TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWelp, Guess We're Talking About Demon Spooj Today. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I really don’t understand how we got here, friends. I think one overlooked possibility is that somebody found a magic lamp and wanted to see what it would look like if Gordon Gekko sold Wonderland to the shittiest people he knew. I’m certainly open to other theories, particularly any that imply I will magically wake up somewhere else someday. Until such time, let's do the news...
(Yup yup, this post, WITH nifty news links, can be found here: http://showercapblog.com/welp-guess-were-talking-about-demon-spooj-today/)
So, the Fox is for Cucks I’ll Show You REAL Right-Wing Disinformation loons at Sinclair Broadcasting were all set to air a segment featuring some disgraced Plandemic nutjob accusing Dr. Anthony Fauci of creating the coronavirus, presumably as part of some slow-burn revenge scheme for all the death threats his family has been getting over his role in the response to the outbreak, yeah he’s also a time-traveler in this scenario, I mean, why the fuck not ANYWAY the skeevy little weirdos were actually shamed into pulling the fucking thing for once.
Look, I am always thrilled when the insanity of the Turd Reich bumps up against boundaries of any kind. So “nation’s leading epidemiologist actually caused global pandemic” is a bridge too far? I mean, okay. I would’ve stopped a couple of bridges ago, but I’m legit comforted to learn that there is still a bridge, however distant from decency and reality, worthy of being deemed “too far.” Little victories, y’know?
I see some enterprising young terrorist burned down the Arizona Democratic Party’s headquarters, though I seem to have missed Hairplug Himmler’s tweet condemning this vile property destruction perpetrated, no doubt, by anti-American hooligans who must now be tear-gassed and beaten by heavily-armed agents of the state. Tell you what, little firebug, you can have the office, we’ll take the take the U.S. Senate seat, and the electoral votes. Shit, I’ll even throw in 1,045 hours of America Online for free.
And today in Right Wing Slap Fights, the Reagan Foundation says the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is no longer invited to join in any of Ronnie’s reindeer games. When two delusional Cults of Personality clash like this, what can one do but point and laugh? “You will not sully our racist senile assclown’s good name by associating it with YOUR racist senile assclown, how dare you,” they growl, through trembling jowls. It’s all very silly.
The Pulitzers will be adding a new category next year, celebrating excellence in field of journalism on How Ron DeSantis Turned Florida Into a Thriving Tourist Destination...for the Coronavirus. WaPo is out to an early lead, but there’s a great deal of work being done in the genre, probably because Ron-Ron is doing such a crackerjack job stimulating his state’s suddenly-booming funeral home industry. Every photograph of DeSantis these days seems to capture a man who doesn’t quite understand why nobody is breaking down his door to arrest him for his crimes, have you noticed that?
Jeez, Tom Cotton wants to be the next Trump soooooo badly. He’s continuing his Look Ma, I’m a Racist Autocrat media tour, talking about the necessary awesomeness of slavery, hoping Cult45 will be so enthralled by his devotion to white nationalism, they won’t notice his Gregory-Peck-on-Valium charisma. Cotton is like the creepy kid at the kegger trying to lure everybody out to an after-party at his uncle’s goat farm. Tom, I know you dream of inheriting this mob, and riding their adulation to a throne crafted from the bones of your libtard foes, but you ain’t likable enough, son. If Hillary wasn’t likable, you’re actively, off-puttingly, seriously-we’re-shipwrecked-in-the-uncanny-valley-level unlikable. Looking forward to watching you fail, though.
Well, the Duchess Melania looked out upon an America trembling with worry over an unemployment crisis teetering on the brink of transforming into an eviction crisis, and said, “Fear not my children, I have picked this extremely appropriate moment in time to give the Rose Garden an expensive makeover in my own inimitable, super-classy style!” What sort of Clockwork Orange Versailles bullshit is this? Lady, if you’re not planting a tasteful vegetable garden with the intent to donate the bounty to local food banks, sit your I Really Don’t Care Do You plutocrat ass down.
Speaking of the Turd Family Robinshart, young Barron Trump’s school will not, it turns out, be reopening in the fall, because doing so would be unsafe; we are in the middle of a pandemic, you see. Your children are not to be given the same consideration of course, no, your families are to be conscripted into President Crotchrot’s re-election campaign, as extras in their Busby Berkeley spectacular, “Everything Is So Very Normal, We Promise!” and no, the campaign will not reimburse any funeral costs, not even the child coffins even though they’re smaller.
I confess I had completely forgotten just which sycophantic nitwit happens to be Shart Garfunkel’s National Security Advisor this week; I knew it wasn’t the unregistered Turkish agent or the Murderstache guy anymore, but keeping track of these disposable hacks keeps getting trickier as the bottom of the barrel gets scraped clean. Turns out it’s some dude named Robert O’Brien, who is perhaps most famous for testing positive for COVID-19 the other day.
And so once again, the virus works its way into the White House without making that one last leap the whole world is wishing for. This is worse than waiting for Tony and Angela to get together, probably because Tony didn’t get a thousand people killed every episode by being shitty at his job.
The Velveeta Vulgarian announced he will not pay his respects to John Lewis while the civil rights icon’s body lies in state, saying he’s “seen too many Indiana Jones movies to fall for that one.” Honestly, after the lightning strike on the Statue of Liberty the other day, I can’t say as I blame the treacherous shitstain.
Ok, so we all know Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot views Dr. Fauci as a rival, because the epidemiologist’s approval ratings are better than his own, and yes, that’s atomic madness all by itself, but it’s only the set-up for this next little insanity dumpling: you see, in a fit of jealous rage upon seeing Fauci was selected to throw out the first pitch of the Washington Nationals’ season, Littlefinger immediately proclaimed he’d been invited to throw out a first pitch of his own, by the New York Yankees, even though...he hadn’t. And then he remembered he’s much too big a pissbaby to risk throwing a ball with those humiliatingly diminutive digits of his, and backed out of the invitation he made up for himself, and this shit is so embarrassing at this point, I’m surprised it’s not happening to Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents.
Wooooooooooo we are in trouble, friends. This is the moment when the mad king stumbles out onstage for his soliloquy, and Shakespeare lets us see just how far gone he is, and how deeply fucked the situation in the kingdom will remain so long as his HEY NONNY NONNY WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FIRST PITCH ‘TWOULD HAVE BEEN ass sits on the throne. Act V is gonna be a doozy.
Seems Mitch McConnell finally noticed the coronavirus stimulus bill House Dems sent to his desk in May and went, “Hmmm, while I have drastically reduced unemployment for idiot right-wing ideologues by appointing them to federal judgeships, it would appear other sectors of the economy are not fairing quite so well,” and so his caucus of fascism-enabling Koch puppets finally, weeks too late, scribbled down their own version, a predictable fiscal taint punt to the millions of Americans still out of work due to their Turd Emperor’s deadly dithering.
Republicans also want to replace the funds Government Cheese Goebbels pilfered from the Pentagon’s budget to pay for his big dumb wall, effectively ceding Congress’ power of appropriations to the executive forever, and oh yeah, finance a new headquarters for the FBI that oh-so-coincidentally would block an expected competitor for Wee Don’s shitty D.C. hotel. You might not think there’s much going on behind those empty eyes, but the man is always, ALWAYS grifting.
I see Doctor Dotard is out there pimping hyrdroxychloroquine again, because he’s so warped by a lifetime of Daddy’s money bailing him out of every jam that he can’t fathom the concept of a problem that won’t simply disappear. Plan A is wait for a miracle cure to appear, Plan B is golf.
The latest snake oil spokesmoron is Stella Immanuel, whose credentials in the prestigious field of Telling Wingnuts What They Want to Hear have perhaps overshadowed her extensive record of publicly ranting about alien DNA and demon spooj. Now, we use a lot of hyperbole here at the Shower Cap Blog, so let’s take a quick moment to clarify that this is not a case of “oh, this person says such crazy things she may as well be talking about demon spooj,” but rather of, “no, she really believes endometriosis is caused by copulating with demons in your dreams,” but really, the big question here is when does Gwyneth Paltrow starts expanding her candle line?
Like a lot of Republicans, Georgia Senator David Perdue has noticed the 300-pound-sack-of-monkey-shit-with-a-golf-club-shaped electoral anchor lashed to his ankle, putting his once-safe gig as an authoritarian’s loyal doormat at risk. “How’m I gonna get out of this pickle?” Perdue asked his campaign staff. “Well, I’ll just have to run on my record. Wait, why is everyone laughing?”
“Senator, the trouble is, voters may not understand just how Jewish Jon Ossoff is. Fortunately, I have just what we need, a nose-lengthening filter with settings ranging from Dog Whistle to Cookout at Richard Spencer’s House. I’ll apply it to our campaign ads, and you’ll coast to re-election!” And to think, some say there’s a white supremacy problem in the GOP.
Bilious Bill Barr testified before the House Judiciary Committee, claiming that systemic police racism is fake, though roving antifa hordes are totally real, and y’know, maybe we should spread a few of those cognitive tests liberally around the executive branch. Bill certainly brought his Lying Pants, and also his Feigning Indignity Cufflinks. Remind me to buy something special to drink when this fascist fuck makes his final stroll out of the White House.
As of posting time, there was no word as to whether Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal intended to return AG Barr’s wee autocrat testicles to him following their confrontation during the hearing; perhaps he can arrange to rent them from her on special occasions, like his birthday.
Anyway, if anybody’s wondering how my day is going, well, I just watched the President of the United States flee the briefing room because he couldn’t handle questions about why he thought platforming the Satan’s Jizz lady was a good idea, how ‘bout you?
Aaaaand that’s just about all I can take. I’m sure my nightly howl of despair has been accepted as routine by my neighbors by now, sort of a reverse rooster crow, signifying there’s a lid on for the evening. Stay safe out there, Resisters, shit is truly, madly, deeply cray.
Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV! Five Words to Say While They Drag You Away! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I was gonna write “TGIF,” like the day of the week still matters at all, or the weekend brings some sort of release from the insanity that carpet-bombs our consciousness every minute of every day, but I decided against it. Fuck. It’s raining golf ball-sized batshit, Resisters, you’re gonna want to wear a hat.
(If you want the links that prove all this shit really happened, click here: http://showercapblog.com/person-woman-man-camera-tv-five-words-to-say-while-they-drag-you-away/)
Look, we’re all just trying to make the best of things here in Hell. I see the Toronto Blue Jays are relocating to Buffalo for the season, and that sounds like a nice little solution, but shouldn’t we flip through a few religious texts real quick, just to make sure there’s nothing symbolically compatible with any End Times myths here? No “when the Bird of the North settles in the Land of the Wing, a Butthole-Mouthed Rich Boy shall fuck up all Creation” kinda stuff?
Because we already know the magic words that open the Seventh Seal:
Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV!
I have certainly never felt closer to the apocalypse than I did watching the footage of the Deteriorator in Chief regaling a Fux Nooz interviewer with the epic tale of his Most Heroic Triumphe Over the Foule and Nefarious Cognitive Test.
Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV!
It’s a new Klaatu Barada Nikto for these deranged times, and chanting it will summon Cthulhu’s shitty, racist cousin, who crashes on your couch and wipes out all life on Earth with his Steak-umms farts.
If you say Person Woman Man Camera TV in the mirror five times, the Candyman will go on a ten-minute rant about how mask mandates violate his civil rights.
Friends, it is MADNESS that this visibly crumbling imbecile has been allowed to keep the powers of the presidency. He is a criminal, he is a sociopath, he is a brainless, broken manchild with only the most selfish and sinister motivations, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT what’s left of his Adderall-addled mind is leaking out of his goddamn nostrils and splattering on the Resolute desk like cold oatmeal. Impeachment, 25th amendment, covid...I’m not particular at this point.
Missed this one last time, but now we’ve learned Shart Garfunkel pressured our Ambassador to Britain to find some way to get the British Open awarded to his tacky-ass Scottish golf club, and I suppose we should be thankful his imagination is limited to these petty grifts, rather than Fleming-esque master plans to weaponize the full powers of his office, though given a second term, he’d surely get around to menacing European capitals with nuclear weapons in order to extract ransom.
Gaslighting is certainly challenging in this age of readily-available video receipts, and I’d almost pity Kellyanne Conway her thankless task as Minister of Disinformation, if her work wasn’t, you know, a relentless attempt to destroy the United States on both the symbolic and physical levels. Anyway, watching her try to shame governors who re-opened their states too early as though the Turd Reich hadn’t done their damndest to flog everyone out the door was...I mean, you can’t convince Paula she lost her brooch if she saw you steal it on CNN.
Speaking of Team Treasonweasel’s ongoing campaign against reality, their latest re-election strategy involves feeding the country footage of the very carnage wrought by their candidate’s never-ending string of fuckups while screaming LOOK AT WHAT JOE BIDEN WANTS! Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, I guess it makes about as much sense as saying your opponent has dementia while your guy keeps screaming LOOK AT ME I CAN REMEMBER FIVE WORDS, but I don’t see it playing in the Rust Belt.
Operation Legend, or “Losers Emulating the Gestapo to Enact Needed Distractions” is ramping up, on the theory that you can win an election by making people more afraid of a fake thing than a real thing. Like, just the authoritarian part of dispatching unaccountable federal officers to beat up peaceful protesters is perfectly insidious on its own; but then when you factor in the bit where it’s all ultimately a ploy to superimpose an imaginary urban crime problem over the very real coronavirus problem, I mean, that’s some genuinely evil shit, right there.
Redactor General William Barr boasted his personal private police force made 200 arrests in Kansas City alone, an impressive statistic he only inflated by a factor of 200. Let me be clear and say I would rather Bilious Bill keep on telling fish stories here than try to make reality match his lies, but again, none of this Putin’s Playhouse theatre is going to make us forget the fucking pandemic, campers, so you may as well cut it out.
I’m sure the last remains of Ted Yoho have been scraped off the bottom of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s boot like so much dog poo by now, but I don’t know what the process is here...does the governor appoint a replacement, or does the Florida 3rd just have to settle for being represented by Ted’s obliterated husk now?
While we have to wait until January to see decency restored in the White House, it seems COVID-19 can come and go as it pleases. It was a cafeteria worker that tested positive this time. It’s only the, what, third time the little bastard has gotten within coughing distance of the Oval Office? Fourth? Your wishes aren’t QUITE hitting that star yet, is what I’m saying; you shoulda written down what that fuckin’ cricket said.
So, Stephen Miller’s grandmother died of COVID-19, and before you could even begin to wrestle with the question of how much sympathy a mass-murdering monster deserves for losing his Nana, the Shart House comms shop, aka Miller’s office, screeched “NO, COVID IS FAKE SHE DIED FROM LOVING HER GRANDSON TOO MUCH,” and this one’s right at the intersection of evil and banality, isn’t it?
Like, Stephen’s empathy-challenged idiot boss using his enormous platform to circulate the lie that kids don’t spread coronavirus, a lie that will absolutely get people killed, get CHILDREN killed; that’s obviously many degrees more heinous than fibbing about gramma’s death certificate, but y’know...if you’ll tell the small lie, of course you’ll tell the big one. I don’t wanna play pundit, but electing mendacious fools who don’t care about human life might’ve been a mistake.
The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, joins Peevish Paul Manafort in home confinement (well, confinement in their own separate homes, of course, though that’d be one heckuva reality show), after a judge found he’d been sent back to prison in retaliation for his forthcoming book, “Crimes the President Ordered Me to Commit on His Behalf.” I’m emotionally torn here. I’m pro-Cohen-in-jail because he’s a felon, but definitely anti-imprisoning-enemies-of-the-regime-for-speaking-out, because fuck that fascist noise with rusty garden shears, and also pro-publishing-books-that-crotch-punt-Donnie-Dotard-before-the-election, but anti-Michael-Cohen-profiting-from-his-crimes. To say nothing of pro-using-hyphens-like-this, and anti-looking-up-if-doing-so-is-grammatically-allowable.
Don’t you just hate it when you have to cancel the massive cult rally you desperately needed to temporarily fill the loveless void that opened in your soul when your father sent you to military school JUST BECAUSE the pandemic you’ve let rage unobstructed through the country has spun so completely out of control that it isn’t safe to assemble in groups? Yeah, that’s a real bummer, Shart-Shart. I know you were looking forward to your little shindig down in Jacksonville, but then, 148,000 Americans (and counting) were looking forward to finishing out their natural lives, soooooooo...y’know, we’ve all got problems.
Like, how does Cult45 rationalize this shit? “Oh, obviously it is simultaneously unsafe for our leaders, who have naught but our best interests at heart, to hold their convention, but completely safe to send our children back to school, and you are a communist and a pedophile to contest either point!”
Well looka here, as if on cue, suddenly the CDC’s not-at-all politicized new guidelines say schools somehow magically became safe overnight, and that children and novel coronaviruses should frolic in the fields together because the risks of contraction and transmission are really quite low, tra-lee tra-la! Cool that the institutions we trust with our health and safety have been corrupted by a pudding-brained crook who STILL THINKS HE CAN LIE HIS WAY OUT OF A PANDEMIC, heaven help us all.
Anyway, yeah, we’re back at the point where the corpse mound is high enough that even President Crotchrot has to once again grudgingly confess the problem is kinda sorta almost real, and one really good reason to vote for Joe Biden is to break that fucking cycle before everybody’s dead or crazy.
Congressional Republicans are, of course, hard at work crafting legislation to help the covid-weary American public through these trying times. Take Louie Gohmert’s bill to abolish the Democratic Party BECUZ TH’CONFEDERACY HAW HAW HAW, reflecting the rapidly-emerging scientific consensus that the coronavirus can be contained by dipshit wingnut trolling.
Then there’s Tom Cotton, who can find no better use for his time than to performatively introduce nuisance legislation that would prevent public schools from teaching the New York Times’ 1619 project, because he really wants the whole world to know the precise longitude and latitude of his residence on the wrong side of history. I am so exhausted by everything that’s happened since Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s escalator descent directly into everyone’s brain, and knowing I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life fighting to keep men like Cotton away from power makes me want to scream till my throat explodes.
Major League Baseball’s pandemic-delayed opening day saw every player and coach save one kneel in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, and folks, when traditionally conservative cultures like professional sports and People So Rich They Own Sports Teams are behaving like this, you know the ground is really moving. That Game Show Göring has so insistently planted his flag on the wrong side of this increasingly important issue certainly bodes well for November...and it’s also pretty fucking funny. These assclowns keep doing shit that everyone hates, and then they don’t get why their polls are bad. I mean...nobody tell ‘em, I guess.
And now Mitch McConnell and his useless, overmatched caucus seem to have finally noticed that the economy will melt down like Sam Nunberg (remember him?) without another stimulus bill, but they’re dithering over precisely how much new suffering the American people must be asked to bear in the name of the Republican Party’s catastrophic failures. Dunno about y’all, but that makes me want to elect a bunch of new Democratic Senators. Say, you remember the Action Guide from the midterms? Might be just about time to dust that thing off...
Well, I’m in Chicago, so I’m definitely curious/excited/filled with dread to see just how much fascism is coming to town this weekend, wish me luck! Wherever you are, stay safe, there are an awful lot of interesting things trying to kill you these days.
Fascist Idiots Fuck Up Literally Everything, Part LXXXVII (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey there, Resisters, hope the federal government hasn’t abducted you into an unmarked van, but if they have, I hope you’re getting good enough reception in there to read my shit. Things’re just gonna keep getting crazier and crazier out here, so you may be better off in the van, honestly.
(As always, get this post with nifty nooz links here: http://showercapblog.com/fascist-idiots-fuck-up-literally-everything-part-lxxxvii/)
Of course you know this by now, but yes, last weekend saw the passing of one of the greatest Americans who ever lived, Congressman John Lewis. God knows he deserved to be there the day we finally get rid of these cheap white supremacist thugs, but I guess we don’t get to make those calls. I don’t know what to do except grieve the loss, and get back to work.
I was actually worried I wouldn’t be able to get a blog up tonight, I’ve been so busy slapping the congressman’s name out of Republicans’ mouths as they vomit up their bullshit tributes, one after the other, as though they don’t spend their lives perpetrating the very evil Lewis spent his whole life fighting. That Mitch McConnell’s desk didn’t burst into flames for simultaneously holding both his disingenuous statement and the voting rights bill he’s been blocking certainly reaffirms my atheism, not that I’ve had many doubts lately, what with all the inescapable awfulness.
The Marco Rubio brand survived the nation’s moment of grief intact; we’ve come to expect clownishness and disappointment from the Florida Senator, and boy did he deliver with the All Civil Rights Heroes Look Alike to Me tweet we all knew was coming from at least one Republican Senator, and yeah, most likely Marco (Dan Sullivan, too!). And to think, some say the party has a racism problem.
I was gonna write about the lies in Dorito Mussolini’s latest anti-Biden ad, but Linkin Park got it taken down almost immediately over a copyright violation, because getting legally smacked down by pop musicians is somebody’s kink over there in the Shart Campaign. I’m sure losing a fight to aging suburban white boy rage rockers is great for projecting an authoritarian strongman image, right?
Anyhoo, even though the President assured us the coronavirus would go away, it has decidedly not gone away, wow, that’s weird, that bit always works on Chuck Todd. Florida seems hellbent on DiMaggioing their 10,000-cases-or-so every day streak, and we learned one Texas county has seen 85 infants test positive for COVID-19 since March.
Will you do me a favor and say that out loud to yourself? Scream it, ideally. EIGHTY-FIVE BABIES IN ONE COUNTY GOT COVID. There is NO fucking excuse for this to still be happening in the richest, most advanced nation in human history. We are not in the HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO stage anymore. We haven’t been for weeks. We know what we need to do. Every other first world nation has figured this shit out, and the solutions are right there on the internet, there isn’t even a paywall, though I’m willing to Venmo Jacinda Ardern a few bucks if it will speed things along, because I’m real fucking tired of being trapped inside my apartment by this state-mandated fake ignorance.
