL!”
Ted Cruz starts with an unfair advantage here, but he seems to be leaving nothing to chance. Earth's Most Punchable Man couldn't even handle the traditional “Hey, just for shits n’ giggles, say something nice about your oppoent” moment in his debate with Beto O’Rourke without coming off like the smug, sneering, bully who thinks he can get away with stealing your bike because his dad is your dad's boss.
Seriously, how does Ted Cruz manage to walk down the street without just getting punched by everyone who gets a good look at him? HE'S SO PUNCHABLE. He's like Charmin, but with punching instead of squeezing.
Don't sleep on Arizona CongressJerk Paul Gosar, though, as he's apparently such an unbearable taintfungus that six of his siblings cut an ad for his opponent. Bookmark that ad, by the way, for the dark days ahead. Think of it as chicken soup for the Resister's soul.
Of course the biggest assholes are the white nationalists in the Shart Administration, issuing heartless new immigration rules, the latest salvo in the ongoing effort to hurt brown people while keeping America as Caucasian as possible, and really giving Stephen Miller's ever-expanding bald spot room to grow wild and free. Like The Blob. One day that bald spot will devour the entire fucking world, mark my words.
KT McFarland popped up again, I thought they wrote her off the show? Anyhow, I guess she “walked back” a lie she found herself trapped in by her ol’ chum Michael Flynn's felony confession, cuz she didn't want to go to jail for lying to the FBI. They truly are Th’Best People, are they not?
Did everybody have fun today, with that nifty little game of Constitutional Crisis Peak-a-Boo that dropped into our laps today like an asparagus fart at a christening? I guess Axios got a wee bit ahead of themselves and suddenly your phone erupted like a turd volcano, spewing conflicting accounts that Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein was fired, or was resigning, but wait he's going to the White House, and maybe they're tearing him apart with their bare hands and Kellyanne Conway is about to stumble out on the lawn, blood trickling from the corners of her mouth, satiated at last on the forbidden flesh of humankind.
And then it turned out to be nothing. For now. But maybe we get to go through it all over again Thursday, yay!!!! I guess the whole thing's going down because of an article in the Failing New York Times that says Hot Rod talked about recording Fat Q*Bert and invoking the 25th Amendment, but there are conflicting accounts as to whether he was being all serious like a real-life spy, or joking, like stuffing a big-ass mop down his shirt and acting like it was a microphone. Anyway, I sure hope American democracy survives!
The Velveeta Vulgarian's lawyers, by the way, are claiming that Rosenstein’s removal, whether it be via firing, resignation, or cannibal ritual, should lead to some sort of automatic “time out” in the Mueller investigation because they think this is Calvinball, I guess.
Word on the street is the Shart House manipulated this whole thing as a “smoke bomb” to distract from all the bad Kavanaugh news. Great plan, campers. Except unlike your pudding-brained boss, most of us can focus on more than one thing in a given day.
It got swept under the rug by the day's noisier news, but this may be the most perfect Trump story yet: Pissant Pol Pot stamped his feet and proclaimed that he wasn't gonna give Puerto Rico no statehood, because the mayor of San Juan refuses to kiss his ass over his criminally neglectful response to the island's post-Maria crises, which, let's remind everyone, caused the senseless deaths of thousands of Americans.
See? Isn't that just Peak Drumpf? Racist, hateful, petulant, and of course broadcasting that fragile ego and ravenous insecurity for the whole world to see. And he imagines people see him as “strong.” If it was anyone else, you'd feel sorry for him.
This Kavanaugh shit is really bringing out the worst in the Republican Party, which is sort of like saying Steve Bannon's outer shirt really accentuates the viscous fluid oozing from his facial sores; we're talking about degrees of extreme awfulness.
Ben Carson blamed the accusations on a centuries-old socialist conspiracy, possibly tied to whoever stole all the grain from the pyramids. Jeanine Pirro figured maybe Dr. Ford had been hypnotized and no I'm not making that up, I'm not that good.
Chuck Grassley spent the weekend issuing Christine Blasey Ford a new ultimatum every hour or so, hoping to intimidate her out of testifying altogether. Lindsey Graham proudly proclaimed her testimony wouldn't change his vote, no matter what she said. I don't want to jump to any unfair conclusions here, but I'm not sure these gentlemen are acting in good faith.
Oh, and in the middle of this clusterfuck of self-immolation, the asstumor who'd been working as the GOP's spokesman on all things Kavanaugh suddenly resigned after a past history of, and you don't even really need me to say it at this point, sexual harassment surfaced. That bit was a little on-the-nose for my taste, but what do I know?
And of course Mitch McConnell is flailing about, moaning about NORMS being violated, because he doesn't yet understand that he's no longer living in the old world where sleepy Democrats accept his every hypocrisy with a begrudging tip of the cap. We remember Merrick Garland, Mitchell m’man. All your fake outrage does to us anymore is make us reach for our wallets for one more donation, or find one more hour to phone bank. We're coming for your gavel, old man, and you will live to see the true fruits of your labors, because you turned a generation of casual progressives into life-long activists.
(And yeah, this is where I link to the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide. http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
If you're not already in the fight for 2018, GET IN IT!)
And then, as you knew they would, new accusations surfaced. “Ah,” you thought, “Now I understand why they just happened to have that 65 Women Letter just lying around.” Indeed, the allegations Jane Mayer and Ronan Farrow broke were apparently known to Republicans on the Senate Judiciary committee last week, even as they were doing everything they could to ram Brettwurst through the process before the American people found out. Such noble creatures, Republicans.
Avenatti popped up with even more salacious claims aaaaaand...well, we'll see. He says his new client will go public in the next couple of days. If his allegations hold water, they're...really fucking awful. I'm gonna hold off on throwing my eggs in the Self-Aggrandizing Showboat basket for now.
Anyway, the settled-upon GOP strategy seems to be Let's Find the Oldest and Whitest Men in All the Land, and Have Them Proclaim the Accusers are Lying and Also Probably Whores Before We Even Hear Their Testimony. Orrin Hatch decided the newest accusation is totally fake on the grounds that ORRIN HATCH FUCKING SAYS SO, which...I mean, do Republicans understand that women are allowed to vote?
Guys, you aren't just playing with fire. You're taunting fire. You're about to attempt to tea-bag fire, and everybody but you understands that's a situation you walk away from with your balls on fire.
I see Mr. K went on the Fux Nooz Propaganda Mill & White Resentment Emporium to swing at some softballs for a bit. He says he's innocent of all charges ‘cuz he was still a virgin when he left high school, apparently failing to notice that doesn't contradict the accusations at all. Anyhow, I trust his famous calendar will back him up, with weekly or at the very least monthly virginity check-ins.
Anyway, we keep learning more and more about Brett's youthful exploits, binge-drinking and...well, read for yourself. Keep learning more about Mark Judge, who was allegedly in the room during the Ford incident, and you can see why Republicans don't want him to testify. That dude's grosser than a public pool during a lice outbreak.
ABC found an e-mail from Roger Stone about how much he'd like to hang out with that Assange boy down the street in the Ecuadorian Embassy, maybe swap baseball cards or dirt on Hillary Clinton. Heh. I'm diggin’ the slow burn on the Stone subplot. Ol’ Rog probably juuuuuuust starts to relax when the latest revelation drip drip drips out and suddenly he's looking over his shoulder again. Makes me smile.
And I see the Rube Army are circulating obviously-photoshopped images of their Turd Emperor heroically rescuing folks from floodwaters or some shit. Guys. This man is so instinctually selfish he CHARGES THE SECRET SERVICE TO PEE while they're risking their own lives to protect his. He doesn't visit the troops in war zones. He doesn't greet the remains of our fallen warriors when they return home. He is a selfish little coward who cares about no one but himself. This is a truth more obvious than FUCKING GRAVITY.
Alright, folks. That's all for tonight. If any more news breaks tonight, call Howard Beale, I'm plum worn out.
The News is So Gross This Week OF COURSE We Got Sexy Handmaid Costumes. OF COURSE We Did.(Ferret/SC)
Well, I'm blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can't strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch...just double-check my work, is all I'm saying.