Because still, STILL, after all this time and trauma and devastation and death, the Treasonweasel Administration is actually trying to fucking block funding for testing and tracing in the next stimulus bill.
The MADNESS of that. It’s straight George R.R. Martin shit.
They’ve basically got Steve Mnuchin at the negotiating table, going, “The official position of the President and his campaign is that there is no coronavirus problem, and therefore we will not allow you to fight the coronavirus.”
What the living FUCK, man? Like, let’s work out a compromise where we get the funding but you pretend it never happened (you have a lot of practice with that shit, after all), we’re just trying to survive the last act of this tragedy, y’know?
Now, the second half of the master re-election plan, after Pretend Pandemic Isn’t Happening Tee Hee No One Will Ever Find Out Otherwise, is still to terrify suburban voters into backing him, by telling them campfire ghost stories about roving antifa mobs that’re coming to their neighborhoods to fuck up all their shit for Some Reason.
Trouble is, the mobs have been uncooperatively peaceful, which I guess isn’t that much of a problem if you’re planning a police state-style crackdown anyway. I mean, if you really want scary footage of violence in the streets, you can always just send unidentified federal officers out into said streets, and tell them to start hurting people. Of course no decent president would order such a monstrous thing, but a little while back, America decided that they’d rather sacrifice decency than take down the No Girls Allowed sign outside the Oval Office.
However, the city of Portland responded to Operation: Please Mom Can I Have Just a Little Fascism with an even larger, peacefuller protest, daring the goose-steppers to start some shit with the whole world watching, denying Hairplug Himmler the violent response he so desperately sought to provoke. This plan is horrifying, yes, but it’s also totally fucking transparent, because it’s been conceived by idiots.
Speaking of idiot goose-steppers, holy balls we have some eager little Hitler youth over at the Department of Homeland Security. Acting (and good luck getting the little Nazi confirmed, you fucks) DHS Secretary Chad Wolf may not have a thimble’s worth of experience to qualify him for his very powerful job, but he’s quite certain he has the authority to dispatch his unaccountable ICEtapo wherever he fucking well pleases, to kidnap whichever Americans they’re moved by the moment to kidnap, desires and rights of the local authorities be damned.
Chad Wolf is how shit like the Holocaust happens, folks. Angry, subpar dudes discover they can obtain positions of terrifying power by flattering a demagogue and enacting his violent will. We’re only lucky it took Government Cheese Goebbels so long to find the likes of Wolf and Bill Barr; contemplating the atrocities these fucks would commit if they got a second term would, I fear, spoil my sunny disposition.
And then there’s equally unconfirmed and unconfirmable Ken Cuccinelli, who has clearly been offered first pick of the concentration camps after the Night of the Long Knives. Cooch can’t wait to take this third world secret police act on the road, openly fantasizing about teaching all those big-city liberals a lesson ‘neath the heel of his shiny boot. Kenny is behaving like a man who wants to hurt as many people as he can before the cops drag him away, because that’s exactly what he is.
And on Fux n’ Fiendz, Resentment Spigot Tom Cotton practically drooled on himself in his giddiness to characterize Portland’s tear-gassed mom brigade as basically the same as Confederate traitors so why aren’t we lobbing cannonballs at them already? Anyway, the We Should Kill More Liberals wing of the Republican Party isn’t going away any time soon.
Apparently President Ostomy Bag saw the latest polling and finally decided, “Fuck it, I’m gonna need a job soon,” and applied for a position on the Biden campaign. What other possible explanation could there be for the interview he gave to Chris Wallace? “I’ll show America how stupid n’ crazy n’ dangerously unfit I am, Joe’ll be so glad, maybe he’ll ask the next Attorney General to go easy on me” kinda thing.
Because even in a world that’s grown numb to shitshows, this was a Shitshow for the Ages. The President of the United States of America, the most powerful man on the planet, called out to his face by a reporter for boasting about correctly identifying a drawing of an elephant. For a moment it was almost like a scene in a drawing-room comedy, the smirking Wallace heroically exposing a boorish oaf, and then you remembered, “right, this is the guy with unilateral authority to launch nuclear strikes,” and you cried/drank/screamed yourself to sleep.
And the cognitive test bit was merely one narrow slice of a very large cake made from howling lunacy, and frosted with Holy Fuck We Are All Going to Die. There were so many utterly insane things said in this interview, I’m almost tempted to link to the inevitable Chris Cillizza listicle, but I have, y’know...standards.
Anyway, the Biden camp said they’d try to find something appropriate, given Donnie’s experience and ability, but they already have a whole bunch of doorstops.
Roger Stone is certainly enjoying life without consequences, spitting a slur at a Black radio host during an interview, then immediately denying he’d done so, going through the full life cycle of the playground bully in just a few short minutes.
As expected, we’re seeing a lot of authoritarian lashing out from Tangerine Idi Amin during the “cornered rat” phase of his presidency, and I have to admit it’s not awesome. Allegedly he has interpreted the recent Supreme Court ruling on DACA to mean he has limitless powers to impose policy without Congress, the sort of basic misinterpretation of the Constitution that would get you held back in seventh grade, but of course the last three years have shown us the kind of damage he can inflict before the courts can stop him. The lame duck weeks are gonna be so great, when he tries to punish us all for rejecting him and sending him to military school why don’t you love me Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are so very very fucked.
He wasted little time taking his new Turns Out I’m God theory of presidential power out for a spin, ordering the exclusion of undocumented immigrants from the numbers used to draw new congressional districts after the census, which would be an enormous, disgusting boon to the institutional white supremacy that’s already saddled us with McConnell’s Tyranny of the Dirtbag Minority Senate, so fuck this racist power grab with something particularly jagged.
Everyone’s been so delighted with the magnificent spite the NeverTrumpers at the Lincoln Project have been spreading around the internet, I don’t have the heart to wake them from their dream of de-batshitifying the GOP in the A.D.* years, but...it ain’t happening, kids. This is not a cult looking to be deprogrammed. Shit, Allen West has just been elected chair of the Texas Republican Party. If your essays are at these gatherings at all, Bill Kristol, it’s only to get the bonfire for the book burning started. Sorry, bro.
People Magazine’s Sexiest Brain Alive Dr. Anthony Fauci has been selected to throw out the first pitch of the Washington Nationals’ pandemic-shortened season, something Cult45’s Crotchrash God has always been too terrified to do, since his puny arms wouldn’t be able to lob a baseball six fucking feet, not that his ineffectual baby hands could even grasp the thing in the first place. This is A+ trolling by the Nats, a great election-season reminder that the incumbent president is more pathetic than any character on Steve Buscemi’s resume.
Some skeevy Trump fan named Roy Den Hollander tried to murder a Latina judge he was obsessed with, wounding her husband and killing her son, because he was a racist “men’s rights activist” terrorist creep. I say “was,” because naturally, Hollander wasn’t man enough to face the consequences of his actions; he killed himself, so we should definitely approach his mewling loser manifestos on male superiority with scholarly rigor, I’m sure he has so much to teach us.
I believe in ongoing education, and today I learned the name of the Republican Speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives! It’s Larry Householder, and suddenly LOTS of people know who he is, on account of how he got arrested for (allegedly) participating in a $60 million bribery scheme. The Republican Party is basically an organized crime ring that earns voter support by shrieking about the War on Xmas, and you almost have to tip your cap to such a well-executed scam.
Meanwhile Smilin’ Joe Biden popped up to remind Vladimir Putin that his lease at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is just about up, and will not be renewed, by the way good luck getting your deposit back, asshole. Sure was refreshing to see a potential president take sides against the nation’s enemies for a change.
The feral assclowns of the Freedumb Caucus are hungrily circling Liz Cheney, who has betrayed the Emperor of Shitmaggots by (checks notes) urging folks to listen to science and Dr. Fauci rather than the What You Should Drink Is Bleach guy. If you’re going to fight amongst yourselves, children, at least let us watch.
And Melting Crisco Slab Ted Yoho, no doubt frustrated by the general uselessness and unimpressiveness of his pathetic life, lashed out vulgarly at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, because FAMILY VALUES, right? Ted. Teddy. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez is your colleague, your equal, and that alone should command your respect were you not a walking lump of shit, but in all the ways that matter, she’s observably your superior. You’re slinking away after an entirely undistinguished career as one of the Koch brothers’ interchangeable puppets, because you don’t have the skill or the attention span to handle serving in the minority, shut your dumbfuck mouth and just go back to your office to start packing.
I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus has blown almost a billion dollars so far, with nothing to show for it beyond a rapidly-fading view of Joe Biden’s septuagenarian backside. If it’s any consolation, Dotard, you can always phone up Mike Bloomberg to commiserate; heck, you two could start a little support group.
And President Gas Station Urinal Cake brought back his precious coronavirus briefings today. He was reasonably well-behaved...for him, I suppose, (this is the sort of thought one has about an ill-trained dog, but here we are) though he did wish notorious sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell well, because...fuck, I dunno, maybe some witch placed a curse on him where he’s incapable of opening his mouth without belching up the most indecent imaginable bile? I got nothin’ here. Fuck.
Welp, I’m sure I missed shit tonight, but that’s about as much as I can fucking take. If anybody needs me, I’m gonna grab a six pack of something and stumble around muttering BUT HER EMAILS to myself.
*After Dotard
This Week in Hell: Oh, Everything's Basically Fine. I Could Nitpick, I Guess. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
The news sure is somethin’ these days. It’s been kind of interesting to discover that the worst people in the world are also the stupidest. It probably would’ve been more desirable to uncover that little nugget in a game of Scrabble, rather than by giving them earth-shaking political power, but I suppose that ship has sailed.
(Say wouldn’t it be neat if you could get this blog with news links? Oh shit: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-oh-everythings-basically-fine-i-could-nitpick-i-guess/)
The Marmalade Shartcannon’s war on Dr. Fauci is going about as well as his war on the coronavirus, and that’s good news for Fauci, anyway. It’s certainly reassuring to see such an open assault on science and expertise backfire so quickly and decisively, and as an added bonus, young Peter Navarro has been given an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson about the loyalty one can expect when one debases oneself for Donald Trump’s benefit. And if he doesn’t learn it, well, that’s okay, too.
Terrible news, Resisters. Despite our once-total domination over the deep state, Detective Dotard has somehow uncovered our insidious plot...to destroy the suburbs! I know you’re particularly disappointed, Dale, since you were the head of the task force in charge of destroying all the overly-manicured median gardens, but don’t worry, we shall transition seamlessly into the latest phase of Operation: Jade Helm, in which we Jade Helm the living shit out of all the windows, they’ll never that one coming. Wait, what? GODDAMMIT!