As always, this post is available, with all sortsa news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-news-is-so-gross-this-week-of-course-we-got-sexy-handmaid-costumes-of-course-we-did/
Before we go any further, we need to get the mushroom thing out of the way. I know we all wish it didn't happen, but it did. Look, I've never been on the “Female Ghostbusters ruined my childhood” or "A black stormtrooper ruined my childhood” train, because that train is a dumbfuck train.
But Stormy Daniels, YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE SAND LEVELS IN SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2 NOW? THE LITTLE BOING NOISE TOAD MAKES WHEN HE JUMPS WILL SEEM SO GROSS AND SINISTER!
(Dry heaves for a bit) Anyway. Moving on.
The Big Dumb Trade War escalated again, with Strawberry Shartcake levying tariffs on an additional $200 billion in Chinese goods, and China retaliating. The President wants YOU to do your part, but he doesn't need to worry, because YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE, since prices are going up on all kinds of shit you use, whether you like it or not!
Don't worry though, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, the kind of dude who periodically loses track of how many mansions he owns, says you'll barely notice the gouging! And if there's anyone alive with his fingers on the pulse of the working class, surely it's a doddering money-launderer.
Ted Cruz, faced with the admittedly-Herculean task of Getting Re-elected Despite Being Ted Cruz, suggested his opponent (some guy named Beto, you probably haven't heard of him) would make BBQ illegal if he won. The only remaining question is, when Cruz and Mike Huckabee launch their comedy tour, how will they decide who headlines?
(Let me just say, if Democrats ever DID try to ban BBQ, I'd switch parties before the grill could heat up. I mean, I'm all for equality and progressive taxation and protecting the environment and gun control and health care and all that stuff, but if you start messin’ with the really important shit...I'm from Kansas City, y'know.)
Easily the simplest part of the whole POTUS gig is the “Consoler-in-Chief” role. When something shitty happens, just pop up, demonstrate a little empathy, say something kind and hopeful. Admittedly, it's probably a lot harder for a sociopath, as we've already seen.
So when Tangerine Idi Amin went down to the Carolinas to visit areas damaged by Hurricane Florence, he congratulated one resident on the sweet-ass boat that crashed into his house, and then he asked if his golf course was ok. I think he thinks he was being all wily and subtle about the golf course thing, too. Sigh.
He also evaluated the hurricane's...wetness. It was super fuckin’ wet, according to America's first meteorologist President.
And President Crotchvoid happily proclaimed, for all the world to hear, that he based his recent decision to declassify shit he has no business declassifying because three Fux Nooz hosts without half a brain between them, Hannity, Dobbs, and Pirro, told him to. Lord. The Three Stooges of Malice. We'd be safer if he was getting advice from a strip-mall fortune teller, a Magic 8 Ball, and a Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Then again, will we ever be truly safe from a drooling man-child who thinks somebody should build a wall across the entire fucking Sahara Desert? Who's gonna pay for THAT, genius? Jawas? Sand People?
Elaine Chao is the latest Cabinet goon to get caught burning through fat stacks of taxpayer money on expensive travel, because the spirit of Pruittism is alive and well on Team Treasonweasel. I'm starting to understand why Republicans are always advocating for massive cuts to safety net programs; they're worried all that spending on hungry children and sick people might cut into their travel budget.
The President and his Attorney General (if such a thing truly does indeed even exist) are fighting again, and I for one appreciate the way that whenever this shit happens, ol’ Jefferson Beauregard always goes out of his way to remind you he's a racist, lying, sack of human garbage utterly undeserving of any sympathy whatsoever.
There ain't no good guy. There ain't no bad guy. There's only Jeff and Don and they're just two of the biggest, smelliest, assholes in human history.
President Andrzej Duda of Poland, angling for an American military base, casually suggested, “Hey, why don't we call it something like, I dunno, Fort Trump, maybe?” and Orange Julius Caesar practically shat himself in glee at the thought, because when a cripplingly insecure narcissist runs the most powerful nation on Earth, diplomacy-by-ego-fluffing is a valid tactic. I think it's maybe a little depressing that the Internationally-Known Playbook for Manipulating the American President fits on one notecard, but then again, I am a cuck.
So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight's blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I'll wait.
Ralph Shortey, a former "family values” Republican state senator, was sentenced to 15 years for child sex trafficking. Hey look, here's a picture of him and his chum, Donald Trump, Jr. Yeah, he was the campaign's Oklahoma state chair, just one more example of criminals drifting into the Trump family's orbit. Coincidence, I'm sure.
And the “free speech activist” who's been pushing for the right to distribute plans for 3-D printed murder weapons you can assemble in the comfort of your own home is on the lam, allegedly in Taiwan, for sexually assaulting a child. Why yes, he's a big Ted Cruz donor, why do you ask?
Oh, and there's also a Roy Moore story coming later, but I've decided to put that in the Kavanaugh section, instead of the GOPedo section, so go ahead and take a break from your projectile vomiting.
Freedom isn't free, and neither, it turns out, is keeping little kids in cages. But don't worry, the white nationalist assclowns running your government will find the money somewhere, even if they have to raid Head Start and the National Cancer Institute! That's right, friends...locking children up is more important than curing cancer to these abominable people. Betcha Stephen Miller isn't diverting any funds from cure-for-baldness research, though.
Hey, National Rifle Association, are you sitting down? Cuz I've got some really terrible news. Your tests came back, and you have cancer...of the wallet! Membership dues are down, and you're bleeding money...almost as if you'd been shot by a marauding lunatic. I guess America is finally tired of you murder-shilling rat-bastards. And if you think this news is bad, wait 'till you see the electoral drubbing your stooges take in the midterms.
Ron DeSantis, bless his heart, insists he isn’t racist. He just says racist shit, takes money from dudes who say even more racist shit, runs racist Facebook pages, and speaks at racist conventions. Me, I think he's really monkeying up his chances this November. Yup yup. “Monkey up” is still a super-common colloquialism that folks use all the time. Yup.
And of course the Kavanaugh confirmation debacle continues to churn stomachs from coast to coast. Republicans squirmed for a bit, but they figured that the one-two whammy of imposing a ridiculous artificial deadline and refusing to allow an FBI investigation into the accusations would frighten Christine Blasey Ford into silence, and they'd get away with everything with NO COMEUPPANCE.
Yes, the Withered, Chalk-White, Hate Raisins on the GOP side of the Senate Judiciary Committee seem to have settled on a strategy of You Have One Week to Present Yourself to be Grilled by Powerful Professional Rhetoricians Who Will Do Everything They Can to Destroy You, or it Doesn't Count Anyhow in the Meantime Enjoy the Death Threats.
Didn't take ‘em long to get weirdly cocky about the whole thing, actually. South Carolina CongressJag Ralph Norman told a super-hilarious sexual assault gag he'd been saving up for just such an occasion, perhaps auditioning for spot on the Cruz/Huckabee comedy tour. One of Chuck Grassley's staffers took what might generously be referred to as an “unseemly victory lap” before locking his social media accounts. A handful of truly choice scuzzbuckets are even pushing some magnificently ill-conceived conspiracy theories about, I kid you not, a Brett Kavanaugh lookalike.
And in the middle of it all, there's Roy Moore, urging his colleagues to dig in and fight back! With Alabama's leading serial child molester waving the flag, how can they fail?
Anyhow, Ford has now said she'll testify next week, under certain conditions and not on Monday, so the GOP is back in freak-out mode. They're frantically searching for a way to get a woman in the room to conduct the questioning, thus avoiding the spectacle of 11 ancient white dudes attacking a victim. Putting a woman on Judiciary in the first place does not seem to have been an option that occurred to them at any point.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all proud of himself for not assaulting Kavanaugh's accuser like some common Gold Star family, and let's pause to appreciate what it means to live in a time when “Hey, the President didn't behave like a raging bag of dicks for once” is headline news.
French MegaBigot Marine Le Pen has been court-ordered to undergo psychiatric testing, and shit, kids...if we could arrange some sort of Freaky Friday scenario where we trade legal systems with France, just for like, a few days...that'd be SPECTACULAR.
You may be wondering what our ol’ chum Michael Cohen has been up to since confessing to multiple felonies. Is he saying farewell to old friends before his sentencing? Taking up new hobbies he can enjoy behind bars that won't require anyone to smuggle contraband up their ass? Eating raw cookie dough while binging American Dad?
Well, it turns out the Sensei of Sez-Hoo has been spending a whole lotta time with his special new friend...Rugged Robert Mueller. They've mostly just been talking about boys and clothes, but also about Russia and collusion and pardons and obstruction of justice and stuff.
Mikey's even talking with New York state authorities about his former boss’s fake charity scam. Wow, you make all KINDS of new friends when you confess to a lifetime of crime!
Late-breaking reports suggest Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is quite the stickler for commas, ho ho! Human rights violations? Less so.
Lordy. So much bat guano hurled at me today, I went through three sets of windshield wipers. And then, yeah, I found the sexxxy handmaid costumes. Throwin’ in the towel for the night, Resisters. Going to bed. Wearing a helmet.
If you've read this far, let me direct you to Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. We're fighting to take our country back, and we need YOUR help: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
Ready for the Kavanaugh Round-Up? Keep a Barf Bag Handy. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey there, Shower Captives, I'm back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y'know...live in the moment and soak in the glory of watching some of rock's greatest artists perform.
I saw Jerry Lee Lewis, y’all. Jerry Lee Goddamn Lewis. Dude rocks harder at 82 than I ever have in my life.
(As you surely know by now, you can find this post, with all sorts of helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/ready-for-the-kavanaugh-round-up-keep-a-barf-bag-handy/)
Whelp, we've learned more about Precocious Paul's plea deal, and damn, y’all, he's even more #Manafucked than we thought! I guess when you're facing life in jail alongside the possibility that the Russian mobsters you've been working with might just murder your family, you sorta take what you can get. I think the moral of the Manafort story is Maybe Don't Spend Your Life Doing a Fuck-Ton of Crimes.
I see FEMA director Brock Long studied at the Scott Pruitt School of Good Governance, as he’s mastered the art of pairing ridiculous gaslighting with grifting all the taxpayer money he can get his hands on. Brock's repugnant attempt to blame the tragic, preventable, loss of life in Puerto Rico on an outbreak of post-hurricane spousal abuse was met with the almost-instantaneous karma of the investigation into his fuckery getting referred to prosecutors. Enjoy your trial, bro!
Lots of talk circulating that President Shartcannon is itchin’ to get rid of Secretary Mattis, because he's had enough of fuddy-duddy grown-ups telling him that he shouldn't bomb England in retaliation for that giant baby balloon. He also seems to fear that Mattis is a “secret democrat,” like maybe he puts on a mask at night and runs around giving working people health insurance or something?
A West Virginia library director attempted to ban Bob Woodward's FEAR (which Cap is slowly working his way through when he has the stomach for it) from the shelves of her branch, because doing so while covering your ears and going “LALALALALALA” as loud as you can means that Sharty McFly has never done anything bad and everyone loves him. Anyway, she was overruled by the board, but in retaliation she plans on going through every book in the joint, cutting out the word “fear” whenever it appears, and then setting them all on fire like a pair of Nikes, or “Treasonsneakers,” as they are now known.
Along similar lines, the Texas State Board of Education voted to remove references to Hillary Clinton and Helen Keller from their curriculum, replacing them with sections like “Overcooking steaks is the American way” and “Trump's inauguration had the biggest crowd in history and don't let your lying eyes tell you any different.”
All I'm sayin‘ is, conservatives wouldn't have such a desperate need to rewrite reality if they weren't so wrong about everything, y'know?
So they're giving Baron Golfin von Fatfuk the power to send “emergency” text messages to everybody's phone whether we want ‘em or not? Golly, I bet that's a power he'll never abuse. Anyway, the day the impeachment trial starts, and you get that text urging you to violently overthrow the Democratic Congress, just shoot back a quick “new phone, who dis?” and move on with your day.
Ted Cruz's increasingly-panicked Senate campaign got busted for sending out fundraising mailers that look like court summonses, because Earth's Most Punchable Man is incapable of doing anything at all without making people go, “CHRIST, what an asshole!” I suppose we could ride Teddy for breaking the law, but I mostly think it's funny that he can't even raise money in a deep-red state without masking the call for support as a threat.
Speaking of the midterms, we're 50 short days out. Why not click on over to Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) and get involved in the battle to take back our country? Polling in competitive districts has been uncomfortably close, my friends, and our candidates need YOUR help.
Of course by now you know the Kavanaugh confirmation story has exploded since we last met. For a couple days, Republicans were all too happy to skate by on, “Oh, the accuser is anonymous? Well that ain't shit! No reason to slow the train down!”
But then Christine Ford came forward in a Washington Post interview, and suddenly the GOP had to treat her like an actual human being, which they were really hoping they wouldn't have to do.
You may be wondering, “Hey Cap, did a bunch of right-wing internet rage monsters jump on the first woman named Christine Ford they could find, and harass the ever-loving shit out of her, even though she turned out to be a completely different person?” Silly question, friends. I mean, does the Pope shit in the woods?
And that wasn't even the grossest victim-smearing scheme. No, that honor goes to an elaborate, Sergio Leone-worthy story where she's apparently spent years planting seeds in an elaborate plot to avenge her parents’ decades-old wronging at the hands of Kavanaugh's mother. Was this load of horseshit immediately debunked? Yes it was. Will it still be accepted as gospel by legions of mouth-breathing deplorables? Again, where does the Pope shit?
Anyway, Republicans sure did a lot of twisting and turning over the past few days. Orrin Hatch, in particular, seems to think the world still operates under Anita Hill-era rules. Mitch McConnell squawked a little bit about "regular order,” proving that reptiles in the turtle family are biologically incapable of shame. In the end, Kavanaugh and his accuser are set to testify publicly next Monday. I'm sure the 11 aging white Republican dudes on the Judiciary Committee will behave admirably.
If there's a silver lining, at least after her political career ends in 2020, Susan Collins will be able to transition seamlessly into her new career as a circus contortionist.
Indicted Pro-Trump CongressCrook (no not that one, the other one) Chris Collins will stay on the ballot in November and still none of the ratings prognosticators think this district is in play because Republican tribalism is so strong their voters aren't going to let a little thing like a felony or two stand between them and their beloved Drumpf Enablers. Hell, the rate we're going, the lack of a substantial rap sheet will be disqualifying in GOP primaries soon enough.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced he's lowering the number of refugees the United States will accept next year by 15,000, down to just 30,000, because gosh darn it, these assclowns are gonna bleach America as much as they can possibly get away with before the Impeachment Fairy shows up to cart them all away.
And now I see President Shitworm has decided to atomically escalate the Big Dumb Trade War with China yet again, because Economic Stewardship by Tantrum has been working out so well. “No big deal,” he thinks, (insomuch as Trump can ever be said to truly “think." “For every factory that closes due to my tariffs, I'll just invent three completely fictitious new steel mills! Easy-Peasy!”
Fuckhead also wants to declassify some shit from the Russia investigation, even at the expense of exposing sources and methods, because covering his own ample ass is infinitely more important to him than the security of the United States, which strikes me as a particularly shitty trait for a President. Call me a bleeding heart.
Well, thank you, The News, you have officially obliterated any lingering post-rock-festival glow I may have hoped to cling to. Nothin’ to do but get back in the fight...
Congratulations to the Victims of Hurricane Maria, You've Been Upgraded to "Non-Existent"
Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd let you have a helmet.
Before we dive in, check out Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms real quick. (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) We've added a fun little map to facilitate navigation. It's crunch time, friends. Get in the fight!
And as always, you can find this post with helpful news links at: http://showercapblog.com/congratulations-to-the-victims-of-hurricane-maria-youve-been-upgraded-from-tragically-senselessly-killed-to-non-existent/
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon continues to melt down over the identity of the anonymous NYT op-ed writer. He keeps trying to shake the truth from his staff, but since he can't actually grasp any lapels with his tiny, inadequate hands, he's provoking more laughter than fear. Which you'd think he'd be used to by now.