I get a kick out of hearing about all the new things us satanic leftists want to abolish. The suburbs. Kittens. Warm chocolate chip cookies. Watch out, Real Americans, we’re gonna abolish the pocket on just the left side of your pants. You’re gonna reach for your keys, and there won’t be any pocket there. You’re gonna goose yourself. It’ll be real gross and embarrassing, but also kinda sexy, and you’re gonna feel bad about that in church.
Freshman Kansas GOP Congressjag(for now) Steve Watkins is already shitting the bed at the cushy government job his daddy bought for him, earning three felony charges for the sort of voter fraud his party claims is rampant in the electorate at large, but which only seems to be actually committed by Republican officials. See, Stevie Boy got caught using a UPS store as his home address to vote, and these conservative young guns just keep on turnin’ out to be felons, I wonder what’s up with that?
Anyway, I know he’s a bit behind, but I’m optimistic the President will finally, finally get to work on the pandemic, just as soon as he’s done shilling beans behind the Resolute desk like a back-up outfielder doing a local used car dealership spot. Now, you’re probably mad at your commander in chief for caring more about a can of beans than the tens of thousands of Americans dead from his bungling negligence, but you have to understand, the CEO of the bean company handjobbed his ego for a bit, while you whiners with your “please stop killing us” bullshit keep cutting into his golf time.
As evidenced by the catastrophic non-response to the coronavirus outbreak, the Treasonweasel Administration just plain doesn’t like working, even when it’s really important (and we should’ve learned that lesson after Hurricane Maria), but what do they do with their time? Why, settle political scores, of course! Anyway it’s totally strange and unexpected that the gang of malicious trolls who felt the need to fabricate smears against Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman in order to derail his career wound up botching a global crisis; I guess petty vindictiveness isn’t really a useful skill in this situation. I guess it really isn’t a skill at all, and yet it’s all anyone in the White House has to offer.
Speaking of the wad of seething malice men call the Republican Party, Oklahoma’s Kevin Stitt became the first governor to catch the ‘rona, a truly inexplicable coincidence after his maskless appearance at Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s What if You Threw a Nuremberg Rally in Tulsa and Nobody Came shindig. I bet being a footnote at one of modern political history’s most humiliating failures was totally worth risking your life for, Kev. Anyhow, real nice job on that governor, Oklahoma, his brain very nearly functions.
It’s seems there are only so many tens of millions of dollars you can grift off the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus before they notice the septuagenarian former Vice President effortlessly running laps around you, tauntingly drinking water with just one hand and waving the latest polls in the other. What I’m trying to say is young Bradward Parscale finally got shitcanned, or reassigned anyway, but he’ll keep drawing a fat Cult45-funded salary because his dirtbag boss is pathologically incapable of admitting error.
Anyhow, the new guy, Bridgegate alum Bill Stepien, is already deploying the reality-denying Pay No Attention to the Hole From That Iceberg I Assure You We Are Winning So Very Hard technique that’s been so successful against the coronavirus. Under most circumstances I’d say it’s unforgivable to work for President Crotchrot in any capacity, but I’m willing to look the other way when it comes to stooges who instill false confidence.
And of course Trumpist Republicans still don’t want people to wear masks, which I think is a little bit weird, since mask-wearing is the best tool we have available to us to contain the pandemic that’s kidney-punched our lives and curb-stomped our economy, and especially since strapping a small piece of fabric to your face from time to time is the tiniest imaginable ask for such an enormous benefit, but we live in challenging times.
Dr. Ronny Jackson, who parlayed the celebrity borne of lying about Sharty McFly’s weight into a victory in the Republican primary in Texas’ 13th district and therefore likely a career in the United States Congress (despite having been deemed too toxically unqualified for a cabinet post even in this hopelessly corrupt, standards-challenged administration) became the latest prominent Republican to proclaim science to be “for cucks,” insisting it’s a “personal choice” whether you want to enable the spread of a deadly disease or not, and you’re certainly free to vote for this party; I just think you should understand in advance that they’re actively trying to kill you.
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp disagrees with Dr. Ronny; there’s no personal choice here, in fact the state must intervene on behalf of the fucking virus. Who are we to obstruct COVID-19’s freedom, after all? And if any of his state’s mayors should betray this sacred principle, and attempt to protect and preserve the lives of their constituents, well, then by the ghost of George Wallace, they shall be stopped!
Yes, Kemp can think of no better use for his purloined power than to overrule Georgia municipalities’ mask mandates, going so far as to sue Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms to prevent her from acting in the interest of public health. See, it’s not bad enough that the GOP has devolved into a gibbering death cult; they insist upon conscripting the rest of us into their suicidal congregation, willing or not.
And Wee Donnie Two-Scoops staged a sad little presentation that would’ve earned me a C- in Mrs. Wimmer’s speech class back in high school, complete with cheaply-made visual aids (Trump-branded, no doubt) designed to communicate the oppressive weight of the regulations Joe “Guy Who Loves Regulations, I Guess” Biden plans to inflict upon the economy. It’s sort of adorable that these clowns imagine they can change the subject right now, like America might go, “yeah, not having a job sucks, and I certainly don’t love that literally everything is dangerous now, but come to think of it, my dishwasher IS kinda wussy.”
Honestly, Hairplug Himmler knows he can’t defeat Joe Biden, and he’s pulling his hair out trying to craft some demonic Mirror Universe Biden in the public imagination. (Well, he would be, if his hands weren’t so small and weak.) The idea seems to be that the minute Joe takes the oath of office, he’s gonna peel off his face and reveal he was Bernie Sanders this whole time, nay, a Giant Ninja Cyborg Mega-Bernie, ravaging the suburbs in order to steal white folks’ water pressure and give it to Those People, a modern day diversity-crazed Robin Hood...of water pressure.
Anyway, it's not going well for him, thank God, and he even ran face-first into a fact-checking buzzsaw in the friendly confines of Fux Nooz, which was actually one helluva thing to see.
What else is going on? Oh, your federal government seems to be test-driving a violent police state crackdown operation in Portland, Oregon, that’s fun. Unidentified federal law enforcement officers abducting protesters into unmarked vehicles, detaining them unconstitutionally? SO fun! Grab a sno cone and watch the shittiest people alive set fire to American democracy, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Yeah, even though they’ve been asked to leave by state and local officials, there’s a heavily-armed military force accountable only to the floundering fascists in Washington, playfully testing the limits of just how much atrocity America will allow, like velociraptors, only less adorable and, tragically, real.
Fuck. I know we wanted to believe Government Cheese Goebbels learned his lesson after the ferocious and damn near universal backlash to his little stunt in Lafayette Square, but OH RIGHT he’s incapable of learning, how fucking silly of us.
Acting DHS Secretary Chad Wolf is clearly having the time of his life, unleashing state violence on Americans exercising their constitutional rights, gleefully tweeting “this shit is better than Viagra!” before taking another hit of nitrous oxide, Little Shop of Horrors-style. Wolf justifies his actions, the most anti-American behavior by a U.S. cabinet secretary since Kirstjen Nielsen and her Kiddie Koncentration Kamps, by insisting there was a lot of graffiti. GRAFFITI. America, you get the Gestapo in the streets over Kilroy Was Here now, got that?
Look, we all know the protests have largely been peaceful, but the faltering, fart-huffing, fascist incumbent has decided he wants to run against rampaging antifa hordes, so if he has to jazz reality up a little bit to get the footage he’s looking for, well, that’s show biz, people!
I guess when you decide to go full fascist, loyalty tests are the next logical step. Anyway, that’s what your federal government is doing, probing numerous officials’ fealty to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, obviously an excellent use of time and resources during this, a period in which the United States faces no serious crises, and certainly not three at once.
I see the Pentagon banned the Confederate flag on military property and that news is certainly awesome, if a teensy bit overdue, but speaking on behalf of a nation sinking in quicksand, we’d have vastly preferred a rope.
Mary Trump is making the rounds promoting her new book, and she says Unca Donald is mean, stupid, crazy and racist. Hope you were sitting down when you read that.
And now the Shart House is blocking CDC officials from testifying before Congressional hearings about safely reopening schools. It’s for the best, honestly. I mean, if there’s one time you don’t want to hear from snooty expert types, it’s when your children’s safety is at risk, right? I think we should just leave it to Betsy DeVos, she seems to have a healthy respect for human life.
And it’s gotta be said, regarding schools...just like at every other stage of this pandemic, the Die Plebs Die Administration’s strategy has been “pretend reality isn’t reality.” It hasn’t worked yet, not once, because reality IS reality; that’s what it makes it reality. My point is, it won’t work this time either, OBVIOUSLY, so what, precisely, is the fucking plan for the inevitable consequences of forcing the nation’s children into death pits? When the plan is 100% doomed to failure, you should be forced to show your follow-up plan to deal with your murderous mess, you genocidal clods.
And yeah, Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s cancer is back. It’s been that kinda week, folks. And I’m not gonna lie to y’all, it’s been fuckin’ GETTING TO ME lately. But y’know what? What RBG’s staring down is much, much bigger and harder than anything on my plate, so I figure I owe it to her to solider on.
109 days, Resisters. I can almost smell the bloody nose I’ll get from intercepting a champagne cork with my face on election night. Shit's worse than it was last week, and it’s gonna get even worse next week, but there’s a pinprick on the horizon that I’m pretty fucking sure is the light at the end of the tunnel; it’s vaguely Joe-Biden-shaped, so look out, Malarkey, thy reign is near its end.
Congratulations On Surviving Another Week When Your Government is Trying So Hard to Kill You(Ferret)
I dunno how much more of this I can take, Resisters. I keep buying calendars and tearing off all the pages between now and next January, hoping I can trick time into letting me skip ahead because the only thing I want from life anymore is one week where I don’t have to look at the news, not even once. This is not that week.
(As always, you can find this post, in living color and with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/congratulations-dear-reader-on-surviving-another-week-when-your-government-is-trying-so-hard-to-kill-you/)
Well, the United States continues digging its ever-deepening hole, as we dementedly seek the Gem of Ultimate COVID Madness which Jules Verne theorized is waiting for us at the center of the Earth. While it would be nice to get out of this hole at some point, the federal government won’t give us any tools except shovels made of crystallized stupidity, which I’m told a company owned by Steve Mnuchin invested in heavily.
You touch the stove, you burn your hand, you stop touching the stove; that’s how it’s supposed to work. American culture burns the left hand, burns the right hand, burns both feet, and still bombastically demands the “freedom” to sit bare-assed on the stove. American culture is already fantasizing about teabagging the stove tomorrow; that’ll own the libs for sure.
And nowhere in America do the fires of freedumb burn any brighter (duller?) than in Florida. Ron DeSantis’ Sid-and-Marty-Krofft-esque COVID playground announced 15,300 new cases in just one day, more than even New York saw when shit was looking positively apocalyptic, only Ron-Ron had every opportunity to learn from NY’s mistakes, and instead decided “nah, I’d really rather get a bunch of my constituents killed in order to follow the obviously terrible example set by the deranged head of my party, a visibly-deteriorating nitwit literally everyone understands to be dangerously wrong on this crucial issue.”