Let it never be said that our ol’ chum Paul Manafort isn't an optimist. Word on the street is, he's trying to get a plea deal from Bodacious Bob Mueller, but he wants one where he doesn't have to cooperate with other investigations. Heh. Obviously he learned negotiating from the Shart of the Deal himself. “Hey, how 'bout you let me off the hook in exchange for nothing” isn't how this shit works.
(UPDATE: While I was drinking, er...”writing” news broke that Precocious Paul did indeed strike a plea deal with the Bobadook. Will we learn more details before I get this post up? Fuck, I don't know. Google shit for yourselves sometimes, SHEEPLE!)
Always a pleasure to read “Betsy DeVos loses” in the headlines, ain't it? Though we might pause to wonder why it takes a lawsuit from 19 different Attorneys General to force the Secretary of Education to protect American citizens who've been defrauded by predatory for-profit “colleges.” I feel like I may've read something like “of, by, and for the people” somewhere. A bathroom stall, probably.
Misshapen, Barely-Sentient, Homunculus Eric Trump went on Fux Nooz to demonstrate that white supremacy is so deeply ingrained in his family that they casually fling around the language of the vilest 4chan boards without even noticing. “Extra shekels.” Jesus. The way it rolled right off his forked little tongue. Like something he says all the damn time. What awful, awful people they are.
And hey, it wouldn't be a day ending in “y” if I didn't have a couple stories about GOP officials cavorting with known mega-bigots. For example, Anti-Cantaloupe RageYokel Steve King is out there retweeting white nationalists again, ironically while whining about how everybody keeps calling him racist.
Oh, and a couple of CongressJags got caught partying with a Holocaust denier, but don't tell Steve King cuz he'll get pissed he wasn't invited. Why yes, the CongressJags in question are unusually vigorous Drumpf supporters, why do you ask? Matt Gaetz and Dana Rohrabacher, who knew? They seemed like such nice boys, if you ignore the treason and the seething resentment.
Senator Susan Collins, who has never said a harsh word about the Kochs or Adelsons or Mercers of the world, is curiously irate about a grassroots campaign that's compiling pledges to fund her 2020 opponent should she carry her Gosh I Just Don't Think That Nice Kavanaugh Boy Would Overturn Roe v Wade Even Though He's Wearing a "Roe v Wade Suxx” T-Shirt act to fruition and vote to confirm the bastard.
“It's a bribe!” declared Collins, clutching the pearls she purchased with a small fraction of the millions of dollars worth of Super PAC donations she's received over the years which are somehow not bribes for reasons which are unclear to your humble blogger.
I'm personally grateful for Susan Sarandon's latest batch of self-righteous, tone-deaf, walking-personification-of-rich-white-lady-privilege drivel. Since I spend so much of my time angry at the villainous idiocy of the right, it's kinda refreshing to get angry at the villainous idiocy of someone on the left for a change. Variety truly is the spice of life.
Seems Montana Senator-wannabe Matt Rosendale caught got making out with the NRA under the bleachers after school, in defiance of campaign finance laws. Hmmm. Disregard for the rule of law? Obedient special interest lapdog? All-too-willing tool of the murder lobby? Yeah, Rosendale would fit right in with the Senate GOP. Let's make sure he doesn't get the chance, huh?
You might forgive the Turdwaffle Administration for abandoning efforts to, say, bring manufacturing jobs back to the Heartland, or give Americans better health care, cuz just like a little kid who neglects his other toys when he gets an XBox, they're REALLY enamored with this whole Throwing Immigrant Kids Into Cages thing.
You could say they're obsessed with it. They're skipping their homework (shit like teaching the President how time zones work) to throw every child they can get their hands on into prison. The U.S. government is now detaining at least 12,800 children, a fivefold increase from last year. While our current government isn't very good at making anyone's life better, you have to admit they have a talent for evil.
And imprisoning children doesn't seem to come cheap. I'm just talking monetary terms here, let's ignore the ever-expanding blight on any human soul associated with this monstrosity. Even after going through Stephen Miller's sofa cushions for spare change, these scumfucks came up short, so they decided to raid some other agencies’ budgets. Agencies like the Coast Guard. And FEMA. Not like it's hurricane season or anything. Look, little kids aren't gonna lock THEMSELVES in cages, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
Tired of media criticism of his homicidal neglect of post-Maria Puerto Rico, Government Cheese Goebbels decided to get proactive, and turn a negative into a positive! "Finally, a Holocaust of my very own to deny!”
Yes, the unforgivable death toll in Puerto Rico is a false flag libtard snowflake conspiracy to make Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops look bad. That was the unspeakably inhuman tweeter tantrum America woke up to today.
Good gravy, I'm tired of this foul, foul, old man. This tar-souled hate-monger with a stale, cat-turd-filled do-nut where most men have a heart. This decency-sucking black hole whose reflexive instinct for atrocity degrades my beloved country more and more every day.
And even more than that, I'm sick of the contemptible Republicans in Congress, all too happy to watch everything good about America burn to ash on the off chance the electorate lets them get away with it, but still scrambling to pack the courts as fast as their withered old white guy bones will allow them, just in case we don't.
Shit's potentially getting real on the Kavanaugh front, with Senator Diane Feinstein and Representative Anna G. Eshoo passing a mysterious letter on to the FBI for investigation.
What does the letter say? My first thought, of course, was that it contained evidence that Kavanaugh killed Mr Boddy in the study with the candlestick, but rumors are flying that it's an accusation of sexual impropriety.
I dunno. I just find it hard to believe that Team Shart would field a candidate for such an important post without conducting diligent vetting first.
...I wrote that sentence with a straight face. Promise.
Fuck, y’all. Shit be cray. I can't handle any more of this. To that end, I'm gonna be out of the loop for a bit, taking a much needed weekend off to attend Riot Fest. Hey, somebody teach Rick Santorum elementary school geography while I'm gone, ‘kay?
Say What You Will About Trump, You'd Have to be a MASSIVE Jagoff to Screw Up a 9/11 MemorialOH RIGHT
Oh, the news, the news. I'll say this: if you wagered President Gas Station Urinal Cake would navigate September 11th without making an ass of himself and humiliating the entire country, you fucking well deserved to lose your money.
As usual, you can find this post, with all kinds of helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/say-what-you-will-about-trump-youd-have-to-be-a-massive-jagoff-to-screw-up-a-9-11-memorial-oh-right/
AND we’re doing some fun stuff with the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide, so it’s a little easier to navigate: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/#SND
A lot of things are, frankly, just the same as the last time we talked. That Omarosa person keeps releasing tapes, milking every moment as she rounds third base and enters her last minute or so of fame.
Republicans are still desperately trying to sneak a fundamentally dishonest partisan hack on to the Supreme Court before Susan Collins gets so tired of playing dumb she snaps, screaming “I don't care about reproductive rights! I never cared! I care about corporate personhood and lowering the capital gains tax rate! I'M A MOTHERFUCKING REPUBLICAN, YOU SHITHEADS!”
And hundreds of children remain separated from their families because THE FUCKING UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT KIDNAPPED THEM, in what was, I'll remind you, an act of terrorism.
Goddammit. Anyway. On to the new stuff.
The Ben Sasse Show is SO BORING, you guys. Every episode is exactly the same! He says he considers fleeing the Republican Party “every morning,” or some shit, but then he remembers how much he likes making poor people suffer, and since it's against the law to hunt them like foxes, even on private estates, (he checked) he winds up doing JACK SHIT. Because that's what he ALWAYS DOES. Because he is BEN SASSE.
Benny Boy votes with Donald Trump almost 87% of the time, for the record, so don't just take his criticism of the Shart with a grain of salt, take it with a whole goddamn Morton factory.
I see Georgie Papaderpaderp, fresh off his felony sentencing, is off on the obligatory media tour. Less ridiculous than Spicey, more sober than Nunberg, at least he delivers the reliably self-serving horseshit we've come to expect from the various clowns in this Butthole Circus.
Lil’ Georgie insists Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third was particularly eager to collude during the campaign, cackling and dancing a spritely jig, while tauntingly demanding the other meeting attendees guess his real name lest he claim their firstborn child.
So, you've probably noticed that the Republican Party has gone a little nutty these last few years, right? I only mention this because the Virginia state chapter of the Elephant Squad is doing its damndest to stay on the bleeding edge of conservamentia. First you look at a borderline Klan wizard like Corey Stewart. Then you watch state Senator Richard Black blathering about the British government staging a false flag chemical attack in Syria...do they hold their party conventions around a bootleg bath salts still or something?
Honestly, I'm not surprised, or even bothered anymore, that some rock-headed Republijag can volunteer himself to go on TV and parrot Bashar al-Assad's propaganda word for word. I confess, I'm somewhat less than wild about the idea of these clods making our laws, however.
Well, bad news for decency and freedom of speech, my friends. A nationwide campaign of shoe-burning and sock-chopping by Pudding-Brained Morons Who Are So Racist They'll Destroy Their Own Property drove sportswear titan Nike out of business in four short days, a reaction to a controversial ad campaign featuring quarterback/activist Colin Kaepernick. The industry was rocked by the unexpected - JUST KIDDING Nike's sales surged, their stock is on the upswing, and a bunch of the shittiest idiots in America ruined their clothes for nothing.
(And this is even in the face of fearsome boycotts from the likes of the Ozark Technical School for Jet Ski Repair and Semi-Legal Dentistry.)
Republican Florida Governor candidate Ron DeSantis’ actions keep “monkeying up” his chances to hide his apparent mega-racism from voters, and once again I assure you that “monkey up” is a very common slang phrase. The Washington Post reports he's addressed what they're calling "racially charged events,” which is journo-speak for "Klan rallies with hors d'oeuvres and little plastic champagne glasses.”
Look here, motherfuckers, we spent EIGHT YEARS listening to y’all act like Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers were Obama's fucking groomsmen, so when one of your boys hangs out at this little hate party FOUR DIFFERENT YEARS alongside the likes of Seb Gorka, Bannon, that little Milo peckerwood, Katie Hopkins, Geert Wilders, (GEERT FUCKING WILDERS? It's a white supremacist all-star team!) then yes, we are going to judge you by the scuzzbucket company you keep.
Speaking of, golly Tucker Carlson sure is pissed at the LAMESTREAM MEDIA for pointing out that he's parroting white nationalist talking points. Lil’ advice for Liar Tuck: most of us avoid accusations of parroting white nationalist talking points by never, y'know...parroting white nationalist talking points. Unlike, say...you.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip slithered over to the karaoke machine, and sang It's My Party and I'll Torture Who I Want To. Yeah, he's pulling the U.S. out of the International Criminal Court, threatening 'em on the way, and I'm really not looking forward to what he has planned for Act II.
See, we spend so much time laughing at this administration's bungling (He put his underpants on over his trousers again, OH THAT ZANY DOTARD!), and then they keep slipping in this fuck-up-the-world-cuz-you-don't-understand-what-you're-doing shit. Like leaving the Iran Deal, or the Paris Climate Agreement, or the ICC. Like shutting down the PLO office in D.C. Like the wrecking ball they keep smashing over and over again into the nation's environmental regulations.
Like, imagine hating Obama so much that you reverse methane emission rules just to spite him. A BLACK MAN TOLD A JOKE ABOUT ME ONCE AND THE ENVIRONMENT OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET MUST PAY THE PRICE!!!!! He's a super-villain. A stupid, shitty, ass-faced, super-villain.
Today, of course, is the 17-year anniversary of the Velveeta Vulgarian taking the opportunity presented by a horrific national tragedy to brag about how his building was the biggest and specialest now, since terrorists destroyed his competition.
The Hairplug That Ate Decency marked the occasion with all the solemnity and class you'd expect of him, screeching about the latest dumbfuck right wing conspiracies, and trying to turn America against its own law enforcement community. Old man, could you turn down the treason for ONE FUCKING DAY so we can grieve?
The Manchurian Manchild cancelled his trip to Ireland, once he learned he would not, in fact, be able to meet with the leprechaun from the cereal box, let alone suggest a new T-shaped marshmallow. The whole “President” gig really isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Hey, we finally found something Donnie Dotard does better than Obama! The deficit is ballooning so rapidly even Dr. Ronny Jackson can't cover that shit up. THIRTY-TWO percent increase, over just one year. But don't worry America, we spent all that money on super-useful shit, like Potty Breaks for the Secret Service and...um...Just Giving it to Rich People. Good luck with the rotting infrastructure in your community, tho!
Hey, if you'd like a forehead-shaped dent in your desk, have I got the story for you! Apparently, in their quest to root out "fake news,” Facebook has given fact-check veto power to a number of media outlets, including...the Weekly Standard?!?!?!
In this case, SCOTUS expert Ian Millhiser wrote a little piece about how Brett Kavanaugh dry-humps hotel mattresses with visions of repealing Roe v Wade dancing in his head, and the Weekly Assmunching Standard did not like that, because they are a KNOWN HYPER-PARTISAN PUBLICATION, and all they had to do was wave the magic wand Zuckerberg so graciously placed in their grubby little mitts, and the post was deemed “fake,” and thusly labeled, alongside shit about lizard people watering down the soda machines in Arby's. And yes, this limits the article’s circulation and reach. Neat trick.
So yeah, I guess Facebook gives some conservatives the power to censor stories and ideas they'd rather folks just didn't see. Really shoulda given this one to Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, but he's passed out drunk.
With Hurricane Florence bearing down on the east coast, the Marmalade Shartcannon is busy complimenting himself on the heckuva job he did in Puerto Rico, which will likely come as a surprise to the 3,000 people who died there due his racist neglect.
No doubt President Crotchrot will tour the wreckage after the hurricane hits, demanding effusive praise and thanks from any survivors he comes across.
There's more madness, I know. Klan hoods on cartoon characters and an, ahem, previously undisclosed Lennon/McCartney collaboration, but I picked up a copy of the Woodward book, and I wanna knock out a few chapters before I black out.
PS - Ok, while I was writing, WaPo popped up to say Precocious Paul Manafort is looking to maybe stooge his way to a plea deal, and my condolences go out to whoever's on diaper duty in the West Wing tonight.
The News: A Bunch of Shitheads Did a Bunch of Shitty Things, but BARACK'S BACK, BABY! (Ferret/SC)
Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally start those Caro Lyndon Johnson books that've been gathering dust on my shelf since Borders went out of business? Fuck you, Donald Trump. (As always, this post, with all those super-cool news links, can be found at: http://showercapblog.com/the-news-a-bunch-of-shitheads-did-a-bunch-of-shitty-things-but-baracks-back-baby/)
Before we get cookin', let me push the Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms(http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/). We're in the heart of the fight now, and your Democratic candidates need YOUR help if we're gonna take Congress back. It's a fuckin’ fight, my friends. You can't stay on the sidelines. There's too much at stake.
So I guess the big news was that anonymous op-ed in the Failing New York Times, huh? A mysterious, high-ranking Team Treasonweasel official says he/she is part of a secret Shart House resistance movement, and that they are saving the country from Grampa Hategoober's zaniest, evilest, impulses! They ignore orders, they slip horse tranquilizers into his Cokes, they've set up an entire fake phone line at the Pentagon just to divert tantrum-induced airstrike commands. In other news, Drumpfy sincerely believes that the Air Force is run by one General Hugh Jass, and that Ottawa, Canada, is a smoldering crater.
Anyhow, Strawberry Shartcake is melting down, and it's basically the last scene of Reservoir Dogs in the Oval Office now. Littlefinger wants the Justice Department to drop everything and waterboard the staff that, um, he himself hand-picked.
I see Alex Jones and Marco Rubio bumped chests like a couple of middle school boys in the hallowed halls of the Senate, because, as I have often noted, we live in Hell. You could get buried alive under the avalanche of think pieces about the symbolic nature of this clash of two massive dipshits for the soul of the conservative movement. Ah yes. The screeching, mendacious, hate-monger versus the spineless, self-righteous, haircut. The real winner here is American Decline.