Considering this batshit state of affairs in Florida, as well as other GOP-led states/hot zones like Texas and Arizona, I would like to humbly suggest that you vote Democrat this November...if you want to live.
We learned that back in 2017, when we should have impeached and removed Tangerine Idi Amin for his genocidal neglect of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, the blithering dolt actually proposed selling the island rather than dealing with the hassle of doing anything to help all those pesky non-white American citizens suffering there. Y’know, if you were to take this extremely emblematic mashup of casual bigotry and criminal laziness and dip it in some shitty white chocolate, you’d have yourself an official Trump-branded candy bar.
I trust everyone is enjoying this super-fun, hyper-normal debate we’re having in America right now, over how many children (and teachers) should be required to die for Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. Friends, we are as fucked as we’ve ever been, trapped in here as we are with this madman who would happily see us all dead if it meant keeping out of prison. And he can’t run for re-election on his record, because his record is a historic disaster, (dare I even say, in my best David Attenborough voice, an historic disaster) and so we’re left dealing with this insane EVERYTHING’S NORMAL WOULD YOU KINDLY JUMP IN THE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS gambit, and of course it wouldn’t be such a big deal except for the tens of millions of brainwashed idiots who will do whatever the fuck he tells them to, and the fact that they can carry the sharks home to eat grandma and grandpa. We’re FUCKED, is my point.
And of course Betsy DeVos stands, bloody and cackling amidst the carnage, delighted to finally have a chance to not just torment peasant children, but end their lives. Let’s just say I have some suspicions that her Build Schools Out of Delicious Gingerbread initiative truly has our kids’ best interests at heart. Meanwhile, Louisiana Senator/Faux Fun Uncle John Kennedy invites any wussy cuck libtards who think children’s lives matter more than the failed, fascist GOP’s immediate electoral future to kiss his ass. Teachers are writing motherfucking WILLS, and Republican officials are buying popcorn at the concession stand, waiting to cheer along as they die.
Tucker Carlson came off about as believable as Bob Balaban playing Dirty Harry in his Whoops I Hired a White Supremacist Lead Writer Oh Well Gonna Go Trout Fishing non-apology, which was really more of a lament for the poor white supremacist boy who lost his job and aren’t the real villains the reporters who exposed the most shittily-kept secret in cable news? Bro, WE KNOW. You hired a white supremacist to write white supremacist shit because what you do for a living is say white supremacist shit to the delight of white supremacists. There is not one human being who knows your work who does not understand this. We do these weird little ritual dances where everyone pretends to be shocked and you go trout fishing and then you come back and start belching up white supremacist bile again, but we all understand what’s going on. Let’s dispense with the theatre; we’d all save so much TIME.
Anyway, I don’t want to move on without pointing out that Liar Tuck’s now ex-hatescribe, Blake Neff, is of course one of those cartoonishly schlubby nazi nerds who radiates so much mediocrity that you can’t help but giggle when they claim racial superiority. Kid, you look like the product of artificial insemination using semen scrapped off the urinal in a meth lab and an ovum from a pot-bellied pig; you are a walking billboard blaring that yours cannot possibly be the master race, for it contains you.
Well, eleventy-five weeks into the coronavirus crisis, the Turdmaggot Administration is finally ramping up the campaign...against Dr. Anthony Fauci. Y’see, President Crotchvoid is jealous that Fauci’s approval numbers are better than his (and I haven’t looked into the crosstabs or anything, but I suspect this has something to do with one dude actively facilitating the senseless deaths of tens of thousands, and the other dude trying to stop that shit, but it may ultimately just be a beauty contest) and therefore our leading epidemiologist must be undermined, causing further distrust in science, blah blah blah trickling down to MORE DEAD AMERICANS. Got that? Don-Don jealous of Science Man, therefore MORE DEAD AMERICANS. Electing a narcissist was a mistake.
While the executive branch of the United States government works to destroy their own expert’s credibility, one voice Doctor Dotard is amplifying is fellow mentally-disintegrating game show host Chuck Woolery, one of those z-list celebrities that redpilled himself into intellectual oblivion and now shares a brain with James Woods. I bring this up in case you’re wondering what your president does with the time he isn’t using to read his daily briefings or end the crisis that’s had you locked in your home since what feels like prehistory.
Chief of Staff Mark Meadows might get around to doing something about the pandemic someday, but he’s a little busy right now setting sub-Encyclopedia-Brown-level traps in his pathetically futile effort to uncover the leakers that’ve been keeping America informed about all the lethal hijinks and deadly fuck-ups going down on the RMS Shartanic. Your mom must be proud, Mark.
Now, as a person who likely wants to see schools reopen and sporting events return, and who also wants to, y’know, SURVIVE TILL NEXT YEAR, these priorities are probably rather upsetting to you, but if you really expected Sharty McFly to care more about 140,00 dead Americans than the ego laceration that comes from millions of people learning what a Bunker Bitch he is, you apparently haven’t even glanced at the news in four years, and can I say I deeply fucking envy that.
So, a gun industry lobbyist that successfully burrowed his way into the Hell Yes We’re For Sale...Cheap! Administration finally got a ban on selling silencers to private buyers abroad overturned, a move the military says threatens our troops’ safety, but I think recent headlines have proven that’s hardly a dealbreaker for our treacherous Commander in Chief. Might as well make a tidy profit selling equipment to the assassins collecting those Russian bounties, right?
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo is rattling a cheap plastic toy saber, likely from a small child’s Halloween costume, a pirate or something, at China, and one has to wonder, does he really believe America is feared and respected under the leadership of a world-renowned clod? Or is he leaning into the God Knows What the Dangerous Idiot Will Do If You Make Him Mad strategy, basically the North Korea model only with a superpower’s arsenal? Or, most likely, is he simply trying to generate a little buzz for Wee Don’s lame new “China Joe” nickname? Can’t wait for the grown-ups to take over State again, can you?
Obviously exhausted from the all the golf and murder, to say nothing of the polls showing his sweet, sweet legal immunity is rapidly running out, and stripped of his precious rallies, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet is a shadow of his former self, half-heartedly attempting to compare his Monthslong Coronavirus Fuckup Spectacular to the Obama/Biden H1N1 response, and whatever. At this point your shrinking rube army is so brainwashed and beaten down you may as well rub their faces in your ability to define their reality. In about three weeks, that paste-eating kid from third grade is gonna start screaming on your Facebook wall about how Joe Biden is a centaur who non-consensually fucks 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supremes, and he’s going to mean it with every fiber of his being.
Princess Ivanka decided now was an appropriate moment to taunt the millions thrown into unemployment by her father’s homicidal blundering, encouraging America’s exhausted, terrified workforce to Try Something New!™️ See, this depression-level job market is actually a fun opportunity to eat/pray/love your way to a thrilling n’ fulfilling new career! Like, maybe if you’re bored with stealing shoe designs and leveraging Daddy’s government job into Chinese trademarks, he’ll let you play cabinet secretary for awhile! It’ll be LIT, kids!
The attempt to use the pandemic as an excuse to develop arbitrary new excuses to deport international students blew up in Team Klanrunt’s face, like so many of their efforts, because they are as incompetent as they are hateful, which is to say very incompetent indeed. Ah well. I’m sure Stephen Miller’s Secret Santa will come up with something else. Say, that spray-on hair a few years back went over GREAT.
Ummmmmmmm what else is going on here in Hell? Should we check in on any dangling subplots? President Gas Station Urinal Cake is still doing all he can to destroy the United States Postal Service, of course. Yes, he’s trying to murder our institutions in addition to killing us one by one with the coronavirus; it’s a surprisingly sophisticated operation for a doddering old man who can’t even pick out pants that fit; I suspect Uncle Vlad is giving him pointers*.
And now the Seriously Why Aren’t You Plebs Dead Yet Administration has ordered hospitals to skip over those dorks at the CDC with their silly ol’ “science” and their silly ol’ “transparency,” and report COVID-19 data directly to a shredder in Mike Pants’ office, and golly, if we were being governed by incompetent goons desperate to conceal the scope of their disastrous failures from the public, we’d really be in trouble right now, but luckily WELL SHIT.
Squeezably Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is back in the federal government, because when a rampaging autocrat learns he has fully domesticated one of America’s once-great political parties to the extent that they’ll let him get away with deploying the U.S. military against peaceful protesters, what’s one unqualified Hungarian Nazi more or less?
Oh, I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus has been recruiting campaign volunteers in the extremely-non-politically-correct exploitation film asylums of QAnon! I guess with the nasties over at the Lincoln Project scooping up all the recent Republicans with residual guilt/patriotism/decency, it’s tough to find door-knockers, huh?
And now you’re telling me they found a squirrel carrying bubonic plague in Colorado? Okay, okay, I get it...you guys can come out from behind the curtains now, these last few years have all been an elaborate prank on me personally, and everybody’s about to peel off their Mission Impossible masks, break down the set, and explain how you trapped me in this bizarre, epic, Truman Show experiment, right...fucking RIGHT?
Fuckin’ PLAGUE SQUIRRELS. Fuck you, The News, you jumped the shark with the murder hornets, I’m done with this show. Just as soon as I figure out how to make the clicker change the channel outside my window. Until then, I guess I’ll keep drinking. Sigh. Stay safe out there, friends.
*Or, y’know...orders.
This Week in Hell: Somehow, It Got Worse. It Always Does. I Don't Understand How, But It Does.(F/SC)
Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that we’re in “oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so we’re stuck with this shit until they’re dragged, biting and clawing, from the White House“ territory, I’ve taken the precaution of having my entire apartment padded for my safety. While I test out my new straightjacket, let’s do the news...
(And yes, this post can be found, in living color, with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-somehow-it-got-worse-it-always-does-i-dont-understand-how-but-it-does/)
Welp, Tangerine Idi Amin believes he’s stumbled onto the secret to re-election and that secret is DEAD CHILDREN. Even as his bullheaded insistence on “reopening the economy” has led to massive COVID outbreaks, particularly in states run by sycophantic know-nothing Republican governors, he’s somehow convinced himself that his months of deadly dithering and lethal incompetence will be forgiven, and he’ll be borne as a god by a grateful public, if he can only trick schools into believing everything is safe and good and normal so they’ll open next month.
The plan here seems to center around screeching, “Democrats want to keep schools closed for political purposes, while only I, possibly the single dumbest person in human history, care about education,” but of course the easily discernible reality is more along the lines of, “I view your children’s lives as completely expendable in my demented quest to falsely project normalcy, and Democrats are your only hope of stopping my murderous madness, which has reached biblical levels.”
See, we aren’t anywhere close to meeting the guidelines Sharty McFly’s own CDC has set for safe school reopenings, so naturally the solution is to simply make up some new guidelines, because science and reality bow to political pressure all the time; who can forget that one summer when we all signed that petition that changed the freezing point of water?
Just to be extra sinister/politically suicidal, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk even threatened to cut funding to any schools that refused to convert their classrooms into modern day Roman Coliseums, only with coronavirus instead of lions. Now, setting aside the fact that he lacks the power to follow through on this threat, let us once again take note that his first impulse is, as always, “I’m not getting my way, and therefore millions must suffer,” a motivation I always found rather difficult to believe in comic book/action film villains, but holy balls of pure fuck do I ever understand that shit now.