Oh, and a couple hours later, Jones and his shitty little conspiracy website got banned from Twitter until the end of time, cutting him off from his last available significant social media platform. Once the Sandy Hook families he's terrorized for years are done bleeding him dry of every single ill-gotten dollar in court, Jones will likely be reduced to screaming about lizard people while patrons throw tomatoes at him at Renaissance Fairs, one dollar for three tries.
Polls reveal that Dorito Mussolini's desperate campaign to discredit the Mueller investigation is failing like...well, like every other aspect of his Presidency, so he's resorting to new tactics, frantically insisting he has "100 pictures” of the Special Counsel and former FBI Director Jolly James Comey “hugging and kissing each other.”
"Sometimes my whole intelligence briefing is just a slide show of the two of ‘em making out in the back of the theatre during a screening of the beloved Jennifer Lopez vehicle, THE BOY NEXT DOOR,” rambled the President, wiping drool from the corner of his mouth with his too-long necktie. “I have a drawing of Bob Mueller with his whole hand up Comey's ass to the elbow. I doodle sometimes during meetings.”
A couple of Roger Stone's associates are dealing with subpoenas from The Bobadook, and Stone has probably given up hope by now that this is all simply the set-up for an elaborate birthday party. But maybe the FBI agents will still yell “surprise” when they arrest him.
(The Stone associates in question are Randy Credico and Jerome Corsi, for the record. I had typed this into my preparatory notes as “Corsi subpoena,” not knowing autocorrect would change this to “Corgi subpoena,” which was briefly confusing when I sat down to write.)
Laura Loomer is one of those nutjob right-wing internet celebrities; she's famous mostly for disrupting a play like a jackass, because...she's a jackass. Anyhow, she tried her shtick in Congress this week, the latest attempt to fill the deep dark hole that opened in her shriveled, misshapen, soul when she lost her blue checkmark. Loomer's never needed any help making a fool of herself, but when she DOES get an assist, like she got from Congressman Billy Long, the results are..exquisite.
Rapey Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen for...making Roy Moore look like a pervy old clown. Hmmm. If he's successful, Judge Pedo would likely spend the rest of his days suing himself over and over again on the same grounds.
Seems New Jersey Republican Senate candidate Bob Hugin jacked up the prices on a cancer drug his company owns...for Americans anyway, while simultaneously lowering them in Russia, and...are you fucking kidding me? Is this fucking real? Or are we in the Matrix, and Aaron Sorkin just quit and the replacement writers are trying to continue the storylines, but they totally lack subtlety?
Duncan Hunter has long opposed marriage equality on the grounds that “marriage is a vitally important and sacred institution.” Not so sacred that he wouldn't illegally spend campaign cash on multiple mistresses, though. Marriage, while super-duper sacred, also does not seem to be quite sacred enough to prevent Duncan from throwing his sacred wife under the most sacred bus available at the first sign of trouble. Sacredly, of course.
The Kavanaugh confirmation hearings are going really well, except for the part where the nominee is repeatedly revealed as a dishonest partisan hack who has no business judging a Who Grew the Biggest Gourd in Kentucky competition, let alone sitting on the Supreme Sheepfucking Court for the rest of his life.
Nice to see Senate Dems gettin’ all scrappy though, wasn't it? My favorite part was when Cory Booker stood on his desk, took off his shirt, and shouted, “Come at me, bro!” at Chuck Grassley. Honestly, I don't care if Booker IS putting on a show ahead of a 2020 run, he and Mazie Hirono are doing heroic work, releasing documents to the American people that the Republicans on the committee have tried to keep hidden.
So yeah, I guess Bratty Brett perjured himself before Congress a time or two. Received some stolen documents. Lied about it. Misrepresented his position on Roe v. Wade being settled law, which is REALLY gonna inconvenience Susan Collins, who's got all kinds of logical gymnastics to pull off now in order to pretend she doesn't understand what her vote will do to women's rights in this country. He seems to be a less-than-casual fan of civil rights. But honestly, does all that mean he shouldn't be allowed to sit on the highest court in the land and shape American law for the rest of his life?
I mean, FUCK YES IT DOES, but try telling that to the criminal cabal we call the Senate GOP Caucus.
...you could totally tell Kavanaugh was fartin’ up the hearing room the whole time, too. Jerk.
Rudy Giuliani now claims his Doddering Dotard client will not answer any questions about obstruction of justice, in person or in writing, no way, no how. He will not answer in a note, he will not answer on a boat. He will not answer on a beach, he will not answer when his traitorous ass finally finally FINALLY gets impeached. And then maybe he "backtracked." Can we all be honest enough to admit Rudy is an addled old man who doesn't understand what he's saying?
I see we've arrived at the Switching Out Insufficiently Enthusiastic Audience Members portion of the Shitty Real Life Orwell Theatre production we're all trapped in. Also the Trumpkin Literally Wipes Her Nose with the American Flag portion, it seems. Straight Dime Store Stalin shit.
And Little Georgie Papaderpaderp was sentenced today, to two weeks in prison, a year of supervised release, and permanent exile from Jeff Sessions’ Xmas card list. He also has to do 200 hours of community service, which I'd like to suggest could be filled by working up a stand-up routine based around his insider knowledge of Stephen Miller's porn history.
Th’Paper of Record felt compelled to publish an entire article debunking the American President's assertion that he doesn't use certain slurs, or demean southerners in general, often both at the same time. I'm sure Shart-O the Clown's southern base will learn of his lifetime of derisive dismissal of them and...shout Lock Her Up some more. Hell. We live in HELL.
Now I can joke about living in Hell, but it's the actual fucking reality for the hundreds of immigrant children our shitsack government continue to detain. And now the monsters are trying to weasel around the laws that keep them from jailing kids indefinitely. This Parade of Rectal Tumors has more or less given up on bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but kids in cages? That one they'll fight for, tooth and inadequately-short claw.
Oh hey! That Barack Obama guy came back! I missed him. I missed decency and honesty and...grammar. Anyway, the opening salvo of his return to politics on the midterms campaign trail was a doozy. It was tougher than I was expecting. It feels like another turning point on the road to taking our country back. Good.
And I'm glad to have Obama back in the fight. But if you take only one thing he said today (or ever, for that matter) to heart, let it be this: “You cannot sit back and wait for a savior.”
Damn right, Mr. President.
You’re the savior. YOU. You reading this right now. Your country needs you. You up to it?
You better be. You need to be.
The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring Brett Kavanaugh! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and some steaks.
(You want this post with super-helpful news links? You know you do. Click here: http://showercapblog.com/the-u-s-senate-presents-shitty-dinner-theatre-starring-brett-kavanaugh/)
It's almost kinda cute watching the various mini-Trumps of the GOP feebly attempt his schtick. Rod Blum, incumbent in the Iowa first, summoned all his might to attack the filthy Lügenpresse when a journalist...asked him a question. (Gasp!) While Blum required several days in the ICU, he is expected to make a full recovery.
Speaking of mini-Trumps, awwwwwww!!!! Young KKKris KKKobach has a grand jury investigation of his very own! THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! Anyway, have fun with everybody pokin’ through your vote-suppressing drawers, you cheap Nazi fuck.
Paul Manafort's daughter is so ashamed of her dirtbag traitor felon dad that she's changing her name, which is like a double-schadenfreude brownie with mint frosting and gofuckyourself chips. They should print out that article, and paper the walls of Paulie's fuckin’ cell with it.
I'm sure you've seen the pics of fuckin’ Melania, pretending to garden in high heels. Like, is this the First Lady of the United States, or an unused concept for a Duran Duran video from 1983?
Now it seems Omarosa may have recorded nearly every conversation she had with Weehands McDick in the fucking White House? Good gravy. Y’all, if this cut-rate attention whore can pull that off, IMAGINE what an all-you-can-eat buffet this gaggle of incompetent assclowns is for foreign intelligence services. It's safe to assume the Russians have the nuclear codes by now. Fuck, they've got the formula for Coca-Cola. Maybe even Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe.