Anyway, welcome to the point in American history when the President of the United States lied about a major public health risk to CHILDREN in a deranged attempt to preserve his own political prospects. When he adopted a re-election strategy contingent on a willful, unnecessary increase in CHILD DEATHS. Shit, I expect he’ll even market Trump branded, child-sized coffins, with the Confederate flag printed right on the lid. Those of you aspiring to someday write history textbooks: for the love of God, please remember to include this shit.
While we’re on the coronavirus front, you’ll be pleased to learn your “wartime president” has indeed declared war...on Dr. Anthony Fauci! “He's made a lot of mistakes,” says the monstrous nitwit with the blood of 136,000 Americans on his (freakishly small) hands, of the nation’s leading epidemiologist, and like, WOW for daring to point that particular (tiny, inadequate) finger. Old man, the fruits of your recent “mistakes” are all around us, they’re measured in jobs lost, lives wrecked, and, oh yeah, TOMBSTONES.
Anyway, word is he’s not even talking to Fauci now. Gosh, Donnie, I bet these playground tactics totally work; I bet if you tell the coronavirus it can’t sit at your table in the lunchroom, it’ll beg its mom to transfer to another school, all your fucking problems will vanish in a puff of narcissistic fantasy, and you’ll cruise to re-election.
Lawmakers down in Mississippi were far too virile and manly to wear any sissy-ass face masks, and the coronavirus responded to their uncontainable machismo by infecting a whole bunch of them with COVID-19 because, and I’ll say this slowly since it doesn’t seem to be sinking in with some of y’all, IT IS A VIRUS AND YOU CANNOT TRICK IT THE WAY YOU TRICK CHUCK TODD. You can’t bothsides a disease, campers. Yes, that will be on the test.
In the rarest of victories for an administration that has become synonymous with catastrophic, humiliating failure, the Turd Reich successfully bullied Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman into retiring from the Army, by interfering with his well-earned promotion. Vindman is a tested, proven hero and patriot, and ordinarily these are traits you’d think a nation would value in their military officers, but it turns out standards are a wee bit different when you put treacherous grifters in charge, and so this president's crimes have cost the nation the service of another good man. So yes, a “victory” for Team Treasonweasel, but another tragic setback for the United States of America, kinda nutty how that sort of shit keeps happening, huh?
Well, the Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, looked the gift horse of his rich white dude privilege square in the mouth, and now he is back in prison, let us point at him and laugh. Having been undeservedly released to home confinement on account of the pandemic while untold thousands of poor, non-white folks remained locked inside COVID farms for non-violent drug offenses, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo violated the terms of his release at a fancy restaurant, and refused to abide by a gag order, which feels pretty cocky for a confessed felon. Anyway, do Paul Manafort next.
Like my Daddy always said, never bring a supbar white supremacist douchebag to a war hero fight. Ok, my father never actually said that, but if Tucker Carlson ever recovers from the butt-whoopin’ he’s received this week, it’s surely a lesson he’ll pass down to his drooling, mediocre spawn. Liar Tuck has been lashing out at his betters more and more as his Turd Emperor’s re-election chances have plummeted, and lately he’s been fixated on my own Junior Senator, Tammy Duckworth, presumably because he wanted to know what it feels like to have a titanium boot up his lackluster ass. Heh. Wonder no more, fuck-o.
The Supreme Court rejected Hairplug Himmler’s But I Do So Wish to Be Above the Law; It’s Ever So Much Easier to Commit Crimes That Way argument, and ruled he does indeed have to turn his financial records over to New York prosecutors, and I guess it’s cool that there’s a 7-2 SCOTUS majority that agrees “well yeah, the rule of law exists,” but also HOLY SHIT Alito n’ Thomas, the fuck’re you two smoking?
And yes, many have pointed out that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops has essentially successfully run out the clock here in terms of hiding his finances from the electorate, and that’s both true and a goddamn shame, but hey, it’s still pretty fucking funny watching a rage-blind Lou Dobbs rant that Gorsuch and Kavanaugh are part of the Deep State now.
I guess when you’re on one of history’s all-time greatest losing streaks, you have to celebrate your tiny triumphs wherever you find ‘em, but I for one would appreciate it if President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would stop bragging about “acing” his basic cognitive test over at Walter Reed. It’s embarrassing, bro. Wait, what’s that? You say he’s even boasted the doctors were “very surprised” his brain actually works? Good lord. Find your stamp collection right now, I guarantee you all the dead presidents are blushing.
After weeks of pointlessly transforming an extremely simple, low-sacrifice gesture into a culture war controversy, at the cost of countless lives, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot finally agreed to be filmed wearing a goddamn mask during his upcoming visit to the above-mentioned Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. While I’m glad he’s finally doing it, and I certainly hope it’s not too late to get the frothy hordes of Cult45 to change their virus-spreading ways, what do you tell the thousands who died for nothing more important than one egomaniac’s vanity? Grief seems inadequate; I can offer only rage, and links to Democratic campaigns.
Well, hydroxychloroquine still doesn’t work as a COVID-19 treatment, and Peter Navarro still has absolutely zero qualifications to make one fucking comment about anything remotely related to epidemiology (he’s an gibbering nitwit when it comes to trade, and that’s his life’s work), so naturally Navarro is out there pimping hydroxycloroquine again. It’s amazing the lengths these malicious clowns will go to, to avoid listening to science, particularly since listening to science is literally their only hope for political survival. They’ll try anything, ANYTHING...except the one thing that will work, which they have categorically ruled out, and holy fuck these idiots are in charge, because we live in Hell.
I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus cancelled a planned weekend rally in New Hampshire, citing concerns about Tropical Storm Tulsa Sure Was Embarrassing Wasn’t It, because weather reports show that while it will likely have stopped raining hours before the planned event, there was also only a very slight chance of People Dumb and Brainwashed Enough to Risk Their Lives to Watch a Deluded Old Man Yell About His Polling For an Hour.
Of course, the reluctance to sign up for the latest coronafest probably has something to do with the COVID surge Tulsa has seen in the aftermath of Weehands McNodick’s laughably-under-attended “rally” late last month. Congratulations, Dotard, you may not be much of a president, but you’re the Johnny Appleseed of Pestilence.
Late-breaking news reveals a prominent writer on Tucker Carlson’s staff resigned for being hellaciously racist, and I guess the “resigned” part is surprising. Fox will keep Carlson on the air, broadcasting his hateful filth, even though advertisers have almost entirely fled, because they like broadcasting his hateful filth, and they believe his hateful filth is something the country needs more of.
In even later-breaking news, President Crotchrot has, as expected, commuted What if Beetlejuice Was in Grumpy Old Men Cosplayer Roger Stone’s sentence, so yet another Trumpist felon has evaded justice. Once again, I say, let him wallow in his petty victory; this pardon power will be long gone when he wants it most, and that day has grown quite close indeed.
Ok, I’m gonna sneak off now before the late late late news breaks, probably about Putin buying America’s nuclear arsenal off the Dotard for a fistful of shiny beads. Fuck. I need a drink. Stay safe out there, Resisters...
Thirty Two Short Films About Confederate Monuments (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s for life” would pretty much cover the major headlines from any given day these last few weeks. Well, let’s dive in anyhow, who knows what fresh hells await us...
(Yes indeed, this post can be found, in living color, with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/thirty-two-short-films-about-confederate-monuments/)
This might seem like a weird question, but of my audience...how many of y’all are Confederate monuments? I only ask because the current sitting President’s re-election campaign seems to be laser-focused on your needs, and curiously uninterested in the affairs of the living (chump) humans who’re dying of COVID-19 by the tens of thousands.
Maybe we should start thinking strategically here. Maybe instead of tearing these statues down, we should USE them. Y’know, install a hidden speaker, hook it up to a recording that goes “I’m Nathan Bedford Forrest, and I think we should FUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD!” Make Doc Dotard’s latest delusional obsession work for us, see?
Facing the sort of polling that makes you hope, for Mark Meadows’ sake, that the West Wing stocked up on adult diapers before the pandemic hit, Tangerine Idi Amin spent Independence Day weekend skulking around the country, periodically delivering long, boring, hate-drenched teleprompter speeches about...fuck, I can’t pay attention when he drones on and on like that, about whatever fabricated horrors he wants his idiot base to fear and loathe this week. One of them was apparently at Mount Rushmore. Whatever.
As these speeches demonstrate, Stephen Miller’s ongoing attempts to be uplifting and inspiring are going about as well as you’d expect, considering his soul is made of chewed gum and the concentrated self-loathing of every subpar white dude in American history. You wouldn’t hire Seb Gorka to adapt Mr. Smith Goes to Washington into a musical, is all I’m saying.
Anyway, if America really is as shitty as the apocalyptic hellscape you’re so desperate to paint, why the FUCK would we re-elect the incompetent crotch sniffers who haven’t done anything about it after three years in power? AMERICAN CARNAGE PART DEUX: Still Completely Fucked, Better Hire Me to Golf Some More.
I see Son of Shart’s grifter girlfriend has acquired more cooties than even the first part of this sentence would imply, somehow catching the ‘rona despite brainlessly flaunting CDC recommendations and engaging in what’s widely understood to be high-risk behavior OH GOD HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN. Amazingly, neither this infection nor any of the others that’ve popped up around Team Turdworm’s stubbornly maskless events have caused any slight turn towards safer behavior, because the plan is still to trick people into forgetting about COVID by...catching COVID I guess; look, if you want things to make sense read a fucking novel.
Fuck Kanye West, not for “running for President,” which is he is absolutely not doing, but for tweeting that he was running for President, launching ten thousand of the dumbest think pieces in the history of the movement that’s slowly, steadily replacing journalism with hackery and hawt takes, oh surely you’re exaggerating Cap it’s not like a chronically mediocre inanity geyser like Chris Cillizza is one of the media’s highest-paid figures or anything OH WAIT.
I see Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn celebrated his successful perversion of the American justice system by pledging allegiance to the dangerous, y’all-don’t-even-VISIT-reality-anymore-do-ya? QAnon movement, which is...I mean, we get some pretty zany news ‘round these parts, but let’s back up for a minute and acknowledge how insane this is. Dude was the NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR. Maybe the biggest scandal in a life that’s basically a scandal sandwich using two slices of scandal for bread is that a drooling maniac like this was ever entrusted with any classified intelligence at all, let alone hired by a know-nothing novice to run the entire national security apparatus for him. Holy fuckballs.
Alas, we have been thwarted by the clever propagandists at Fux Nooz yet again, comrades! In cropping the leering image of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops out of a photograph with Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, they have forever destroyed any connection between the world’s two most famous sexual abusers in the public mind! These masters of disinformation certainly didn’t draw exponentially more attention to the Trump-Epstein connection with their clumsy stunt, and now the truth is fore’er lost. Leaving Melania in the picture was a particular stroke of genius, because...um...becaaaauuuuuuuuse LOOK, A SQUIRREL! (scampers away.)