And I guess the Shart House is hiding behind executive privilege to suppress thousands of pages of documents on Brett Kavanaugh. I dunno. Me, I like surprises. When he rules that it's totes constitutional to replace K-12 schooling with Just Watching Fox News All Day, it'll be a real fun twist.
Oh, didja see the thing where President Crotchrot attacked Attorney General Sessions for refusing to squash the prosecutions of a couple of criminals because they happen to be “popular” members of The Party?
Anybody else remember when news like that would've ground the entire world to a halt? Now it's all, “Oh, the American President doesn't like that there are laws, I guess. That seems less than ideal.”
Y’all, they would've impeached Obama SO HARD if he'd said that shit. They'd have impeached him if there was a RUMOR he said it. They'd have impeached him if he read a book where a character said it. They'd have impeached Michelle and Sasha and Malia and Bo and Joe Biden and Luther the Anger Translator.
Not only will Shart Garfunkel face no consequences whatsoever for demanding that his gang of thugs be allowed to flaunt the law, but his invertebrate enablers in the institutional GOP are sending warmer and warmer signals that if he feels like kickin’ it dictator-style, firing the AG and the Special Counsel, and more or less incinerating the rule of law in America once and for all, they're 31 flavors of cool with it.
Anyway, as I've mentioned, my fallback plan used to be teaching, but lately I've been thinking of joining the Republican Party, holding up a few banks, and then just waiting for my pardon.
So I guess the New Yorker invited Steve Bannon to some big fancy shindig, and everybody got mad because they were worried that the secretions from his facial sores would drip in the punch, and they went, “Look. I don't party with white supremacist losers, no matter how obtuse your cartoons are,” so Darth Wino got un-invited and now he's free to make balloon animals at your daughter's cotillion that night.
Insomuch as this silly little blog can be said to have a “mission statement,” it's right up there at the top: Chronicling the Insanity of the Trump Era Because Future Generations Are Gonna Think We Made All This Shit Up.
In the spirit of this holy mission, I want to reassure whatever yet-unborn historian or high school student or alien anthropologist picking through our civilization’s remains that may be reading this in the far-off future that what I am about to tell you is totally fucking real.
You probably already know our culture was struggling with virulent bigotry at this point in American history. What may surprise you is that some folks were so deranged with racist hate that they would not only destroy their own property, but post recordings of the destruction on the information superhighway (or “internet”) to impress other racists.
You see, there's this one black man they hate with the passion of a thousand suns (Why? Oh, he engaged in an act of peaceful protest. Don't ask.), and he's in this ad campaign, and so yeah, they're setting their shoes on fire. And shorts and socks. I think they're taking them off first, but I can't vouch for that with any confidence.
People are fuckin’ weird, is what I'm sayin’.
I see former Senator John Kyl will be filling the remainder of John McCain's term. I confess, I've been caught flat-footed by this one. I have no John Kyl jokes. Is John Kyl funny? Ummmm...now many John Kyls does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...shit, I got nothin'. LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO!
Some excerpts from Bob Woodward’s forthcoming behind-the-scenes peak at the Drumpf White House, titled “Nitwit” or “Shit-fer-Brains” or something, prompted a wave of denials from high-ranking officials.
“I did not call the President a turd-gargling doofus during a staff meeting,” insisted General John Kelly, "That happened at the Xmas party.”
“Rumors that I whacked the President across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when he suggested assassinating Bashar al-Assad are exaggerated,” said Defense Secretary Mattis through a spokesman, “the newspaper was exclusively a short-term potty-training tool, and a damned effective one if I do say so.”
“No habla inglés,” said Sean Spicer, from behind the bushes in his front yard.
Rugged Robert Mueller has indicated that he's willing to accept some written answers from Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops on certain topics in his Russia probe. Hope he's also willing to accept them in Rudy Giuliani's handwriting.
I guess I'm supposed to gripe about the all the bullshit Senate Republicans belched up in the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing today. I suppose I could parse every act of hypocrisy, great and small. I could scream MERRICK GARLAND until my throat bleeds.
I confess I didn't watch. I did see some clips, and I'm happy with the fight I saw from our Dems. Good, scrappy, shit.
In the end, the whole thing's for show, and all the indignant GOP speechifyin’ boils down to “We have the power to do this thing, and we're going to do it as quickly as possible, because we all know the wheels could come off this fucker any minute.”
At least Kavanaugh showed his true colors for all the world to see, giving the sub-zero shoulder to the grieving father of a Parkland victim. Him n’ Neil Gorsuch are gonna carve out out a nice little We Hate People Caucus on the bench. On the weekends they'll smoke cigars, drink brandy, and wander down to the charity wards to watch the poor folks die from treatable diseases.
Folks, I don't blame you if you're mad about this shit. Brett's a real prick, and he'll do real harm. Is there still a chance to stop his confirmation? I suppose, but it depends on Republican senators magically not behaving like Republican senators. From where I'm sitting, the best thing we can do is make sure he's the last lunatic right-winger ever to get nominated.
Take back Congress in 2018. If we really bust out asses, we can even take back the Senate, and Fat Q*Bert’s judge-appointin’ days will end. Oh, and I just happen to have an amusing-yet-informative resource (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) to help you do your part, aren't you lucky?
Take the White House back in 2020. Then, unlike last time, don't ease up. Don't assume, “Obama's got this, I can relax.” That elevated level of activism you've seen in yourself and your friends over the last year and a half? Maintain it. For the rest of your life. So we don't get blown out in the midterms. So we don't lose juuuuust enough votes to the useless goddamn Green Party to prevent winning that third consecutive term.
What I'm saying is, hold on to power until you get to nominate Clarence Thomas’ successor, and then Gorsuch and Kavanaugh get to spend their golden years seething ineffectually in the minority.
It'll take awhile. It'll be a life's work, actually. But it's worth it...you down? Cuz I'm down.
Anyhow, like I said, I've been focused on other stuff of late, so I probably missed a story or two. Sue me. I hear Ty Cobb is available
LET'S MONKEY UP THIS BLOG BECAUSE "MONKEY UP" IS SOMETHING HEP PEOPLE SAY ALL THE TIME!!!(Ferret/SC)
Look, through all the insanity of the last few years, I've done my best to stay positive, but I have to confess, my friends...I'm worried. Though I'm not a superstitious man, it's hard to see the blinding horror of Theresa May dancing as anything other than a sign of imminent apocalypse. Hug your loved ones, is all I'm saying.
(Before we dive into the madness, let me pimp Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/ now updated with 45 House races, most of the Senate map, and even a governor's race or two. Well, it's one. Spoilers. Anyway, click that shit. Get involved.)
And of course, this post is available, with all sortsa helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/lets-monkey-up-this-blog-because-monkey-up-is-something-hep-people-say-all-the-time/
So Devin Nunes decided he needed a life-affirming adventure, to help him get over his breakup with the country he betrayed, so he crossed the pond to see what it might be like to fuck some limey pigs for a change. He also figured he'd get to the bottom of this whole “dossier” thing and the Christopher Steele fellow who assembled it. Dumbass actually tried setting up meetings with British intelligence agencies, like he's not a world-renowned stooge. Bet he tried sneaking in wearing a top hat and a monocle.
While we're on the international diplomacy front, we learned the Shart of the Deal once tried charming his Japanese counterpart by snarling “I remember Pearl Harbor,” which is untrue for the dual reason that 1) He wasn't alive in 1941, and 2) His mind is so addled he doesn't remember to unzip his pants before pissing half the time. I swear, if this dipshit didn't have nuclear codes, he'd get his ass kicked every single day of his life.
In a closed-door meeting with a yowling pack of the hypocritical faux "Christians” who elevate a serial thief/liar/adulterer/steak-ruiner as a moral paragon, Baron Poostain Harkonnen took credit for something he hadn't actually accomplished (oh THAT old chestnut) and babbled about how Antifa stormtroopers will burn down every church in America unless Salma Hayek goes out with him, or some similar horseshit.
The GOP is so afraid of Badass Congressional Candidate Abigail Spanberger down in the Virginia 7th, they used shady methods to get ahold of her super-classified SF86 national security clearance form. They're trying to smear her as some sort of borderline terrorist, when in actuality she was protecting our country as a CIA operative overseas while her opponent, Dave Brat, was delivering the Koch brothers billions in unmarked bills via the bullshit Republican tax scam.