Hey, if Shart Garfunkel can change the subject by talking about flags and statues, so can I.
Seriously, tracking Gameshow Goebbels’ words and actions, you’d never know there was a pandemic, or a massive nationwide movement against institutional racism and police violence, or an economic crisis featuring unemployment numbers unseen since the Great Depression; no, you could be forgiven for thinking there just isn’t much on America’s mind these days beyond a Capra-esque nostalgia for treasonous losers and the emblems that commemorate them.
Which would explain why the Adderall-Addled Assclown is spending his time attacking NASCAR from the right on the Confederate Flag. Now, I knew I’d write some weird shit when I started this blog, but that last sentence is melting my damn brain.
Anyhoo, the idea seems to be that voters will forget about the fact that they can’t go to a movie or a restaurant without risking their lives and instead percolate in rage that folks're tearing down monuments to a defeated army that waged war on the United States. Now, this is the fruit of very same brain that installed Ben Carson at HUD, so we’re actually seeing a fairly consistent level of problem-solving prowess here.
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem certainly seems happy to sing from whatever hymnal her Turd Emperor drops in front of her, dutifully bellowing some tortured horseshit about how taking down these statues somehow “discredits” the nation’s “founding principles,” apparently in some Super Secret Extra-Discredit-y Way that’s even worse than (checks notes) treasonously taking up arms against the nation and its principles, and ultimately getting your ass absolutely fucking BEAT.
Still, let it not be said that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s reality-challenged messaging isn’t trickling down to the freedumb-crazed mob; how else do you explain the doofus militia that showed up to an obviously phony flag-burning jamboree at Gettysburg, ready to do battle with the Still Fictitious Antifa Hordes That Never Show Up Because They Don’t Exist. Folks, if it ever does come to civil war, I feel like we’ll be able to take care of these guys with a couple of phony Facebook groups and one cartoonishly large sheet of flypaper.
Moving on, the...oh good gravy, another one? Apologies for the repetitiveness of tonight’s post, but I guess we’re not quite done talking about statues yet. The Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus sent out a fundraising email vowing to protect the famous Cristo Redentor statue...in Brazil, which is where it...y’know, IS. Antifa was totally gonna fuck that shit up on our big spring break trip, and when I find out who leaked this, you’re officially uninvited to Operation: Jade Helm 2, when we’re gonna break into Mark and Patricia McCloskey’s house and rub our genitals all over every inch of the place.
I see the ICEstapo have seized upon the coronavirus crisis to further their state-sponsored terror campaign, threatening to deport any international students whose universities switch to online-only classes. It’s fucking White Nationalist Calvinball with these creeps, next week it’ll be “you’re gone if your favorite Ninja Turtle is Raphael.”
Well, we’re finally getting a little transparency on the PPP loans, aka the slop trough the Eat Shit Plebs Administration set out for their plutocrat chums, and it looks like all the leading hogs got their fill; the Daily Caller, various associates of the Kushner family and other powerful Republicrooks, even principled opponents of government handouts like Grover Norquist, and, tee fucking hee, the Ayn Rand Institute. Hey, if anybody out there still imagines conservatives hold any beliefs beyond seizing power for its own sake, I’d give you a hug, but it’s not safe.
Brazilian President’s Jair Bolsanaro’s campaign to intimidate COVID-19 into submission with dumbfuck braggadocio has been going pretty fucking badly for his constituents so far, and now he’s caught the little fucker himself. Good. Hope it really fucking sucks, Jair. Hope your dick falls right off. (I’m not a doctor, is that a symptom? It should be, if only in this one case.) It’s tempting to believe the virus targeted Bolsanaro to punish him for his reckless arrogance, but the truth is, it’s just a virus doing virus things, merrily leaping to any available host too stupid/macho to wear a fucking mask.
Days after the Russian bounties scandal broke, the Velveeta Vulgarian is finally furious...that the public learned about it! Yes, the hunt is on for the patriots who leaked word of the President’s treachery to the American people, but of course we can’t interrupt the weekly golf vacations long enough to get a quick “Hey Vlad, stop paying terrorists to murder our troops” out of the doddering old buttpimple.
Well, the early snippets from Mary Trump’s book have arrived, and the new stories all seem very in-character for the narcissistic rage beast who has been vomiting poison into all our minds these last four years. Paid somebody to take his SATs for him? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honestly I’d be more surprised to learn he ever accomplished anything on his own. Think about it, what little shit he actually does for himself these days...tying his necktie, speaking English, drinking water...he’s not any good at anything, is he?
Georgia Senator/Pandemic Profiteer Kelly Loeffler, who co-owns the WNBA’s Atlanta Dream, (apparently as a sort of hobby, to help her unwind from all the insider trading and white-supremacy-preserving work she does at her day job) tried to talk the league into backtracking on their decision to allow players to wear warm-up jerseys with the phrase “Black Lives Matter,” because she’s got a tough primary coming up against mouth-breathing wingnut Doug Collins, and golly, won’t watching those two human skidmarks try to out-racist one another be a show? Barf.
And I see the Shart Administration’s withdrawal of the US from the World Health Organization is official now, which is fitting, I suppose, since our government no longer believes in health, the world, or organization.
Statues and hatred, hatred and statues, blah blah blah blah blah. I’m gonna do the next blog early, Mad Libs-style, just to save time. (Presidential nickname) rage-tweeted at (Black celebrity athlete) for supporting the removal of a statue of (dead fascist loser). Actually, that should carry us into at least August with minimal effort. More drinking time. Anyhow, stay safe, you.
This Week in Hell: Coronavirus and White Supremacy. Yes, Again. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I think it’s cute that I’m even bothering to write tonight, when I know all y’all are watching Hamilton. And that’s fine, you absolutely deserve the break. I assume the folks that’re actually reading this are the sadomasochistic news junkies that couldn’t look away if they wanted to, to whom I say, “grab a beer and your favorite cat o’ nine tails; let’s self-flagellate our way through another week’s news!"
(As always, click here to find this post with all those nifty nooz links: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-coronavirus-and-white-supremacy-yes-again/)
Demonstrating the keen political instincts of a Dukes of Hazzard-branded mudflap, the Bonespur Buttplug threatened to veto a massive military spending bill over a provision that would sandblast the dead loser names of dead loser generals off our military bases, betting he can turn his visibly-rotting electoral prospects around by motivating some fanciful silent majority that doesn’t want active duty troops to get a pay raise but cares passionately about the honor of incompetent, long-deceased traitors. I mean, no, it doesn’t make any sense, but this is the clod who told us to mainline Clorox and install UV bulbs up our asses, sooooooooo...
He truly seems incapable of processing the country’s sharp turn against his trademark brand of Supbar White Jagoff Supremacy in recent weeks, and I salute both the turn and his obliviousness to it. Like, even the long-intransigent Washington NFL team is finally, FINALLY looking towards a bold, slurless future, and here’s Government Cheese Goebbels, unapologetically calling the very phrase Black Lives Matter a “symbol of hate.” It’s electoral suicide, which I appreciate and enjoy, but fuck, it’s terrifying that the guy whose whole message is Yes I Fucked Up Literally Everything But I Will Preserve Institutional Racism While the Nation Burns to Ash even has a shot at re-election.
Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s BSTMFF* has been arrested, and has yet, at posting time, to die a mysterious death in custody. Maxwell is said to be cooperating fully now that she’s busted, so some of the most powerful underpants on Earth are filling up with the terror shits right now, and I think that and a six-pack of a passably-fancy IPA might just be enough to get me through another weekend.
President Poosquirt is certainly leaving his maniacal mark on the Republican Party, and it looks like no amount of scrubbing will be able to remove the rapidly spreading stain of the batshit-gargling QAnon movement, as more and more Qnatics win their primaries and find themselves in line for seriously important, powerful jobs. The latest slobbering psychopath to leap onto the national stage is Lauren Boebert, who defeated Shart-endorsed 5-term Republicrook incumbent Scott Tipton, and enters the general election favored to win in this solidly red district. Looking forward to the formation of the House Pizzagate Caucus and all the spittle-drenched Defund Hillary’s Sex Slave Camp on Mars legislation they’ll propose over the coming years.
Even though it’s killed us by the tens of thousands, it seems Americans just can’t get enough of that kooky koronavirus kraze; we’re spreading the little bastard wherever it feels like going, and smashing new case records pretty much daily. And after all this time, and all this senseless death, the entirety of Doctor Dotard’s strategy remains Don’t Worry It’ll Go Away on Its Own, and anyway, in future presidential debates, the moderators should ask every candidate to describe a problem they’ve solved using tools other than “my father’s money,” don’tcha think?
Well, now that we have more or less officially lost control of the outbreak again, despite the helpful Containing Coronavirus for Dummies manual that was RIGHT THERE FOR ANYBODY TO READ, Republicans are starting to realize that maybe opening their silly Masks are for Cucks front in the culture war was a mistake, and now they’re huffing and puffing that Golly Somebody Politicized Mask Wearing, Who Would Do Such a Thing, This Partisan Bickering Must Stop and fuck it, let’s just roll our eyes and let ‘em have this one, so long as they’re finally sending responsible signals on mask-wearing, because it really would be nice to get this shit under control at some point in my lifetime.
Shit, even Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot took an uncharacteristic step towards positively influencing public health, talking up masks a teeny-weeny bit after weeks of juvenile posturing, saying he looks “like the Lone Ranger” when he wears one, and whatever, old man, the Lone Ranger didn’t look like a drunken prairie dog crawled onto his head, vomited, and passed out, but it’s kind of you to at least momentarily stop pouring gasoline on this fire we’ve all been fight SINCE FUCKING MARCH, you colossal nitwit.
The suddenly-pro-mask GOP was probably hoping some prominent figure could serve as a cautionary tale about the dangers of taunting a contagious disease, and out of nowhere, almost-forgotten pizza ghoul Herman Cain was all, “I volunteer as tribute!” Yes, hot off his appearance in a smug, maskless photo tweeted from Fat Q*Bert’s humiliatingly under-attended Tulsa rally, Herman announced a surprise guest appearance at an Atlanta hospital, because wonder of wonders, he somehow caught COVID-19 at That One Place Everyone Agreed People Were Going to Catch COVID-19.
Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick has long been one of the high priests of the Republican death cult, and these days he’s positively horny to get to the Kool-Aid-chugging portion of the Apocalyptic Pandemic Show. Dan-O announced he’s done listening to that stupid cuck Dr. Fauci and his stupid cuck science, he’s gonna do things Dan Patrick’s way from now on, so I hope y’all like untimely death.
Lt. Dan is pulling a neat little Orwellian trick here; his constituents are up to their necks in highly contagious shit right now precisely because he (and his cud-brained boss, Greg Abbott) DIDN’T listen to Fauci, but he shamelessly plays a round of Pin the Blame on Cassandra anyway, safe in the knowledge that his thoroughly indoctrinated base won’t read the fine print, and will indeed stop listening altogether once they’ve identified the target of the day’s Two Minutes Hate.
Like so many Trumpists, up to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids himself, Patrick is a very, very stupid man who believes he has all the answers. These craven, empty-headed bullies, DeSantis, Ducey, Abbott. They’ve done this, they’ve made these appalling, unforgivable decisions, knowing in advance they’d cost lives. How they haven’t been dragged from their mansions and imprisoned in campground outhouses confuses the living fuck out of me.
The Roberts Court had been so well-behaved this summer. They brought a really nice potato salad to your cookout, and they were surprisingly courteous to all your female and LGBTQ friends, and just when you were thinking “gosh, maybe I was wrong about conservatives,” Neil Gorsuch left an almost-impossibly-long floater right in the middle of your pool, then ran away making obscene gestures and snickering “We’re STILL the willing tool of institutional white supremacy, muthafuckaaaaaas!” because while Johnny Robs may periodically save the Republican Party from its least popular policy impulses, he's not gonna get all radical and suddenly start believing that every American has the right to vote or anything.
Meanwhile Smilin’ Joe Biden just keeps on out-raising the Marmalade Shartcannon, both in terms of campaign contributions and the ability to handle water glasses one-handed ayyyyyyyyy tip your wait staff.
...and now I see the Shart House is rolling out yet another doomed coronavirus messaging strategy, waving the white flag and admitting A Bunch of You Have to Die Learn to Love It Plebs, even as every other first world nation locks Americans outside to press our noses enviously against the windows of their increasingly reopened societies, for we are a shithole ruled by a shithead, and thus a threat to the world’s health.
And now Strawberry Shartcake thinks he can score points by challenging Biden to a basic cognitive test competition? Hey, if you’re sure this is the battlefield you want, please proceed, Sun-Tzu.
As you can see, things got kind of light this week as the holiday approached. Fuck, we deserve it. I know I certainly do. So go ahead. Watch Hamilton. Hell, you’re locked in your house, watch all kinds of patriotic shit. Watch jingoistic black and white films with old, iconic movie stars killing Nazis; it’ll put you in the mood for Election Day, which is suddenly just four short months away...
*Best Sex-Trafficking Monster Friend Forever
Y'Know, If Putin Put Bounties on Confederate Monuments, He'd Be in Trouble (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Anybody else spending their idle quarantine hours trying to figure some way to tunnel into the neighboring reality where Hillary Clinton is President and we can all eat at restaurants by now? No? Well, that’s totally why I’m slashing at the air in front of me with an LSD-laced ice cream scoop, it’s not like I’ve gone completely insane or anything. But as long as you’re trapped in here with me, we may as well hit the news, right?
(Find this post, in living color, and with all those nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/yknow-if-putin-put-bounties-on-confederate-monuments-hed-be-in-trouble/)
I guess the big headline is that COVID-19 keeps on ripping America a new asshole pretty much daily. Hell, there’re so many newly-ripped assholes you’re going to get sick of newly-ripped assholes. We’re basically Argus, only with assholes instead of eyes. That’s how much this virus is fucking our shit up.
Yes, we remain incapable of controlling this outbreak even though we figured out how to control it, because millions of allegedly adult Americans have constructed their entire identities around that impulse a toddler has when it doesn’t want to eat its peas. Well, freedumb isn’t free, and states like Florida, Arizona, and Texas have spiraled out of control, with some communities even brushing up against their hospital capacity limits, despite having been HANDED A GIFT-WRAPPED MANUAL ON HOW TO AVOID THIS EXACT FUCKING SITUATION.
Now, I know it’s been difficult to wrap your head around the fact that the President of the United States decided fighting this pandemic just wasn’t his fucking job, but when you see the shit he DOES invest time and energy into, it’s a miracle your brain doesn’t dynamite its way out of your skull and run screaming into the night. What I’m trying to tell you is that even as he’s further scaled back the government’s non-response to COVID-19, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits somehow found a moment to issue a new executive order aiming to crack down on the scourge of Confederate monument-toppling.
Oh well. It’s been a good fight, but surely this means the Apprentice in Hell has been renewed for four more years. No doubt any votes the Velveeta Vulgarian may have lost by drowning the economy in a Wal-Mart urinal or negligently getting tens of thousands of Americans killed will be overwhelmed by the avalanche of unchecked populism inspired by such a fierce defense of Dead White Dudes Who Are Famous for Losing Fights.
But even as the Loser King battled to save his loser statues, the state of Mississippi finally, FINALLY voted to remove the stars n’ bars of the Confederacy from their flag, joining the 20th century at last. (They’re not quite ready for the 21st. Baby steps.) That the Game Show Grand Wizard’s veryfine tantrums have only accelerated the destruction of these pathetic glorifications of his failed, hate-warped “culture” makes you almost wish his brain worked well enough to comprehend irony.
During an interview with screeching hatemarmot Sean Hannity, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was unable to articulate a rationale for seeking a second term, partially because his addled, deteriorating brain is barely capable of articulating an order in the Wendy’s drive-thru, partially because he somehow stopped himself from admitting “I’m just trying to stay out of jail, bro.” Trump 2020: Yes the Plane is Crashing and Yes It’s on Fire, But White People Get All the First Class Seats is basically where we’re at now.
And yeah, while hard at work directing the coronavirus response, excuse me, that doesn’t seem right...oh yes, I see my mistake, let me start again. While golfing, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber approvingly retweeted a video of one of his dirtbag supporters shouting “white power” at protesters before scooting away on his little golf cart; truly Trumpism is an entire lifestyle brand, basically Goop for the hateful, with slightly fewer products designed to smell like a crotch.
So we got to do that silly little dance again, where Shart-O the Clown and his allies get all indignant that anyone would dare suggest he’s racist, even though his entire re-election strategy has devolved into Yes I Suck at Absolutely Everything But I Will Keep Hurting Black and Brown People and honestly, while I’m exhausted by the never-ending atrocity, I’m getting pretty sick of the bad theatre, too.
As always, a few pundits, desperately clinging to obsolete ideas about long-abandoned norms, keep on insisting Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is playing 12-dimensional chess, distracting America from the Russian bounty scandal with a shocking tweet; that he’s something more than just a terrified, Adderall-saturated primate flinging turds at the wall as fast as he can shit them, to which I say we are now talking about BOTH the white power tweet AND the Putin bounties, so unless Wisconsin contains ten or twenty thousand voters who were going to stay home unless one candidate really distinguished himself in the twin fields of racism and treason, I don’t think this one is playing out in Shart Garfunkel’s favor.
But yes, fallout from Bounties on Our troops? Sounds Great Vlad!-gate continues to mount, because, in perhaps the last area of bipartisan consensus in Washington, even Republicans don’t believe American soldiers should be hunted for sport. The Shart House initially tried screaming “fake news,” because there are only so many settings on the see n’ say wheel Sarah Slanders passed down to Kayleigh McEnany, but that didn’t work as more and more outlets confirmed the initial story from the Failing New York Times.
As more and more stories surfaced, the date President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would have received this intelligence in a briefing kept moving further and further back, and his continuing obsequious deference to Putin (“Hey Vlad! Vlad! You wanna come to the G7 at my house, Vlad? I can TOTALLY get you back in, buddy!”) seemed even more treacherous in context.
The current defense seems to be “C’mon, everybody knows the President is way too lazy and stupid to read,” which is...honestly, plausible. Shit, I think they might have us there, folks. The “too incompetent to be criminal” defense has served the GOP well since at least the days of Alberto Gonzales.
Because he possesses the intellect of a hamster’s rectum, the Candycorn Skidmark has come to the conclusion that his current electoral troubles have grown not from the lethally botched pandemic response, or the Great Depression-level unemployment, or the fact that his campaign strategy has been to personally give hand jobs to every Proud Boy, Boogaloo Brat and Klansman in America, but simply from failing to hang a sufficiently childish nickname on Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. This is literally what he spends his time doing while we’re dying by the thousands.
Anyway asshole, to solve your little dilemma, when you’re petitioning for your pardon, “Mr. Biden, sir” will do fine.
Mike Pants keeps on holding maskless public events, and COVID-19 keeps on being completely unimpressed, probably because it’s too busy devouring the smorgasbord of freedumb-crazed dipshits that keep jumping in front of it like coked-up lemmings.
It truly does seem like everyone connected even tangentially to the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is hellbent on refusing to learn the widely-accepted lessons on containing this virus. South Dakota’s Republidolt Governor, Kristi Noem, brags that they won’t being doing any of that stupid cuck “social distancing” crap at Sharty McFly’s Mount Rushmore shindig this Friday, and we can all see the tantrums coming when Jacksonville, Florida’s new mask mandate collides with his planned My Father Never Loved Me I Guess the Adulation of Hateful Strangers Will Just Have to Do RNC speech. Campers, there was an outbreak among his staff at the Tulsa rally; learn from that or don’t, it’s up to you.
Stochastic terrorism: it’s not just for 4chan-addicted incels anymore! No, just as heavy metal morphed into commercial power balladry to conquer strip mall music shops, now Dylann Roof has given way to Mark and Patricia McCloskey, a couple of doughy suburbanite John Wicks* with Bloomingdale’s accounts and military-grade firearms. See, if you’re rich and white enough, the Lawn Which Others Must Keep Off Of expands to wheresoever you deign to cast your eyes, and the mere proximity of the peasant classes, however peaceful, is more than enough to justify threatening mass murder, though it may be necessary to pay the help overtime to cleanse said lawn of the resultant gore, alas and alack.
Iran issued an arrest warrant for the Marmalade Shartcannon over that one terrorist murder of a high-ranking military official he ordered and yeah, I admit I indulged in a quick “it’s so crazy, it just might work!” fantasy. It was great, I recommend it. Seriously, it’s been a rough week, just take a quick moment to visualize Fuckhead shitting himself in an Iranian prison. See? Brightened your day right up, didn’t it?
One of Government Cheese Goebbels’ biggest internet fan clubs, r/The_Donald on Reddit, has finally been banned for hate speech and harassment, because the political movement built, or at least harnessed, by the current sitting President of the United States is a white supremacist rage cult unfit to mingle with decent folk even in the darkest, dankest corners of the information superhighway. These fucks are getting deplatformed all over social media, actually, which is fantastic. Shame they still get to squat in the executive branch of the federal government until January, though.
Senate Republicans stripped a provision from an intelligence bill that would have required political campaigns to report offers of foreign election assistance, because their party is a hopelessly corrupt gang of authoritarian thugs that will never be able to win a free and fair election again, having lost the trust of the people, but why should a silly little thing that interfere with their ruthless grip on power? Anyway, I’m proud to be a member of the party that still believes in democracy.
And it’s only TUESDAY. Fuck. Get a nap in, Resisters, cuz we’re only halfway through 2020, and I’ll bet the little fucker hasn’t even shown us his fastball yet. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Some third thing, fuck it, I’m tired.
*Johns Wick?
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629