After Tuesday's primaries, general election season kicked off in Florida, where gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis made sure everybody understood his personal racism is so deeply ingrained that he can't go one day without casually dropping some straight Mississippi Burning shit on national television. Destructive gaffe, or clever strategy to fire up the dirtbag GOP base? You decide.
Anyway, Lil’ Ronnie Dogwhistle was also caught moderating a super-racist Facebook hate group, which his campaign feebly claims he was added to without his knowledge. "Somebody's just trying to monkey up the narrative,” claimed a spokesman, who is obviously quite invested in establishing “monkey up” as something normal people actually say in real life. Which it is not.
Things may look grim for DeSantis at the moment, but he's already getting a helping hand, in the form of robo-calls sponsored by neo-Nazis. “Oooo, Cap, good joke! That is indeed an absurd extrapolation of the Monkey Up story, that he would get support from neo-Nazis! Well done!” Nope. Not a joke. A thing that happened in the real world. Sleep tight.
Bruce Ohr is the latest target in Tangerine Idi Amin's ongoing quest to purge the FBI of anyone who will hold him and his co-conspirators to account for their crimes. I'm looking forward to “Do you have plans to destroy any law enforcement agencies in a fit of panicked self-preservation, and if so, which ones?” being a debate question going forward.
I'm not sure if it's fear or hubris or a lack of options, but the Candycorn Skidmark is becoming increasingly brazen in his lies these days. Just pullin’ stuff straight out of that ass that Dr. Ronny Jackson claims is two feet narrower than it actually is.
"China hacked Hillary Clinton's e-mail server,” he bellowed, from the (sigh) Presidential pulpit. And the FBI wasted no time in issuing a bold, firm, NOPE. “Google is hiding all the boatloads full of good news about me because they're worried you'll love me too much!” And another swift, decisive NAH.
And for the Big Fat Goebbels Lie Cherry on Top, now Orange Julius Caesar is taking “That interview I gave with Lester Holt? The one where I confessed to obstructing justice in front of the whole damn world? It was...um...doctored! Yeah, that's it! I was actually just talking about how much I want to fuck my own daughter!” out for a spin.
On the one hand, it's terrifying to see our nation's chief executive trying to rewrite reality like a drunk with an Etch A Sketch. On the other, it's kinda hilarious that he's chosen “that one thing that everybody on the fucking planet saw with their own eyes” as the hill to die on. It's like the idiot version of the Jedi mind trick. Conman Don imagines that if he can get away with it with the dumbest, most gullible rube, in his sycophantic turd army, then it's good enough for mass consumption.
That rube is probably Eric, now that I think about it. Eric, who would surely shriek for the Secret Service if you played Got Your Nose with him. “Eric, would you believe me if I said it wasn't really my voice on the Access Hollywood tape?” OH MY GOD, DAD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DEEP STATE THOUGHT IT COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT!!!!!
And of course, the Manchurian Manchild congratulated himself on the thousands of senseless deaths caused by his criminal neglect in Puerto Rico, because he is a white supremacist monster and a narcissist utterly lacking in empathy. “Those dead people are thrilled they don't have suffer through the rest of my dumpster fire Presidency, believe me!”
Well, we won't have Don McGahn to kick around anymore. The Shart House counsel is leaving in a few weeks to spend more time trying to wash the treason stink off himself...use steel wool, Don. Did he resign? Was he fired once the Dotard realized the implications of his testimony to the Mueller investigation? Was he forced out by Princess Ivanka and her Pigeon-Voiced Pet/Husband? Who gives a shit?
So far, meetings to pick McGahn's replacement have been largely futile, as aides have been forced to shoot down a number of the President's choices, because they are fictional lawyers from TV shows. Yes, he even tried to get the chicken from Futurama.
Civil Rights Hero Betsy DeVos is finally standing up for campus rapists, and if Republicans keep control of Congress, I'm sure they'll replace Martin Luther King Jr. Day with ten separate holidays, one for each DeVos yacht.
Continuing a controversial "look how much cooler my opponent is than me” advertising strategy, Senator Ted Cruz announced he will project his next campaign ad directly onto Beto O'Rourke's washboard abs.
People are giving Teddy shit for begging the Velveeta Vulgarian to rally with him, but maybe he's wilier than we're giving him credit for. How else can Earth's Single Most Dislikable Thing and Yes That Includes Cancer hope to generate sympathy? “Oh friends, I am so down on my luck that I have nowhere to turn but the very man who crushed my dreams, in the process insulting my father and my wife, woe is me!”
...or maybe he's just a big fat cuck.
In a display of his deft political savvy, President Shartcannon announced he's cancelling raises for millions of federal employees, because after passing hundreds of millions of dollars in tax cuts for super rich dudes like himself, the government needs to tighten its belt at the expense of working folks. Millions of ‘em. All coincidentally eligible to vote. In the goddamn midterms. A few short weeks away.
Further demonstrating his mad negotiating skillz, Shart Garfunkel couldn't stop himself from boasting to reporter about how he had made Canada his personal bitch during NAFTA talks, how they cowered before his before his mighty prowess and totally-normal-sized hands. Needless to say, the Canadians were slightly less than pleased when all this got back to them, and another deadline for an agreement has passed without a deal.
But I'd hate for you to think that the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is a totally ineffective dolt, a bumbling buffoon who nobody listens to! No, his message is getting through loud and clear in certain sectors...like, for example, with 68-year-old Shart fan and gun nut Robert Chain. Rob got himself arrested for threatening to murder some of the good folks at the Boston Globe, parroting the President's trendy “enemy of the people” catchphrase.
Strange, and depressing, that we’ve all gotten used to the President regularly inciting violence against the free press, all in a sad little bid to protect himself from the consequences of their diligent reporting. Poll after poll reveals the strategy is failing, but we've already seen one newsroom shooting and several arrests for threats. And yet, Fuckhead marches out there all the damn time, bellowing “enemy of the people” over and over again, totally unconcerned with the lives he endangers.
While Precocious Paul Manafort rots in jail between trials, one of his ol’ buddies pleaded guilty to crimes stemming from funneling illegal foreign donations to the Comically Under-Attended Shart Inauguration Non-Party fund. How do these people find each other? Is there a dating website, like Farmers Only but for money launderers?
Anyhow, welcome Sam Patten to the cast of characters. Yes, he's tied to a bunch of already-familiar scumfucks like Konstantin Kilimnik and Cambridge Analytica, and yes, he's cooperating with the Mueller investigation now. Robert Altman couldn't keep track of this shit.
We learned a little more about Ian M. Smith, recently forced out of DHS for being a massive white nationalist crotchtumor. Seems he got to attend high-level immigration policy meetings, some featuring his ideological BFF, Stephen Miller. Yep, white supremacists setting immigration policy, right here in the U.S. of A!
Maybe that's how we keep ending up with policies like “abandoning Puerto Rico after a hurricane,” "mega-racist travel ban,” “stealing children from their parents and throwing them in cages,” and now “denying passports to American citizens with Hispanic-sounding names.”
Yes, the white supremacist wing of the Trump Administration (which consists of the entire team down to the fucking interns) is doing all it can to bleach the electorate, questioning the citizenship even of veterans who have served the country in uniform. They're detaining American citizens. Deporting American citizens.
Folks, we are well past the “First they come for...” lines of the poem. When even these latest draconian measures fail to bring manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, you think these assholes will look for new solutions? Or new scapegoats?
And then the Shart Administration cut off funding to a U.N. program that helped Palestinian refugees, just the latest step in their ongoing Let's Make the World Shittier campaign.
I am so sick of this shit. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN MY MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE!
And the world is saying goodbye to John McCain and Aretha Franklin, and damn, I need a pick-me-up.
What's this? A new set of polling data? Let's see what that's about...
Heh.
Hee hee hee heeeeeeee.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
OK, I'm better now. And our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS is closer than ever before. Don't forget to check out that Action Guide, Shower Captives! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
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